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Changed line(s) 968,969 (click to see context) from:
* The story begins with the protagonist, Mitsuo Ando, preparing to commit suicide after failing to save his son from falling to his death, but is interrupted by a phone call; he tells the caller that he has received divorce papers from his wife:
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' This won't bring my son back...\\
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' This won't bring my son back...\\
to:
* The story begins with the protagonist, Mitsuo Ando, Andoh, preparing to commit suicide after failing to save his son from falling to his death, but is interrupted by a phone call; he tells the caller that he has received divorce papers from his wife:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' ''[thinking]'' This won't bring my son back...\\
Changed line(s) 973,974 (click to see context) from:
* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the previous movie, who also happened to be his friend and rival; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Ando notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
-->'''Ando:''' Another code game, ''huh'', Ryuji?\\
-->'''Ando:''' Another code game, ''huh'', Ryuji?\\
to:
* Ando Andoh ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the previous movie, who also happened to be his friend and rival; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Ando Andoh notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' Another code game, ''huh'', Ryuji?\\
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** Afterwards, Ando is met by police investigator Maekawa Keibuho, who asks him questions about what happened:
to:
** Afterwards, Ando Andoh is met by police investigator Maekawa Keibuho, who asks him questions about what happened:
Changed line(s) 978,979 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Well, there's one thing we can be certain of: it wasn't an evil videotape ghost.
*** Ando notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
*** Ando notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Andoh]'' Well, there's one thing we can be certain of: it wasn't an evil videotape ghost.
***Ando Andoh notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
***
Changed line(s) 984 (click to see context) from:
* Ando soon meets with Mai, who tells him that Ryuji has mentioned him before in conversation:
to:
* Ando Andoh soon meets with Mai, who tells him that Ryuji has mentioned him before in conversation:
Changed line(s) 992,993 (click to see context) from:
* Later, Ando works on solving the number puzzle, and using a simple substitution cipher, he discovers that it says the word "RING":
-->'''Ando:''' Stupid.\\
-->'''Ando:''' Stupid.\\
to:
* Later, Ando Andoh works on solving the number puzzle, and using a simple substitution cipher, he discovers that it says the word "RING":
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' Stupid.\\
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* After talking with his colleague Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
to:
* After talking with his colleague Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando Andoh meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
Changed line(s) 1000,1001 (click to see context) from:
'''Ando:''' ''You sure Ryuji didn't leave you a message? Like about a video tape...''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Dear God, woman! Do you know what Blockbuster Video will do to me if that tape isn't in the drop box by tonight?! I LIKE HAVING MY KNEECAPS!
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Dear God, woman! Do you know what Blockbuster Video will do to me if that tape isn't in the drop box by tonight?! I LIKE HAVING MY KNEECAPS!
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as
Changed line(s) 1005,1006 (click to see context) from:
** Ando wraps up the conversation, then asks to see Mai again later:
--->'''Ando:''' Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you ''more'' about Ryuji's death.\\
--->'''Ando:''' Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you ''more'' about Ryuji's death.\\
to:
** Ando Andoh wraps up the conversation, then asks to see Mai again later:
--->'''Ando:''' --->'''Andoh:''' Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you ''more'' about Ryuji's death.\\
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* Ando meets with Miyashita about what he learned about the Ring virus; Miyashita reports that six bodies share the same cause of death as Ryuji, including Asakawa's wife and daughter, who were initially suspected to have died in a car crash:
-->'''Ando:''' What happened to the husband?\\
-->'''Ando:''' What happened to the husband?\\
to:
* Ando Andoh meets with Miyashita about what he learned about the Ring virus; Miyashita reports that six bodies share the same cause of death as Ryuji, including Asakawa's wife and daughter, who were initially suspected to have died in a car crash:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' What happened to the husband?\\
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'''Ando:''' How ''badly'' injured?\\
to:
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* Later, Ando is contacted by a reporter named Kenzo Yoshino, who tries to get Ando to discuss the results of Ryuji's autopsy; when Ando doesn't budge, Yoshino hands him a copy of a report Asakawa drafted about the string of deaths:
to:
* Later, Ando Andoh is contacted by a reporter named Kenzo Yoshino, who tries to get Ando Andoh to discuss the results of Ryuji's autopsy; when Ando Andoh doesn't budge, Yoshino hands him a copy of a report Asakawa drafted about the string of deaths:
Changed line(s) 1019 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' What the...? You idiot! This is just his copy of ''VideoGame/Wolfenstein3D''!
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Andoh]'' What the...? You idiot! This is just his copy of ''VideoGame/Wolfenstein3D''!
Changed line(s) 1029 (click to see context) from:
*** Ando points out that Asakawa is still alive despite having seen the tape; Yoshino confirms this, while also revealing that he has been rendered catatonic. Ando asks Yoshino if he saw the video, to which he replies no:
to:
*** Ando Andoh points out that Asakawa is still alive despite having seen the tape; Yoshino confirms this, while also revealing that he has been rendered catatonic. Ando Andoh asks Yoshino if he saw the video, to which he replies no:
Changed line(s) 1032,1033 (click to see context) from:
* After looking over the report, Ando decides to investigate Asakawa's apartment:
-->'''Ando:''' I need to investigate something. Do you ''mind'' if I borrow a spare key?\\
-->'''Ando:''' I need to investigate something. Do you ''mind'' if I borrow a spare key?\\
to:
* After looking over the report, Ando Andoh decides to investigate Asakawa's apartment:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' I need to investigate something. Do you ''mind'' if I borrow a spare key?\\
Changed line(s) 1036 (click to see context) from:
** Inside the apartment, Ando flips through the channels on the television, soon landing on a very peculiar program:
to:
** Inside the apartment, Ando Andoh flips through the channels on the television, soon landing on a very peculiar program:
Changed line(s) 1041 (click to see context) from:
* Ando brings the report to Miyashita, asking him to read it:
to:
* Ando Andoh brings the report to Miyashita, asking him to read it:
Changed line(s) 1043 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Yeah, I've decided it's time to finally get out of this whole autopsy business and finally get to work on my screenplay.
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Andoh]'' Yeah, I've decided it's time to finally get out of this whole autopsy business and finally get to work on my screenplay.
Changed line(s) 1052,1053 (click to see context) from:
* Unfortunately, Mai is found dead, her body stuffed into a ventilation shaft in the roof of her apartment; an autopsy reveals that not only did she not suffer the same effects as the previous victims, but her body had signs that she had just given birth. Ando goes to the apartment roof and looks through a smokestack, which just so happens to resemble a well:
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' Why did Mai Takano ''end up'' here... What brought her up here?\\
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' Why did Mai Takano ''end up'' here... What brought her up here?\\
to:
* Unfortunately, Mai is found dead, her body stuffed into a ventilation shaft in the roof of her apartment; an autopsy reveals that not only did she not suffer the same effects as the previous victims, but her body had signs that she had just given birth. Ando Andoh goes to the apartment roof and looks through a smokestack, which just so happens to resemble a well:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' ''[thinking]'' Why did Mai Takano ''end up'' here... What brought her up here?\\
Changed line(s) 1055,1057 (click to see context) from:
'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' If she was pregnant, where did the baby go...? Tell me...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando, "projecting his thoughts"]'' Tell me, building! I'm using my telepathy to try to get answers from you! ''[beat]'' What? Every other character in this series has psychic powers, so I might as well, too!
* At the lab, Ando and Miyashita manage to isolate the Ring virus in a microscope; they learn the virus itself isn't very infectious, and it looks very similar to smallpox:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando, "projecting his thoughts"]'' Tell me, building! I'm using my telepathy to try to get answers from you! ''[beat]'' What? Every other character in this series has psychic powers, so I might as well, too!
* At the lab, Ando and Miyashita manage to isolate the Ring virus in a microscope; they learn the virus itself isn't very infectious, and it looks very similar to smallpox:
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as
* At the lab,
Changed line(s) 1059 (click to see context) from:
'''Ando:''' The remaining 30%?\\
to:
Changed line(s) 1061 (click to see context) from:
'''Ando:''' ''Enzyme?'' What kind?\\
to:
Changed line(s) 1069 (click to see context) from:
* Ando manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realizes he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
to:
* Ando Andoh manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando Andoh realizes he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
Changed line(s) 1072 (click to see context) from:
** When they return to the apartment, Miyashita calls Ando while the woman takes a shower:
to:
** When they return to the apartment, Miyashita calls Ando Andoh while the woman takes a shower:
Changed line(s) 1074 (click to see context) from:
'''Ando:''' Movies.\\
to:
Changed line(s) 1077,1079 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Triple-feature of Creator/NeilBreen movies; they made about as much sense as this story.
* In a series of complicated reveals, Ando learns that the woman he's with is a reborn Sadako Yamamura, who can control anyone infected with the Ring virus:
-->'''Ando:''' Sadako... What do you ''want''?\\
* In a series of complicated reveals, Ando learns that the woman he's with is a reborn Sadako Yamamura, who can control anyone infected with the Ring virus:
-->'''Ando:''' Sadako... What do you ''want''?\\
to:
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Andoh]'' Triple-feature of Creator/NeilBreen movies; they made about as much sense as this story.
* In a series of complicated reveals,Ando Andoh learns that the woman he's with is a reborn Sadako Yamamura, who can control anyone infected with the Ring virus:
-->'''Ando:''' -->'''Andoh:''' Sadako... What do you ''want''?\\
* In a series of complicated reveals,
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* After talking with his friend Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
to:
* After talking with his friend colleague Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
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Changed line(s) 1069 (click to see context) from:
* Ando manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realized he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
to:
* Ando manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realized realizes he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
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Changed line(s) 1069 (click to see context) from:
* Andoanages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realized he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
to:
* Andoanages Ando manages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realized he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
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* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Miyashita:''' Can I say something stupid?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[singing]'' [[Music/FrankSinatra And then he went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like "I love you."]]
-->'''Miyashita:''' Can I say something stupid?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[singing]'' [[Music/FrankSinatra And then he went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like "I love you."]]
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Changed line(s) 1071 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in a poor judgment call, Mitsuo takes her to see ''Film/Cats''; she then refuses to go on a second date with him.\\
to:
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in a poor judgment call, Mitsuo takes her to see ''Film/Cats''; ''Film/{{Cats}}''; she then refuses to go on a second date with him.\\
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* In a series of complicated reveals, Ando learns that the woman he's with is a reborn Sadako Yamamura, who can control anyone infected with the Ring virus:
-->'''Ando:''' Sadako... What do you ''want''?\\
'''Sadako:''' I don't know. Just that, in that well... I could not bear to rot away without anyone noticing. I wanted ''everyone'' to remember... the existence of Sadako Yamamura...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sadako]'' Now, though, I just kind of want to see movies. Ooh! Maybe I'll start a podcast!
-->'''Ando:''' Sadako... What do you ''want''?\\
'''Sadako:''' I don't know. Just that, in that well... I could not bear to rot away without anyone noticing. I wanted ''everyone'' to remember... the existence of Sadako Yamamura...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sadako]'' Now, though, I just kind of want to see movies. Ooh! Maybe I'll start a podcast!
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* Andoanages to reunite with the woman he met in the elevator of Mai's apartment... then holds hands with her, kisses her, and has sex with her almost immediately; the next morning, Ando realized he never even asked her name, but she ignores the question:
-->'''Woman:''' Let's go to a ''movie''? I ''want'' to watch a ''movie''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in a poor judgment call, Mitsuo takes her to see ''Film/Cats''; she then refuses to go on a second date with him.\\
** When they return to the apartment, Miyashita calls Ando while the woman takes a shower:
--->'''Miyashita:''' Where were ''you'' all day? I've been trying to get a ''hold'' of you!\\
'''Ando:''' Movies.\\
'''Miyashita:''' Huh?\\
'''Ando:''' Watched three straight.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Triple-feature of Creator/NeilBreen movies; they made about as much sense as this story.
-->'''Woman:''' Let's go to a ''movie''? I ''want'' to watch a ''movie''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in a poor judgment call, Mitsuo takes her to see ''Film/Cats''; she then refuses to go on a second date with him.\\
** When they return to the apartment, Miyashita calls Ando while the woman takes a shower:
--->'''Miyashita:''' Where were ''you'' all day? I've been trying to get a ''hold'' of you!\\
'''Ando:''' Movies.\\
'''Miyashita:''' Huh?\\
'''Ando:''' Watched three straight.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Triple-feature of Creator/NeilBreen movies; they made about as much sense as this story.
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** Miyashita explains how the virus works, which beggars belief:
--->'''Miyashita:''' First, by watching the video, viewers' hearts reach a certain condition. Such condition mutates the existing DNA to the Ring virus, a virus very similar to smallpox.\\
'''[[ComicBook/SupermanAtEarthsEnd Twin Clone of Hitler]]:''' Of ''course''. Don't you know anything ab--\\
'''Linkara:''' NO! I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO HUMOR IT WITH THE ''SUPERMAN: AT EARTH'S END'' CLIP! THIS IS FRICKING DUMB! VIDEOTAPES... ALTER... YOUR DNA! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING WITH! THE POWER OF MAGNETIC TAPE, EVERYBODY! BATMAN WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! THIS IS WHY VHS TAPES ARE SO BAD! YOU DON'T GET DNA-ALTERING TAPES WITH BETAMAX, YOU KNOW!
--->'''Miyashita:''' First, by watching the video, viewers' hearts reach a certain condition. Such condition mutates the existing DNA to the Ring virus, a virus very similar to smallpox.\\
'''[[ComicBook/SupermanAtEarthsEnd Twin Clone of Hitler]]:''' Of ''course''. Don't you know anything ab--\\
'''Linkara:''' NO! I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO HUMOR IT WITH THE ''SUPERMAN: AT EARTH'S END'' CLIP! THIS IS FRICKING DUMB! VIDEOTAPES... ALTER... YOUR DNA! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING WITH! THE POWER OF MAGNETIC TAPE, EVERYBODY! BATMAN WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! THIS IS WHY VHS TAPES ARE SO BAD! YOU DON'T GET DNA-ALTERING TAPES WITH BETAMAX, YOU KNOW!
