| 1 | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation6 Zero Punctuation 6 (2021)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation7 Zero Punctuation 7 (2022 - 2023)]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | ---- |
| 4 | |
| 5 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 6 | |
| 7 | ! 2011 Episodes |
| 8 | !! 2011, Quarter 1 |
| 9 | [[folder:Top 5 of 2010]] |
| 10 | * The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst). |
| 11 | * After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to ''VideoGame/KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days'': |
| 12 | -->Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away. |
| 13 | ** Faking the audience out before that by pretending to give the award to ''VideoGame/HaloReach'' and then ''VideoGame/FableIII''. |
| 14 | [[/folder]] |
| 15 | |
| 16 | [[folder:World of Warcraft: Cataclysm]] |
| 17 | * Yahtzee's unapologetic shilling of his [[Literature/{{Mogworld}} MMORPG-themed fantasy novel]]. |
| 18 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I may have given some subtle hints in the past that I've played ''[=WoW=]'' before. Subtle hints such as an entire fucking book published by Dark Horse available on Amazon. '''Buy now, beat the rush!''' |
| 19 | [[/folder]] |
| 20 | |
| 21 | [[folder:Fable III]] |
| 22 | * Yahtzee describes his frustration with how he sees the hero as lacking any good character traits, and how their only real qualification for being the leader of the rebellion seems to be their RoyalBlood: |
| 23 | -->[[invoked]] I think I've realized what I don't like about ''Fable'': [[UnfortunateImplications it's essentially]] ''[[UnfortunateImplications fascist]]''. Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing, out-of-touch, mostly silent, privileged fop ''[[BestialityIsDepraved who fucks his dog]]!'' And I'm not even being disingenuous -- when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it ''Film/DirtyDancing''. |
| 24 | * The FlatWhat. |
| 25 | * When describing the plot of the second half of the game, in which the player character must raise six million coins in order to fend off the approaching attack of an EldritchAbomination, Yahtzee illustrates it with his avatar standing waist-deep in a giant pile of coins going "BWA HA HA", before the evil being shows up and he hurls a coin at it whilst yelling "FUCK OFF". |
| 26 | [[/folder]] |
| 27 | |
| 28 | [[folder:Minecraft]] |
| 29 | * "Oh, [[Series/TheGoodies goody]]! Now I can go back inside and ''keep playing VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}''!" |
| 30 | * The Brisbane floods, where "the sandbag fairy had visited all the good little shops", and the {{visual pun}}s that follow. |
| 31 | * "With Fisher-Price Shoggoths scratching at the walls, I decided the sensible, level-headed thing to do was to tunnel down into the centre of the Earth". |
| 32 | * "Ohh, ''shit''. When did I become my dad?" |
| 33 | * "Why did it get so dark all of a sudden? What's that rustling sound? Why are my intestines over there now?" |
| 34 | * "Christ, it's like ''Zelda'' meets ''Film/ThereWillBeBlood''!" (with picture of Link being chased by Daniel Plainview wielding a bowling pin) |
| 35 | * "One: Do not rely on fire to clear away your forests unless you want your gameworld to look like the Vietnam War." |
| 36 | * "But as I was trying to think of something to do with all these rocks, I noticed a nearby mountain, and thought 'You know what that's crying out for? A ''Skull Fortress!'' With flaming towers and eyes that weep lava (because he's depressed by all the kamikaze shrubs).'" |
| 37 | * Creepers: "It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge!" Illustration: Yahtzee running at ''VideoGame/FableIII'' with explosives strapped to his body. |
| 38 | * His entire rant about the appeal of building anything with his example being a golden [[BiggerIsBetterInBed giant cock and balls]]. |
| 39 | * The absolutely best line of that segment has to be when he compares ''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}'' to ''VideoGame/GarrysMod'': |
| 40 | --> "If you can just clap your hands and summon fifty explosive barrels to pile ragdolls around, the spectacle is about as fulfilling as eating your own snot." |
| 41 | [[/folder]] |
| 42 | |
| 43 | [[folder:A Shadow's Tale]] |
| 44 | * "...this is the permanent mental state of most adult male nerds in any situation more sociable than jerking off with a hand-puppet. The UrExample of this subgenre, as in '[[{{Pun}} Er]], what are you doing with that hand-puppet?' would be {{VideoGame/Ico}}, also known as I. C. O. if you're WRONG!" |
| 45 | [[/folder]] |
| 46 | |
| 47 | [[folder:Dead Space 2]] |
| 48 | * ''VideoGame/DeadSpace2'' ramps up the poignancy of the slaughter by initially setting it in children's classrooms full of "blood-stained crayon drawings reading 'I love Mummy and being alive'." |
| 49 | ** "It's set in space, the best setting besides the land of chocolate lesbians." |
| 50 | ** "...that's the game ''{{VideoGame/Wet}}'' and the game ''[[Film/XMenOriginsWolverine Wolverine]]'', not a game about a wet wolverine, NO SUCH THING EXISTS!" |
| 51 | [[/folder]] |
| 52 | |
| 53 | [[folder:DC Universe Online]] |
| 54 | * Yahtzee's anal reason for not reading serial comic books. |
| 55 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I'm not into ongoing comics, because to my mind a good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended. Because if you just keep going, then eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all your internal organs out your sphincter until only a foul-smelling shell remains, and anyone who wants to get in on your incredibly long poo gets turned off because they need to have gone through all the poo up to that point to have all the necessary context and this is where the analogy is breaking down somewhat. |
| 56 | * Yahtzee decides to describe the premise as if we don’t know anything about the DC universe: |
| 57 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' A bunch of poorly-dressed motherfuckers have a great big apocalyptic punch-up until only one survives, where upon aliens invade, so [[Characters/SupermanLexLuthor said survivor]] travels back in time - no, they don’t say how, put your arm down - and brings a warning to two [[ComicBook/{{Superman}} rodeo]] [[ComicBook/{{Batman}} clowns]] and [[ComicBook/WonderWoman a prostitute.]] [[MassSuperEmpoweringEvent Then he does a weird thing that bestows superpowers upon a whole bunch of random civies]], his assumption perhaps being that if the entire world consists of poorly-dressed motherfuckers having a punch-up, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere then perhaps the aliens will just get freaked out and quietly leave.]] |
| 58 | * Yahtzee's reason the real reason why comic book fans would want to play. |
| 59 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' It's probably for fans only, but then again surely fans are the ones who'd want their own identities so they could introduce [[SelfInsertFic their self-insert fan-fiction character]] [[MartyStu who arm-wrestles Batman]] and [[TwinThreesomeFantasy gets into a threesome with Wonder Woman... and another Wonder Woman]]. [[invoked]] |
| 60 | [[/folder]] |
| 61 | |
| 62 | [[folder:[=MindJack=]]] |
| 63 | * After commenting on how some viewers didn't know whether Yahtzee was [[AccentuateTheNegative recommending a game or not]]. |
| 64 | -->"So in the name of keeping things nice and clear for you touchy sods, let me as unambiguous as possible in this critique. ''VideoGame/MindJack'' is [[ClusterFBomb Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. Fucking.]] [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.]] Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. ''Play it''." |
| 65 | ** Made more hilarious by the VisualPun: each repetition of "Fucking" adds the word to the hammer he's about to use to bludgeon the game, each repetition of "Bad" and "Don't" shows him [[PunctuatedPounding bludgeoning the game]], and the "Play it" line has him [[DisneyVillainDeath kicking the game off a cliff]]. |
| 66 | [[/folder]] |
| 67 | |
| 68 | [[folder:Killzone 3]] |
| 69 | * "So, ''fuck'' modern technology right in its cutting edge! Oww!" |
| 70 | [[/folder]] |
| 71 | |
| 72 | [[folder:Kirby's Epic Yarn]] |
| 73 | * About the game's localisation delays: "You'd almost think Nintendo were concerned that a game about a fat, pink retard, voraciously overconsuming, wouldn't go down well in the West." |
| 74 | * "One of the [[BlatantLies many things I have in common]] with [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration Captain Picard]] is..." |
| 75 | [[/folder]] |
| 76 | |
| 77 | [[folder:Dragon Age II]] |
| 78 | * Summing up the game as "not so much '[[TheHerosJourney a hero's journey]]' as 'a hero piddles around for a while [[GayOption gobbing off his handsome friend]].'" |
| 79 | [[/folder]] |
| 80 | |
| 81 | !! 2011, Quarter 2 |
| 82 | [[folder:Yakuza 4]] |
| 83 | * Amazed at the level of cultural representation this game manages to pull off, Yahtzee muses on the possibility of a British equivalent in which "you play [[UsefulNotes/BritishCoppers a bobby in Olde London Towne]] healing up by eating fish 'n chips and [[RugbyIsSlaughter using a fighting style that mainly employs rugby tackles.]]" He then shows the box art, which is titled [[IAmVeryBritish Constable Blimey Chips.]] |
| 84 | [[/folder]] |
| 85 | |
| 86 | [[folder:Nintendo [=3DS=]]] |
| 87 | * "I did check, and it is extremely possible to make a Mii who has what looks like a cock for a face. It's equally possible to name him 'Senor Koquonfaes' ''(pronounced "Cock-on-face")'' and make him your street pass ambassador who greets every 3DS owner in the vicinity with the phrase 'I'M WATCHING YOU' in block capitals. Then all you have to do is walk past the primary school and listen for the losses of innocence." |
| 88 | * Discussing the console's version of ''VideoGame/SplinterCell: Chaos Theory'' and its "slapdash 3Difying": |
| 89 | --> "I refuse to believe that no one at Ubisoft QA put their hand up at any point and said: 'Hey, isn't the sky supposed to be ''behind'' the sea?'" |
| 90 | * The [=3DSes=] of Yahtzee and his friend's don't recognize each other, making him assume that the other 3DS "just didn't want to associate with riffraff" because it had more Streetpass hits than his. Complete with the friend's 3DS turning its nose at Yahtzee's while wearing a top hat and holding a cane. |
| 91 | * Yahtzee's "What the hell is wrong with me?" moment when he reacts with joy at seeing a gathering of children in a park so that he could [[ItMakesSenseInContext leave little deposits in their pockets and butt bags]]. |
| 92 | * "COME ON IN! TAKE OFF YOUR COATS! HAVE A SEAT! Not in the big chair. I'm going to sit in that and gloat at you. (How about them Nintendogs, eh?)" |
| 93 | [[/folder]] |
| 94 | |
| 95 | [[folder:Portal 2]] |
| 96 | * The CreditsGag at the end of the review, set up at the start with "Early on, in my overpaid sequence of lucky breaks that only the most bitterly sarcastic observer would call a career..." |
| 97 | --> Sure was a nice career I almost had there. |
| 98 | * Yahtzee's history with the original ''{{VideoGame/Portal}}'' makes him a little hesitant to release a definitive statement on the sequel's quality. The result is almost two minutes of increasingly convoluted metaphors, until: |
| 99 | --> "Portal 1 was a big delicious jam doughnut with cream on top, and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepard's pie in the other, and- LOOK AT ME DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE! '''DANCEY, DANCEY, LA-DI-DAH'''"\ |
| 100 | ''[cue big "'''ALRIGHT'''"]'' |
| 101 | ** "''Portal'' is the only game I've been unable to fault in - it's like Ahab and Literature/MobyDick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people." ''[or an imp on a bucket in this case]'' |
| 102 | * The icing on the- ...[[LastSecondWordSwap French Fancy!]] |
| 103 | * Yahtzee talks about the complications with puzzles, depicted by Rubik's Cubes in this case: |
| 104 | -->"The attitude of ''Portal 2''[='=]s single-player is best summarized by two separate occasions within it when a puzzle is interrupted by a story section. You see, ''Portal 1'' was at heart a puzzle game with a really good framework. ''Portal'' 2 is a sight-seeing tour that begrudgingly has a puzzle game in it. The campaign is fit into three major puzzle sections broken up by connecting sequences, and by God, do some of those connecting sequences drag on. I hope you like playing 'hunt around this huge, detailed environment for the one solitary patch of portalable wall and move on to the next big fuck-off room.'" |
| 105 | * The conclusion: |
| 106 | -->"Whatever you take from this video, don't let it be that ''Portal 2'' isn't worth your time, because it most certainly is. Were it in any other position it would accumulate enough of my saliva to run all its household plumbing for several days. Unfortunately, ''Portal 2'' is in the uncomfortable position of necessarily having to be compared to ''Portal 1''. And taking both games as wholes, it can't possibly have the same impact. Certainly there's more of it, but that just makes it flabbier. And it's still funny, but more in a broader, custard pie to the face sense than in a finer, snooker cue to the bollocks sense. It's a quantity over quality issue. It's the difference between having a punnet containing three nice, plump cherries or one containing five nice, plump cherries and a handful of sawdust. You're either left wanting more or left with a mouth tasting like a pigeon's been roosting in it." |
| 107 | [[/folder]] |
| 108 | |
| 109 | [[folder:Castlevania: Symphony of the Night]] |
| 110 | * His description of the enemy variety: "Utterly nutterly butterly." |
| 111 | * "And if you're playing the XBLA version, on a widescreen TV, there'll be massive big pictures of Alucard and Dracula either side of the screen glaring at each other for the whole game like both are waiting for the other to own up to eating all of Mrs. Dracula's pies." (Mrs. Dracula is dead, by the way.) |
| 112 | * Toward the end of the review, Yahtzee calls the game "Skimpy Nightie", "Sexy Underpants", and "Dirty Knickers". |
| 113 | [[/folder]] |
| 114 | |
| 115 | [[folder:Mortal Kombat]] |
| 116 | * The review starts with Yahtzee trashing the game for its outdated graphics and lack of content… only to realize that he’s accidentally talking about the original game from 1992 instead of the newly released ninth installment with the exact same name. |
| 117 | * Commenting that the X-ray attacks indicate your character had a skeleton for a stepfather and they have some issues to work out. Said skeleton wears a hat, smokes a pipe, and asks "When is your useless son going to get a job?" |
| 118 | * Yahtzee proposes that, since most big fighting games these days are crossovers, there should just be one big fighting game crossing over every character from every franchise ever, and just update that every few months. |
| 119 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' If nothing else, it would silence a lot of drunken arguments. Who would win in a fight between [[Franchise/BackToTheFuture Marty [=McFly=]]] and the bloke from ''Series/QuantumLeap''? Why not debate this in the comments as a brief moment of reprice from your extremely important life? |
| 120 | [[/folder]] |
| 121 | |
| 122 | [[folder:Hunted: The Demon’s Forge]] |
| 123 | * The review starts with Yahtzee lamenting being unable to review ''VideoGame/DukeNukemForever'', ''VideoGame/Infamous2'', and the [=E3=] announcements due to his busy schedule. |
| 124 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' And I just know that the first comment on this video after all the usual ones saying “first” and immediately getting banned, will be someone requesting to know why I haven’t done ''Duke Nukem Forever'' within the twelve minutes since it came out. Not that I’m bitter, so here’s ''VideoGame/HuntedTheDemonsForge'', a shit game for twats. No really, I’m not bitter. Trust me when I say that ''Hunted'' needs no assistance from circumstance to come across as a shit game for twats. It could be the only distraction available in a house that’s slowly sinking into a lava flow and it’d still be a shit game for twats, because a non-twat would presumably move to another house. |
| 125 | [[/folder]] |
| 126 | |
| 127 | [[folder:Duke Nukem Forever (for real this time)]] |
| 128 | * The beginning of this video has Yahtzee feeling like a fool of himself since his joke "review": |
| 129 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Well, this will teach me not to open my big, fat cake socket. "There goes Old Man Yahtzee," cry the children of the village. "He's the chump who decided that just because ''VideoGame/DukeNukemForever'' hadn't come out in thirteen years and its developers had gone down the plughole that it was safe to make a joke review that hinged entirely on ''Duke Nukem Forever'' never actually seeing the light of day, but now it has and he has so much egg on his face that you could slap him with a frying pan and call him an omelette. Har har har." |
| 130 | ** To which Yahtzee replies: |
| 131 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' "That's quite a needlessly complicated chant you've got going on there, children of the village. But the point of my joke review, which I'm not surprised has slipped by your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome-addled minds, was not [='=]''Duke Nukem Forever'' will never be released' ''[cue the Yahtzee caricature opening his big Canada mouth like ''VideoGame/PacMan'' and going "[[FunetikAksent Dyook New Cum wheel neffer beeweeweesed]]"]'' but [='=]''Duke Nukem Forever'' probably ''should'' never be released,' ''[the word "should" replaces the word "wheel"]'' because nothing they produce could live up to thirteen years of anticipation. ''[cue the sleeping imp]'' Reality will always disappoint when compared to the things we can imagine, because everything I imagine has a set of massive tits that lactate creamed rice." Still, the actual ''Duke Nukem Forever'' of reality is certainly well-served in the tits department. |
| 132 | * Yahtzee saying he tries to go into reviews unbiased, and an imp whips out a Hammer of Lies, prompting Yahtzee to explain that he tries but [[VideoGame/SilentHill2 isn't always successful]]. |
| 133 | * This one: |
| 134 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I guess I want it to be good because that's how the story's supposed to end. ''[cue the Yahtzee avatar reading a book to an imp and saying, "And they all live happily ever after."]'' After fourteen years of sneering bullies making the ''Did Not Finish'' joke, the plucky, never-say-die ''Duke Nukem'' should finally turn around and silence those guffawing shits. ''[the ''Duke Nukem Forever'' game pops out of the roof of the 3D Realms house, goes "Aha!" and jumps down on top of the bullies, crushing them to a bloody pulp]'' Well, ''Duke Nukem'' has certainly put an end to all those jokes, if only because they're now more tragic than funny. ''[a girl goes up to the puddle of blood and says, "Daddy?"]'' |
| 135 | * The ending goes into BlackComedy: |
| 136 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''[as the scene cuts to the bearded Yahtzee trying to cut his beard with scissors]'' So, this is how the anticipation ends, people. First show of the long-awaited comeback tour and the singer's hanged himself on the microphone cord. But he's trying to sing anyway, forcing on a smile and choking out lyrics in between grotesque spasms, and you're wondering whether it's kinder to cut him down or swing on his legs to help him on his way. |
| 137 | [[/folder]] |
| 138 | |
| 139 | !! 2011, Quarter 3 |
| 140 | [[folder:Alice: Madness Returns]] |
| 141 | * "And then Alice promised never to tell her parents." |
| 142 | * The second mid-credit stinger. |
| 143 | --> Once I tried to seduce a girl by putting a Drink Me label around my knob, but she did something horrible with a cocktail umbrella... |
| 144 | * "What I'm saying is that I don't see ''Alice: The Madness Returns'' making [[{{Pun}} mad returns]], neh heh nyehh..." |
| 145 | [[/folder]] |
| 146 | |
| 147 | [[folder:Shadows of the Damned]] |
| 148 | * While talking about the development team, Yahtzee has a brief dialogue with the audience, whose words are accompanied by a slide whistle: |
| 149 | --> "The music's done by Music/AkiraYamaoka- |
| 150 | --> '''WHO?''' |
| 151 | --> "The guy who did the music for ''Franchise/SilentHill''." |
| 152 | --> '''WHAT'S THAT?''' |
| 153 | --> ''(frustrated)'' "A series with ''really good music.''" |
| 154 | --> '''OH.''' |
| 155 | * Also, "[[{{Creator/Suda51}} Suda]], bless his heart, has always had what you might call a long-distance relationship with normalcy." Accompanied by a representation of Suda running around in the background, holding a giant rubber duck over his head and screaming. |
| 156 | * "Oh ''there'' you are, Suda, you randy old bastard!" |
| 157 | ** This line comes at the culmination of the saga of "[[{{BFG}} Big]] [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything Boner]]". [[CrossesTheLineTwice To say anything more is to spoil it.]] |
| 158 | * "Attention, hardcore gamers. Stop chewing on that piece of wood and listen." |
| 159 | * "[''VideoGame/GodHand''] was another game that sailed out of Port Sensible on the ''HMS Quirky''." |
| 160 | [[/folder]] |
| 161 | |
| 162 | [[folder:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D]] |
| 163 | * He names Link "Fuck me", leading to a moment where Navi says "Fuck me, it's cold in here." |
| 164 | * From the same review, when he says that the N64 "showed you more affection as a child than your parents ever did", and the graphic is a dad whipping a spider at a little kid hugging his N64. |
| 165 | * "Even the final boss fight gave me no trouble at all, except when that fairy dipshit started thinking about her favorite fairy boners or something." |
| 166 | [[/folder]] |
| 167 | |
| 168 | [[folder:Call of Juarez: The Cartel]] |
| 169 | * Yahtzee's rage at the idiotic AI partners. |
| 170 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The game still introduces all that business of hidden agendas and warns you to get an extra special close eye on those crafty partners of yours, but the A.I. don't go after collectibles. They usually just stand there staring at you with gormless, uncomprehending eyes. They were also never programmed to drive, so in the occasional vehicle section if you perhaps would rather take riding shotgun to its literal heart, then fuck you and your haughty airs. The A.I. will pile into the backseat without a word and just look at you like a dog with its leash in its mouth. And as I said, they can't aim for shit. But after you've single-handedly cleared out an entire room, they'll unfailingly say the one of their four or five endlessly repeated lines that goes "You don't have to do this all by yourself, you know!" '''''There is no middle finger big enough!''''' |
| 171 | * Also, "But before Guatemala can start getting worried, the US government sets up a special task force to take down the cartel, a coalition of FBI, DEA, LAPD... uh... Creator/{{BBC}}, TCP/IP, [[FunWithAcronyms LOL...]]" |
| 172 | ** His [[GeniusBonus description]] of the [[DysfunctionJunction three main characters]] as getting along "like three [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_of_Borgia Borgias]] in a hessian sack". |
| 173 | * "While [[TheCynic I need no convincing]] that [[HumansAreBastards players enjoy dicking each other]], that doesn't usually apply in co-op except when [[{{Griefer}} absolute fucking twats]] are involved." |
| 174 | [[/folder]] |
| 175 | |
| 176 | [[folder:Bastion and From Dust]] |
| 177 | * The beginning: |
| 178 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I always feel around this time of year that playing nothing but AAA mainstream games is like [[Film/SuperSizeMe eating McDonalds for every meal of the day]], and my mental equivalent of my intestinal tract is about ready to slither up my throat, pop out my mouth, and go look for food on its own. ''['''Intestinal tract:''' I'm off.]'' |
| 179 | * Yahtzee keeps calling ''VideoGame/{{Bastion}}'' [[AccidentalMisnaming "Sebastian" or "The Bastion"]]. |
| 180 | ** "[''Bastion''] is a 2D, isometric, hacky-slashy but also [[BuffySpeak long-rangy fighty clustery mobby thing]]." ''[cue a cluster of imps ganging up on the game]'' |
| 181 | * "Your task is to assist in the construction of a floating stronghold from which a new society could be formed by going to missions and murdering everything that moves, ''[cue the protagonist slicing an imp in half]'' as well as quite a few things that don't move, too. The environments are absolutely littered with clashing terrain, enemies, ''[portrayed by imps]'' and destructible furniture, and together with the isometric viewpoint - which is to confusing perspective what the Thames was to cholera - it all looks a bit of a mess - which is, funnily enough, something else people say about the Thames." |
| 182 | * Story + Gameplay = [[{{Portmanteau}} "Stogamryplay"]] |
| 183 | * Without interrupting gameplay - much - the story is told by an ongoing and disturbingly sexy narration by someone who appears to have replaced his lungs with two chocolate profiteroles. |
| 184 | -->"Aww yeah, that boy found a big old w--" |
| 185 | * "That said, if you are going to have two endings based on the last decision we make in the game, ''[Yahtzee comes to the fork between Pepsi and Coca-Cola]'' for fuck's sake put a save point before it, because I've now got the entire last mission of the game stuck in my head like it's "Oh, What a Night" by The Four Seasons." |
| 186 | * Yahtzee talks about Eric Chahi, the creator of ''VideoGame/FromDust'': |
| 187 | -->"...those of you who weren't testicle spelunkers in the early '90s may remember him as the developer behind the groundbreaking and atmospheric ''VideoGame/AnotherWorld'' (that's ''Out of This World'' if your country is dumb), but let's stop upsetting the children with references to the pre-Music/LadyGaga world." |
| 188 | * The conclusion: |
| 189 | -->"Of the two games herein discussed, I think I prefer Sebastian. He feels a bit richer and doesn't spend so much time rolling around in the dirt. But then again, we'll never find out if Sebastian gets better if you get bored and drop five hundred tons of molten stone on someone's conservatory." |
