Epic Fail / SpongeBob SquarePants

As a show of “nautical nonsense”, SpongeBob SquarePants features lots of Epic Fails that make little to no sense whatsoever.

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• This occurs every single time SpongeBob takes his driving test.
  Mrs. Puff: [inflated, with distorted voice] Oh, SpongeBob... Whyyyyyy?
• In "Scaredy Pants", SpongeBob proves to be so easy to scare that he gets spooked by completely unthreatening things like a kid coming up to him in a cowboy costume, a giant jack-o'lantern that he carved himself, and Patrick in a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. Later, in his Bedsheet Ghost costume, he completely fails to scare a trio of trick-or-treaters, who mockingly call him a haunted mattress because of his square shape.
• Squidward's stints as fry cook at the Krusty Krab inevitably end this way:
  • In "Pickles", SpongeBob has to temporarily give up his job as fry cook, Squidward takes over temporarily, and epic fail ensues. The customers cry out "He burnt my Krabby Patty," "He burnt my fries!" and finally: "He burnt my shake!"
  • When SpongeBob literally played hooky in the episode "Hooky" and left Squidward in charge of the grill, the results were similarly disastrous:
    Customer 1: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot.
    Customer 2: My sandwich is a fried boot!
• On the subject of "Pickles", after Bubble Bass inflicts Confidence Sabotage on him, SpongeBob becomes so unsure of himself that not only does he forget how to make a Krabby Patty, but he becomes incapable of doing pretty much anything, from sleeping in bed, turning off his alarm clock, going through a door, dressing himself, and even talking.
• In "Nature Pants", instead of using the fire extinguisher to put out the fire from the grill, SpongeBob simply throws it right at it.
• Patrick working at the Krusty Krab in "Big Pink Loser". After eating a customer's food that he was supposed to deliver three times and answering the phone saying who he is when people ask if they're calling the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob has him sweep the floors... and he sweeps with the wrong end of the broom. One customer says it best:

  "Hey, pal, you just blow in from Stupidtown?"

• In "Band Geeks":
  • During a rehearsal, Squidward instructs his band to repeat a short melody. The brass and wind sections do just fine, but the drums? They blow on their drumsticks and end up accidentally shooting them at Squidward.
    Squidward: Too bad that didn't kill me.
  • Squidward tells the flag-twirlers to speed it up, which then leads to their flags acting like propellers, sending them up hundreds of feet and crash into a blimp, which then explodes, followed by another band member playing Taps (poorly) and Squidward quietly going into the Troubled Fetal Position.
  • In another rehearsal, Squidward suggests that the band play loudly since people might think they're good. What happens is that the band plays so loud that the glass gets blown out and Squidward is left a mangled mess. And then his baton breaks.
    Squidward: Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly...no one can hear us.
• In "Artist Unknown", Squidward attempts to teach SpongeBob how to create a marble sculpture. In his demonstration, he gently hits the marble column with a chisel... and the column instantly breaks into a pile of rubble.
• In "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V", Mermaid Man, SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward and Sandy attempt to battle a Terrible Trio formed of Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and Barnacle Boy, who was Temporarily a Villain. Captain Magma (Squidward) accidentally erupts lava on the Quickster (SpongeBob), causing him to run around in circles, the Elastic Waistband (Patrick) attempts to grab him but fails and ends up with his arms stretched out, Mermaid Man attempts to extinguish the Quickster with a water ball and hits Captain Magma, causing him to turn to ash, and Miss Appear (Sandy) turns invisible only to get hit by a boat and sent falling off the cliff. After the villains survey the aftermath, Mermaid Man, the last hero standing, falls backward.
• Mr. Krabs' attempts at birthday parties for Pearl in "Whale of a Birthday" have apparently all been this, but her 16th birthday is the latest one: the banner is from her baby shower and was crudely edited to say "It's a girl" after he was expecting a boy, the popcorn is stale, the punch bowl is full of dishwater, he dropped the ice sculptor to have Squidward make a sculpture of Pearl out of raw Krabby Patty meat, the cake is made of cardboard and frosting, and he got Squidward to fill in for Boys Who Cry as the musical entertainment.
• In "Le Big Switch" Krabs exchanges SpongeBob for a French chef from a high-quality restaurant during an exchange program in hopes that customer demand for fine expensive food will increase his profits. Things don't go well for SpongeBob in his new surroundings initially since SpongeBob is incapable of cooking anything but Krabby Patties, to the degree where he can't even fry an egg without it instantly transforming into a burger. However, his epic fail becomes an epic win when both his boss and his rich clientele enjoy his Krabby Patties so much they latch onto his ankles begging him not to go back to the Krusty Krab after the exchange ends.
• In "The Splinter", SpongeBob tries to remove a splinter from his thumb. One method he tries is pulling it out with his teeth; not only does the splinter not get removed, his face skin gets ripped off.
• In "Shell Shocked", after accidentally breaking Gary's shell, SpongeBob goes to a shell emporium for a replacement and manages to break every single shell available, including one that was certified indestructible but somehow shattered after SpongeBob picked it up and it slid out of the bubble wrap that he wrapped it in.
• In "Tutor Sauce", when Mr. Krabs tried to teach SpongeBob to drive a boat, he ended up hitting the Krusty Krab every time no matter where he was, even with an arcade game.