Let’s Watch: Dingo Pictures' "Animal Soccer World"

Heck, I've already got most of my daily busywork squared away. I might as well get started with my review right now.

So, exciting past two weeks! Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but FIVE regular readers are now doing their own liveblogs of crappy animated products. So if reading rants by terrific tropers about miserable movies is your thing, check out Michael Dj 54’s The Little Panda Fighter, Gentlemanorcus and Randomtropeloser’s Pocahontas, and Freezair for a Limited Time Only and Pirka’s Dalmatians 2/3/4.

Oh, and uh, mine. Check that one out, too.

Part 5: Under the Watchful Eye of Comrade Puss

(Clever sentence encouraging you to follow along here!)

FADE IN as OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC plays over this weird electric keyboard marching tune. You gotta wonder where Dingo gets its music.

Puss in Boots (SIGH!) walks down a street, with Candy Bear following behind. Candy Bear seems to be limping, like he’s got blisters on his feet. Maybe he should also invest in GIANT RED BOOTS WTF I CANNOT GET OVER IT WHY ARE THERE RED BOOTS WHY IS PUSS IN BOOTS HERE?!?!?!

Also, the street they’re on has houses. The question about who lives in them remains unanswered, but I‘m beginning to suspect the animals killed everyone in the town in a vicious uprising. Obviously the revolution that didn’t happen in Anastasia’s world was transferred to Animal Soccer World.

The marching music stops suddenly. I guess it just didn’t like the competition from OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC.

“Hey Samson,” says Puss. The bear breaks the fourth wall to give the audience this hammy ‘Woah!’ look that serves no purpose. Maybe he‘s worried Puss knows the secret to his super strength and will shave him and have him murdered. Animal Soccer World is a savage land. “Have you heard about the soccer game?”

“Of course,” says a deep-voiced Candy Bear, trying to play it cool. Puss doesn’t know about the family of humans I’ve been hiding in a cave since the Great Cull, he thinks. Just play it cool, bear. Really cool. “Everybou-dy’s talking abowt it.”

“Fabulous!” says Puss, hand clenched firmly behind his back. It’s a stance he learned back in the Tierewehrmacht. “That means there will be a lot of spectators. And so, that means, you have to make a lot of candy for them!”

Just play along, thinks Candy Bear, and he will be none the wiser. “I’m going to make the sweetest, and best, candy, you ever taste, before.”

Puss accepts this response without question and leaves at last. The inquisition is over—for now. “MmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM!*” growls Candy Bear, finally able to vent his anger and fear. He walks back to the cave to check on the human family, but knowing Puss’s spies may be anywhere in town, he mumbles to himself, “Popcorn, and shocolates, and kendies mmmmmm…”

* Note: I have no clue about that sound. It's just weird and terrifying.

We now keep following Puss, Animal Soccer World’s Minister of Peace and Propaganda, as he continues his daily inspection. He walks past a haystack (more evidence of an animal farm) and some traditional German timber-framed houses, although I don’t know how these houses stay up— timber-frames do not work that way!

Some jaunty midi country music plays, with a midi banjo or something. The scene shifts, and we see four animals playing music— a dog playing a tom-tom, a white cat on a violin, a donkey on upright bass, and a rooster playing saxophone. Figures— cocks love their sax.

I question the donkey’s ability to play bass— he cannot pluck with hooves! How silly.

The music cuts so quickly you could carve a turkey with it. “Yeah, that doesn’t sound badly,” says the donkey bassist, obviously in denial. “Only the gui-tar sola, that is still a problem.”

“The guitar solo” is a problem? Problem as in, you don’t have a guitar in the band? Yeah, I can see how that might ruin the solo!

Seriously, writers, animators, voice actors— did you ALL miss that there was NO GUITAR in this band?!

“Once again please,” says Donkey, over a shot of the dog playing his drum. No sound comes out except the ever-present OMINOUS MIDI BONGOS.

“Oookay,” says Puss, hands on his hips, “stop stop stop stop.” His voice sounds like a rusty gate. “We need a soccer song. You have to rehearsal right away!” Do as he says, band animals— you don’t want to get the Minister of Peace and Propaganda angry. The blood will flow like honey.