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Changed line(s) 1062,1063 (click to see context) from:
'''Miyashita:''' '''''Human.'''''
''[dramatic sting]''
''[dramatic sting]''
to:
'''Miyashita:''' '''''Human.'''''
'''''\\
''[dramaticsting]''sting]''\\
''[dramatic
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Changed line(s) 1050 (click to see context) from:
--->'''Miyashita:''' One week is ''too'' short to solve a mystery.\\
to:
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* At the lab, Ando and Miyashita manage to isolate the Ring virus in a microscope; they learn the virus itself isn't very infectious, and it looks very similar to smallpox:
-->'''Miyashita:''' About a 70% overlap.\\
'''Ando:''' The remaining 30%?\\
'''Miyashita:''' Don't be surprised, but the remaining part overlaps with a gene that codes the enzyme.\\
'''Ando:''' ''Enzyme?'' What kind?\\
'''Miyashita:''' '''''Human.'''''
''[dramatic sting]''
'''Linkara:''' OH, MY GOD!! THERE ARE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF ENZYMES IN THE HUMAN BODY; COULD YOU BE MORE SPECFIC?
-->'''Miyashita:''' About a 70% overlap.\\
'''Ando:''' The remaining 30%?\\
'''Miyashita:''' Don't be surprised, but the remaining part overlaps with a gene that codes the enzyme.\\
'''Ando:''' ''Enzyme?'' What kind?\\
'''Miyashita:''' '''''Human.'''''
''[dramatic sting]''
'''Linkara:''' OH, MY GOD!! THERE ARE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF ENZYMES IN THE HUMAN BODY; COULD YOU BE MORE SPECFIC?
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*** Miyashita says he wants to see the tape, but knows that doing so will put life at stake:
--->'''Miyashita:''' One week is ''too'' short to solve a mystery.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hmm, not if you're ''WesternAnimation/BluesClues''.
* Unfortunately, Mai is found dead, her body stuffed into a ventilation shaft in the roof of her apartment; an autopsy reveals that not only did she not suffer the same effects as the previous victims, but her body had signs that she had just given birth. Ando goes to the apartment roof and looks through a smokestack, which just so happens to resemble a well:
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' Why did Mai Takano ''end up'' here... What brought her up here?\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, presumably, whoever murdered her and stuffed her in there.\\
'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' If she was pregnant, where did the baby go...? Tell me...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando, "projecting his thoughts"]'' Tell me, building! I'm using my telepathy to try to get answers from you! ''[beat]'' What? Every other character in this series has psychic powers, so I might as well, too!
--->'''Miyashita:''' One week is ''too'' short to solve a mystery.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hmm, not if you're ''WesternAnimation/BluesClues''.
* Unfortunately, Mai is found dead, her body stuffed into a ventilation shaft in the roof of her apartment; an autopsy reveals that not only did she not suffer the same effects as the previous victims, but her body had signs that she had just given birth. Ando goes to the apartment roof and looks through a smokestack, which just so happens to resemble a well:
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' Why did Mai Takano ''end up'' here... What brought her up here?\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, presumably, whoever murdered her and stuffed her in there.\\
'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' If she was pregnant, where did the baby go...? Tell me...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando, "projecting his thoughts"]'' Tell me, building! I'm using my telepathy to try to get answers from you! ''[beat]'' What? Every other character in this series has psychic powers, so I might as well, too!
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* After looking over the report, Ando decides to investigate Asakawa's apartment:
-->'''Ando:''' I need to investigate something. Do you ''mind'' if I borrow a spare key?\\
'''Landlord:''' Alright. Please make ''sure'' to visit my office later.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the landlord]'' I want a complete list of all the stuff that's in there that I can steal and sell later.
** Inside the apartment, Ando flips through the channels on the television, soon landing on a very peculiar program:
--->'''Announcer:''' Next is the weather, brought to you by the weather forecast girl.\\
'''Linkara:''' As opposed to who?\\
'''Weather Forecast Girl:''' Hello, where do you think I am right now? It's quite incredible. I'll soon die.\\
'''Linkara:''' The Weather Channel in Japan is ''weird''!
* Ando brings the report to Miyashita, asking him to read it:
-->'''Miyashita:''' What's this? Did ''you'' write this?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Yeah, I've decided it's time to finally get out of this whole autopsy business and finally get to work on my screenplay.
** Later, the two hang out at a bar; Miyashita says he read the report, and the times and dates match the reported facts:
--->'''Miyashita:''' It's not like I ''totally'' believe it, but modern science cannot answer any of the fundamental questions ''anyway''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Miyashita]'' Like "Why haven't they made a ''Pokémon'' MMORPG yet?" You'd think the franchise would be perfect for that.\\
'''Miyashita:''' How life began on Earth. Does evolution consist of a series of coincidences?\\
'''[[Music/InsaneClownPosse Shaggy 2 Dope]]:''' Fuckin' magnets. How do they work?
-->'''Ando:''' I need to investigate something. Do you ''mind'' if I borrow a spare key?\\
'''Landlord:''' Alright. Please make ''sure'' to visit my office later.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the landlord]'' I want a complete list of all the stuff that's in there that I can steal and sell later.
** Inside the apartment, Ando flips through the channels on the television, soon landing on a very peculiar program:
--->'''Announcer:''' Next is the weather, brought to you by the weather forecast girl.\\
'''Linkara:''' As opposed to who?\\
'''Weather Forecast Girl:''' Hello, where do you think I am right now? It's quite incredible. I'll soon die.\\
'''Linkara:''' The Weather Channel in Japan is ''weird''!
* Ando brings the report to Miyashita, asking him to read it:
-->'''Miyashita:''' What's this? Did ''you'' write this?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Yeah, I've decided it's time to finally get out of this whole autopsy business and finally get to work on my screenplay.
** Later, the two hang out at a bar; Miyashita says he read the report, and the times and dates match the reported facts:
--->'''Miyashita:''' It's not like I ''totally'' believe it, but modern science cannot answer any of the fundamental questions ''anyway''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Miyashita]'' Like "Why haven't they made a ''Pokémon'' MMORPG yet?" You'd think the franchise would be perfect for that.\\
'''Miyashita:''' How life began on Earth. Does evolution consist of a series of coincidences?\\
'''[[Music/InsaneClownPosse Shaggy 2 Dope]]:''' Fuckin' magnets. How do they work?
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Changed line(s) 1026 (click to see context) from:
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I've seen that cursed video before. ''[plays [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=32FB-gYr49Y this]]]''
to:
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I've seen that cursed video before. ''[plays [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=32FB-gYr49Y this]]]''this]]]''\\
'''Yoshino:''' If you watch it, you're ''supposed'' to die in a week.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoshino]'' But then, people are lazy and never get around to it.
*** Ando points out that Asakawa is still alive despite having seen the tape; Yoshino confirms this, while also revealing that he has been rendered catatonic. Ando asks Yoshino if he saw the video, to which he replies no:
---->'''Yoshino:''' If I did, ''I'' would've been on the autopsy table by now.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoshino]'' But mostly so I could jump out and yell "Boo!" at you; I have a [=YouTube=] prank channel on the side.
'''Yoshino:''' If you watch it, you're ''supposed'' to die in a week.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoshino]'' But then, people are lazy and never get around to it.
*** Ando points out that Asakawa is still alive despite having seen the tape; Yoshino confirms this, while also revealing that he has been rendered catatonic. Ando asks Yoshino if he saw the video, to which he replies no:
---->'''Yoshino:''' If I did, ''I'' would've been on the autopsy table by now.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoshino]'' But mostly so I could jump out and yell "Boo!" at you; I have a [=YouTube=] prank channel on the side.
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'''Linkara:'' Appropriate date conversations: talking about how your teacher and mentor and possible boyfriend horribly and mysteriously died.
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* Later, Ando is contacted by a reporter named Kenzo Yoshino, who tries to get Ando to discuss the results of Ryuji's autopsy; when Ando doesn't budge, Yoshino hands him a copy of a report Asakawa drafted about the string of deaths:
-->'''Yoshino:''' I printed out what was saved on the floppy disk.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' What the...? You idiot! This is just his copy of ''VideoGame/Wolfenstein3D''!
** Actually, what was saved on the disk was titled "The Ring":
--->'''Yoshino:''' The report contains a very interesting story, although ''absurd''.\\
'''Linkara:''' I love how this manga keeps actively telling us how goofy it is.\\
'''Yoshino:''' I'd like to hear your opinion, from a scientific point of view, whether something like this could ''possibly'' happen.\\
'''Dr. Linksano:''' Ah! As a scientist, allow me to save you the trouble! Ahem... NO!\\
'''Yoshino:''' It's about a ''cursed video''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I've seen that cursed video before. ''[plays [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=32FB-gYr49Y this]]]''
-->'''Yoshino:''' I printed out what was saved on the floppy disk.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' What the...? You idiot! This is just his copy of ''VideoGame/Wolfenstein3D''!
** Actually, what was saved on the disk was titled "The Ring":
--->'''Yoshino:''' The report contains a very interesting story, although ''absurd''.\\
'''Linkara:''' I love how this manga keeps actively telling us how goofy it is.\\
'''Yoshino:''' I'd like to hear your opinion, from a scientific point of view, whether something like this could ''possibly'' happen.\\
'''Dr. Linksano:''' Ah! As a scientist, allow me to save you the trouble! Ahem... NO!\\
'''Yoshino:''' It's about a ''cursed video''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I've seen that cursed video before. ''[plays [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=32FB-gYr49Y this]]]''
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* Ando meets with Miyashita about what he learned about the Ring virus; Miyashita reports that six bodies share the same cause of death as Ryuji, including Asakawa's wife and daughter, who were initially suspected to have died in a car crash:
-->'''Ando:''' What happened to the husband?\\
'''Miyashita:''' In the hospital.\\
'''Ando:''' How ''badly'' injured?\\
'''Miyashita:''' His body wasn't touched, but his mind's ''gone''. Since the accident, he has ''totally'' lost it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Miyashita]'' It's our convenient way of leaving him out of the story.
* Investigating on her own, Mai recovers the cursed videotape and watches it at her house; among the usual imagery, there is now a shot of some phantom faces:
-->'''Linkara:''' Not sure what's up with that, unless [[WebAnimation/LlamasWithHats Carl the llama]] is somehow involved with the Ring curse now.\\
'''Carl:''' I'm sorry; I thought you liked faces. Obviously, there was a miscommunication.
-->'''Ando:''' What happened to the husband?\\
'''Miyashita:''' In the hospital.\\
'''Ando:''' How ''badly'' injured?\\
'''Miyashita:''' His body wasn't touched, but his mind's ''gone''. Since the accident, he has ''totally'' lost it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Miyashita]'' It's our convenient way of leaving him out of the story.
* Investigating on her own, Mai recovers the cursed videotape and watches it at her house; among the usual imagery, there is now a shot of some phantom faces:
-->'''Linkara:''' Not sure what's up with that, unless [[WebAnimation/LlamasWithHats Carl the llama]] is somehow involved with the Ring curse now.\\
'''Carl:''' I'm sorry; I thought you liked faces. Obviously, there was a miscommunication.
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'''Ando:'' ''You sure Ryuji didn't leave you a message? Like about a video tape...''\\
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*** They are naturally confused about what this could refer to, though Mai knows that Asakawa was researching something with Ryuji:
---->'''Mai:''' But, Doctor, what do you think? If the content of a video is ''extremely'' shocking... could a person ''die'' by watching it?\\
---->'''Mai:''' But, Doctor, what do you think? If the content of a video is ''extremely'' shocking... could a person ''die'' by watching it?\\
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** Ando wraps up the conversation, then asks to see Mai again later:
--->'''Ando:''' Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you ''more'' about Ryuji's death.\\
'''Linkara:'' Appropriate date conversations: talking about how your teacher and mentor and possible boyfriend horribly and mysteriously died.
--->'''Ando:''' Takano, why don't we get together again. I might be able to tell you ''more'' about Ryuji's death.\\
'''Linkara:'' Appropriate date conversations: talking about how your teacher and mentor and possible boyfriend horribly and mysteriously died.
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* Later, Ando works on solving the number puzzle, and using a simple substitution cipher, he discovers that it says the word "RING":
-->'''Ando:''' Stupid.\\
'''Linkara:''' Mmm, yeah, that describes the complexity of that puzzle. Are we sure Mitsuo was the only one who could figure this out, or was everyone else just annoyed at how simple the puzzles were?
* After talking with his friend Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
-->'''Mai:''' The night of the wake for Professor Takayama, there was a phone call. It was from someone named ''Asakawa''. He said he was a friend of Professor Takayama from school.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' And by "his wake", I mean "the exact same day it happened, unless the novel did it differently, but that would be weird, given the timeline of events". ''[beat]'' Also, I'd already met him.
** As Linkara explains, this is the novel's version of Asakawa, Kazuyuki, who is just an old friend of Ryuji's:
--->'''Mai:''' And, he spoke as if he was at his ''wit's end''.\\
'''Ando:'' ''You sure Ryuji didn't leave you a message? Like about a video tape...''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Dear God, woman! Do you know what Blockbuster Video will do to me if that tape isn't in the drop box by tonight?! I LIKE HAVING MY KNEECAPS!
*** They are naturally confused about what this could refer to, though Mai knows that Asakawa was researching something with Ryuji:
---->'''Mai:''' But, Doctor, what do you think? If the content of a video is ''extremely'' shocking... could a person ''die'' by watching it?\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, it certainly felt like I ''wanted'' to die after watching ''Film/AfterLastSeason''.
