NOTE: These quotes aren't nearly as dirty as they sound. I'm just quoting them without context because I'm incredibly immature.
This chapter is 41 pages on my Kindle. (Probably 25+ normal size pages.) Get comfortable.
Remember the interesting stuff from last chapter? That isn't in this chapter. Instead we get another new class, and a very subtle "romantic" scene. Naw, I'm just kidding. There's nothing subtle about that scene.
"Never uneventful?" Citation needed.
We cut to Tookie brushing her teeth. Apparently, every day while brushing her teeth, she has been remembering her father saying that she wasn't his daughter. Because off-screen angst is the best type of angst!
Tookie is walking with Dylan, Shiraz and Piper to their next class. The stadium that was being built is almost finished. The Bestosterone boys managed to build most of a huge stadium in three months. That's pretty darn impressive.
Tookie sees Bravo, who greets her.
Bravo is carrying a "thick tree limb over his shoulder like it was a toothpick."
This is just stupid. His friends insulted her to her face, and Bravo did nothing to stop them or discourage them. THAT would be something worth getting mad at. Instead she gets mad at him pointing out that she needs to wipe her face off? Not his fault she chose to eat so messily that she managed to get food all over her body.
She then is rude to him, implying that he's just a pretty boy with no substance. She is presumably basing this on the two minutes she spent talking to him previously. Dylan looks at Tookie like she's "cuh-ray-zee".
Bravo tells her that he's more than just a model. While talking to her, he ends up shaking the tree branch, which results in bark and dust getting on Tookie.
Oh, grow up. He's holding a giant tree branch. His arm probably just got tired.
Bravo apologizes, saying that the BellaDonna is having them clear some trees to give a better view of the stadium.
No. Just no. This is not believable. Tookie is supposed to be shy. Bravo is touching her hair and lips. As a shy person, I can tell you that I would be extremely uncomfortable. That's a major violation of personal space, and way too intimate for someone I don't know.
And it gets worse. Much worse.
That is nasty. And creepy. He's been cleaning out tree branches. His hands are going to be filthy, with dirt, bark and who knows what else on them.
The fact that it's supposed to be romantic is also pretty gross.
Tookie thinks about biting his thumb. Instead we get a "romantic/erotic" scene that is very uncomfortable.
One corner of Bravo's mouth curled into a crooked smile. "Um ... do I taste good?"
Tookie realized what she was doing and released his thumb. She didn't even know this guy. What had gotten into her? She glanced at her friends. To her horror, they were trying to contain their laughter. They all had their thumbs in her mouth, playfully mocking her.
Bravo smiles awkwardly at her and "the hairs on the backs of Tookie's thighs stood up." Bravo's jerk friends — Webb, Alexander and some new guy named O'Neil (with one 'L') — then show up to make fun of Tookie.
Look, Tyra. I'm all out of Brain Bleach after the thumb sucking thing. Quit it!
Tookie leaves with her friends.
There is no way to say that line sexily. It's not humanly possible.
Or something more?
No, it was an incredibly clumsy attempt to make him your love interest. It was also freaking creepy.
Next scene, please.
We cut to a little later, with Tookie walking alone to her next class. Someone taps her on the shoulder and she spins around. It turns out to be Bibiana (a minor character who's been mentioned about twice). Bibiana asks if Tookie understands the clocks, because she isn't sure when she's supposed to be at her next class.
In spite of everyone being in Modelland for THREE MONTHS, none of them can read the color-based clocks yet.
Even after that lesson (which lasted over five hours), no one can tell time yet. That's . . . incredibly pathetic. (Haven't they ever heard of taking notes?) You'd think that at this point the Modelland staff would say "screw it" and use regular clocks instead of insisting on doing every little thing differently from normal people.
Bibiana is going to W.O.W., which is the same class Tookie has. W.O.W. stands for War of Words. It's like a debate / public speaking class except much dumber. Their class takes place is a giant "rose-gold metal ball" that is floating off the ground. Bibiana and Tookie decide to wait outside for a "guinea pig" to show them how to get into the floating class. Piper shows up, wearing her umbrella, which she had fashioned into a "couture-like hat." Because umbrellas make great hats.
