1 | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob All]] | '''2007-09''' | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2010Episodes 2010]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2011Episodes 2011]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2012Episodes 2012]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2013Episodes 2013]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2014Episodes 2014]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2015Episodes 2015]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2016Episodes 2016]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2017Episodes 2017]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2018Episodes 2018]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2019Episodes 2019]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2020Episodes 2020]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2021episodes 2021]] | [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2022Episodes 2022]] |
2 | |
3 | [[foldercontrol]] |
4 | |
5 | ---- |
6 | |
7 | [[folder:Burial Ground: Nights of Terror]] |
8 | * The Snob comments on the [[SpecialEffectsFailure appearance of the zombies]] |
9 | --> '''Snob''': I gotta say, it's a good idea that these things turn out to be zombies. Because at first glance, they look like something a drunk college student would wear to scare the skirts off of some midnight Volleyball players on the beaches of the Bahamas! |
10 | * The Snob informs us that one of the films many alternate titles is "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment The Zombie Dead]]". |
11 | --> '''Snob''': That's sort of like naming your movie "The Fanged Vampire" or "The Furry Wolfman!" |
12 | [[/folder]] |
13 | |
14 | [[folder:Porno Holocaust]] |
15 | * '''Snob''': Shit is shit, no matter what country the ass is from. |
16 | * Brad breaks down pretty much the entire first third of the movie in a couple seconds: |
17 | --> '''Snob''': Four minutes in: talking (footage of people talking) |
18 | --> '''Snob''': Ten minutes in: fucking (clip of an [[IKEAErotica awkward sex scene]]) |
19 | --> '''Snob''': Thirteen minutes in: talking (clip of people talking) |
20 | --> '''Snob''': Fifteen minutes in: fucking (clip of another sex scene) |
21 | --> '''Snob''': Twenty minutes in: [[RuleOfThree talking]] (yet another clip of people talking) |
22 | --> '''Snob''': Twenty-two minutes in: fucking (slide that says "I can't even show you this one") |
23 | --> '''Snob''': Twenty-nine minutes: talking ([[OverlyLongGag still another clip of dialogue]]) and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the fucking! |
24 | --> '''Snob''': It takes them a whole forty fucking minutes to get onto this goddamn island and the tedium doesn't even stop there! That's right, more talking and fucking! |
25 | * During a sequence in which the protagonists are being chased by the radio-active zombie (which didn't make its first appearance until ''two-thirds'' of the way into the film): |
26 | --> '''Snob''': Oh, and it's also an ''educational'' film as well. For instance, did you know that when you are being chased by a radio-active zombie that that is a really good time to start fucking! (clip shows [[TooDumbToLive the protagonists doing just that]]) |
27 | * The Snob's apt summarization of the ending: |
28 | --> '''Snob''': How does it end you ask? Well *smirks* how do you ''think'' it ends? (movie clip of MORE dialogue) With ''talking'' and ''fucking''! |
29 | [[/folder]] |
30 | |
31 | [[folder:Wanda, The Sadistic Hypnotist]] |
32 | [[/folder]] |
33 | |
34 | [[folder:Crazy Fat Ethel II]] |
35 | -->'''Snob''': I can tell you right now that I would rather [[CrossesTheLineTwice get fucked by Mr. Greenfield]] than have to watch this piece of shit ''again''! |
36 | [[/folder]] |
37 | |
38 | [[folder:Sadomania]] |
39 | * The Snob becomes so distracted by the stunning beauty of the female prison warden, puts the review on hold to find out more about the actress. |
40 | --> '''Snob:''': A sadistic woman warden played by the stunning, [[UsefulNotes/{{Transgender}} transsexual]], adult film star Ajita Wilson. |
41 | --> [DoubleTake] |
42 | --> '''Snob:''' [[FlatWhat What.]] Transsexual Adult Film Star? |
43 | --> [Dramatic close up] |
44 | --> '''Snob:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Oh. My. God.]] |
45 | --> [Cut to ShowerOfAngst] |
46 | --> '''Snob:''' (On the phone with his girlfriend) Honey. Honey. Honey. We need to have sex. Right. Now. I am really, really, ''really'' confused... |
47 | [[/folder]] |
48 | |
49 | [[folder:Los Ritos Sexuales Del Diablo]] |
50 | * The Snob's bewilderment that a bootlegged DVD of an obscure exploitation film has extra features on it including an EasterEgg |
51 | --> '''Snob''': That is...fucking ingenious! |
52 | * On the fact that this movie is the second one in a row to feature bestiality |
53 | --> '''Snob''': What is it with these movies and animal fucking!? |
54 | --> '''Snob''': All I am saying is that if you're making an exploitation film and you come across a herd of cattle, [[BestialityIsDepraved keep it in your pants]], goddamn it! |
55 | [[/folder]] |
56 | |
57 | [[folder:Zero In and Scream]] |
58 | * The movie is borderline unfindable on IMDB, so Brad figures the site doesn't want people to find out it exists. |
59 | [[/folder]] |
60 | |
61 | [[folder:Brutes & Savages]] |
62 | * The [[SpecialEffectsFailure alligator death scene]] needs to be seen to be believed. |
63 | [[/folder]] |
64 | |
65 | [[folder:Impulse]] |
66 | * Commenting on how the great titles "I Like to Kill" and "Want a Ride, Little Girl?" were discarded for the blander ''Impulse''. |
67 | [[/folder]] |
68 | |
69 | [[folder:Video Violence]] |
70 | * The start of his review. |
71 | -->'''Snob:''' This movie... ''fucking'' '''SUCKS!!!''' *Throws the box to the floor, where a shattering noise is heard* |
72 | * A little bit later |
73 | -->'''Snob:''' *putting the DVD Box under a power drill* Why...won't...you...DIE!? |
74 | [[/folder]] |
75 | |
76 | [[folder:Holocaust 2]] |
77 | * Trying to guess what Holocaust is referring to. |
78 | * The director did an ''Exorcist 3''... when [[Film/ExorcistIITheHeretic the second movie]] hadn't even come out yet! |
79 | [[/folder]] |
80 | |
81 | [[folder:Alucarda]] |
82 | * Regarding all the ScreamingWoman scenes: "This makes ''[[Film/NineteenFortyOne1979 1941]]'' and ''Film/{{Excalibur}}'' look like silent movies!" |
83 | [[/folder]] |
84 | |
85 | [[folder:Don't Go Near The Park]] |
86 | * After ''Film/DontGoNearThePark'''s opening disclaimer that although it's a work of fiction, it's "[[VeryLooselyBasedOnATrueStory based on true events]]": |
87 | -->'''Snob''': [[DeadpanSnarker So in other words...it's fiction]]? |
88 | * The fact that one of the actors is credited as [[AtrociousAlias Crackers Phinn]]: |
89 | -->'''Snob''': That's right. ''Crackers Phinn.'' [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I am not lying to you]]. (*shows the back of the DVD cover as proof*) See, there it is! Crackers Phinn! |
90 | * This gem at the end of the video: |
91 | -->'''Snob''': Stupid is the only way to describe this movie. That, or [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] stupid! |
92 | [[/folder]] |
93 | |
94 | [[folder:Savage Vengeance]] |
95 | * The JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} gag during the opening credits of the film he's reviewing, [[BlatantLies which was done by a hacker]], according to Brad. |
96 | [[/folder]] |
97 | |
98 | [[folder:Unhinged]] |
99 | [[/folder]] |
100 | |
101 | [[folder:Satans' Children]] |
102 | * Complaining how many of these bad movies have good credit sequences, [[DamnedByFaintPraise forcing Brad to praise something]]. |
103 | [[/folder]] |
