1 | -> '''Andy Parsons:''' ''(Re: Series/{{Countdown}})'' "I think Dictionary Corner would be quite happy to be unionised, because it is in fact a nine letter word". |
2 | |
3 | !!Picture of the Week |
4 | |
5 | ->(''on Edward Snowden's flight plan'')\ |
6 | '''Andy''': He said he was relieved to land in Moscow, but he was flying Aeroflot so I imagine ''everyone'' was relieved...\ |
7 | '''Hugh''': I flew Aeroflot once, I sat next to this bloke, he had a mole with a massive hair growing out of it and every time he moved ''[[{{Squick}} his hair was brushing against my face]]''...\ |
8 | '''Dara''': Did anyone know what seat he was in?\ |
9 | '''Chris''': 17A.\ |
10 | '''Hugh''': Did he sit next to a man with a massive mole growing out of him...\ |
11 | '''Chris''': [[{{Pun}} He IS the massive mole.]] |
12 | |
13 | !!Spinning The News |
14 | |
15 | -->'''Dara''': "Now we move on to a round called... |
16 | --->'The Four Horsemen of the A-Mock-alypse'.\ |
17 | 'If we can get just three guys to do this, we can Mock off early'."\ |
18 | 'Your Grexits[[note]]the media term for Greece's exit from the EU[[/note]] are (pointing with both hands) Here, Here and Here'."\ |
19 | 'It's Getting Hot in Here, So Take Out All your Jokes'."\ |
20 | '[[Film/PretAPorter Here Comes the Mockstepper, murrrderer]]'." |
21 | |
22 | ->(''Frankie on gay rights'') |
23 | ->"(Concerning gay adoption) I'd have loved to have had a gay dad. You remember all that stuff at school? 'Oh, my dad will batter your dad, my dad could batter your dad' [[spoiler:'Listen! My dad will ''shag'' your dad!... And your dad will enjoy it!']]" |
24 | |
25 | -> (''Stuart Francis on schooling'') |
26 | -> "You are looking at a very proud Canadian, who is very proud of the education system in Canadia... I was horrible in school, I failed math so many times that I can't even count... I preferred French over Chemistry, because the Chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any, eh... [[LastSecondWordSwap rapport...]] One teacher told me I'd be a better student if I didn't spend so much time flirting, I immediately jumped off his lap... One teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant, but you know what? That was his or her opinion... I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it... In high school I was voted Most Likely To... Reminisce..." *trails off* |
27 | |
28 | -> (''Ed on piracy'') |
29 | -> "Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law." |
30 | |
31 | !!If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? |
32 | |
33 | ->(''Answer: 25 in a row'') |
34 | -> '''Andy''': "... how many times has Dara cracked one off to watching ''Series/BluePeter''?" |
35 | |
36 | ->(''Answer: Serious, Risky and Heroic'') |
37 | -> '''Russel''': What are Snap, Crackle and Pop's DJ names? |
38 | -> '''Frankie''': What are the three settings on the world's most powerful vibrator? |
39 | -> '''Frankie''': How would I describe my sex tour of Nigeria? |
40 | |
41 | ->(''Answer: 60,000'') |
42 | ->'''Andy:''' How many times will this clip be shown on Dave? |
43 | |
44 | ->(''Answer: Around 24,000'') |
45 | ->'''Ed:''' How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face before it stopped being fun and I continued to do it out of a sense of duty? |
46 | |
47 | ->(''Answer: 3%'') |
48 | ->"Is it the percentage of people [[NeverOneMurder still alive]] in [[Series/MidsomerMurders Midsomer]]?" |
49 | |
50 | ->(''Answer: Between 10,000 and 15,000'') |
51 | ->'''Russel''': How many people in Britain are secretly elves? |
52 | ->'''Frankie''': How many push-ups could Jesus do? |
53 | |
54 | ->(''Answer: Sparrows, otters and hedgehogs'') |
55 | ->'''Andy''': What is the least popular Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor? |
56 | ->'''Frankie''': What's on the menu at a Gypsy wedding? |
57 | ->'''Frankie''': As a kid, what animals would I dress up in uniforms to reenact the Battle of Stalingrad with the German forces [[CrossingTheLineTwice played by a lawnmower?]] |
58 | |
59 | !!Scenes We'd Like To See |
60 | |
61 | -> (''on "Weird Things To See On A Roadsign"'') |
62 | ->'''Frankie''': "[[AscendedMeme Stop. Hammertime.]]" |
63 | ->'''Russell''': (mimes driving) "You're Very Lonely, [[ParanoiaFuel Aren't You, Russel?]]" (does a double take) |
64 | ->'''Andy''': "[[ShmuckBait Accident on Opposite Carriageway. Quick! Look!]]" |
65 | ->'''Frankie''': "No left turn. No right turn. No entry. No reversing. Get out of the car and put your hands on your head. DO IT!!" |
66 | |
67 | ->(''on "Deleted Lines From A Fantasy Film"'') |
