When we last left off our heroes... Feminism died a little inside, and we got ourselves Queen Chrysalis in Sonichu form. We’re now moving to...
Issue 9
, hopefully this will make up for Issue 8.
So we open with... an episode called Date Ed... REALLY!? A High School AU FIC? YOU’RE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?! ARG! Fine... let’s get through with this...
So yes, there’s a school. Where you are taught how to date people. And I’m already skipping the walls of text. Uuuuuugh... When do we get to the part where the teacher reveals herself to be the scorpion monster? Oh, and Simonla’s advice to a 14-year-old is to hook up with a 16-year-old. Yeah, I forgot to mention Zapina, but pretty much she’s the Token Mini-Moe. Oh, what’s that Sonichu? She’s not appearing in this comic after this? Well I just wasted my time talking about her. Anyways, after spouting some advice from a 9 year old (yeah, because a nine year old would know anything about dating), Chris-Chan falls in love with... ANOTHER GIRL!? OKAY! SERIOUSLY!? THIS IS A DIFFERENT GIRL THAN THE ONE YOU SHOWED PREVIOUSLY! AND NOW IT’S APPERENTLY FATED TO BE HER?
Wataru: Psyga, there is a reason why Ivy replaced Sarah. It’s explained later in the issue.
Oh... Okay... Fuck, I’m getting too angry now... Gotta find something positive... Positive... Ah! The teacher’s methods of teaching is pretty nice? Look, I got nothing, I’m drawing at straws, and I don’t give a shit for this episode. But let me try and find something... Oh! The currency is made of Cs and Ws. That’s actually rather interesting. Y’know, maybe I’m supposed to look at this as Christian’s attempt to worldbuild.
Long story short, love blooms all around, two of the characters will never be seen again after this issue, and one of them will be killed off due to Real Life Writes the Plot at a later time. The end. Now we have... Billy Mays? That’s... interesting. But fuck that shit, it’s time for the epic episode. CWCville is under attack by three evil Sonichus. This is it. This is Sonichu’s Countdown To Destruction! Alright, now we’re getting somewhere! Then we go to Sonichu’s house and he... soon... talks about... homosexuality... OKAY, SERIOUSLY!? THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR SHITTY SOAPBOX DRAMA! YOU HAVE THE CITY TO SAVE! YOU SHOULD NOT BE WASTING YOUR TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU’RE BEING LABELED!
So after page after page of soapbox drama, Rosechu and Sonichu were about to... erm... cuddle, when suddenly they get attacked. They rush off into battle, where we see the other Sonichus doing their own battle. I will say is that it’s a Crowning Moment Of Awesome. I mean, every character introduced in the comic are fighting these villains, and for something as shitty as Sonichu, this is unexpected. Okay, I lied a bit when I said I was going into this blindly. I had some idea that it’d head in a soapbox drama direction and that they won’t pull out of it unlike American Kitsune. I just didn’t expect to have this epic battle where most of the characters return to help fight off the threat plaguing them. Will half of them be seen again after this comic? No. Will these characters ever have more than one dimension? In your dreams. But at least Christian is trying to do something with the characters he’s barely using.
Anyways, it’s not all fighting. Magi-Chan confronts Silvana and tries to turn her to the good side. Insert the obvious comparison to Andros and Astronema here. Oh, and they fought before. Would have been nice for the author to SHOW us the previous fight... But nope. Anyways, Sonichu and a hologram of Chris-Chan enter the Son-Chu... Which is a car... that turns into a robot... YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS HEADED! So yeah. Several Transformers fight the Decepticons, before Rosechu gets captured by one of them. Sonichu runs to save her, as Sarah, now actually having some sort of appearance in the comic... dies. Alas, poor Sarah, I hardly knew ye.... BUT WHO CARES ABOUT HER? SHE SPAWNED TWO NEW SONICHUS! THAT WILL NEVER APPEAR AGAIN!
Sonichu fights a Transformer and tries to rescue Rosechu, but is then attacked by... another evil clone of Chrischu? We have Hollow Chris, and now we have... {looks him up} Liquid Chris... Uuugh... Let’s get this out of the way now. He knocks him out with little to no effort. So Sonic goes to see Rosechu and... Robotnik, Giovanni, and Hollow Chris are all there? AWESOME! I thought they’d be left in the dust! This... Kudos! FUCKING KUDOS! Anyways, they give Sonichu a Sadistic Choice, but Darkbind and Bionic pull off a Big Damn Heroes trick and save Rosechu.
Bionic and Hollow Chris then fight. First with Hollow Chris summoning Nidoking, and once he gets defeated, throws some Rasengen style blasts, only to be have it directed back at him by Bionic. And this is a more... unsafe version of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha, since instead of it breaking your soul... it simply empty’s your bowels. Well, Giovanni and Robotnik leave, never to be seen again. BYEEEEEEEEEE!
Oh, and Magi-Chan wins his battle over Silvana. That we don’t get to see. And then we see a small memorial page for... Ivy? The girl from the beginning of the comic? Okay, for fuck’s sake, how many people are you going to introduce just to kill them off one second later? I mean, first Sarah, now Ivy? Fuck, she was even said by God himself that Ivy would be Chris-Chan’s soul mate. Okay, I’ll admit, she was written out of the story because the Ivy in real life committed suicide, allegedly by hanging (which makes her death in the comic kind of ironic), but here’s the thing. Her death was in a fucking wall of text. Wrap your head around that. Her death was in a huge series of letters and words. In a media that combines art and words to convey a story. A Graphic Novel, if you will. Do you see the problem here?
At least with Sarah, she had some image time before she was killed off screen, which was her casting out her Sonichus so that they would live. Here? It’s in a huge wall of text that I skipped. I only noticed someone died by reading the In Memoriam bit at the bottom of the page. This is NOT how you write a character’s death in a comic book. I mean, dear God! I’ve seen horrible comic books with better deaths than this piece of shit can ever give. Liam Harper’s death, as horribly executed and unwanted as that death was, it was still a better death than Ivy’s death. Because we saw it. Because we know her. Because we cared. And that is a major keyword there. Care. And so far, I am not giving a single, flying fuck about this damn comic save for an epic battle.
Let’s finish this issue. Slaweel flies off to disable the shields surrounding CWC Mall, but Sonichu intervenes and fights her. He gets the upper hand, and Slaweel is hanging on a ledge. Graduon refuses to help her, and Sonichu saves her. You’d think this is a noble act, right? NOPE! Sonichu says that’s it’s only because Chris-Chan is the only one allowed to defeat her. Class. A. Jackass. Oh, and speaking of Chris-Chan, he comes back last minute. At least he didn’t just pop in and go “Hello, everybody, did I miss anything?”
And so we might finish up the Sonichu Crystal Arc next issue. What does Chris-Chan have to say to us? That he’s going to... actually focus back on Sonichu once all this is over? YES! YES! YES! THIS IS AWESOME! Okay, one more issue, then it’s back to good old Sonichu action!
Wataru: Uh... Psyga... You do realize that there are eleven issues of Sonichu in total, not counting #0, with #11 being half finished, right?
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