Okay, now I think I can keep going. Nothing can be as bad as that last one... right?
This chapter's "Mad Melee". I get the feeling this is a promise Brian won't be able to keep.
>At a factory in the industrial district of town, Mojo Jojo was hard at work on a notebook overseeing some machinery, while a tall, imposing teenager in armor was supervising.<
You'd think Cree would be more of a hands-on type of boss.
>"Just how long is this going to take, Mojo?" said Cree.
"You cannot rush genius Miss Lincoln," said Mojo.<
“Genius Miss Lincoln works at her own pace.”
>"It took Albert Einstein years to come up with the theory of relativity! It took Opponheimer even longer to invent the atomic bomb! It took the Thomas Edison over ten years and hundreds of failures before he came up with a light bulb that actually worked longer than a few seconds!<
“You don’t want to know how long it took Valve to do Team Fortress 2!”
>I will complete your little project, but I cannot just wave a magic wand! Like I said, I need a good two days!"<
Huh. I was wrong. I thought Brian would just timeskip like before… Guess not.
>"Fine," said Cree. "But when you are done, the final result better deliver!"<
“I’m sick of carryout!”
>Mojo walked up to a huge vat, where a large mixer was stirring some brown, frothy substance. Mojo tasted it.
"Needs more half-and-half," he said, writing something down.
He walked up to second vat, where the mixture inside was white. He tasted it.
"Needs more extract," he said, writing something else down.
He walked to another vat, where the mixture was green and chunky.
He tasted and thought for a minute.
"Okay, this one is good as it is," he said. He wrote it down.<
I really hope nobody has to eat that ice cream after a monkey’s stuck its finger in it.
>"You'd better finish this before you start gaining weight," sighed Cree.<
Ah-hah-hah! Those girls and their worries about their weight, right?
…let’s move on.
SCENE CHANGE to the KND arriving at the Powerpuff Girls’s house:
>"They're here, they're here!" said Bubbles, looking out the window.
"Calm down, Bubbles," said Buttercup, bringing out a cheese board. "They came so we could plan strategy, not have a party!"<
Hey, you’re the one breaking out the cheese.
>"She's right Bubbles," said Blossom, bringing out a chest of soda.<
As opposed to left Bubbles?
>"If Mojo and the Delightful Children could recruit Seduca, the Gangreen Gang, and Princess, who knows who else might threaten us? So the plan now is to swap info on everything that they might throw at us.<
“And if there’s time, hairstyling secrets.”
After a bad line from Numbah Two and Numbah Three wondering if she brought enough cookies, Numbah One reaches the door:
>He eyed the house. "Nice," he said. "Very modern."
He rang the doorbell.
Quickly it opened, and the three Powerpuff Girls appeared.<
Bad phrasing – makes it sound like they came out of the doorbell.
>"Hello!" said Blossom.
"Welcome!" said Buttercup.
"Salutations!" said Bubbles.<
Make your pick: Either the Three Stooges answering the phone or “Wilkommen” from Cabaret.
>Everyone looked at her.
"Uh, come in," said Blossom.<
“Don’t mind her, we’re having her committed.”
>"Nice place," said Numbah Four.
"The Professor had to leave this morning to give a speech at Citysville University..." started Buttercup.
"The Professor?" said Numbah Two, puzzled.
"Our dad," said Bubbles. "Well, kind of. He created us..."
The team drew back in surprise.<
What, didn’t you ever see the intro to their show?
>"... but he'll be back soon and he knows you're here. Once he gets here he can get dinner started. Until then..."
"Created you?" said Numbah Four. "How? Did he put you together like Frankenstein's Monster?"
"Numbah Four!" said Numbah Three, slapping him.<
“Honestly, do YOU see stitch marks?!?”
>The Girls giggled.
"It was kind of an accident," said Blossom. "He wanted to create the perfect little girl, so he thought he had the right formula with Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... but then he dropped some Chemical X into it and POOF, there we were!"
"Chemical X?" said Numbah 2.<
Please donate all you can. We must fight the scourge of Plot-Sensitive Deafness before it spreads any further.
>“What exactly is that?"
"Nobody knows!" said Buttercup.<
“Personally, I suspect black-tar heroin.”
>"People have tried to recreate the experiment, even us, but it's never worked right a second time... And when other creatures are exposed to the stuff, it seems that random effects happen."
There was a long pause.
"I brought cookies!" said Numbah Three.<
Cookies: the cure to awkward plot moments.
>"Why don't we save those for dessert, Numbah Three," said Numbah One. "Anyway Girls, I suppose we all know why we're here..."