-->'''Ando:''' Stupid.\\
'''Linkara:''' Mmm, yeah, that describes the complexity of that puzzle. Are we sure Mitsuo was the only one who could figure this out, or was everyone else just annoyed at how simple the puzzles were?
* After talking with his friend Miyashita about a concerning new disease they've discovered, Ando meets with Mai for a coffee date, who informs him that there's something else that's been bothering her about Ryuji's death:
-->'''Mai:''' The night of the wake for Professor Takayama, there was a phone call. It was from someone named ''Asakawa''. He said he was a friend of Professor Takayama from school.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' And by "his wake", I mean "the exact same day it happened, unless the novel did it differently, but that would be weird, given the timeline of events". ''[beat]'' Also, I'd already met him.
** As Linkara explains, this is the novel's version of Asakawa, Kazuyuki, who is just an old friend of Ryuji's:
--->'''Mai:''' And, he spoke as if he was at his ''wit's end''.\\
'''Ando:'' ''You sure Ryuji didn't leave you a message? Like about a video tape...''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Dear God, woman! Do you know what Blockbuster Video will do to me if that tape isn't in the drop box by tonight?! I LIKE HAVING MY KNEECAPS!
*** They are naturally confused about what this could refer to, though Mai knows that Asakawa was researching something with Ryuji:
---->'''Mai:''' But, Doctor, what do you think? If the content of a video is ''extremely'' shocking... could a person ''die'' by watching it?\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, it certainly felt like I ''wanted'' to die after watching ''Film/AfterLastSeason''.
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* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the previous movie; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Ando notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
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* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the previous movie; movie, who also happened to be his friend and rival; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Ando notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
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* Ando soon meets with Mai, who tells him that Ryuji has mentioned him before in conversation:
-->'''Mai:''' Professor Takayama spoke of you... about the code games you used to play in school... He said you were the only one who could solve his code.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' He kept writing them down on scraps of paper and then eating them from a bowl like it was his cereal; it was weird.
** Mai then recounts how she found his body:
--->'''Mai:''' I received the phone call around ''half past nine'', I believe. I check my watch often. I can pretty much ''guess'' the caller based on the time of the day.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' Every person in my life calls me daily at near-specific times, for some reason.
*** Mai says she heard a scream, but according to what's written in the panel, it sounds more like he had an upset stomach:
---->'''Linkara:''' Which is understandable, because he was trying to shove pieces of paper down his throat.
-->'''Mai:''' Professor Takayama spoke of you... about the code games you used to play in school... He said you were the only one who could solve his code.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' He kept writing them down on scraps of paper and then eating them from a bowl like it was his cereal; it was weird.
** Mai then recounts how she found his body:
--->'''Mai:''' I received the phone call around ''half past nine'', I believe. I check my watch often. I can pretty much ''guess'' the caller based on the time of the day.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mai]'' Every person in my life calls me daily at near-specific times, for some reason.
*** Mai says she heard a scream, but according to what's written in the panel, it sounds more like he had an upset stomach:
---->'''Linkara:''' Which is understandable, because he was trying to shove pieces of paper down his throat.
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** Afterwards, Ando is met by police investigator Maekawa Keibuho, who asks him questions about what happened:
--->'''Keibuho:''' Found ''any'' suspicious causes of death?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Well, there's one thing we can be certain of: it wasn't an evil videotape ghost.
*** Ando notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
---->'''Keibuho:''' If you'd like, you can talk to Mai Takano directly. She ''first'' discovered the body.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keibuho]'' As a pathologist, it's important for you to talk to a witness in my investigation, even though that's not your job.\\
'''Keibuho:''' She's a student of Professor Takayama. A ''girl friend'', so to speak.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keibuho]'' A friend who is a girl, but not a girlfriend, so to speak. ''[beat]'' Also, I'm really happy about this, for some reason.
--->'''Keibuho:''' Found ''any'' suspicious causes of death?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Ando]'' Well, there's one thing we can be certain of: it wasn't an evil videotape ghost.
*** Ando notes how weird it is that they have the time of death down so accurately, but Keibuho says it's just a coincidence:
---->'''Keibuho:''' If you'd like, you can talk to Mai Takano directly. She ''first'' discovered the body.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keibuho]'' As a pathologist, it's important for you to talk to a witness in my investigation, even though that's not your job.\\
'''Keibuho:''' She's a student of Professor Takayama. A ''girl friend'', so to speak.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keibuho]'' A friend who is a girl, but not a girlfriend, so to speak. ''[beat]'' Also, I'm really happy about this, for some reason.
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* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the pervious movie
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* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the pervious movieprevious movie; after sewing up the body and having a nightmarish vision, Ando notices a piece of paper sticking up from Ryuji's stomach, with two numbers written on it:
-->'''Ando:''' Another code game, ''huh'', Ryuji?\\
'''Linkara:''' "Oh no! Sadako's crawled out of the TV and is about to murder me! I better swallow this small scrap of paper with numbers on it that's a clue to a deeper mystery as if I was fricking [[Franchise/{{Saw}} Jigsaw]]!"
-->'''Ando:''' Another code game, ''huh'', Ryuji?\\
'''Linkara:''' "Oh no! Sadako's crawled out of the TV and is about to murder me! I better swallow this small scrap of paper with numbers on it that's a clue to a deeper mystery as if I was fricking [[Franchise/{{Saw}} Jigsaw]]!"
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* The story begins with the protagonist, Mitsuo Ando, preparing to commit suicide after failing to save his son from falling to his death, but is interrupted by a phone call; he tells the caller that he has received divorce papers from his wife:
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' This won't bring my son back...\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, divorce usually has such a great track record for resurrecting the dead!\\
'''Caller:''' I'll do ''whatever'' you want. I just want you to be ''yourself'' again.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, "himself" turns out to be someone who likes to go streaking in subway tunnels.
* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the pervious movie
-->'''Ando:''' ''[thinking]'' This won't bring my son back...\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, divorce usually has such a great track record for resurrecting the dead!\\
'''Caller:''' I'll do ''whatever'' you want. I just want you to be ''yourself'' again.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, "himself" turns out to be someone who likes to go streaking in subway tunnels.
* Ando ends up performing the autopsy of Ryuji Takayama, the college professor who helped Reiko Asakawa in the pervious movie
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%%[[folder:706: [=The Ring, Vol. 3=]]]
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* As usual, Linkara is excited to get this year's "''Ashock the Fourth Wall''" underway:
-->'''Linkara:''' It's Halloween time, my friends! The standing guard to prevent Christmas from seeping in even earlier! The time to cut loose and show off our love for the dark and the macabre! The time for spooky specials and people dressing up like ghouls to talk about horror comics while [[FlippingTheBird giving me the finger]] from across the room!\\
'''Moarte:''' ''[holding up two middle fingers]'' I do that all year round anyway!
[[/folder]]
%%[[folder:707: [=The Ring, Vol. 4: Birthday=]]]
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Plus, we've still got that big-ass Senate chamber with the floating disks, and we really don't know what else to do with it; we were storing old arcade cabinets there.
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Plus, we've still got that big-ass Senate chamber with the floating disks, discs, and we really don't know what else to do with it; we were storing old arcade cabinets there.
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Remember how Senate disks you threw at me? This time, something bigger have I to throw.\\
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Remember how Senate disks discs you threw at me? This time, something bigger have I to throw.\\
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*** Yoda then admits that Leia is his sister, Obi-Wan's ghost appearing to explain that they kept it secret from him to avoid the Empire ever finding out. However, they also suspect that Palpatine knew all along about Leia's connection to Vader; since Vader is incapable of succeeding him, he would accept either Vader's son or daughter as potential heirs:
to:
*** Yoda then admits divulges that Leia is his sister, Obi-Wan's ghost appearing to explain that they kept it secret from him to avoid the Empire ever finding out. However, they also suspect that Palpatine knew all along about Leia's connection to Vader; since Vader is incapable of succeeding him, he would accept either Vader's son or daughter as potential heirs:
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And to quote a great Jedi, "The door's open! Let's go!"
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'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And to quote a great Jedi, "The "[[VideoGame/ThePhantomMenace The door's open! Let's go!"go!]]"
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%%[[/folder]]
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----
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[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall Main]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2008Episodes 2008]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2009Episodes 2009]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2010Episodes 2010]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2011Episodes 2011]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2012Episodes 2012]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2013Episodes 2013]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2014Episodes 2014]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2015Episodes 2015]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2016Episodes 2016]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2017Episodes 2017]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2018Episodes 2018]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2019Episodes 2019]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2020Episodes 2020]] | 2021: [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes631To655 631 - 655]], [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes656To676 656 - 676]] | 2022: '''[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2022Episodes 677 - 699]], '''700 - Present'''
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[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall Main]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2008Episodes 2008]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2009Episodes 2009]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2010Episodes 2010]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2011Episodes 2011]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2012Episodes 2012]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2013Episodes 2013]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2014Episodes 2014]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2015Episodes 2015]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2016Episodes 2016]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2017Episodes 2017]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2018Episodes 2018]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2019Episodes 2019]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2020Episodes 2020]] | 2021: [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes631To655 631 - 655]], [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes656To676 656 - 676]] | 2022: '''[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2022Episodes [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2022Episodes 677 - 699]], '''700 - Present'''
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[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall Main]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2008Episodes 2008]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2009Episodes 2009]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2010Episodes 2010]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2011Episodes 2011]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2012Episodes 2012]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2013Episodes 2013]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2014Episodes 2014]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2015Episodes 2015]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2016Episodes 2016]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2017Episodes 2017]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2018Episodes 2018]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2019Episodes 2019]] | [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2020Episodes 2020]] | 2021: [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes631To655 631 - 655]], [[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2021Episodes656To676 656 - 676]] | 2022: '''[[Funny/AtopTheFourthWall2022Episodes 677 - 699]], '''700 - Present'''
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:[=700th Episode: Superman: Year One #1-3=]]]
* The FramingDevice for this episode is about an elder Linkara (played by Lewis' father) being interviewed by a reporter (played by Lewis' mother) over his successful career, all the while parodying the constant {{retcon}}ning of origin stories as he keeps making blatantly false claims about his past.
** It turns out elder Linkara explained the ''entirety'' of his theme song. When the reporter expresses shock he just did that, Linkara replies that she "gets paid by the hour, right?" This silences her.
** In the far-flung future, Pollo has a new body (based on Laserbeak of ''Franchise/{{Transformers}}'' fame), but ''still'' no working arms. He does have neat talons, though!
** With the interview over, the reporter goes to someone more popular than Linkara: [[WebVideo/TheDomReviews Dominic Noble]], who still looks like he did in the 2020s. He explains that this is because he has somehow gained immortality through reading an unhealthy amount of Creator/ELJames books. Both he and the reporter admit that [[Main/TakeThat it wasn't worth it at all.]]
* Linkara notes how the first issue's cover depicts him as an adult due to his body proportions, but appears to be emerging from the ship that took him to Earth as a baby:
-->'''Linkara:''' Although, I can't really tell if he's fully-grown or not; this could be a teenager, for all we know. With the proportions all over the place, maybe this ''is'' him as a baby!
* The story opens on Krypton's final moments:
-->'''Captions:''' The air seems to ''boil''. Lightning ''flashes''. Thunder ''roars''. A planetwide storm. There is no rain, no relief.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Weather forecasters all across the planet say in unison, "Oops."\\
'''Captions:''' The crust ''roars'' and ''wrenches''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, yeah, I remember the last time I overcooked a pizza.\\
'''Captions:''' Everything ''falls'' and ''clatters'' and ''breaks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' All cats on Krypton are making a statement.\\
'''Captions:''' Everything ''screams''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' That shoelace over there? It's screaming.
** We get a closer view of the destruction:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Pipelines'' explode. Crystalline ''towers'' built to last for eons shatter like ''porcelain''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Lawsuits are filed for false advertising.\\
'''Captions:''' It is the ''end''. For ''everything''. For ''everyone''. It is the ''death'' of the planet ''Krypton''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Somehow, the life insurance on it still ends up being collected.
*** We soon discover, weirdly enough, that baby Kal-El is the one providing the narration:
---->'''Captions:''' Just ''look'' at ''Mom'' and ''Dad''. They're ''running''. They're ''jumping''. They're ''dancing''.\\
'''Linkara:''' No, no, no, no, no. That's not how you dance when the world is ending. Fortunately, to demonstrate that properly, we have the [[RunningGag Ninja Style Dancer]].\\
'''Ninja Style Dancer:''' ''[properly demonstrates apocalyptic dance protocol]''
* Jor-El and Lara manage to send Kal-El away before Krypton explodes, setting his course for the planet Earth... only for it to seemingly explode, too:
-->'''Linkara:''' Man, [[Film/ManOfSteel the "S" doesn't mean "hope"]] in this version; it means "worst luck".
* Jor-El's voice is broadcast from the ship's computers to wake up Kal-El, which are only distinguishable from Kal's previous captions by rounded corners:
-->'''Jor-El's Voice:''' Wake up, my son! Wake ''up''. You have ''much'' to do.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' You've got a busy day of pooping, and then sleeping, and then giggling at random things.\\
'''Jor-El's Voice:''' A ''world'' awaits. A living world. A world of ''terrors'' and ''wonders''. A world that ''needs'' you. A world you must ''save''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' No pressure or anything.\\
'''Jor-El's Voice:''' ''WAKE UP!''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' [[Music/SystemOfADown Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup!]]
** The ship then opens up, revealing Jonathan Kent:
--->'''Captions:''' Rush of a thousand gorgeous, angelic alien scents.\\
'''Linkara:''' And then he smells [[RunningGag grape jelly and mustard]], and Kal-El decides to destroy the Earth.\\
'''Captions:''' A million ''buzzes'' and ''squeals'' and ''chatters'' and ''chirps'' from a ''universe'' of life.\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, mostly bugs, though, based on that description.
