Line #282 Funny/TheCinemaSnob2007To2009Episodes


1	[[Funny/TheCinemaSnob All]] \| '''2007-09''' \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2010Episodes 2010]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2011Episodes 2011]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2012Episodes 2012]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2013Episodes 2013]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2014Episodes 2014]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2015Episodes 2015]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2016Episodes 2016]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2017Episodes 2017]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2018Episodes 2018]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2019Episodes 2019]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2020Episodes 2020]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2021episodes 2021]] \| [[Funny/TheCinemaSnob2022Episodes 2022]]
2
3	[[foldercontrol]]
4
5	----
6
7	[[folder:Burial Ground: Nights of Terror]]
8	* The Snob comments on the [[SpecialEffectsFailure appearance of the zombies]]
9	--> '''Snob''': I gotta say, it's a good idea that these things turn out to be zombies. Because at first glance, they look like something a drunk college student would wear to scare the skirts off of some midnight Volleyball players on the beaches of the Bahamas!
10	* The Snob informs us that one of the films many alternate titles is "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment The Zombie Dead]]".
11	--> '''Snob''': That's sort of like naming your movie "The Fanged Vampire" or "The Furry Wolfman!"
12	[[/folder]]
13
14	[[folder:Porno Holocaust]]
15	* '''Snob''': Shit is shit, no matter what country the ass is from.
16	* Brad breaks down pretty much the entire first third of the movie in a couple seconds:
17	--> '''Snob''': Four minutes in: talking (footage of people talking)
18	--> '''Snob''': Ten minutes in: fucking (clip of an [[IKEAErotica awkward sex scene]])
19	--> '''Snob''': Thirteen minutes in: talking (clip of people talking)
20	--> '''Snob''': Fifteen minutes in: fucking (clip of another sex scene)
21	--> '''Snob''': Twenty minutes in: [[RuleOfThree talking]] (yet another clip of people talking)
22	--> '''Snob''': Twenty-two minutes in: fucking (slide that says "I can't even show you this one")
23	--> '''Snob''': Twenty-nine minutes: talking ([[OverlyLongGag still another clip of dialogue]]) and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the fucking!
24	--> '''Snob''': It takes them a whole forty fucking minutes to get onto this goddamn island and the tedium doesn't even stop there! That's right, more talking and fucking!
25	* During a sequence in which the protagonists are being chased by the radio-active zombie (which didn't make its first appearance until ''two-thirds'' of the way into the film):
26	--> '''Snob''': Oh, and it's also an ''educational'' film as well. For instance, did you know that when you are being chased by a radio-active zombie that that is a really good time to start fucking! (clip shows [[TooDumbToLive the protagonists doing just that]])
27	* The Snob's apt summarization of the ending:
28	--> '''Snob''': How does it end you ask? Well smirks how do you ''think'' it ends? (movie clip of MORE dialogue) With ''talking'' and ''fucking''!
29	[[/folder]]
30
31	[[folder:Wanda, The Sadistic Hypnotist]]
32	[[/folder]]
33
34	[[folder:Crazy Fat Ethel II]]
35	-->'''Snob''': I can tell you right now that I would rather [[CrossesTheLineTwice get fucked by Mr. Greenfield]] than have to watch this piece of shit ''again''!
36	[[/folder]]
37
38	[[folder:Sadomania]]
39	* The Snob becomes so distracted by the stunning beauty of the female prison warden, puts the review on hold to find out more about the actress.
40	--> '''Snob:''': A sadistic woman warden played by the stunning, [[UsefulNotes/{{Transgender}} transsexual]], adult film star Ajita Wilson.
41	--> [DoubleTake]
42	--> '''Snob:''' [[FlatWhat What.]] Transsexual Adult Film Star?
43	--> [Dramatic close up]
44	--> '''Snob:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Oh. My. God.]]
45	--> [Cut to ShowerOfAngst]
46	--> '''Snob:''' (On the phone with his girlfriend) Honey. Honey. Honey. We need to have sex. Right. Now. I am really, really, ''really'' confused...
47	[[/folder]]
48
49	[[folder:Los Ritos Sexuales Del Diablo]]
50	* The Snob's bewilderment that a bootlegged DVD of an obscure exploitation film has extra features on it including an EasterEgg
51	--> '''Snob''': That is...fucking ingenious!
52	* On the fact that this movie is the second one in a row to feature bestiality
53	--> '''Snob''': What is it with these movies and animal fucking!?
54	--> '''Snob''': All I am saying is that if you're making an exploitation film and you come across a herd of cattle, [[BestialityIsDepraved keep it in your pants]], goddamn it!