| 190 | * The end credits shows a muscleman imp on the beach with a male and female imp. As the muscleman imp moves away, male imp wears a mask, hammer, and shovel as he moves out. The muscleman imp goes to the female imp lying on the beach, when a dirt mound (shoveled by some male imp) drops on top of them, burying them both. |
| 191 | * "{{What if God|WasOneOfUs}} [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZEO1Lug25s were one of us]] and he had a big shovel?" |
| 192 | [[/folder]] |
| 193 | |
| 194 | [[folder:Catherine]] |
| 195 | * "...''Catherine'', a Japanese game centrally about the difficulties of relationships, such as unexpected pregnancy, the impetus of commitment, and being chased up an infinite staircase by a giant, monstrous girlfriend trying to eat you with her butt. Did I mention it's Japanese?" |
| 196 | * (Increasingly amused)"... there's a moral choice aspect where you answer questions based on [[NerdsAreVirgins your own substantial experience with relationships]] *stifled laughter* " |
| 197 | * The part in the video where the main character chooses Qatherine (an imp with a bow) over Catherine or Katherine (the two choices in the game). |
| 198 | ** Having asked if the two similar names will be confusing in dialogue, there's a scene that assigns the wrong personality to each K/Catherine. "I knew this would get confusing!" |
| 199 | ** Even better, the UpdatedRerelease of ''Catherine'', subtitled ''Full Body'', does actually feature a new character named Qatherine. |
| 200 | * "...like men are all direction-less tidal waves and women are all dykes built in the way of their raging flood. [[ThatCameOutWrong Blimey, what a badly worded metaphor]]." |
| 201 | ** "[[QuoteMine WOMEN ARE ALL DYKES]]" - Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw |
| 202 | * "Wait, what was I supposed to be fixing again? [[AttentionDeficitOohShiny OOH LOOK A PUPPY]]!" |
| 203 | * "I watched an anime once. Dude pulled a gun at the start of the episode, fired it at the end, and everything in between was angst! I wouldn't mind, but he missed!" |
| 204 | [[/folder]] |
| 205 | |
| 206 | [[folder:Red Faction: Armageddon]] |
| 207 | * '''T'''alentless '''H'''ateful '''Q'''ueers |
| 208 | * "After all, if a man previously of fluctuating but basically stable health suddenly suffered a massive coronary as all his arms and legs flew off, his doctor would probably want to talk about it." |
| 209 | -->''[the man's heart flies off of his chest before losing all his limbs in an explosion; imp doctor comes over and says "Christ!"]'' |
| 210 | * Describing the magnet gun: |
| 211 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Mind you, ''["Mind Dew"]'' I was a keen repeat customer to the magnet gun. This is a thing that lets you fire two hooks who are still in the first giddy weeks of being in passionate love with each other. ''[crescent moon hooks look at each other and kiss]'' So once they're both fired they speed towards each other as the music swells, bringing with them whatever terrain or enemy they happen to be attached to. ''[one hook drags in the imp on the left; the other drags in "a hard place" on the right]'' It's a sound strategy - and, perhaps more importantly, a right laugh - to make a targeted monster bounce up and down off a stucco ceiling like a salivating yo-yo, ''[imp gets shot by a magnet gun and bounces up and down the ceiling]'' but it has the same problem as the biscuit buildings in that it's just kind of ''there''. |
| 212 | * The conclusion: |
| 213 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Erm, not to dampen your sense of victory, Darius, mate, but why didn't you [fix the terraforming machine] ''three years ago right after it broke, '''[[PunctuatedPounding you dumb, bald twat!?]]''''' Forget what I said earlier: you feel as guilty as you fucking like. And you too, THQ. This game's plot is like an audiobook that someone left in their trouser pocket during the wash. ''[audiobook starts with, "[[Literature/ATaleOfTwoCities It was the best of ti]]--" before the words turn into [[TheUnintelligible a loud word scramble]]]'' |
| 214 | [[/folder]] |
| 215 | |
| 216 | [[folder:Deus Ex]] |
| 217 | * His explanation on how the same studio managed to put out both ''Daikatana'' and ''DeusEx'' in the same year. |
| 218 | --> "That may seem like incongruous behavior for a game developer, but the thing is, during Ion Storm's creation myth a bolt of magical lightning struck John Romero's hair and the fledgling Ion Storm was split into its good half and its evil half. The evil half was Ion Storm Dallas, which produced Daikatana and devoured children who refused to eat their vegetables, and the good half was Ion Storm Austin, which made Deus Ex and leaves chocolate buttons in the shoes of the good little boys and girls." |
| 219 | * His sarcastic jab at people who put all their skill points into [[UselessUsefulSkill swimming and poison resistance]] is funny enough, calling their brains "a permanent consolation prize," but his reasoning for why someone would do that is that they have to visit [[UsefulNotes/AustralianStatesAndTerritories Queensland]]. This is shown by splicing in a picture of a lovely beach, offset by a sign reading "BOX JELLYFISH / [[TheDreaded WATCH THE FUCK OUT]]." |
| 220 | * About the tranquilizer gun: |
| 221 | --> "It's supposed to be for stealthy no kill runs, but it just makes enemies run around screaming for five minutes before falling over, and that's not very tranquil. That's like inventing an antidepressant that makes people believe there's free money inside their wrists." |
| 222 | [[/folder]] |
| 223 | |
| 224 | [[folder:Deus Ex: Human Revolution]] |
| 225 | * "Since this is a prequel, Adam is presumably a precursor to the obsolete mechs from ''Deus Ex 1'', which seems odd because Adam's augs are all really sleek and Gunther Hermann looked like he'd spent a few years banging his head on the Large Hadron Collider." |
| 226 | * His description of the final boss as "the kind of nightmare Creator/PhilipKDick might have while being spooned by Creator/HRGiger", and the RunningGag of whipping vending machines at [=NPCs=]. |
| 227 | [[/folder]] |
| 228 | |
| 229 | [[folder:Driver: San Francisco]] |
| 230 | * The beginning of the review: |
| 231 | -->"Wanna hear something crazy? [[WordSaladHumor Titty fuck Labrador swimming up the nile.]] Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent? Creator/JuliaRoberts [[BlatantLies was once hospitalized for swallowing an entire vole.]] Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent and ''true''? ''VideoGame/DriverSanFrancisco'' may well end up in my top five of the year! |
| 232 | * "SERVE AND PROTECT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN." |
| 233 | ** "You may notice that when you exit your body the A.I. takes control of your vacated car, so it keeps chasing the baddies while you look for civilians to sacrifice to the god of head-on collisions. 'Serve and protect,' etc. It's hard not to look at that sort of thing and say 'Hey, I'm not entirely convinced you guys really need me here. I'm just gonna go get a sandwich, you want anything?'" |
| 234 | * "He's in pursuit of a crimelord who's out to steal Christmas from the orphans, or something. [[ExcusePlot It's not important]]." |
| 235 | * "Yes, it kind of is so fucking goofy that Disney would file a restraining order, but..." |
| 236 | * The sarcastic, [[VisualPun white-bread]] hero saying "I guess I'm well-bread" and the well-written NPC saying "Looks like I'm bread for success." |
| 237 | * About the out-of-body experiences: |
| 238 | -->"Of course, astrally projecting is so easy that you have to be careful not to get confused and press what you think is the handbrake button only to be ghost catapulted into a tree to watch yourself spin out into a [[{{Pun}} cattery]]." ''[[[VisualPun Complete with a]] CuteKitten.]'' |
| 239 | * "There's also rather obnoxious rubberbanding at times - ha-HA! yes, I can swing the driving game lingo now! - to the point that most of what you do during a race doesn't amount to shit until the last few checkpoints. Once, I was in last place and spun out two checkpoints before the end, so I decided to wait sulkily by the side of the road until the mission failed and I could restart. But it didn't fail. All my fucking opponents parked around the next bend waiting for me to catch up for a halfway exciting finish, the condescending gits." |
| 240 | -->'''Imp:''' Where's he gone? |
| 241 | * The end credits in which a spirit possesses a food truck driver, who gets out of the truck and eats himself fat; then when his astral projection tries to get out of his fat body, he notices that his fat spirit is overweight and falls to the ground. |
| 242 | [[/folder]] |
| 243 | |
| 244 | [[folder:Dead Island]] |
| 245 | * The beginning: |
| 246 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' One day I'm going to make a zombie game of my very own. It will be an apocalyptic survival game in which you and a small group of desperate survivors with complementary skills must navigate a deserted city without being crushed under an avalanche of zombie games, movies, and reinterpretations of classic literature. I'll call it ''Enough with the Fucking Zombies Already''. ''[game title says, [[GoshDangItToHeck "Enough with the Danging Zombies Already"]], with the word "Resurrection" covering "Already"]'' |
| 247 | * About trailers: |
| 248 | -->"''Dead Island'' is a wonderful case for why you should never watch trailers, as if we needed one. It generated positive buzz from its very well-directed first trailer, but since it was pre-rendered we should all have twigged then that it might as well have been a random episode of ''WesternAnimation/DangerMouse'' for all it told us about the actual game. Unless it was proposing to be some kind of "throw small children out of windows in reverse slow-motion" simulator, ''[a boy imp gets thrown out the window]'' which on reflection I would totally buy." ''[the game arrives wearing a sombrero and going "Arriba!"]'' |
| 249 | * "So, here's a sneak peak to the soundtrack to a lot of ''Dead Island'': 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'SPLAT!'" |
| 250 | * The Yahtzee sprite finding out he's on "Bread Island" in the stinger. |
| 251 | * "Honestly, at this point you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Series/{{D|octorWho}}aleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam, you'll have to make papier-mâché zombie facsimiles just to get through the day." |
| 252 | ** [[HilariousInHindsight Yahtzee would later publish]] a book about Literature/{{jam}} causing the apocalypse, and was presumably already writing it. |
| 253 | ** And his image for the Daleks is [[SpecialEffectFailure toilet plungers strapped to two trash cans]]. |
| 254 | * "You'll spend a lot of time standing over a pile of dead bodies ''[resembling imps]'' frantically doing the can-can until they stop moving." |
| 255 | * About melee attacks: |
| 256 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ...as many games have done before, we fail to realize that melee-focused first-person combat only worked in ''VideoGame/{{Condemned|CriminalOrigins}}'' because you were usually restricted to fighting one down-on-his-luck pauper at a time, and drunkenly flailing your way out of a dogpile of screaming fast zombies ''[imps gang up on the Yahtzee avatar]'' gets very confusing and very frustrating ''[scene cuts to Yahtzee with a controller on his neck and holding his real head]'' when half of them seem to be attacking you from inside your own torso. ''[imp flies out of Yahtzee's waist]'' "Frustrating" really is the word, especially when they wheel out the big lads ''[resembling a muscleman imp]'' who knock you on your arse if they so much as brush dandruff off your shoulder. |
| 257 | * "When you have fifteen quest givers all packed together in the same survivor shelter so the minimap has more exclamation marks than a comic book series intended to raise awareness of Tourette's syndrome, ''[comic book yells out "Ass"]'' I get major sidequest exhaustion." List of things on Yahtzee's back: |
| 258 | -->Put a thing on\ |
| 259 | top of another thing\ |
| 260 | Sleep on it\ |
| 261 | Drive to a nuneaton\ |
| 262 | Lick a window\ |
| 263 | Pull the crackers\ |
| 264 | [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Fill 30 cum buckets]]\ |
| 265 | [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Wipe my arse]] |
| 266 | * About the escort quests: |
| 267 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Characters you have to escort don't follow you; they run on ahead and have a curious blind spot to vehicles. I swear, more than once I found myself driving a car very slowly alongside an escort character on foot, saying "Hey, uh, more power to you for getting your cardio, but you probably wouldn't be picking so much of yourself out of other people's teeth if you got in the fucking car. ''[imp chews on the escort character]'' Please? You can pick the radio station?" They also [[SuicidalOverconfidence vastly overestimate their chances]] against the zombies and will charge in swinging a bit of twig like they're fucking Franchise/{{Zorro}}. |
| 268 | * "So, to conclude my arguments..." |
| 269 | [[/folder]] |
| 270 | |
| 271 | [[folder:Resistance 3]] |
| 272 | * His surprise that the game isn't a cover-based FPS, lets you carry more than two weapons and doesn't have regenerating health. He sounds genuinely taken aback. |
| 273 | --> "Um... Sony, are you alright?" |
| 274 | ** The part leading up to it was no slouch either: |
| 275 | -->So here we go, another bloody [[RealIsBrown brown]] shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics, and regenerating health...wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, ''VideoGame/{{Resistance}} 3'' does not have regenerating health! [[UnusualEuphemism Holy bum nuggets]], I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at onc - I can carry ten weapons at once. [[DidntSeeThatComing Huh]]. And there's a FreezeRay and a [[LightningGun lightning rod]] and something I like to call the Music/JimiHendrix Experience because it makes people [[CrossesTheLineTwice puke themselves to death]]. |
| 276 | ** His over-the-top analysis which causes him to jokingly believe they ripped off ''Half Life 2''. |
| 277 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' The overarching plot is really just a weak framing device for a handful of different encounters along the course of a post-apocalyptic road trip, such as the nighttime chapter set in a slightly nonlinear abandoned coal-mining town infested with the undead, during which you team up with the town's slightly mad priest and... [[EurekaMoment wait a shotgun-cocking second!]] That's a word-for-word description of Ravenholm from ''Half-Life 2'', [[FamilyUnfriendlyViolence except you can't fire circular sawblades at people or drop cars on their heads]], [[RefugeInAudacity so what's the bloody point]]? And then there's the fact that the climax involves the destruction of an alien control tower in the middle of a conquered city that's creating a wormhole to alien space on top of it, which was how ''Half-Life 2: Episode 1'' ended.\ |
| 278 | Now I think about it, fighting techno-soldier ex-humans converted by a nebulous alien agenda smacks more than a little of ''Half-Life 2's'' Combine - wha, Combine? Chimera? [[ContrivedCoincidence They both start with C and have seven letters!]] That can't be a coincidence. [[InsaneTrollLogic And look, Insomniac Games! If you rearrange the letters ("Amassing Income"), lose some of them and add a few more, you get "We Want To Be Valve!"]] Look at it from the right angle and suddenly it all becomes clear, like one of those 3D Magic Eye pictures. In the developer credits at the end, Insomniac Games just has a list of names with no job titles like Animator or Environment Jizzmopper, the same way Valve does credits. [[Film/SilenceOfTheLambs What is it about this that's making me picture Buffalo Bill swaning about with his landing gear stowed?]]\ |
| 279 | Well, you know what, great. You're gonna copy someone, copy Valve; I love those guys. But when I say that, I mean copy their methods. Don't highlight large sections of ''Raising the Bar'' and Ctrl-C Ctrl-V it into your design doc. A rather awkward question comes to mind: all that nonregenerating health, ten weapon slot, non-cover based shooting malarkey that earns the gameplay a pass -- is that all there because you thought it'd be fun or because it's what ''Half-Life 2'' did? Maybe I'm not giving Resistance 3 enough credit. It's not like it's ''totally'' wearing a ''Half-Life 2'' [[GenuineHumanHide skin suit]]. There are bits where they rip off ''VideoGame/Metro2033'' instead - '''''No, bad Yahtzee'''''!\ |
| 280 | Giving the benefit of the doubt, ''Resistance 3'' is very solid and well worth a -- wait a minute! ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking The scientist has a beard!]]'' [[DisposingOfABody What did you do with the rest of the body, Insomniac?!]] |
| 281 | [[/folder]] |
| 282 | |
| 283 | !! 2011, Quarter 4 |
| 284 | [[folder:Kinect]] |
| 285 | * Yahtzee explains why he bought a Kinect: |
| 286 | -->"Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour [an imp is seen [[DesecratingTheDead urinating on Galileo's corpse]]] so what I'm basically saying is that I'm basically like the Pope." |
| 287 | [[/folder]] |
| 288 | |
| 289 | [[folder:Batman: Arkham City]] |
| 290 | * Bruce Wayne is depicted with the words "[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Not Batman]]" written on his chest. |
| 291 | * "[Catwoman's] also a lot less fun to explore the city with, because instead of glidy wings and hookshots her method of getting around is to whip onto the tops of buildings and then smash straight into a wall. Then she has to hop her way up the wall in a sort of 'No, really, I meant to do that' kind of way, leaving another bloody imprint of her increasingly two-dimensional face to congeal on the brickwork. She also has her own Riddler trophies to gather, so I guess the Riddler feels he has to prove that he's smarter than her, too. But if the Riddler is sitting with his feet up watching the security cameras with a question mark-themed mug of milky tea while Catwoman is out headbutting masonry and picking up his litter, I think it's pretty self-evident who's smarter." |
| 292 | * He sums up how Detective Mode looks with "[[Film/JasonAndTheArgonauts Batman and the Argonauts]]". |
| 293 | [[/folder]] |
| 294 | |
| 295 | [[folder:Battlefield 3]] |
| 296 | * Explaining the box art of the ''Battlefield'' series and other shooter games: |
| 297 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The cover of ''VideoGame/BattlefieldBadCompany2'' experimented with a groundbreaking image depicting a slowly walking soldier with a big orange smear all down his front like he had an accident with a lasagna, imagery so striking they've used exactly the same thing for Battlefield 3. Only now he's walking away from a city, as if to say "I am never going to that restaurant again!" ''[a "Tom's" sign appears over a restaurant, kind of a nod to "Tom's Diner" by Music/SuzanneVega]'' |
| 298 | * "Anyway, the modern realistic shooter random villain generator today landed on terrorists, with Russians in the secondary villain roll and a nuke as the principle MacGuffin..." Yahtzee compares that to the six-sided die roll on one side as follows: |
| 299 | # Ruskies |
| 300 | # [=PMCs=] |
| 301 | # Rouge general |
| 302 | # [[YellowPeril Slant-eyes]] |
| 303 | # Terrorists |
| 304 | # ComicBook/TheJoker |
| 305 | ** ...followed by another six-sided die roll on the other: |
| 306 | ## Small nukes |
| 307 | ## Big nukes |
| 308 | ## Intel on nukes |
| 309 | ## Nuke stockpile |
| 310 | ## Nuke launcher |
| 311 | ## [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Kennedy assassination]] |
| 312 | * "[''Battlefield 3'' has] got more pop-in than a warehouse full of jam jar lids." ''[imp jumps upside-down with a "pop" over the jam jar lids]'' |
| 313 | * Yahtzee talks about his pet peeve in the game, the Quick Time Events: |
| 314 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' For an all too brief, happy time, I thought I'd achieved at least one thing in my life ''[a happy Yahtzee is sitting at the desk under a rainbow with a thought balloon of a Yahtzee statue that says "PressXToNotDie. He Saved Us All."]'' in communicating that [=QTEs=] are gameplay design at its absolute worst because they're essentially the same as pressing the unpause button on a DVD remote ''[an imp with a knife jumps to attack Yahtzee, frightening him while a finger presses the unpause button]'' except you have to rewind the film five or ten minutes if you don't do it fast enough. But never let it be said that EA have ever allowed themselves be bossed around by common sense. Except ''Battlefield 3''[='=]s [=QTEs=] are often that variety that's somehow even worse gameplay design, where there's a rather insultingly generous time limit on pressing the button. ''[the same imp with a knife hanging on a string jumps in to attack Yahtzee while the game is asleep]'' So it's not even "press X to not die," it's "press X to continue whatever it was you were doing." ''["Press X to Not Die" changes to "Press X to Thumb War"]'' It often happens during scripted melee combat sequences, so your attacker will just repeatedly punch you in the face until you press the button to block him or point out an interestingly shaped cloud, although I might recommend holding off for an hour or two if you want to actually get some amusement out of all this. |
| 315 | ** And this one: |
| 316 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' On one occasion, the game instructed me to go to point B, but I hung around point A for a while - because I'm stubborn like that - and I started hearing ambient sound effects from point B, like the game had already assumed I'd obeyed like a good little drone. Then I had a game over during a chase sequence when I caught up with my pursuee too quickly, and the words "Game Over. You failed to catch Mr. Terrorist-Pants" faded in over the sequence of me catching Mr. Terrorist-Pants. |
| 317 | * The RunningGag of Yahtzee getting shot with bullet holes and dying, especially in the escort missions toward the end: |
| 318 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I had to escort a comrade with a wounded prisoner ''[portrayed by an imp]'' out of a building and be picked up by an Osprey outside, but it turned out the terrorists ''[portrayed by more imps with a "!" over their heads]'' were using the building for their annual bullet sampling party. And since m'colleague felt there was no better body armor than a mission-critical prisoner, I had to go out and shield them with the sturdier parts of my face. And then we got outside, fighting off terrorists as we went, and once he was inside the Osprey I ran out of cover to follow before bouncing off a big fat invisible wall at the bottom of the ramp and being turned into a bullet and combat gear burrito. "Escape not sufficiently exciting," went the game. "You must reach a minimum level of excitement before continuing." You must reach a minimum level of suck my cock, ''Battlefield 3''. |
| 319 | [[/folder]] |
| 320 | |
| 321 | [[folder:Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception]] |
| 322 | * Yahtzee begging for Drake to kill an American in a possible ''Uncharted 4'', so he can be assured that Drake [[{{Eagleland}} isn't the embodiment of America]] [[OneManArmy declaring a one-man war]] [[OmnicidalManiac on the entire world]] -- or at least an Australian, so he can finally find out if the game is deliberately trying to {{Troll}} him. |
| 323 | ** And the bit before this: |
| 324 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' But as much as I've joked that Nathan Drake is a one-man declaration of war by the United States upon the entire rest of humanity, I'd like to finally move past that. ({{beat}}) I'd ''like'' to, but I fucking can't, because now he's after ''me!'' |
| 325 | * Drake is shown walking along a cobble street into an English pub (entitled "The Cock and Balls"), and, as Yahtzee describes it, "with ''a motherfucking red phone box out front!''" ''(cue red phone box and an arrow with the words [[AC:The Fuck Is This]] pointing to it)'' |
| 326 | -->Now, I've always assumed that the foreign locales in previous games were at least researched to some degree, but now I'm forced to call that into question, because the equivalent of this would be walking into Central Park and seeing a load of Prohibition-era gangsters feeding the ducks by shooting bread out of tommy guns. |
| 327 | * Yahtzee thinks that Drake would be more admirable if he just admitted he was in it for the gold. |
| 328 | -->'''Drake:''' I want enough money to buy a concubine for every square inch of my cock.\ |
| 329 | '''Yahtzee:''' A whole three concubines, Drake? |
| 330 | * The assumption that Drake and Elena keep splitting up in-between games because they have little in common once the adrenaline rush wears off. Drake apparently enjoys watching ''[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Team Time Team]]'' and going to blackface minstrel shows. |
| 331 | * Noting how the enemies in the game have terrible survival instincts since they all choose to fight Drake in extremely dangerous situations where they really should be more concerned with their own safety: |
| 332 | --> "...enacting gun battles in collapsing buildings, sinking ships, dangling out the back of a plane, and on the surface of a flaming meteorite that's speeding towards a lion." |
| 333 | ** Also noting the use of LampshadeHanging, asking the idiocy of some points in the game, becoming ''especially'' glaring [[ElephantInTheRoom if they're never explained afterwards]]. |
| 334 | [[/folder]] |
| 335 | |
| 336 | [[folder:Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]] |
| 337 | * His reaction to the plot of the game when Russia somehow invades ''[[HollywoodTactics all of Europe at once]]'': |
| 338 | --> "Now, I've never invaded Europe, [[NoodleIncident except for that one time]], but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately." |
