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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

MFM Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 18th 2012 at 9:17:12 PM
Having just started to read a few days ago, I think it's a good sign for your writing that I read through so quickly. On the other hand, I don't have to suffer through the book itself like you. Regardless, I feel that the 200+ comments are entirely warranted.

The main thing I'm wondering about this chapter itself is how any of it fits in a children's book, as the bestsellers list apparently calls it.
Gante Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 18th 2012 at 10:54:52 PM
Once again, I ask: why are these girls always covered in vomit, garbage, spilled food, piss, or other unsavory things? Is Tyra pandering to kids' love of gross-outs, or does she just like degrading her characters?

And obviously she thinks continuity is something you see a specialist for. Which is more fuel for my suspicion that this book was written on a massive cocaine binge.
71.202.90.103 Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 19th 2012 at 6:42:40 AM
I asked my ANTM-crazy sister, and she said that the actual scenes are really abstract and crazy and not all that representative of the book. Which, by the way, I read. Alone. Without moral support... I had nightmares for days.
Jergling Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 19th 2012 at 11:35:09 AM
I just wanted to point out that the Dylan participated in that group hug while still covered in vomit.

This is not a children's book.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 19th 2012 at 10:40:14 PM
Here's to 200 more! ...Wait, is that a good thing in this case?

I highly suspect I will get dragged into watching the Modelland episode by one of my friends, since he must experience everything to do with this trainwreck solely to bask in its trainwreckiness.

LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 20th 2012 at 3:32:43 AM
^^ "This is not a children's book."

No, it's really not. But the New York Times doesn't have a separate category for teen / young adult books, so they all get shoved into the children's category. (And the children's book category was created partially because they were tired of the Harry Potter books hogging the bestseller list.)

^"Here's to 200 more! ...Wait, is that a good thing in this case?"

Yes, it is a good thing. After all, misery loves company. :P

It's also nice to know that people are reading and enjoying my liveblog.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 20th 2012 at 12:58:36 PM
lol I think after some point I've been putting a comment or two on every page. lol here's a good question about this chapter: why have all the character devlopment/ trauma/depth pumped into a single, poorly written chapter instead show signs of it earlier?

I know it's probably the fact that Tyra's a bad writer, but come on! the mojority of these characters are flat stereotypes. Including our main cast! This developement would've been great earlier!
psycher7 Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 21st 2012 at 7:27:36 PM
In my perfect world, the spectacular fall of this book from best-sellerdom would herald a change in the way media approach their younger audiences. One of the reasons I really like Nostalgia Critic (aside from Ruleof Funny) is that he and I have the same berserk button. This attitude that effort is pointless, the audience is nothing more than a marketing demographic, and the younger they are, the less you should respect them...absolutely INFURIATES me. Especially when you see the great things that can be accomplished when you ignore that attitude and focus on quality, like Avatar or Harry Potter. Which, oh by the way, also tended to sell well...
166.87.135.141 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 6th 2012 at 10:55:28 AM
TBH The ANTM motion editorial thing was way better than the actual book itself. (Except for Tyra biting that other guy's thumb that was just... WOMAN YOU ARE THIRTY. SEVEN. YOU ARE NOT TOOKIE. STOP THAT. GAH.)
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