*** Kal-El emerges from the ship and stares creepily at the reader:
---->'''Captions:''' The Kansas ''wind'' sweeps across the ''wheat field'' like the ''cleansing hand'' of ''God''.\\
'''Linkara:''' I think that lyric got cut from ''Theatre/{{Oklahoma}}''...
* Jonathan picks up Kal-El for the first time, and feels something... unexpected:
-->'''Captions:''' Jon Kent feels something ''probe'' inside his skull. A gentle ''warmth'' makes him feel like his ''brain'' is floating. The boy ''coos'', pleased. This is ''not'' a ''hostile''. Let him take you to your new ''home''. Let him think this is all ''his'' idea.\\
'''Linkara:''' Is Kal using mind control on him?!
** Jonathan brings Kal-El back to his house on his truck:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Father'' once did a ''demonstration'' of how this antique kind of ''engine'' works. It burns ''dead monsters''.\\
'''Linkara:''' So, Jor-El decided to teach his infant son the basics: reading, writing, and how combustion engines, long-outdated technology on Krypton, works; it's like trying to teach your three-year-old about Linotype machines!
* Jonathan introduces Kal-El to Martha:
-->'''Jonathan:''' Hi. I found me something. He came out of a rocket what dropped straight outta the sky.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jonathan]'' [[ImAHumanitarian We're eatin' good tonight, Martha!]]\\
'''Martha:''' Those eyes of his... It's like they've seen ''worlds'' upon ''worlds''. ''Wonders'' beyond all ''reckoning''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Martha]'' We'll make a ''fortune'' selling them!\\
'''Martha:''' Jonathan-- ''Wherever'' could this boy have ''come'' from?\\
'''Jonathan:''' Maybe that ''just don't matter'', my love! Maybe all that ''counts'' is where he's ''headed''.\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, so many seem to care more about where he came from; go figure.
* After Kal-El gets his Earth name of Clark Kent and grows up, Jonathan drives him to his first day of high school:
-->'''Jonathan:''' You ''watch your step'', Clark. If you go and start thinking you're ''better'' than everybody else... ...well, there's ''nothing'' good can come of ''that''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jonathan]'' Especially because... well, not to put too fine a point on it, Clark, but you ever hear the expression "pencil-neck"?\\
'''Clark:''' I'm not better ''than'' anybody. I know that. I'm just better at ''doing stuff''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' [[RunningGag I really want to go "over there" and be better, but "over there" has to take care of its own problems, right, Dad?]]\\
'''Jonathan:''' Or like your ''head's'' getting so big, it'll just ''explode'', right, boy?\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, God, even the comic is aware of how comically huge his head is!
** During lunch, Clark overhears his classmates talking about how he managed to adjust his friend's styrofoam helmet in science class, but then picks up something else, revealed to be Lana Lang:
--->'''Captions:''' Then he hears a ''name''. Her ''name''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Wait, why are those kids talking about Music/BillieEilish years before they were even born?
* Later that afternoon, Clark meets with a group of similar "weirdos" and encourages them to respond to bullying with snark and jokes:
-->'''Clark:''' Never forget. You're a heck of a lot smarter than the whole pack of them. Mess with their heads.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Tell them to solve pi to the last digit and watch their heads explode.
** The kid he helped earlier, Mickey, says they'll just bust their heads open in response:
--->'''Clark:''' Not if your jokes are good enough to get the whole crowd laughing.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Do what that Linkara guy does and say "boner" a lot! It works for him!
* At the dinner table, Clark asks his parents what to do about the bullies at school; Martha says to deal with them non-violently, while Jonathan jokes that he should talk to them first and then kick their butts when that fails... but ultimately sides with Martha:
-->'''Linkara:''' [[TakeThat Then he tells his son to just let bullying happen, and also, if kids get hurt, he should let them get hurt, because it's more important to preserve the secret, but in the future, he can probably figure it all out for himself in a vague, abstract sense that isn't actually helpful.]] ''[beat]'' [[Film/BatmanVSupermanDawnOfJustice Oh, and then his ghost will show up at some point to tell Clark that helping people will actually make things worse.]]
* After another bullying incident, Clark tries to talk to them and get them to stop, but they decide to pick a fight with him in return:
-->'''Captions:''' ...His ''father's'' voice whispers. The voice from the rocket.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' My son... I think I accidentally left my wallet in the rocket; could you send it back?
* After meeting with the vice principal about his encounter with the bullies, Clark talks with his parents about ways to fight back:
-->'''Clark:''' But is it bullying to fight back? Somebody's gotta take on the bad guys.\\
'''Martha:''' Oh, nobody's really bad, darling. Some people just get confused.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hahahahahaha... [[SincerityMode Yes, they are, Martha; there are legitimately bad people. They are awful, and the only confusion should come from why it took so long to punch them.]] ''[beat]'' [[MoodWhiplash Boner! I'm hilarious!]]
** Later, Jonathan visits Clark and tells him that Martha was wrong, and that you shouldn't be a complete doormat:
--->'''Jonathan:''' No, you... You're something this old world's never seen before. And you're going to change it. Just by being there. So change it for the better.\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark would go on to endorse a toothpaste phone app that told you when to brush.
* Over the next few days, Clark learns that his attempts at fighting the bullies caused them to escalate their tactics, such as graffitiing buses and attacking Clark's other friends:
-->'''Captions:''' His mind ''races''. It's just like ''Pa'' said. Don't go ''showing'' off. Liable to get somebody ''hurt''. Liable to get somebody ''killed''. There's ''got'' to be ''another way''. A better way...\\
'''Linkara:''' Bacon-eating contest!
* After saving Lana from a trap set by the bullies, Clark flies her back to her house, revealing his powers to another person for the first time; he also tells Lana that she should dig up the truth if she wants to find justice:
-->'''Lana:''' Like a reporter would.\\
'''Linkara:''' Or a really obsessed blogger with a bunch of unhinged conspiracy theories, but who can say?
* Clark and Lana meet up in the school library the next day:
-->'''Lana:''' ''Boning up'' there, Mr. Kent?\\
'''Captions:''' ''Damn'' if Lana doesn't just have a way of ''saying'' things...\\
'''Linkara:''' [[IWarnedYou See? Me saying "boner" several times in this episode isn't just me being endlessly humorous, but also prophetic.]]
** They begin to grow closer as a couple and, after getting a kiss goodnight from Lana, Clark heads to a place where several kids were bullied:
--->'''Captions:''' ...And for a minute, he pretends the spot is his own hiding place... ...his little ''Fortress of Solitude''. ...And then he takes himself a ''pee''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Likes to pee in bushes where he was bullied!
* Near the end of their senior year, Clark informs Lana of his plan to join the Navy; the two of them have sex before Clark leaves for basic training the next day:
-->'''Linkara:''' And hey, once again, it all comes back around to boners.\\
'''Lana:''' I guess you're off to storm the barricades now, soldier boy. Don't you go forgetting the small-town girl you left behind.\\
'''Clark:''' I won't be gone forever, Lana... ...And how on Earth could I ever forget you?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[WhatHappenedToTheMouse Lana Lang is not seen again for the rest of this miniseries.]] I think he mentions her once or twice, but otherwise, she is gone from this story. ''[beat]'' As we'll see, that's apparently a recurring motif.
* Linkara briefly describes the imprint this story was published under, Creator/DCBlackLabel:
-->'''Linkara:''' We'll talk about the Black Label another time, but more or less, "Here's where we put everything that used to be in [[Creator/VertigoComics Vertigo]], and also any time [[ComicBook/BatmanDamned we want to show Batman's penis]]." ''[beat]'' Again, more boners.
* In the beginning of the second issue, Clark proves to be an exceptional recruit, and is sent to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado in San Diego to train as a Navy SEAL, where he seems to have a particular affinity for the sea:
-->'''Captions:''' And the ''sea''. Her ''smell''. Her ''taste''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Mmm, tastes like dehydration!\\
'''Captions:''' She ''calls'' to him. She ''strengthens'' him. She ''begs'' for him.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' She wants the money he owes her.
* One night, Clark spies mermaids frolicking in the water in the distance, which his superior corroborates:
-->'''Superior:''' Watching the ''girls'', boy? Can't say I blame you. They're ''worth'' the watching, they surely are.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' Especially when they lure them out and rip them to shreds with razor-sharp teeth; now, ''that's'' entertainment!\\
'''Superior:''' This world's ''full'' of wonders, son.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' For example, digital watches; I don't see it getting any better than that.
** The superior warns Clark that several men have been attracted to the mermaids and swam out to meet them... and have never been seen since:
--->'''Superior:''' ...But you never heard nothing about no ''mermaids''... not from ''me'', now, ''did'' you, boy? Now ''did'' you, boy?\\
'''Clark:''' Sir, no, ''sir''! Nothing about no ''mermaids'', ''sir''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' Good. ''[beat]'' Now, hippogriffs, on the other hand...
* After being forced to clean the latrines after inadvertently starting a bar brawl while on shore leave, Clark sneaks out to the water to get a closer look at the mermaids:
-->'''Captions:''' The ''angels'' are calling to him. The ''sea nymphs'' are calling.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, it would turn out they were really sea monkeys.\\
'''Captions:''' ...But their ''song''... Why is it so ''sad''...?\\
'''Linkara:''' That's because they're singing [[Music/BenFolds Ben Folds Five's]] "Brick", Clark; it's not a happy song.\\
'''Captions:''' Adapt. You don't need the air. Let it out. Now breathe the water. It's easy. It's easy.\\
'''Twin Clone of Hitler''': Of course. Don't you know anything about ''science''?\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, idiots; it's easy to breathe underwater! Just do it! ''[angrily taps his head]''
** He eventually encounters one, who communicates with him telepathically:
--->'''Captions:''' The angel's name is ''Lori''... ...and she's ''teasing'' him...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Asking him why he brought his watch underwater with him. ''[beat]'' Also, she thinks his haircut is stupid.
*** Clark follows Lori to the undersea continent of Atlantis, which is currently dealing with an experimental surveillance submarine that crashed into its walls; as Clark helps out, the perspective shifts to one of the Atlanteans:
---->'''Atlantean:''' ''[thinking]'' It was our darkest hour... ...all hope was lost... and ''LO''! ...a beacon of ''LIGHT'' shone through! It was a ''SURFACE MAN''... A ''SUPERMAN''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the Atlantean]'' Wait, no, that's what we'll call him! "Surface Man"!\\
'''Atlantean:''' ''[thinking]'' Words... the hero's voice spoke to us... to our minds...\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, so we're adding telepathy to Superman's powers now?! Or is this just an ability unique to Surface Man?!
* Clark returns to base, and while sparring with another soldier, he knocks him down without hurting him as the captain barks about finishing moves:
-->'''Captain:''' From this here ''position''... ...you can pound his ''face'' to ''burger meat''... ...or you can ''rip'' his ''throat'' out with your ''teeth''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captain]'' Either way, lunch is up!\\
'''Captain:''' What's it going to ''be'', soldier?\\
'''Clark:''' I think I'll ask him how his ''mom'' is doing, sir!\\
'''Linkara:''' ...Okay, I know that's supposed to be Clark being wholesome and friendly, but you can also read that as him saying "I banged his mom."
* Following a mission aboard a hijacked cargo ship where he refused to kill any of the pirates, Clark is honorably discharged and meets up with his superior before rejoining Lori:
-->'''Superior:''' You practically ''ate'' that ''hand grenade'' back there, soldier... and that baby was no ''dud''. That I seen... and plenty else. You got ''gifts''... gifts like nothing anybody's ever ''seen''. Gifts. Talents. Hone those talents! Learn those skills!\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark went on to become a professional game streamer on Twitch.
* After Lori tells him that he needs to speak with her father Poseidon for permission to have sex with her, Clark puts on his Superman outfit for the first time and battles a sentry stationed outside Atlantis, using his telepathy to convert it to his side:
-->'''Captions:''' So he ''focuses'' his ''mind''... ...and gives a gentle psychic ''push''... ...and the sentry ''pivots''... ...and opens ''wide'' the gate... ...and beckons its new master ''in''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Has more psychic powers than [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} Mewtwo]]!
** Clark then makes his way to the throne room:
--->'''Captions:''' And how the ''sea maidens'' chitter and ''chat'', their voices like ''chimes''... ...It's ''music'', all ''music''. It's all ''music''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[singing]'' [[Music/TheBeatles I like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden, in the shade.]]
*** Clark approaches Poseidon and kneels before him:
---->'''Lori:''' He shows you respect, Father.\\
'''Poseidon:''' He respects nothing. He squats like a frog.\\
'''Linkara:''' So... What? Was he supposed to curtsy, then?
* Clark thinks about Poseidon's challenge, musing about what would happen if he managed to wrest the throne of Atlantis from him:
-->'''Clark:''' ''[thinking]'' Wouldn't ''that'' be a hoot!... ...I can just see it. "''Clark Kent, King of the Seven Seas''"... ...that's got one ''heck'' of a ring to it!\\
'''Linkara:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yeah, wouldn't that be stupid and ridiculous?!]] ''[uncomfortable pause]'' WOULDN'T THAT BE STUPID AND RIDICU--?!
* After attempting to kill Clark with his mightiest warriors as well as a mother and child Kraken to no avail, Poseidon accepts defeat and swims away to reflect and plan his revenge:
-->'''Captions:''' He will ''reclaim'' his ''throne''. He will ''reclaim'' his ''princess bride''.\\
'''[[Film/ThePrincessBride Count Rugen]]:''' I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
* The third and final issue opens with Lois Lane in a miniature sub exploring the ocean as an Atlantean torpedo strikes the area near her:
-->'''Captions:''' Targeting systems lock. ''Torpedo'' strike. Volcanic gas ''explodes''. Planet Earth ''farts''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Stay classy, Frank.
