Welcome back. I sincerely apologize for not updating. But let's sum up the entire mess: Noah deleted all the stories Thomas posted, hacked his account and locked his brother out of there, wrote a parody that made no sense, and...nothing else happened.
That all being said, I knew that someone like Thomas wouldn't give up so easily, and so I waited. Waited until he arrived again, and wouldn't you know it, he posted on deviantART, of all places. And he updated his two tales, to boot.
...and what better way to celebrate the arrival of Pokemon Black/White 2 than continuing on with a dual story that's even shittier than the games' prequels?
(Apologies to all Pokemon Black/White fans everywhere, by the way.)
Anyway...previously, William/Michael killed a bunch of so-called Satanists, and he killed Horus/Wawa. They were later joined by Carter/Ginny and Draco.
And yes, they're rather interchangeable. And I'll try to liveblog the two tales by myself.
So let's continue the madness with...
Chapter 5: Travelling to in Cairo. Wait, "To In"?
William and Carter head to the hotel, where they see Ebony. And during the description, we get an obligatory blonde joke.
- "She had nice blood hair but didn't list that evil since most blonds are stupid but she is smart since she dies it dark red every now and then."
Oh, wait, it's less of a blonde joke and more like a blonde discrimination.
They smile (though William seems to be sniffing moreso), and they laugh. Yeah. And William goes on to say that he hasn't seen her since they defeated the Satanists in Boston. I'm pretty sure that, one, Ebony wasn't really that heavily involved with the battle, it was more of Thalia and Jason's doing. Secondly, Satanists? They tried to battle the demons.
...then again, consistency is not one of this series' strong points.
William then goes on to ask how Ebony's doing, and that it's a great honor for her to be one of the few female Prayer Warriors. I'd like to point out by saying that it seems like the female Prayer Warriors are...actually almost half that, unless if they created a huge army between now and then.
Oh, and get this. As the final "fuck you!" towards the decently-written "Battle at Boston" trilogy in the fourth story, Ebony reveals that William's dad, the dearly-departed Dexter, says "hi" and that he is rebuilding Boston to its Christian...glory, I guess.
...so we'll add Dexter to the ever-growing list of characters who died and then came back pointlessly! Yay!
And the reason why Ebony chose to go with William? For his protection. That's about it. Carter is then introduced, blah blah blah, and—wait a damn second.
- "[...]and at that instant she realized that Carter Kane washer sole mate even though he was black and she was white but you can get your skin changed since Michaela Jackson did so also so that won't be a problem if they went married."
First off, dammit, Thomas, did you even listen to me in regards to bigamy? Secondly, Unfortunate fucking Implications much?! Getting their skin changed so that way, they'd live a good Christian life (at least, that's what it's implying)? Thirdly, Michael Jackson would be spinning in his grave by now.
Anyway, Ebony recaps what happened over at England, who gives a shit? And apparentally, the Titans were the ones who helped the demons over at Boston. They assisted by destroying many ships sinks, and William sank one that had...tea. Because tea is evil, I guess.
To end the chapter, the trio decide to go to Cairo, where Anubis is staying. The sad part is, I want this dumb story over with.
Chapter 6: Sibling Cavalry. Wouldn't it be Fun if it Was About Fighting in the Middle Ages--OH WAIT
In the recap, the group is not going to Cairo—er, Mario. And once again, we're told that we have to read the other story, The Titans Strike Back, to find out what happens over there.
...I'm pretty sure that nothing, plot-wise, has changed, though. Because I was not kidding with the whole "like Pokemon Black/White, only shittier" comparison.
The chapter begins with William going to a museum so he can find out where Anubis Omnibus is hiding, since he really hates him and wants him dead. Uh...I got nothing.
Then he comes across a pretty lifelike model that shouldn't be there in the first place. The model springs to life, revealing herself as Zia Rashad. And apparentally, she speaks in nasty voices. How, exactly, are they nasty? Like...deep?
Meh, in any event, she threatens to kill them, and she's "weeping civilly" as she threatens. How can anyone weep civilly, anyway? It seems like she wants out of this shitfic.
And we get this.
- Zia: "I have a big missive kite and I am going to stave you with it! I will make sure you never ever have children for as long as time it self happens since you will be dead and not be able to have children."
Really, the potholes are everything that needs to be said. Okay, except for one. How can she even try to kill them with a fucking kite?
William then tells Zia that she needs to repent. At the very least, I'll give him this. He made an offer to repent and give up fighting instead of "hay I'll fucking keel u LOLZ!" like, you know, almost every single battle.
Naturally, Zia doesn't give up, and apparentally, she's an Atheist. And because of that...she doesn't have a good answer to the claims.
(headdesks)
And what's worse, it gives Thomas the time to let Noah know that there is proof of a God, and it's called the Bible.
In any event, Zia challenges William to prove it, which everyone knows by now is an automatic death sentence in the series. So he prays to God, and a...meat orate (huh?) strikes her on the head, killing her. That's probably the weirdest death ever.
Oh, wait. To prove that There Is No Kill Like Overkill as per usual, William also slits Zia's throat. But she survives, so Ebony stabs her in the eyes, and William tears out her mouth. Oh, and they leave her alive.
Which is hugely hypocritical from what we see in the previous paragraph, which I briefly skipped.
- "You cannot just walk away from some satanic scum and they survive that attack and go around and kill otters."