"Yes," said Blossom. "Why don't we just have a seat and..."
Suddenly the phone by the end table began to ring. Not the hotline, but the ordinary phone.<
“Goddamn telemarketers.”
>Blossom picked it up. "Hello?" she said.
The Professor's voice came on the other end.<
I just hope it wiped off the receiver.
>"Blossom, thank goodness you girls are home!" he said. "I was about to leave for home when my car was broken into! My cell phone got swiped, and the thugs punctured all four of my tires! I only have one spare!"
"Lovely," said Blossom. "Don't worry Professor, we'll be there to haul it to the repair shop!"
She hung up the phone. She quickly told the others what happened.<
She then resorted to puppets.
>"I'll bet it was college alumni who did it," said Numbah One. "Colleges are abominable places... that's where teenagers learn to become full-fledged adults!"<
If my brief stint in college taught me anything, it’s that “learning to become full-fledged adults” is near the bottom of how kids view colleges.
Also, given that the PPG are the daughters of a professor, isn’t trashing college tantamount to insulting their hosts’s dad?
>"Well, we've got to go help him with his car," said Blossom. "Until then, you all just relax. Don't go into the Professor's laboratory... there's some dangerous stuff down there!"<
“If something tries to break out, the cattle prods are by the DVD player.”
>The three Powerpuff Girls shot out the windows and flew towards the Town of Citysville.
"Well," said Numbah Four, going up to the TV, "let's see what they have on DVD."<
“What the – oh, look at how much porn this guy has!”
>"I swear, Numbah Four," said Numbah One, "if you break anything, YOU are going to explain it to them."<
“And this time you may only swear twice.”
>"KEWL!" said Four.<
Because poor literacy gets really tiresome, really fast.
>"They have the complete Indiana Jones collection in widescreen! I'll just..."
He looked at the DVD player.
"Um, how does this thing work?"<
I’d make a comment about “Don’t you have one at home?”, but then I remembered that in this story, the kids apparently live in the Treehouse.
>Numbah One sighed, when suddenly a buzzer went off.
They all turned around, and saw it was coming from a strange phone with a clown-like face.<
In a panic, they opened fire.
The KND discuss whether or not they should answer the hotline, and Numbah One finally takes the initiative:
>He picked up the hotline. "Hello?" he said.
"Uh, hello," said a high male voice on the other end. "Who is this?"<
Numbah One slammed the phone down. “It’s Michael Jackson! Run!”
>"Depends," said Numbah One. "Who is this?"
"Well, I was kind of looking for the Powerpuff Girls..." said the voice.<
“They haven’t paid their kickback yet this month.”
>They aren't here right now," said One. "Can I take a message?"
"Well, is there any way you can reach them?" said the voice. "There's a situation that's kind of urgent..."
"Oh," said One. "Well, whoever you are..."
"You can call me the Mayor..." said the voice.<
The Mayor’s voice can’t really be described as “high”. It’s too gruff.
>"Mayor?" said Numbah One. "As in of Townsville?"<
“No, as in of Rochester. Of COURSE as in of Townsville, you moron!”
Numbah One gets the details – it’s Fuzzy Lumpkins at work – and the team heads out to deal with it.
SCENE CHANGE to the Mayor’s office:
>In Townsville City hall, five minutes earlier, the Mayor hung up the phone.
"Well, that was... odd," he said.
Ms. Bellum entered.<
“Have you seen where I keep my face?”
>"Mr. Mayor!" she said. "The situation is getting worse! I've never seen Lumpkins like this!"
"Maybe someone swiped the dessert out of his lunch this afternoon," said the Mayor. "I hate it when someone does that..."<
Why do they keep electing this guy again?
>"Yeah, right," said Bellum. "Are the Girls on their way?"
"Uh, they weren't home," said the Mayor. "but some friends of theirs said they'd handle it."
"Friends?" said Ms. Bellum.
"Well, I only heard one," said the Mayor. "Said they owed the Girls a favor... he sounded kind of like a kid with an accent of some sort..."<
I’d make one of my “Metal Gear?” jokes on that one, but this time it’s justifiable. She’s expressing disbelief, not repeating for expository purposes.
And the Mayor becomes the first person to notice the KND’s accents.
>There was a long pause.
"Maybe we should get down there," said Ms. Bellum.
"Okay," said the Mayor. "I told my wife I would pick up a gallon of milk anyway... and I also need some... WHOOP!"
