Rika: Welcome back!
Previously, LINO and Lita defeat phantom!Ganon, and Volvagia takes his place as the new general. Also, an obligatory "generals bickering amongst themselves" between Volvagia and Morpha. That's about it.
So let's continue on with...
(Rika looks at the title...)
Chapter 11: Love Sucks!
(...and facepalms)
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Yeah, I suppose I should mention another part of Mykan. You know how some of his more well-known couples are Terra/Beast Boy and Davis/Kari? Back when he had the "Why Mykan Hates My Little Pony" video, he lists Link/Zelda as a couple he supports...but doesn't get a happy ending. Why? Because it's taking too long to be admitted as an official couple. And that they need to get it on already.
(Rika shudders over how much wrong the last sentence was)
Sorry.
Considering how his other romantic (if you can call it that) fanfics ended in tragedy, if not completedly bland—and this is for his non-tragedy stories—we can only guess how this is going to be like.
The filler chapter that miiiiiiiight have some importance later begins with LINO thinking of the days he spent with Zelda ten thousand years ago. And he's glum about it. He has flashbacks of the time he spent with her as kids, and how Zelda's dad is welcome to the idea of LINO marrying his daughter one day, how they planned to get married after Ganon's defeated...and how the whole "world destruction" thing happened.
- "Zelda, his one true love… she was gone, and Link was left homeless and lonely. Unlucky in love… and unlucky an Armageddon."
That last part of the last sentence doesn't make any sense. Just how would LINO be an Armageddon? An armageddon is completely different, dude.
...
Unless if Mykan's trying to foreshadow the last part of his fanfic. I'll get to that when it's time.
Now, LINO is just conflicted and being emo-y. Why? Even in the current timeline, no one would recognize him, let alone love him the way Zelda did. And even though he wants to move on, his head and heart can't really allow him to do that.
(Rika sighs)
Such is a "curse" for the last of whatever the hell kind of planet this Link came from.
The next day, in Biology, the teacher called in sick, causing Serena to wonder if class will be canceled. Oh, and guys, take a close look at Melvin (I presume it's the guy with spiraly glasses). He'll be important (kind of) next chapter. As he speechifies how awesome biology is, enter the principal, who delivers news that there's a substitute teacher for today.
Turns out that it's none other than LINO himself.
(Rika headdesks)
Okay, what?! How in the hell did he manage to get, like, a teaching degree? Did he go to the same school Tommy Oliver also presumably fucking went where he became a racecar driver and got his degree in paleotology?
Anyway...LINO is there because he decided to try new approaches, and Serena's lacking—er, I mean "becoming very lack" in her grades. Yeah, approaches to what? Letting them know there's danger? And besides, dude, weren't you supposed to do some damn research on the four other temples?
Oh, and LINO? Yeah, he also found the time to write huge-ass textbooks. Also also, I have a question for anyone who took biology, was the whole "science of sound" thing ever taught?
At the teacher's lounge, the teachers themselves talk about how WTFOMGFUCKAWESOME LINO is. Oh, and it gets better, when he notices them talking about him...
- LINO: "Humph… the nerve of those ladies. Going about thinking I'm just a prize catch to be won. I've seen well behaved ladies who are six years-old."
(Rika's jaw drops)
What a dick!
Oh, and as he is more focused about him being an one-woman dude, he bumps into Ms. Haruna. But of course he does! Gotta break out the romatic cliches somehow! They apologize and fix things, and even she is smitten with him. Okay, just what do they specifically see in this guy, anyway?
At Cherry Hill Temple...the girls are in their bathing suits because of the heat. (Rika lets out a sigh) After countless complaining from Serena about the homework, Lita is quiet because she noticed how...odd Ms. Haruna's acting. Because since she had a shitload of failed dates, LINO will be her next target.
Also, Ms. Haruna's not the only one acting oddly. LINO is, too. And so, the girls run out to figure out why.
In the Temple of Time, LINO watches images of his past life as the girls enter. They discuss on what they see, and that the little boy was him. Which prompts Serena to say this.
- Serena: "That's you. No way, that kid's at least half your size."
I'd presume she said it when she's shocked. Like, "damn, you looked like this as a kid?" Unfortunately, it isn't like that, as LINO gets irritated by her statements. He then goes on to explain how the girl's Zelda, and they see a picture of the couple when they're older.
