Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?
is a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic by Bucking Nonsense, writer of The King is Dead, Long Live the Emperor. After a human named Conrad dies saving a kid from getting run over by a truck, his soul somehow ends up in the body of Lord Tirek, the most infamous centaur in Equestria. While Conrad's trying to make sense of what is happening to him, the rest of Equestria believes that one of the worst villains to exist has returned from the dead.
Currently complete at 17 chapters and 64,574 words. Beware of unmarked spoilers.
Tropes
- And There Was Much Rejoicing: The changelings decide to throw a massive party celebrating the death of Chrysalis after they tear her apart. Considering how much of a Bad Boss Chrysalis towards her subjects and the fact that she was hoarding love energy that the hive needed to survive, it's hard to blame the changelings for wanting her dead.
- Asshole Victim: Just about no one has anything good to say about Queen Chrysalis after her long-suffering subjects rip her to pieces, with the entire changeling hive throwing a party in celebration of her death.
- Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: Conrad leads the invasion of Tambelon with the Bagger 288 bucket-wheel excavator (or at least a copy of it) that he managed to summon with the energy the changeling hive gave him.
- Because You Were Nice to Me: The changelings are incredibly loyal to Conrad since he actually treats them like actual people rather than vermin like the other inhabitants of Equestria do.
- Big Brother Is Watching: Conrad immediately suspects that Queen Chrysalis is spying on her own people when the changeling commander he talks to responds with "I would never speak ill of the queen, sir" whenever Conrad asks questions about the queen's personality. The reason why he is able to come to that conclusion is that when Conrad was a human, his boss at the KB Toy Store he worked at had a penchant for eavesdropping on conversations between employees, forcing experienced workers like him to resort to coded speech to avoid the manager's wrath.
- Cain and Abel: According to Skyflower, her stepfather Blanco Brilliante was practically everything Sombra wasn't, using his position as the unicorns' cultural liason to broker peace between his people, the earth ponies, and the pegasi.
- The Dreaded: Tirek was understandably feared and reviled across Equestria for being a brutal conqueror, which does not help Conrad's situation when he gets reincarnated into Tirek's body.
- Enemy Mine: Grogar, Discord, and Conrad team up to teleport Sombra somewhere far from Tambelon in order to prevent Sombra's last-ditch attack from destroying Tambelon and the other realms.
- Everyone Has Standards: As much as Conrad dislikes Chrysalis for being a massive Jerkass, even he finds it hard to stomach her violent and likely drawn-out death at the hands of her irate subjects for hoarding love energy from the hive.
- Face of a Thug: Given that Conrad's now in the body of Lord Tirek, he is definitely an intimidating fellow at first glance. Of course, Conrad is anything but evil.
- Fan Disservice: Conrad does not have a high opinion of Chrysalis' looks when he meets her and mentally states that she looks repulsive thanks to her appearance hitting the Uncanny Valley in all the wrong ways.What surprised me was how... radically different in appearance the queen was, in comparison to the rest of her subjects. I mean, I know that the 'queens' of most insect species tend to be bigger and somewhat different in appearance, but I'd honestly expected her to just be a larger version of her subjects. Instead, it was like someone had taken the worst physical aspects of a pony and a changeling, mixed them together, and then gave her a dozen turns on the rack to stretch her out. Nothing seemed to be made to the right proportions: Her head, for example, was noticeably too small for her body. Her legs and neck? Too long. Her torso? Way too thin. Someone needed to give that girl a sandwich. Seriously. Unlike her subjects, she just seemed... wrong, on an almost fundamental level. I've heard some folks say later that they found her 'exotically attractive', but I just found her repulsive, personally.
- God Save Us from the Queen!: Queen Chrysalis, thanks to her narcissism and cruelty. She gets brutally murdered by her long-suffering subjects after Conrad inadvertently reveals that she was hoarding all the love energy the hive gathered for herself.
- Heel–Face Turn: Tirek decides to give up villainy and return to his homeland after he returns to his body since Conrad managed to do far more while he was in control of Tirek's body than Tirek himself ever did.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Skyflower initially introduces herself as a haughty and arrogant upper-class unicorn upon meeting Conrad for the first time, but she later demonstrates a clear capacity for empathy and kindness.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Grogar transforms Sombra into an earth pony because, as he puts it, they are the hardiest and most self-sufficient out of all the equestrian races compared to unicorns, who have weaker bodies from their overreliance on magic, and pegasi, who are vulnerable to broken bones thanks to the lighter skeletal system required for their flight capabilities. Given how Sombra was a brutal dictator who saw non-unicorns as lesser beings, he had it coming for him.
- Long Game: Grogar states that the reason why he's not at all frazzled by losing to Conrad is that he's already experienced a lot of setbacks even before his defeat in their musical duel; what really matters to him is that he's victorious in the end regardless of the losses he may take.
- Named by the Adaptation: Conrad grants all of the changelings names after they overthrow Queen Chrysalis, elevating them from The Nameless.