She grabbed his hand and they headed for the limo.<
By the fourth time the Mayor had smacked into a wall, Ms. Bellum realized her error.
SCENE CHANGE to the KND en route to the disturbance:
>"So, the Girls work for the city?" said Numbah Five.
"According to Numbah 209, they aren't on the payroll," said Numbah One. "But she did warn me that they often take requests from adults... on of the main reasons they haven't been offered membership yet by Global Command."
"It's what superheroes are supposed to do," said Numbah Four. "Defend cities, work with the authority... don't you ever watch Batman?"<
I doubt Numbah Four has. Or did you miss how in most continuities, the only cop in the city who accepts Batman’s presence is Gordon?
>"Yeah, well now we're taking requests from adults," said Numbah Five. "And Numbah Five doesn't like it."<
So you’d rather hundreds of people get killed instead of helping out an adult? Way to work that whole “heroism” bit, Numbah Five!
The KND reach the scene of the trouble, where multiple jewelry stores show signs of burglary:
>"Spread out team," said Numbah One. "Whoever did all this is likely still around."<
Team: now in easy-spread form.
SCENE CHANGE:
>Indeed.
In a bank, less than a block away, the uncultured hillbilly known to Townsville as Fuzzy Lumpkins was holding the staff at gunpoint with his blunderbuss. Most of the time, Fuzzy was a guy who just liked to keep to himself, but sometimes he woke up in one of those "moods."
Today was one of those times.<
Most hillbillies would just drink moonshine until they got over it, but nobody ever accused Fuzzy Lumpkins of knowing enough to build a still.
>He leveled his gun at a group of bankers.
"Oh-kay," he said. "Which one of youse is the manager of this here bank?"
One of the men shook his head, but the woman next to him pointed to him.<
Someone is getting a bad performance review next year.
>Fuzzy lifted him up with his paw and dragged him to the vault, which at this point was only blocked by a grating.
"You know hows to open this thing?" said Fuzzy.
"N-no," said the manager.
"Fine," said Fuzzy, tossing him aside. He grabbed the gate with his free hand and ripped it from the wall.<
“Don’t know why I even bothered dragging you ovah here.”
>At that point, the alarm went off.
"Aw, shoot," said Fuzzy. He picked up his large sack<
ERK!
>and started shoving cash into it.<
Oh.
>Numbah One spun around at the sound of the alarm.<
VIEWPOINT WHIPLASH! For once, Brian neglected a scene change marker.
>"Target at seven o'clock!" he said.
"Right, seven o'clock!" said Numbah Four. He looked at his watch.
"Um, what's happening at seven o'clock?"
"The bank, fool!" said Numbah Five.<
“Wait, the bank’s happening at seven? What does that even mean?”
>"Kids Next Door, battle stations!" said Numbah One.
Fuzzy backed out of the bank with his sack crammed to capacity, holding his gun towards it.<
Why he had his gun trained on the money sack is unclear, but nobody ever accused Fuzzy Lumpkins of being the fluffiest tail on the coonskin cap.
>"An' keep reachin for the ceiling till ya reach it!" he said, laughing.
He turned, and saw the five agents leveling their own weapons at him.
"Hey!" he said.<
“You! Get into my car!”
“Who, me?”
“Yes, you! Get into my car!”
>"That will be far enough!" said Numbah One. "Fuzzy Lumpkins, I presume?"<
“Naw, I’m Doc Livingston – who do ya think I am?”
>"Yeah, that's me," said Fuzzy. "Who the sam-hill are you?"
"We're the Kids Next Door, pal," said Numbah Five. "And if there's one thing we hate worse than adults, it's ones that are thieves!"
"And ones that are ugly!" said Four.
"And ones that are smelly!" said Three.
"And ones that are flea-ridden!" said Two.
"HEY!" said Fuzzy. "I may be an ugly, smelly, flea-ridden thief, but I'm not... um... uh... what was that other thing you said?"<
In jail that night, Fuzzy Lumpkins looked up and shouted, “WAIT A MINUTE!”
>The five operatives started to chuckle... then they burst out laughing.
"I can't believe it, Numbah Four!" said Five. "We finally found someone stupider than you!"
There was more laughter.<
And then Numbah Four broke Numbah Five’s nose.
>"I know I should be insulted," said Four, "but this guy cracks me up too much for me to care!"
Fuzzy dropped his bag and pointed with his blunderbuss. "I'll teach ya ta laugh at me!" he shouted.<
“Now, repeat afta me – HAW HAW HAW!”
>"Kids Next Door, scatter!" shouted Numbah One.