55	[[/folder]]
56
57	[[folder:Zero In and Scream]]
58	* The movie is borderline unfindable on IMDB, so Brad figures the site doesn't want people to find out it exists.
59	[[/folder]]
60
61	[[folder:Brutes & Savages]]
62	* The [[SpecialEffectsFailure alligator death scene]] needs to be seen to be believed.
63	[[/folder]]
64
65	[[folder:Impulse]]
66	* Commenting on how the great titles "I Like to Kill" and "Want a Ride, Little Girl?" were discarded for the blander ''Impulse''.
67	[[/folder]]
68
69	[[folder:Video Violence]]
70	* The start of his review.
71	-->'''Snob:''' This movie... ''fucking'' '''SUCKS!!!''' Throws the box to the floor, where a shattering noise is heard
72	* A little bit later
73	-->'''Snob:''' putting the DVD Box under a power drill Why...won't...you...DIE!?
74	[[/folder]]
75
76	[[folder:Holocaust 2]]
77	* Trying to guess what Holocaust is referring to.
78	* The director did an ''Exorcist 3''... when [[Film/ExorcistIITheHeretic the second movie]] hadn't even come out yet!
79	[[/folder]]
80
81	[[folder:Alucarda]]
82	* Regarding all the ScreamingWoman scenes: "This makes ''[[Film/NineteenFortyOne1979 1941]]'' and ''Film/{{Excalibur}}'' look like silent movies!"
83	[[/folder]]
84
85	[[folder:Don't Go Near The Park]]
86	* After ''Film/DontGoNearThePark'''s opening disclaimer that although it's a work of fiction, it's "[[VeryLooselyBasedOnATrueStory based on true events]]":
87	-->'''Snob''': [[DeadpanSnarker So in other words...it's fiction]]?
88	* The fact that one of the actors is credited as [[AtrociousAlias Crackers Phinn]]:
89	-->'''Snob''': That's right. ''Crackers Phinn.'' [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I am not lying to you]]. (shows the back of the DVD cover as proof) See, there it is! Crackers Phinn!
90	* This gem at the end of the video:
91	-->'''Snob''': Stupid is the only way to describe this movie. That, or [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] stupid!
92	[[/folder]]
93
94	[[folder:Savage Vengeance]]
95	* The JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} gag during the opening credits of the film he's reviewing, [[BlatantLies which was done by a hacker]], according to Brad.
96	[[/folder]]
97
98	[[folder:Unhinged]]
99	[[/folder]]
100
101	[[folder:Satans' Children]]
102	* Complaining how many of these bad movies have good credit sequences, [[DamnedByFaintPraise forcing Brad to praise something]].
103	[[/folder]]
104
105	[[folder:Horrifying Experiments of the S.S.' Last Days]]
106	* The DVD box cover that he drew himself.
107	[[/folder]]
108
109	[[folder:Zombie 4: After Death]]
110	[[/folder]]
111
112	[[folder:Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger]]
113	[[/folder]]
114
115	[[folder:Bloodfreak]]
116	[[/folder]]
117
118	[[folder:Evil Come, Evil Go]]
119	[[/folder]]
120
121	[[folder:Terror at Orgy Castle]]
122	[[/folder]]
123
124	[[folder:The Hand of Pleasure]]
125	[[/folder]]
126
127	[[folder:Zombie Lake]]
128	[[/folder]]
129
130	[[folder:Ninja Untouchables]]
131	[[/folder]]
132
133	[[folder:Snuff]]
134	[[/folder]]
135
136	[[folder:Zombie 5: Killing Birds]]
137	* "Let's end this like every Website/YouTube video should end - with a man on fire."
138	[[/folder]]
139
140	[[folder:Blood of Ghastly Horror]]
141	[[/folder]]
142
143	[[folder:Woodchipper Massacre]]
144	* Snob's predictions for the leading three actors' lives after making the movie: stripper (the hammy girl), alcoholic (the teenage boy), and dead (the bespectacled boy).
145	* Snob advocating firing a friend from set if they turn out to be a LargeHam during filming when they weren't during the audition, and if the first choice for the role was "a fucking dog turd", said "fucking dog turd" is a slight improvement to your movie.
146	[[/folder]]
147
148	[[folder:Monkey with 72 Magic]]
149	[[/folder]]
150
151	[[folder:The Eerie Midnight Horror Show]]
152	* The original VHS CopycatCover that rips off ''Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow'', and Brad's disgust at seeing the DVD cover is nowhere as funny. To push the joke later, he remakes the opening credits like the Rocky Horror ones.
153	[[/folder]]
154
155	[[folder:The Black Six]]
156	[[/folder]]
157
158	[[folder:Mother's Day]]
159	[[/folder]]
160
161	[[folder:Elsa Fraulein SS]]
162	[[/folder]]
163
164	[[folder:Frankenstein Island]]
165	* "Jerry Warren could negotiate a budget on two cans in a string, shoot the movie on a treehouse, and finance it by loaning from the termites!"