- Oh, Crap!: As much of a cold, calculating schemer Grogar is, even he is horrified at the possibility of Sombra's dark magic devastating Tambelon and the other realms between after the evil unicorn implants all the dark magic he stored in his horn into his body.
- The Power of Rock: Conrad and Grogar face off in Tambelon in an epic rock-off presided over by Slenderman, Nyarlathotep, and Hastur.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
- After Conrad reveals Chrysalis' duplicity to the hive, the changeling commander give her an epic speech chewing her out for her greed, selfishness, and poor leadership.
Chrysalis: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS FOR THIS TREASON!!!
Changeling Commander/Ash: Treason. An interesting choice of words, coming from you. Treason is the crime of betraying one's country. Over the last three years, you have implemented terribly strict rationing of love energy, stating that there was so little to spare that we could not even afford to expend any on the priming of any of the eggs now sitting in the hatchery for birth. And yet, you just expended with that little display enough power to feed a hive ten times our size for three centuries. Tell me, where did you suddenly get that power from?
Chrysalis: THAT IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!
Changeling Commander/Ash: Actually, it is, your highness. When you demanded that, when you took the throne, we change from quiet infiltration to violent conquest, I kept quiet, since it was your right to make that change if you willed it. Likewise, when you insisted that you take point on all pre-invasion operations, in spite of having no acting skills, and little to no skill in gathering intelligence, I kept silent, because that was also within your rights. When you had us invade Equestria, a country far larger than we could ever hope to hold, I kept quiet, because it was your right to declare which countries we should target. When you decided that your first act, after our ejection from Canterlot, was to launch a petty revenge scheme against Twilight Sparkle and her friends, when such an action was against our best interests, I kept silent, because under our laws, you had the right to do so. (Suddenly Shouting) WHEN YOU DEMANDED THAT ANY EGG BEARING THE MARK OF ROYALTY, THE MARK THAT THE HATCHLING WOULD BE YOUR SUCCESSOR, BE SMASHED ON SIGHT, I KEPT QUIET, BECAUSE AS TERRIBLE AS THAT WAS, THERE WAS NO LAW TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING SO!!! (Tranquil Fury) When you murdered my mate, and crushed our egg, just because she hid from you the fact that it was a queen's egg, I said nothing, even though every fiber of my being screamed for vengeance, because you had done nothing that violated our laws. Perhaps the laws of common decency, but not 'our' laws. (turning to face all of the changelings) But now, you have, before the entire hive, been shown to be guilty of breaking our greatest law: All love must be shared between all members within the hive equally! The first law! The most sacred law of our kind! You have been found guilty of hording love, at a time when love is scarce! In fact, love is scarce because you were hoarding it! You have broken the law that has been in place since the first changelings banded together to form a hive, and shall hold true until there no longer exists a single bug to remember it! Without that law, we cannot have a hive! We cannot hope to thrive as a species! (turning to face Chrysalis again) The penalty for breaking that law, regardless of rank, is death.
Chrysalis: You cannot do this. I am your queen!
Changeling Commander/Ash: I can. (gesturing to the other changelings) We can. And we will. You are queen no more.- Grogar also delivers one to Sombra after transforming him into an earth pony that points out how the earth ponies he despises so much are actually the most capable out of all Equestrian races.
Grogar: I have done you a favor: I have transformed you into a superior species! (...) Oh, you thought that just because you could shoot spells from your horn, that you were superior to the 'Mud Ponies' and 'Feather Dusters' of the world? Foolish. Of the three races of ponykind, the Earth Ponies are far more resistant to disease, much more resilient when it comes to recovery from physical injury, and live much longer and healthier lives than their counterparts due to their active lifestyles. Further, they are much more fertile, bearing on average far more offspring than either race combined. Meanwhile, pegasi are prone to breaking bones more easily, due to the lighter bone structure that enables them to fly, and unicorns live shorter lifespans, due to their bodies being more frail, since... heh, they rely on their magic to do everything for them. Oh, and Earth Ponies can grow their own food. Superior. Right. What kind of superior lifeform can't even establish their own stable food supply? - Reincarnated as a Non-Humanoid: Conrad goes from fully human to a centaur after being reborn in another world.
- Technician vs. Performer: Grogar and Conrad's rock 'n' roll face-off boils down to this: while Grogar is really good at guitar, that's about the only thing he's good at since his singing leave much to be desired. Conrad, on the other hand, has a hell of a stage presence with his instrumental chops as well as being good at singing, allowing him to win over the crowd with ease.
- What Did I Do Last Night?: According to the now-named Ash the day after Chrysalis' death, Conrad managed to provide the changeling horde with an infinite love supply in the form of puppies, give every changeling in the hive names of their own, and got himself married to Skyflower, all while he was completely plastered! He even has an after-action report of Conrad's drunken antics to remember this chain of strange events.0:00: Lord Tirek drank a single glass of poko.
0:01: Lord Tirek sprang to his hooves, and called for the attention of the entire hive. He immediately got it. A centaur his size is hard to ignore.
