Like meeting an old friend again. That you hate.
So it's been a few days since I updated this; sorry about that, I was binging BoJack Horseman on Netflix. It's surprisingly somber.
But anyway, if you recall, a long time ago we read Rose Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. The author of the fic, one Keiran Halcyon, got the idea to redo the Harry Potter series, but with a genderswapped protagonist. However, there were a few things about the story that made it stand out.
1. The author literally copied swaths of the book word-for-word.
2. The author attempted to "improve" upon the book by making the protagonist more "intelligent" and the story more "mature." This resulted in a number of hilariously inept storytelling decisions (draining suspense and mystery by having the protagonist "solve" everything ahead of time) and some rather bizarre scenes (Victoria's Secret in Diagon Alley, those shower scenes). There was also a dearth of humor as the author felt the need to explain jokes.
3. The protagonist was an utter sue.
Now, there are more installments in the series. Now, we're going to look at Rose Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Now, if you recall the end of the previous fic, Rose goes off to train with the druids in Ardgartan, I mean Ardgarten. You'll recall that all this druid stuff is happening because the protagonist liked to prance around the dorm room naked and felt that joining this druid religion would help to legitimize it.
But I digress. On we go. The first chapter is titled "The Magical Glen."
I sighed as I woke up to regard my home away from home, so to speak, in the druidic forest of Ardgarten. I regarded the magical glen around me and with a thought checked the magical perimeter; it was unchanged and showed no one had attempted to pass through it.
The author used a semicolon correctly! Let's give him a big hand! (Also, checking the perimeter magically?)
I stood and stretched luxuriantly and yawned. I was in my third day of seclusion after my teacher, the druidess Cerelian had spent more than a month training me. And it definitely showed, my skinny frame was completely gone, to be replaced with a trim toned body, I stood now at five foot four inches. My skin had a brown tan and my mane of long black hair fell into the small of my back, I had lengthened it using my continually growing Metamorphmagus (a wizard or witch who could change their appearance at will) talents.
Yes. If you will recall, she found out via dicking around in the Restricted Section that she was a metamorphmagus. Or rather, a Spina Metamorph. Because that's a thing apparently.
I had even restored my pubic hair between my legs to mirror those of Cerelian.
Thank you, Rose, for that completely necessary information.
I had brilliant green eyes and on my forehead was a thin- lighting shaped scar.
Thin-lightning shaped. Not thin, lightning-shaped.
So we will note that the first chapter of this fic is not plagiarized from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The opening chapter of that, "The Worst Birthday,'' was fairly low-key but with a touch of humor. I recall a bit where Harry threatens Dudley with magic to scare him (playing off of the end of the first book). In fact, the whole thing at the start of the second book with the Dursleys is gone, obviously, removing the humor. Instead, we get...
I gathered some wild fruits and nuts and put together a breakfast.
The author's attempts at original prose.
I, Rose Potter, was a witch who was training to be a druidess – a witch also fresh from my first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I missed Hogwarts so much though it was like having a constant stomach ache. I missed the castle, with its secret passageways and ghosts, my lessons, the post arriving by owl, eating banquets in the Great Hall, visiting the gamekeeper, Hagrid, in his cabin in the grounds nest to the Forbidden Forest and, especially, Quidditch, the most popular sport in the wizarding world. I most especially missed Minnie, or Professor
Mc Gonagall, my adoptive mother.
I was unusual though, even for a witch. At the age of one, I had somehow survived a curse from the greatest dark sorcerer of all time, Lord Voldemort, whose name most wizards and witches feared to speak. My real parent’s had died in Voldemort’s attack, but I had escaped with my lightening scar, and somehow – nobody understood why – Voldemort’s powers had been destroyed the instant he failed to kill me.
Boy do I love exposition.
I have Chamber of Secrets with me right now. It opens with an argument at the Dursleys. We don't waste time with these boring infodumps - we get right to character interaction. While the narration does go to exposition, we're at least engaged because of the funny conversation, and the language is more fun than this long-winded stuff.
So I had been brought up by my dead mother’s sister and her husband. I had spent ten years with the Dursleys, never understanding why I kept making odd things happening around or why I had abilities that others did not. Strange abilities which were honed by my Sensei, a kind teacher who taught me to protect myself from the abusive Dursleys.
And which she then used to abuse the Dursleys right back.
And then exactly a year ago, Hogwarts had written to me, and the whole story had come out. I had taken up my place at witch school, where me and my scar was famous...but now the school year was over, and I was not back with Minnie, who had adopted me during the year after evidence of the abusive treatment by the Dursley’s was found, but had decided instead to follow in her footsteps and become a druidess.
