History Funny / HarrysNewHome

-->Did Harry truly imagine Voldemort chose his name hoping to instill awe and wonder in preadolescents? ''Boys and Girls! Fortscue's Ice Cream Parlor presents a "Name the Dark Lord" contest. Try to come up with the best Evil and Scary title! First prize is a seat by the Dark Lord's Throne! Second prize is a free troll-sized sundae! Only one entry per person; cheaters will be crucio'd.''

* Snape assigns Harry to write "I will not quote my appalling relatives" 500 times. He comes back to find out that the other Gryffindors have suggested, among other things, "My relatives are stupid liars", "My relatives are lard-filled balloons", and "I will pay no attention to anything that my fat, stupid relatives ever said".

* Snape and Harry's wordless communication in the dining hall over the appropriate amount of vegetables to eat before reaching for the dessert tray. (Oliver Wood and Katie Bell seem to think it's rather funny, anyway)
---> But Harry would not be The Boy Who Lived to Ignore Green Vegetables, if Snape had anything to do with it.

* "I will not prank Dark Lords".

--> ''Molly:'' That's it. Dumbledore is senile. We'll have to alert the Ministry in the morning.

** Or Izkibibble.

** --> quote: But Harry would not be The Boy Who Lived to Ignore Green Vegetables, if Snape had anything to do with it.
* Almost any CoolAndUnusualPunishment issued by McGonagall or Snape.

** Chapter 57, [[spoiler:when Snape is about to break the news to Harry that he has formally adopted him]]:
-->[[spoiler:Snape would not have been surprised if the ghost of James Potter appeared and punched him in the nose. ''Dear Earth Science News, If you note a new wobble in the earth's orbit, I suggest you investigate a certain grave in Godric's Hollow. Its resident is likely to be spinning at such a speed as to interfere with planetary motion...'']]

* When the Grangers visit the castle, and find that every student is being extremely polite, [[spoiler:completely unaware that Hermione has been using their status as dentists to build a reputation for herself as TheDreaded, and the entire school is terrified that if they eat sweets in front of them, they'll drill holes in their teeth and stuff metal in them!]]

* Harry playing CombatCommentator to [[spoiler:Nagini and the Basilisk]] fighting in chapter 50. The BlackComedy, it MUST BE READ.

** Chapter 4, on Harry's lack of self-preservation instinct:

* Any and all of the letters Snape writes to various publications in his head.
** Chapter 7, when Harry is being clingy during a visit to the Weasleys' house:
-->''Dear Pureblood Monthly, what advice would you have for a half-blood Death Eater (retired) who is invited to dinner at the home of blood traitors and finds himself with The Boy Who Lived glued to his knee? Do I use a fish, butter, or steak knife to surgically remove the brat? Is it considered poor form to cut my own throat rather than suffer through such an excruciating evening? If not, which knife do I use? Is suicide considered more or less of a faux pas if you wait until after the meal has been served?''

* ''Had that impertinent, unfathomable, unpredictable child just said that? Had he really referred to Snape as a father, his father? Snape wondered if the flying pigs that must surely have invaded Hogwarts were interfering with Quidditch practice.''

** ''Albus continued to eat calmly, but he was twinkling madly at his plate. Beyond him, Hagrid had missed his mouth entirely and stuck a forkful of bacon into his beard. He too stared at Snape in astonishment, as did Madame Hooch beside him. Quirrell for once appeared to be too surprised even to twitch and stammer, while beyond him Trelawney let out a shriek. "It's a sign! A sign of the apocalypse!"''

** ''At this rate, upon learning of Voldemort's plans for him, the boy would march up and challenge the Dark Lord to an arm wrestling match or some other equally idiotic and Gryffindorish duel. He'd probably even take it upon himself to explain to Voldemort what spells and counters he had yet to learn, in the naive assumption the Dark Lord would thereupon avoid using them. Snape could just hear the brat now: "Yoo hoo, Lord Voldemort! I'm over here! Is all the fog from the battle making it hard for you to see me? Aim a little more to your left!"''

* When the Grangers visit the castle, and find every student is so polite. [[spoiler: Unaware that Hermione had been using their status as Dentists to build a reputation for herself, and the entire school is terrified that if they eat sweets in front of them, they'll drill holes in their teeth and stuff metal in them!]]
* Snape reminisces finding Lupin in Italy in chapter 27. A nearby waiter thinks they're DATING. Bloody Italians.
** Snape's list of priorities: Advise press conference with pensieved memories within one week. Demand a meeting with boy immediately thereafter. [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Encourage Padfoot to play in traffic.]]

* Harry playing CombatCommentator to [[spoiler:Nagini and the Basilisk]] fighting in chapter 50. The BlackComedy, it MUST BE READ.

** Snape's list of priorities: Advise press conference with pensieved memories within one week. Demand a meeting with boy immediately thereafter. [[BreadMilkEggsSquick Encourage Padfoot to play in traffic.]]

* All the miscommunications between Snape and Harry; Harry thinks one thing, Snape thinks another...and somehow it all works out.

* Any and all of the letters Snape writes to various publications in his head.

* When the Grangers visit the castle, and find every student is so polite. [[spoiler: Unaware that Hermione had been using their status as Dentists to build a reputation for herself, and the entire school is terrified that if they eat sweets in front of them, they'll drill holes in their teeth and stuff metal in them!]]