History Film / IfFootmenTireYouWhatWillHorsesDo

* InfantImmortality: Inverted! In fact the worst scenes involve children....from the boy getting his eardrums punctured (then barfing up a storm), the kids forced to drop their dad on a pitchfork and the kid who gets his head lopped off. Then, of course, the kids seen among the gunned-down dead.

That's the FramingDevice for ''If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?'', a 1971 RedScare film produced by Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, who also appears AsHimself in the role of Judy's preacher. Reverend Pirkle is here to warn us that America must abandon its sinful ways and turn back to God, or else it will be taken over by communists. The film's director is Ron Ormond, a man who could not be stranger bedfellows with Reverend Pirkle. The creator of {{Exploitation Film}}s like ''Mesa of Lost Women'' and ''The Monster and the Stripper'', Ormond found religion after surviving a plane crash.

* BrokenAesop: The film decries the violence on television, despite having some rather graphic scenes depicting communist horrors. The blood is [[SpecialEffectFailure very obviously fake]], but it's still more violent than anything you would see on U.S. television during the 1970s.

* GodTest: Communist brainwashers use this to teach children that Jesus can't miraculously provide them with candy, but "our glorious leader UsefulNotes/FidelCastro" can. This at least is something [[TruthInTelevision really done]] in communist states.
** Why a bunch of characters who are supposed to be Soviets (considering their bad 'Russian'/'Dracula' accents) are focused on a Cuban guy rather than, you know, a Russian, is anyone's guess. Shouldn't those kids be praying to ''Brezhnev'' for candy?

* MissingStepsPlan: The Reverend is a mite vague on exactly how good Christians abstaining from premartial sex, dancing, and miniskirts is supposed to prevent the Red Menace from invading the U.S. unopposed. Mocked by the inimitable Creator/{{Seanbaby}} in his review from ''The Wave'':

* MoralGuardian: Reverend Pirkle ("Dancing is just as wrong as it's always been!")
* NewMediaAreEvil: Reverend Pirkle is definitely not a fan of television. He tells us that "Since the advent of TV, the crime rate in some areas has increased one thousand percent." Needless to say, he provides no evidence that television is the ''cause'' of the rise in crime. [[FalseCause Correlation does not imply causation]], Mr. Pirkle. Incidentally, the U.S. crime rate later fell in TheNineties and this was not accompanied by television going away.

* ScareEmStraight: The whole point
* SchizoTech: Throughout the film, communist soldiers ride around on horses. Presumably, this is to drive home the "footmen and horses" metaphor, but there doesn't seem to be any internal logic behind it. The Reds evidently have a very tight Christian-murdering budget, since most of their motor vehicle needs seem to be handled by a beat-up Ford truck.
** And these idiots manage to take over a country with a huge military budget and gun-loving populace. Unless there's implied beefed-up Soviet forces off-camera (and assumed to exist) the whole scenario is stupid and impossible.

* UnfortunateNames: Reverend ''Estus Pirkle?!''

* WhatTheHellIsThatAccent: What has been described as a "Communist accent". A deep blend of German, Russian and Cuban, with it shifting not only from scene to scene, but within the same lines.
** In the case of the [[OohMeAccentsSlipping Commissar]] (the guy in the Trope Page photo above with the kid....whom he soon beheads....), add a bit of "DeepSouth".

** In the case of the [[OohMeAccentsSlipping Commissar]] (the guy in the Trope Page photo above with the kid....whom he soon beheads....), add a bit of "DeepSouth".

* HystericalWoman: Pretty much every single woman who has any kind of contact with a communist.

* NewMediaAreEvil: Reverend Pirkle is definitely not a fan of television. He tells us that "Since the advent of TV, the crime rate in some areas has increased one thousand percent." Needless to say, he provides no evidence that television is the ''cause'' of the rise in crime. [[FalseCause Correlation does not imply causation]], Mr. Pirkle.

During the 1970s and 1980s, this film was circulated amongst the more fundamentalist churches in the United States -- and not just in the DeepSouth. Today, it's something of a CultClassic for [[SoBadItsGood different reasons]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5o_LwqX77I See it here.]]

* UnfortunateNames: Reverend ''Eustus Pirkle?!''

** Reverend Pirkle claims that it took only a week for the communists to take over China. Who knows where he got that figure from, but it's total nonsense. The [[UsefulNotes/NoMoreEmperors Chinese Civil War]] which eventually resulted in [[RedChina Communist]] [[ChineseWithChopperSupport military victory]] (under UsefulNotes/MaoZedong) lasted from 1916 to 1950, with some time on the proverbial back-burner/low heat for the UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar.