| 339 | ** His invasion of Europe is [[https://zeropunctuation.fandom.com/wiki/Call_of_Duty:_Modern_Warfare_3?file=Call_of_Duty_Modern_Warfare_3_2.png represented]] by him jumping out of a wheelie-bin onto a beach holding a sword, near a sign reading "Yurp". |
| 340 | * "The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, ''who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?!'' Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President -- you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children." |
| 341 | [[/folder]] |
| 342 | |
| 343 | [[folder:The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim]] |
| 344 | * "Well ''fuck you'', Ulfric Stormcloak, I don't have to help you wash your hairy bagpipes, I can breathe ''radioactive lasers!''" |
| 345 | * "Like this one undead lad who hit like a runaway ice cream van but who seemed to forget all about me whenever I left the room, so I ended up taking potshots from the door like the world's worst Jehovah's Witness." |
| 346 | * "Oh yes, and take my advice: get a horse. The horses in Skyrim just do not ''give a fuck.'' If there's anything in a half-mile radius that means you harm your horse will not rest until it has been powdered." |
| 347 | * "Oooh, look at [[Series/TheApprentice Sir Alan Sugar]] over there, he's too rich and important to adventure properly. Would you like to skip to the ending cutscene because you have to go and buy a new aeroplane before the shop's shut?" |
| 348 | * "But having spent so many weeks getting forced down corridors of every size and shape like the last bit of toothpaste in a tube being manipulated by the flabby, uncoordinated hands of a fat prick, getting yelled at because one of the many specks I haven't fired bullets at yet is holding another speck that can fire rockets, I was exactly in the right mood to get out in the open, feel the wind in my hair and the rolling epic landscape beneath my feet. So to that end, I stopped playing video games and left the house. Ha, not fucking likely!" |
| 349 | * "Ëven the all-powerful, world-ending Godzillas are surprisingly easy to outsmart by positioning a large rock between you and it. I can never quite be free of cover-based combat, can I, current-generation gaming?" |
| 350 | [[/folder]] |
| 351 | |
| 352 | [[folder:Saints Row: The Third]] |
| 353 | * Yahtzee laments the lack of a socks option for customizable clothing. "So I can no longer wear fishnets under a sensible business suit and role-play as a [[UsefulNotes/BritishPoliticalSystem Conservative MP]]." |
| 354 | [[/folder]] |
| 355 | |
| 356 | [[folder:The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword]] |
| 357 | * When he's describing the [[CaptainObvious annoying]] fairy sidekick: "You suck a man's cock — Bing! 'Link, I have calculated that you are sucking a man's cock! There is a 70% chance that you should now cradle his balls!'" Which is made even funnier by how the censor bar says "[[MemeticMutation Hey! Listen]]" on it. |
| 358 | * "I found a {{plot hole}}! ''NUUUUUUURSE!!''" |
| 359 | * On the padding: |
| 360 | -->"First you prove yourself for the Master Sword, then you prove your worth for the three sacred flames, and then prove your worth a few more times for the song of the hero. If I were Link, I would throw the sword down and yell: 'Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?!' I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house, and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes!" |
| 361 | * The ending: |
| 362 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ...''Skyward Sword'' is the worst Zelda game I've ever played. I mean, two of the dungeons just end with a generic boss fight with a recurring baddie, and you don't even defeat him with an item you found in the same dungeon. That's breaking the Zelda rule!\ |
| 363 | '''List:''' 1. Defeat the boss with the item from the same dungeon\ |
| 364 | 2. Your starting wallet can't hold money for shit\ |
| 365 | 3. Link is left handed except on the Wii\ |
| 366 | '''Yahtzee:''' I'm pretty sure that means the developers must report to Shigeru Miyamoto's office, kneel on a Wii Fit board, and [[{{Seppuku}} honorably disembowel themselves with a tennis racket attachment]]. |
| 367 | [[/folder]] |
| 368 | |
| 369 | ! 2012 Episodes |
| 370 | !! 2012, Quarter 1 |
| 371 | [[folder:Top 5 of 2011]] |
| 372 | * The intro descriptions of the rankings accompanied by [[SugarWiki/MostWonderfulSound appropriate]] [[ToiletHumour sound effects]] are funny enough, but the crowners are the third worst: "[[PottyFailure Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over]]" followed immediately by the second best: "Shitting the bed while your girlfriend is over [[ConvenientlyCommonKink and discovering she's into that]]". |
| 373 | * Comparing the worst game (or rather, games) of the year to "being cockslapped by your own herniated bowel." |
| 374 | * "Oh, happy new year, by the way." |
| 375 | [[/folder]] |
| 376 | |
| 377 | [[folder:Super Mario 3D Land & Rayman Origins]] |
| 378 | * "Rayman is a character Ubisoft have never really known what to do with. Never quite breaking out popularity-wise [[HypocriticalHumor because honestly, who could like a character whose hands and feet have no visible connection to their torso?]]" |
| 379 | * He liked ''VideoGame/RaymanOrigins'', but didn't like ''VideoGame/SuperMario3DLand'', causing Yahtzee's criticism to eventually devolve into "Aaah..." and "Grrr!", respectively (ending in a series of them: "[[MoodWhiplash Aaah... Grrr! Aaah... Grrr!]]"). |
| 380 | * TheStinger where Yahtzee's ball arm is pulled away like in Rayman and the space between himself and the extended arm is cut with a pair of scissors. Cue blood and screaming. |
| 381 | [[/folder]] |
| 382 | |
| 383 | [[folder:Sonic Generations]] |
| 384 | * His reaction to the inclusion of [[VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog2006 Crisis City]]: |
| 385 | -->I mean, there's no way of making a game like this without coming across as self-congratulatory, but it wouldn't matter so much if you're congratulating yourself for something ''good''. I'd have thought Sonic Team would want us to forget about ''Sonic 2006''. Nobody liked ''Sonic 2006''. If you think you did, you're wrong! It's like saying you enjoy listening to someone singing completely out of tune or reading a book whose pages are covered in brown sauce; I know it's your opinion, but your opinion is just wrong. And yet, here it is, presented unironically in this alleged celebration of Sonic's greatest moments. If I were a diplomat, I'd call it "misplaced conceit." But I'm not, so I'll call it "frothing, bug-eyed self-delusion." |
| 386 | * "Any celebration of Sonic at this point is like breast-feeding a 17-year old: extremely too late. And it would probably get you thrown out of a restaurant." |
| 387 | * "But lest you accuse the game of putting them in for fanservice - although I'd hate to think what kind of fan was baying for a return appearance of [[TheScrappy Charmy the fucking Bee]]." |
| 388 | [[/folder]] |
| 389 | |
| 390 | [[folder:Star Wars: The Old Republic]] |
| 391 | * "So this is why they call him [[{{Pun}} Han Solo!]]" |
| 392 | [[/folder]] |
| 393 | |
| 394 | [[folder:Amy]] |
| 395 | * "But I'm afraid I couldn't find any XBLA games that could be meaningfully linked to ''Amy'', because there aren't any games about making your way down a corridor dragging a large steel safe chained to a metal ring around your throat, or [[NauseaFuel any games about smashing your head into a septic tank until blood and shit runs down your face into your screaming mouth and down your throat until you choke and puke and it all comes out your nostrils]]." |
| 396 | * "Basically, what I'm saying is it isn't very good. Did that come across?! '''IT ISN'T VERY GOOD!'''" |
| 397 | * "Using the word "escort" to describe core gameplay is like using the words "bloody and viscous" to describe a [[{{Squick}} urine sample]]..." |
| 398 | * ''Amy'' in general is one of his better recent reviews. Like ''VideoGame/HaloWars'' which was mentioned before, he ''really'' dislikes this one, and truly shitty games seem to bring out the best in him. |
| 399 | -->"Aww, I'm sorry the monster-infested post-apocalyptic death city wasn't providing quite enough stimulation for you, sweetheart. I know where there's never a dull moment: '''''my fucking S-bend!'''''" |
| 400 | * "The thing about SurvivalHorror is that it's okay to hamper the player with shitty controls as long as it goes towards creating the sense of vulnerability you're supposed to have. I mean, Alex from ''VideoGame/SilentHillHomecoming'' rolling around the misty streets like Sonic the fucking Hedgehog was just dumb!" |
| 401 | * "I find that 'I will die of an indistinct infection if I don't remain physically close to preteen girls' rarely goes down well in court." |
| 402 | * "At least the game's fairly well optimized! '''''FOR BIZARRO WORLD!'''''" |
| 403 | * Come the start of 2020, he disproves his credits description of "Fortunately, he will never breed". |
| 404 | [[/folder]] |
| 405 | |
| 406 | [[folder:Resident Evil: Revelations]] |
| 407 | * Yahtzee provides one of his all-time greatest (albeit most deranged) metaphors when he opens the review bemoaning the recent crop of major AAA game releases he has to pick from, writing off ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIII2'' as "another installment of the video gaming equivalent of a chorus line of parrots on an electrified wire being slowly lowered into a carnivorous miniskirt." |
| 408 | * He was also particularly unimpressed with Jessica Sherawat's costume. |
| 409 | -->When I first saw her wet weather gear, I had to run my in-game scanning device over her to make sure she hadn't contracted some kind of infection from air kissing Jean Paul Gaultier. It's some kind of purple-striped wetsuit with one leg cut off, a skintight balaclava, and an Elizabethan collar. We have a uniform, lady, because in these games usual policy is to ''shoot the things that look retarded.'' |
| 410 | * "I also have a problem with the dodge mechanic, in that [[GuideDangIt how it's supposed to work is vague at best]]. Sometimes my character'd nimbly sidestep a blow and sometimes their ass would get played like the bongos. I checked the manual, which said to "use the analog stick as you're about to be hit." "Use it," eh? [[SarcasmMode Thanks. Have you guys considered writing bomb defusal manuals? "Step one: use your hands. Step two: Also maybe some pliers."]]" |
| 411 | [[/folder]] |
| 412 | |
| 413 | [[folder:Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning]] |
| 414 | * Yahtzee opens the review with admitting that he can't speak for everyone... at least not until "The Device" is completed. |
| 415 | * "''Franchise/MassEffect'' brought us [[DiscountLesbians a race of all-female bisexuals]] who are culturally obliged to bang anything that moves, [[CovertPervert and you wonder why I prefer sci-fi these days.]]" |
| 416 | * Yahtzee's complaint about how fantasy games "seem to require that you learn a second language". |
| 417 | -->"The Tuatha are engaged in a conflict with the Seeli-Fae and the Jutton in the land of Knick-Knack-Knocky and Bingly-Bongly-Boo! |
| 418 | [[/folder]] |
| 419 | |
| 420 | [[folder:[=NeverDead=]]] |
| 421 | * The description of bad video games at the beginning is so very hilarious. |
| 422 | * The [[BlackComedy sack analogies]]. And then the third developer pops out of a pillow fort. |
| 423 | --> "You know what I hate? '''[[BerserkButton YOU NOT BEING]] [[AxCrazy IN THIS FUCKING SACK RIGHT NOW]]!'''" |
| 424 | * Bryce losing his limbs or getting them knocked off by imps. This is even more hilarious in the end credits where Bryce and the imp do a head swap for pretty good results. |
| 425 | [[/folder]] |
| 426 | |
| 427 | !! 2012, Quarter 2 |
| 428 | [[folder:Yakuza: Dead Souls]] |
| 429 | * In his review he comments that it is effectively an ExpansionPack of ''Yakuza 4'' and that "even putting Creator/BrianBlessed in there as an optional boss fight" can't make him overlook that fact. The image is of one of Yahtzee's stick-people looking at a stick-Brian with [[http://www.unrealitytv.co.uk/im-a-celebrity/brian-blessed-for-im-a-celebrity-2009/ this face]], who proceeds to manifest [[RedEyesTakeWarning Red]] GlowingEyesOfDoom and [[BreathWeapon fire a laser from his mouth]] while the hapless anonymous stick person desperately ducks under it. Hilarious as a visual, even funnier to consider what a boss fight ''against'' Creator/BrianBlessed must be like. Besides [[NoIndoorVoice loud]] and [[LargeHam full of ham]], naturally. |
| 430 | * "Fuck yes, it's Akiyama again. I love his horrible mauve blazer, and now he's dual-wielding custom pistols like a boss. I just want to take him home and mount him to my kitchen wall so my kids will have an appropriate role model to look at over their Honey Nut Cheerios every morning." |
| 431 | [[/folder]] |
| 432 | |
| 433 | [[folder:Ninja Gaiden 3]] |
| 434 | * The first few lines of his review: |
| 435 | --> "You know, being the leader of an evil ninja clan... oops. Shit! Um, forget I said that, I'll start again. *ahem* ''[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial If]]'' I were the head of an evil ninja clan..." |
| 436 | [[/folder]] |
| 437 | |
| 438 | [[folder:Fez and I Am Alive]] |
| 439 | * "If indie games were a country, ''Fez'' would be the ki--well, ''VideoGame/CaveStory'' would be the king, but it would be unwise to appoint ''Fez'' as the grand vizier, I'll tell you that." |
| 440 | [[/folder]] |
| 441 | |
| 442 | [[folder:Prototype 2]] |
| 443 | * Five words: '''FUCK AROUNDY MAKEY SUPER MURDER''' |
| 444 | * Yahtzee wonders where all the AlwaysChaoticEvil humans are all being recruited from en mass. "Possibly Liverpool?" |
| 445 | [[/folder]] |
| 446 | |
| 447 | [[folder:Risen 2: Dark Waters]] |
| 448 | * The entire epilogue video, as a DJ to [[VideoGame/HalfLife Black Mesa]]. |
| 449 | --> "You're listening to Black Mesa Research Facility Internal Broadcasting Friday Morning Drive Time Fun Slot, playing the hits while you play God!" |
| 450 | ** "To Security Officer Calhoun outside [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Sector 7-G]]: Stop banging on the door, we know you're out there, we just don't like you." |
| 451 | * From the review proper: "If you're making Dark Waters, you should probably go see a doctor about that." |
| 452 | * "Suddenly, that wasn't the only thing that had risen. Dick joke swing, and a miss!" |
| 453 | [[/folder]] |
| 454 | |
| 455 | [[folder:Sniper Elite [=V2=]]] |
| 456 | * "It would be nice if you could tag enemies while looking at through the sniper scope, instead of hurriedly switching between scope and binoculars like a badger-watcher with anger-management issues..." |
| 457 | --> '''Yahtzee's Avatar:''' '''YOU STRIPEY ''FUCK!!!''''' [gets dragged away by an imp] |
| 458 | * He realizes that he has nobody's word on the chain of events but the protagonist... and proceeds to go wild. |
| 459 | * At the start, Yahtzee notes how ironic it is that a game about fighting ThoseWackyNazis was actually a welcome relief from all the modern, [[UsefulNotes/TheWarOnTerror War on Terror]] era "[[RealIsBrown realistic]]" shooters plaguing the game industry, especially ones [[MakeTheBearAngryAgain fighting Russians]], [[WhyWereBummedCommunismFell as if wishing the Cold War had boiled over into]] WorldWarThree. [[TemptingFate Then he starts to explain the plot...]] |
| 460 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' "...your task is to assassinate a bunch of German V2 rocket scientists before [[EnemyExchangeProgram they can be enlisted by]] [[DirtyCommunists the dirty Russians-]] '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!]]''''' Could we at least leave off the fucking UsefulNotes/ColdWar until we're finished with the [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarTwo hot one?]]" |
| 461 | * He admits that he's simultaneously satisfied and ashamed of the XRayVision mechanic, just like how he feels after jerking off to a Franchise/DisneyPrincess, with his AuthorAvatar looking at [[WesternAnimation/TheLittleMermaid1989 Ariel]] while [[CrossesTheLineTwice sniffing a fish]]. |
| 462 | [[/folder]] |
| 463 | |
| 464 | [[folder:Dragon's Dogma]] |
| 465 | * The entire mulitplayer part of the review, as Yahtzee has a disturbing realisation. |
| 466 | -->But Dragon's Dogma does have one major unique mechanic that deserves a close examination. It's, um...well, do you remember Website/{{Neopets}}? It's kind of like that but with slavery. As part of the introductory missions, you have to generate a primary NPC sidekick in the same way you made yourself: class, race, appearance, favorite Spice Girl, etc. But for adventuring purposes, you can also enlist two additional sidekicks who are the main sidekicks of other players elsewhere in the world. You go into a little connecting universe where a sampling of available hired hands swan about trying to catch your eye, you go over to the ones you like, look at their equipment, check their teeth, bob their scrotums, and if you're happy take them adventuring with you. When you're finished with them, you give them a little present and send them back to their owner with a fond slap on the bum. You even have to rate them like you're filling in the timesheet for the temp agency. It creates motivation to make sure that your sidekick has the best equipment and skills and looks good in tights so they'll be more likely to get hired by other players, acquire experience, bring you back presents, and... ''[[ExplainExplainOhCrap wait a minute!]]'' '''[[FridgeHorror Am I pimping?!]]''' |
| 467 | ** "Once that thought occurred to me, I just couldn't shake it off. It didn't help that I deliberately designed my sidekick to juxtapose my protagonist, making him a long-haired, blond, petite young white boy with rosy cheeks and pouty lips, or the way he'd come back from his temp jobs timidly asking if he'd done a good job and clutching a really, really nice present that haunted me as I tried to picture what kind of service had earned it." |
| 468 | --->''The onscreen image depicts Yahtzee's [[PlayerCharacter Arisen]] being given a large diamond by his Pawn and then sniffing it as the Pawn walks offscreen'' |
| 469 | ** But by far the high point is his reaction to the "pawn" handwave. |
| 470 | --->''"No, it's all right," says the game. "They're not actually intelligent, free willed human beings. They're pawns, a sort of magical slave race who look a lot like humans but actually don't have minds of their own." Oh, even better. [[UnfortunateImplications Now we're pimping the mentally sub-normal]]!'' |
| 471 | * Also his critique of the pawns' [[ArtificialStupidity relative intelligence level]]: |
| 472 | -->'''Pawn:''' We could get a good view from the top of that tower!\ |
| 473 | '''Yahtzee:''' I ''know'' we could, asshole! You know ''how'' I know? Because I was ''just'' on the top of that tower, ''and so were you''! |
| 474 | * Complaining that Capcom's main writing asset is "one bloke's daughter's [=MadLib=] collection" and the accompanying animation showing that Yahtzee still remembers Resident Evil 4: |
| 475 | --> And then they met a [-MIDGET-]\ |
| 476 | who dressed like [-NAPOLEON-]\ |
| 477 | and spoke like [-SPEEDY GONZALES-] |
| 478 | [[/folder]] |
| 479 | |
| 480 | [[folder:[=E3=] 2012]] |
| 481 | * Yahtzee gives up on referring to ''New Super Mario Bros. U'' by its name and just starts calling the game "Steve", placing a mug of Creator/SteveBuscemi on top of the box. |
| 482 | * "Right, what's next? Oh, what a delightful trailer for some kind of ''VideoGame/LostPlanet'' sequel, what are they calling this one? [[{{Beat}} ...]] ''[[BaitAndSwitchComparison Dead Space 3]]''? Fuck off!" |
| 483 | * Towards the end he jokes about being a hype ruiner for hire (complete with creepy white van), which has "B. Y. S. G. Croshaw" on the side, a series of initials which makes very little sense at first...until you're smacked into the giggles by a BrickJoke from his ''{{VideoGame/Haze}}'' review, where he called himself Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw. |
| 484 | [[/folder]] |
| 485 | |
| 486 | [[folder:Lollipop Chainsaw]] |
| 487 | * "Juliet is always in control of the situation, has a healthy, devoted family life, and the developers would never suggest that the player [[RapeIsASpecialKindOfEvil should feel motivated to protect her from rapists]] - ''[[DudeNotFunny seriously, that's pretty fucked]]''." *pic of Yahtzee [[DopeSlap slapping]] ''VideoGame/TombRaider2013''* |
| 488 | * The "psychological damage" line. ''[[MadnessMantra Keepsmilingyoufatbitchkeepsmilingyoufatbitch]]''... |
| 489 | * Yahtzee summarizes Creator/{{Suda51}}'s list of games, including ''VideoGame/{{Killer7}}'' ("A hitman with eight distinct personalities[[note]]hitman has many heads[[/note]] is tasked to defend America from some Japanese conspiracy involving an army of invisible giggling naked suicide bombers with suspiciously absent sexual characteristics."), ''VideoGame/NoMoreHeroes'' ("Massive nerd kills his way through ten colorful assassins to in some way convince himself that his new laser sword wasn't a waste of money."[[note]]Guy slices a red imp and a green imp in half, and the two halves combine to make a half-color mix[[/note]]), and ''VideoGame/ShadowsOfTheDamned'' ("Man with bad accent rescues sexy girlfriend from Hell.") |
| 490 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' And now Lollipop Chainsaw's got it down to three words: "Cheerleader fights zombies." Wanna try to beat that record and make a game with a two-word summary, Suda? I've got one for you: "Dead horse." |
| 491 | * The way that Juliet slices imps in many different ways, including farting in the imp's face, is sure funny! |
| 492 | [[/folder]] |
| 493 | |
| 494 | !! 2012, Quarter 3 |
| 495 | [[folder:Quantum Conundrum / Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor]] |
| 496 | * The review begins with a brief mini-review of ''Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor'', which Yahtzee derides as unplayable. An imp dressed as a fairy chides him for this and tells him "If you have any self-respect, you'll stick with it!" ''({{Beat}}, scene cuts to the fairy imp in the trash can)'' "[[SelfDeprecation So anyway, Quantum Conundrum...]]" |
| 497 | ** "I picked it up because the back of the box said 'The Kinect has finally found its hardcore game...'" |
| 498 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' ...which I interpreted as a challenge.\ |
| 499 | '''Caption:''' ...SO SUCK IT, CROSHAW! |
| 500 | * Using various forms of alcohol to describe the four dimensions. |
| 501 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' There's the pina colada dimension where everything is light and fruity, the black russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife, the absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning, and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down. |
| 502 | * "I hope you've played a lot of feces Tetris, because it's time to ''stack shit''." |
| 503 | * The captions given during Yahtzee's discussion on graphical settings. |
| 504 | * While browsing the Steam forums for technical assistance, Yahtzee recounts one forum poster who said anyone who didn't know how to edit using ''Unreal'' or didn't have a top-end PC didn't deserve to play PC games. His response is simply beautiful. |
| 505 | --> This review is dedicated to you, anonymous forum poster, because you're a cunt. [[RhymesOnADime What are you, you're a cunt, yes you are! You live in a cunty cottage and you drive a cunty car!]] ''[car says "Parp parp"]'' |
| 506 | ** What's even better is that [[ChekhovsGag the fairy-imp from earlier]] had been holding up a sign advising Yahtzee to "say 'cunt' a lot". |
| 507 | * One last jab at the Kinect. |
| 508 | [[/folder]] |
| 509 | |
| 510 | [[folder:Spec Ops: The Line]] |
| 511 | * The game actually managed to get Yahtzee [[TrueArtIsAngsty quite]] [[WarIsHell depressed]], which led him to forcibly contrive some levity into his review: |
| 512 | --> (Waffle about the self-contradictory nature of FPS gaming) Sorry, is this getting too contemplative early on? Here are some farting noises. *farting noises* |
| 513 | * "''VideoGame/SpecOpsTheLine'' is one of those pleasant surprises that comes along every now and again; a videogame story that really ''got'' to me[[note]] cue the game driving a pickaxe into his forehead[[/note]], giving me genuine feelings of weariness, guilt and actual physical sickness. Fun, fun, fun!" |
| 514 | * "Dubai! Please submit Swiss Bank Account number." |
| 515 | ** The analogy about Dubai being the city equivalent of a {{Jerkass}} lottery winner, and how the city-destroying sandstorms in ''Spec Ops'' are the equivalent of that guy contracting "hyper-syphilis from Mars". |
| 516 | * The ending. |
| 517 | -->Do you remember when shooters were about [[VideoGame/{{Doom}} killing demons from hell]]? Those were good days. Perhaps this is an inevitable part of gaming growing up, as our childish fantasies are torn from us and we are forced to confront consequences in an unfair, uncaring, and unavoidable world of hatred, misery, and death.\ |
| 518 | ({{Beat}})\ |
| 519 | ([[{{Bathos}} Fart]][[MoodWhiplash ing]]) |
| 520 | ** And the credits end with "It's just been downhill ever since [[ClassicCheatCode IDDQD]] stopped working." |
| 521 | ** The credits gag shows Yahtzee lighting an imp on fire until only a skeleton remains, [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone being horrified by his actions and dramatically cradling the imp]], and then a giant hand coming in and handing him an Oscar as he bursts into tears. |
| 522 | * Yahtzee’s darkly humorous summation of [[WhamEpisode "The Gate"]]. |
| 523 | --> "I won’t too spoil much, because my magic crystal ball tells me I’m gonna recommend this game, but a turning point comes when Walker and the player unwittingly do a bad thing. I felt like shit afterwards, like I’d played the ''[[VideoGame/CallOfDutyModernWarfare2 Modern Warfare 2]]'' airport scene with every civilian replaced with [[WesternAnimation/{{Bambi}} Bambi’s mum.]] |
| 524 | * He complains that while this game is rife with {{Player punch}}es, they sometimes come across as rather anvilicious with a bit of ButThouMust. |