166	* The only machine gun they could use was one that can't be taken from the tripod!
167	[[/folder]]
168
169	[[folder:Savage Weekend]]
170	* The Snob refers to the characters as a "group of sex-crazed weirdos" at the beginning of the review. He's not wrong, though.
171	* He decides to give the movie another chance after having seen it a while back. When the movie opens with banjo music playing over the title card, he immediately regrets his decision.
172	-->'''Snob:''' This movie sucks.
173	* The characters are so fucked up to the Snob, he claims he wouldn't be surprised if Marie's son, Jeremy showed up and bit her tit off.
174	* Later he calls the main characters lameos after the only character he likes is killed.
175	** Adding onto that, the Snob forgot that one of them had been hanged by the killer.
176	* The Snob gets frustrated at how poorly made the film is; with some shots being in fullscreen and some being widescreen, along with the boom mic being visible.
177	[[/folder]]
178
179	[[folder:Day of the Panther]]
180	[[/folder]]
181
182	[[folder:Horror of the Zombies]]
183	[[/folder]]
184
185	[[folder:Black Devil Doll from Hell]]
186	* He says that the film is so unsexy that thinking of ''Porno Holocaust'' is giving him an erection. Then, without changing his facial expression, he reaches over and grabs a jug of water, which he then pours on his crotch.
187	* Claiming that the main character is not satisfied with other men pleasuring her because their dicks "aren't made from tree branches"
188	* The RuleOfThree RunningGag of Snob pointing out the movie was released in 1984, then shortening it to "this movie was ''[[StealthInsult released]]''."
189	-->'''Snob:''' Who knew that year would be worse than anything [[Creator/GeorgeOrwell Orwell]] ''ever'' fucking [[Literature/NineteenEightyFour predicted]]?
190	[[/folder]]
191
192	[[folder:The Italian Stallion]]
193	[[/folder]]
194
195	[[folder:The Refrigerator]]
196	* After the fridge claims his first victim after a {{squick}}y love scene:
197	-->'''Snob:''' Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.
198	** Before the attack, Snob mumbling "My, my, my, my, Mitchell" as the horny couple race into the kitchen.
199	* The protagonist's wife walking around the city in a montage reminds Snob of "something out of TV Land heaven" so he plays the theme tune to ''Series/TheMaryTylerMooreShow'' over it.
200	* Snob's annoyance of the husband being mind-controlled by the fridge.
201	-->'''Snob:''' If you let the fridge come between you and your wife, you're a fucking idiot! Or a glutton.
202	* ''(a man gets his foot eaten by a garbage can possessed by the fridge)'' "Why'd he stick is leg in there, in the first place?!"
203	[[/folder]]
204
205	[[folder:Slugs]]
206	[[/folder]]
207
208	[[folder:Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom]]
209	* At one point, Snob is too dry to vomit anymore, despite his urge to, so he pours uncooked egg down his throat. It works.
210	[[/folder]]
211
212	[[folder:Tales from the Quadead Zone]]
213	[[/folder]]
214
215	[[folder:The Galaxy Invader]]
216	* Discovering the movie is the one on the credits to ''Pod People''.
217	[[/folder]]
218
219	[[folder:The Stewardesses 3-D]]
220	* "Ooh, heavy making out! From what I hear, that causes pregnant herpes."
221	[[/folder]]
222
223	[[folder:Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws]]
224	* "Now we're only 14 movies short until ''Film/BackToTheFuturePartII'' is correct!"
225	[[/folder]]
226
227	[[folder:Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning]]
228	[[/folder]]
229
230	[[folder:Strike of the Panther]]
231	* Complaining on how the movie fails at doing the TrainingMontage right, meaning Snob has to do one himself, scored with "No Easy Way Out" from ''Film/RockyIV''.
232	[[/folder]]
233
234	[[folder:Zombie Vs Ninja]]
235	[[/folder]]
236
237	[[folder:Full Metal Ninja]]
238	* Apparently Pierre Kirby fought pirates in Hong Kong. "Holy fucking shit! Pierre Kirby should star in that movie!"
239	* He tries to make it sound as if it's ''Film/FullMetalJacket'' with ninjas.
240	* "Oh my ass it's 200 years ago, is that the same time in history when [[HighlyVisibleNinja ninjas wore bright fucking pink and bandanas with the word ninja written across them]]?"
241	* "Personally I would steal his ninja costume, because I'd wear those sons of a bitch as pajamas for the rest of my life!"