->''The loudspeaker spoke up and said, Christianity is stupid. Christianity is stupid. Communism is good. Communism is good. Give up. Give up.''[[labelnote:*]]If you listen to Negativland, this quote may sound familiar...[[/labelnote]]

During the 1970s and 1980s, this film was circulated amongst the more fundamentalist churches in the DeepSouth. Today, it's something of a CultClassic for [[SoBadItsGood different reasons]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5o_LwqX77I See it here.]]

** A subtle one is how the USSR is portrayed as some sort of atheist hellhole, yet participation in the Orthodox church started to pick up again after the German invasion during World War 2. While the church was controlled by the Soviet government and the post of Metropolitan of Moscow was vacant for some years beyond 1917, Christianity has been central to Russian identity for so long and even communism could not dislodge it.

* BadLiar: Tommy denying that he is a Christian. He outlines his plan to only pretend to deny his faith while Communist soldiers are standing '''[[TooDumbToLive right next to him]]'''.

* InfantImmortality: Inverted HARD! In fact the worst scenes involve children....from the boy getting his eardrums punctured (then barfing up a storm), the kids forced to drop their dad on a pitchfork and the kid who gets his head lopped off. Then, of course, the kids seen among the gunned-down dead.

** Reverend Pirkle says that three million Christians have been killed in UsefulNotes/NorthKorea, twenty million Christians have been killed in the UsefulNotes/SovietUnion, and fifty million Christians have been killed in RedChina. If that seems like an oddly large number of Christians to be living in China, it's because Pirkle took the complete death toll of the Maoist regime and just assumed that all the victims were Christians. The numbers from North Korea and the Soviet Union seem to be based on the same "reasoning" (though in the latter at least more victims actually ''were'' targeted for their religion).

** In the case of the [[OohMeAccentsSlipping Commissar]] (the guy in the Trope Page photo above with the kid....whom he soons behead....), add a bit of "DeepSouth".

* WhatTheHellIsThatAccent: What has been described as a "Communist accent". A deep blend of German, Russian and Cuban, with it shifting not only from scene to scene, but within the same lines.

** Reverend Pirkle says that three million Christians have been killed in UsefulNotes/NorthKorea, twenty million Christians have been killed in the UsefulNotes/SovietUnion, and fifty million Christians have been killed in RedChina. If that seems like an oddly large number of Christians to be living in China, it's because Pirkle took the complete death toll of the Maoist regime and just assumed that all the victims were Christians.
** "One of the top communists in America today said, 'I dream of the hour when the last Congressman is strangled to death on the guts of the last preacher and since the Christians love to sing about the blood, let's give them a little of it. Let's cut the throats of their children and let them drown in their own blood on the altar. Then we'll see if they enjoy singing these hymns or not.'" Christian conspiracy theorists have long attributed various versions of this quote to then CPUSA leader Gus Hall, but it [[BeamMeUpScotty seems to have no basis in fact]]. [[invoked]]

** A subtle one is how the USSR is portrayed as some sort of Atheist hellhole, yet participation in the Orthodox church started to pick up again after the German invasion during World War 2. While the church was controlled by the Soviet government and the post of Metropolitan of Moscow was vacant for some years beyond 1917, Christianity has been central to Russian identity for so long and even communism could not dislodge it.

* AuthorTract: The whole film is literally a preacher preaching at us

* DirtyCommunists: As far as the film is concernced, a "communist" is someone who goes around torturing and murdering Christians for no reason. Capitalism is only brought up once, and rather offhandedly at that.

* GodTest: Communist brainwashers use this to teach children that Jesus can't miraculously provide them with candy, but "our glorious leader UsefulNotes/FidelCastro" can.

* InfantImmortality: Inverted HARD! In fact the worst scenes involve children....from the boy getting his eardrums punctured (then barfing up a storm), the kids forced to drop their dad on a pitchfork & the kid who gets his head lopped off. Then, of course, the kids seen amongst the gunned-down dead.
* {{Irony}}: Unintended, but at one point Pirkle is warning that the Communists will force you to sit on wooden benches and listen to loudspeakers spewing propaganda (see the page quote above), and is saying this to a congregation sitting on wooden pews.

* NewMediaAreEvil: Reverend Pirkle is definitely not a fan of television. He tells us that, "since the advent of TV, the crime rate in some areas has increased one thousand percent." Needless to say, he provides no evidence that television is the ''cause'' of the rise in crime. [[FalseCause Correlation does not imply causation]], Mr. Pirkle.

* OohMeAccentsSlipping: This is especially apparent with the main Commissar. He's played by a very DeepSouth kind of guy trying to talk like an invading Soviet & failing miserably, with an accent that seems to waiver between "Count Dracula" & "Foghorn Leghorn". The other "Communists" aren't that much better, either.

** And these idiots manage to take over a country with a huge military budget & a gun-loving populace. Unless there's implied beefed-up Soviet forces off-camera (and assumed to exist) the whole scenario is stupid and impossible.

