Line #62 Quotes/TheWhiteboard


1	->'''Doc:''' Okay, if I send it back with a refund, give you a new one, erase the website, burn the shop down, shave my head and move to Tibet, ''THEN'' would you be satisfied?
2	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb003.html here]]
3
4	->'''Customer:''' Hey! This 'cocker you sold me stopped working after I fixed it!\
5	'''Doc:''' ''[on the phone]'' Hang on, I gotta go break somebody's fingers.
6	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb015.html here]]
7
8	->'''Doc:''' So what inspired you to put a miniature Tokamak fusion reactor in my Electrococker?\
9	'''Roger:''' Remember how mad you got last month when the battery died in the middle of that rush for the flag?\
10	'''Doc:''' Point taken. But in all fairness, they were planning on cutting down those trees for more playing area anyway.
11	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb030.html here]]
12
13	->'''Player:''' Hey Doc, you're here! Can you fix a Nova that won't fire?\
14	'''Roger:''' 8.4 seconds and you're not even out of the truck yet. That's a new record.
15	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb033.html here]]
16
17	->'''Roger:''' Was that [[WrenchWench a woman wearing a toolbelt?]]\
18	'''Doc:''' Yup.\
19	'''Roger:''' Why was I not notified?
20	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb096.html here]]
21
22	->'''Doc:''' Moved here intentionally? Your parents probably aren't real clear on the concept of 'godforsaken backwater.'
23	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb107.html here]]
24
25	->'''Roger:''' [You'll need] a helmet, a fire extinguisher, a first-aid kit and an updated life insurance policy.\
26	'''Jinx:''' ''What?'' What kind of field is it?!\
27	'''Roger:''' Field? Oh, the field's fine. I was talking about riding in [[CoolCar Doc's truck]]. You'd be safer in a top-fuel dragster. Wouldn't get you there as fast, though.
28	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb108.html here]]
29
30	->'''Rainman:''' ''[to Jinx]'' Hey stranger.\
31	'''Doc:''' And stranger still. What's up Rainman?
32	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb120.html here]]
33
34	->'''Newbie:''' ''[on some pros' paintball jargon]'' Does anyone here speak English?
35	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb124.html here]]
36
37	->'''Doc:''' Hmm. Roger's laptop, and it's still logged in. ''starts typing search terms'' Let's see now... Phrenology, civet gallbladder, inflatable, zaftig! Pusillanimous, hormone, pygmy walrus! Dementia, cure of, and flatulence, cure of! ''finishes and goes away giggling'' I wonder what Amazon.com will recommend for him now?
38	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb150.html here]]
39
40	->''[watching Jinx's highly successful tryout with a pump-action marker]''\
41	'''Bandit:''' He's going to be insufferable, you know.\
42	'''Doc:''' We lived through your first time, didn't we?
43	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb152.html here]]
44
45	->'''Bandit:''' What's wrong?\
46	'''Swampy:''' You know that feeling that [[WesternAnimation/WileECoyoteAndTheRoadrunner Wile E Coyote]] gets when he realizes the [[AnvilOnHead anvil]] is still up there?
47	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb177.html here]]
48
49	->'''Roger:''' Doesn't that mean this is all legal?\
50	'''Doc:''' Technically, I suppose, but then what ''Enron'' was doing was technically legal. 'Til they got caught, anyway.
51	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb190.html here]]
52
53	->''[after Doc accidentally [[ExplosiveOverclocking explosively overcharges]] the lights]'' \
54	'''Roger:''' Now those are some interesting colors...\
55	'''Doc:''' Where's Swampy? We're gonna need somebody with uncarbonized retinas to check the breaker room for flames.
56	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb214.html here]]
57
58	->'''Roger:''' No veggies?\
59	'''Doc:''' [[MeatVersusVeggies Veggies are what food eats.]]
60	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb231.html here]]
61
62	->'''Doc:''' ''[on modding his truck with snow tracks]'' Sometimes the journey is more interesting than the destination. I have fun just trying to get there.\
63	'''Roger:''' Like when you stripped that bolt back at the shop and got so angry you threw the ratchet handle through the wall and broke a water pipe? That was fun?
64	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb260.html here]]
65
66	->'''Roger:''' I had everything organized!\
67	'''Doc:''' What, geologically? Strata and syncline are not terms typically used in office filing systems.
68	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb301.html here]]
69
70	->'''Bandit:''' What's up Roj. Where is everybody?\
71	'''Roger:''' Doc locked himself in the shop [[MustHaveCaffeine with two cases of Dew.]]\
72	'''Bandit:''' Two cases? [[TheMadnessPlace Should I be in fear for my life?]]\
73	'''Roger:''' I've already secured all the fissionables. Nothing to worry about except [[StuffBlowingUp conventional munitions and the usual runaway exothermic reactions.]]