The team ran off in five different directions, as a blast from Fuzzy's thunderstick hit the center of where they were standing.<
“Thunderstick? You actually said ‘thunderstick’? That, my friend, is a Winchester .35.”
>"Watch it folks," said One. "Dumb doesn't mean harmless.<
“Numbah Four is living proof!”
>Numbah Three, try to disarm him!"
"Gotcha!" said Three. She lifted up her sweater<
Whoa! What’s this story rated again?
>and pushed a button on her belt. Quickly, an apparatus formed on her back - flexible rods fitted themselves on her arms, and pink butterfly wings sprouted from them, fitting to a rod down her spine. The central rod formed a headband with delicate antennae that crowned her forehead.
She gave a leap and soared into the air, over the enemy. She always loved doing this.<
And then she hit the bug zapper.
After a few paragraphs about how the kids are effectively immune to Fuzzy’s gun because they move faster than he can fire:
>Numbah Three flew to the rooftops and tossed the thunderstick to the top of a building.
The other members of the team raised their weapons.
"Open fire!" said Numbah One.
A flurry of blasts from mustard guns, bubble gum guns, and soda bottle blasters pelted Fuzzy. He started to stagger...<
…and then dusted off. “Ya really think mustard ‘n’ soda will stop me? I only bathe once a year!”
SCENE CHANGE to the Mayor and Ms. Bellum watching the fight. It’s a short blurb that I’ll just pass over.
SCENE CHANGE back to the KND ending their barrage a bit too early:
>The Fuzzy slowly got up...<
“The” Fuzzy? Do they come in variety packs now?
>"Now ah'm..." he gasped. "Now ah'm..."
Suddenly, he swelled to about twice his size! he turned red, and his teeth turned into fierce fangs!
"NOW AH'M MAD!" he howled.<
He stole the height from the H in that third sentence!
>He charged at the team, and leveled five punches.<
I’m just curious – how do you knock down a punch?
The team resumes fire, but Angry Fuzzy is immune to their weaponry:
>"This is getting us nowhere!" said One. "We need a new strategy!"
"On it, chief!" said Numbah Five. "Let's get 'im Numbah Four!"<
When guns don’t work, PUNCH the enemy!
Or rather, it doesn’t. Numbahs Four and Five get their asses kicked:
>"Do the Girls a favor he said," said Numbah Five, throwing a kick to his gut. "They'd better do a big favor for us if we survive this!"<
“I really need my carpets shampooed. I wonder if they know how to work one of those?”
>At that point Fuzzy grabbed hold of her by the shoulders and lifted her up off of her feet.
"Leggo, you walking shag rug!" shouted Five.
Then Fuzzy chomped down on her shin. Numbah Five screamed and then kicked him in the teeth, making him let go.
"Punching and kicking I can handle," said Five, getting up and holding her shin, "but biting? You are one sick... whatever you are!"<
Nice trick, kicking him in the teeth when one leg’s in his mouth.
So their weapons are useless and melee attacks aren’t any better. Numbah Two runs off to find a new weapon, and the other KND members unload at full power to keep Fuzzy busy. It’s not doing much, when…
>"Don't worry guys," said Numbah Two's voice. "Help is on the the way!"
A sound like a motor came to their ears, and they saw that Numbah Two was racing towards them driving a vehicle that looked like a large golf cart with a catapult mounted on the back.
[Kids Next Door S.P.L.A.T.A.P.U.L.T.: Scooter-driven Platform Launches Adhesives Towards Adult Perpetrators Using Logarithmic Targeting]<
So just his voice said that? He’s a ventriloquist now?
And notice that the acronyms get worse by the chapter.
>Numbah Two pulled a lever, and a large item that looked like a pink cannonball rolled into the catapult. He pushed a series of buttons on the monitors in front of him, and a pair of crosshairs centered on Fuzzy's image.
"I'm gonna really stick it to you!" said Numbah Two. "Fire one!"
The S.P.L.A.T.A.P.U.L.T. fired, and the large piece of ammunition honed in on Fuzzy. He turned in surprise, just as the projectile hit him, and exploded with a huge SPLAT! Before everyone knew it, he was covered with pink goo!<
It’s probably supposed to be chewing gum, but I’m still rather happy that the ammo is not identified.
Both the KND and the catapult continue to fire, but Fuzzy is about to get out of the restraints:
>Numbah Two retracted the catapult arm. "Well now that you mention it," he said. "It's time for the S.P.L.A.T.A.P.U.L.T.'s secret weapon!"
