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Funny / The Gulch Verse

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  • Trying to apologize to Az (and not quite sure what he's apologizing about) and unable to reach her by normal means, Gulch decides to climb a tree to her window. Unfortunately, the branch breaks before he makes it and he ends up dangling upside down by his ankle on another branch. Az opens the window and asks what he's doing. It leads to this exchange:
    "Officer Gulch! What are you doing?" exclaimed the shocked voice of Princess Azkadellia herself.

    "Apologizing," he responded, "or at least that was the plan."

    "Apologizing? You know what for?" her voice seemed to be trying to bridge the gap between amusement and accusation.

    Wondering if he dare risk craning around to look at her he replied, "Not sure, I was hoping you'd tell me, but since I'm facing imminent death here I don't suppose it matters anymore."

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  • Any and all of his not-quite-curses. They are to hilarious.

  • The description of the problems of fighting someone attached to you.
    It was particularly unjust, the cop thought, that the laws of physics, so often on vacation in the O.Z., felt the need to pay extra special attention to their fight. Seeing as Jeb Cain refused to keep his princess bashing comments to himself Gulch had taken it upon himself to give the boy a lesson in manners. What followed was an intricate exploration into the difficulties of fighting while securely attached to your opponent. Problem the first: when sending a man crashing to the ground with a crushing blow to the face, one inevitable followed as the forward momentum coupled with the sudden dead weight on the opposite arm were too much for any drunk man to counteract. Problem the second: when dodging back from a blow, the adversary must be pulled forward, resulting in embarrassing collision when one tries to deliver a quick jab. It felt half the time like they were attached by a rubber band that just kept recoiling and slamming them back together. Problem the third: even though his right fist was unhindered, which should have given Gulch an advantage, the cop's left hand was attached to Jeb's right. This meant that every time Jeb hit Gulch, Gulch hit Gulch. And then there was the slight issue of the handcuffs making it impossible for any well-meaning group of individuals to break things up.

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  • Gulch's first meeting with DG. A five year old girl trying to copy a rodeo she saw by riding a very ill-tempered bull. What could possibly go wrong?

  • The drunken conversations. They are spread throughout the "Gulchverse" and always produce a chuckle. Lord Fonteroy is especially good at them. He even manages to scold Cain about not admitting his feelings about DG while he was completely drunk.
    "Yoooou are an asho'," Lord Fonteroy stated firmly.

    The Tin Man blinked. So did the young lord, he was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to be the opening line. Oh well, it would do.

    "You fink u'r soooo great," Fonteroy slurred emphatically, "Biiiiiig gun, scarewe wookin' facesh. Yooo shave pwinsesh, good, shave kingdome, ev'n betta, bu' then wha? You do not'ing. Fink it make a gurl happy you always 'round wit the protectin' but not doin' anyfing? Left hangin' she is. No' ta menshion is hard on a fella, awways gettin' thumped for tryin' ta get near 'er."

    Cain watched with trepidation as the young lord paused to martial his thoughts. The Tin Man was feeling confused, astonished, and more than a little nervous regarding the noble's mental state.

    "Is that all?" he asked warily.

    "I dareshay it's not!" Lord Fonteroy retorted, firing up, "there sho mush more. Shomegfing about too mush honour, overshtuff'd shense of nobiddity...alsho not too old. Not shure I 'gree wiff dat, whateffa. Oh, an' someting 'bout butt. Not really understan'ing dat. I'ma breast man meeself. Not dat you haf breasts. Whish is good 'cause dat be kinda freakish no' to menshion dishtactin' an' I'ma tryin' ta haf a sherious convershasion 'ere."

    It was obvious from his expression that the Tin Man really had no idea how to respond to this. "Look Fonteroy," he began gently.

    "No you look Shir Lurksalot," the lord interrupted, "yooo ca' stand 'round bein' all noble but is no' fair ta th' gurl. She dun care. Wan's oo she wan's an'a you weave 'er hangin'. 'eart all confused or someting like dat. Gurl shays lots."

    "Who?" Cain demanded with sudden foreboding.

    "DG, off course," Fonteroy replied, "wha' 'ou fink I drink wif Ashadeeya? Too scawee, no' 'app'nin'."

    "Where is she?" the Tin Man cut in.

    "Ashadeeya? No ideel, try an' avoid 'er."

    "Not Azkadellia, DG..." Cain attempted to clarify.

    "Oh DG," Fonteroy interrupted, "gurl's a mesh she is. Shobbing o'er da ale when she's no' danshing on da table. Shpilled da whishkey she did. 'ave yoo effa had Uddershide whishkey? Li' notting you effa..."

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  • Doubling as a Moment of Awesome, the second duel. Lord Fonteroy, Too Stupid To Live personified of unknown skill, vs. Lord Fastidium, Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness personified who has been in a duel before. The winner? Lord Fonteroy

  • The first duel was hilarious too. Gulch, who never swung a sword in his life, against Lord Fastidium. Not only does the cop have no idea of why he is actually in the duel, but he wins by using his secondary weapon, a can of mace. Lord Fastidium said that a mace could be a choice... But he meant the medieval weapon instead of the spray.

  • Any and all of Gulch's nicknames for Wyatt Cain. Especially:
    • Wyatt the-world-will-do-what-I-say-or-I-will-shoot-it Cain
    • Wyatt too-honourable-for-his-own-good Cain
    • Wyatt all-of-life's-answers-are-found-in-the-barrel-of-a-gun Cain
    • Wyatt Interrupting-Is-An-Offense-Punishable-By-Death Cain

  • Gulch and Fonteroy's habit of nicknaming led to one hilarious result: The Nicknaming War.

  • The Glitch and Ambrose chapters of "A Day in the Life of an Azkadillian Bodyguard." A large percentage of both chapters deals with the difficulties of dealing with the other personality and their particular traits (Glitch's inability to focus and glitching, Ambrose's less than ideal ability to be a "people person" and his continued phobia of Az).
    • This eventually leads to Ambrose thinking that having Gulch spend less time around Azkadillia would be beneficial and prevent further incidents where the cop accidentally makes her miserable. Glitch essentially thinks his other half is an idiot.

Example of: