History Funny / PhilomenaCunk

-->'''Cunk''': I'd be livid if I didn't 'ave a chair.
-->'''Iqbal Khan''': I, I think audiences quite enjoy it. I mean, particularly now.
-->'''Cunk''': I don't think they do enjoy standing, do they?
-->'''Iqbal Khan''': They actually enjoy the experience of standing.
-->'''Cunk''': [[ArmorPiercingQuestion Who's told you that?]]
-->'''Iqbal Khan''': ... Um...

-->'''Simon Russell Beale''': [''reading, with great seriousness and sincerity''] To be, or not to be, that is the question:\\
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
-->'''Cunk''': [''attention starts to wander'']
-->'''Simon Russell Beale''': The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,\\

And by opposing end them.
-->'''Cunk''': [''starts rummaging in her pockets'']
-->'''Simon Russell Beale''': To die, to sleep,\\

That flesh is heir to...
-->'''Cunk''': [''produces a banana and starts peeling it'']
-->'''Simon Russell Beale''': 'Tis a consummation\\
Devoutly to be wish'd.
-->'''Cunk''': [''starts eating the banana and checking her phone'']
-->'''Simon Russell Beale''': To die, to sleep;\\

Must give us pause.
-->'''Cunk''': [''after a moment, notices that he's finished, puts the phone away'']
-->[''He gives her a friendly smile. Pause'']
-->'''Cunk''': ... What was all that about, then?

-->'''Cunk''': It's got like bits of hay and stuff. It's like eating a thatched roof.

-->'''Cunk''': But the most Christmassy film of all time is also the most exciting. ''Die Hard''.
-->[''clip of John [=McClane=] jumping off the roof with the hose tied around his waist; Cunk narrates over the ensuing clips'']
-->'''Cunk''': People think ''Die Hard'' is a gripping and exciting action movie just because, as you can see, it is.
-->[''[=McClane=] pauses mid-shooting to stare at a Santa figurine, and smiles'']
-->'''Cunk''': But it's also a heartwarming Yuletide story, full of the magic of Christmas. It's got everything. Singing.
-->[''[=McClane=] yells as he shoots a bunch of mooks'']
-->'''Cunk''': A man up a chimney.
-->[''[=McClane=] in the ventilation duct'']
-->'''Cunk''': Warming yourself in front of a roaring fire.
-->[''The explosion of flames billows up the lift shaft with [=McClane=] at the top staring down in horror'']
-->'''[=McClane=]''': Shit! [''He dives away as the fire comes out of the lift shaft.'']
-->'''Cunk''': While the snow flutters down outside.
-->[''Exterior shot of bits of paper falling from the sky in Nakatomi Plaza'']
-->'''Cunk''': Brotherly love.
-->'''Al''': [''on the radio, with [=McClane=] listening''] Hey, look. I love ya. So do a lot of the other guys.
-->'''Cunk''': Cranberry sauce.
-->[''Shot of blood smeared on the floor as a corpse is dragged away'']
-->'''Cunk''': Excessive sherry-drinking.
--> [''Karl smashes the liquor cabinet in a fury'']
-->'''One of Holly's co-workers''': God, that man looks really pissed.
-->'''Cunk''': Season's greetings.
-->'''[=McClane=]''': Yippie-ky-ay, motherfucker.
-->'''Cunk''': Your dad, conked out in a chair with a Santa hat and his Christmas jumper.
-->[''The reveal shot of the dead gang member in the elevator wearing the sweatshirt with "NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN HO HO HO" scrawled on it'']
-->'''Cunk''': Angels majestically soaring through the air.
-->[''Hans Gruber falling to his death in slow motion'']
-->'''Cunk''': And of course--Jesus Christ Powell.
-->'''Dwayne Robinson''': Jesus Christ, Powell!

-->'''Cunk''': Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute dick pics to a wide audience.

-->'''Cunk''': [''walking and talking next to the tapestry itself''] It's just like being there, but in wool. Here's the Norman archers, steamin' in on their blue horses. Here's a sort of stick-fight bit... some chopped-up people down here... his head's off... [''to camera''] He'll be furious about that. [''looks at the tapestry again''] Some goose monsters in the sky, lookin' down... sort of lion thing, up here... eating its own tail... Is that its bum-hole? Think that's its bum-hole... [''close-up of King Harold taking his fatal arrow in the eye''] As you can see, Harold won, when he triumphantly caught an arrow in his eye. Sadly, it wasn't enough, and he died soon after. No-one knows why.