He punched a button that said "secret weapon," and this time a black cannonball loaded onto the catapult arm.<
I’m having Megas XLR flashbacks. Normally this would be acceptable, but I don’t want to be reminded about better shows while I’m dealing with this crap.
>As Numbah Two set the crosshairs, he shouted out, "everyone get as far away from him as possible!"
Numbahs One, Three, Four, and Five retreated, , just as Fuzzy broke free. He raised his arms and howled.<
Shouldn’t that comma be further up the fic?
>"Looks like you're going down in a blaze of glory!" said Numbah Two. "FIRE!"
The S.P.L.A.T.A.P.U.L.T. fired, and the large projectile burst into flames as it flew into the air...
"Huh?" said Fuzzy, looking up.
The cannonball hit him, and an explosion ensued at the point of impact! The sky practically lit up.
Everyone who was watching clapped, and when the smoke cleared, Fuzzy was lying unconscious in a smoldering crater.<
Where did he get that much gunpowder?
SCENE CHANGE to after the battle:
>A team of police were called in, and dragged the dazed Fuzzy Lumpkins to an armored police van.
"Okay, it's the pokey fer you, Fuzzy!" said one of them.<
The hick cops are kept on standby just for this sort of thing.
>They slammed the door, and van sped off. At this moment, the Mayor and Ms. Bellum came out of their hiding place and approached the team.
"Wow-whee wow!" said the Mayor. "You kids sure are brave! I haven't seen fighting like that since I was in the service!"<
Don’t you have to be a minimum height to be in the military?
>"Um yes, Mr. Mayor," said Numbah One. This was very strange. He'd never seen an adult who was smaller than he was. Ms. Bellum was certainly more intimidating.<
He never trusted anyone without a visible face.
>"So," said Ms. Bellum. "You kids are friends of the Girls?"
"Long story ma'am," said Numbah One. "But we're afraid we can't disclose any information about our team at this moment. Like we said, the only reason we helped was because we owed the Girls a few favors. Now if you'll excuse us, we have injuries that need taken care of..."
As they turned to leave, Ms. Bellum spoke up.
"Kids Next Door," she said. "Thank you. Townsville owes you a debt."
They all paused. They hardly expected to hear something like that from an adult.
"You're... welcome..." said Numbah One.<
The surprise comes across as a bit forced, given that I think we see just as many good adults as we do bad ones in canon.
And way to be rude to authority, Numbah One. See if they ever accept you in this town again.
The KND leaves, and we SCENE CHANGE back to the PPG home:
>It was fortunate that Numbah Three was the one who was the least injured, mostly because she was the medic. In the Powerpuff Girls home, while they were waiting for the Girls to arrive while watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, she was busy with antiseptic ointment and bandages.
"It should all stop hurting by tomorrow," she said, smiling.<
“It’d go faster if you’d allowed me to perform amputations.”
>"Guys!" said Blossom. "We heard the news on the radio! Are you alright?"
"We've handled worse," said Numbah Four.
"Fuzzy Lumpkins is bad news," said Buttercup. "He's been trouble even for us."<
“You should’ve seen him back in our What A Cartoon days!”
As the kids prepare for their discussion and the Professor starts dinner:
>Outside in the darkness, a pair of big, green eyes opened in the bushes.
"Okay," said a voice. "You can do this. It's high-time you introduced yourself to them. Here goes..."
A figure walked up to the front door. A hand shook as it neared the doorbell.
"NO!" said the figure. It dove into the bushes.
The figure breathed heavily.
"Oh, what's wrong with you Snowball?" said the figure. "Why are you so afraid? They won't reject you... will they? What's not to like?"
The figure turned to the door again. It got up. It started to walk towards it again.
"No..." said the figure. "I can't yet. But I will, you hear me, I will!
"I can't live in the shadows forever. We have to meet eventually..."<
I know where this is going, and let me tell you this. While Lotus is worse in terms of character, Snowball is worse in terms of sensibility. Start putting cushions on your wall now.
SCENE CHANGE x2, first to the KND going home, and then…
>Miles away, the Delightful Children were on their cell phones with an informant.<
Presumably not Chad, so who do they have in Townsville?
>"Why wait for Mojo and Cree to finish their plan when we can weaken them both right now?" the said. "The perfect man for the job could lead them into a trap right in Townsville itself..."
They pushed a number on their speed dial.
"We think it's time that our foes had another appointment!" they said.<
They’ve learned nothing from their near-success before the Lotus fiasco, have they?
Well, at least this one was relatively painless.