“What do you think what we are doing here?” says donkey, heedless of my warnings. Perhpas he thinks speaking in nonsense will save him. It will not. I get the feeling next time we see him, he’ll just be a head in a bed. “We already have an idea.”

“Oh I’m serry! Oh I’ll sury!” he says, but we know he isn’t sorry, not really. “I thought you didn’t know anything about the game yet.” Really? How could he not know, you’ve dropped flyers, you’ve told everyone, you’ve picked soccer teams, you’ve got four reporters reporting it— plus there’s the little fact that it’s the only thing anyone's been talking about for the ENTIRE MOVIE! Get on with it!

“That is kinda hard, that pelican is dropping all those flyers all around the forest,” says the rooster, who can obviously read my mind. But, like, before I even think of it. So like... a future psychic? He knows what I will be thinking? Does that even work?

“And noa leave us alone," says donkey, thankfully interrupting my reverie. "We must work.” Ass.

The cat fiddles. Amazingly, violin music comes out.

In the deadest, least-enthusiastic voice the actor can muster, donkey says, “And-a one, two, three, four—”

And the clip they used to show them playing the first time around plays again. Whoop-dee-friggin’-doo.

Finally, FADE OUT as the jaunty country music plays over the OMINOUS MIDI BONGOS. Is anyone surprised?

What have we learned so far? Dingo Pictures sucks, Animal Soccer World is boring, and tomorrow I will wake up to find my eyeballs have jumped out of them sockets in disgust. Also, this movie becomes much more awesome [[:strike:mildly more watchable]] slightly less painful if you read it as an animal parable about a totalitarian dictatorship, with the soccer match organisers as government officials who use entertainment to control the masses and distract them from the evils going on in the country.

YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS!

edited 10th Oct '10 1:39:41 PM by Ronka87

"We need a soccer song!"

"This next game is called 'Song Styles,' and it's for Wayne, Colin, and Ryan with Dr. Laura Hall on the piano. Now, we need a sport—"
"SOCCER!"
"Alright, soccer, and a musical style"
"CHEAP 90'S GEOCITIES BACKGROUND MIDI!"
"Alright, this is Wayne, Colin, and Ryan with the top 90's Geocities Background Midi songs about soccer..."

^ I love you,ust for that reference alone.

Also, MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM bear frightens me. But that's nothing in compaprison to S AND M DUCKS

Also, hooray advertisement! :D

edited 10th Oct '10 2:13:06 PM by MichaelDj54

cocks love their sax

Glad to see another update, and LOL @Freezair for the Whose Line references. BTW, Freezair, I'm going to dive into Dalmatians 3 tomorrow. Brrr...wish me luck.

edited 11th Oct '10 1:27:42 AM by Pirka

Everything is better with Whose Line references. Everything!

Hola, amigos! I'm just dropping in to say the next part probably won't be coming until November (but that's only like a week away anyway). I put this on hold for a sec because I'm doing a Halloween-themed blog thing over here; 13 days, 13 reviews of Halloween specials. They're very similar to what I'm doing here, but with Halloween shows instead of Dingo products, which means they are automatically 100,000,000 times better. The shows, not the reviews; it's the same crap as always.

Anyway, if you're jonesing for some seasonal recaps, drop by. I'd love to hear your comments. :)

Love your recap, Ronka...I have been laughing heartily at what's been pointed out, and even some bizarre things that I never noticed before. I screened Animal Soccer World for some friends and they were absolutely floored by how bad it is.

I can recommend some others that are just as twisted; Countryside Bears and Mouse Police. Hell I'd totally want to do a Let's Watch commentary on Countryside Bears. Though perhaps they're not as much goofy fun, they certainly have lots of "WTF" included in them!

Keep up the great work!

-Seth

Thanks for the comment, dude. I've been thinking I might do Mouse Police after this. And double thanks for saving this liveblog from being “archived” for not having any replies in the past month. ;)

Sorry for the wait, folks! I’ve been inundated with school work all through November, and the LB has taken it on the chin. But today I decided, fuckit, I’m going to work on my liveblog. I still have papers and exams and assignments and group projects and unit presentations due next week, but forget ‘em! I deserve a break.

Sadly, my break involves Dingo Pictures. It is a sad existence.

Part 6: Dogs Playing Soccer

(Watch along with me here!)

FADE IN on an upbeat country music midi clip, over or under (does it matter?) the OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. Good God, it never ends.