Yes, as mentioned last time, Rose and
McGonagall do not have a very family-like relationship. Also the author doesn't know how to use apostrophes.
Guhh. I'm just gonna copypaste this because it's too boring to recap or snark.
And then exactly a year ago, Hogwarts had written to me, and the whole story had come out. I had taken up my place at witch school, where me and my scar was famous...but now the school year was over, and I was not back with Minnie, who had adopted me during the year after evidence of the abusive treatment by the Dursley’s was found, but had decided instead to follow in her footsteps and become a druidess.
I had turned twelve over a week ago. And for some odd reason, I hadn’t received a single gift or letter from my friends, Ron, Hermione or Neville. My owl, Hedwig, occasionally visited me in the Magical Glen, but there were no letters or presents arriving, not even from Minnie. Despite the fact that I had Cerelian for company, she was my teacher, and as such we did not have friendly discussions, I was there to learn and that’s it.
Because teachers irl
never establish rapport with their students or anything.
The long silence from Ron, Hermione and Neville made me feel so cut off from the rest of magical world.
My year at Hogwarts had not been all fun and games though. At the very end of last term, I had come face to face with Lord Voldemort himself. Voldemort might be a ruin of his former self, but he was still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. I had slipped through Voldemort’s clutches for a second time, but it had been a narrow escape, and even now weeks later, I had to double the time I spent in meditation to keep my mind free from nightmares of that night.
Boring.
Now we get to the part where she talks about the woods.
I finished my breakfast and walked out of the Glen, my eyes darting around for any sign of danger.
What danger?
A quick ten minute walk and I was staring a beautiful and very magical sight. A waterfall of about twenty feet in height cascaded down into a lovely clear pool and ran off into a river through the Ardgarten Forest. It was my favourite part of the day. I ran forward, my bare feet padding on the ground and dove head first into the cool water. The shock of the water always served to wake me fully from sleep and helped me focus. I pulled a few strokes underwater, glancing at the underwater plants and even the occasional fish before allowing myself to be pulled up to the surface.
I broke the surface and gave a huge gasp of fresh air. I shook my head forward and back once and the momentum caused the water leave my hair in a huge spray and I combed it back with my hands. I then started to wade luxuriously through the water. I used the waterfall pool for two things swimming practice and washing, which I always did in the morning.
Afterwards, I climbed out of the natural pool and wrung my long hair free of water and with a thought shortened it to be just about reaching the end of my neck. I lay down on a patch of soft grass, with my arms forming a cushion for my neck and I basked in a large spot of sunshine that broke through the tree canopy.
I'm going to take a brief break from this to remind you of what was in chapter one of the actual fucking book.
Dudley hitched up his trousers, which were slipping down his fat bottom.
"Why're you staring at the hedge?" he said suspiciously.
"I'm trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire," said Harry.
Dudley stumbled backward at once, a look of panic on his fat face.
"You c-can't - Dad told you you're not to do m-magic - he said he'll chuck you out of the house - and you haven't got anywhere else to go - you haven't got any friends to take you - "
"Jiggery pokery!" said Harry in a fierce voice. "''Hocus pocus - squiggly wiggly - "
"MUUUUUUM!" howled Dudley, tripping over his feet as he dashed back toward the house. "MUUUUM! He's doing you know what!"
That was fun. Back to shit.
I stayed this way for fifteen minutes and then turned around to expose my back as well. As soon as I was dry I stood and lengthened my hair to their previous state. At this point I did some long distance running. It had taken me a while, but I had learned to flit through the forest like a ghost, so silent was my footfalls.
So silent
were my footfalls.
I stopped to get my bearings of where I was and satisfied, started to do some exercises, push ups, sit ups, pull ups on the nearest handy branch, and so forth. I continued walking and running for most of the morning, feeling myself get lost in the melody of nature around me.
I stopped again and changed my direction to head back to the Glen. Where I would start to practice the druidic magic I had managed to learn in the five weeks Cerelian had taught me. I stopped the instant I saw the magical barrier around the Glen in my mind. Something had penetrated it and was inside. I flexed my hand, my mind flitting through what druidic combat spells I could use and what normal curses I could use.
I crossed into the Glen. Somebody was chewing on the wild fruit I had collected.
I like how she instantly assumes she might need to use a combat spell or a curse immediately.
Now, this first chapter was a big load of nothing and not particularly grand for a 100th entry. So let's do the next chapter. "Dobby's Warning."