"Bo, the emotionless Bella" — Don't you love how the BOOK admits she's flat as a cardboard cutout? — walks directly under the floating ball, and is "propelled upward." The rest of them go stand under the floating sphere, and are pulled upward by a "magnetic attraction." Anyone else getting alien abduction vibes from this class?
Inside the sphere are Shiraz, Dylan, Zarpessa, Chaste, and the Likee sisters.
Zarpessa has been getting worse, apparently. She used her Sentura to make Tookie's bedspread come to life and try to strangle her. The narrative seems oblivious to the fact that this is attempted murder, only noting that Tookie had to punch the image of herself that was on the bedspread.
Then the magnetism in the room starts pulling anything metal to one of the walls. This includes one of Tookie's fillings, jewelry, and Tookie's pin. (But don't worry! Her flower brooch is somehow metallic, so it hides the pin from view.)
The Likee sisters have now been assigned their one-dimensional character traits. They're thieves, who like to try and claim other people's things as their own.
Chaste then calls "firsties" on the teacher, MattJoe Von Megalo, and tells the other girls to "let go my Megalo."
Then the teacher walks in and is "a troll of a man." It's funny because he's not very attractive, and this book is trying to deliver an Aesop about looks not mattering. Wait . . .
Naturally, the Guru in charge of the W.O.W. / Debate class is a horrible public speaker. He has a verbal tic of "yep, yep," which reminds me of Ducky from The Land Before Time.
I could write a dissertation on this, but I'll stick to four quick points about why this actress-bashing is rock stupid.
- Many, many great actors and actresses adlib and improve the finished product by doing so.
- Actors and actresses don't just read off cue cards. They often memorize their lines. See: almost every theater performance ever.
- This unfairly ignores absolutely all improv theater.
- I have watched the question/answer sessions of beauty pageants. The answers are all so obviously rehearsed that it's painful to watch, and they say the least controversial thing possible because giving an actual opinion might hurt their chances with some of the judges. This is much worse (and much more phony) than "reading on cue cards".
MattJoe apologizes for getting emotional, saying that he's not usually aggressive, and that he must have learned it from his friend, Bravo.
So Bravo is creepy and aggressive. Because nothing says "great relationship material" like giving off "potential sex offender" vibes! Then Tookie starts thinking about Bravo, and wonders how she should have acted while sucking his thumb.
Guru MattJoe then tells them that he'll be judging their natural debate talents, while saying "um", "yep, yep" and otherwise showing himself a really crappy choice to teach a public speaking class.
So modeling is all about lying and being phony in order to sell stuff? Does that mean models are just pretty versions of used cars salesmen?
MattJoe suggests that they start with a fun topic, and Chaste suggests debating the merits of "free swing versus firm sling." (No bra vs. bra.) This goes right over the Guru's head, who thinks she's talking about hammocks.
They just go with that topic, with Chaste representing "free swing" (of course) and Shiraz as "firm swing."
This little debate is completely irrelevant and stupid. All you need to know is that Chaste's argument is that she spends it talking about melons. Shiraz's argument is said to have "humor and logic."
Truly inspiring. Everyone applauds this display of wit, except Zarpessa (who has to force herself not to).
Then Ci~L is dropped into the class, with Persimmon delivering her there. Ci~L is wearing a muzzle and a gray jumpsuit that says "UGLY ROOM." Because Ci~L has continued to say . . . whatever it is she's been saying that ticks off the BellaDonna. So far, all I've seen her punished for is her poetry. Given the quality of her poems, she totally deserved it. (I think she may secretly be a Vogon.)
Ci~L takes off the jumpsuit, revealing that she's wearing a green Modelland Bella uniform which is so small that it's bursting at the seams. Ci~L has been demoted to first year Bella as a punishment (one quadmester behind Tookie and friends). The fact that the uniform is so small is said to be the reason that Ci~L is called "body girl." I have no idea whether she's supposed to be plus-sized, obese, or just have large breasts. The text isn't clear which it is, but her being large-breasted is the only one that makes sense given the previous descriptions of her we've gotten.
Guru MattJoe reveals that he's a good guy by sympathizing with Ci~L.
Zarpessa says that Ci~L will be "slumming it with the No-Sees."
Tookie? Drop dead. Zarpessa is an asshole, but making fun of her for being homeless is way over the line. It's like making fun of someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk.
Persimmon then tells MattJoe to give Ci~L the argument that will "please the BellaDonna most" before leaving the classroom.