A soccer ball flies stiffly across a soccer pitch, missing a goal net composed of two moldy baguettes stuck in the ground. There’s some gaspy old man/cackling demon laughter, and we cut to a crowd of dogs jittering their heads slightly. Nothing funnier than missing a goal! That’s why soccer fans are always such a cheery bunch.

Country music cuts out, meaning we have nothing but the OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC playing for the next little while. The Poochie dog with sunglasses, a pink hat, and slingshot (stupidest dog design ever?) seems to have been neutered between clips—his voice is now incredibly high-pitched.

“I can do much better, with a real goal keeper,” he lies. You couldn’t even put in in the net without one! It's harder when there's something blocking you, numbnut!

“What takes Poochie so long,” says a gray dog. Actually, he says “Butcher,” not “Poochie,” but it honestly sounds like Poochie and I had to listen to it about four times before I understood what he was saying. As if the accent wasn’t bad enough, the VA also can’t enunciate.

This being Animal Soccer World, aka Speak of the Devil and He Shall Appear World, Butcher and what-his-face, the other little dog, what was his name, he was Sasha in Anastasia... Cromell! Anyway, Butcher and Cromell show up about two-thirds of a second after the dog speaks. Maybe not even that long.

We’re treated to several seconds of glorious WALKING, and then Growlie the black dog/asshole captain of the team orders Butcher around.

“Finally at last what took you so long!” he growls. See, if it were me, I would have just chosen one of those phrases. Three seems like overkill. “Butcher, get in net!” Dogs fucking hate definite articles.

“I only play, when Cromell also can play!” says Butcher, immediately after Growly speaks. It’s sweet that even missing half his brain matter, Butcher still cares about his friend.

“Cromell doesn’t play. He’s way too small,” says the gray dog, immediately after Butcher speaks.

“Well, then you have to find yourself another goalkeeper,” says Butcher, immediately after the gray dog speaks.

“That’s not possible, you have to play!” says Poochie, immediately after… you know what? Every time someone new talks, just assume there is absolutely no time between the first speaker’s last line and the new speaker’s first line. It’s machine gun dialogue. I’m sure this violates scriptwriting rules. I know it violates my ears.

Says Butcher, “No.” Then Butcher stares face-on at the audience. Beat. Holy shit, an actual beat. They actually stopped the dialogue long enough to make a beat. There was a moment between one character speaking and another character speaking. Call Harry, start the presses— Dingo Pictures added a beat!

But there is a slight problem: A beat doesn’t work here. You need more than a beat, you need a full silence. A beat is for a joke; a silence is for tension. You want tension. You need to cut to other characters, show Growly thinking, show Cromell worried, show Butcher remaining firm, all to build up the question of whether Cromell will be allowed on the team. And then, once you've pushed it so far the audience can't take the suspense anymore, then you have Growly relent. That’s how you build tension. That’s how you make us care about what’s going to happen. Silence. Time between action. A beat doesn’t cut it!

... dope, I forgot, this is Dingo Pictures we're talking about. My mistake; pardon the rant. In the months since I last watched a DP movie, I’ve forgotten just how low I need to set my standards; I had them at “zero,” I need them at “negative thousandbillionty.”

So, about three seconds after Butcher says he won't play if Cromell doesn't, the team concedes. “Okay, okay, Cromell can practice… as a substitute,” says the big gray dog. But I thought Growly was the captain? Why is the gray dog calling the shots?

“Ey, what do you say Cromell?” asks Butcher, now channeling the Fonz.

“......... I agree,” says Cromell. There’s a long pause there, but it seems to me Cromell’s not considering his options—it’s more like Cromell’s voice actor is trying to find his place in the script. “Once they see how good I am—”

Growly interrupts. (I guess you’d call it growl interrupted. :D) “Can we all start practicing finally? Butcher, get in goal.” Yeah, you show those definite articles, Growly! You show ‘em.

Some excellent shots of Butcher WALKING toward the breadstick net as country music awkwardly cuts in. Pluto’s retarded hillbilly cousin runs (on two legs, while wearing a basketball uniform??) up to the ball, kicks it, and it stiltedly flies through the air. There is only one shot of a ball flying through the air in this movie, and it is the same slow, clunky, stilted shot over. And over. And over. And over.