* StupidGood: Okay, some goons have taken over your country & are killing religious folks like yourself in various horrifying ways. Do you have your services in a basement, an isolated barn or abandoned warehouse? HECK, NO! You have services in the open outdoors or in actual Churches, [[TooStupidToLive where the "Commies" can see you!]]

* ThisLoserIsYou: Judy

** Reverend Pirkle claims that it took only a week for the communists to take over China. Who knows where he got that figure from, but it's total nonsense. The [[UsefulNotes/NoMoreEmperors Chinese Civil War]] which eventually resulted in [[RedChina Communist]] [[ChineseWithChopperSupport military victory]] (under MaoZedong) lasted from 1916 to 1950, with some time on the proverbial back-burner/low heat for the UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar.

** Reverend Pirkle claims that it took only a week for the communists to take over China. Who knows where he got that figure from, but it's total nonsense. The [[NoMoreEmperors Chinese Civil War]] which eventually resulted in [[RedChina Communist]] [[ChineseWithChopperSupport military victory]] (under MaoZedong) lasted from 1916 to 1950, with some time on the proverbial back-burner/low heat for the UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar.

-->'''Reporter''': We interrupt this program to bring you news bulletins from WashingtonDC. All the wires have sent us the account. The President of the United States has been killed ''[strange pause]'' in the White House, along with the Secretary of State and the Speaker of the House of Representatives. [[ThisJustIn Other bulletins]], coming from around the country, say that the governors of several states have been killed; the Governor of California, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana... and of New York. [[ThisJustIn There are other bulletins that tell us]]... that people are being herded into the street of the large cities and machine-gunned down like cattle! Ladies and gentlemen... this... is the communist takeover of the United States! This is the end of democracy as you and I know it!

I Irony: Unintended, but at one point Pirkle is warning that the Communists will force you to sit on wooden benches and listen to loudspeakers spewing propaganda (see the page quote above), and is saying this to a congregation sitting on wooden pews.

-->'''Reporter''': We interrupt this program to bring you news bulletins from WashingtonDC. All the wires have sent us the account. The President of the United States has been killed ''[strange pause]'' in the White House, along with the Secretary of State and the Speaker of the House of Representatives. [[ThisJustIn Other bulletins]], coming from around the country, say that the governors of several states have been killed; the Governor of California, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana... and of New York. [[ThisJustIn There are other bulletins that tell us]]... that people are being herded into the street of the large cities and machine-gunned down like cattle! Ladies and gentlemen... this... is the communist takeover of the United States! This is the end of democracy as you and I know it!

* BadLiar: Tommy denying that he is a Christian

* EasyEvangelism: Judy (although to be fair, it does take the whole film to get her to repent)

* MissingStepsPlan: The Reverend is a mite fuzzy on exactly how good Christians abstaining from premartial sex, dancing, and miniskirts is supposed to prevent the Red Menace from invading the U.S. unopposed. Mocked by the inimitable Creator/{{Seanbaby}} in his review from ''The Wave'':

* SchizoTech: Throughout the film, communist soldiers ride around on horses. Presumably, this is to drive home the "footmen and horses" metaphor, but there doesn't seem to be any internal logic behind it.

During the 1970s and 1980s, this film was circulated amongst the more fundamentalist churches in the DeepSouth. Today, it's something of a CultClassic for [[SoBadItsGood different reasons]].

* ArtisticLicenseHistory: Hoo boy:

* HystericalWoman: Pretty much every single woman who has any kind of contact with a communist

* InfantImmortality: Inverted HARD! In fact the worst scenes involve children....from the boy getting his eardrums punctured (then barfing up a storm), the kids forced to drop their dad on a pitchfork & the kid who gets his head lopped off. Then, of course, the kids seen amongst the gunned-down dead.

* GodTest: Communist brainwashers use this to teach children that Jesus can't miraculously provide them with candy, but "our glorious leader FidelCastro" can.

* OohMeAccentsSlipping: This is especially apparent with the main Commissar. He's a very DeepSouth kind of guy trying to talk like an invading Soviet & failing miserably, with an accent that seems to waiver between "Count Dracula" & "Foghorn Leghorn". The other "Communists" arent that much better, either.

* SpecialEffectsFailure: Most of the carnage is this, along with the bargain-basement acting. Amongst other cinematic attrocities, you have:
** Some of the gunned-down people being played by mannequins.
** Blood looks like cherry dessert-topping.
** The boy's beheading involve a totally fakey knife from the toy section at K-Mart & is cheesily portrayed.
** The "Soviet" flags & insignias look like they were made from scratch by five-year-olds.
** The news anchor's newsroom is an ugly wood-paneled wall with a map on it.
** The flashback scenes where Rev. Pirkle muses fondly about the [=McGuffey=] Readers are supposedly set in the turn of the 20th Century but everybody still dress like it's TheSeventies.