** Unfortunately for Lois, the sub begins to take damage:
--->'''Captions:''' Another ''explosion''. The ocean's demons ''laugh''. A child ''smacks'' his bathtub toy. ...And then the little beast ''throws'' his toys ''away''.\\
'''[[Recap/StarTrekS2E7Catspaw Kirk]]:''' Spock. Comment?\\
'''Spock:''' Very bad poetry, Captain.
* As the Atlanteans prepare to finish the job, Clark intervenes, destroying the Atlanteans' submarine and delivering Lois to shore... all while Frank Miller's bad habit of incessantly repeating dialogue returns in full force:
-->'''Captions:''' She's as good as ''dead''. She's as good as ''dead''. She's as good as ''dead''.\\
'''Linkara:''' This story is as good as dead, good as dead!
** Clark performs CPR on Lois, saving her life:
--->'''Clark:''' You're going to be fine. You're safe with me.\\
'''Captions:''' "You're safe with me." It sounds so ''simple'' when ''he'' says it. So simple... and so utterly ''true''. Like she'd ''always'' be safe in ''his'' arms. Right. Provided this ''space cadet'' doesn't get ''distracted'' by a ''butterfly'' or something and ''drop'' her.\\
'''Linkara:''' She should be concerned about that; he might spot some butterfly woman that he decides to go romance and then forget about later.
* After dealing with a squad on soldiers who attempted to ambush him, Clark returns to Lois to find her in shock from both the water and the cold temperatures:
-->'''Captions:''' Got to move ''quickly''... ...But... ...Take a second... ...Just a second... ...Get a look at her papers...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Oh, my God, she's dying! [[SkewedPriorities I better rifle through her purse!]]
* Clark enrolls in college at Kansas State University and gets his journalism degree, and is now all set to move to Metropolis for his new job at the ''Daily Planet'':
-->'''Captions:''' He looks ''around'', but nobody's asking for ''help''. Not in ''Metropolis''. Everybody knows ''exactly where'' they're ''going''. ''Exactly'' why they're ''here''. Nobody's ''talking'' too much. Nobody's ''wasting time''. Not in ''Metropolis''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Have we had it wrong all this time, and the repeating is just him writing lyrics for a musical? ''[singing]'' Nobody's wasting time, not in Metropolis!\\
'''Captions:''' The ''fashions'' here... The ''styles''... It's like another ''planet''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, my God! It's... a hoodie! And a hat! [[RunningGag What new spore of madness is this?!]]\\
'''Captions:''' ''Fashions''. ''Styles''. From all around the ''world''. A million disguises to be had. One's bound to stick. Only ''bad guys'' wear ''masks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark Kent helped keep the pandemic going.
* Clark, preparing to be Superman for the first time, sorts through the noise of Metropolis to find what crimes he needs to prioritize:
-->'''Captions:''' ''Start'' where it ''starts''. Crime ''starts'' on the streets. So what do crooks ''want''? They want money. Where do they ''find'' it? ''Banks''.\\
'''Cyber-Leader:''' [[RunningGag There is... logic in what he says.]]\\
'''Captions:''' Never mind the third-rate ''muggers'' and ''street swindlers''. Go for the ''banks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' Rob all the banks so the criminals can't! A-- Wait...
** After foiling a bank robbery and rounding up some drug dealers, Superman turns his attention to an abusive husband:
--->'''Captions:''' Across town. Utter ''madness''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, because a lot of the other stuff that's happened so far has been perfectly sane and rational!\\
'''Captions:''' An all-too-''common'' sort of madness.\\
'''Cyberman''': Is this human condition of "madness", Leader?\\
'''Cyber-Leader''': It is.\\
'''Abusive Husband:''' ''Reading'' that ''garbage'' again, are ya? You ''know'' I ''hate'' it when you ''read'', woman!\\
'''Linkara:''' The dark sequel to ''Batman: A Word to the Wise'' that nobody was asking for.
*** Before the husband can lay a hand on his wife, Superman stops him cold, breaking his wrist in the process:
---->'''Abusive Husband:''' ''Ghad''. You bastard. Right in my own home.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the abusive husband]'' It'd be okay if you broke my wrist out on the streets, but here?!
* Sure enough, footage is captured of Superman, and his exploits are the top story on all the major networks:
-->'''Anchorwoman:''' This story's going to knock your snot out, folks...\\
'''Linkara:''' A phrase nobody has ever said before, especially not on the news. ''[beat]'' This is going to be like [[ComicBook/TheDarkKnightStrikesAgain that "Naked News" thing from years ago]] and be a totally real thing and the only thing you comment on for this video that's already well over an hour long, isn't it?
* At the ''Planet'', Lois, Jimmy Olsen, and another reporter named Winters prepare to report on a hostage crisis at Luthor's Palace:
-->'''Lois:''' So where's ''Kent'', anyway?\\
'''Olsen:''' Says he hadda go to the ''bathroom'', Ms. Lane.\\
'''Lois:''' Useless.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lois]'' Needing to pee? What a useless guy!
** Clark, overhearing this, does not take it well:
--->'''Captions:''' "Useless." She scarcely ''whispers'' the word... ...But it ''sticks'' in him like a hot ''poker''. It always does. Each and every time she says it. "''Useless''." It's like he's ''nothing''. It's like he's ''worthless''. One of these days he'll ''show'' her just how ''worthless'' he is. He'll ''show'' them ''all''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Incredibly petty!
* The hostage-takers threaten to drop a baby to her death unless they get safe passage and a billion dollars in diamonds, but Superman easily her:
-->'''Captions:''' ...He snaps up this scared, scared little Dorothy... ...like he was carrying her straight off to ''Oz''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, he dropped her off in ''Film/ReturnToOz'', and she's scarred for life.
** Superman then returns to the hostage-takers to finish the job:
--->'''Hostage-Taker 1:''' We are so dead.\\
'''Hostage-Taker 2:''' ''No!'' He's just a ''man''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' That's right! I AM A MAN! ''*punch*''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[finds a miniature Pollo in his hands]'' Oh, hey; little Pollo figurines. I'm going to sell these at conventions.\\
'''Captions:''' Just a ''man'', yes. A man of ''steel''!\\
'''Linkara:''' And of very compressed pectorals, based on this image.
* While the hostages escape, Lex Luthor makes his way to Superman:
-->'''Luthor:''' ''[thinking]'' Everything is in ''order''. Everything is in ''order''. ''Beautiful''. Surely he will ''understand''. Surely Superman will ''realize''... that ''truth'' and ''justice''... ...will only be found in a time of peace... ...a time of order.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luthor]'' Surely he will realize that ''my'' narration captions are the best ones.\\
'''Luthor:''' ''[thinking]'' Surely this godlike ''champion''... ...will ''smile'' into the bright light of ''reason''... ...and recognize his ''superior''... ...and ''kneel'' down before Luthor in grateful ''obedience''.\\
'''Linkara:''' No, Lex, he won't. ''[beat]'' And the "S" doesn't stand for "surely".
** As Luthor walks onto the roof, Superman yells at him that he won't take orders from him, seemingly reading his thoughts:
--->'''Luthor:''' My mind just works a little ''faster'' than yours. You'll do what you're told.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, but will it move faster than his fist to your face?
* Because it seems like an obligation at this point, Frank Miller introduces Batman in the final third of the issue as he stops a gang of pirates from hijacking an arms shipment in Gotham... while waving a gun at them:
-->'''Batman:''' Keep ''moving'', pirates, or you're all ''dead''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman, holding a gun]'' I know you're the ones keeping DC comics from arriving in Gotham City! Carol Fein warned me about you! ''HOW MUCH IS [[RunningGag ONE-FACE]] PAYING YOU?!''
** Batman leads the pirates onto a boat to be picked up by the feds back onshore:
--->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' It's all so wonderfully quiet, so perfectly ''Gotham''... ...The constant ''bleating'' of my city... The ''car alarms'' crying... ...The ''police sirens'' rising, then falling off, so far away... ...The lapping ''waves''... ...The pirates' muffled ''curses''... ...All of it ''music'' to my ears.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Specifically, it's a Starland Vocal Band song; weird.
*** Batman escapes by swimming to a motorized engine he stored underwater:
---->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' Slapped this little darling together in my ''workshop''. She converts sea ''water'' straight into ''electrical power''... ...giving me an ''ocean'' of fuel. The concept could have ''applications''. That's if I ever cared to ''share'' it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman, singing]'' [[Series/Batman1966 Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Bat-Dick!]]
* Luthor holds a press conference declaring that all costumed vigilantes will now be agents of the state, Superman included, and his first order of business will be to send him after Batman; Superman tries to object, but Luthor keeps interrupting him:
-->'''Captions:''' They ''cheer''. This is only getting worse.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' [[StatingTheSimpleSolution I suppose I could very loudly and noticeably take the microphone from him and admonish him over this,]] [[IdiotBall but I'm not going to because I'm suddenly an idiot.]]
* The Joker meets with Luthor to plan a distraction for Superman and Batman, and uses his phone while Luthor contacts his drug manufacturers:
-->'''Captions:''' Alone with his thoughts. His thoughts. The thoughts he has. That's a little too disturbing ...even for him.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the Joker, thinking as he scrolls on his phone]'' I think now's the right time for a ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'' reunion movie.\\
'''Captions:''' But that's okay. That's what phones are for. So you don't have to ever be alone with your thoughts.\\
'''Linkara:''' Is Frank Miller having an [[Recap/TheSimpsonsS13E13TheOldManAndTheKey "Old Man Yells at Clouds"]] moment with that?
** Suddenly, Batman captures the Joker and blows up a drug farm, while quoting lines from ''The Dark Knight Strikes Again'' for some reason:
--->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' Striking ''terror''. Best part of the ''job''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Well, that and [[ComicBook/AllStarBatmanAndRobinTheBoyWonder making out with random women who show up on motorcycles]]; that's pretty cool.
* After learning his plans were foiled by Batman, Luthor decides to force Superman and Batman into a direct fight:
-->'''Luthor:''' ''Lure'' their competing ''visions'' of ''justice'' into blessed ''conflict''... ...and reap the ''whirlwind''. They'll ''destroy'' each other. ''Genius''. It's too ''small'' a word.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luthor]'' All I have to do is use an African warlord to lure Superman out to the desert, have mercenaries kill the warlord's forces and frame Superman for it, have Superman grow paranoid of Batman's activites, have Congress investigate it, then blow up Congress when Superman goes in to answer for it, make Batman be paranoid about Superman's powers, and have him steal a hunk of kryptonite, and kidnap Superman's mom and threaten to kill her if he doesn't go and kill Batman! ''[beat]'' And then make Doomsday as a backup plan or something. ''[beat]'' "Genius" is too small a word.
* As Superman and Batman's fight devolves into childish bickering, a hand suddenly reaches out and grab's Superman's arm:
-->'''Voice:''' ''NO!'' ''No more''. You're ''both'' making ''fools'' of yourselves.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh hey, ''I'm'' in the comic.
** Actually, it's Wonder Woman, [[DeusExMachina who literally comes in out of nowhere and orders the two to stop fighting]]:
--->'''Wonder Woman:''' But this ends now. Now is our moment. No more ''squabbles''. No more ''fights''. We ''join forces''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' Good point. ''[beat]'' Also, who are you?\\
'''Wonder Woman:''' From this ''very moment'' to the ''exact instant'' that ''each one of us dies''... ...we serve ''one purpose''... ...''one idea''... ...''one cause''... ...''justice''.\\
'''Linkara:''' And together, we can ''be'' justice! ''[cringes]'' Oh, my God, and with the crappy writing... I can totally believe she actually would say that in this.\\
'''Captions:''' And with those ''words''... ...an era ''begins''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' An era of continuity mistakes if this really takes place in the same universe as ''ASBAR'', because Wonder Woman was the one who wanted to murder Batman in that.
*** The trio confront Luthor in his office, where he reveals that an android named Brainiac is in possession of the Bottle City of Kandor; Superman leaves to intercept him, but not before giving Wonder Woman a kiss on the forehead:
---->'''Wonder Woman:''' ''[thinking]'' You ''boy''. You sweet little ''Adonis''. ''Go'' become a man. Then you come ''back'' for me.\\
'''Linkara:''' Sorry, Wondy, but given the track record of every other love interest in this book...
* The story ends on one last bit of narration:
-->'''Captions:''' He leaves ''Planet Earth'' and all it holds. His accidental ''home''...\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, not really accidental in this because it was chosen for him by Jor-El.\\
'''Captions:''' ...his ''chosen people'', his sacred trust... ...and ''still'' he climbs... ...and still he ''climbs''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' ...And then he remembers that he can't actually breathe in space even if he can breathe underwater. ''[beat]'' Whoops.\\
'''Captions:''' His ''tribe'' cries ''out'' to him. The genocidal ''Brainiac'' lies in wait. Comes his ''destiny''. And, without ''pause'', without ''fear''... ...he flies ''straight'' and ''swift'' and sure to ''meet'' that ''destiny''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, destiny had to cancel their reservation due to a family emergency.\\
'''Captions:''' This ''sole survivor''... ...this ''orphan''... ...this ''wild child''... ...this angry ''adolescent''...\\
'''Linkara:''' He's in his twenties! Shut up!\\
'''Captions:''' ...this intrepid ''reporter''... ...this streaking ''savior''...\\
'''Linkara:''' I know he just means the color streak behind him, but in a Frank Miller comic, that could also mean him naked.\\
'''Captions:''' ...this space-spanning ''seeker'' of ''truth''. This ''man''. This ''Superman''. '''The NEVER-ENDING BATTLE''' '''''BEGINS!'''''\\
'''Linkara''': [[NoEnding And ends, because... that's the end of the comic!]] ''[beat]'' That's it! He goes off to fight Brainiac... and nothing! The story just... stops! I don't know if the plan was to have more issues and, for some reason, they needed to cut it short, but the story just ends there! Hell, it's barely a story! It's like a few barely-connected instances of Clark Kent's early life!\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S08E12TheIncrediblyStrangeCreatures Crow T. Robot]]:''' We hope you've enjoyed No-Moral Theater, ladies and gentlemen!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:701: [=PATREON: Ken Penders' The Lost Ones #1=]]]
* As Linkara prepares to give a rundown of the Ken Penders drama for viewers who might be unfamiliar...