Butcher runs toward the ball (I think they made new animation for this!), and blocks it with his head. Like he needs another concussion. I would make a “That’s using your head” joke, but I am so totally above that. Then he dies.

It’s weird. See, the ball bounces off his head, there’s this “piano slammed shut” noise barely audible under the country music and OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC, and Butcher fall on his belly, arms and legs splayed out. It’s almost like he’s having sex with the ground. This is a new shot, too—why would they draw this? Do they think it's funny?

“Oh. What a shot.” Obviously he's supposed to sound excited, but Cromell says this in the least interested voice I’ve heard in the entire past thirty seconds.

Butcher, now back on his feet but staring face on at the audience (I can see why Dingo prefers profiles and 3/4 shots), says, “Oo Oo Ooooh, it hurts so bad!" So it doesn't hurt so good? "Ooo Oooh!”

Again, I think Butcher's pain is supposed to be funny, because the other characters are laughing, but the general incompetence of Dingo Pictures plus the somewhat sympathetic nature of Butcher makes it fall flat. Flat as Butcher splayed out having sex with the ground.

“Ahahahahahahahaheeeenn!” Jeez, that’s a creepy laugh. That’s the laugh you hear when supervillains hoist heroes over vats of acid. That’s Vincent Price stuff, right there. Who the hell made a sound that creepy oh jeez it’s FUCKING PUSS IN BOOTS! I KNEW HE WAS EVIL!

So we cut to Puss, hand behind his back, head jittering, laughing evilly. Did Nazis ever have red goose-steppers? Just a question.

Growly growls, “Hey! You’re interrupting us!”

“Oh, sorry,” says Puss, who doesn’t sound sorry at all. Whether it’s because Puss is a dick or the actor is incompetent, I know not. “I’ll will [sic] be on my way soon, I only have one question: Do you wanna be a liney or the referee?”

A liney?

“I’ll be a referee,” says the glasses wearing dog (Professor Pooch). “That way I won’t have to run that far.” Something tells me this guy has never been a referee before… which makes sense, I guess, because this is clearly the first time this town has ever had a soccer match, despite knowing what soccer is. “I like that, yeah, I like that.” Repeating dialogue pads the movie, yeah, repeating dialogue pads the movie.

Puss leaves to find the other team so they can pick a linesman, and we get a HIDEOUSLY UGLY face-on shot of Cromell walking. And I thought Butcher's was bad. “Now it’s my turn,” says bored Cromell. Does he even have more than one tone?

Okay, what happens next is weird. The producers evidently didn’t edit the movie well (big surprise, I know), so the movie cuts to Puss WALKING, but the soundtrack is still back at the dogs playing soccer. I think they meant for there to be animation of the dogs, and they just forgot to add it in or something. So the dogs are still talking, but all we see on screen is Puss in Boots. And the dialogue, without the accompanying images, is very... suggestive.

Cromell says, “Now it’s my turn!”

A moment’s pause. Then Butcher says, “OH!”

Not, “ow”—- oh.

“Cromell, not that hard!” Butcher groans. “I didn’t know you could shoot that hard.”

........ Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. There is not enough Uh in the world to cover this. If everyone in the world got together, all six billion plus of us, and said, in the same voice at the same time, “Uh,” the “Uh” we made would not be big enough to convey the confusion I have over this line. It’s, it’s just… uh. Uh! Uh.

Dingo Pictures, why do you do this? This isn’t laziness—it can’t be. There is no way something this awkward happened by accident. First the Sexy Duck Narrator, then the Cree-Tio dinosaur Lolita relationship, and now intergenerational gay soccer playing dogs? It’s like something out of the dark side of the furry fandom. START. MAKING. SENSE.

I’m calling this section. I need a day or two to recover from the WTF. Thanks for the brain break, DP. Always appreciated.

A liney is obviously a lineback who's also an old-timey British sailor.

This is great stuff. The liveblog, I mean. Certainly not this wretched piece of garbage.

I watched a little bit ahead...but I stopped because at one point I completely and totally lost it. I died laughing. I died crying. I died Squicking in disgust. I flat out died.

This point will hopefully be revealed soon.

edited 29th Nov '10 9:16:39 PM by ColorPrinter

Oooh, now I'm all curious. I might get to it sometime this weekend.