68 | ->'''Russell''': "[[Film/TheLordOfTheRings I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the heir to Isildur and part of the Fellowship of the Ring...]] please leave a message after the tone." |
69 | ->'''Frankie''': "[[Franchise/HarryPotter Ron had been suffering from swine flu and people were avoiding him]]... [[RedheadsAreUncool luckily he was a ginger and he was used to it]]." |
70 | ->'''Hugh''': "I don't know why you're so upset Harry, [[Creator/RichardHarris the real Dumbledore]] died three films ago and no one gave a shit." |
71 | ->'''Russell''': "[[Literature/TheChroniclesOfNarnia 'Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe?']] 'No Edmund, we found your PornStash...' " |
72 | ->'''Frankie''': "We had only been there a day, but for us it felt like fifteen years... [[PlaceWorseThanDeath that's Birmingham]]." |
73 | ->'''Russel''': "He stole it from me, my Precious, m- Oh, it's in me pocket..." |
74 | ->'''Creator/GregDavies''': "Hey, John. How's it going? All right? Yeah. How're the kids? All right. See you later." |
75 | |
76 | -> (''on "Unlikely Lines from a Thriller"'') |
77 | ->'''Frankie''': "Michael, Peter, David, Vladimir...I think we may have a spy in the organization." |
78 | ->'''Hugh''': "Get me the Pentagon...and then the triangle and then the square..." |
79 | ->'''Andy''': "Ah, [[Film/{{Goldfinger}} Pussy Galore, Bond here...]] I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous partners..." |
80 | ->'''Frankie''': "The owner of this motel [[Film/{{Psycho}} dresses up as his mother and stabs people,]] but the guidebook says it's still better than The Ibis." |
81 | ->'''Hugh''': "[[WireDilemma Red or green! Red or green! Which one am I supposed to cut?!]] [[SeriousBusiness Come on, they're only peppers, how long is this salad going to take?!]]" |
82 | ->'''Andy''': "[[Literature/MurderOnTheOrientExpress The Orient Express has been cancelled,]] however there was a murder on the temporary Orient replacement bus." |
83 | ->'''Russell''': "[[Film/{{Memento}} I have amnesia: the tattoos on my body will tell me what happened.]]" *checks self* "'Dara Was here'?" *Dara nods* |
84 | ->'''Frankie''': "I'd been a serial killer for four years, but they'd never given me a nickname... [[ButtBiter Then, you bite ONE GUY ON THE ARSE,]] [[NeverLiveItDown and suddenly you're The Buttmuncher.]]" |
85 | ->'''Russell''': (leaping in pain) "AAAAHH!! [[RunningGag THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!!]]" |
86 | |
87 | -> (''on "Ill Advised Things to Say in Court"'') |
88 | ->'''Andy''': "How could she have seen my face?! ''I was wearing a balaclava!''" |
89 | ->'''Frankie''': "So, to summarise, there's no evidence, but he does ''look'' a bit [[BuffySpeak rapey.]]" |
90 | ->'''Mark Watson''': "Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!" |
91 | ->'''Frankie''': "I would like to present my own defence, ''through the medium of dance!''" |
92 | ->'''Russel''': "Oi, Wiggy, I've done your daughter!" *mimes taking a hit from a joint* |
93 | |
94 | -> (on "Unlikely Lines From A Science Programme")\ |
95 | '''Holly''': "Apart from humans, the only living thing to enjoy sex is the dolphin. [[BestialityIsDepraved I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out..."]]\ |
96 | '''Russel''': "[[CrossesTheLineTwice I'm a meerkat; she's not lying...]]" |
97 | |
98 | ->''"(shambles up to the microphone) I escaped from the petri dish! WHAT AM I?!"'' |
99 | -->-- '''Russel as a GeneticAbomination''' |
100 | |
101 | ->''"Welcome to Series/MockTheWeek: [[TooHotForTV After Dark]]. I'm Dara Ó Briain, and '''this'''... is my penis."'' |
102 | -->-- '''Creator/FrankieBoyle''' |
103 | |
104 | ->''"Yes, well it's... definitely [[AssShove stuck up there]]... we may, er... [[NoodleImplements we may have to use the ferret]]."'' |
105 | -->-- '''Hugh Dennis''' |
106 | |
107 | ->(On "Unlikely Scenes From ''Series/DoctorWho''") |
108 | ->"WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! *Buzz* THIS ONE IS CALLED "DAFFODILS!" EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!" |
109 | -->-- '''Frankie as a Dalek.''' |
110 | |
111 | !!Headliners |
112 | |
113 | ->(''The letters are P.T.F.C.'') |
114 | ->'''Creator/MiltonJones''': "Performers Try Find Caption?" |
115 | ->'''Russell Howard''' (''upon discovering it relates to the MP's expenses scandal''): "Payback The Fucking Cash!" |
116 | |
117 | ->(''The letters are P.T.S.D.'') |
118 | ->'''Frankie''': Prescott To Swallow Dorsett? |
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