74	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb312.html here]]
75
76	->'''Customer:''' Wow, it looks great. What all did you have to replace?\
77	'''Doc:''' Well, I checked it carefully, and...see this fitting? And the trigger? Those I kept. Everything else I had to replace.
78	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb325.html here]]
79
80	->'''Swampy:''' Didn't Doc treat him for megalomania after the last tourney?\
81	'''Shoey:''' Musta wore off. Think we should clobber him again?
82	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb340.html here]]
83
84	->'''Doc:''' A nice bottle of Chateau Belgrave...\
85	'''Roger:''' [[WineIsClassy A white wine? Wouldn't a red go better with]] [[SubvertedTrope the microwave burritos?]]
86	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb354.html here]]
87
88	->'''Doc:''' I'm really sorry about this. The guys get a little rowdy after a game...\
89	'''Waiter:''' Rowdy?! They jacked up the pressure on the soda fountain and were trying to chrono the Coke nozzles!
90	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb366.html here]]
91
92	->'''Spam:''' Dear Doc: We are pr epar red to help yu re fin annce you're mort age right now !\
93	'''Doc:''' Dear Sirs: Thank you for your assistance. [[SarcasmMode I've always wanted to let some random person who can't spell handle a major financial transaction for me,]] but I'll have to direct you to my financial adviser in order to work out the details. He is Mr. MUGABE AZINGA of the Nigerian Finance Ministry. [[SetAMookToKillAMook Please allow me to forward your message to him...]]
94	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb393.html here]]
95
96	->'''Doc:''' You don't necessarily need to know anything about paintball, it's just office paperwork like you'd see at any other company.\
97	'''Sandy:''' Hair restorer and microwave popcorn are business expenses?\
98	'''Doc:''' Well, okay, maybe not ''exactly'' like other companies...
99	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb415.html here]]
100
101	->'''Sandy:''' ''[being carried at a sprint by Roger]'' isn't this a bit extreme for an "oops"?\
102	'''Roger:''' After you've been here for a while, you'll learn how ominous one of Doc's 'oopses' can be. [[DontAskJustRun They tend to have a minimum safe distance.]]
103	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb440.html here]]
104
105	->'''Sandy:''' Oh ick. You guys actually play in this muck?\
106	'''Swampy:''' Think of it as "less than optimal playing conditions."\
107	'''Sandy:''' It's mud.\
108	'''Roger:''' [[InsistentTerminology "Excessively hydrated topsoil."]]\
109	'''Sandy:''' You guys are nuts.\
110	'''Swampy:''' "Imbalanced cognitive ability."\
111	'''Roger:''' "Obsessive-compulsive."
112	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb450.html here]]
113
114	->'''Sandy:''' Does everyone use the same kind of accessories?\
115	'''Swampy:''' Not really. There's lots of ways to set these up, and every player is different...\
116	'''Roger:''' My towel! Where's my towel! [[Literature/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy How can I be a hoopy frood if I don't know where my towel is?!]]\
117	'''Swampy:''' Of course, some take 'different' [[BunnyEarsLawyer to a whole new and interesting level...]]
118	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb465.html here]]
119
120	->'''Sandy:''' I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do when I get there, and somebody could pop out and shoot me any second now. So why am I having so much fun?
121	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb498.html here]]
122
123	->'''Sandy:''' What's with these people? They're so ''[[TheCameo strange!]]''\
124	'''Swampy:''' They're fine. They're no worse than Doc or Roger. [[MadScientist Okay, bad example]], but still...
125	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb539.html here]]
126
127	->'''Doc:''' No problem. I've seen this kind of thing lots of times. In fact, I think I first saw this particular problem in the movie ''Film/TwoThousandOneASpaceOdyssey''.\
128	'''Customer:''' What, a computer malfunction?\
129	'''Doc:''' [[SurroundedByIdiots No, monkeys bashing stuff with a thigh bone.]]
130	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb564.html here]]
131
132	->'''Customer:''' Hey, got a problem here, think you can fix it?\
133	'''Doc:''' [[MrFixit With the right filler rod I can fix the crack of dawn.]]
134	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb575.html here]]
135
136	->'''Pirta:''' 'Swampy,' huh? Unimaginative parents, or did they just hate you outright?\
137	'''Swampy:''' Well, they weren't poets.
138	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb590.html here]]
139
140	->'''Doc:''' Dunno. What's playing?\
141	'''Roger:''' The same five movies that are always playing: the mindless explosive-laden action flick, the sappy chick flick, the propagandist political "documentary", the low-budget sci-fi based off a crappy book, and the horror/thriller with a plot so transparent it makes vodka look like week-old Yoo-Hoo.\
142	'''Doc:''' You can always stay here, you know.\
143	'''Roger:''' [[SoBadItsGood And miss out on all the fun?]]