| 525 | --> "So the game gettin' all gritty and confrontational about it does seem a bit disingenuous after that. ''[Spec Ops, bandaged, drinks a bottle of beer and says, "War is heeeellll"]'' Maybe's that the point, to let you lose yourself in shooty excitement and then yank on the choke chain. ''[the game pulls Yahtzee on the neck with the choke chain and shouts "Heeeeeellll"]'' But still, it's like if a lady broke into your house at night, took all her clothes off, squatted over your face while you slept, and when you woke up she chastised you for looking at her butt. ''[woman shouts out, "How '''DARE''' you!"]'' [[BlamedForBeingRailroaded I didn't even want to look at your butt]], ''Spec Ops''! You're the one who brought it up and won't let me continue till I've shot all the rogue American soldiers coming out of it." ''[Yahtzee is forced to watch as the buttocks on the TV screen poop out the rogue American imps who say "Wheeeee!"]'' |
| 526 | * Yahtzee explains the game's origins: |
| 527 | -->"The game claims to be inspired by ''Literature/HeartOfDarkness'', the same story that inspired ''Film/ApocalypseNow''. 'That's rare,' was my first thought. ''[Yahtzee thinks of [[VisualPun a rare steak]]]'' My second thought was, '[[ExplainExplainOhCrap WAIT!]] Did you assholes just spoil the plot?! So, we're gonna find this colonel and he'll be ruling over the natives and be played by a fat Creator/MarlonBrando?'" |
| 528 | [[/folder]] |
| 529 | |
| 530 | [[folder:The Walking Dead]] |
| 531 | * The beginning: |
| 532 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' You know, before I made a living doing this job (with "job" in quotation marks the size and shape of a pair of giant drooping labial flaps), I designed a few point-and-click adventure games. If you're thinking of having a go at making your own, here's my hot tip: ''[Yahtzee puts the burnt end of a cigarette into the imp's eye]'' First think of a problem that the player has to get around like, say, helping a cat get down from a tree, then think of how a normal sensible person would solve the issue with the objects that would be close to hand, then seal your head inside a half-full vat of boiling chlorine for about twenty minutes, then write down another way to solve the problem that at that moment makes perfect sense to your probably fatally poisoned mind. Repeat this process until you've discovered the most circuitous possible solution, ''[Yahtzee avatar says, "Of course!"]'' maybe hiding a spider under the sunshade of Old Man Witherstein's car so that he crashes into the treetrunk, dislodging the cat and allowing you to catch it in a bucket of rose petals you found on the moon. Why? ''[the word "Why?" appears in blackness]'' Because adventure game developers ''[portrayed by [[ByTheLightsOfTheirEyes eyes possibly beloning to two imps]]]'' can't cum unless they're picturing the frustated tears of people who used to trust them. ''[a thought balloon appears with an imp crying near the computer]'' Actually that could just be me. |
| 533 | * Yahtzee and a zombie face each other, RPG-style, above the text box that says the following: |
| 534 | -->Examine\ |
| 535 | Barricade\ |
| 536 | Operate\ |
| 537 | Talk to\ |
| 538 | Run the fuck away from\ |
| 539 | Starve |
| 540 | ** ...after which Yahtzee picks up a machine gun and the text changes to: |
| 541 | -->KICK ASS\ |
| 542 | KICK ASS\ |
| 543 | KICK ASS\ |
| 544 | KICK ASS\ |
| 545 | KICK ASS\ |
| 546 | Operate |
| 547 | * Yahtzee comes to the moral choice: |
| 548 | -->"There was let a kid die or let a dude die. Obviously you save the kid, don't you? He's got more life to live, the parents will like you, and worst comes to it, his flesh will be a lot more tender and palatable. ''*lip smacking noises*''" |
| 549 | ** At one point the imps appear as the [[GoodAngelBadAngel good and bad angels]]. |
| 550 | * Another good one: |
| 551 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ...Right off the bat: "Dum de dum, lovely walk through the forest, ''AH! A MAN WITH LEG TRAPPED, ZOMBIES COMING, SAVE HIM!''" Unfortunately for him, I was carrying a massive fuck-off axe at the time and what with everyone shouting at me, I made a snap decision, a choice of words that [[AnArmAndALeg the poor bastard's leg might have found appropriate]]. ''[guy says, "Er, you know those don't chop metal, right?"]'' It took ''four or five chops'', and by the end of it I was almost [[TroubledFetalPosition in the fetal position in my chair]] and my legs were crossed like an Amish virgin watching an ''MMA: First Blood'' [[ShareTheMalePain crotch-kicks only match]]. Then the bloke had the poor manners to die anyway. "Shit," said I. "Maybe that's why the game gave me like six chances to back out. Perhaps someone should take this massive fuck-off axe away from me." |
| 552 | * The conclusion: |
| 553 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' This is the risk when you go with a setting like a zombie apocalypse which isn't so much tired as about to be taken off life support. ''[Yahtzee drifts off to sleep atop a building that's surrounded by zombies while a guy raises an axe to chop him up]'' I mean, we know how this is going to end, don't we? Either evil military show up or, best case scenario, two to four of the least asshole-y survivors go to live on an island somewhere. What do you think they're going to do, find a cure? Rebuild society? Then everyone gets lemonade? |
| 554 | * The end credits show Yahtzee cutting off a zombie's legs next to a sign that says "The Walking Dead", then picks up the leg and walks off, before an imp appears and puts the word "Mostly" onto the sign after the word "The". |
| 555 | [[/folder]] |
| 556 | |
| 557 | [[folder:Inversion]] |
| 558 | * Yahtzee is baffled by the fact that the game gives the player mastery of gravity, then only uses it in service of the [[TakeCover cover-based shooting]] mechanics instead of anything interesting. |
| 559 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Not really a big picture sort of thinker, are we? I'm glad you were never given a ComicBook/GreenLantern ring, you'd probably just use it to [[MisappliedPhlebotinum conjure a magical green credit card to pay for a second-hand spud gun.]] |
| 560 | * Yahtzee pondering why the game was titled such, before realizing that the main character does a TitleDrop early on about how much things have changed. He summarizes the [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir story as all about how the main character's life got flip-turned upside-down]]. |
| 561 | --> '''Credits:''' Yeah, that reference won't seem dated at all. |
| 562 | [[/folder]] |
| 563 | |
| 564 | [[folder:Half-Life]] |
| 565 | * "At this point there's only one thing I can do, MASTURBA- [[VerbalBackspace I mean RETRO-REVIEW!]]" Apparently he uses [[ComicSutra a squeaky giraffe]] to do so. |
| 566 | [[/folder]] |
| 567 | |
| 568 | [[folder:Steam Roundup]] |
| 569 | * Yahtzee cramming a watermelon down a quest giver's throat in frustration. |
| 570 | [[/folder]] |
| 571 | |
| 572 | [[folder:Sleeping Dogs]] |
| 573 | * After an introductory paragraph describing the nature of ''VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto'' [[FollowTheLeader clones]], he attempts to re-name the genre as "Petty-crim-footstool-vehicle-related-inner-thighs-'em-up". |
| 574 | * On the game’s title: "There's a racist joke about East Asian cuisine in there somewhere that you'll be pleased to hear I'm not going to acknowledge." |
| 575 | * The main character Wei Shen joins [[TheTriadsAndTheTongs the Triads upon arrival in Hong Kong]] "because who the fuck else are you going to sign up for in Hong Kong, [[UsefulNotes/TheTroubles the Real IRA]]?" |
| 576 | * "Now, Timmy, we can only give you an Xbox and five games for Christmas this year because you did blowtorch your initials into your sister!" |
| 577 | * The combat mechanics described as what is technically known as "flipping out the buttered fuck crumpets". |
| 578 | -->"It goes very well with the competent free-running mechanics, in that sometimes [[LeeroyJenkins I'd sprint into a throng of waiting enemies,]] [[ScreamingWarrior screaming at the top of my voice,]] and [[EverybodyWasKungFuFighting flying-kick the nearest assailant so that he rockets horizontally into the street, with my shoe tucked under his jaw like a violin]] - which I found to be a much more efficient opening gambit than 'you have the right to remain silent'." |
| 579 | * "Eight years ago, ''[[VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoSanAndreas GTA San Andreas]]'' had a jetpack. Does ''Sleeping Dogs'' have a jetpack? Well then, better luck next time!" |
| 580 | [[/folder]] |
| 581 | |
| 582 | [[folder:[=DayZ=]]] |
| 583 | * The review starts with Yahtzee angrily refusing to review ''New Super Mario Bros. 2''. |
| 584 | -->I'm not falling for it this time, Nintendo, so even if you ''did'' massively shake up the formula and recast Mario as a brash intergalactic smuggler piloting the Yosh-1 through the imperial controlled Mushroom Nebula I will never know!" *followed by the image of Yahtzee covering his ears and going "LA LA LA"* |
| 585 | ** I saaawww you (''New Super Mario Bros. 2''). |
| 586 | * His playthrough is off to a good start. |
| 587 | -->"So I started my first game spawned on the shores of a mysterious land, made for the nearest visible building, and was immediately beaten to death by six squawking, working-class zombies in flat caps. ''[[INeedAFreakingDrink Then I paused to have a little drinky...]]''" |
| 588 | ** What ''really'' caps this joke is how [[ThisIsGonnaSuck utterly defeated]] Yahtzee sounds |
| 589 | * "After having fallen and broken my leg, I saw one player run over my head as I pathetically called for help. Later playthroughs would teach me that, in terms of ''VideoGame/DayZ'' regular human interaction, THAT was a passionate kiss on the mouth." |
| 590 | * "[=Yeah=]! Ambiguously melee attack your way out of that, you straggly cunt! Haaaaa... [[OhCrap what's that rumbling noise?]] And then every door in the street flung open and fucking hell, it was like the Pied Piper set his flute to the murderer setting. Oh right, [=loud noises=]! The classic zombie apocalypse social faux pas!" |
| 591 | ** Experienced [=DayZ=] gamers will know exactly what's going to happen when Yahtzee said he found a Lee-Enfield rifle. In the [=DayZ=] community, that gun is known as the "dinner bell", since when you fire it, well... [[NoisyGuns it won't]] [[BangBangBANG go unnoticed]], to say the least. |
| 592 | * Yahtzee comments how when a new player (to ''VideoGame/DayZ'') came by, that unless the guy actually talked to him and asked what was wrong, he would have shot and looted him. |
| 593 | ** Also, when said player gave Yahtzee a blood transfusion with [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer (Yahtzee swears this is true)]] his ample supply of blood packs ''and nothing else'', he comments on how he could have learned about ThePowerOfFriendship and "sticking together in the face of adversity". [[ShaggyDogStory Until a zombie came by, broke his leg, and either chased the other guy off]] [[ShootTheShaggyDog or killed him.]] |
| 594 | --> [[SarcasmMode "Boy, did I feel like a waste of blood."]] |
| 595 | [[/folder]] |
| 596 | |
| 597 | [[folder:Guild Wars 2]] |
| 598 | * (On mundane [[LevelGrinding grinding]] quests) "The fact that I was a necromancer made it pretty funny, though; I pictured the farmer's wife standing at the kitchen window, watching me chase moles out of the vegetable garden [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill by summoning shadow-demons from the stygian pit to curse their very souls]] and then turning to her husband and going: "He ''does'' know [[MundaneUtility we've got a spade he can use, right?]]"" |
| 599 | * "...and ''Guild Wars 2'' also improves on that by giving you limited slots and a range of swapoutable abilities ''what'' [[PerfectlyCromulentWord the hell kind of word was that]]?" |
| 600 | * On stating that the game world is a huge mess (or perhaps an accurate representation of [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome what happens when 90% of a world's population IS made of wandering adventurers]]) he eventually concludes that Guild Wars 2 is essentially a fantasy-themed kiddie playground, where the kids take turns whacking on the animatronic monsters while a bored attendant keeps watch. |
| 601 | -->[[OnSecondThought Still, there are no subscription fees]], [[TakeThat so it's not like the]] VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft [[TakeThat tent next door]], [[MoneyDearBoy where the attendant nicks credit cards out of the purses!]] |
| 602 | [[/folder]] |
| 603 | |
| 604 | !! 2012, Quarter 4 |
| 605 | [[folder:Borderlands 2]] |
| 606 | * "Borderlands? more like BORED ''([[{{Beat}} pause]])'' -Erlands!" |
| 607 | ** Later in the review: "Borderlands? More like SNORE-derlands! ''([[{{Beat}} pause]])'' Two!" |
| 608 | [[/folder]] |
| 609 | |
| 610 | [[folder:[=FIFA=] 13 / [[spoiler:Mark of the Ninja / Anna / Tokyo Jungle]]]] |
| 611 | * The review in its entirety. It's one long hilarious panoply of your usual CausticCritic going into BaitAndSwitch meets AttentionDeficitOohShiny as he completely forgets to review FIFA 13 and instead reviews three other games with more plot substance. |
| 612 | * His opinion of Mists of Panderia: |
| 613 | -->'''Yahtzee''': I blame publishers not wanting to put out anything that might have to compete with [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft Mists of Pandaria]], which incidentally I wouldn't touch with a twelve-foot sterilized barge pole being held by someone else. |
| 614 | * Him not actually playing ''[=FIFA=] 13'' beforehand: |
| 615 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Some might say not having played the game and only glancing briefly at the cover art might preclude reviewing it as a rule, but I didn't get to where I am today by following rules all over the place! Let's give it a crack. |
| 616 | * "And on the subject of sex crimes, let's get back to professional football!" |
| 617 | * His experiences playing ''Anna'': |
| 618 | --> '''Yahtzee''': In ''Anna'', you are a faceless, nameless protagonist -- who I choose to believe resembles ''Series/MrBean'' -- who has come to an abandoned sawmill in search of his lost love or something, and considering the sawmill only has like five rooms, what follows is a pretty fucking breakneck descent into the depths of the human heart. But I guess not everyone has the entire town [[VideoGame/SilentHill2 James Sunderland's psyche had to work with]]. |
| 619 | * His opinion on the [[MoonLogicPuzzle "logic" puzzles]] in ''Anna'': |
| 620 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Anna is closer to [[VideoGame/TexMurphy adventure game]] than survival horror though, spiritually akin to those microscopic escape-the-room flash games where you solve a sequence of logic puzzles in a small environment. But the operative word there is "logic" and Anna's relationship with that concept evokes the relationship a cheese grater has with a water balloon full of sperm. Before you can even get into the sawmill, you have to find two parts of a mirror, arrange them on a wall, stick a pinecone to the front and then light it on fire because this in some way unlocks the front door. That's not a logic puzzle, that's something Creator/HunterSThompson might attempt after he lost his front door key at a mushroom-enfueled wilderness retreat! I'm glad ''I'' don't live in this neighbourhood; you probably can't even run yourself a bath until you've arranged twelve Snickers bars under the S-bend and pissed in the sink! |
| 621 | * His outrage that ''Tokyo Jungle'' insists on submitting his score to the leaderboards: |
| 622 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' And I can't stand how every time I die, it insists on submitting my score to the global ranking, not only forcing me to wait a literal minute when I just want to fucking restart but then usually informing me that I'm in a hundred-billionth place in the ranks of roleplaying as a small yappy dog and I would like to inform all my peers just to round out the emasculation. |
| 623 | ** The accompanying images make it even better: |
| 624 | --->'''Tokyo Jungle:''' YOU DEAD.\ |
| 625 | '''Tokyo Jungle:''' You know who'd love this?\ |
| 626 | '''Tokyo Jungle:''' '''''FUCKING EVERYONE''''' |
| 627 | * The ending is priceless: |
| 628 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Shit, hang on, I got confused again. [[BreakingTheFourthWall How long have I got left? 8 SECONDS?!]] [[OhCrap FUCK!!]] [[MotorMouth Uh, FIFA 13 is a game in which you and your burly friends help a small leather sphere realize its dream of being in a net, and I think we can all agree that that's basically a positive thing, nighty-night.]] |
| 629 | * The CreditsGag regarding ''Tokyo Jungle'': "Maybe being told that I wasn't good enough to mate with the prime females struck a bit close to home." |
| 630 | * The thumbnail for the review is actually highly amusing. Almost invariably, the thumbnail for a review will be a contextual screencap from the review itself. For FIFA 13, it was... a tiger-headed Yahtzee being attacked by a velociraptor with a loose pile of assorted animals in the background.]] Don't bother trying to figure out what the hell this has to do with soccer, as it's actually from the ''Tokyo Jungle'' part of the "review". |
| 631 | |
| 632 | [[/folder]] |
| 633 | |
| 634 | [[folder:Resident Evil 6]] |
| 635 | * Yahtzee calls Derek C. Simmons "an inexplicably wealthy Saturday morning cartoon villain unleashing monsters[[note]]imps[[/note]] upon both China and the United States so at least they're not being racist again." Cue the Klansman getting hung by his neck on a rope. |
| 636 | * "See, I know Capcom games are never well written. Somewhere at Capcom, ''[a guy sits at a desk labeled "Dyalogg Riter"]'' there's a copy of the big book of dialogue cliches with a very heavily weathered spine, but this gets as boring as a playground fight where your opponent keeps making up new shit so he doesn't lose until you want to take him behind the sheds and see how much good his everything-proof shield does him when you're knocking his teeth out with a bicycle chain." |
| 637 | * Yahtzee talks about co-op: |
| 638 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Resident Evil 6'' is a fussy suburban mother insisting you invite that weird dribbling kid to your birthday party. So every now and again on the loading screen, ''[which says, "Roading..."]'' the nom-de-shithead of some tosser who's playing the same bit at the same time appears ''["[=ABigTwat69=] joined the game."]'' to explain why you're not going to enjoy the next few levels very much, ''["Hope you've got plenty of wet wipes."]'' and thank goodness it does because otherwise I might have thought my faithful AI partner had had some kind of stroke that makes them run around smashing crates while I'm waiting at the level exit fending off monsters ''[portrayed by imps]'' that look like they were made of sausage and onion gravy. |
| 639 | * "What is the point of multiplayer? Socializing with other humans (correct, that's why I hate it)." ''(shows Yahtzee hissing at socializers from the sewers)'' |
| 640 | * Here's another one: |
| 641 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But another online gameplay mode I kind of liked involves taking control of a monster in someone else's game, which provides great opportunity to avenge those fingertips. I got a little satisfaction from knifing to death some stranger who might not have deserved it, but that was one out of ten attempts. The rest either didn't connect or I'd join five seconds before the guy got killed by a regular non-self aware monster. It's disheartening to know your job could be done equally as well by a pixel-brained bleep-bloop non-controlled twat. |
| 642 | * The end credits show an imp wanting to get the cookie jar on the shelf, so the imp injects itself with the virus and mutates into a monster that eats the shelf instead. |
| 643 | [[/folder]] |
| 644 | |
| 645 | [[folder:Dishonored]] |
| 646 | * Yahtzee calling the game "Dish-on-a-Red", "Soap-on-a-Rope", and ''Theatre/CatOnAHotTinRoof''. |
| 647 | ** Speaking of which: |
| 648 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' But I must say that I left ''Soap-on-a-Rope'' disappointed. Not angry, disappointed, like if someone I respected forgot which part of the body piss comes out of, mainly because it has a ''fucking'' moral choice aspect! "Ooh, we do not," the game will sputter. "You wanna cuddle the guards to sleep? You wanna slit throats like your wife left you for a jugular vein? We won't judge you." ''[game acts like a judge with a gavel]'' Except you do, don't ya? ''[the gavel gets tossed at Yahtzee]'' 'Cause there's a good ending or a bad ending. ''[good ending depicts Yahtzee offering a rainbow popsicle to the fenale imp, while the bad ending depicts him eating said imp]'' |
| 649 | * This one: |
| 650 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Personality ''[two imps appear and play trumpets on the word]'' is the word of the day because I like stealth and I like the stealth in this, but like a dolphin on strike, the game just wasn't clicking for me and eventually I realized that was because it was entirely populated by herring-powered androids with faulty tubes in their emotion cores. ''[in a robot monotone]'' "Hello, Corvo, you stabbed a bloke very efficiently, now you must go and stab another one, beep boop, lovely oil for my hinges please." ''[normal voice]'' Having to go back to the loyalist HQ between every mission and muddle around getting beep-booped at by cardboard flap sandwiches kills the game's pacing for me, but even in the missions, the baddies were all going ''[robotic monotone again]'' "We are very evil guards, beep boop, sanctity of human life, ha ha, humour deployed, beep boop, I hope no-one interfaces a dagger with my neck-mounted USB port." |
| 651 | * The part when Yahtzee thinks of whether to choose the good ending or bad ending: |
| 652 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' And when I realized that because a loading screen told me so, ''[screen says "LOLDING... Keep your shit together"]'' I immediately thought "Right, I'm shooting for the good ending then" and rigidly stuck to non-lethal methods for that reason alone and not because of what I wanted to do or what made sense to do or what the little man who sits next my ear told me to do late at night, ''[Yahtzee gets a big rainbow popsicle]'' and then every time I was spotted, I'd sigh and lower my sword like [[Film/ANewHope Ben Kenobi's fucking death scene]] rather than try to organically escape the situation 'cause I was afraid of jeopardizing all that effort. And then the ending was disappointing ''[Yahtzee gets a tiny rainbow popsicle]'' because the story having to keep both the nice Corvo and the naughty Corvo plates spinning results only in one big ol' bland Corvo, ''[depicted by Yahtzee shoving a tiny popsicle up the female imp's butt]'' because this is what binary moral choice always does and developers should fucking pack it in. |
| 653 | [[/folder]] |
| 654 | |
| 655 | [[folder:XCOM: Enemy Unknown]] |
| 656 | * Yahtzee states that the game is "a remake or a reboot or a reason to despair of the state of creative industries[[note]]"Reason to stuff your mouth with blasting caps and smack yourself in the face with a gravedigger's spade."[[/note]] for a game from the 90's variously titled ''UFO: Enemy Unknown'' and ''XCOM: UFO Defense'' in a spirited attempt to confuse matters even further." |
| 657 | * "Did you like playing ''[[VideoGame/XCOMEnemyUnknown X-COM]]'', Yahtzee?" "What was that? [[JustOneMoreLevel Sorry, I couldn't hear you, I was playing]] ''[[VideoGame/XCOMEnemyUnknown X-COM]]''." |
| 658 | * Him pretending that the commander is "somebody's fussy mom" and the accompanying images that follow. |
| 659 | * Yahtzee gives a reason for liking the game: |
| 660 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I like it 'cause it now gives me something I can smash into ''Syndicate''[='=]s face and say "Looook! Turns out you don't have to turn everything into a fucking shooter!" I also like that it does both base management and tactical turn-based shooting without either seeming like a gimmick bolted onto the other. I spend my time in the base thinking "Gosh, I'm looking forward to using these plasma rifles I built to shoot all the baddies" ''[Yahtzee has a thought balloon of himself blasting a hole in the imp's chest]'' and my time in the field thinking "Gosh, I'm looking forward to bringing all these alloys back to base to build more plasma rifles." ''[Yahtzee arrives and blasts a hole in the imp's chest just like the thought balloon had predicted]'' |
| 661 | * "But at least the randomness makes the game very replayable, so take comfort in that as you contemplate restarting from scratch because you didn't research laser guns fast enough and all your men have to be evacuated from the field with a ''fucking spatula!''" |
| 662 | * "You can survive getting one of your top guys raygunned into sandwich spread, two at a pinch, but you might as well reload if your entire supersquad gets wiped up, 'cause the aliens aren't going to hold back to let you train up a new selection of rookies who aim like fucking {{VideoGame/Octodad}} and go into panic mode if a wasp starts buzzing too close to their jam sandwiches." |
| 663 | * Yahtzee engaging in some bragging to end the review: |
| 664 | -->One time, I had a bunch of guys trapped in a crashed UFO's central rape room with the alien equivalent of Hulk Hogan, and I only had actions left for one heavy and one sniper who were too far from the action to help, so what did I do? I got the heavy to blow a massive hole in the side of the UFO with a rocket launcher, thus granting the sniper a clear line of sight to double-tap the problem right in the tash and win the mission. A master stroke of unconventional strategizing of which I was so embarrassingly proud that [[BreakingTheFourthWall I boasted furiously about it for the entire last thirty seconds of an Internet video.]] |
| 665 | [[/folder]] |
| 666 | |
| 667 | [[folder:Medal of Honour: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition]] |
| 668 | * Yahtzee's speculation that the game came about as a result of one developer testing whether his cubicle-mate was actually listening to him. "YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT!" |