104 | |
105 | [[folder:Horrifying Experiments of the S.S.' Last Days]] |
106 | * The DVD box cover that he drew himself. |
107 | [[/folder]] |
108 | |
109 | [[folder:Zombie 4: After Death]] |
110 | [[/folder]] |
111 | |
112 | [[folder:Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger]] |
113 | [[/folder]] |
114 | |
115 | [[folder:Bloodfreak]] |
116 | [[/folder]] |
117 | |
118 | [[folder:Evil Come, Evil Go]] |
119 | [[/folder]] |
120 | |
121 | [[folder:Terror at Orgy Castle]] |
122 | [[/folder]] |
123 | |
124 | [[folder:The Hand of Pleasure]] |
125 | [[/folder]] |
126 | |
127 | [[folder:Zombie Lake]] |
128 | [[/folder]] |
129 | |
130 | [[folder:Ninja Untouchables]] |
131 | [[/folder]] |
132 | |
133 | [[folder:Snuff]] |
134 | [[/folder]] |
135 | |
136 | [[folder:Zombie 5: Killing Birds]] |
137 | * "Let's end this like every Website/YouTube video should end - with a man on fire." |
138 | [[/folder]] |
139 | |
140 | [[folder:Blood of Ghastly Horror]] |
141 | [[/folder]] |
142 | |
143 | [[folder:Woodchipper Massacre]] |
144 | * Snob's predictions for the leading three actors' lives after making the movie: stripper (the hammy girl), alcoholic (the teenage boy), and dead (the bespectacled boy). |
145 | * Snob advocating firing a friend from set if they turn out to be a LargeHam during filming when they weren't during the audition, and if the first choice for the role was "a fucking dog turd", said "fucking dog turd" is a slight improvement to your movie. |
146 | [[/folder]] |
147 | |
148 | [[folder:Monkey with 72 Magic]] |
149 | [[/folder]] |
150 | |
151 | [[folder:The Eerie Midnight Horror Show]] |
152 | * The original VHS CopycatCover that rips off ''Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow'', and Brad's disgust at seeing the DVD cover is nowhere as funny. To push the joke later, he remakes the opening credits like the Rocky Horror ones. |
153 | [[/folder]] |
154 | |
155 | [[folder:The Black Six]] |
156 | [[/folder]] |
157 | |
158 | [[folder:Mother's Day]] |
159 | [[/folder]] |
160 | |
161 | [[folder:Elsa Fraulein SS]] |
162 | [[/folder]] |
163 | |
164 | [[folder:Frankenstein Island]] |
165 | * "Jerry Warren could negotiate a budget on two cans in a string, shoot the movie on a treehouse, and finance it by loaning from the termites!" |
166 | * The only machine gun they could use was one that can't be taken from the tripod! |
167 | [[/folder]] |
168 | |
169 | [[folder:Savage Weekend]] |
170 | * The Snob refers to the characters as a "group of sex-crazed weirdos" at the beginning of the review. He's not wrong, though. |
171 | * He decides to give the movie another chance after having seen it a while back. When the movie opens with banjo music playing over the title card, he immediately regrets his decision. |
172 | -->'''Snob:''' This movie sucks. |
173 | * The characters are so fucked up to the Snob, he claims he wouldn't be surprised if Marie's son, Jeremy showed up and bit her tit off. |
174 | * Later he calls the main characters lameos after the only character he likes is killed. |
175 | ** Adding onto that, the Snob forgot that one of them had been hanged by the killer. |
176 | * The Snob gets frustrated at how poorly made the film is; with some shots being in fullscreen and some being widescreen, along with the boom mic being visible. |
177 | [[/folder]] |
178 | |
179 | [[folder:Day of the Panther]] |
180 | [[/folder]] |
181 | |
182 | [[folder:Horror of the Zombies]] |
183 | [[/folder]] |
184 | |
185 | [[folder:Black Devil Doll from Hell]] |
186 | * He says that the film is so unsexy that thinking of ''Porno Holocaust'' is giving him an erection. Then, without changing his facial expression, he reaches over and grabs a jug of water, which he then pours on his crotch. |
187 | * Claiming that the main character is not satisfied with other men pleasuring her because their dicks "aren't made from tree branches" |