After seeing the pictures of the entire love thing going down, this causes everyone to break down and cry. And then he tells the group about what happened between him and Ms. Haruna.
To summarize that piece of bullshit, Ms. Haruna asks LINO some questions about the love life, and then she asks if he'll go out with her. Answer: no. But then she guilt-trips him by saying how friggin' ugly she is and...oy. Somehow, this lady and the teacher in Puella Magi Madoka Magica would get along just well.
(Seriously, have to ask, what is up with teachers and failed dates in a couple of the most well-known anime?)
LINO decides to agree to the date, making Ms. Haruna happy, but he's really regretting it. Mainly because he's afraid of her asking him to marry her. But he's just hoping among hope on what will happen on Saturday.
And we get a scene where Ms. Haruna's trying to find what to wear. Oh, and the worker? He's Volvagia. Evidenced by...God, really, dude? You had the gall to use "Volcan" again. Just fucking what?
Oh, and another "who is really Volvagia in disguise" thing.
- Take a shot every time you see "who is really Volvagia in disguise".
Seriously, why not just do it like Volvagia!Volcan? Or, hell, better yet, Vol!shopping clerk, or Vol!softball coach? (Then again, it probably wouldn't help with the whole "beaten over the heads with his true identity" thing.)
So after finding a blue dress and putting the fire symbol on it, we get scenes of Ms. Haruna's energy giving off and being sent towards the villains' way. As expected, it makes her act very strange. It also makes me wonder why the heroes haven't picked up this part and figure out which villain is causing this to happen.
When the date happens, LINO's spruced up, and Darien and Amy would watch over what will happen. What happens is that Ms. Haruna is just acting completely batshit to the point where a certain Magical Girl obsessed with protecting Madoka would just tell her to chill the fuck out.
How batshit are we talking about? When LINO finally fesses up and tells her how much she sucks (and dude, you're one to talk about "I don't like your attitude" when your attitude's just flat-out horrible), Ms. Haruna actually holds a knife near LINO's back. Um...uh...
And when the energy hits its peak, enter the Monster of the Chapter, Lizalfo. This causes LINO to turn into his true form. And Lizalfo rips off a line from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie with his own reaction.
Oy.
LINO uses the sword to parry every single blow Lizalfo strikes at him until a rose attacks him. It's Darien and Amy, and the latter tells LINO to strike at the shiny scales. Which he does.
...you know, I just wonder why the Scouts and Darien are even there when LINO's just curbstomping the monsters all by himself. Just...
After a scene where Ganon isn't too happy about the proceedings...oh, wait.
- Ganon: "That may be so, but look at how much power these human emotions can admit."
THIS FANFIC'S GANON IS KYUBEY! YEARS BEFORE THE ACTUAL ANIME! THIS FANFIC'S GANON IS KYUBEY!! What's next, making wishes come true in exchange for their souls?
Morpha still berates until Ganon stops him, and so the chapter ends with Ms. Haruna needing to rest after what happened. And was advised to take it easy on the dating for a while. Oh, and the reason why LINO doesn't think the whole pairing of him and Ms. Haruna's right? Because she's seven years older than him.
WHAT?!
Anyway...um...damn, this is an awkward way to end the chapter. What's next?
Chapter 12: Melvin the Super Stud
By the way, fun factoid before we officially jump into the next chapter. Melvin, whose original Japanese name is Gurio Umino, is said to be a lovely little bishonen without his glasses, according to Naoko Takeuchi. Keep that in mind as we traverse through this.
We open with a scene where Volvagia is trying to find his next victim to implant two Monsters of the Chapter in. And after more bickering from him and Morpha, he eventually finds his victim. Hint: it's revealed in the actual chapter title itself.
In art class, everyone draws themselves as what they want to be. After a bit where Serena denies that the picture looks like her as a Super Sailor Scout, we get what Melvin's picture looks like.
- "He was taller, buff, didn't wear his glasses, shiny teeth, had a really smooth voice too."
I'm sure that if he takes off his glasses, he would be proven to be rather pretty. (looks at her earlier comment) And wouldn't the others be true even then? Like if he already has a smooth voice and shiny teeth?
- "He was even better at sports too; In other words he drew himself as a total hot-coolie kind of guy."
What the fuck does "hot-coolie" even mean? Of all the friggin' words he uses, this baffles me immensely the most.