| 669 | ** And the RunningGag of laughing at ''Warfighter'''s name. |
| 670 | * The battles in ''Warfighter'' are taking the cake: |
| 671 | -->"''Warfighter''[='=]s down with everything that makes modern shooters fucking despicable. The story just kept dumping me one location after the other and told me to shoot all the brown people talking foreign. ''[enemies talk in [[ComicStrip/{{Peanuts}} Woodstock chirps]]]'' I didn't know who they were or why they deserved it, ''[enemies hold up signs, one saying, "My name is Donald," and the other, "I bullied a chimp"]'' although I did know they were vastly outmatched technologically. ''[enemy comes at Yahtzee with a stick]'' At one point, you take control of a remote-controlled robot that goes behind enemy lines and fucking mows people down until someone can tip it over and bash its camera in with a rock, and that just fucking says it all, doesn't it? We've got kill-droids, they've got rocks. [[Franchise/StarWars We are Imperial Stormtroopers massacring the fucking Ewoks!]]" ''[cue Stormtroopers killing imps dressed as Ewoks]'' |
| 672 | * After playing ''Warfighter'': "So I stopped. An hour and a half in, I stopped. I put down the controller and turned it off." Cue Yahtzee pulling a [[{{BFG}} big freakin' revolver]] and [[ShootTheTelevision shooting the TV]]. |
| 673 | * Needing a name to differentiate the particular brand of first-person shooters which rely on such pet peeves as reliance on cover, regenerating health, limited inventories and excessive handholding, he dubs them "Spunkgargleweewee," a term he continues to use on a semi-consistent basis. |
| 674 | * His rage against people who claim he just doesn't like shooters. |
| 675 | --> "Oh, you ignorant little ''bastards''. Stick your balls up your arse and clench yourself castrated! I was into shooters when you were sucking on Wiimotes, you [[TakeCover cover-loving]], [[WalkItOff health-regenerating]] [[MurderSimulators murderer-come-latelies]]! You don't even know what a shooter is! A shooter is fast-paced, circle-strafing, wits about you, rocket-jumping, last grasp of health, toodly fuckpies, organic excitement in a fancy hat! It is not riding a conveyor belt to the next chest-high wall and resting your head on it until you get lulled into a lovely little sleep by the other people's gunfire." |
| 676 | * The end credits show Yahtzee ducking for cover by gunfire, until an imp comes along and uses a log to absorb all the bullets; the imp then walks off before looking at the log and proceeding to hump it, making Yahtzee turn around and see the action. |
| 677 | [[/folder]] |
| 678 | |
| 679 | [[folder:Assassin's Creed III]] |
| 680 | * The credits: |
| 681 | --> "Hey, strange hooded knife-covered man on a bench, did you happen to see a strange hooded knife-covered man run through here?" |
| 682 | * The theoretical conversation between Yahtzee and the game itself, after he gets annoyed by some of the side content: |
| 683 | -->'''Assassin's Creed III''': "You use the money and recipes that it seems every activity in the game rewards you with to craft everyday goods and items and the friendlier you are with the craftsmen, the more things you can craft."\ |
| 684 | '''Yahtzee''': Alright, I have successfully crafted a sofa. What do I do with the sofa?\ |
| 685 | '''Assassin's Creed III''': "You sell the sofa for money!"\ |
| 686 | '''Yahtzee''': Okay, now I'm a millionaire East Coast sofa baron, what do I do with the money?\ |
| 687 | '''Assassin's Creed III''': "Well, the most expensive things in the game are upgrades for your ship which make it easier to complete the naval missions."\ |
| 688 | '''Yahtzee''': Well, that's something I suppose. What benefit do the naval missions provide me?\ |
| 689 | '''Assassin's Creed III''': "More trading routes for you to sell sofas on!"\ |
| 690 | '''Yahtzee:''' Sorry, when is this going to get back to stabbing people?\ |
| 691 | '''Assassin's Creed III:''' ...What is it with you and stabbing peopl-\ |
| 692 | '''Yahtzee:''' ''(snaps)'' What is it with you and ''NOT'' stabbing people?! |
| 693 | * Yahtzee initially being worried that UsefulNotes/TheAmericanRevolution period would lead to the British being {{Flanderized}} into a {{Evil Brit}}s, while the Americans would be the {{Designated Hero}}es. Then he points out how the GreyAndGrayMorality balanced out both sides from their stereotypical portrayals in this time period: |
| 694 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' "[[PyrrhicVictory Doesn't make the game any less boring]], [[DamnedByFaintPraise but there you go]]." |
| 695 | * "Don't be ''VideoGame/FarmVille, Assassin's Creed'', be ''Assassin's Creed''. We've already got a ''[=FarmVille=]'', it's called ''[=FarmVille=].''" |
| 696 | [[/folder]] |
| 697 | |
| 698 | [[folder:Call of Duty: Black Ops II]] |
| 699 | * His suggestion for a better game that ''VideoGame/CallOfDutyBlackOpsII'' could have been if it had played to its strengths: "The Adventures Of Hooky Wingsuit: The Amazing Flying Racist." |
| 700 | * His description of the protagonists. |
| 701 | --> "The story switches between Generic O. [=McCracker=] I in the past and Generic O. [=McCracker=] II in the future |
| 702 | * Yahtzee noting the game's rather weird take on morality: |
| 703 | ** "Perspective really does count for a lot, doesn't it? The game tries to paint the villain as evil by [[KickTheDog showing him shotgun the legs off his unarmed foes]], but all I could think was that the intended audience would be guffawing clouds of inexpensive beer if it had been [[Series/TwentyFour Jack Bauer]] doing that." |
| 704 | --->'''Jack Bauer:''' WHURR'S THE BURMB |
| 705 | ** "Aw, bless, is the mean old foreigner trying to take away your infinite supply of poor, innocent, remorseless kill-droids? ''Boo hoo, [[ComicBook/DoctorDoom Doctor fucking Doom]]!''" |
| 706 | * "He a TURRIST!" |
| 707 | * Imagining a question from the target demographic about the game's quality: |
| 708 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' "Well, I'm white, paranoid, and stupid so this game sounds ideal so far," says a nearby cunt. "I'm just worried the gameplay won't also cater to my many neurological difficulties-- whoops, my brain fell out again!" |
| 709 | [[/folder]] |
| 710 | |
| 711 | [[folder:Hitman Absolution]] |
| 712 | * "I feel that the whole 'change of heart' thing could have been staggered out a bit better. If I had to murder someone, I wouldn’t stay my hand if I found out he was afraid of theme park mascots just because “Holy shit, ''I'' used to be afraid of theme park mascots”, and [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m not even a professional assassin]].[[note]]"Your license has been revoked for what we hope are obvious reasons"[[/note]] ''<{{beat}}>'' Although I have killed a lot of theme park mascots." |
| 713 | * The "fish skeleton" remark. |
| 714 | * "Oh, don't you start telling me I have problems, [[HearingVoices I get enough of that from the voices, thank you very much!"]][[note]]Floating Ocelot Cat Head: "Could you at least give therapy a chance"[[/note]] |
| 715 | [[/folder]] |
| 716 | |
| 717 | [[folder:[=Far Cry=] 3]] |
| 718 | * He opens the review with the phrase "I am a banana." and it only gets funnier every time he uses it. |
| 719 | * "I kept sliding off the roads because the cars are always a few feet wider than you think they are. It’s a lot like online dating." |
| 720 | * A clever one from the credit sequence: one of the subtitles says "You know what the first sign of madness is? Rubbing animal giblets on your reproductive organs." The next slide has him poledancing, wearing a severed tiger head as a codpiece. |
| 721 | ** Subtitling said slide: "It's not a real holiday until you've napalmed a cassowary." |
| 722 | * Another metaphor that gets a little weird: |
| 723 | --> A typical combat mission involves scouting the area from a vantage point, marking targets, picking the optimal angle of approach, and taking down the baddies one by one. It's quite relaxing really, like pruning a rosebush where the roses can get freaked out and call another rosebush to come and back it up. |
| 724 | * "There are too many games where you only get the ultra-pussycat death beam surprise that rips off the enemies' cock and writes their obituary with it right at the end of the game so you only get to use it on the end boss and maybe his goldfish." |
| 725 | ** "You want to hang glide over an assassination mission and jump on the dude ''[portrayed by an imp]'' like he's a fucking [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Koopa Troopa]], then godspeed, you mad bastard." |
| 726 | [[/folder]] |
| 727 | |
| 728 | [[folder:[=ZombiU=]]] |
| 729 | * Yahtzee's main frustration in the game: |
| 730 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Every time I caught a zombie's instakill bite attack, I'd make a weird, involuntary vocalisation that couldn't decide if it was a swear or not, like "FUGBAR!" or "DAYGUNT!" |
| 731 | * "The game is set in post-zombie London and was designed by someone who rather obviously isn't from London because all their knowledge of the city seems to come from sightseeing tours. You visit Buckingham Palace and the Tower of London, and yes, thrillingly, you can kill beefeaters! That's one off the bucket list!" |
| 732 | * Yahtzee's pet name for his favorite weapon: |
| 733 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' It doesn't take long to figure out that the super-secret technique for handling singlular zombies is just uninterrupted swings with the starting cricket bat, or as I prefer to call it, [[ICallItVera my Staff of Wisden!]] [[note]]It's a cricket reference; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisden_Cricketers%27_Almanack[[/note]] |
| 734 | [[/folder]] |
| 735 | |
| 736 | ! 2013 Episodes |
| 737 | !! 2013, Quarter 1 |
| 738 | [[folder:Top 5 of 2012]] |
| 739 | * The Top 5 is played out by the EtherealChoir made by [[http://www.freesound.org/people/dobroide dobroide]], while the Bottom 5 is played out by... [[ToiletHumor singing farts]]! |
| 740 | * Yahtzee explains why he has has a soft spot for ''VideoGame/NeverDead'' despite its broken design. |
| 741 | --> "It's only when you try to do something interesting that you crash and burn in the most spectacular way. You may laugh at the bloke who thought he'd invented the parachute coat and threw himself off the Eiffel tower, but what's history gonna remember you for, funny man? That time you found a copy of Razzle in a hedge?" |
| 742 | [[/folder]] |
| 743 | |
| 744 | [[folder:Paper Mario: Sticker Star]] |
| 745 | * "The game opens with Mario and the princess holding some kind of open-air festival for stickers, which just goes to show how exciting life gets during Mushroom Kingdom peace-time. Stick around guys, 'cause next week is Hole Punch Mardi Gras!" |
| 746 | * "...for no particular reason the game fucking showers you with coins at the end of every level, like Mario's a registered charity and it's the last week of the financial year." |
| 747 | * "But my problem is that this isn't a Paper Mario game. It looks like one, it's wearing the skin of one, but that doesn't make it one. I'm not a fat woman, even though I've... [[OurLawyersAdvisedThisTrope I've just been advised not to finish this sentence.]]" |
| 748 | * Yahtzee admitting he needed to use the 3D for certain sections of the game: |
| 749 | --> " I suppose the 3DS can feel free to stand on my desk and rub its buttocks on my face, making really satisfied noises like this: "Mmmmmm, mmmmmmmmmm." |
| 750 | * "So if it's not a platformer and not an RPG, then what the hell is it? A walk-around-'em-up? A walk-around-sticking-things-to-other-things-'em-up? That's not a game, that's how I kill time at a pet shop!" '''(shows Yahtzee super-gluing a gerbil to a dog with the store manager saying "Excuse me, sir.")''' |
| 751 | * "I just want to play in the fucking cupboard, Nintendo. I know you're keeping VideoGame/WarioWare in there, too." |
| 752 | * [[TheStinger "They were keeping Conker in that cupboard as well but I think somebody killed him for food"]] |
| 753 | [[/folder]] |
| 754 | |
| 755 | [[folder:Black Knight Sword & Hotline Miami]] |
| 756 | * [[UsefulNotes/{{Cricket}} "So like the English cricket team,]] [[TakeThat I've been trying to keep up with the Indies."]] |
| 757 | * The repeated renaming of games based on the way ''Black Knight Sword'' did it, i.e. [[VideoGame/HalfLife "Orange Nerd Crowbar"]], [[VideoGame/ModernWarfare "Brown Sweaty Racism"]], and [[VideoGame/RedDeadRevolver "Red Dead Revolv]]-- [[ExplainExplainOhCrap oh wait"]]. |
| 758 | ** By the end of the game, he even calls ''VideoGame/HotlineMiami'' "Magenta Nutcase Kitchen-floor". |
| 759 | * On ''Hotline Miami'': |
| 760 | -->"For want of criticism, there's one very misguided forced stealth chapter in which the pacing comes to a screeching halt and a game like this can't afford to slow down for long 'cause we might end up thinking, 'Hey, this gameplay's really frustrating and all the synth music is starting to get on my tits! Not seriously on my tits, just sort of nestling on the sternum area like a sleeping cat ''[shows Yahtzee's avatar sleeping on a couch with a keyboard on its chest]'' and I don't want to wake it but I ''kinda'' need to be somewhere.'" ''[avatar looks on as couch catches on fire]'' |
| 761 | [[/folder]] |
| 762 | |
| 763 | [[folder:Anarchy Reigns]] |
| 764 | * "There's flying under the radar, but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, ''Anarchy Reigns'' isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway!" |
| 765 | * Snarking on the oxymoronic title. "It's like calling your name ''Dog Meows'' or ''[[TakeThat Margaret Thatcher Cares]]''." |
| 766 | * "There's such a fucking shortage of [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative macho grizzled bad-asses voiced by]] Creator/SteveBlum in gaming that we've had to start recycling them now." Meanwhile, ''VideoGame/{{Bulletstorm}}'' peeks in sheepishly and says "Erm..." |
| 767 | * "I think I just beat up someone very thin, with a really clingy outfit and a stance like their hips have become dislocated. Oh well, that'll narrow it down to ''every single fucking female character in the game.''" |
| 768 | [[/folder]] |
| 769 | |
| 770 | [[folder:DMC: Devil May Cry]] |
| 771 | * "Ramble gramble-oh, never mind." |
| 772 | * The similes used to describe how {{anvilicious}} the story is. |
| 773 | * The callback to his ''VideoGame/ShadowsOfTheDamned'' review. |
| 774 | * An unfortunate idiom lurches rapidly into HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday |
| 775 | ** "When the big boss expands like the asshole in the prison showers and takes on his city-destroying form, my first reaction should NOT be 'Phew, that's a relief.' [[ItMakesSenseInContext I thought my rowboat was about to be made seaworthy.]]" |
| 776 | [[/folder]] |
| 777 | |
| 778 | [[folder:The Cave]] |
| 779 | * Saying how ''The Cave'' is "an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with the Double Fine Adventure Game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house." |
| 780 | * "I guess they can't be hipsters after all, 'cause in that case the Cave would have granted them all a swift punch in the throat!" |
| 781 | * "Since this game has come out for [[LongList Steam, XBLA, PSN, Wii U, graphing calculators, and handfuls of Scrabble tiles on metal trays]], you can use whatever control method you like, but I needed to only use the mouse so I could use my other hand to keep a tally of every time the game repeated itself." |
| 782 | [[/folder]] |
| 783 | |
| 784 | [[folder:Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch]] |
| 785 | * The Creator/StudioGhibli [[CreatorThumbprint Bingo board]]. |
| 786 | * Accidentally referring to the game's subtitle as "Wrath of the White Guilt" and "Wrath of the White Privilege". |
| 787 | * TheStinger at the end involves the game's child protagonist [[ItMakesSenseInContext extracting some enthusiasm from a man]], seeing another rather skeptical-looking individual full to the brim with restraint, and silently giving his needle full of enthusiasm a knowing look. HilarityEnsues, if you consider StuffBlowingUp hilarious. |
| 788 | [[/folder]] |
| 789 | |
| 790 | [[folder:[=Dead Space 3=]]] |
| 791 | * Simply put, all the bemoaning about how VideoGame/DeadSpace3 has given up all pretensions of being a SurvivalHorror, and has simply gone the ActionAdventure route like every other game from EA with a thin layer of SurvivalHorror flavoring put on top. Special points include how he figures the guy who originally pitched it as a SurvivalHorror has [[GivingUpOnLogic given up on the franchise]] as much as Yahtzee has, how the story has gotten exaggerated to the point it's like a WackyCollege RomanticComedy, and how patently idiotic it is for EA to use "Weapon Customization" as [[BribingYourWayToVictory a cheap excuse to milk the micro-transactions]] popularized by ''VideoGame/FarmVille'': |
| 792 | -->'''EA Spokesperson:''' Did you enjoy blowing real money on flooding your friends Facebook pages with news on you imaginary cows? Well you'll ''love'' blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort, thus cheapening any sense of achievement!\ |
| 793 | '''Yahtzee:''' I might be more indignant [[WhoWouldBeStupidEnough if I thought this might actually]] ''[[MissingStepsPlan work]]''. The scheme seems to be [[BankRobbery to walk in a bank with a gun and a ski mask on, put a bucket on the floor]], and say "[[StupidCrooks I'm going now, but if anyone wants to put money in there then, y'know, the option's open.]]", and [[TooDumbToLive if anyone DOES put money in the bucket, then that person probably shouldn't have HAD financial independence in the first place!]] |
| 794 | [[/folder]] |
| 795 | |
| 796 | [[folder:Aliens: Colonial Marines]] |
| 797 | * Part of the beginning of the review where he compares people wanting him to review the game to lighting a firework and running away, shoving someone into the girl's toilets or putting an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog: |
| 798 | --> "Oh, I see! No one wants me around when the new ''VideoGame/CallOfDuty'' is training you to ignore another quality recognition instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few atrophied taste buds you have left then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher. Well, how do you know I don't actually really like ''Colonial Marines''? (*{{beat}}*) I don't, it's fucking atrocious! But you'd have looked pretty silly if I had, wouldn't you?" |
| 799 | ** And then he mentions that maybe he's just bitter because the developers are doing his job by acting like a bunch of school children trying to blame each other on who dropped the really eggy fart. |
| 800 | * The part where Yahtzee and his friends (including an imp and a chicken) invoked ShipperOnDeck in the best way possible: |
| 801 | --> '''Yahtzee''': And it was rather entertaining when those stiff-faced {{Non Player Character}}s with about as much capacity for emotion as a paper plate with three sausages on it would be trying to have a confrontational dialogue moment, and we crowd around them chanting, "Kiss her, you fool!" |
| 802 | * Him mentioning the many doorways during multiplayer that saw reenactments of ''Film/TheThreeStooges'' routines and how there's only so many times the words "Who farted?" can break the tension regarding waiting for an elevator to come down at the end of a level. |
| 803 | * The talk of his favorite glitch towards the end of the review. What really sells it is the representative graphic of the boss alien pulling out a giant wooden mallet to smack the marine back to death while letting out a BigNo. |
| 804 | * The end credits show an alien meeting an imp, then going through the flowers and having dinner together; the next scene has the imp in a tuxedo, with the alien sitting in a bridal gown, and the last scene shows a baby imp coming out of the alien's womb. Pretty squicky. |
| 805 | [[/folder]] |
| 806 | |
| 807 | [[folder:Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance]] |
| 808 | * ZP Raiden gets three donuts with the sword and says "Sweet". |
| 809 | * Yahtzee talks about the combat while Raiden does many things to imps: |
| 810 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But the combat is quite fun, yes, with the USP being the ability to slice at any angle and divide a large variety of objects into jigsaw puzzles, and since this is kind of feature a processor has nightmares about, the levels do seem a wee bit barebones-y. Against enemies it's not worked in too horribly, though. You can flail the sword around like a plastic chimpanzee with a feather duster until the baddies are effectively powderized, but you're rewarded for accurately divesting them of their limbs portfolio or cutting through the bottle of commercial energy drink they all sort of keep inside their spines. |
| 811 | * Two [[FreezeFrameBonus Freeze-Frame Bonuses]]: the rambling dialogue while Yahtzee nods off ("Okay, so here's what you're supposed to do next, and also a quick update on the political situation in the region with a rather lurching reference to recent real life events.") before the JumpScare; and the other that says, "{{Press X|ToNotDie}} [[PurpleProse in combination with other buttons at carefully timed moments in response to numerous audio and visual cues]] [[PressXToNotDie to not die.]]" |
| 812 | * "What also helped was turning off that bloody boss fight music, and incidentally, Creator/{{Hideo|Kojima}}, if breakdancing ninja cyborg vigilante biker hasn't made Raiden cool, a score that sounds like a J-rock artist composed it as he was trying not to burst into tears while meeting his own gaze in his bedroom mirror isn’t going to clinch it." |
| 813 | * Comparing the game to ''WesternAnimation/ScoobyDoo'' is sure funny, even calling it ''The Adventures of Shaggy and Scooby: Bloodsoaked Robot Assassins''. |
| 814 | * Yahtzee describes what the ending is like: |
| 815 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ...imagine watching something like, say, ''Anime/GhostInTheShell'', but right before the end you sit on the remote and TV switches over to an episode of ''WesternAnimation/BikerMiceFromMars'' or ''Anime/DragonBallZ'' where the special guest villain turns out to be Wrestling/HulkHogan who goes on about how awesome right-wing policies are for 20 minutes before doing body slams on everyone who disagrees. |
| 816 | [[/folder]] |
| 817 | |
| 818 | [[folder:Tomb Raider]] |
| 819 | * Yahtzee opens by recounting his past history with the series and why he's not enthused for this origin story: |
| 820 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I've extracted no small amount of enjoyment out of those "Womb Raider" games back in the day, but as my character did a sideways somersault onto a pile of historically priceless earthenware while gunning down endangered tigers, I asked myself, "I wonder what happened to this person to make her so incredibly jaded?" And then I would think, "OH, ACTUALLY I DON'T CARE!" and go back to [[VideoGamePerversityPotential making her stand with her back to a wall in that one particular way that makes the camera zoom in on her tits]] because I was fucking fifteen. |
| 821 | * He also thinks "Tomb Raider" is possibly a NonindicativeName for this reboot and has alternative suggestions: |
| 822 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But anyway, ''Tomb Raider'' is another ''goddamn fucking pissing-in-my-sandwich'' [[BerserkButton reboot with the same name as the cocking original]], and it's particularly illogical here 'cos raiding tombs is a tertiary activity at best. They should have called it, ''"You Can Do This"'' after the most frequent line of dialogue, or alternatively, ''"Hohh hehh hahh mneh hahh."'' |
| 823 | * He describes the supporting cast as "all seem[ing] to be wearing digital clocks on their heads counting down to the point where they are [[StuffedIntoTheFridge unwillingly made a part of someone else's character development]]". Meanwhile Lara stands behind a guy with glasses[[note]]probably Alex[[/note]] sitting at a campfire and [[SociopathicHero casually blows his brains out just as his timer hits 0]], then melodramatically wails ''"WHYYYYYYY"'' over his corpse. |
| 824 | * "Is the violence in this game a bit gratuitous, do we think? [[IsTheAnswerToThisQuestionYes Is a climbing axe to the carotid artery a poor way to start a relaxing Sunday afternoon?]]" |
| 825 | * After discussing the amount of violence the game directs at Lara to try and make us sympathise with her, Yahtzee refers to it as ''[[Film/ISpitOnYourGrave I Spit On Your Tomb]]''. |
| 826 | * To close out the review, he disdains the idea that Lara being put through the wringer is enough to make her an appealing character when she has no agency or real initiative and just reacts to everything that happens to her: |
| 827 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But the essence of the issue for me is that Lara is entirely reactionary. The universe just declares her chew toy of the day; she's either given no other option but to proceed or the ground simply collapses under her big fat arse. [[VideoGame/SpecOpsTheLine Captain Walker]] ''decides'' to use the white phosphorous. [[VideoGame/FarCry3 Jason Brody]] ''decides'' to stay on the island. That's what makes their characters develop. Lara just alternates between breathy whimpers and bland resignation. So you can kill a man and take a machete like a champ. A ''concrete block'' can do that, but you can't kick one out the back of a moving truck and call that a "character arc". |
| 828 | [[/folder]] |
| 829 | |
| 830 | [[folder:[=SimCity=]]] |
| 831 | * In the beginning: |
| 832 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Creator/ElectronicArts. Arts. Arrrts... If there was ever a name that illustrated a need for some kind of verbal equivalent of social services that comes and [[YouKeepUsingThatWord forcibly takes words away if they're being misused]]. |
| 833 | * This review has a lot of penis jokes as a RunningGag, even the penis that knocks off the imp. |
| 834 | * Yahtzee reads Maxis' statement in a goofy voice, which is the icing on the cake. |
| 835 | * The EA slimy-tentacle-puppet offers an explanation of the sewage-management "poo map" as a new feature that may be of interest to Yahtzee. |