144	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb631.html here]]
145
146	->'''Roger:''' 'Not bad?!' [[ItCameFromTheFridge The egg salad's grown MANDIBLES!]]
147	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb652.html here]]
148
149	->'''Pirta:''' Anybody know why he tried blowing up a refrigerator in the first place?\
150	'''Bruno:''' He's Doc. Sometimes 'just because' is a perfectly acceptable reason.
151	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb666.html here]]
152
153	->'''Sandy:''' ''[watching Pirta play]'' We've created a monster.\
154	'''Swampy:''' That's what we said about you.
155	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb729.html here]]
156
157	->'''Doc:''' Now we can do this one of two ways. One, you delete the photos voluntarily and don't let the lady know they were ever taken, and we'll give you some free passes and paint for your trouble. The other way involves being coerced to ''eat'' said phones without benefit of condiments, after which we suggest to the lady that she could perhaps retrieve them, if she so desired, using whatever pointy items she had on hand.\
158	'''Cell camera guy:''' You make a strong and vividly illustrated case.
159	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb736.html here]]
160
161	->'''Sandy:''' A...bomb shelter?\
162	'''Doc:''' Well, that's what he called it. It was more like a place to ''store'' his bombs.
163	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb842.html here]]
164
165	->'''Pirta:''' Is he always such a perv?\
166	'''Sandy:''' Only just before he suffers a concussion.
167	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb889.html here]]
168
169	->'''Rainman:''' The blues lost three guys but were up one. Larry, why don't you switch over?\
170	'''Blue guy:''' The body rejects that transplant.
171	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb954.html here]]
172
173	->'''Shoey:''' Uh, the game's started.\
174	'''Player:''' Oh, ayuh, I know. I'm stayin' here to defend th' flag.\
175	'''Shoey:''' From what? Invasive weeds?
176	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autowb956.html here]]
177
178	->'''Sandy:''' What ''is'' it with this place that not only does [[StuffBlowingUp something blow up every five minutes]], but it's always something [[MadeOfExplodium that has no business exploding in the first place?]]
179	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1028.html here]]
180
181	->'''Doc:''' Y'know, I think next time I go skydiving, I won't even have to bother bringing a parachute. I'll just bring some welding leads or an extension cord. It's an even bet they'll snag on ''something'' before I land.
182	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1154.html here]]
183
184	->'''Doc:''' I'd say it's too early for puns...but that presumes that at some point there's a correct time for them.
185	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1340.html here]]
186
187	->'''Doc:''' I didn't say it was a good idea. I just said it'd be fun to watch.
188	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1353.html here]]
189
190	->'''Doc:''' What? C'mon! The experiment worked! Hardly anything blew up!\
191	'''Sandy:''' Except that you use 'hardly anything' like most people use 'across the entire Eastern seaboard.'
192	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1376.html here]]
193
194	->'''Pirta:''' Oh, come on! Fancy restaurants are the best places to make a scene!\
195	'''Tawny:''' I bet I can get us kicked out!
196	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1399.html here]]
197
198	->'''Sandy:''' What on Earth are you trying to do there, reassemble used dynamite?\
199	'''Doc:''' That'd probably be easier.
200	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1465.html here]]
201
202	->'''Doc:''' What? But I have some great strategies and tactics lined up for you guys!\
203	'''Sandy:''' Most of your 'strategies' involve [[FastballSpecial throwing people overhand]] or distracting them with a stun grenade. We want to win this thing our way.
204	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1470.html here]]
205
206	->'''Doc:''' Can I get you something to drink?\
207	'''Gino:''' Beer if you got one. Three if you got more than one.
208	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1548.html here]]
209
210	->'''Doc:''' You know, I've never seen anyone crumple a glass bottle into a ball before.
211	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1549.html here]]
212
213	->'''Doc:''' Well, Roger had this idea for a golf club, and...wait, don't you want to hear what happened?\
214	'''Sandy:''' I'll wait for the movie. Or the court transcripts.
215	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1552.html here]]
216
217	->'''Sandy:''' Your lectures could be bottled and sold as surgical anesthetic.
218	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1660.html here]]
219
220	->'''Doc:''' You know, some nice soothing gunfire does sound pretty good right about now...
221	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1667.html here]]
222
223	->'''Rainman:''' I want a rematch!\
224	'''Bandit:''' Sure! 237th time's the charm!
225	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1671.html here]]
226
227	->'''Bruno:''' I can't fault his logic, Red. [[StopHavingFunGuys I wanna unscrew his head and see what makes him tick]], but I can't fault his ''logic''.
228	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1685.html here]]
229
230	->'''Swampy:''' All right, are they running towards something, or away from it?\
231	'''Sandy:''' Away, 'cause they're sweating. If they were running that excitedly towards something, they'd be drooling.