Anyway...Serena and Molly become huge bitches (...really, dude?), to the point where the latter's comment about being, and I quote, "coolest uncool guy" made Melvin snap. The two girls are given detention.
God, this fanfic.
(later...)
(Michael, Dan, and Xander enter a living room. Noticeably, Tori and Hikaru aren't there...)
Dan: So where, exactly, are they? I mean, I know that Tori was with Mako and Minako, but...
Xander: I dunno, man. But I know they told us to meet here.
(then enter Tori, her hair now dyed brunette and clad in navy clothing, and Hikaru...crossdressing. Xander is smitten with the latter)
Hey, I'm Xander. Mind telling me who you are?
Hikaru: Xander...it's me. Hikaru.
(then Xander becomes shocked)
Xander: Wha?
(and then, enter Mao and Atsushi)
Mao: Good. Everyone's here. Okay, Michael, Xander, Dan...we discussed this with the others, and we've decided to have Hikaru crossdress. You guys would need to turn into women, as we've discussed before. And we know how.
(she nods to Atsushi)
Atsushi: Let's just say that it took a lot of time to develop all these Moon Sticks. With the help of the other Scouts and Rangers, these will turn you into the Sailor Scouts, with powers linked to your abilities.
Shall we get started?
(the three nod, and Atsushi takes out a Disguise Pen)
Disguise Pen, turn these three into women!
(and then the transformation occurs. Dan becomes Daniella, and she looks just as close to her true male form than the others. Michael becomes Michelle, and she has silver hair that falls down to the middle of the back, a gentle face, and a heavyset and muscular body—in other words, almost a complete copy of her own mother, Catherine. Xander becomes Xandra, and she's a knockout—flowing hair that falls down to her knees and a, ah...more "talented" body. They all look at themselves, then one another)
Michelle: I'm used to—(looks at Xandra) Oh, what?
Daniella: I know this will take a lot of time to get used to this. But for now, I'm okay with this...
Even though it's a bit awkward, still.
Xandra: Oh, my God! Does it mean that my "Plan Xander" will finally—
Everyone Else: No.
(Xandra blinks, and then, Jason and Sean arrive...the latter looking and nodding approvingly to the transformed trio)
Sean: Looking good.
Daniella: Uh...(blushes) Don't get used to it, man.
Michelle: So now that we're transformed, what's next?
Sean: Going out and scout the area. If you need any help, talk to us with the morphers. They'll still serve as communication during this time.
Under no circumstances, however, will you use them to transform into Rangers for the time being. Only if, or when, your cover's blown...then you can use them.
Xandra: Wait, you said "when". That doesn't give us much hope.
Sean: I wouldn't be surprised if Mykan became so damn savvy, he would know what would be up. But I want for you guys to gather information. And should they fight, fight back.
The mission's two-fold, for the more information we get, the stronger and more prepared we'll be to face Mykan when the time's right. And the more we weaken Mykan's forces...he wouldn't have an army to fight against.
But be careful. I can't stress this enough.
Michelle: Understandable. (nods)
Tori: Gotcha.
Daniella: Oh, I know it's gonna be tough. But we've made it through tougher scrapes.
(Sean and Mao nod, knowing exactly what Daniella means by that)
Mao: That we have. So I'm not too worried! We're confident that you guys can succeed.
So. Good luck.
Sean: And don't forget, may the power protect you always.
(the new Scouts nod, and they head off after obtaining their Moon Sticks and other transformation devices)
(and then Mao turns to Sean)
Mao: You've been rather smitten with several women lately. Is there something we don't know about, hmm? You trying to be like Xander?
Sean: Several? Well, Ami's pretty cute...(clears throat) And I didn't even expect Xander to be very beautiful.
Mao: Well, don't fall in love so quickly. We have a mission to do, you know that. (gives her sly smile)
Jason: Yeah! Now we just need to pair you guys up with the Scouts themselves as bodyguards!
Sean: Yeah, that's right...let's go, guys.
Atsushi: I think I'll return the Disguise Pen to Makoto. I'm pretty amazed over how much magic that had!
(and the group heads off)
Rika: So...(she drinks) After that bullshit, Melvin's alone in the park, and Mykan himself paints a picture of sorrow because he just feels so alone. For everyone rejects him if he does anything nice. Granted, I can understand that more than what he had for Beast Boy or Davis, but then we get this.
