1 | ->''"With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar and not to be trusted."'' |
2 | -->--'''Sam the Eagle''' |
3 | |
4 | ->''"Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked? Hrmm? Isn't that disgusting?"'' |
5 | -->--'''Sam the Eagle''' |
6 | |
7 | ->'''Statler:''' "Hey Berle! You know what? I've just figured out your style. You work like Gregory Peck."\ |
8 | '''Berle:''' "Wha - Gregory Peck's not a comedian!"\ |
9 | '''Statler:''' "Well..."\ |
10 | '''Berle:''' "Now just a minute, please. I've been a successful comedian for half my life!"\ |
11 | '''Waldorf:''' "How come we got '''this''' half?"\ |
12 | '''Berle:''' "Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?"\ |
13 | '''Statler:''' "That's right."\ |
14 | '''Berle:''' "What?"\ |
15 | '''Waldorf:''' "We came in here to be entertained, and we're not." |
16 | -->--'''Milton Berle''' takes the usual abuse from '''Statler and Waldorf''' |
17 | |
18 | ->'''Lisa:''' Dad, what's a Muppet?\ |
19 | '''Homer:''' Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet... but man ''(laughs)''. So to answer your question, [[KnowNothingKnowItAll I don't know]]. |
20 | -->-- '''Homer Simpson''' attempts to describe the Muppets, ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "A Fish Called Selma" |
21 | |
22 | -> '''Statler:''' "The question is; what ''is'' a Mahna Mahna?\ |
23 | '''Waldorf:''' "The question is; [[DeadpanSnarker who cares?"]] |
24 | -->--'''JustForFun/StatlerAndWaldorf''''s very first [[DeadpanSnarker snarky]] comment ever on the show. |
25 | |
26 | ->'''Big Bird:''' "Oh, hi! I'm Big Bird!"\ |
27 | '''Miss Piggy:''' ''[looking him up and down]'' "No kidding."\ |
28 | '''Big Bird:''' "I'm a friend of Kermit's. We both come from the same neighborhood, Series/SesameStreet."\ |
29 | '''Miss Piggy:''' "Ah! Isn't that the cute little children's show with puppets?" |
30 | -->--'''Miss Piggy''' and '''Big Bird''' meet for the first time when the latter makes a guest appearance on the show. |
31 | |
32 | ->'''Beauregard:''' "I sent Beaker to get the power saw."\ |
33 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' "Is that wise?"\ |
34 | '''Beauregard:''' "Oh sure, he's okay."\ |
35 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' "He's dumber than you are."\ |
36 | '''Beauregard:''' "He is not!" |
37 | -->--'''Kermit''' and '''Beauregard''' the janitor having an [[StealthPun intellectual conversation]]. |
38 | |
39 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?\ |
40 | '''Miss Piggy:''' Um... W-What would make you think a thing like that?\ |
41 | '''Kermit:''' The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!\ |
42 | '''Piggy:''' Oh... Oh, yeah. Well, it was a little teeny-tiny item!\ |
43 | '''Kermit:''' IT WAS A COVER STORY ABOUT US BEING SECRETLY MARRIED!\ |
44 | '''Piggy:''' Well... a slight exaggeration.\ |
45 | '''Kermit:''' THAT'S A BALD-FACED LIE, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND AROUND WHILE YOU DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT, PIGGY! YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME TOO MANY TIMES, PIGGY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR FOR IT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!\ |
46 | '''Piggy:''' What are you gonna do?\ |
47 | '''Kermit:''' I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO, PIGGY! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU! PIGGY, YOU ARE FIRED! YOU ARE FIRED, PIGGY! YOU ARE FIRED, FIRED!\ |
48 | '''Piggy:''' You are kidding!\ |
49 | '''Kermit:''' I AM ''NOT'' KIDDING!\ |
50 | '''Piggy:''' But- But I am in the next number!\ |
51 | '''Kermit:''' I WILL CANCE- CAN- ''(To the intercom)'' Cancel the next number! Put on the snorers' chorus instead! |
52 | -->--'''Kermit the Frog''' fires '''Miss Piggy''' when the photographer from Tongue Magazine gave them the cover story about them getting secretly married. |
53 | |
54 | ->'''Loretta Swit:''' Now, Kermit, who is going to replace a talent, and a verb?\ |
55 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' Well, in Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you could be in it?\ |
56 | '''Loretta Swit:''' ''({{GASP}})'' I'D LOVE TOO!\ |
57 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' Oh, good!\ |
58 | '''Loretta Swit:''' Will the clothes fit?\ |
