Alright, when we last left off Pooh and his Friends, they just found gold. But they also find that it’s not theirs. We go into count 4 of our Countdown To Destruction. And they say that Four Is Death...
So Buster tells them that it’s not their gold. Why can’t they just take the two they are holding and leave? I mean, whoever owns the gold can’t be that OCD enough to notice two pieces of gold missing. Unless they happen to be aliens. Buster, fanboy that he is, gets scared when he sees aliens. I am not making that up. And there is the original sound, meaning that in some context (I assume a nightmare), Buster gets scared of aliens. “Aru! You guys are aliens, dyu!” NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Then another chase scene song plays.
The Aliens also spot Pooh and his friends (GASP! Count: 1) and they, as Tigger always puts it, “MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!” I will say that the song is catchy, but it is no Terror Time
. But as this chase happens, there comes the scene where everyone goes through the corridors. In the original, we have about ten people (the three aliens, the gang, Crystal and Amber), but then you have so many of these characters. It makes it look more like what would happen if Wal-Mart was to open its doors to the mass of people on Black Friday, only for that mass to evacuate when the fumigators come in. There would be shoving, people would be stepped on. Trust me; it will not be a pretty picture. Besides, how wide are those corridors anyways? And so Pooh and his friends get trapped in a net. Okay, I know I make way too many clown car jokes, but seriously? First the Clown House, then the Clown Trailer, then the Clown Corridors, now the Clown Net? The sheer weight would bring that net crashing down. Boom, gang nabs the villains and the story is over. But no. We are railroaded yet again. Oh, and one more count for the GASP! (GASP! Count: 2)
“They must really hate salesmen.” Tigger says. No, what they hate is meddling kids. Which are what you guys are mostly composed of. “Suddenly, going to Scorpion Ridge doesn’t sound like a good idea.” I thought you guys were wandering randomly across the desert (or purple planet) and all of a sudden you came across it. I didn’t know going to a place you may have never heard about until now was your idea. Then all of a sudden, D.W. begins to call them out. “You will pay for all your crimes!” WHAT CRIMES? Other than stealing cattle, probing random people, and capturing you, there are no huge crimes. The way she says it, it’s like she’s confronting a Complete Monster. Which is a very weird thing to see. The alien does me a favour by telling her to shut up. I kind of laughed when Pooh offered a hug and the aliens are like “Shut up, Pooh Bear, we don’t like hugs.” Mostly because I read it in Lerr’s voice. Again, a very weird scene to watch. Tigger says that they should stand and fight. Uh, Tigger, you are captured. Maybe if you were not in that situation, you could fight, but no. Hell, Owl and Gopher agree- WAIT WHAT? WHERE THE HELL DID THEY COME FROM? You know, maybe the You Tube users ought to make a list of whose in this video and who isn’t, because I am sure as hell confused. (Well, there are the credits) Okay, so Velma tells them to give up the singing. “What’s the matter with him?” Gopher says. Wait... HIM? VELMA IS A BOY? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{A few hours later}
Alright. I am calm. Okay, so she calls the alien Steve. Okay, I should shut up about her being paranoid, because she is right. So yeah, SALF-Tachi are the aliens. So, Daphnee wonders why they did it, and Laura asks if she has any ideas how much gold wishes they got. Wait, wishes? Wait, Iago? What the hell is Iago doing... Unless... OH YEAH! JAFAR HAS ARRIVED! AND HE HAS EPIC MUSIC SET UP AS WELL! (Gasp Count: 4 (one for Iago, and another for Jafar)). But they are not alone, as someone else appears... MALEFICENT! (Gasp Count: 5) And apparently they are dating. Wait, what? Okay, that sounds slightly better than a giant fire breathing turtle dating a 14 year old possessed by an evil power. And Arthur knows her. Wait, what? How does Arthur know her? Tigger implies that Maleficent is their enemy for some time. All this while they show the Hercules episode where Jafar teams up with Aladdin. Okay, now it’s reminding me of a better show to watch.
Okay, so Max explains how he got the lamp and how his first wish was for gold. Okay, so the gold would materialize, right? Nope, turns out that they came across the gold in the mine soon afterwards. Congratulations, you just wasted your first wish, and Jafar didn’t need to do anything to screw it up. Clearly you are the smartest character in the entire movie. Okay, sure, if Jafar made the gold behind him, it might make sense. Oh, and the other two get three wishes as well, despite them not finding the lamp. You know, I think Aladdin himself try to pull that off by saying something among the lines of: “Oh, and since Abu is with me, that counts as three extra wishes”. Do you know what happened? Well, Genie saw what Aladdin was aiming for and denies him the extra wishes. (Okay that was from an old parody dub, but still) And he was the nicer one compared to Jafar, who used his master, Abis Mal’s first wish to send him to the bottom of an ocean, and then used the second wish to save him, thus wasting two wishes in one shot.
Then Laura explains her first wish, which is bringing Maleficent Back from the Dead. Uh... No. One of the rules of the Genie is that reviving the dead is a no-no. Okay, Genie himself said that it is possible, but results could be nasty. Okay, it would work if the person coming back wrong was wrong in the first place, I think. Plus, how does she know Maleficent? Did Jafar tell her? Well, I hope so, because if she knows of Maleficent through watching Sleeping Beauty, then the number of plot holes will multiply by two. She also notes that if they hadn’t found Jafar, they wouldn’t have found all this gold. Uh, you could have kept looking, you would have found the gold and not had wasted your first wish. Then they wish for two people to fence off the area (the two security guards). One wonders why they didn’t wish for the gold to be transported without having the government officials see it (as the place was government property). Oh, and Tigger says that the last time they saw Maleficent, which was pretty much when Phillip kicked her ass. And I mean Prince Phillip, not the other Phillip. Tigger doesn’t quite understand the idea of the dead rising, does he? Hell, Maleficent calls him a fool. Then some awkward subtitling leads to Velma saying Maleficent’s line. Just read this.
Velma: When they wished me back alive, I knew I would get my revenge on you somehow.
That just makes it all the more scarier. At least Ttark saw the error and made it so that it was Maleficent speaking.
Oh, and Buster shifts to his South Park form.
Will our heroes make it out of Scorpion Ridge alive? Will our villains stop being so stupid? Will I Rage Quit? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z When Worlds Collide!