232	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1722.html here]]
233
234	->'''Sandy:''' Okay, I'm pretty sure like two minutes ago we were talking about team practice. Did I get the wrong set of cue cards or something?
235	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1750.html here]]
236
237	->'''Pirta:''' What? How did you know?\
238	'''Swampy:''' Well, like this morning, when he found out I ate the last of his Froot Loops? The smoke that came out of his ears was a lot darker than usual...
239	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1752.html here]]
240
241	->'''Doc:''' This is kind of a "RocksFallEveryoneDies" type of weapon, isn't it?
242	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1788.html here]]
243
244	->'''Bruno:''' I think we're okay. The fire would have to jump the river to get here, and I've taken precautions. I washed my car and invited a bunch of people over for a barbecue this weekend. [[CueTheRain It's practically guaranteed to rain]].
245	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1798.html here]]
246
247	->'''Swampy:''' But I bribed Bruno to let us have one!\
248	'''Pirta:''' You? A bribe? You mean to tell me that Bruno can be bought off with [[PerpetualPoverty half a pound of pocket lint and an expired Hardee's coupon?]]
249	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1800.html here]]
250
251	->'''Bruno:''' I heard Darryl wasn't quite the same after he took a tranq dart strong enough to knock down [[UnstoppableRage Doc on a Dew bender.]]\
252	'''Rainman:''' To tell the truth, sir, Darryl wasn't quite the same in the first place.
253	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1803.html here]]
254
255	->'''Doc:''' You and I have very different ideas of what 'real simple' means.
256	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1807.html here]]
257
258	->'''Red Team:''' Besides its use in popular culture to denote anger and aggression, the color red's historic use as a pejorative towards Communist Bloc nations--e.g. "[[DirtyCommunists the Red Menace]]"--makes it politically unacceptable, and as such I would like to request an alternative!\
259	'''Jinx:''' ...right. Okay, Team ''Pedantic Douchebags'', are you ready?!
260	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1841.html here]]
261
262	->'''Bruno:''' Swampy, I swear I am going to find a way to make you eat your own head.
263	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1856.html here]]
264
265	->'''Doc:''' Is that a veiled request for help?\
266	'''Red:''' Veiled, nothin'. You an' Roger soaked my entire target range [[SpamAttack and everything for sixty yards around it a foot deep in yellow paint.]] You guys ''owe'' me.
267	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1863.html here]]
268
269	->'''Roger:''' Leave me alone. Do you have any idea how hard it is to code up a 3-dimensional dynamic spin compensation program?\
270	'''Doc:''' Do you know how funny it's going to look with your tail protruding from your left ear?\
271	'''Roger:''' [[ShuttingUpNow I'll be right out.]]
272	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1864.html here]]
273
274	->'''Red:''' Is someone paying you to keep me depressed, Bruno?\
275	'''Bruno:''' We took up a collection.
276	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1882.html here]]
277
278	->'''Shoey:''' ''[reffing]'' Oh, it's good to be back on the field again! Big group, new players...''HEY DIPWAD! I CATCH YOU [[KickThemWhileTheyAreDown BONUS-BALLING ELIMINATED PLAYERS]] AGAIN I'M GONNA MAKE YOU '''EAT''' THAT BUNKER!!'' It's almost relaxing...
279	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb1885.html here]]
280
281	->'''Cara:''' How do I know you don't still have a bunch of strange and nasty secrets?\
282	'''Doc:''' My Dear Lady, I have not even ''begun'' to show you my trove of strange and nasty secrets.\
283	'''Cara:''' Should I be worried?\
284	'''Doc:''' Not at all. You're fireproof now.
285	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2259.html here]]
286
287	->'''Doc:''' Veiled insult has been noted and logged.
288	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2275.html here]]
289
290	->'''Doc:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh gosh, that aroused neither curiosity nor suspicion. I should pay it no mind and just go about my usual business.]]
291	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2326.html here]]
292
293	->'''Sandy:''' Don't worry about it. Just be yourself.\
294	'''Doc:''' Myself has the fashion sense of a retired dumptruck. I should at least make an effort.
295	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2340.html here]]
296
297	->'''Roger:''' And you know that feeling you get when something cool you built turns out to work even better than you expected? It's really wierd when that thing is also chasing you with a death ray.
298	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2555.html here]]
299
300	->'''Doc:''' Would the owner of the blue Ford hatchback, parked on the west side of the building in the no-parking zone in front of our loading dock, please remove it? What's left of your transmission is clogging the treads on our excavator. Thank you.
301	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2572.html here]]
302
303	->'''Sandy:''' Swamps, I love you, but sometimes I swear your brain is just a shock absorber.
304	-->-- [[http://www.the-whiteboard.com/autotwb2602.html here]]
305
306	->'''Roger:''' That would be dangerous, stupid and ill-advised. Lemme get my toolbox.

Context Quotes / TheWhiteboard