-->'''[[Film/ThePrincessBride Inigo Montoya]]:''' Let me explain. ''[beat]'' No, there is too much; let me sum up.
* Linkara reads the red text at the top of the issue's cover:
-->'''Cover:''' They're out there... hidden among us!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''VideoGame/AmongUs'' is such a great game that they were promoting it even this far back.\\
'''Cover:''' You're about to discover... ''The Ken Penders' Lost Ones''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, I know the name isn't in there like that, but that's what happens when you shove your name in the middle of the logo.
* Linkara then looks over the introductory blurb for the series:
-->'''Blurb:''' Welcome to the future...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the blurb]'' There's a complimentary fruit basket waiting for you in the future's hotel room.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where every home is jacked into the internet with hi-speed transmission, and widescreen is the accepted format for every form of digital video media.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[suddenly in a 4:3 aspect ratio]'' Pfft! Like that's ever going to happe-- ''[buffering]''\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where a flight from New York to Tokyo is just under four hours, and Boston to Los Angeles is a daily commute.\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, the former is still not a thing, but the latter...? Eh, I could see some people doing that. I wouldn't recommend it, but hey, I'm not, like, a rich businessman with a private jet or whatever.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where the beaches along the Great Lakes are far more valuable waterfront property than the ocean fronts of either coastline, by virtue of the abundance of fresh water versus the lack thereof.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean, I've been telling all my friends to move to Minnesota for years now, so this is starting to look like our old future.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where there are only two kinds of people -- those that matter -- and everyone else!\\
'''Linkara:''' And that's ''really'' the attitude of people who would have a commute from Boston to Los Angeles.\\
'''Blurb:''' Or, to put it another way, there's THE LOST ONES -- and then there's you!\\
'''Linkara:''' So... I matter?! [[BigYes YES!]] I made the cut!
** The next page features more setup:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Where do you come from? Where are you going?''\\
'''Linkara:''' The lesser-known questions asked in ''Series/BabylonFive''.\\
'''Captions:''' These are questions we all ask of ourselves at one time or another. While some can trace their family lineage back hundreds of years, there are those who literally haven't a clue who their parents are.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' That's when we call in [[Series/TheJerrySpringerShow Jerry Springer]].\\
'''Captions:''' Then there are those born to wealth and privelege...\\
'''Linkara:''' And those born to spelling errors.\\
'''Captions:''' ...their lives predetermined, while the majority struggle merely to survive another day. For a select few, born without an awareness of where they came from, but with an ability to reshape a world, they now find themselves at the most important crossroads of their lives.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Should they try to sell their world-changing product via infomercial?\\
'''Captions:''' ''This is their story...''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir ...all about how their lives got flipped, turned upside-down.]]
* The first page of the story proper features yet more blocks of exposition from the narrator, FBI Agent Julian Sikorski:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Some people think the ''past'' is whatever just took place, the ''present'' is what's happening, and the ''future'' only something to look forward to, very rarely if ever linking ''cause'' and ''effect''. I was like that ''myself''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' [[Literature/AChristmasCarol Then, I met the Ghosts of Christmas.]]
** Sikorski flashes back to July 31, 1945, where the Potsdam Conference was held to discuss the fate of post-war Germany... and where [[UsefulNotes/HarrySTruman President Truman]] authorized the use of the atomic bomb on Japan:
--->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' And with that signed order, Truman had ''determined'' the future for ''everyone'', at a cost ''beyond'' anyone's wildest imagination...\\
'''Linkara:''' What do you mean, this individual sheet of paper costs $20?!
*** We then cut to Monday, in the comic's version of the near-future:
---->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' I actually thought it began with a phone call on a routine Monday...\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''Sikorski!'' Just finishing some reports! ''[[BigWhat WHAAAAT?!!]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' "Is my refrigerator running?" The hell kind of question is that?!
* Sikorski and his partner Tocata drive to Reagan International Airport, along with a full detachment of police, to arrest a particular Japanese-American woman; Sikorski questions the amount of firepower the police are carrying just to arrest a single woman:
-->'''Tocata:''' Who ''cares''? Probably some ''techno-terrorist'' with ''classified'' information!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tocata]'' My God! She cracked the [=YouTube=] algorithm! We have to stop her!\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Unknown to me at the time, at that ''exact'' same moment, there were others ''north'' of the ''American-Canadian border'' after the same objective...\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S08E04TheDeadlyMantis Tom Servo]]:''' Canada calls to ask, "What are you guys doing up there?"
** We then cut to a ''Film/MenInBlack''-styled agent codenamed "Number Seven" also looking for the woman, relaying his progress to an outside party:
--->'''Radio:''' Is there another way she could exit without noticing?\\
'''Seven:''' ''Highly'' doubtful, sir! This is a ''hi-tech'' facility with ''state-of-the-art'' security!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Seven]'' I mean, they made her take off her shoes and everything!
* The next page formally introduces us to the target in question, Keri Kurosawa, AKA "Particle":
-->'''Captions:''' Where indeed do you begin a ''hunt'' for one of the most ''unusual'' human beings ever to walk the planet?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[shrugs]'' [[TakeThat I don't know, Twitter?]]\\
'''Captions:''' A being whose abilities not only make her ''unique'' among her own kind, but also one of the ''most dangerous'' and ''elusive'' to capture! For she wields the power to ''control'' the ''electron'', whether it operates the ''nervous system'' of an ''organic being'' or the functionality of the most ''advanced microchip''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' [[MundaneUtility Although, mostly, she uses it to skip lines in coffee shops.]]
** According to the narration, Keri just wants to live life like everyone else:
--->'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' The ''"dogs"'' are ''already'' out for me-- --but this is one ''"fox"'' who ''won't'' easily be ''caught''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, just look at those two neat little smartwatches she's got on her; she'll be fine.
* Another flashback takes us back to 1945, as the flight crew of the ''Enola Gay'' is being briefed on the properties of the atomic bomb before flying out to Hiroshima:
-->'''Air Force Presenter:''' It is the ''most'' destructive weapon ''ever'' produced! We think it will knock out ''everything'' within a three-mile radius!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the presenter]'' Though, for the love of God, can you ''please'' stop daring each other to kick it?!\\
'''Air Force Presenter:''' Now, if someone will please ''dim'' the lights...\\
'''Air Force Projectionist:''' Sorry, sir. The ''film'' is getting ''chewed up'' in the sprockets!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the presenter]'' Well, we ''were'' going to show you a comedy movie before you slaughtered thousands of people, just to lighten the mood a bit, but Gary over there keeps getting butterfingers!
* Back in the "present", Keri drives out to the border:
-->'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' My ''birth'' certificate may state I'm an ''American''-- --but driving a car with ''Canadian'' plates is still going to arouse some ''questions''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keri]'' Like "Where are my poutines and Tidbits?" Or "Why can I still go to Toys R Us?"\\
'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' Fortunately, I have an ''edge''!\\
'''Border Officer:''' Please state your ''citizenship''!\\
'''Keri:''' American.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the border officer]'' Wow, American?! Go on through!
* At FBI Headquarters, Sikorski and Tocata are debriefed about failing to locate Particle; Tocata is dismissed, but Sikorski is asked to stay:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Something ''weird'' was going on, and I could tell from ''Tocata's'' expression he felt the same thing...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' I was then recruited to be the FBI's new mascot character, "Feddy the Federal Agent".
** Actually, Sikorski is being reassigned to Buffalo, New York, for unknown reasons:
--->'''Superior:''' Apparently, a higher authority believes ''something'' in Buffalo, New York, is of sufficient ''importance'' to warrant sending an agent!\\
'''Linkara:''' Turns out her boss was just really confused about New York-style pizza.\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' As I walked out of that room, I couldn't help but wonder about the other ''poor souls'' in history who were given orders of ''dubious'' merit from their government--\\
'''Linkara:''' We then cut back to 1945 and the flight crew for the ''Enola Gay''. Oh, yeah, getting vague orders from your superiors is ''totally'' comparable to the guys who dropped an atomic bomb on people, Sikorski! Truly kindred spirits, here!
* The morning of the bombing run, the base chaplain offers a prayer to Col. Paul Tibbets before the crew fly out, but Tibbets says God won't give His blessing for what's about to happen, and that he'll worry about his conscience later:
-->'''Chaplain:''' Colonel, do you know ''why'' God created the ''Devil''?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[ComicBook/OneMoreDay Because God hates Spider-Man's marriage, too.]]\\
'''Chaplain:''' Because the ''Almighty'' knew He ''needed'' someone to do the ''dirty'' work in order to ''protect'' His ''children''!\\
'''Linkara:''' I must've missed that part of ''Ecclesiastes''...
* Sikorski arrives at the FBI Buffalo Field Office, where the Special Agent in Charge informs him that Buffalo is usually where Headquarters sends its most unwanted agents:
-->'''Sikorski:''' Really? Seems rather nice around here! Didn't their ''football team'' just win a ''Super Bowl''?\\
'''Special Agent in Charge:''' Their ''third'' in a row! The quarterback has a gun for an arm!\\
'''Linkara:''' I'd actually watch football if the players shot each other with cyborg gun arms.
* Later, Sikorski drives to Particle's house, wondering why the government is so interested in her arrest:
-->'''Sikorski:''' "I was directed to ''arrest'' her, on charges that in plain English were ''nebulous'' at best..."\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[reading a document]'' She "did a bad thing" that was "very bad" and also "might have been against the law"; also, "her face is dumb, and she won't tell us where she bought her jacket".
** Sikorski works out that if the government wants her this badly, others would be after her, too:
--->'''Sikorski:''' "And if so, what ''secrets'' would I find possibly ''unlocked'' in here?"\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' My God! She knows the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices!
*** Sikorski is then attacked by a cyborg, but Particle saves Sikorski by overloading the cyborg's circuits, the feedback powerful enough to reach the main villain, [[PunnyName Dr. Ian Droid]], last seen in ''Sonic Super Special'' #7:
---->'''Droid:''' It's fortunate I broke the link with Thirteen before the feedback hit maximum surge-- --otherwise the console wouldn't be the only piece of equipment with fried circuits!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Droid]'' In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have plugged twenty different power cables into the same outlet...
* With the danger over, Sikorski introduces himself to Keri:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''Julian Sikorski -- FBI!''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' [[ContinuityNod I heard you already met]] [[Series/TheXFiles Agents Mulder and Scully?]]
** Sikorski asks why Keri is wanted by the government, and where her "Particle" codename came from:
--->'''Keri:''' You're a ''government agent'', and you ''don't know''?\\
'''Sikorski:''' Contrary to ''popular'' belief, not all of us are in on the ''conspiracy''!\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S06E17TheSwordAndTheDragon Mike Nelson]]:''' ''[singing]'' I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works!
* After Keri explains her backstory, Sikorski lets her go:
-->'''Sikorski:''' You better get going! I have to call in the ''medics'' for our ''friend'' here!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' Not for the injuries, mind you; I can just tell that he has food poisoning.
** Before she leaves, Keri points out the other cyborg upstairs and tells Sikorski that she has never killed anyone, not even in self-defense:
--->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' I should've handed in my ''resignation'' right then and there.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' Although, no one else would've seen it, because I'm the only one in the house.\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' My assignment was to take ''Keri Kurosawa'' into custody-- --and I let her go just like that! How could I ''justify'' my actions?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[StatingTheSimpleSolution Well, you could... lie, I guess. Say you heard a noise, went in to investigate, and managed to knock out the two yourself, or found them knocked out already. And then you could keep investigating what this is all about? Just a thought, I guess.]]\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' There were too many ''questions'' and not enough ''answers''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' For example, if we're in the future, why haven't Arby's Potato Cakes been restored yet? Where's the outrage?!
*** The story ends with Sikorski realizing he never asked Keri about any leads on her family, or about the people after her:
---->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Maybe someday, I'd find out. Someday, but not today.\\
'''Linkara:''' [[CutShort I wouldn't put any bets on tomorrow, either, dude, since this never got a second issue.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:702: [=PATREON: Star Wars Infinities: A New Hope #1-4=]]]
* The series begins with a recap of the film up until the attack on the Death Star:
-->'''Linkara:''' And yet, no opening crawl?! How is this even related to the main series episodes if this doesn't have that?!\\
'''Captions:''' A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... ...A war raged between oppressed and oppressor. Between rebel and empire.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Between different trilogy fans.\\
'''Captions:''' A proud and noble tradition was passed into the charge of a new generation.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' And now you get to see them botch it.
** In the original film, Luke manages to guide his proton torpedoes into the Death Star's thermal exhaust port, causing it to explode and him to be celebrated as a hero of the Rebellion (along with Han and Chewie for their assistance):
--->'''Captions:''' A future made, event by event, link by link, a living chain of action, reaction... and change. Alter one event, and a new future comes to be.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' What if Chewie ''had'' received a medal during the ceremony?