I managed not to go in curses blazing, but it was a close thing.
Great job on the restraint, psycho.
The little creature in my Glen, eating the wild fruit, had large, bat-like ears and bulging green eyes the size of tennis balls. I knew instantly that this was what had been watching me out of the trees a few weeks ago.
Oh, that thing you saw a few weeks ago but didn't mention.
As we stared at each other the creature dropped the fruit and ran over to me and bowed so low that the end of its long thin nose touched the grass. I noticed that it was wearing what looked like an old pillowcase, with rips for arm and leg holes.
“Hello,” I said nervously.
“Rose Potter!” said the creature, in a high-pitched voice I was sure could carry far into the silent forest. “So long has Dobby wanted to meet you, miss...Such an honour it is...”
“Thank you,” I said, at that moment with a hoot, Hedwig arrived and settled herself gently on my shoulder, and I absently stroked her. I wanted to ask ‘What are you?’ but thought it would sound too rude, so instead, “Who are you?”
“Dobby, miss. Just Dobby. Dobby the house-elf,” said the creature.
“Oh – really?” I said. “I don’t want to be rude or anything, but what are you doing here? Not that I’m not pleased to meet you,” I said quickly.
Ah, now we get to the good old book copying. Of course, rather than just note where shit is cribbed from the book, we can note the differences.
You see, the scene in the book has Harry a little more confused, and his dialogue reflects this.
"Er - hello," said Harry nervously.
"Th-thank you,"
"Er - I don't want to be rude or anything but - this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom."
Dialogue that reflects someone who's surprised and finding this massively inconvenienced. However, things like stammering reflect poorly on someone, as far as this author's concerned, so he did away with that. Now Rose talks perfectly and properly at all times. It really helps you get the impression that this is an actual person you can empathize with, y'know?
The scene was also more engaging because there was some tension. The Dursleys had a meeting downstairs with someone Vernon wanted a good business relationship with, so the scene is punctuated with Harry hearing things from downstairs.
“Oh, yes, miss,” said Dobby earnestly. “Dobby has come to tell you, miss...it is difficult, miss...Dobby wonders where to begin...”
I walked over to the middle of the Glen, and sat in a lotus position.
Fuck your lotus position.
“Please, sit down,” I said politely. To my confusion, the elf burst into tears.
Contrast with the book.
To his horror, the elf burst into tears - very noisy tears.
More colorful writing in the book, you see.
You see, by removing the stuff with the Dursleys, the author has removed conflict. This makes the scene less interesting.
“
Sit down!” he wailed. “
Never...never ever...”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.”
“Offend Dobby!” chocked the elf. “Dobby has never been asked to sit down by a witch – like an equal...”
“You can’t have met many decent witches then, besides, I am mostly a druidess as well and I respect all beings and creatures,” I said trying to cheer the elf up.
Guuh. Just look at that self-aggrandizement. Also, at no point does that whole "I respect all beings and creatures" thing actually come up in the story. It is an attribute we are never shown through her actions.
Dobby shook his head. Then without warning he started to bash his head against the ground, shouting bad names about himself.
Once again, we see how the change in prose (mainly the addition of the self-aggrandizing) has resulted in shit. In the book, Harry says "You can't have met many decent wizards," and Dobby shaking his head is clearly in response to that. Here, however, the sequence of events reduces the clarity.
“Dobby what are you doing?” I said astonished and then waved my hand slightly; the earth was magically softened as he was bashing his head against it. I reached over to pull him up.
Note, again, that the author has his character "fix" things with powers pulled out of the ass.
“Dobby had to punish himself, miss,” said the elf, who had gone slightly cross-eyed. “Dobby almost spoke ill of his family, miss...”
“Your family?”
“The wizard family Dobby serves, miss...Dobby is a house-elf – bound to serve one house and one family for ever...”
“Do they know you’re here?” I asked curiously. Dobby shuddered.
“Oh no, miss, no...Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, miss. Dobby will have to shut his ears in the oven door for this. If they ever knew, miss...”
“But won’t they notice if you shut your ears in the oven door?” I asked astonished.
Astonished doesn't know. You can avoid using a comma when you use an adverb (though many would suggest against heavy use of adverbs), but not for adjectives.
Also, Dobby's response is not spaced correctly, so it looks like it's Rose talking again.
Blah blah blah, more copypasted crap, little changed except to remove any semblance of color or tension.
“Druidess Rose Potter asked if she can help Dobby...Dobby has heard of your greatness, miss, but of your goodness, Dobby never knew...”
I was distinctly feeling hot in the face as this was said.