242	[[/folder]]
243
244	[[folder:Thunder of the Gigantic Serpent]]
245	[[/folder]]
246
247	[[folder:Ninja of the Magnificence]]
248	* Noting how the villain looks like Betty from ''Film/KungPowEnterTheFist''.
249	* TheStinger, where a RainOfArrows takes down a lot of ninjas.
250	[[/folder]]
251
252	[[folder:American Commando 2: Hunting Express]]
253	[[/folder]]
254
255	[[folder:Nail Gun Massacre]]
256	[[/folder]]
257
258	[[folder:Bruno Mattei's Terminator II]]
259	[[/folder]]
260
261	[[folder:Helga, She Wolf of Spilberg]]
262	[[/folder]]
263
264	[[folder:War of the Wizards]]
265	[[/folder]]
266
267	[[folder:Shriek of the Mutilated]]
268	* The whole discussion on "Yeti" being [[InherentlyFunnyWords a hilarious word]] and how using that as a monster will lead to [[{{Narm}} involuntary comedy]].
269	[[/folder]]
270
271	[[folder:Zombie 6: Monster Hunter]]
272	* "What the hell? When did this movie's dick get so small it looks like it just came out of the swimming pool?"
273	[[/folder]]
274
275	[[folder:Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell's Heroes]]
276	[[/folder]]
277
278	[[folder:Death Nurse]]
279	[[/folder]]
280
281	[[folder:Deep Throat Part II]]
282	* "This is a movie that sucks because it doesn't suck!"
283	[[/folder]]
284
285	[[folder:TurkishStarWars]]
286	* Regarding the constant flash cuts:
287	-->See this? Tegretol. I'm epileptic, I have been since fourth grade. Turkish Star Wars is the first movie I've done on this show that is literally TRYING TO KILL ME.
288	** Also, playing the theme to ''Film/CannibalHolocaust'' over one of the action scenes.
289	[[/folder]]
290
291	[[folder:Brazilian Star Wars]]
292	* The fake credits in the style of the ''Franchise/StarWars'' scrolling credits, especially the ending:
293	-->You know, I don't know how Lucas comes up with what to write in these text crawls. Did you read that shit I just wrote? "Gamma rays of fecal doom?" That doesn't even make sense, I bought the fucking movie online. And it sucks! Watch, I'll explain why...
294	* Snob disco dancing
295	* "Congratulations! You have mastered the power of VCR!"
296	[[/folder]]
297
298	[[folder:Demented Death Farm Massacre]]
299	* Snob looking up the film's original title on IMDB: ''Honey Britches''. Cue laughter.
300	-->'''Snob:''' That's the dumbest fucking title I've ever heard in my life! That's like if you found out that the original title for ''Film/FatalAttraction'' was ''My Wittle Shmoopy Woopy Woopy''!
301
302	[[/folder]]
303
304	[[folder:Alienator]]
305	[[/folder]]
306
307	[[folder:The Hoboken Chicken Emergency]]
308	* "''The Hoboken Chicken Emergency''? It's like they made each individual word in the title ''Texas Chainsaw Massacre'' kid-friendly!"
309	* "I'm sorry, is Hoboken an island? Or 100 miles away from any nearby town? I'm sure the next town over won't chase you out with pitchforks if you attempt to buy a turkey from their IGA."
310	[[/folder]]
311
312	[[folder:Troll]]
313	* His reaction to the father being named "Harry Potter," from disbelief to disappointment that this was likely where Creator/JKRowling got the idea. "Oh, great. ''Franchise/HarryPotter [[Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia and the Troll Toll of the Boy's Soul]]''."
314	** What the hell?! Fucking Professor [=McGonagal=] is their fucking landlord?!
315	* You know, I think this troll might be playing a duel role. "Hi, I'm Malcolm Mallory, I just moved in!" Call it a hunch!
316	[[/folder]]
317
318	[[folder:Troll 2]]
319	* His response to the name of the town being [[SdrawkcabName "Nilbog"]]:
320	--> '''Snob:''' Holy shit, it's [[{{Alucard}} Dracula spelt backwards]]!
321	* "[[HitlerAteSugar You know who else threw parties?]] [[MonsterClown GACY!]]"
322	* Pointing out the grandfather ghost's resemblance to Creator/OrsonWelles, and saying if there's gonna be ghost Orson Welles, he'll stick with ''WesternAnimation/TheCritic'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9d0xoCRL90 thank you very much.]]
323	* Then there's the opening. The Snob just stares onward and says, "I have been to the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xibalba Xibalba]] and back."
324	[[/folder]]
325
326	[[folder:Don't Open Till Christmas]]
327	[[/folder]]
328
329	[[folder:Bloody New Year]]

Context Funny / TheCinemaSnob2007To2009Episodes