* We then see history change, as Luke fires his torpedoes... only for the Death Star to remain intact:
-->'''Linkara:''' Honestly, it's probably better that way. I mean, it's pretty unbelievable that some farm boy who's never even flown in one of these things before and never used the Force would be able to blow up this massive planet-destroying weapon on his own; that's some MarySue bullcrap right there, if you ask me.\\
'''Wedge:''' Luke, check your tactical readouts!\\
'''Luke:''' One... One of the torpedoes detonated short of the reactor. How--?\\
'''Wedge:''' It happens, Luke. Power fields... Heat... Faulty chip...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' I knew we shouldn't have downloaded that service patch before we launched!\\
'''Wedge:''' Programming error.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Wedge]'' I saw Mon Mothma get drunk one time and try to run ''VideoGame/{{Doom}}'' on one of these torpedoes; this stuff happens in the Rebellion.
* Grand Moff Tarkin orders the recently damaged superlaser to fire on the Rebel base on Yavin IV, but while it manages to level the complex, most of the Rebel Command survive; Tarkin then demands that all power be diverted to the weapon:
-->'''Tarkin:''' And release every reserve fighter to intercept any Rebel ships that may get off that moon. I want ''Lord Vader'' to lead the operation personally.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' Where is Vader, anyway?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader, as the camera spins around rapidly]'' OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M GONNA THROW UP IN THIS THING! WHY DIDN'T I ANTICIPATE THIS IN THE DESIGN?! OH, GEEZ, [[Film/ThePhantomMenace THIS IS NOT PODRACING!]]
** After Yavin IV is destroyed, Luke goes berserk at the thought of his dead allies (even though they managed to escape the blast) and shoots any TIE Fighters he can find, only stopping upon hearing Obi-Wan's voice:
--->'''Obi-Wan's Voice:''' Don't give in to your ''anger''! ''Save'' yourself. Your ''destiny'' lies elsewhere!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Yeah, well, maybe my destiny should've done a better job at not making sucky torpedoes!
*** As Luke, Han, and Chewie jump to lightspeed, Leia is brought aboard the Death Star along with the other Rebels to meet with Tarkin and Vader:
---->'''Tarkin:''' Ah, Princess. Again we must extend our ''hospitality'' to you.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' We're sorry for the open sewage line near your room last time; we've comped it and are upgrading you to our executive detention cell, which features a kitchenette and hot tub.
* In issue 2, Luke is let aboard the ''Millennium Falcon'' so Artoo can be repaired:
-->'''Luke:''' Artoo spent a lot of time hooked into the ''Death Star'' computers. He might have something we can use.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Maybe we can blackmail the Death Star!
** Luke thinks they should try to destroy the station again, but Han replies that they had one shot, and they blew it; Luke then retorts that they should try to fight for the sake of those who died:
--->'''Han:''' And I don't want ''my'' name added to the list, ''okay''? I'm ''retired'' from the ''hero business''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, "retire", "let go because the store went out of business"; same thing, really.
*** The two come to blows, with Luke even drawing his lightsaber, but Obi-Wan's Force ghost appears to warn Luke against giving into his anger, which Han cannot see:
---->'''Obi-Wan:''' Your training is ''incomplete''. Now is when you are most ''vulnerable'' to its influence. Go to the ''Dagobah system''. Find ''Yoda'', the Jedi Master.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Obi-Wan]'' Tell him I'm sorry I never called, but I was depressed, I refused to help some escaped Jedi, gave up the fight entirely and waited to die; [[MythologyGag I'm sure you could never relate to that in your own future, though, Luke.]]
* We then cut to Coruscant, as Vader delivers Leia to the Emperor:
-->'''Imperial Officer:''' Welcome to Coruscant, ''Lord Vader''. And to your... ''guest''.\\
'''Leia:''' Go to ''blazes''!\\
'''Vader:''' Your sense of ''protocol'' leaves something to be desired, ''Princess''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' Just because we blew up your homeworld and crushed your efforts to stop our evil empire doesn't mean you can be rude. And honestly, using language like "blazes"? Why, if I knew your father, I'd bet he'd wash your mouth out with soap... or whatever the hell we call "soap"; probably "cleaning bricks" or something.\\
'''Vader:''' With the Rebellion vanquished, the Emperor's mood is one of ''magnanimity''.\\
'''Leia:''' I can't imagine a more ''sickening'' display of ''hypocrisy''. Though what the Empire has done to Coruscant comes close.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Hanging the flag and symbol on ''every'' building? Come on, Vader; even you have to admit that's pretty tacky!\\
'''Leia:''' Such a vulgar display of ''oppression'' and ''corruption'' suits the Emperor well.\\
'''Vader:''' I'm certain the Emperor will be interested to hear your views, Princess.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' He's actually just instituted an open-door policy for anyone who has complaints and suggestions; it's been going very well.
** Leia is then brought before Palpatine:
--->'''Palpatine:''' Ah, Alderaan... A ''lovely'' world... ''in its day''.\\
'''Leia:''' Not so lovely that you didn't hesitate for a second to order its destruction and the murder of its people.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Okay, to be fair, that was Tarkin. My idea was to blow up, like... [[Film/TheForceAwakens Jakku]] or something; [[TakeThat no one ever wants to go back there]].\\
'''Palpatine:''' But then, my ''vision'' is not clouded by ''sentim nt''. All is as I have ''foerseen'' it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[MediumAwareness Even those weird typos you just made?]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' ''Especially'' the typos.
*** Palpatine then orders Leia to be taken to "obedience training", sensing her power in the Force; Vader senses a disturbance in the Force, but Palpatine isn't too worried:
---->'''Palpatine:''' The greatest ''triumph'' is yet to come. ...A triumph as inevitable as ''destiny''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yes, this is definitely how things were supposed to go; [[TemptingFate I can't imagine this story going any other way than how it did.]]
* Meanwhile, the ''Falcon'' arrives at Dagobah; after landing, Luke, Han, Chewie, and a repaired Artoo begin their search for Yoda:
-->'''Han:''' How do you expect to find a ''Jedi Master'' in this mess? Are we looking for the special ''Jedi Master swamp''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Well, Ben did tell me about Jedi Master Franchise/{{Shrek}}, who also lived in a swamp...\\
'''Luke:''' Don't ask me how I know, but I ''know'' we'll find him -- or he'll find ''us''.\\
'''Han:''' Why would I doubt someone who talks to ''thin air''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Dammit, Han, why do we always fight on vacations?!
** Suddenly, Yoda appears in front of them:
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Looking'' for someone, are you? ''Lost'' you appear to be?\\
'''Luke:''' We're not lost.\\
'''Han:''' We're ''not''?\\
'''Luke:''' Look, little fella, we're a little ''busy''--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Help you, I can! But only if you have breadsticks and pen lights.\\
'''Yoda:''' A strange tribe of creatures you are. Is this your ''chief''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Artwo]'' Yes! I, R2-D2, am the one in charge; I'm also the most handsome.\\
'''Yoda:''' Come! Help you find your way I will!\\
'''Luke:''' Look, we don't--\\
'''Han:''' --know where we are. ''He does.''\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, I know where you are: up crap creek without a paddle!
* Yoda brings the group into his hut for food, but Luke grows impatient:
-->'''Luke:''' We're wasting our time here! He doesn't know ''anything''!\\
'''Han:''' He's ''playing'' you, pal. Don't you get it, Luke? ''This'' guy's Yoda!\\
'''Luke:''' ''What?'' I-- ''[bonks his head on the ceiling]'' ''<urgh>'' How can you know--\\
'''Han:''' ''Takes'' a con man to ''know'' one.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Also, because I swiped his wallet when he wasn't looking.\\
'''Obi-Wan's Voice:''' Calm yourself, Luke. Listen carefully to Yoda.\\
'''Luke:''' ''Ben!'' Ben, tell him I--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Oh yeah, kid, I'm pretty sure Yoda laced the soup or something, 'cause I'm hearing voices now, too.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Tricked Dagobah's Congress to legalize it, I did!
** Yoda explains to Luke that he has already taken steps on the path to the dark side, and if he doesn't complete his training, he will become a "servant of evil":
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Train'' you I will. Train you I ''must''.\\
'''Luke:''' I won't fail you.\\
'''Yoda:''' On this the future depends.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' In retrospect, aided other Jedi who escaped [[Film/RevengeOfTheSith Order 66]] I could have, to avoid you being our only hope. ''[beat]'' Kind of an idiot, I am.
* Back on Coruscant, Vader visits Leia's apartment to give her Obi-Wan's lightsaber:
-->'''Vader:''' Can you ''feel'' it? Not like some cold blaster, but a ''living thing''. An extension of the ''spirit''. A servant of the ''will''.\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S06E20DangerDeathRay Mike Nelson]]:''' [[FreudWasRight Sure it's phallic; why wouldn't it be?]]
** Leia activates the saber and attacks Vader, who encourages her to give in to her rage; after she fails to do any damage, Vader Force pulls the lightsaber away from her:
--->'''Vader:''' You ''felt it'', didn't you? Like a hidden ''voice'', breathing ''strength'' into your spirit...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Actually, it was more like a creepy mouth-breather, to be honest...\\
'''Vader:''' You have no ''idea'' what you can yet become, Leia. The door opens.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And to quote a great Jedi, "The door's open! Let's go!"
* As Luke begins his training, Han and Chewie perform maintenance on the ''Falcon'' over two months; Han offers Luke a chance to join him, and Luke does consider whether he can do more good off-planet, but Yoda and Obi-Wan's ghost discourage him:
-->'''Obi-Wan:''' You are at the same crossroad that ''Vader'' reached. Choose as ''he'' did, and ''his'' fate will be ''yours''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Obi-Wan]'' Vader, too, preferred to hang out with his smuggler best buddy and run around with him instead of training. Plus, he had [[Characters/StarWarsAhsokaTano an apprentice I've never mentioned before]]; I wonder what she's up to these days?
* Returning to Coruscant, Vader visits Leia again, along with Threepio:
-->'''Threepio:''' Good ''afternoon'', Lord Vader! May I just say that--\\
'''Vader:''' Leave us.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' You're not my maker! You can't say that!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' But you're wrong, Threepio; ''[[LukeIAmYourFather I]]'' [[LukeIAmYourFather am your maker.]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' Oh dear! That's... That's not true! That's impossible!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' Search your circuits; you know it to be true.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' [[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]\\
'''Vader:''' Now is the time that an empire formed in the crucible of battle must forge a future in which war is but a fading memory.\\
'''Linkara:''' Who exactly are you at war with if the Rebellion is gone?\\
'''Vader:''' The Emperor is ''dying'', Leia.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And fortunately, he doesn't have, like, [[Film/TheRiseOfSkywalker a secret granddaughter or a crapton of clones that his soul jumps into or something]].
* The third issue jumps five years later as Han and Chewie are in a bar watching a news report detailing the anniversary of the Rebellion's defeat; they learn that the Emperor has allowed the formation of a new Imperial Senate, and, to their shock, the representative for Coruscant is... Princess Leia:
-->'''Leia:''' As you all know, I once led an ill-conceived, violent insurrection against the Empire, a rebellion that cost the lives of many beings.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[Film/RogueOne Especially the lives of Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor, who stole the Death Star plans.]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as an offscreen listener]'' [[VideoGame/DarkForces What about Kyle Katarn?]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[DiscontinuityNod Who?]]\\
'''Leia:''' The war is over, but its wounds are still fresh. Now, the Empire's commitment must be to ''healing'' as greatly as it was to restoring ''order''. The restoring of the Senate is the ultimate expression of the Empire's desire to bind the wounds of war.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Plus, we've still got that big-ass Senate chamber with the floating disks, and we really don't know what else to do with it; we were storing old arcade cabinets there.
* On Dagobah, Luke nears the end of his Jedi training, with Yoda commending him on learning patience and quieting the anger in his spirit:
-->'''Luke:''' But I am ''troubled'', Master. The ''visions'' have returned. Stronger than before.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' What is this... [[WesternAnimation/StarWarsDetours "Detours"]] that I dream of?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' [[TakeThat The domain of evil, it is.]]
** For his final test, Yoda sends Luke into the Cave of Evil once again, this time with Luke heeding his advice and handing over his lightsaber:
--->'''Yoda:''' ...A lightsaber is not your only weapon. Leave them ''all'' behind. On this ''everything'' depends...\\
'''Linkara:''' Turns out this whole thing has been a long con, and Yoda wants him to die in the cave so he can finally join the Sith.
*** As Luke finally manages to dispel the vision of Vader nonviolently, Han barges in:
---->'''Han:''' Excuse me, sir... ...but have you seen a punk kid by the name of ''Skywalker''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Oh no! ''Han'' is my true enemy according to the cave! Where's my lightsaber?!
* Later that evening, Han informs Luke that Leia is alive and under the thrall of the Empire; Luke immediately suggests going to Coruscant to rescue her:
-->'''Han:''' Look, I'm as concerned about Leia as the next guy...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Those two hours I spent with her five years ago really meant a lot to me.\\
'''Han:''' ...but waltzing into the ''Imperial throneworld'' seems like a ''really bad idea''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' And I once tried to pretend that a rock was a thermal detonator, so I know bad ideas!
** Yoda then reveals to Luke that Vader is his father; he admits that he kept this information from him because the truth would have increased his impatience and anger, and there is still anger within him:
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Fear'' was your father's path to the ''dark side''. Unconquered, your anger to the same ''destiny'' will take you.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Well, at least I'll get a cool helmet out of it.\\
'''Yoda:''' ''All'' depends on you, Luke. You are the last of the ''Jedi Knights'', the only hope to overcome the tyranny of the Empire... ...and the evil of the Sith.\\
'''Linkara:''' Given what's going to happen later in the comic, that is a ''massive'' lie, Yoda!