“Whatever you’ve heard about my greatness is a load of rubbish. I share top of my year with Hermione, she...” But I stopped quickly, because thinking of Hermione was painful.
Because when I want to tell people I'm not all that great, I tell them I just
share the top of my class with someone.
“Druidess Rose Potter is humble and modest,” said Dobby reverently, his orb-like eyes aglow. “Druidess Rose Potter speaks not of her triumph over He-Who-Must-Not- Be-Named.”
“Voldemort,” I corrected automatically.
Harry asked it as a question, asking for clarification because the obvious doesn't always occur to him for some reason (mainly to establish this bit of background to the audience for the second book, I guess). Rose "corrects." Because she's a bitch.
The author at numerous points does not break paragraphs up. If it's not a speaker change, the author doesn't bother and lets the paragraph continue. Clearly having a new paragraph when the active subject of said paragraph changes was a dumb mistake that got by the publisher when they put out Rowling's book.
Blah blah blah, must not go back to Hogwarts.
What?” I asked frowning. “But I’ve got to go back – term starts on September the first. My adoptive mother works there. I belong in this world, just as surely as you do.”
Again, the author removes Harry's stammering. Note, too, that without the Dursleys, the protagonist's personal stakes are removed. Hogwarts was important to Harry because it was the first place it felt like home, like he belonged. Compare the above paragraph with this:
"W-what?" Harry stammered. "But I've got to go back - term starts on September first. It's all that's keeping me going. You don't know what it's like here. I don't belong here. I belong in your world - at Hogwarts."
One of them has a higher sense of urgency and personal stake than the other, and is therefore more compelling.
Blah blah blah, copypaste copypaste copypaste with nothing different apart from Rose making the earth soft when he tries to hit his head. I guess there are no trees or rocks.
“Dobby wonders,” said the elf, “why does Rose Potter not wear clothes?” I blinked at the change of subject.
Oh.
“A Druidess does not wear clothes, it is our belief, clothes stops us from being one with nature,” I answered.
I also like a nice breeze 'round me privates.
So Dobby lets slip he's been stealing her letters.
“Have you been stopping my letters?” I asked angrily, clenching my teeth.
The "I asked angrily, clenching my teeth" part is the fanfic author's addition, as it is quite redundant.
“Rose Potter mustn’t be angry...Dobby hoped...if Rose Potter thought her friends had forgotten her...Rose Potter might not want to go back to school, miss...”
“Give me my letters,” I said in a low, dangerous voice.
“Rose Potter will have them; miss, if she gives Dobby her word that she will not return to Hogwarts. Ah miss, this is a danger you must not face! Say you won’t go back, miss!”
“I’m sorry Dobby, but I cannot do that,” I said, and snapped my fingers. Out of the earth a snake-like plant vine erupted and whipped the wad of letters out of Dobby’s hand. The letters fell in front of me and I snatched it up instantly. Dobby rushed forward, but I asked the vine to wrap around the leg of the elf and Dobby tripped and fell on his face. The vine now wrapped around Dobby’s leg tighter keeping him in place.
Harry just made a grab for the letters. Rose threatens him.
“You forget, Dobby, that if there is danger at Hogwarts, which is incidentally my home, and where all the people that I love, live, and I’ll be damned if I don’t go to defend them!” I shouted angrily.
What a little prima donna.
“Then Rose Potter leaves Dobby no choice,” said the elf sadly. With a familiar crack, like a whip, the elf vanished. I commanded the vine to return to nature’s embrace. I stood and looked at the wad of letters, wanting to read it, but the last statement of Dobby’s was rather ominous. I looked around the borders of the Glen and started when I saw that the elf had appeared just beyond and was waving his hands in complicated little gestures.
I felt that the Glen’s magic was being manipulated, I frowned for a moment trying to puzzle out what the elf was doing, when I gave a gasp of realization. Dobby was altering the magical boundary to not let me out. If that happened I was stuck here until Cerelian arrived, and who’s to say she could let me out. I had no idea how powerful elves were, but if their small size was indication, they had strong magic to counter for being so small.
No meeting between the Dursleys and the Masons means the author needed to have Dobby do something else. It is infinitely less fun than the cake.
I closed my eyes and concentrated. After a moment I opened them again and focused behind the area where the little elf was working. I let myself just be there. The world around me warped and shifted and just as suddenly corrected itself. I was now standing behind the elf. So intent was the elf on his alterations of the Magical Glen that he did not even notice I was behind him. I sat down in lotus calmly and waited.
Fuck your lotus position.