188 | * The RuleOfThree RunningGag of Snob pointing out the movie was released in 1984, then shortening it to "this movie was ''[[StealthInsult released]]''." |
189 | -->'''Snob:''' Who knew that year would be worse than anything [[Creator/GeorgeOrwell Orwell]] ''ever'' fucking [[Literature/NineteenEightyFour predicted]]? |
190 | [[/folder]] |
191 | |
192 | [[folder:The Italian Stallion]] |
193 | [[/folder]] |
194 | |
195 | [[folder:The Refrigerator]] |
196 | * After the fridge claims his first victim after a {{squick}}y love scene: |
197 | -->'''Snob:''' Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog. |
198 | ** Before the attack, Snob mumbling "My, my, my, my, Mitchell" as the horny couple race into the kitchen. |
199 | * The protagonist's wife walking around the city in a montage reminds Snob of "something out of TV Land heaven" so he plays the theme tune to ''Series/TheMaryTylerMooreShow'' over it. |
200 | * Snob's annoyance of the husband being mind-controlled by the fridge. |
201 | -->'''Snob:''' If you let the fridge come between you and your wife, you're a fucking idiot! Or a glutton. |
202 | * ''(a man gets his foot eaten by a garbage can possessed by the fridge)'' "Why'd he stick is leg in there, in the first place?!" |
203 | [[/folder]] |
204 | |
205 | [[folder:Slugs]] |
206 | [[/folder]] |
207 | |
208 | [[folder:Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom]] |
209 | * At one point, Snob is too dry to vomit anymore, despite his urge to, so he pours uncooked egg down his throat. It works. |
210 | [[/folder]] |
211 | |
212 | [[folder:Tales from the Quadead Zone]] |
213 | [[/folder]] |
214 | |
215 | [[folder:The Galaxy Invader]] |
216 | * Discovering the movie is the one on the credits to ''Pod People''. |
217 | [[/folder]] |
218 | |
219 | [[folder:The Stewardesses 3-D]] |
220 | * "Ooh, heavy making out! From what I hear, that causes pregnant herpes." |
221 | [[/folder]] |
222 | |
223 | [[folder:Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws]] |
224 | * "Now we're only 14 movies short until ''Film/BackToTheFuturePartII'' is correct!" |
225 | [[/folder]] |
226 | |
227 | [[folder:Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning]] |
228 | [[/folder]] |
229 | |
230 | [[folder:Strike of the Panther]] |
231 | * Complaining on how the movie fails at doing the TrainingMontage right, meaning Snob has to do one himself, scored with "No Easy Way Out" from ''Film/RockyIV''. |
232 | [[/folder]] |
233 | |
234 | [[folder:Zombie Vs Ninja]] |
235 | [[/folder]] |
236 | |
237 | [[folder:Full Metal Ninja]] |
238 | * Apparently Pierre Kirby fought pirates in Hong Kong. "Holy fucking shit! Pierre Kirby should star in that movie!" |
239 | * He tries to make it sound as if it's ''Film/FullMetalJacket'' with ninjas. |
240 | * "Oh my ass it's 200 years ago, is that the same time in history when [[HighlyVisibleNinja ninjas wore bright fucking pink and bandanas with the word ninja written across them]]?" |
241 | * "Personally I would steal his ninja costume, because I'd wear those sons of a bitch as pajamas for the rest of my life!" |
242 | [[/folder]] |
243 | |
244 | [[folder:Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent]] |
245 | [[/folder]] |
246 | |
247 | [[folder:Ninja of the Magnificence]] |
248 | * Noting how the villain looks like Betty from ''Film/KungPowEnterTheFist''. |
249 | * TheStinger, where a RainOfArrows takes down a lot of ninjas. |
250 | [[/folder]] |
251 | |
252 | [[folder:American Commando 2: Hunting Express]] |
253 | [[/folder]] |
254 | |
255 | [[folder:Nail Gun Massacre]] |
256 | [[/folder]] |
257 | |
258 | [[folder:Bruno Mattei's Terminator II]] |
259 | [[/folder]] |
260 | |
261 | [[folder:Helga, She Wolf of Spilberg]] |
262 | [[/folder]] |
263 | |
264 | [[folder:War of the Wizards]] |
265 | [[/folder]] |
266 | |
267 | [[folder:Shriek of the Mutilated]] |