-->'''Cunk''': King Arthur came a lot. Didn't he?\\
'''Dr. Laura Ashe, Associate Professor of Medieval Literature, Oxford University''', [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone visibly questioning every decision that led them here]]: I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot.\\
'''Cunk''': No, it definitely says... (''paper rustling'') "King Arthur came a lot."\\
'''Dr. Ashe''': Camelot. It's his court. Where he held court. It's a place.\\
'''Cunk''': Oh, right. ...But do we know if he came a lot? Or, like, just the same as an average man? Like, about a tablespoon?\\
'''Dr. Ashe''' (''after some wordless mouthing''): The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to have had one child.

-->'''Cunk''': What would happen if we voted to end democracy?
-->'''Robert Hazell''': ... How would we do that?
-->'''Cunk''': Take a vote.
-->'''Robert Hazell''': And what would the vote say?
-->'''Cunk''': "I vote to end democracy."
-->'''Robert Hazell''': And what would we put in its place?
-->'''Cunk''': ... Dunno.
-->'''Robert Hazell''': Well, it wouldn't be a very sensible thing to end one system of government without knowing what system of government you're going to replace it with.
-->'''Cunk''': [''looks uncomfortable'']
-->'''Robert Hazell''': It's like saying "Let's vote to leave our house" without knowing where we're going to live next. No-one's going to do that.
-->'''Cunk''': ... Bet you're terrible to go on holiday with.

-->'''Cunk''': How do you play an orchestra? Do yo blow into it, or is it one of those ones where you run a stick on the strings.
-->'''[[ElegantClassicalMusician Dr. Shirley J. Thompson, OBE, compose, Professor of Music]]''': The orchestra is not one particular instrument.
-->'''Cunk''': Yeah.
-->'''Thompson''':So, an orchestra is the coming together of lots of different types of instruments.
-->'''Cunk''': Right, more then one instrument.
-->'''Thompson''': More then one instrument.
-->'''Cunk''': So you need [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything both hands and your mouth]] to play an orchestra.
-->'''Thompson'''(clearly choosing her words carefully): Well, the conductor would need all of those things, but the orchestra itself is an entity that made up of lost of different instruments.

-->'''[[EllegantClassicalMusician Dr. Shirley J. Thompson, OBE, compose, Professor of Music]]''': The orchestra is not one particular instrument.

-->'''Cunk''': So you need [[Does ThisRemindYouOfAnything both hands and your mouth]] to play an orchestra.

'''Historian''': (''[[{{Beat}} questioning every decision that led them here]]'') I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot.\\

'''Historian''': Camelot. ... It's his court. Where he held court. It's a place.\\

'''Historian''' (''after some wordless mouthing''): The only evidence I have in that regard is that he is said to have had one child.

'''Historian''': ([[{{Beat}} questioning every decision that led them here]])\\
'''Historian''': I think you mean that he's associated with the court of Camelot.\\

* "Just like other Greek inventions, like thick yoghurt, sodomy and triangles, democracy has taken the world by storm."

* Her encounter with the "Baywatch Tapestry"[[note]]Bayeux Tapestry[[/note]] is comedy gold.

-->'''Cunk''': ... Bet you're terrible to go on holiday with.

-->'''Cunk''': People think ''Die Hard'' is a gripping and exciting action just because, as you can see, it is.

!!''Cunk on Shakespeare'':

!!''Cunk on Britain'':

* When interviewing Iqbal Khan, theatre director, Philomena observes that she couldn't have stood for the entire length of "a Shakespeare", the way the groundlings did in his day (and the way people do at the Globe today).
-->'''Philomena''': I'd be livid if I didn't 'ave a chair.

-->'''Philomena''': I don't think they do enjoy standing, do they?

-->'''Philomena''': [[ArmorPiercingQuestion Who's told you that?]]

* In the same interview, Philomena insists that 80% of the Globe audience wears glasses. When Khan politely disagrees, she responds "You sayin' I'm a liar?" She goes on to say that maybe it would be a good idea if an enormous lens were placed in front of the stage, so that those people could leave their glasses at home. Khan gently asks "What about those people who aren't short-sighted?" Philomena concedes that they'd need a different lens.