- "Melvin felt just like Link in away. One of a Kind!"
Riiiiiiiight.
We get some stuff about how much alone Melvin is (answer: kinda-sorta forever alone), until he trips. A man—take a wild guess who he really is, because I don't want to beat you guys over the head on who he is—helps him up and compliments him on his work. And as he cleans up, he plants the little symbol on Melvin's glasses. After that, they head off their separate ways.
The next day...oh, boy. Long story short, Melvin becomes exactly like the drawing of him would be. To the point where he doesn't need his glasses anymore. He heads off, ready to show everyone the new and improved (well...) him.
And we get scenes of how super-suave the new Melvin is, from Ms. Haruna blushing over his new appearance to, and I'm not shitting you, that scene in girls' Physical Education where he spikes the volleyball to the point where it's on fire and it burns an opponent's hand—wait, what?
Later, the group discusses just how weird Melvin's acting, and after the obligatory bickering from Raye and Serena, they decide to track him and see what's going on. My question is, during the discussion, why is it that they didn't mention it earlier when Sammy and Ms. Haruna were affected? I just don't get it.
Then again, it feels like I'm nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking, so let's end this chapter quick.
The next day, they saw that Melvin went to the library to pick up comic books, the arcade, and the like, until he hits the Youth Center. Where he lifts a shitload of weights and does insane amounts of exercise. But before that, Raye discovers who this Vega really is. Even though the audience knows it a few freaking chapters ago.
When the group's gathered, Volvagia realizes the jig's up. He turns himself into a comet and heads off, and the group transforms into their respective fighting forms. And after that, this happens.
- "The comet swirled around, and around in midair, and then "POOF!" I changed into a Red Serpent-like dragon, with two short arms, horns on his head, and his long mane of hair was actually made of real Fire."
...really? A brief change in perspective? Oy.
The group engages in a brief fight until Volvagia realizes that Melvin's energy's at its peak. And it's time for the Monsters of the Chapter, the Twin Tektites, to come out. As they do and after Volvagia disappears, the two monsters just give the group a merciless beating until LINO and Serena are left.
...and then the twins bicker over who gets to kill LINO.
- Blue Tektite: "Hey, wait a minute. Who says you get to destroy the Hero?"Red Tektite: "Hey, I just want to do it. You got a problem with that?!"Blue Tektite: "But we're twins, We do things together!"Red Tektite: "Says you, Red-Rouge!"Blue Tektite: "Bite me, Blue-Brat!"
And it looks like they insulted themselves. What the hell? Oh, and as it turns out, their weakness is not cooperating. Yeah...so Serena uses her Shadow Force Zooming Strike to weaken the two, and LINO—as always—saves the day with the Master Sword's slash.
Can someone strike the final blow other than fucking LINO?
After the enemies are destroyed, LINO plays Zelda's Lullaby to heal everyone, including Melvin, who's also turned back into his old self. Volvagia is pissed that the Twins are defeated, and so it's time to take it to the next level. Despite the fact that he was able to steal more energy.
I got nothing.
After a scene where Melvin's totally cool with being his normal self, we cut back to the Cherry Hill Temple. Where even Link finds the heat unbearable. The problem for Raye is, her grandfather sent Chad to get a bucket of water. But he hasn't returned...until a few minutes later. Where even the bucket is dried up. Why? The well has no water.
Near the well, the group finds that not only is Chad right about not having the water in the well, but the heat's more intense than back at the temple itself. Yeah. Until Raye sees a hot light. And LINO knows exactly what it is.
The Fire Temple was near the Cherry Hill Temple the entire fucking time.
WHAT A TWEEEEEEST!
And so, the chapter ends with Raye realizing that she and LINO must head over there alone. And the time will need to be now. Lita assures her that it's the only way to cool the place down, as does Amy, who adds that they would be closer to obtain all six medallions. Raye decides to go with LINO, and so they head off.
...have to admit, these two filler chapters do give me a lot more to talk about than groan over how boring they are. But I'm not holding out much hope.
Will Rika survive through the next chapters? How will the new Sailor Scouts fare in their mission? And what kinds of WTFery will they all find next?
The light of the moon is the message of love. So find out next time on the next Rika Liveblogs Vs. Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda!
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