268 | * The whole discussion on "Yeti" being [[InherentlyFunnyWords a hilarious word]] and how using that as a monster will lead to [[{{Narm}} involuntary comedy]]. |
269 | [[/folder]] |
270 | |
271 | [[folder:Zombie 6: Monster Hunter]] |
272 | * "What the hell? When did this movie's dick get so small it looks like it just came out of the swimming pool?" |
273 | [[/folder]] |
274 | |
275 | [[folder:Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes]] |
276 | [[/folder]] |
277 | |
278 | [[folder:Death Nurse]] |
279 | [[/folder]] |
280 | |
281 | [[folder:Deep Throat Part II]] |
282 | * "This is a movie that sucks because it doesn't suck!" |
283 | [[/folder]] |
284 | |
285 | [[folder:TurkishStarWars]] |
286 | * Regarding the constant flash cuts: |
287 | -->See this? Tegretol. I'm epileptic, I have been since fourth grade. Turkish Star Wars is the first movie I've done on this show that is literally TRYING TO KILL ME. |
288 | ** Also, playing the theme to ''Film/CannibalHolocaust'' over one of the action scenes. |
289 | [[/folder]] |
290 | |
291 | [[folder:Brazilian Star Wars]] |
292 | * The fake credits in the style of the ''Franchise/StarWars'' scrolling credits, especially the ending: |
293 | -->You know, I don't know how Lucas comes up with what to write in these text crawls. Did you read that shit I just wrote? "Gamma rays of fecal doom?" That doesn't even make sense, I bought the fucking movie online. And it sucks! Watch, I'll explain why... |
294 | * Snob disco dancing |
295 | * "Congratulations! You have mastered the power of VCR!" |
296 | [[/folder]] |
297 | |
298 | [[folder:Demented Death Farm Massacre]] |
299 | * Snob looking up the film's original title on IMDB: ''Honey Britches''. Cue laughter. |
300 | -->'''Snob:''' That's the dumbest fucking title I've ever heard in my life! That's like if you found out that the original title for ''Film/FatalAttraction'' was ''My Wittle Shmoopy Woopy Woopy''! |
301 | |
302 | [[/folder]] |
303 | |
304 | [[folder:Alienator]] |
305 | [[/folder]] |
306 | |
307 | [[folder:The Hoboken Chicken Emergency]] |
308 | * "''The Hoboken Chicken Emergency''? It's like they made each individual word in the title ''Texas Chainsaw Massacre'' kid-friendly!" |
309 | * "I'm sorry, is Hoboken an island? Or 100 miles away from any nearby town? I'm sure the next town over won't chase you out with pitchforks if you attempt to buy a turkey from their IGA." |
310 | [[/folder]] |
311 | |
312 | [[folder:Troll]] |
313 | * His reaction to the father being named "Harry Potter," from disbelief to disappointment that this was likely where Creator/JKRowling got the idea. "Oh, great. ''Franchise/HarryPotter [[Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia and the Troll Toll of the Boy's Soul]]''." |
314 | ** What the hell?! Fucking Professor [=McGonagal=] is their fucking landlord?! |
315 | * You know, I think this troll might be playing a duel role. "Hi, I'm Malcolm Mallory, I just moved in!" Call it a hunch! |
316 | [[/folder]] |
317 | |
318 | [[folder:Troll 2]] |
319 | * His response to the name of the town being [[SdrawkcabName "Nilbog"]]: |
320 | --> '''Snob:''' Holy shit, it's [[{{Alucard}} Dracula spelt backwards]]! |
321 | * "[[HitlerAteSugar You know who else threw parties?]] [[MonsterClown GACY!]]" |
322 | * Pointing out the grandfather ghost's resemblance to Creator/OrsonWelles, and saying if there's gonna be ghost Orson Welles, he'll stick with ''WesternAnimation/TheCritic'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9d0xoCRL90 thank you very much.]] |
323 | * Then there's the opening. The Snob just stares onward and says, "I have been to the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xibalba Xibalba]] and back." |
324 | [[/folder]] |
325 | |
326 | [[folder:Don't Open Till Christmas]] |
327 | [[/folder]] |
328 | |
329 | [[folder:Bloody New Year]] |
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