The Magical Glen surged with magic, and suddenly there was a bright yellow dome of light that appeared and just as suddenly vanished. Dobby gave a sigh of relief, but started the instant he saw that I was not in the Glen anymore. I gently cleared my throat. The elf whirled in fright and when he saw I was there, his expression turned to awe and reverence.
Dobby is back, somehow. Even though he'd vanished.
“I know the reason why you tried to imprison me, Dobby, but you are going to lengths which borders on making you my enemy,” I said, my tone clearly conveying that would not be a good idea.
“Oh no,” wailed Dobby, “Dobby does not want great druidess Rose Potter as enemy.”
“Really?” I asked. “Well, only enemies imprison each other Dobby! Prove you are not an enemy by restoring the Glen to what it once was!” The elf looked down chastened, and I ignored the stirring of my heart it brought up. Dobby waved his hands again and the yellow dome appeared to dissolve away into the wind.
What a bitch.
“Dobby is sorry, Rose Potter.”
“I know, and I’ll forgive you, but I won’t forget. Thanks for the warning, I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. Dobby, the best way to deal with a problem is to solve it, not ignore and run away and hide,” I said earnestly. The elf nodded.
“Good, now go back home before your family notices you’ve gone missing.”
The elf nodded and with a crack, disappeared.
This is not where the chapter ends. However, the next scene I want to do something a little special for, so I'm going to leave this entry off here. Also I need to update the computer so I need to close Safari.
Toodles until next time!
Comments
- Now, if you recall the end of the previous fic, Rose goes off to train with the druids in Ardgartan, I mean Ardgarten.
Ah, joining the zealots who had no problem with the fact she was transparently cynical about the whole thing. Good times.- I sighed as I woke up to regard my home away from home, so to speak,
It's an expression, you don't need to further qualify it like that.- I was in my third day of seclusion after my teacher, the druidess Cerelian had spent more than a month training me.
I'll give the points for the semicolon, but need to take them away for missing the comma to close off the parenthetical "the druidess Cerelian."- And it definitely showed, my skinny frame was completely gone, to be replaced with a trim toned body, I stood now at five foot four inches.
And here we see the author attempting the rare double comma splice.- I had taken up my place at witch school, where me and my scar was famous...
You know, this reminds me of how there's probably no worse time to have poorly edited grammar and usage than when you have first person narration from someone who is supposed to be a shitton smarter than the person they are standing in for.- Because teachers irl never establish rapport with their students or anything.
What about when the teacher is part of a creepy cult? Not to say there'd be none, but withholding is an important part of that.- I'm going to take a brief break from this to remind you of what was in chapter one of the actual fucking book.
Was it something other than tedious, pointless BS?- So silent were my footfalls.
Also, in that context "hair" is a singular noun, and "over" would probably be a better fit than "around."- Now, this first chapter was a big load of nothing and not particularly grand for a 100th entry.
Sadly true. The mechanics stood out more than anything else. There's just not a way to make "and then I did nothing . . . and more nothing . . . and thought about nothing important or interesting . . . and continued with nothing . . . and now there's a person who probably doesn't matter" have much impact, unless you're actually a very good writer.- Great job on the restraint, psycho.
This might actually be more trigger-happy than your interpretation of Littlepip.- Oh, that thing you saw a few weeks ago but didn't mention.
And would have justified the "danger" comment, at least a bit.- You see, by removing the stuff with the Dursleys, the author has removed conflict. This makes the scene less interesting.
But what could be more interesting than deciding whether to be a ninja, a witch, or a druid? Unless it's not needing to choose, and being an animagus as well?- Also, at no point does that whole "I respect all beings and creatures" thing actually come up in the story. It is an attribute we are never shown through her actions.
Are you sure it isn't the author using irony to build reader contempt for the character?- I was distinctly feeling hot in the face as this was said.
Knowing this author, that actually went better than it might have.- I also like a nice breeze 'round me privates.
And let me guess, the nice, easy opportunity to contrast the importance of clothing to house-elves with the druidic practice (such as it is) goes completely to waste. Possibly because it would make Rose look like a bitch.- I had no idea how powerful elves were, but if their small size was indication, they had strong magic to counter for being so small.
Oh my god that's stupid.- I let myself just be there. The world around me warped and shifted and just as suddenly corrected itself. I was now standing behind the elf.
Prediction: this will allow her to get around the restrictions on apparating at Hogwarts, because fuck limitations. Also note it's something like four years early for the similar power to be licensed. Damn, is it really that hard to write a reasonably likable outsider protagonist that people will want to project onto, when it was already done for you?