| 836 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' [{{beat}}] Fucking '''{{s|arcasmMode}}old'''! |
| 837 | * In anticipation of a meteor strike, God's hand comes down from the sky and says: |
| 838 | -->THY TOWN HATH TOO MANY GAYS\ |
| 839 | [[SophisticatedAsHell GONNA BURN THY HONKY ASS]] |
| 840 | * Yahtzee's first choice for a city name. |
| 841 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' So on a desolate plot of land I placed the foundations for the emerging city of Dogbollock, U.S.A. 'Oh no no no!' went the little finger puppet, leaning over and typing a row of asterisks. 'You can't call your city ''that'', that would be ''ever'' so beastly!' Why not? It is a fun name. I would be having more ''fun'' as the mayor of a city called 'Dogbollock'. I'm hoping to set up a department of Dogbollock beautification. |
| 842 | ** The rest of the conversation: |
| 843 | --->'''EA Finger Puppet:''' "Oh, but other players will see it! [[ThinkOfTheChildren A small, innocent child might see it]] [[MoralGuardian and suddenly know that bollocks exist!]]" |
| 844 | --->'''Shocked Child:''' (looking at his groin and holding a spoon) [[GroinAttack PURGE.]] |
| 845 | * "I think there might be something wrong with the AI. This might also explain why my city was briefly terrorized by a rampaging criminal whose house turned out to be directly opposite the police station." |
| 846 | * His criticism of Origin's StartMyOwn mentality. |
| 847 | -->'''Yahtzee''': And putting ''that'' on my computer felt like leaving a child of my own in the [[DrinkingTheKoolAid Jonestown Daycare center]]. |
| 848 | * The ending part: |
| 849 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Specifics are kind of moot, though, 'cause I don't see what this game has over, say, [=SimCity=] 4, which is cheaper, and deeper, and available on a download service that doesn't make my hard drive dry heave. It's just the online features, ''la-dee-cunting-da''. "Oh, but ''everyone else'' seems to like them," has been the gist of EA and Maxis' company line on this issue. "It's not ''our'' fault you don't know how to have fun!" Listen to me, EA: not every introvert is longing for the day that [[Creator/ZooeyDeschanel Zooey Fucking Deschanel]] kicks their door down and forcibly drags them to a roller rink. I know how to have fun. It involves feeling like I'd achieved something with a sense of independence. It does not involve gangs of punks ''[portrayed by an imp]'' from some asshole's gambling town coming over to kick all my bus stops over. Can I suggest that perhaps you only ever hear from people who like online features because such people are extroverts, and it is only extroverts who think anyone gives a shit about their stupid opinions? ''[[HypocrisyNod And before you say anything, my opinions are actually very clever!]]'' |
| 850 | * Addenda |
| 851 | ** Also, the guy with the blowhorn is pretty hilarious. |
| 852 | [[/folder]] |
| 853 | |
| 854 | !! 2013, Quarter 2 |
| 855 | [[folder:The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct]] |
| 856 | * Likening {{Creator/Sony}} to a pushy mother and Kratos its little ballerina daughter, "whoring him out to every [=PlayStation=] game that will take him" when explaining why he isn't reviewing ''VideoGame/GodOfWarAscension''. |
| 857 | * The image of ''Videogame/BioShockInfinite'' sitting on the game store shelf holding a very large sign with the words "NEXT WEEK, ALRIGHT?" on it. |
| 858 | * When commenting on how the game [[ItsEasySoItSucks being too easy for what's ostensibly a "survival" title]]: "[[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything I think you need to punish me some more, Survival Instinct]]." (Temptingly sticks his rear in the air while Survival Instinct [[NoodleImplements breaks out something that looks like]] a whip, paddle and [[ZorroMark branding iron]] thrown in a blender) "[[TooKinkyToTorture I've been a VERY bad boy.]]" |
| 859 | * "...So [the zombies] start smashing [a wooden fence] down to get at me and you'd better cast me in 'The Cask of Amontillado' because I'm about to fucking ''brick it''." |
| 860 | ** Followed by stating that this unscripted event in an unassuming, low-key game is ''still'' better than a completely scripted event in a Triple-A Game such as, say, VideoGame/DeadSpace3, where, in his words "-I looked down a corridor with [[JumpScare fifteen vents along the wall]] and [[OhNoNotAgain thought to myself]] 'Yep, [[BloodSplatteredWarrior should've gone for the shampoo especially formulated for bodily fluids]]', and the music guy would trip and somehow fall on every button on his mixing desk.". |
| 861 | [[/folder]] |
| 862 | |
| 863 | [[folder:[=BioShock=] Infinite]] |
| 864 | * When Yahtzee says that ''Infinite'' is a worthy sequel to the original ''Videogame/{{BioShock|1}}'' |
| 865 | -->'''Viewer:''' Don't you mean [[VideoGame/BioShock2 second sequel]], Yahtzee?\ |
| 866 | ''[{{beat}}]''\ |
| 867 | '''Yahtzee: [[FanonDiscontinuity GET OUT.]]''' |
| 868 | * The repeated statements about the game disappearing up its own butt, leading to a particularly hilarious end joke. |
| 869 | * "Andrew Ryan had some weird ideas about sweat ownership, but he was articulate, dangerously intelligent, and wouldn't let someone like Comstock run the fucking hot tap!" |
| 870 | ** During the "sweat ownership" bit, we see Andrew Ryan wiping off his forehead sweat with a cloth and wringing it into a large glass jar while proclaiming that "It's all mine!" to a confused bystander. |
| 871 | * Yahtzee's description that tells his love for the swashbuckling tone the game's ''Skyhook'' system gives: |
| 872 | -->I'd swoop down from on high, machine-gunning racists, then jump off and kick the last survivor off the ledge and feel like ''Errol [[PrecisionFStrike Fucking]] Flynn''. I was almost afraid of landing in case I got bounced away on balls like a couple of hairy ''Space Hoppers''. |
| 873 | * [[DisappointingLastLevel Shitty Final Level Syndrome]], A.K.A. "The Shinfles". |
| 874 | * Also his description of Booker getting outed at the Raffle as the "False Shepherd": |
| 875 | -->Columbia starts off perfectly fine, resembling a idyllic, cartoonishly-racist Disneyland until Father Comstock, city leader and alleged prophet, marks out [=DeWitt=] as the guy who's destined to fuck everyone up, [[SelfFulfillingProphecy so he's forced to fuck everyone up after they all turn on him for being the guy who's going to fuck everyone up]]. Comparisons to ''VideoGame/BioShock'' are as inevitable as [[IsTheAnswerToThisQuestionYes a bear shitting on a Catholic]], or however that phrase goes, and under that light Infinite falls kind of short. |
| 876 | * The "Santa Claus: Our Prophet" posters. |
| 877 | ** Also a background scene shown while Yahtzee is describing Comstock as a villain who can't be taken seriously, where Comstock, dressed like Santa, is walking on a floor made of Black people with shit-covered shoes. Yahtzee's response? Put a crown on his head with a sign titled [[RacistGrandma "World's Best Grandpa"]]. |
| 878 | * "And it certainly has a better ending than ''[=BioShock=]'', which isn't saying a whole lot. A situation wherein a man with a gun is ordering you to dig a shallow grave in the woods would probably end better than ''[=BioShock=] 1'' did." |
| 879 | -->'''Man:''' ''<while pointing a gun at Yahtzee as he digs a hole in the ground, suddenly brandishing a small tree>'' [[BaitAndSwitch Now plant this sapling]] |
| 880 | * The butt puns are pretty hilarious, even in the end credits. |
| 881 | [[/folder]] |
| 882 | |
| 883 | [[folder:LEGO City Undercover]] |
| 884 | * Describing the "pre-''VideoGame/BioShockInfinite'' mass": |
| 885 | -->"Where the mayor of {{VideoGame/SimCity}} is a [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance cyborg ninja]] wearing [[VideoGame/TombRaider2013 two very skimpy vests]] and is diverting civic funds into [[VideoGame/NiNoKuni bringing their dead mum back to life]]." |
| 886 | * Attempting to shake off the "post-''[=BioShock=]'' melancholy": |
| 887 | --> "Ooh, LEGO City! [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Cheerful, colourful, charming, plastic objects lodged in the sole of the foot.]] NO! Positive now!" |
| 888 | * On whether the game is really what the UsefulNotes/WiiU needs right now: |
| 889 | -->"I wouldn't say so; I mean, it doesn't even resemble a pneumatic drill!" |
| 890 | * Studs all have the face [[Creator/DavidHasselhoff of a stud]]. |
| 891 | ** And near the end, one of them holds a knife to a player's throat while telling him to "Keep smiling". |
| 892 | [[/folder]] |
| 893 | |
| 894 | [[folder:Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon]] |
| 895 | * So. Many. Innuendos! Hell, quite a few of the comments reference just how "homoerotic" the review is. Although it's hardly surprising given that this is a game which employs [[WeaponsThatSuck "sucking"]] as the central game mechanic. And it's [[FreudianSlipperySlope Yahtzee]] who's doing the review. Fellatio jokes are almost unavoidable. |
| 896 | -->Ghost (being fought over by 4 different Luigis in an Online co-op game): "All this for little ol' me." |
| 897 | [[/folder]] |
| 898 | |
| 899 | [[folder:Injustice: Gods Among Us]] |
| 900 | * [[SarcasticClapping [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap] [clap]]] [[NonSequiturThud WONK]]. |
| 901 | [[/folder]] |
| 902 | |
| 903 | [[folder:FarCry 3: Blood Dragon]] |
| 904 | * [FRAME RESET] |
| 905 | * "A story campaign that you could miss entirely if a large dog happens to run past the screen at the wrong moment," illustrated with Yahtzee glaring at the dog for doing so. |
| 906 | * The image for "Eighties sci-fi action" is Adam Ant with a cyborg laser eye. |
| 907 | * "At the end of the cyber-day...", which is illustrated by a setting sun with a cyborg laser eye. |
| 908 | * Two about the clearing out of garrisons: looking back to the ordinary ''[=FarCry=] 3'', where you could leave it to "Mr. Whiskers and the forest friends", and pointing out that if there are no more enemies in the line of sight of the blood dragons, they may decide to "snack of some of Kyle Reese's Pieces instead; perhaps a plate of fish and Hicks!" |
| 909 | * Calling out the [[AntiClimax anticlimactic]] ending of the game, saying that there should have been a "disco arena space battle with another guard and armoured laser-dinosaur" where both combatants wield "''[[Series/AmericanGladiators American Gladiator]]''-style paddles with hedge trimmers strapped to the ends". |
| 910 | * "Who could've predicted that a man dressed as a giant light-up purple cock would turn a few heads at the Paint-Drying Appreciation Society?" |
| 911 | [[/folder]] |
| 912 | |
| 913 | [[folder:Metro: Last Light]] |
| 914 | * "...apparently disregarding all the other cities in the world with underground transit systems, but maybe they've all been lost to rampaging hordes of cannibalistic buskers." |
| 915 | * "So there’s a quite hefty percentage of this game where I feel we're lacking a sense of agency, but when I point that out the game gets kind of pissy." |
| 916 | -->'''Metro: Last Light:''' “''Oh'', you want to feel like you’re the master of your destiny, do you? Fine! Go run around the [[EverythingTryingToKillYou surface]] for a bit”. |
| 917 | -->"So I do that, but then I’m all like," |
| 918 | -->'''Yahtzee''': “This [[DemonicSpiders big-winged monster]] keeps trying to get me to play fetch with my entire body as the stick. Am I supposed to be killing it or just getting the fuck away?”. |
| 919 | -->'''Metro: Last Light''': “Sorry! Can’t make it any clearer because Mr. '''Free Will''' thinks I’ve been ''railroading'' him too much!” |
| 920 | -->[[{{Pun}} "Railroading,]] [[RunningGag LOL."]] |
| 921 | * "Oh god, don’t give this game to a modern warfare player, whatever you do! Five minutes surrounded by Russian accents they’re not allowed to shoot at, and they’ll chew their own arms off!" |
| 922 | * TheStinger: "When Artyom eats food does he go om yom yom [[LamePunReaction oh for fuck's sake]]." |
| 923 | [[/folder]] |
| 924 | |
| 925 | |
| 926 | [[folder:Next Gen Buyer's Guide]] |
| 927 | * "So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played, where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: [[EpicFail A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a Magus of the Vineyard]] from ''TabletopGame/MagicTheGathering.''" |
| 928 | * Yahtzee's reaction to the [=PS4=]'s social interaction functions: "Any chance of getting a dedicated 'Fuck Off' button on the controller, Sony?" |
| 929 | * Yahtzee's bridge analogy regarding making games for the Wii U. |
| 930 | -->"...recently a critical blow was dealt when someone at EA unguardedly mentioned that they weren't making any games for [the UsefulNotes/WiiU], because if they have to bring water to a dying man in a desert, then giving it to the man with no arms or legs who refuses to stop eating crisps might be a bit of a waste. EA did backtrack on that remark though, perhaps realizing that before you burn a bridge, it might be smarter to wait and make sure the other two bridges aren't going to ''spontaneously combust.''" |
| 931 | * "'''DON'T!'''" |
| 932 | * Yahtzee's hilarious prediction of the dire consequences of the Platform/XBoxOne's Kinect system always being on: |
| 933 | -->"Oh, but the Kinect needs to be on all the time so you know when you're barking orders at it, but I want to feel comfortable talking about the Xbox in front of it. I might unguardedly say 'I hope Xbox doesn't nuke the Chinese' and then who knows what might happen." |
| 934 | -->*''Graphic shows the Kinect hearing the quoted part as "Platform/XBox: Nuke the Chinese," followed by a nuclear missile launching from the top of the Kinect''* |
| 935 | * Getting taken down and reposted to serve as Yahtzee's traditional "Shut up and let me enjoy my holiday break" video on Christmas Day is pretty chuckleworthy. |
| 936 | [[/folder]] |
| 937 | |
| 938 | [[folder:Fuse]] |
| 939 | * "Yaaaaaaaaawn... Sorry, ''Fuse''. You're not boring me, I was just up late last night." Cue image of a trash can containing a picture of a dolphin and several discarded tissues. |
| 940 | ** "All together now... Private Military Corporation." ''["Private Military Shitheads"]'' |
| 941 | ** "You know what, ''Fuse'', I take it back. You ''are'' boring me!" |
| 942 | * The punchline of the shallow characterisation: "And finally Black Man, who's just happy to be here." |
| 943 | * "URGH! I just thought about ''Clive Barker's Jericho''! Thanks a lot, ''Fuse''!" |
| 944 | ** Speaking of ''Clive Barker'': |
| 945 | --->'''Yahtzee''': It's not a winning feature 'cos I ended up using the same character the whole way through anyway and the few interesting aspects of combat depended on characters working in conjunction. For example, many rooms suggest stealth-killing as many guards as you can before resorting to all-out firefight like it's taped a slice of processed ham to its chest and said "Feel our many different textures". But to do that to any significant degree, you need to be able to take out more than one guy simultaneously because they're all looking at each other and in single-player, the three AI partners just sit around the entrance of the room sniffing at each other's butts. |
| 946 | * Also: |
| 947 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Desperate Dan has a magic shield and everyone else has guns that make people die if you keep pointing them correctly. Well, maybe I'd be less dismissive of them if the rest of the game wasn't so bloody boring! ''[while he speaks, Yahtzee tosses out the gun with a "feh", and the scene cuts to him sleeping in bed near the TV]'' |
| 948 | * Yahtzee also talks about the increasing number of enemies: |
| 949 | -->"Eight hours in, I was only on mission five 'cos every mission was tortuously stretched out into room after room after room of inexhaustible supplies of dudes with way too much health who just keep spawning and spawning and talking in run-on sentences." ''[as he speaks, imps are gathered in a pile in one of the three boxes (middle one), followed by another pile of imps, this time with huge biceps, in the box on the right]'' |
| 950 | * "Playing ''Fuse'' is like having a conversation with a really thick person." |
| 951 | -->'''Yahtzee''': Alright, ''Fuse'', what have you got for me?\ |
| 952 | '''''Fuse''''': ''[in a dopey voice]'' Cover-based shooting!\ |
| 953 | '''Yahtzee''': Yeah, that's pretty evident, what else have you got?\ |
| 954 | '''''Fuse''''': ...I don't get you.\ |
| 955 | '''Yahtzee''': Well, cover-based shooting is more of a connecting element than a central one. What do you have besides cover-based shooting?\ |
| 956 | '''''Fuse''''': ...You could stand up.\ |
| 957 | '''Yahtzee''': If I stood up, would I get shot?\ |
| 958 | '''''Fuse''''': Yes. |
| 959 | [[/folder]] |
| 960 | |
| 961 | [[folder:Remember Me]] |
| 962 | * Yahtzee pointing out the pitfalls of how to name a game: the many analogies (all of which are funny in their own way) are capped off with him saying the title SHOULD NOT be something gaming journalists can twist into snarky headlines: "'Remember Me?' [[ReviewIronicEcho Kinda forgettable]]. (Puts on CoolShades and [[SmokingIsCool smokes]] [[CigarChomper a cigar]]) ''Arf-arf!''" |
| 963 | * Yahtzee complimenting how Nilin's butt is framed on the cover, claiming he likes to pretend ''it's'' saying the title out loud (complete with a SpeechBubble framing the title coming out of Nilin's ass). |
| 964 | --> '''Nilan's Butt:''' Remember Me! |
| 965 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' [[MaleGaze Certainly will!]] |
| 966 | * The constant jabs at how blatantly obvious the story is trying to set up the PlotTwist to the point it's TheUntwist, to the point Yahtzee claims the game was [[YodelLand yodeling]] "TWIST! TWIST! TWIST!" like a mountain-top pretzel shack. |
| 967 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' "Finally, without wishing to [[{{Spoiler}} spoil]], [[WildMassGuessing the twists I came up with]] [[SugarWiki/BetterThanCanon were WAY better than the ones the plot actually had]]. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Not that I'm spoiling that there's a twist]]. Maybe the twist is that [[TheUnTwist there is no twist]], [[ParanoiaFuel you just don't know]]. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Maybe the twist is that this review won't end two words from now]]." [{{Beat}}] "DOUBLE TWIST!" *holds up two pretzels* |
| 968 | * The revelation of one the characters being named "Edge" ("[[RebelLeader revolutionary leader]] and [[BlatantLies former U2 guitarist]]"), eventually leading to [[TakeThat several hilarious jabs at Bono]]. |
| 969 | [[/folder]] |
| 970 | |
| 971 | !! 2013, Quarter 3 |
| 972 | [[folder:[=E3=] 2013]] |
| 973 | * From the very first line, Yahtzee isn't messing about with his disdain for the entire E3 mess. |
| 974 | -->Hey, who's excited for the cavalcade of cutting-edge entertainment announced at this year's E3? [[TakeThat Cockheads, since you ask.]] |
| 975 | * Depicting the PR outcomes of both the [=XBox=] One and [=PS4=] with with an image of a paddling pool, where Sony proclaims itself "KING O' DA POOL", followed by Microsoft drowning itself. |
| 976 | * On ''Mirror's Edge 2'': "What's that? You were hoping to see some of the free-running gameplay in the free-running game? Well, hope into one hand, shit into the other, and see which one fills up first, motherfucker." |
| 977 | * The idea that Yahtzee has been sending {{Creator/Valve}} love cards complete with little pasta shells. |
| 978 | * Microsoft at the International Don't Fuck Up Championship, stabbing itself repeatedly in the gut while screaming "It's for your own good. ''It's for your own good!''", paving the way for Sony to win the Sickest Burn in the History of the Universe trophy simply for saying "I don't want to stab myself in the stomach, [[CaptainObvious that shit hurts]]". |
| 979 | * His take on [[{{VideoGame/RyseSonOfRome}} Ryse: Son of Rome]] being [[FollowTheLeader too much like current military shooters]]: "Now all we need is a derisive pun. [[VideoGame/MedalOfHonor Medal of Roma]]: Aegean Warfighter? [[VideoGame/CallOfDuty Call-igula of Duty]]? [[{{VideoGame/Wolfenstein2009}} Return To Castle Vulcan-stein]]? I'll work on it." |
| 980 | * He also pointed out a few bits of FridgeLogic regarding the ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolidVThePhantomPain'' gameplay video that was shown off. |
| 981 | -->The footage of Snake 'n Bake or whatever his codename is now trotting through a vast desert on a horse was repeatedly fast-forwarded. Why was that, MGS 5? [[{{Padding}} "Because the bits we fast-forwarded over were boring!"]] But presumably, [[FridgeLogic you can't fast-forward over them in the actual game]]. "...nnnnno." So... the actual game will be boring, then. [[OhCrap "....yyyyeees."]] |
| 982 | [[/folder]] |
| 983 | |
| 984 | [[folder:Deadpool]] |
| 985 | * "You don't see a lot of straight comedy in AAA games these days, do you, like your ''VideoGame/MonkeyIsland''s or your ''VideoGame/ConkersBadFurDay'' [[TakeThat or your]] ''[[VideoGame/KaneAndLynch Kane & Lynch 2]]''." |
| 986 | * Yahtzee's attempts at random humour. |
| 987 | --> "A bunny with a pancake?" Yeah that was pretty random, well done. I can be random too, listen: "Fuck off, you perenial shitstain!" Oh sorry, I did that wrong. |
| 988 | --> [...] |
| 989 | --> Twatty bastardy pancakes, this is random humour, hope everyone's enjoying it. |
| 990 | * "I'm pretty sure the new Microsoft Word will create the design document for this if you press Shift-Control-F5." |
| 991 | * [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance Where's Deadpool's giant robot spider fight and shirtless wrestling match with Senator Super Saiyan Seven?]] |
| 992 | * [[invoked]] "Oh, don't be like that, baby! ''[[VideoGame/{{Superman64}} Superman 64]]'' [[TakeThat was years ago!]]" |
| 993 | [[/folder]] |
| 994 | |
| 995 | [[folder:Animal Crossing: New Leaf]] |
| 996 | * The opening lines of the review in their entirety, where he describes how bizarre he found the experience of playing ''Animal Crossing'' for the first time to be. |
| 997 | -->'''Yathzee:''' Imagine what it would be like to have [[PuppeteerParasite your body taken over by some strange alien intelligence]], [[AndIMustScream but with you still being alive and conscious inside]], [[ForcedToWatch silently screaming and staring out your own eyes as your limbs move by themselves and your voice speaks words that are not your own]]! Imagine then that instead of [[KillAllHumans trying to undermine the human race]] or [[MarsNeedsWomen sex up your wife]], your mysterious puppeteer instead [[MundaneUtility made you do really innocuous things]] like bum around the house in slippers, do a bit of gardening, make some oat biscuits and go out of your way to ''avoid'' having sex with your wife.\ |
| 998 | That's basically what playing ''Animal Crossing: New Leaf'' is like; a weird mix of [[BreadEggsMilkSquick entrapment, Sunday teatime banality and staring existential horror]], [[TakeThat not unlike daytime television]]. The higher part of your brain can see how utterly asinine the experience is, but it's just getting dragged along for the ride like a bunch of helium balloons tied to a wonky supermarket trolley! "[[SarcasmMode Sure, lower part of the brain]], a blue-tiled roof probably ''would'' solve our constantly crushing sense of emptiness- ''[[SuddenlyShouting OH GOD, STOOOP]]!!!"'' |
| 999 | ** Some further details also deserve to be mentioned; Not only is [=Possessed!Yahtzee's=] first move after taking control of Yahtzee's body [[TooDumbToLive to punch]] a [[BearsAreBadNews bear]] and shout "[[SuicidalOverconfidence COME AND HAVE A GO]]", but [=Possessed!Yahtzee's=] attempt to undermine mankind consists of holding a press conference where they remark "...[[MissingStepsPlan AND THAT'S WHY I THINK]] [[SuicidePact WE SHOULD ALL KILL OURSELVES]]", their attempt to seduce "their" wife is depicted by them trying to sing the chorus to "[[Music/{{Oasis}} Wonderwall]]", and they then later shrug off "their" [[AllWomenAreLustful wife's amorous intentions]] with a dismissive "NOT NOW, MAVIS". |
| 1000 | * [[invoked]] After being introduced as the town's new mayor, Yahtzee briefly goes into an amusingly strange aside about how [[UnintentionalUncannyValley unintentionally freaky]] [[StepfordSuburbia the whole town is]] and how suspicious the whole setup can come across as. |
| 1001 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The premise of ''New Leaf'' is that upon arriving at a randomly chosen coastal village of animal people, the locals welcome you as the new mayor they've been expecting, something you have no knowledge of but all the paperwork checks out and it even references you by name. Already I'm getting a creepy sort of Patrick [=McGoohan=] in ''Series/{{The Prisoner|1967}}'' vibe from all this! Like I'm going to wake up one night and find the koala man from two doors down standing at the foot of my bed maintaining unblinking eye contact ''[[SurprisinglyCreepyMoment as he unhinges his jaw and swallows a live guinea pig]]!'' |
| 1002 | * As he notes how the UltimateAuthorityMayor that is the PlayerCharacter is responsible for singlehandedly managing the prettiness and stability of the whole town, he then grouses about how this means the player can't really enjoy much of anything they find. |
| 1003 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' It's a ''very'' bleak experience. A life catching fish might ''seem'' idyllic, but do you think you're ever going to eat them? Have a little fish fry and piss up on the beach with all your pals? ''No,'' the moment your inventory's full, it's straight down to the pawn shop to flog the lot. "Oh thank you for this thoughtful gift of a lovely sofa, Goose-woman. It doesn't go with my place, but it would just look perfect at the '''''pawn shop'''''!" "Oh, what a beautiful butterfly, the morning dew beading like perfect jewels on multicoloured- Don't care, '''''pawn shop'''''! Gimme my bells, ''I'm in deep to the raccoon mob!''" |
| 1004 | * And ''immediately'' following the above, Yahtzee proceeds to go on a hysterically long-winded and pseudo-philosophical rant about the game giving the player a SelfInflictedHell regarding loan payments to Tom Nook through SchmuckBait[[note]]What makes it all even funnier is how most of the review's commenters both on-and-off [=YouTube=] [[RealitySubtext have noted that]] not only is it all one [[OverlyLongGag absurdly long]] [[TakeThat diatribe]] regarding capitalism, but FromACertainPointOfView, Yahtzee's basically providing a summary of [[GrowingUpSucks virtually any adult's life after college]][[/note]]: |