59 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' Why sure! Anybody can do that.\ |
60 | '''Tongue Magazine Photographer:''' Hey Miss Piggy, do you work here?\ |
61 | '''Miss Piggy:''' HAI-YAH! ''(Kicks the photographer)'' |
62 | -->--'''Kermit the Frog''' giving '''Loretta Swit''' an offer on replacing Miss Piggy on Vets Hospital after Kermit fires Miss Piggy. |
63 | |
64 | ->''"When Animal gets something he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative."'' |
65 | -->--'''Dr. Teeth''' |
66 | |
67 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' Usually at this time, I would have said "We will see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show''" to the audience. But do you mind saying good night to audience, your way?\ |
68 | '''Roy Rogers:''' Well, I'll be glad to, Kermit. ''(To the audience)'' "Until we meet again, On screen or in person, Good night, Good luck, And make the good lord take a liking on you!" |
69 | -->--From the ending of the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans episode of The Muppet Show. Kermit offers Roy Rogers to say Good night to the audience his way. |
70 | |
71 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' ''(Depressed)'' Thank you, and welcome to the very moment of the Muppet Show. I am sorry guys, but I have some bad news.\ |
72 | '''Statler:''' I think we made it at last.\ |
73 | '''Waldorf:''' Could be, or maybe the show is cancelled.\ |
74 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' I just misread my calender, the show has been cancelled because we are doing an audition. You are welcome to see the audition, but I don't know if they are very excitement. Good night everybody.\ |
75 | ''(Audience leave the theatre in disappointment)'' |
76 | -->--From the '''Steve Martin''' episode when Kermit alerted the viewers that tonight's show is cancelled due to audition. |
77 | |
78 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' ''(As he on the stage set for the closing number of the Sylvester Stallone episode)'' Well, we all had fun today, and I know there's nothing more to say about it. But before we go, we want to say a warm thank you to our special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! YAYYYYYYYYY!\ |
79 | '''Sylvester Stallone:''' ''(Cheering up a bit)'' Well, Kermit, I had a wonderful time. I hope I didn't hurt you by talking to the punching bag.\ |
80 | '''The Punching Bag:''' Come on, Stallone. Give us this one for old time's sake.\ |
81 | '''Sylvester Stallone:''' Well, okay. ''(He punches the punching bag)\ |
82 | '''Kermit the Frog:''' Well, anyways, we wil see you again next time on ''The Muppet Show!'' You are a wonderful laugh track. |
83 | -->--From the ending of the ''Sylvester Stallone'' episode. |
84 | |
85 | ->'''Kermit the Chicken:''' Well, This is Kermit the Chicken saying we all had fun today. But before we go, let us give out a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! YAYYYYYYYYY!\ |
86 | '''Roger Miller:''' Well, Kermit, I had a great time. And it appears that you have some bad case of Cluckitis.\ |
87 | '''Kermit the Chicken:''' You know all about Cluckitis?\ |
88 | '''Roger Miller:''' I used to have one along time ago. But in the few days, it went away, and I turn back into a human.\ |
89 | '''Gonzo:''' And I am glad I don't have Cluckitis.\ |
90 | '''Kermit the Chicken:''' Well, we will see you again next time on ''the Muppet Show!'' |
91 | -->--From the Roger Miller episode. |
92 | |
93 | ->'''Statler:''' Well, it looks like time's running out for us.\ |
94 | '''Waldorf:''' Yeah, and for the show, too!\ |
95 | '''Statler:''' So let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!\ |
96 | '''Kermit:''' ''(running back on stage with Fozzie)'' YAYYYYYYYYY!\ |
97 | '''Hal Linden:''' Kermit, it's good to see you.\ |
98 | '''Waldorf:''' It sure is!\ |
99 | '''Statler:''' Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.\ |
100 | '''Hal Linden:''' Has it really?\ |
101 | '''Kermit:''' Gee, I thought that was a teriffic show!\ |
102 | '''Hal Linden:''' What're you talking about? There was a lot of confusion and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs...\ |
103 | '''Fozzie:''' Yeah yeah, just like any good Muppet Show!\ |
104 | '''Kermit:''' And Hal, you're a big part of it.\ |