0:02: Lord Tirek asked why changelings did not have names. The answer, that we primarily communicated and identified one another via scent, was insufficient. Lord Tirek promptly gave an impassioned speech regarding the vital importance of verbal names, including how, with a name, one could be remembered for centuries after their passing. He ended his speech by saying that it would be a terrible thing if the only changeling ever remembered in history was the queen that had just been deposed.
0:30: Every changeling in the hive, moved by his eloquent speech, immediately demanded names. Lord Tirek, dubbing himself the ruler of the changeling hive (And no one was willing to challenge him for the title at that moment), and renaming himself Emperor Kickass McAwesometown, gave the unicorn named Skyflower the title of Royal Name Giver, and told her to get to work. Skyflower (Thoroughly inebriated) giggled and promptly did so with startling enthusiasm.
0:44: My name is now Ash. I admit, I like it. It feels right, somehow.
0:45: Emperor McAwesometown (Tirek) asked how the hive now planned to gather love. When the subject of infiltration came up, he promptly labeled that 'Bullshit'. He also dubbed conquest as 'Double Bullshit'. He then informed us of the fact that 'puppies' were a life form that would, in exchange for food, care, and attention, provide all the love we would ever need. One changeling, having now been given the name 'Lenny' mentioned that there was, in fact, a puppy mill within two hours flight of the hive.
0:55: Emperor McAwesometown, after hearing this, pulled one of the larger gemstones off of the throne, and promptly proclaimed, and I quote, "Go forth, and buy all the puppies that you can carry! Your emperor wills that it be so!" Lenny took the gemstone, easily enough to buy the entire puppy mill three times over, saluted, and left with a dozen other changelings to fulfill the emperor's will.
1:00: Skyflower stated that she was hungry. Emperor McAwesometown demanded to be led to the kitchens, where we would normally prepare meals for non-changeling prisoners and/or guests. Skyflower, more heavily inebriated, yet somehow having completed her naming duties, followed. The emperor proclaimed that he would craft for us the true food of the gods.
4:00: Emperor McAwesometown, after having turned the kitchens into a disaster area, returned, bearing a confection called a 'cheesecake'. Sadly, since changelings lack taste buds and digestive systems, no one could eat it save the emperor and his captive. Skyflower, curious, ate a slice.
4:01: Skyflower immediately ate all of the cheesecake, then proclaimed her eternal love and adoration for both the confection and its cook. She promptly climbed up Emperor McAwesometown's leg, then chest, then, upon reaching his face, began to engage in an action that can only be described as 'making out' with him. Emperor McAwesometown, while surprised, does nothing to stop her, and in fact began enthusiastically returning her drunken affections with his own equally drunken affections.
4:30: They are still making out. Shamelessly. In full view of everyone. The entire hive, almost as drunk as they are, cheers them on. Some couples around the room are trying to match them in intensity.
4:31: ...I really miss my mate. I wish that she was here to see this. A year she's been gone, and it still hurts, sometimes.
5:00: Lenny returns with puppies. In addition, he purchased dog food bowls, leashes, water bowls, toys, and sundry other canine accessories. Given that he has proven himself able to think ahead, even when heavily intoxicated, I have chosen to, once sober, consider him for a promotion. He may be officer material.
5:01: Correction: Lenny is a she. She prefers that it be spelled 'Leni'. She's... kind of cute, although that may just be the beers talking.
5:05: The puppies prove to be as loving as the emperor claimed they'd be. I cannot begin to describe how happy this makes me. Why hadn't we thought of this sooner? All those wasted years...
5:06: Emperor McAwesometown commands that we find someone to perform a wedding. He and Skyflower have chosen to be wed this very night, and is currently working with the unicorn to turn some of the gold from the queen's throne into a pair of matching rings for them to wear. Leni promptly leaves with others in tow. I hope she comes back soon...
5:09: Leni returns with an earth pony named Cheese Sandwich, who had apparently been in the area, trying to locate our celebration. It turns out that Mister Sandwich is able to perform weddings. He is also a notary, surprisingly enough, and is able to provide a fully legal wedding certificate and a prenuptial agreement for the happy (yet also incredibly inebriated) couple.
5:15: It turns out that I'm the type who cries at weddings. This comes as a surprise to me. Leni thinks that it's cute...
5:30: The emperor and his bride are now wed. They promptly depart for the queen's bedchambers, to... 'consummate' their union. That cannot possibly end well, but I am not able to stop them...
5:31: Within a second of having entered the room and shutting the door, both husband and wife are snoring loudly. Thank goodness. I have no idea what might have happened if they'd actually followed through on their plans. Speaking of plans, Leni has been giving me a look for a little while now, and now that Lord Tirek is asleep, I think I should see what that look might mean. I should probably stop writing now, I seem to be writing anything that pops into my head at this point... - You Have Failed Me: Grogar drops Sombra into a special extradimensional prison cell where he sends those who have failed him really badly to as punishment for his utter incompetence at being a supervillain.