| 1005 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The raccoon moneylender who gives you your home loan being the local mafia don [[ObligatoryJoke is the obvious]] ''Animal Crossing'' joke, but what stuck out for me in ''New Leaf'' is that once you've paid off one loan, he doesn't upgrade your house and put you in more debt until you specifically ask him to. But that's ''worse!'' Music/{{Radiohead}} put it best: "You do it to yourself, [[SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud ba-dow-dow]], and that's what really hurts". Go, run back to your newly paid-for house, lie upon your bed and listen to the ticking of the clock, you'll ''break!'' You'll be back at the house shop inside 24 hours! Paying off that loan was the only reason you got up in the morning, went fishing, exchanged the time of day with the local brightly-coloured ''dullards!'' [[WantingIsBetterThanHaving Existing with nothing to strive for is no existence at all!]] "A life free of debt?!" ''You naïve fool!'' '''''DEBT''''' '''IS''' '''''YOUR LIFE!!!''''' |
| 1006 | * "[[BreadEggsMilkSquick All the fossils will grow back tomorrow, you can replace your broke-ass fishing rod tomorrow, we'll know if your eyeball cancer's responding to treatment tomorrow]]." |
| 1007 | * After giving praise for how the towns are all (to a degree) randomly generated, he then complains about how there's still no chance of "getting a place where [[WeirdWeather it rains mayonnaise]] on a bronze statue of UsefulNotes/{{Margaret Thatcher}}'s [[TakeThat left bollock]]." |
| 1008 | * Yahtzee's explanation for why it's so difficult to tear oneself away from playing ''Animal Crossing'' is that the game gives you "[[ComesGreatResponsibility that most poisonous of gifts]]: ''responsibility''." |
| 1009 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' [[AllUpToYou Only you]] can keep the weeds under control and do everyone's odd jobs. If you fail to check in for a while, you'll come back to find the animal residents sucking on the tearducts of corpses for hydration and giving each other [[GlasgowGrin Glasgow smiles]] [[DisproportionateRetribution over the last classy sofa in the pawn shop]]! |
| 1010 | * [[invoked]] Following the above, he positively compares ''Animal Crossing'' to the ''VideoGame/CookingMama'' games, [[RealMenWearPink which he turns out]] [[HiddenDepths to be a big fan of]]. While in and of itself that's just [[SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments kind of weirdly sweet and endearing]], Yahtzee's ''[[SpoofAesop reasoning]]'' behind his love for ''Cooking Mama'' and [[ICantBelieveItsNotHeroin the comparison he draws]] between it and ''Animal Crossing'' is just hilarious: |
| 1011 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' [''Animal Crossing''] has the ''Cooking Mama'' quality. I'm just going to say it; I ''enjoy'' playing ''Cooking Mama'' because gaming is an eternal quest for petty victories, and there are none pettier than being ridiculously overpraised by a warm motherly voice for completing simple tasks! It is basically the quickest way to score! Not much of a high, but easy enough to get that it doesn't matter so much, the video game equivalent of solvent abuse. |
| 1012 | * [[invoked]] Yahtzee noting how the ComplacentGamingSyndrome of ''Animal Crossing'' actually helps better suck the player in and make [[MundaneMadeAwesome even the most mundane developments seem remarkable]]. |
| 1013 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Finally, once you are more familiar with your town layout than you are with your mum's house and each day becomes a dull routine of pawning fish and birthday presents, ''anything'' that relieves the monotony becomes exciting. "Ooo, they're opening the flower shop! Can't wait til tomorrow!" And my higher brain can only shake its head. "Look at you, Yahtzee Croshaw; the virile [[CausticCritic mountain lion of game criticism]], [[RealMenWearPink excited by a flower shop.]]" |
| 1014 | * And hilariously enough, despite actually giving the game a pretty positive review (well, [[AccentuateTheNegative relatively speaking, at least]]), Yahtzee then goes on to state that he's ''not'' recommending the game because [[JustOneMoreLevel of how of your life it will consume once you actually start playing it]]. |
| 1015 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Don't ''start'' playing ''Animal Crossing''. ''Animal Crossing'' doesn't end and can't be won. At some point, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick you're gonna get bored, or catch Alzheimer's, or get trapped by a house fire]], and your town ''will'' be abandoned, prompting several random number generators in tasteless shirts to express silent disappointment ''at your screaming melting flesh.'' [[AnArmAndALeg Might as well snap off the limb before it grows nerve endings]]. |
| 1016 | * The ending of the review: |
| 1017 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' You know, there's a theory that the popularity of violent war games in a community goes down the closer that community is to an actual war, in which case Animal Crossing is the best possible game for soldiers in UsefulNotes/WorldWarI trenches. [[ScrewTheWarWerePartying Maybe at the Christmas truce, they can all rise up and exchange Streetpass codes.]] |
| 1018 | -->'''German Soldier:''' Ach, you vill reveal your secrets, you Britischer svine! At vhat time of year did you catch [[InfinityPlusOneSword ze vhale shark]]?! |
| 1019 | [[/folder]] |
| 1020 | |
| 1021 | [[folder:Ride to Hell: Retribution]] |
| 1022 | * After his episode for ''VideoGame/TheLastOfUs'' got Yahtzee a ''lot'' of controversy from the fans of the game, he suggests a "bonding exercise" is in order, which he uses as an analogy for the review: |
| 1023 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Load up your shotguns, join me around this barrel, and lets take it out on ''some motherfucking FISH!!!'' |
| 1024 | ** "[[FunnyBackgroundEvent EXCUSE ME WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP]]" |
| 1025 | * Yahtzee then goes into elaborate detail about just how '''ridiculously bad''' ''Ride to Hell'' is... then says [[SoBadItsGood that's the reason everybody should run out and buy it]]. |
| 1026 | ** Special mention goes for him skewering the game's ExcusePlot, which has the main character try to find out the truth about his DisappearedDad, and why the BigBad is murdering all of his relatives. |
| 1027 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' ...Which I'm just gonna spoil because ''fuck you'': in a climactic showdown, the evil gang leader [[TheUnreveal grandly reveals]] [[CaptainObviousReveal that it was all because he didn't like Jake's dad much]]. ''[{{Beat}}]'' '''''That's''''' the mystery!? I assumed ''that'' much when he sent eleven-thousand murderers dressed like Music/GunsNRoses backup drummers! |
| 1028 | * The game's full title is technically ''Ride to Hell: Retribution: 1%''. Yahtzee clarifies the "1%" refers to [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outlaw_motorcycle_club#One_percenter an apocryphal statement that 99% of motorbike riders are law-abiding citizens]], not [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_are_the_99%25 bikers getting rich by trading stock in the knife-fighting industry]]. |
| 1029 | -->'''Well-Dressed Biker:''' ''[addressing two other bikers knife-fighting on a table]'' Hoping to see some movement this quarter, guys. |
| 1030 | * His sheer exasperation at the game's failings summarized in one line: |
| 1031 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' It's hard to think of even one thing Ride to Hell ''doesn't'' fuck up!! |
| 1032 | ** "[[TemptingFate Lie there and don't move]]." ''(game immediately falls through the floor)'' |
| 1033 | * [[invoked]] And despite that sheer exasperation, the best part of the video is how freaking ''elated'' he sounds to review something so atrocious, followed by him [[CrossesTheLineTwice equating the game to a mentally disabled child]]. |
| 1034 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Ride to Hell'' is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face. It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great ''dump'' in its big boy pants going "I'm a real game now!" Of ''course'' you are, ''Ride To Hell''. |
| 1035 | [[/folder]] |
| 1036 | |
| 1037 | [[folder:Dark]] |
| 1038 | * Yahtzee opens the review suggesting that just straight out calling your game ''Dark'' is reaching the zenith/nadir of DarkerAndEdgier. |
| 1039 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that [[TrueArtIsAngsty the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off]]. |
| 1040 | * "Considering ''Ride To Hell'', what ''is'' this, Absolute Garbage Awareness Month?!" |
| 1041 | * The metaphor for Microsoft lowering their quality standards due to the approaching end of the seventh console generation. |
| 1042 | -->'''Father:''' Alright, son; we had fun on this boat over the years, but now it's time to sink it to the ocean floor and let all the bottom-feeders live in it.\ |
| 1043 | '''Son:''' But, daddy! [[StatingTheSimpleSolution Couldn't we just put a better engine on the boat]], and not have to destroy all our cherished memories?\ |
| 1044 | '''Father:''' I think ''someone'' needs to go back in the naughty-box! |
| 1045 | * [[invoked]] These remarks below where Yahtzee complains about how [[{{Narm}} unintentionally silly]] the main character's name is: |
| 1046 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Dark'' opens up with the protagonist [[LaserGuidedAmnesia waking up with no memory]] except that his name is "Eric Bane". Oh God, ''that's'' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck a demoralizing start, isn't it]]?! Realizing you sound like the pseudonym under which a struggling author [[ShoutOut writes]] [[Literature/ViridianSaga erotic Twilight knock-offs]]? ''[a poster for a romance novel suddenly appears titled "To Love a Shoggoth", with a muscular man on the cover who is embracing a young woman [[EyesDoNotBelongThere suddenly having eyes cover his body]] [[AmazingTechnicolorPopulation and his skin turn green]]]'' |
| 1047 | * "Eric is informed that he is a vampire, because a vampire drank all his blood, but either they immediately forget about that particular rule ''[accompanied by a illustration of a story writer at a typewriter saying "Fuck it, that'll do!" while they quickly toss a page over their shoulder]'', or Eric creates about fifty more vampires during the course of every single combat section. Hey, I've got an idea -- How about we play one of ''them?'' I wanna reroll my character, maybe one that didn't get snake-eyes for charisma!" |
| 1048 | ** It's also worth noting that when Yahtzee is complaining about how unlikable and non-charismatic Eric is, he depicts the fact that he "rolled a character with snake-eyes for charisma" [[TakeThat as having the face of]] Creator/AndrewLloydWebber. |
| 1049 | * Yahtzee mocking the game's badly written {{Dialogue Tree}}s by applying one to a conversation someone might have at a party. Made even funnier by how the person Yahtzee's talking to at the party is getting more and more visibly disturbed as Yahtzee continues to go on his bizarre tangents all while creepily staring at him. |
| 1050 | -->@@[[ItMakesSenseInContext TELL ME MORE ABOUT AUDIBLE SOUND]].@@ |
| 1051 | ** Ending with: |
| 1052 | --->@@I'M DONE WITH TALKING ABOUT YOUR NEW ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. '''TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR LIVING ROOM.'''@@ |
| 1053 | * "Hey, wait a minute! Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that exactly the same super power as a ''man with a gun?!"'' |
| 1054 | * [[invoked]] Yahtzee's comments on the game's desperate attempts to hide [[FollowTheLeader their many similarities]] to ''VideoGame/VampireTheMasqueradeBloodlines'': |
| 1055 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' During one conversation, Eric goes "TELL ME MORE ABOUT VAMPIRE SOCIETY," and the dude goes "There isn't one, really. See, we're not ripping off ''TabletopGame/VampireTheMasquerade!"'' But in his very next line, [[ImmediateSelfContradiction he says]] "I wouldn't expect a 'half-blood' to understand." [[SarcasmMode Oh, okay]], [[LogicBomb no society but there is classism]]. Do you wanna go back and [[https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/screen_shot_2014-09-19_at_7_45_45_pm_1349.png maybe write a second draft]]? |
| 1056 | * "In conclusion, [[ThatCameOutWrong suck my Dark dick!]] ...[[VerbalBackspace I mean]], suck my dick, ''Dark''!" |
| 1057 | [[/folder]] |
| 1058 | |
| 1059 | [[folder: Mario & Luigi: Dream Team]] |
| 1060 | * "The gameplay of Dream Team Bros is basically the same as Bowser's Inside Story. It switches between an isometric real world and 2D platforming inner world. Bowser's duodenum in the first case ("In yer go") and Luigi's brain in the second ("Chop Chop"). Both equally fucked up in their own special ways." (Mario, despite looking horrified from both options, opts for Luigi's brain, and you can see Luigi's head bulge from his entry). |
| 1061 | * "[[ItMakesSenseInContext It's like if Hugh Grant had stumbled into a parallel world where awkward British charm could be used to generate electricity.]]" |
| 1062 | [[/folder]] |
| 1063 | |
| 1064 | [[folder:Rise of the Triad]] |
| 1065 | * Yahtzee's praise for how the remake brings back the original's most beloved features: |
| 1066 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' So we can speed around shooting the baddies like a ''Theatre/StarlightExpress'' cast member going postal? ''[one cast member says, [[VerbThis "Remember this."]]]''\ |
| 1067 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Yep!\ |
| 1068 | '''Yahtzee:''' And we can fire cartoonishly powerful rocket launcher in mid-air?\ |
| 1069 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Yep!\ |
| 1070 | '''Yahtzee:''' [[NonIndicativeName And it's still fuck-all to do with Triads?]]\ |
| 1071 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Yep! And we still have the power-up that turns you into a dog!\ |
| 1072 | '''Yahtzee:''' ''(gasps excitedly)'' [[CutenessProximity With the little doggy nose at the bottom of the screen?]]\ |
| 1073 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Yep!\ |
| 1074 | '''Yahtzee:''' And the little adorable paw coming up when you press buttons?\ |
| 1075 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Err... no, we forgot about that.\ |
| 1076 | ''({{beat}})''\ |
| 1077 | '''Yahtzee:''' ...'''[[TheyChangedItNowItSucks ONE STAR!]]''' |
| 1078 | * This following quote, where Yahztee explains how the remake had to adapt to it no longer being [=2.5D=] and having such a low resolution that "enemies more than 50 yards away appeared to be camouflaged as {{VideoGame/Tetris}} blocks": |
| 1079 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' So to evoke the same spirit, they just made the graphics really fucking murky so that distant enemies blend into the background and locating the assholes turns into some kind of hardcore bullet-themed game of Marco Polo. |
| 1080 | * The enraged rant about the ''significant'' difficulty spike in the second act of the game: |
| 1081 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Rise of the Triad'' does a ''very'' naughty thing around the second act.\ |
| 1082 | '''Rise of the Triad:''' Bet you're enjoying all this fast paced violence, aren't you? But this isn't a perfect recreation of 90's retro shooters yet! We haven't had enough ''shitty first-person platforming challenges!'' Hope you like trying to accurately jump onto tiny platforms when your feet exist only hypothetically. Because if you don't do it perfect we're going to '''kill you!''' And then '''laugh!''' ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking And then display your corpse at the museum of failure wearing a silly hat!]]'' |
| 1083 | ** Coming off of that is his complaint that sometimes, the mentality of "warts-and-all remakes" can be like "going to the Renaissance fair and getting infected with bubonic plague while the king shags your wife." |
| 1084 | * Yahtzee then follows the above statement by making it clear that quicksaves are ''infinitely'' better than autosaves: |
| 1085 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But on the other hand it's not entirely the fault of retro-gaming. Because you know what the original ''Rise of the Triad'' had? ''Quicksave!'' Not autosave, presided-over by a sloth reading a really interesting magazine! First person jumping challenges are a bit of a pisser, but an entire sequence of the things that you have to start all over again at the slightest failure is a 12-story ''flying'' pisser circling the neighbourhood, [[FromBadToWorse contaminating all the swimming pools!]] |
| 1086 | ** In fact, the whole review's got a noticeable RunningGag regarding [[ToiletHumour piss]] from beginning to end. |
| 1087 | * Yahtzee's reaction to the game mocking him for failure and the accompanying visual regarding what he'd want to do to the annoying commander's insults: |
| 1088 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I'd fantasize about impaling the voice actor with an ocean liner piston, ''[[AssShove butthole-first]].'' |
| 1089 | * When Yahtzee compares casual games...: |
| 1090 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''(while talking in a cutesy voice and with a flower in his hat)'' Now when you're ready, I want you to press this button. ''[Imp misses the button]'' Okay, that was slightly to the ''left'' of the button, ''[Yahtzee hugs the Imp]'' but keep trying, you're doing ''ever'' so well! |
| 1091 | ** ...to hardcore games...: |
| 1092 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' ''[while wearing CoolShades and a [[HellBentForLeather leather jacket]]]'' Oh, look at ''this'' wee-man, thinks he can roll with us? Maybe if you ''ate this entire live crab right now.'' '''While I'm hitting you.''' '''''[[SerialEscalation With the crab!]]''''' |
| 1093 | ** ...and then says that [[Administrivia/TropesAreTools both methods are good]], except when [[GoldenMeanFallacy games try to have it both ways]]: |
| 1094 | --->'''Yahtzee:''' ''[in a burly voice while wearing his leather jacket, cool sunglasses and flower-bearing hat]'' Are you the kind of hurly-burly power-armour marine that can save the planet from the giant death crabs from space? Well, prove it, ''[[MundaneMadeAwesome by pressing this button]].'' Now, when you feel up to it, shoot that monster that we tied to a stake and put a giant glowing arrow over. You know what, never mind, I'll do it. |
| 1095 | * The ending: |
| 1096 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Maybe they'll put more levels out. Maybe they'll remember to put some fuckin' triads in them this time. |
| 1097 | ** And in the credits: |
| 1098 | --->I'm very fond of exploring riverbanks in Greece but you do have to be ''[[{{Pun}} wise of the naiads]].'' Had to give up lumberjacking cos' I couldn't stand the ''[[{{Pun}} cries of the Dryads]].'' |
| 1099 | [[/folder]] |
| 1100 | |
| 1101 | [[folder:Papers, Please and Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons]] |
| 1102 | * "More layers of bureaucracy are added to the process over time: passports; permission to travel; permission to work; permission to piss; permission to use run-on sentences...[[note]]"...that is to say, sentences that keep appending bits with commas, like David Frost trying to stall for time as his secret lover flees through the window of the bathroom, or possibly the laundry."[[/note]]" |
| 1103 | * "If they spell their name with a different vowel once, then it's off to talk to [[SecretPolice the nice men with guns, in the building that people go into a lot, but don't seem to come out of so much]]." ''[prison building belches out imp skeletons]'' |
| 1104 | ** "Hey, you know who'd love to see your hairy balls? These nice men with guns!" |
| 1105 | *** Speaking of "hairy balls", at one time a male imp flashes his testicles to Yahtzee and says, "Check them." |
| 1106 | * His analogy that the limited number of upgrades you can give to your booth are about "As much use as a [=WiFi=] connection in the [[UsefulNotes/NaziGermany Auschwitz prison showers]]" CrossesTheLineTwice by itself, but considering the game is a BlackAndGrayMorality tale that takes place in a tyrannical {{Ruritania}}, it really complements the game in a BlackComedy manner. |
| 1107 | * His complaint that "admitting someone that seemed legit and hearing the sound of the obnoxious printer giving me a citation seized my heart more than any number of dead mums" is accompanied by an Imp tears off his head to reveal a grey alien head, the citation saying "Citation: Alien Monster". |
| 1108 | * In a VisualPun, Yahtzee says, "Yeah, I got quibbles," which are portrayed by the tiny imps gnawing at him. |
| 1109 | * While talking about ''Brothers'', Yahtzee wonders why the kids are pulling a ''Film/SavingPrivateRyan'' for their father. The visual shows the kids with army hats firing rapidly and screaming. |
| 1110 | * About the gameplay: |
| 1111 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' The gameplay is best described as single-player co-op, ''[Yahtzee holds two controllers with both hands]'' and I know that sounds like saying "I'm not gay, I only suck off pantomime dames,"[[note]]Before the change, the original line was "...I only suck off pre-op transsexuals"[[/note]] ''[cue a guy posing next to a bearded DragQueen]'' but it is! [...] Thank Christ there's no combat, it would've been like being Professor Creator/StephenHawking's tennis coach. |
| 1112 | * He then refers to the younger brother as 'Custard-Head Drowned-His-Mum.' |
| 1113 | [[/folder]] |
| 1114 | |
| 1115 | [[folder:Pikmin 3]] |
| 1116 | * Right off the bat, Yahtzee pulls a brilliantly tortured metaphor: |
| 1117 | --> "It's like the fucking trenches of the Somme in there! Except the Allied soldiers are physically thrown at the German war machine by their commanders and every German casualty gets dragged into the Allied trenches just to have their flesh minced up and converted into rations. That'll teach me to pre-judge! [[CrapsaccharineWorld Thanks, Pikmin 3, you fucking monster]]!" |
| 1118 | ** "And thank ''you'', Wii U-oh, [[TakeThat your battery died]]." |
| 1119 | * [[ItMakesSenseInContext Shigeru Miyamoto, complete with his trademark smile, tossing helpless cats into a canal.]] |
| 1120 | ** [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext And later on Yahtzee, angrily tossing hamsters into the same.]] |
| 1121 | * Everything involving the dodos. |
| 1122 | * [[invoked]] From the end credits: "The last time I threw a bunch of vegetables around, [[CrossesTheLineTwice I got fired from my job at the coma ward]]." |
| 1123 | [[/folder]] |
| 1124 | |
| 1125 | [[folder:Saints Row [=IV=]]] |
| 1126 | * "Imagine a chart with one horizontal line labeled "''Saints Row 2'': Quirky Crime Sandbox," and another above it labeled "''Saints Row IV'': Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad," then ''Saints Row 3'' kind of sinewaved back and forth between the two." |
| 1127 | * Yahtzee talks about the music: |
| 1128 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Saints Row IV'' also gets a lot of use out of licensed music. The terrorist foiling in the prologue ''[depicted by Yahtzee stopping bin Laden on a missile]'' is leant a sort of charm by having the tune of that one Music/{{Aerosmith}} song from the ''Film/{{Armageddon|1998}}'' soundtrack that everyone seems to be faintly embarrassed to admit is kind of alright. And there are several other examples used to such positive effect, but I eventually realized that the reason for it all was that they did the sandbox crime game thing and licensed a bunch of commercial songs to play on the car radios, before realizing that there was literally no reason to use vehicles because you can run like an escaped chicken ''[which an imp dresses up as]'' through a redneck sex dungeon, so they crowbarred the music in wherever. |
| 1129 | [[/folder]] |
| 1130 | |
| 1131 | [[folder:Killer Is Dead]] |
| 1132 | * "You get subweapons by seducing women in what are termed the Gigolo Missions, to which I am grateful for teaching me the never-fail method of picking up women. Sit staring at them without saying a bloody word with a constant look on your face like you just caught a whiff of their panty stank and it did very little to impress, and whenever she looks away stare ''right'' down her tits like you're planning a spelunking expedition. Then having brought the mood in the room to a simmering erotic tension, SHOVE an expensive present in her face with such violence that if she'd been an inch closer, she'd need a sink plunger to pull her nose back out. Repeat until sex. At which point she will give you a drill. See, where I was going wrong was assuming that women aren't power tool vending machines with one slot for flowers and another for cock." |
| 1133 | * "Anyway today's [[KatanasAreJustBetter sword-wielding]] [[ProfessionalKiller assassin]] protagonist is 'Mondo Zappa', whose interesting qualities kind of begin and end with his name, frankly. He looks like a nine-year-old boy who got stretched on The Rack for three days and then someone gave him a robot arm and a school uniform." |
| 1134 | ** "(Mondo's) from that school of characterization that thinks there's nothing cooler than being incapable of showing emotion, 'cause of course my granddad's been getting pussy like you wouldn't believe ever since he had the stroke." |
| 1135 | [[/folder]] |
| 1136 | |
| 1137 | [[folder:Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs]] |
| 1138 | * The opening: |
| 1139 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' If you're gonna call a horror adventure game "Amnesia", you might as well call a first-person shooter "Bullets". |
| 1140 | * "...and while being chased down a darkened factory of death by a pigman squealing like his pork-scratchings are caught in a door-hinge is not something I would enter into without first making room in the household-budget for reupholstering the computer chair”, said chair then shown with a hole in the seat and some [[BringMyBrownPants rather dubious stains on the wall behind it]]. |