We then get a Tookie vs. Zarpessa debate, with each of them getting a debate partner. (Ci~L is with Zarpessa, and Dylan is with Tookie.)
Ci~L points out that the BellaDonna wouldn't like her arguing that position. MattJoe ignores her. Yes. Force the woman who has been being TORTURED for her views to speak out so that she can be tortured some more. MattJoe is a jerk.
Zarpessa starts, and uses this opportunity to bash the other girls, even though - in theory - she's supposed to be defending them. I guess she hates Tookie and her friends more than she cares about her grades.
Chaste laughs at this, and MattJoe comments that Zarpessa has a sharp tongue. Naturally, even though he's in charge of the class, he doesn't tell her she was out of line, but allows Zarpessa to verbally abuse her classmates. Even the "nice" Gurus in Modelland are jerks.
Ci~L speaks next. She takes this opportunity to be a huge freaking hypocrite, verbally abusing Zarpessa, insulting her appearance and talking about dancing on her grave. What happened to not sinking to her level?
Just making lines rhyme doesn't make it good poetry. Also, making UL plural by using an apostrophe offends me on a deep, personal level. I cannot permit this continued abuse of the English language! Tyra Banks, I formally challenge you to a duel poetry contest. Notebooks and pencils at twenty paces.
Tookie takes her turn, and structures her rebuttal like it was a diary entry to Ci~L. She says that in spite of the fact that everyone thinks of her and her friends as "a midget and a whale and a ghost and a freak of nature," she is happy there.
Tookie then gives Myrracle as proof that ideal beauty is the only kind that matters.
"Ci~L, Thank (sic) you for standing up for me earlier. But please allow me to accept my fate. Your crusade is useless, pointless. Perhaps it's what is driving you insane."
Of course. The months of horrible torture aren't what's driving her insane. It's her views on beauty.
Ci~L then delivers the Aesop of the novel before Dylan interrupts.
"When in fact, if we reprogram our brainwashed-with-extra-strength-bleach minds, it can be that!"—she jabbed her finger at Shiraz—"and that"—she motioned to Piper—"and this!" She grabbed hold of Tookie's face. "And—"
"Fat!" Dylan screamed.
If we'd actually been with Dylan for a few months and seen her struggling with her body issues, this next part might actually be powerful. But it falls flat, because Dylan's character is flat.
Dylan says that she's different from the other girls because she's fat, and that all of what Ci~L said doesn't apply to her.
Dylan cuts her off, saying that Ci~L is wrong. Ci~L decides that the best way to help Dylan's self-esteem is to insult her.
It shouldn't be Dylan's job to have to defend her appearance from everyone that criticizes her. If Dylan wants to dedicate herself to challenging people's views on beauty, that is wonderful, but it shouldn't be treated like an obligation on her part. If people are going to judge Dylan solely on her appearance, those people aren't worth arguing with or even talking to.
Dylan tells Ci~L to shut up and then runs out on the class.
Guru MattJoe tells Tookie that her arguments were "the most eloquent speeches I've heard in quite some time." He then tells her that she "won" her first War On Words.
Then Persimmon shows up and tells Guru MattJoe off.
Unfortunately, yes. MattJoe is told that he's caused Ci~L to regress "by a fortnight", and that he'll answer to the BellaDonna. I have no clue why Persimmon didn't just stay for the class to prevent something like that. Maybe she's just incredibly lazy.
The class ends. The various metal belongings are returned, with the Likee sisters stealing some stuff. Tookie grabs her precious stalker pin and flower brooch before they can take those, too.
Tookie and Shiraz leave the class, and spot Dylan running away. They follow her, but she flees up a stepladder and into an unfamiliar hallway that smells like wet fur.
It's Catwalk Corridor, a corridor they were warned not to enter earlier in the book, with hints at horrible injuries if they did. (Sort of like the Forbidden Corridor in Harry Potter, except with cats instead of a dog.)
They hear screeching, growls and hisses, but don't see Dylan.
This ends the chapter.
Random Questions
- What happened to Piper? She was in the class with the rest of them. Why didn't she chase after Dylan with Shiraz and Tookie?
- Is the fact that Tookie had a filling ripped out ever going to be brought up again? That's got to be painful, and it's likely her tooth would get infected.
Comments
