History Quotes / ThePerfectCrime

-->-- ''Series/{{Columbo}}''

->'''Santini''': And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder.\\
'''Columbo''': The perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There is no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.
-->--''Series/{{Columbo}}''

->Philip came up with a plan. Assassination is the biggest, quickest money there is. And the crazy money goes to killers who are reliable — who can [[{{Objectshifting}} get rid of bodies permanently]]. With [[ManchurianAgent you]], we could do that. Anton made sure no-one knew who was really responsible for the murders.
-->--'''Barron,''' to [[spoiler: Cassel]], ''[[Literature/TheCurseWorkers White Cat]]''

-->-- '''Inspector Lunge''', ''Anime/{{Monster}}''

-->--''Series/{{Columbo}}''

->'''Lawyer:''' He's not answering any questions.\\
'''Jake:''' That's okay. I have no questions. That's right. I'm about to monologue, son.\\
'''Phillip:''' You better make it quick. You only got eight minutes.\\
'''Jake:''' All right, then let me paint you a picture of Philip, a successful periodontist that's become addicted to Diazepam, a sedative I take because I'm junkie scum. Also, for real, addiction is a disease. I would be super empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.\\
'''Lawyer:''' What is the point of this?\\
'''Jake:''' I'll get there. So, one day I'm working late when my boss Robert surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds again, junkie scum also again, not your fault. There's a major genetic component to addiction. He says he's gonna file a police report. I could lose my license. We fight, and something in me just snaps, so I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.\\
'''Phillip:''' You still have no murder weapon.\\
'''Jake:''' I do now. Here's a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago, and here is a shot that our crime scene photographer took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?\\
'''Lawyer:''' We're not answering that.\\
'''Jake:''' That's all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six of these heavy-looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas this shot only has five. What happened to number six? You murdered Robert with it!\\
'''Phillip:''' I didn't.\\
'''Jake:''' You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.\\
'''Phillip:''' That's not what happened.\\
'''Lawyer:''' Don't say anything more, Philip.\\
'''Jake:''' And your office manager would have heard all of the screaming but she was at her grandson's play. Lucky again.\\
'''Phillip:''' You're wrong.\\
'''Jake:''' You put Robert's body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator. It's a miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.\\
'''Phillip:''' That's not true.\\
'''Jake:''' Now you're in the garage with a corpse. You panicked and left your phone in your office, and you don't have your car keys, but Robert's are in his pocket so you put him in his car - and you take off.\\
'''Phillip:''' No.\\
'''Jake:''' You can't believe what you've done.\\
'''Phillip:''' No.\\
'''Lawyer:''' ''[warningly]'' Philip.\\
'''Jake:''' You're flustered. You have no GPS, so you just start driving.\\
'''Phillip:''' No!\\
'''Lawyer:''' Philip!\\
'''Jake:''' Next thing you know, you're in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you: your uncle's cabin. He has a place there. You're the luckiest son of a bitch -\\
'''Phillip:''' It wasn't luck!\\
'''Jake:''' Yes, it was. You got lucky at every turn!\\
'''Phillip:''' No! I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn't use some glass award that any ''idiot'' would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth, ''son!'' ''[[[OhCrap slowly realizes what he just said]]]''\\
'''Captain Holt:''' Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn!\\
'''Jake:''' And that is three oh-damns. Woo!
-->-- ''Series/BrooklynNineNine'', "The Box"

-->-- ''Series/BrooklynNineNine'', "The Box"

'''Phillip:''' I didn't. You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.\\

'''Phillip:''' No! I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn't use some glass award that any ''idiot'' would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth, ''son!'' ''[[[OhCrap slowly realizes what he just said]''\\