Yes, she may be blind and can (possibly?) no longer speak, but who knows if she has silent spells? She can still kill other people if she wanted to.
This dumber chapter ends with the group receiving a note to meet Anubis Animus at a hotel. Welp, hopefully they won't receive a lecture about how humans are bad—actually, wait, considering the monstrosities the Prayer Warriors caused, I hope they receive said lecture. And he'll take away their powers, including having God on speed dial.
...too cruel?
And now that I think about it more and more, if we are to suggest that the title may have some sort of sibling rivalry, we don't ever see it. Ever. Once again, this story shows the same problems with telling what we may expect, but never, ever deliver.
Anyway, now we switch focus from Attack of the Sphinx to The Titans Strike Back.
Chapter 5: Travelling to London. Told You it's Like a Damn Mad Libs.
From there, Draco and Michael pay their fees like, and I quote, "good Christian people". Okay, was that really worth mentioning? It's less paying the fees because you're Christian and more like having some common fucking sense.
Oh, wait, this series doesn't even have any common sense.
Draco prepares a car, the Mustang, which is supposedly so all-American that it will make a patriot weep in honor and happiness. I...fail to see how cars are so damn patriotic. Unless if you paint the damn thing in a stripes-and-stars pattern like the flag, but...
...they totally painted it in that particular pattern, didn't they?
Anyway, Michael reappears with a book, and he reads it. And we're told to ignore the story after reading it, so that way, we can't be tainted. Uh...with something like this...
- "[Y]e was once a gaunt along ye men that thee men o' ole battled with ye ole men. Thee titan battled ye ole men in ye town o' London. There ye shell go if ye would want to rid ye world o' weevil!"
...it's not that particularly threatening. Especially with the misspellings and the gross misuse of old English.
The group kills the story with fire, and Draco drove to London. Also, the car's red. Why? Just in case if they have to fight the demons, in which case, they'll do it as fast as they can.
Or something. I think I'm slowly going insane again.
As the group preaches to whoever's willing to listen, Ginny arrives with some news, namely, that Horus is dead.
After taking potshots at Horus, the group celebrates by drinking soda and the all-American Dr. Pepper. And they didn't do Wooden Ducks. As if it's really that noteworthy.
Also, Thomas takes the time to state that had Draco done a Wooden Duck with anyone else, he would be burned alive. Oh, and if he did it with another guy...apparentally, that's even worse than cheating on his wife.
God, this again. Apparentally, we're swapping racism for "gays are ew". No matter what, cheating on anyone is not good, period. Though it isn't worth burning someone alive, that's just straight-up evil.
So the next day, they decide to go to London, and Ginny has an idea. She'll ask some people who look Satanic and have them tell her their tale. Of course, she won't do a Wooden Duck with them since she knows that she'll be sent to Hell if she does.
...wait a second. Now that I think about it, following the ever-changing logic of this series, wouldn't Ebony be sent to Hell since she did it with Harry Potter, if I can recall?
In any event, the chapter ends with Ginny and Michael falling in love once more, and she leaves. He decides to ask her out once she gets back. This would be nice if it wasn't so fucking dumb.
Chapter 6: Temptation from Satan Harmonica. Ghetsis?
The story's focus shifts to Ginny, and she'll be more than happy to explain why she became a Prayer Warrior—er, a "Prayer Warrrrrrrrior". Sadly, there are no trilling Rs in the explanation.
- "For so long I was wanted something after live to know that this life has not been wasted. Atheists Ares o stupid since they deny existence itself since they think everything was an accident. If everything is an acid why are we her? If everything is an accident then things would very easily be proven to not happen. But since things are here then God must be real since we need something to create world and us men (and women but they were created later). And God is the best answer since the Bible states so with created the world in sicko days (not seven as some claim to be since Gogh feasted on the seen day). Therefore I converted to Christianity."
Long story short, the speech is not that elaborate than what Noah wrote in the last chapter of the second story. Also, another potshot at Atheists.
Anyway, she says that she loves Draco like brother and sister. I would take the time to point out how much it isn't matching up to canon, but it's fucked to hell, anyway. She meets up with the Satanic boys, and she recognizes one. Who is it? None other than Harry Potter.
And how does he greet her?
- Harry: "Oh my fucking Satan."
Pfft--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (laughs for a good three minutes) Oh, man, that is so hilarious! And his dialogue gets worse, kids.
Because Harry supposedly swears like a potty mouth. I say "supposedly" because, other than the two instances of "fuck" being used, everything else is censored. But in any event, he tells her that he hasn't seen her since Michael killed her. She says that he's dead, in such a way to not arouse suspicion.
Harry believes that Dumbledore knows about the traitor who "killed" Michael, and he won't tell his star student about it. And no, it's highly likely that we won't know who the traitor is, either.
Then Harry takes Ginny to his apartment, where they kinda chillax. He starts to pour out some white wine, but then Ginny takes a knife out. Harry reveals that she's been trapped, and the wine she drank is...spiked with a truth serum. Despite the fact that she didn't drink it anyway.
This chapter ends with Harry asking Ginny where Draco and Michael are. Why? So he can kill them. At this point, I just don't have any snarking left in me, so it's time to take a break.
Will the groups be able to defeat their respective enemies? Will I survive the onslaught of stupidity once more?
Awaken that soul on the concluding liveblog of The Prayer Warriors: Attack of the Sphinx/The Titans Strike Back!
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