| 1141 | * Confused low-brow company executive: "Couldn't we just call it ''Amnesia: Revelations'' or something?" |
| 1142 | * Summing up the first game: |
| 1143 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' If you need some kind of primer on the first Amnesia game, put on a blindfold and ''shit yourself''. That'll about bring you up to speed. |
| 1144 | * Comparing the plots of the two games: |
| 1145 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Don't worry about the plot [of ''The Dark Descent''], because the new one's largely unconnected, besides the fact that its ''basically the same plot'': You are a very British man, who wakes up alone in a spooky mansion with the eponymous headfart, and must make his way down to an increasingly scary environment, gradually piecing together why its gone all scary and how involved you were in the process, and I'll put down a spoiler warning here in case you work in the paint-tasting factory, but the answer is... '''A lot'''. |
| 1146 | * '''SHPOILER VORNING''' |
| 1147 | * Briefly calling the game "A Sausage For Breakfast". |
| 1148 | * Feeling ''in the dark'': |
| 1149 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' Like the previous Amnesia, if you don't find all the text documents and shit, you might feel a bit ''in the dark'' on what the fuck's going on, as well as ''in the dark generally''. |
| 1150 | * His final words regarding why ''The Dark Descent'' was ultimately more effective than ''A Machine For Pigs:'' |
| 1151 | --> '''Yahtzee:''' Being hunted through a tunnel by something that's going to pull my twat out through my nose if it finds me, now that is horror I can get a sense of. The sense is ''smell'', ''and the smell is'' '''''piss!''''' |
| 1152 | [[/folder]] |
| 1153 | |
| 1154 | !! 2013, Quarter 4 |
| 1155 | [[folder:Grand Theft Auto V]] |
| 1156 | * He gives his final statement as to what the game could have done better, then, after a brilliantly tortured simile involving a soldier getting his leg blown off in WWII, caps the video off with the soldier writing a letter home: |
| 1157 | -->"Dear Mum, Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well I managed to redress the balance somewhat...P.S.: '''FUCKING HELL! UAAAARRGGHH!'''" |
| 1158 | [[/folder]] |
| 1159 | |
| 1160 | [[folder:Lost Planet 3]] |
| 1161 | * His protests that the characters are just a collection of NationalStereotypes, and how this proves necessary because, outside of their {{Funetik Aksent}}s, [[InsultToRocks there's no way to tell each other apart]]. |
| 1162 | * His explanation about how this game and ''VideoGame/DeadSpace3'' switch their signature styles with a visual of the two games [[MeadowRun running to each other and making out]]. |
| 1163 | [[/folder]] |
| 1164 | |
| 1165 | [[folder:Beyond: Two Souls]] |
| 1166 | * Yahtzee marks the start of another BerserkButton trend (namely the idea that every game [[ColonCancer needs to have two separate phrases marked by a colon]] - mostly since it indicates {{Sequelitis}} before the first sequel even gets released). He is especially peeved at how, if you only say one part of ''Beyond: Two Souls'', [[JustForFun/IThoughtItMeant everybody would confuse it for something else.]] |
| 1167 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I've been playing ''Beyond!''\ |
| 1168 | '''Bystander:''' [[DeadpanSnarker "Beyond" what, "Beyond" the limits of social acceptability?]] ''(cuts to Yahtzee [[JustOneMoreLevel bleary-eyed and desperately playing a game]], surrounded by [[UrineTrouble several jars of urine he apparently filled himself]])''\ |
| 1169 | '''Yahtzee:''' [[ThatCameOutWrong No, I mean]], I've been playing ''Two Souls!''\ |
| 1170 | '''Bystander:''' Oh right, isn't that [[NintendoHard that really hard game]] [[{{Spoonerism}} from BySoftware]] -- [[LastSecondWordSwap I mean, by]] Creator/FromSoftware?\ |
| 1171 | '''Yahtzee:''' ''No'', that's ''VideoGame/DarkSouls!''\ |
| 1172 | '''Bystander:''' [[OverlyLongGag Oh, so you were playing some game about]] [[AssShove the exploration of several human sphincters?]]\ |
| 1173 | '''Yahtzee: ''[[RuleOfThree NO]]''''', that's '''''[[AnatomyTropes Arse Holes!]]''''' |
| 1174 | ** And just before that: |
| 1175 | -->'''Bystander:''' So, three souls, then? ''Four'' souls, dare we dream!? ''[cue a guy holding three imp balloons before they increase by one]'' |
| 1176 | ** Eventually, Yahtzee gives up on saying ''Beyond: Two Souls'', [[RunningGag and instead gives an increasingly hectic list of alternate titles]], all revolving around having Creator/ElliotPage[[note]]who was known as "Ellen Page" at the time of this episode, which took place several years before his transition[[/note]] somewhere in them[[note]]consisting of "The Ellen Page Variety Hour," "Ellen Page-apalooza," "The Ellen Page-David Cage Rage Gauge," and "[[Music/TheSmashingPumpkins Despite Ellen Page, I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage]]"[[/note]]. |
| 1177 | * Yahtzee describes [[Creator/QuanticDream David Cage]] as "a man caught between two worlds - Eagerly wanting to boldly spearhead a new genre of [[AdventureGame interactive narrative]]...[[TakeThat but at the same time possessing the writing ability of a half-melted chocolate bunny rabbit]]." |
| 1178 | ** Yahtzee then recaps ''VideoGame/HeavyRain'' (of which ''Beyond: Two Souls'' is a SpiritualSuccessor to) by describing it as a game that "...switched between ridiculously high-octane [[PressXToNotDie Quick Time Event]] scenes ''[scene cuts to a panicked guy in a car driving into an imp riding a bike, with the words "Press X to in Some Way Resolve This Situation" floating above them both]'' and prolonged sequences of someone bumbling around their house, looking for objects and surfaces to momentarily rest their gonads on -- [[JustForFun/XMeetsY Like if someone intercut]] ''VideoGame/DragonsLair'' with [[SelfDeprecation security footage from my living room on the morning of a major deadline]]." |
| 1179 | * Elliot Page's (Jodie Holmes) reasons for being depressed: |
| 1180 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Anyway, [Elliot's character] is very sad her whole life because [[CursedWithAwesome there's an invisible ghost following her around who kills everyone she doesn't like]]. '''[[SuddenlyShouting Fucking suck it up, Ellen Page!]]''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Some of us had to make do with rat poison growing up!]] |
| 1181 | * When complaining that Creator/{{Elliot Page}}'s character [[HystericalWoman spends half the game sounding like she's about to cry]], [[InelegantBlubbering and the other half actually crying]], Yahtzee realizes that [[{{Wangst}} most of the other characters also spend their time crying]], and thinks that their collected tears could irrigate the entire Sahara Desert. |
| 1182 | ** [[invoked]] Although he admits it's not really fair to mock the UnintentionalUncannyValley of the facial expressions (seeing as how, [[TechnologyMarchesOn as little as a decade ago, people were lucky if video game characters even moved their mouths when they said their lines]]), he still can't ignore the {{Narm}} of "...Whenever someone's supposed to be at the limits of screaming emotion in this game, they look more like they're concentrating really hard... [[SpecialEffectFailure on trying to do a horse impression]]." And ''that'' is depicted by a character going "Neeeeigh!" with a comically exaggerated overbite, causing Yahtzee to do a DoubleTake. |
| 1183 | * Initially getting excited of some gameplay in a Creator/QuanticDream game that isn't a string of [[PressXToNotDie Quick Time Events]] "cracking off like farts from a row of nervous pigs", Yahtzee is disappointed to see that the only part these mechanics come into play (outside of the JustifiedTutorial) is ''[[TheyWastedAPerfectlyGoodPlot one stinking level]]'' (which, [[SarcasmMode by staggering coincidence]], was [[NeverTrustATrailer the only one showcased in the gameplay trailers]]). |
| 1184 | * Yahtzee calling the game's two-player mode[[note]]basically the regular game but with Jodie and Aiden (the latter portrayed by an imp) controlled by separate players[[/note]] "the most retarded attempt at a token multiplayer mode I've seen since 'The Amazing Back-Titted Woman'." Cue Yahtzee at a bar staring wide-eyed at a woman with breasts on both sides of her body amiably chatting with an imp. |
| 1185 | * According to Yahtzee, Quantic Dream handles the interesting idea of a game based around [[PsychicLink "piloting]] [[{{Poltergeist}} a telekinetic ghost with a grudge against furniture"]] [[TheyWastedAPerfectlyGoodPlot about as well as]] [[EpicFail "an arthritic horse trying to hold a China teapot."]] |
| 1186 | ** He then goes on to criticize the schizophrenic MoodWhiplash of the game's story ([[InformedAttribute which is from a company and director ostensibly about pushing new and creative means of video game story-telling]]), claiming how at one point the story is about [[HomelessHero how Jodie is forced to see the grim realities of homelessness in the modern world]], [[GilliganCut and in the next is about]] [[MagicalNativeAmerican her using spirit magic to fight]] [[Myth/NativeAmericanMythology Native American demons]]. |
| 1187 | *** With a pair of [[HilariousInHindsight hunky boys]]. |
| 1188 | * This line: |
| 1189 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' [[invoked]] All the characters' actions [[IdiotPlot bear about as much resemblance to believable human behaviour]] as a camel licking sweat off your forehead does to a whirlwind holiday romance! |
| 1190 | * Yahtzee then wraps up the review by stating he believes that the Quantic Dream games are better suited [[AllPsychologyIsFreudian to providing psychological information on]] David Cage, believing that ''Beyond: Two Souls'' shows he believes in WisdomFromTheGutter and that the enemies of mankind are {{Corrupt Corporate Executive}}s - that, [[AintTooProudToBeg or he's sucking up to the]] {{Hobos}} [[TakeThat that he'll have to live with]] after Creator/QuanticDream either eventually fires him or goes out of business. |
| 1191 | * [[TheStinger "In my experience, teenagers will at least wait until the second playdate before trying to burn you with cigarettes."]] |
| 1192 | [[/folder]] |
| 1193 | |
| 1194 | [[folder:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD]] |
| 1195 | * Yahtzee stating that the reason Link wears a green tunic in the game is because his nan wanted him to take part in ''Ocarina of Time'' cosplay. The best part is that it isn't even really a joke, since the outfit is based on that of the Hero of Time in-universe. |
| 1196 | * "The point is, Wind Waker-Link doesn't march about with self-righteousness jammed up his arse like a frozen tent-pole 'cause [[TheChosenOne he's naturally destined to be oh-so-bloody great at everything]]. He's a character, with flaws and goals: rescue sister, drink soup, [[FirstPersonSnapshooter take photos of everything for some reason]]." |
| 1197 | * "Naaan, your hearty soup is flooding the potion market! Fuck Ganondorf, we need to save ''you'' from getting your kneecaps broke by the fucking potion teamsters union!" |
| 1198 | * "That's about the final word! Except for this one: [[InherentlyFunnyWords Mingegurgle."]] |
| 1199 | ** Even funnier when you realize that the aforementioned word [[http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mingegurgle actually exists!]] |
| 1200 | [[/folder]] |
| 1201 | |
| 1202 | [[folder:Batman: Arkham Origins]] |
| 1203 | * The numerous [[AppealToObscurity Appeals To Obscurity]] regarding the game's villains: |
| 1204 | ** "'Your enemies shall define you,' went the marketing tagline, in which case, Batman, you are one ''dull fucking son of a bitch''." |
| 1205 | ** [[LampshadeHanging "You know, this video will pass quicker if you stop pausing it to look up who the fuck these characters are."]] |
| 1206 | ** At one point, Yahtzee agrees with the tagline, "Your enemies shall define you" (or as the video puts it, "Yo enemies shall define yo ass."): |
| 1207 | --->"Because it's true, Batman has the best villains in the business because they all reflect an aspect of Batman: Two-Face reflects his [[BecomingTheMask duality]], Scarecrow, his use of fear and [[BatmanGambit psychological]] [[TheChessmaster tactics]], Poison Ivy, his...uh... [[Film/BatmanForever shapely buttocks]]. But that whole element is lost with a D-list villain lineup. I don't know what the fuck Firefly's supposed to reflect unless Batman routinely overcooks his jacket potatoes. (''image of Batman in full batsuit and an apron watching an oven. Then the next slide of oven catching smoke, potatoes burning and Batman saying "FUCK" in either shock or frustration.'') |
| 1208 | * "As soon as you graduate, it's straight down to Goon Recruitment to pick up your fingerless gloves and baseball bat; unless you're a girl, in which case here are some pamphlets on ninja-ing." |
| 1209 | * The RunningGag of people who couldn’t be arsed, for example: |
| 1210 | -->"What shall we do for the box art, Warner Bros.?"\ |
| 1211 | "Just make it a black closeup of Batman looking sad. But don't let me catch you getting arsed about it, or you'll be in trouble! When I can be arsed." |
| 1212 | * Believing that some of Bane's new characterization in Origins is based off Bane's characterization in ''Film/TheDarkKnightRises'', which leads to Yahtzee [[VomitIndiscretionShot vomiting when he first brings the possibility up]], and making several jokes about Bane's "[[WTHCostumingDepartment jockstrap oxygen mask]]". |
| 1213 | -->"Wearing Tom Hardy's jockstrap on your face just gives the game away. I learned that at the Academy Awards." |
| 1214 | ** The fact that even after the bounty on Batman's head is withdrawn, Bane is still obsessed with, as Yahtzee puts it, "getting a chance to ''twat that Bat''. Going so far as to risk his own life to that end." And its punctuated with an image of a psychotic, twitchy-eyed Bane putting a gun to his own head glaring daggers at Batman and shouting "WHAT NOW SMART GUY." |
| 1215 | * Black Mask hiring both Deathstroke and Deadshot is likened by Yahtzee to "inviting both Creator/MattDamon and Creator/MarkWahlberg to the same party and insisting they wear the same outfit." |
| 1216 | * "...But this is just the beginning, as Batman uncovers signs of a dangerous new villain unlike anything Gotham has ever [[TheUntwist IT'S THE JOKER ALRIGHT?]] [[TrailersAlwaysSpoil And since his face is all over the fucking posters, I spoil that one with no shame whatsoever.]]". |
| 1217 | [[/folder]] |
| 1218 | |
| 1219 | [[folder:Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag]] |
| 1220 | * "Instead of Future Desmond, we are now Future Silent Protagonist..." |
| 1221 | -->'''Future Desmond's tombstone''': FUTURE DESMOND/NONE BLANDER\ |
| 1222 | '''Future Silent Protagonist''': ([[TheFaceless missing a face]]) I'll take *that* challenge |
| 1223 | ** "...an employee for a French-Canadian video game developer being pressured to produce results by their evil corporate owners. WriteWhatYouKnow, ey, lads?!" |
| 1224 | * The cameos by [[VideoGame/AssassinsCreedIII Connor]] and [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaTheWindWaker Wind Waker!Link]] (getting their ships blown out of the water by Edward Kenway). |
| 1225 | * At one point, Yahtzee mentions the game's unlockable sea shanties. What song does he use to illustrate this subject? [[Music/LadyGaga "Poker Face"]]. |
| 1226 | ** The episode's entry on the [[http://zeropunctuation.wikia.com/wiki/Assassin%27s_Creed_IV:_Black_Flag Zero Punctuation Wiki]] heaps another layer of funny onto that scene by adding the caption, "Hope you're not expecting any applause-plause for that one, lads". |
| 1227 | * 'Welsh pirate and bastard.' |
| 1228 | * The following theoretical conversation, referring to Yahtzee’s aversion of side-quests in [[VideoGame/AssassinsCreedIII the previous game]]: |
| 1229 | -->"Hmm, yes, well-tutorialised. Tell me, do I ever need to do this again?"\ |
| 1230 | "Well, not really, but it can help you make money to develop your homestead?"\ |
| 1231 | [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere "Cheery-bye!!"]] |
| 1232 | * "...Franchise/AssassinsCreed isn't a series of games anymore, Franchise/AssassinsCreed is [[CashCowFranchise a fucking line graph]]! The line [[ContestedSequel went down a bit for Ass-Creed 3]], but [[SurprisinglyImprovedSequel now it's gone up again]], and [[EvenBetterSequel maybe it'll keep going up in the next one]], or maybe [[{{Sequelitis}} it'll take another plunge]]. What I ''do'' know is that this line graph is being drawn on what appears to be [[FranchiseZombie a depressingly long sheet of paper]], - at the end of which is {{Creator/Ubisoft}} [[OverlyLongGag and I do not like the look of that stapler it's holding!]]" |
| 1233 | [[/folder]] |
| 1234 | |
| 1235 | [[folder:Call of Duty: Ghosts]] |
| 1236 | * ''[=CoD=]: Ghosts'' is not "a game about the vengeful spirits hanging around an English chip shop". (Ethereal fish: "Yooouu killed meeee.") |
| 1237 | * "...because not only is the U.S. outsourcing their weapons development to fucking [[Franchise/{{Transformers}} Megatron]]..." |
| 1238 | * Yahtzee lampshades that the titular Ghosts, despite being billed as a 'stealth unit' have zero sense of subtlety. |
| 1239 | -->"The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerrilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. [[SarcasmMode Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads]]! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow [[HighlyVisibleNinja as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions.]]" |
| 1240 | * Yahtzee highlighting the absurdity of the game's ExcusePlot: |
| 1241 | -->"So here's the sitch: the US has been invaded by all of South America. OK, gonna have to stop you there, ''Call of Duty: Ghosts''; I get that all of your plots are birthed from the fantasies crossing the mind of a paranoid, xenophobic fuckwit as he has violent grunting sex with a pile of damp moss, but at least you used to stick to foreigners who potentially are enemies of the US, and South America has better things to do with its time than sit around shaking its fist at your freedoms all day, at least as long as UsefulNotes/AssociationFootball exists! Anyway, they attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, ''Ghosts''! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, ''orbital fucking missile weapon''!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!"\ |
| 1242 | --\ |
| 1243 | "I don't see how I'm supposed to have any grasp of the relative enemy threat when we may or may not be packing armfuls of superweapons we forgot to mention. Like after the enemy base ram-raid, I'm told to pick off the stragglers with the robot sniper. Hold on a second, when did we set up a fucking robot sniper? What did we bring it here in? How did we set it up without the enemy noticing; did we disguise it as a badger-watching station? Incidentally, the Ghosts are well-fucking-equipped for a guerrilla unit. 'Oh, no, America has been attacked and is weakened and there's no defenses except an inexhaustible supply of tank battalions and an army of killer robots. And we would've had a doomsday satellite if the rest of the world hadn't gotten all weird about it!' Which they were entirely right to be because when the player wrestles control of the satellite back at the end, they immediately use it to wipe hundreds of thinking, feeling blips off the map as casually as one would use a windscreen wiper on a rainy day." |
| 1244 | * "Just for fun I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. [[UnfortunateImplications The final total was three]]: a female astronaut right at the start who immediately dies, a helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit [[BlackDudeDiesFirst who immediately dies]]. And, frankly, when that happens, [[SkewedPriorities the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot]]. [[DullSurprise "Dammit, the black guy died!"]], they seemed to say, "[[SomeOfMyBestFriendsAreX Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!]]" |
| 1245 | * "...But somehow it's only getting worse! Black Ops II actually came across as at least slightly self-aware, and ''Modern Warfare 1'' went so far as being profound, such as in that bit where you die slowly and horribly in a nuclear blast. If that happened in ''[=CoD=]: Ghosts'', you'd probably just fart all the radiation out in one big heroic guff, pull the broken glass out of your eyeballs, and then use it to shiv the Ayatollah." |
| 1246 | [[/folder]] |
| 1247 | |
| 1248 | [[folder:Exclusives Showdown]] |
| 1249 | * When going down the list of exclusives for the Platform/XBoxOne and the Platform/PlayStation4, he comes down to ''VideoGame/{{Killzone}}: Shadow Fall'' vs. ''VideoGame/{{Titanfall}}'', and was commenting on the latter when he's informed of a bit of new information, consequently winding up giving no points to either console: |
| 1250 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' But maybe- what's that? ''Titanfall'' is getting a PC release? Well that undermines the whole cocking premise, doesn't it?! |
| 1251 | * Yahtzee's closing remark: |
| 1252 | -->"So at the end of that, the [=PS4=] has the most points in this pointless-conjecture-of-games-I-haven't-played competition, and therefore has a slight edge in the upcoming grimy basement knifefight. But viewer, there lies a world outside this grimy basement: the world of PC gaming! All you have to do is come up the stairs and into the light, feel the rays of the sun and the cool breeze upon your skin [[BaitAndSwitchComment then go down some more stairs into the other grimy basement next door.]]" |
| 1253 | * Each round is introduced with a SelfBackingVocalist rendition of the round's title. Round Four, "Driving [[UsefulNotes/BritishAccents Aboot]]" has him singing "Driving about, driving about, driving about, driv-ing about" as a poor rendition of the ''Series/DoctorWho'' theme. which cuts out just as he goes into the ''ooo-eee-ooo'' theremin part. |
| 1254 | [[/folder]] |
| 1255 | |
| 1256 | [[folder:Ryse: Son of Rome]] |
| 1257 | * Describing the main protagonist Marius "As in, '[[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Thank you Marius!]] [[YourPrincessIsInAnotherCastle But our emperor is in another castle. ]]'" |
| 1258 | * Him describing the [[LoadsAndLoadsOfLoading loading screens]] of the Xbox One. |
| 1259 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' I put in the disc, and up comes an exciting next-gen percentage [[LoadsandLoadsofLoading that takes five sodding minutes to get to 1%.]]\ |
| 1260 | '''Xbox One:''' Don't worry, you don't have to wait 'til it gets to 100% before you can start playing!\ |
| 1261 | '''Yahtzee:''' OK, so what percentage do I have to wait for?\ |
| 1262 | '''Xbox One:''' '''I'm not telling you!''' |
| 1263 | * Him blasting the plot of the game: first from the AnachronismStew (such as Boudicca besieging Rome with war elephants), then of how it's ripping off elements of other stories on the Roman Empire. |
| 1264 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' ...the plot seems to have been written in five minutes by someone who watched half of ''Film/TheEagle2011'' and half of ''Film/{{Gladiator}}'', while someone playing ''VideoGame/GodOfWar'' in the same room [[FiringInTheAirALot occasionally fired a gun into the air]]. |
| 1265 | * "Although the more realistic graphics get, the stupider it looks when enemies glitch around the battlefield in order to be in the right position for your pre-animated finishing move, like [[Comicbook/XMen Nightcrawler]] has [[DrivenToSuicide acquired a death wish.]]" |
| 1266 | * "But Yahtzee, [[SceneryPorn the environments are pretty]]!" "[[SarcasmMode Oh shit I forgot, 10/10!]]" |
| 1267 | * Calling it the ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' shooter [[RecycledInSpace decked out in sandals and fashionable miniskirts]], detailing all the ways in which it is and then saying "all it needs is a central cast consisting exclusively of burly white d...oh." |
| 1268 | * Transitioning that to a final summary of the system. |
| 1269 | -->'''Yahtzee:''' Well, let's just say the [=XBone=] starts as it means to go on. [[TooDumbToLive With a brick on the accelerator and a hose on the exhaust pipe]]. |
| 1270 | [[/folder]] |
| 1271 | |
| 1272 | [[folder:Dead Rising 3]] |
| 1273 | * Summary of Capcom's writing process: |
| 1274 | -->'''Step 1:''' [[FaceHeelTurn Someone turns evil]] for a stupid reason.\ |
| 1275 | '''Step 2:''' [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil5 BOULDER]] [[MemeticMutation PUNCHING.]] |
| 1276 | [[/folder]] |
| 1277 | |
| 1278 | [[folder:Super Mario [=3D=] World]] |
| 1279 | * Yahtzee commenting how the box art looks like it forgot its background and instead left a Photoshop transparency layer. |
| 1280 | -->'''Yahtzee''': That was one for my Photoshop-using homies, peace. |
| 1281 | * Yahtzee speculating that the fairies captured by Bowser [[AlternativeCharacterInterpretation might actually be]] criminals "wanted on multiple counts of robbery, wand assault, and being maliciously twee." |
| 1282 | * Yahtzee brings up the catsuits and his discomfort with the game's PopularWithFurries status: |
| 1283 | -->"Maybe it's the way characters in Cat Mode stick their bums in the air as they walk, in a way for which only the word "presenting" seems adequate. Or the "meow" at the end of the level that makes me uncomfortable, but maybe it's just 'cause I'm old and jaded enough to realise someone somewhere ''must'' be getting off to this, and I have a horrible feeling it may be Mario himself. [[NoodleIncident I've been burned before by]] [[BlackComedyRape hairy, middle-aged men indulging in what they called 'harmless fun']]." |
| 1284 | * Yahtzee makes a comment about how the powerups are based off of the first thing that developers glanced at in the room, as illustrated by a generic character staring from his desk and then noticing a cat. The following illustration then shows [[BaitAndSwitch Desk Mario.]] |
| 1285 | [[/folder]] |
| 1286 |
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/context.php
FollowingContext Funny / ZeroPunctuation2
Go To
- Show Spoilers
- Night Vision
- Sticky Header
- Wide Load