105 | '''Hal Linden:''' Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.\ |
106 | ''(Everyone laughs.)''\ |
107 | '''Waldorf:''' Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there. ''(exits the stage)''\ |
108 | '''Statler:''' ''(nods)'' We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! ''(exits the stage)''\ |
109 | '''Kermit:''' Oh, good! We'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show''!\ |
110 | '''Fozzie:''' Bye!\ |
111 | ''(After the credits...)''\ |
112 | '''Statler:''' You know, I've never liked their theme music.\ |
113 | '''Waldorf:''' Neither did I.\ |
114 | '''Kermit:''' You promised!\ |
115 | '''Statler & Waldorf:''' Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! |
116 | -->--From the ending of the ''Hal Linden'' episode. |
117 | |
118 | ->'''Droop:''' I don't like it here, It's so dull. |
119 | ->'''Ben Vereen:''' Hello, Droop. |
120 | ->'''Droop:''' Hello, Ben. |
121 | ->'''Ben Vereen:''' Hey listen, I can take you out of this place. |
122 | ->'''Droop:''' No thanks, I am not allowed to cross the street. |
123 | ->'''Ben Vereen:''' No no, That's not what I mean. Just listen..... |
124 | -->-- Opening lines for the closing number of the Ben Vereen number as they sing ''Pure Imagination'' from the 1971 movie: ''[[Film/WillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactory Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]''. |
125 | |
126 | ->'''Albert Flan:''' WATCH OUT FOR THE MAIN POWER CABLE! |
127 | ->'''Fozzie Bear:''' Say What?!? |
128 | ->*Gets electrocuted by Otto the Robot Comedian* |
129 | -->-- Fozzie Bear tries to cut the Robot in half during saw the lady in half gag on the Fozzie's Comedy Spot on the Sylvester Stallone episode. |
130 | |
131 | ->'''Beuaregard:''' You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!! |
132 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' Uh, NO! The end is now! (To the viewers) We will see you in reruns of The Muppet Show! |
133 | -->-- From the Gene Kelly episode. This was the series finale. |
134 | |
135 | ->'''Cloris Leachman:''' Okay, CUT! CUT! That is Not Sweetums! And you are NOT KERMIT! |
136 | ->'''Kermit look-a-like pig:''' Yes, I am! |
137 | ->'''Cloris Leachman:''' No, You are not. |
138 | ->'''Kermit look-a-like pig:''' Maybe it's your TV set. |
139 | ->'''Cloris Leachman:''' WRONG! I have seen The Muppet Show many times before. And you don't look anything like Kermit. Well, You are green, And you have a neck color that Kermit wears. But you are NOT Kermit! |
140 | ->'''Kermit look-a-like pig:''' YES, I AM! |
141 | ->'''Cloris Leachman:''' Alright, Then I will spell it out for you! You are pig: P-I-G, You are NOT a frog: F-R-O-G, You are NOT a frog, And it ever convince me, That you are a frog: NOTHING! |
142 | ->'''Kermit look-a-like pig:''' RIBBIT! RIBBIT! RIBBIT! |
143 | ->'''Cloris Leachman:''' Kermit, It is you. |
144 | -->--From the Cloris Leachman episode when the pigs meanfully take over the show. |
145 | |
146 | ->'''Scooter:''' Hey, Kermit! We are free! |
147 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' What happened?!? |
148 | ->'''Scootrer:''' Cloris did a hog-calling contest. All the pigs heard it and went out! |
149 | ->'''Kermit the Frog:''' I see. (To Fozzie Bear) Fozzie, Tell Gonzo that we are free. |
150 | ->'''Fozzie Bear:''' Right on, (To Gonzo) HEY GONZO! (No response in the hole) |
151 | -->--From the Cloris Leachman episode after the hog calling contest caused the pigs to escape. |
152 | |
153 | ->*Door knocks* |
154 | ->'''Dudley Moore:''' COME IN! |
155 | ->'''Scooter:''' Oh, Dudley, Dudley Moore. 15 Seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore. |
156 | ->'''Dudley Moore:''' (As he is tuning his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A? |
157 | ->'''Scooter:''' Sure, Easy! (Uses the gun to shoot a the ceiling and comes down the letter A) |
158 | -->--The teaser opening to the Dudley Moore episode. |
159 | |
160 | ->'''News Anchor:''' (Interrupting the ''Pigs in Space'' sketch) And now, A Muppet news flash! Probably a greatest news story in history, The meaning of porpoise of life has just been announced... (He looks at the wrong message) Wait a minute, That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!? |
161 | -->--From the Gene Kelly episode. |
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