* Philomena goes to see a copy of the First Folio of Shakespeare and informs the camera (wrongly) that it's the only remaining copy of Shakespeare's plays, written by his own hand. [[note]]There are multiple copies of the First Folio and it's printed, not handwritten.[[/note]] She then pulls on a pair of white gloves, preparatory to touching it, only for the curator to tell her that they prefer people to not wear gloves, as it reduces the sensitivity of their fingers and makes them more likely to damage the book. Philomena attempts to brush this off, saying that she's put on the gloves on now so it's too late, but he actually insists that she take them off, which she (very grumpily) does.
* Philomena gets a private performance of Shakespeare's most famous speech, from one of Britain's greatest actors:

-->'''Philomena''': [''attention starts to wander'']

-->'''Philomena''': [''starts rummaging in her pockets'']

-->'''Philomena''': [''produces a banana and starts peeling it'']

-->'''Philomena''': [''starts eating the banana and checking her phone'']

-->'''Philomena''': [''after a moment, notices that he's finished, puts the phone away'']

-->'''Philomena''': ... What was all that about, then?
* Philomena sits down with actor and expert on Shakespeare's language Ben Crystal, and reads him a list of words, the idea being that he'll tell her if Shakespeare invented them. Among the words are "Ceefax", "bambaclaat", "titwank" and "rufflecopter", and Crystal politely says "No" to all of them, except "hobnob", which it turns out Shakespeare did invent. Philomena muses that it makes sense that Shakespeare would have invented the word "hobnob" because Hobnobs are "sort of the most old-fashioned of biscuits."[[note]]Hobnobs are a kind of British biscuit made from rolled oats.[[/note]] Crystal seems quite amused with this notion.
-->'''Philomena''': It's got like bits of hay and stuff. It's like eating a thatched roof.
* Philomena's final verdict on Shakespeare is that, for all that he wrote so many great plays and invented a language, his greatest work, the one that combines all the genres into a single epic masterpiece, is of course ''Series/GameOfThrones''.

* Philomena is standing in front of the penis of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerne_Abbas_Giant Cerne Abbas giant]], a 180ft hill figure.
-->'''Philomena''': Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute dick pics to a wide audience.

-->'''Philomena''': [''walking and talking next to the tapestry itself''] It's just like being there, but in wool. Here's the Norman archers, steamin' in on their blue horses. Here's a sort of stick-fight bit... some chopped-up people down here... his head's off... [''to camera''] He'll be furious about that. [''looks at the tapestry again''] Some goose monsters in the sky, lookin' down... sort of lion thing, up here... eating its own tail... Is that its bum-hole? Think that's its bum-hole... [''close-up of King Harold taking his fatal arrow in the eye''] As you can see, Harold won, when he triumphantly caught an arrow in his eye. Sadly, it wasn't enough, and he died soon after. No-one knows why.

* Her [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUiGpAWuFYQ interview]] with Prof Robert Hazell, professor of British politics and the Constitution, goes rather sideways when it becomes clear to him what an idiot she is:
-->'''Philomena''': What would happen if we voted to end democracy?

-->'''Philomena''': Take a vote.

-->'''Philomena''': "I vote to end democracy."

-->'''Philomena''': ... Dunno.

-->'''Philomena''': [''looks uncomfortable'']

-->'''Philomena''': ... Bet you're terrible to go on holiday with.

* Her encounter with the "Baywatch Tapestry"[[note]]Bayeux Tapestry[[[/note]] is comedy gold.

* In the same interview, Philomena insists that 80% of the Globe audience wears glasses. When Khan politely disagrees, she responds "You sayin' I'm a liar?" She goes on to say that maybe it would be a good idea if an enormous lens were placed in front of the stage, so that those people could leave their glasses at home. Khan (who is either desperate to get away from this lunatic or has cottoned on that she's not actually for real) gently asks "What about those people who aren't short-sighted?" Philomena concedes that they'd need a different lens.

* "Just like other Greek inventions, like thick yoghurt, sodomy and triangles, democracy has taken the world by storm."

* "Our planet is changing. And not in a good way, like into a butterfly, or a giant magic shoe."

!!''Cunk on Britain'':