*** Yoda then admits that Leia is his sister, Obi-Wan's ghost appearing to explain that they kept it secret from him to avoid the Empire ever finding out. However, they also suspect that Palpatine knew all along about Leia's connection to Vader; since Vader is incapable of succeeding him, he would accept either Vader's son or daughter as potential heirs:
---->'''Luke:''' I... I don't know what to do, Ben.\\
'''Obi-Wan:''' Let the Force speak to you, Luke. It will provide you with a path.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke, "reaching out to the Force"]'' The Force keeps telling me... I need to recruit... [[Film/TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial Bea Arthur from a bar on Tatooine]]?
* Luke and Yoda reunite with Han, who offers to take Luke to Coruscant, against his better judgment; however, Yoda declares that he'll tag along with them:
-->'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Bingo night it is at the Mos Eisley Community Center, and another commitment my ride has.
* We cut back to Coruscant, where we learn that the Death Star has been rechristened the "Justice Star":
-->'''Linkara:''' Which is, like, one step from calling it the "Peace Moon" like in ''Webcomic/DarthsAndDroids''.
** After Leia and Threepio leave Vader, Palpatine arrives and talks to him, saying he's pleased with how powerful she's becoming:
--->'''Palpatine:''' You, however, seem ''conflicted'', apprentice.\\
'''Vader:''' I sense... a ''disturbance'' in the Force, my master.\\
'''Palpatine:''' What you sense is the ''destiny'' I have put in motion. The ''extinguishing'' of the Jedi flame.\\
'''Linkara:''' I don't know, man; "disturbance" in the big energy field surrounding everything is usually not code for "everything's going to plan".
* The final issue begins with the ''Falcon'' dropping out of hyperspace upon reaching Coruscant... right in the middle of a massive Imperial fleet; understandably, Han doesn't have much confidence:
-->'''Han:''' Look, I know the ''Force'' is with you guys, but... are you sure the Force is ''really'' with you?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Eh, the Force is kind of playing it by ear, seeing which way the wind blows.
** After the ''Falcon'' lands aboard the Justice Star, Yoda and Artoo brazenly walk out to meet the squad of stormtroopers waiting for them:
--->'''Yoda:''' Pleased I am to see you. For meeting us, I thank you. ''Expects'' us does Admiral Tarkin.\\
'''Stormtrooper:''' ''Expects'' them does Admiral Tarkin.\\
'''Yoda:''' Important business we have.\\
'''Stormtrooper:''' Important business they have.\\
'''Linkara:''' You think Vader ever does this? Like, he gets bored and just makes the stormtroopers do goofy things and repeat what he's saying in silly voices?
*** Thanks to Yoda, Han, Chewie, and Luke are in the clear:
---->'''Han:''' Boy, I could get ''used'' to this Force stuff! Say, I know a nice ''casino'' on Nar Shaddaa...\\
'''Linkara:''' Cheating in gambling: this ''is'' how the Force works!
* As the others land on Coruscant, Yoda arrives at Tarkin's quarters:
-->'''Tarkin:''' How ''dare'' you enter my quarters without-- --''<urgh>''...\\
'''Yoda:''' A long time it has been. Much ''younger'' were we in the days of the Republic, hm? ''Important'' you have become. Sufficient payment for your ''soul'', I would hope.\\
'''Tarkin:''' ''hrnn.''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' I would attempt to justify myself, Master Yoda... but it seems my slippers are a bit tight...!\\
'''Yoda:''' A ''tour'' of your vessel I desire. A demonstration of its ''power'' I would see.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' You... didn't have to do this, you know... There's an official tourism section next to the gift shop!
* After fighting off members of the Emperor's Royal Guard, Han and Luke find Threepio and follow him to Leia... where she waits for them alongside Vader and Palpatine:
-->'''Palpatine:''' Greetings, young ''Skywalker''. I have waited a long time to meet you. How fitting that you came before us as a ''Jedi''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' I was kind of expecting to fight a moisture farmer; this works a lot better.\\
'''Palpatine:''' ''Destiny'' has brought you to this moment, Jedi. A destiny I have crafted over many years.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yes, it was totally my plan to have Vader's kids show up even though I didn't know they were even alive. Look at me; master strategist here! [[RunningGag I'm a magnificent bastard,]] ''[[RunningGag and you read my book!]]''
* While Luke and Leia duel, Yoda uses the Justice Star's superlaser to take out the Imperial fleet:
-->'''Yoda:''' A most impressive toy, Admiral. Intended for this use it was not, hmm?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Wars not make one great, BUT FUN SURE AS HELL THEY ARE!!
* Luke and Leia's duel ends with Luke managing to break through to Leia; together, the two Skywalkers face down the Emperor:
-->'''Luke:''' Leia is a ''Skywalker''... Like our ''father''... Like the noble line of Jedi stretching over a thousand generations.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Jedi like... ''[uncomfortable pause]'' uh... ''[another uncomfortable pause]'' Wow, I just realized that in five years, Yoda never actually told me about any of the other Jedi.
* Palpatine inflicts Force lightning on the two, but Vader gets in the way, allowing them to escape; naturally, he is quickly overpowered by the Emperor:
-->'''Palpatine:''' You ''fool''... Did you really think this would ''change'' anything?\\
'''Yoda:''' ''[over the screen]'' ''Life'' is change... Your ''Excellency''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' For instance, [[BringMyBrownPants change to your brown pants you should]].\\
'''Palpatine:''' ''Yoda!'' Well, you've had a ''busy day''. Don't think your little ''mission'' will deter me or this empire. Your pitiful powers are ''nothing'' compared to the ''dark side''.\\
'''Yoda:''' ''[over the screen]'' Save your ''fleet'' the dark side did ''not''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yeah, well... Like, I-I'll just have a secret Sith army building a fleet of Death Stars on Exegol! ''[beat]'' Yeah, beat that.
** And then there's Linkara's reaction to what comes next:
---> '''Palpatine:''' By now, the Death Star's weapon systems have been disabled by my troops. It's only a matter of time before you and your young charges are in my custody. Why delay the inevitable? [[BringIt Come down here and]] ''[[BringIt face me]]''[[BringIt , Jedi!]]\\
'''Yoda:''' [[PreMortemOneLiner Coming to see you I am.]] ''[[PreMortemOneLiner Now.]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' And, yep! As our heroes escape on the ''Millennium Falcon''... '''''[[ColonyDrop YODA BRINGS THE DEATH STAR CRASHING DOWN INTO CORUSCANT,]] [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill RIGHT ON TOP OF THE EMPEROR!!!]]''''' ''[grins, then inhales sharply and claps his hands together]'' WELP... ''[[RapidFireComedy HERE WE GO!!]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, size matters not, according to Yoda, unless he wants to drop the Death Star right on Palpatine's face!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Remember how Senate disks you threw at me? This time, something bigger have I to throw.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey Vader, remember when you said not to be impressed by the Death Star compared to the Force? Think you may need to make some re-evaluations.\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, I guess it did live up to the name "Justice Star", given Palpatine's own body count.\\
'''Linkara:''' Not sure I like the Jedi version of billiards...\\
'''Linkara:''' Sooo, everyone on Coruscant is dead, right? Even if it didn't explode right after the collision (which it did), the gravitational forces would've ripped Coruscant to shreds when it's that close, right?\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey Yoda, what was that about the Jedi never using their abilities to attack?\\
'''Linkara:''' This wasn't even Yoda's original plan; he just got drunk on Tarkin's whiskey and had to improvise!\\
'''Linkara:''' I kinda just want it to start rolling around the planet; just, like, add insult to injury.\\
'''Linkara:''' Gotta imagine this was in the Death Star plans; in the event of the weapon being disabled, just set a collision course and watch the fun.\\
'''Linkara:''' So, did Yoda explain to Luke and Han this plan? Like, did he directly tell them, "Take over the Death Star myself I will, and then play 'bowling at Palpatine'!"?\\
'''Linkara:''' You think this ever happened in the last five years? Like, the guy driving the Death Star got distracted and accidentally slammed it right into Naboo?\\
'''Linkara:''' The weird thing is that the insurance actually covers this.\\
'''Linkara:''' Welp, I see we have our explanation for why, in ''The Force Awakens'', Coruscant isn't the capital world anymore!\\
'''Linkara:''' And finally...\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey-hey, I think this is how ''WebVideo/ToBoldlyFlee'' ended, too! Haha... ''[beat]'' Oh, my God, that was ten years ago... ''[the music cuts out as Linkara stares in horror]''
*** Han has only this to say when staring back at the carnage:
---->'''Han:''' Man, that's some light show...\\
'''[[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Wakka]]:''' Boom! Hahaha! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?\\
'''Luke:''' The Force will be with you, Master... always.\\
'''Linkara:''' ALTHOUGH, APPARENTLY, NOT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DOWN THERE!
* A few years later, as Leia becomes the Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic on Naboo, Threepio bemoans that Artoo can't be here to witness this event... until Artoo shows up in a new body, with Han explaining that his memories were copied onto the ''Falcon''[='s=] computer before going with Yoda:
-->'''Linkara:''' Betting that a lot of people that day wish they had that option...
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Linkara:''' [[Memes/RevengeOfTheSith Have I ever told you the Tragedy of Darth Sidious the Squished?]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:703: [=PATREON: Transformers: Deviations #1=]]]
* Linkara brings up why ''WesternAnimation/TheTransformersTheMovie'' is so infamous among ''Transformers'' fans -- [[MerchandiseDriven to make way for a new line of toys]], [[CharactersDroppingLikeFlies a number of fan-favorite characters were mercilessly and brutally killed off]]... including Optimus Prime, traumatizing legions of children across the globe:
-->'''Linkara:''' BUT DON'T THINK THAT HURTING ROBOTS CAN'T AFFECT YOU WELL INTO ADULTHOOD! ''[holds up a figure of [[Film/ShortCircuit Johnny 5]]]'' I'VE BEEN 3D-PRINTING THIS JOHNNY 5 TOY, AND I KEEP HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN ''SHORT CIRCUIT 2''! WHY DIDN'T LOS LOCOS COME AND HELP HIM, DAMMIT?! WHY WON'T SOMEONE HELP HIM?! ''[grabs the camera and shakes it]'' ''SOMEONE ANSWER ME! ANS''-- ''[cuts to a "WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties" card, then returns to Linkara using a [[Franchise/{{Whoniverse}} sonic screwdriver]] on robot parts]'' Must keep building robots... Must help Johnny 5... I-- ''[snaps out of it]'' Uh, w-what I mean to say is that, uh, yeah, we joke about it nowadays, but killing off Optimus Prime was a big fricking deal.
* The issue begins with a recap of the events of the film, featuring panels from the comic adaptation created for the film's 20th anniversary:
-->'''Blurb:''' WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...\\
'''[[Film/{{Clue}} Title Card]]:''' But here's what really happened.\\
'''Blurb:''' In the future of 2005, Megatron's Decepticons launch an all-out attack on Autobot City on Earth...\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I remember that; ended up delaying the release of ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith'' by a few days.\\
'''Blurb:''' Hot Rod's distraction creates the opportunity for Megatron... who kills Optimus Prime.\\
'''[[Series/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy1981 Narrator]]:''' This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.\\
'''Blurb:''' But Megatron himself is left for dead in space, where he meets the planet-eater called Unicron.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the blurb]'' It turned out to be a very fun [[MeetCute meet-cute]].\\
'''Blurb:''' As Unicron moves on Cybertron, Hot Rod uses the Autobot Matrix of Leadership...\\
'''Linkara:''' And... nothing, I guess; I suppose if you weren't familiar with the story, then you're just supposed to infer something good happened. Then again, why would you be picking this up if you weren't already familiar with this story?\\
'''Blurb:''' Today, we will explore a world where things happened differently. In a world... where Optimus Prime never died!\\
'''[[Film/{{Clue}} Title Card]]:''' That's how it could have happened. But how about this?
* The story proper starts during the attack on Autobot City at the beginning of the film, as Optimus runs down a horde of Decepticons:
-->'''Captions:''' There's a theory of quantum realities, a concept of infinite possibility where anything that ''can'' happen, ''does'' happen somewhere in the multiverse.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Like, what if yarn was pudding?\\
'''Captions:''' A single decision can change the fate of the universe. A simple turn to the left can avert catastrophe while a right turn can trigger an apocalypse.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey, I know what you're alluding to, but ''Doctor Who''[='s=] 60th anniversary is ''next'' year; we'll save the references for that.\\
'''Captions:''' In this world, in this moment, a tragedy of galactic proportions is about to unfurl.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Instead of "The Touch" playing, it's the Music/{{Divinyls}}' "I Touch Myself".
** Eventually, Optimus makes his way to Megatron:
--->'''Optimus:''' One shall stand, one shall fall.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean... they actually both ended up falling; just saying.\\
'''Megatron:''' Why throw away your life so recklessly?\\
'''Optimus:''' That's a question you should ask yourself, ''Megatron''.\\
'''Linkara:''' The more badass way of saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
* In the original film, Optimus manages to beat Megatron, causing the villain to beg for mercy as he tries to reach a gun in the rubble; thanks to Hot Rod's interruption, Megatron grabs him as a shield, allowing him to inflict Optimus' infamous mortal wound. This time, however, Kup grabs Hot Rod, allowing Megatron to reach the gun and shoot at Optimus... but he misses, and Optimus wastes no time [[BoomHeadshot blasting his arch-nemesis' head off]]:
-->'''Captions:''' And with that, this quantum reality spirals in a new, unforeseen direction.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, especially since Megatron can't see anything anymore.\\
'''Optimus:''' 'Til all are one...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Or until all the Decepticons get their heads shot off; either way, really.\\
'''Linkara:''' This is a weird way of incorporating ''[[Anime/TransformersHeadmasters Headmasters]]'' into this book...
** With Megatron's demise, the tide of the battle turns in favor of the Autobots, forcing the Decepticons to retreat, but not before Starscream grabs Megatron's fusion cannon:
--->'''Starscream:''' ''Astrotrain!'' Prepare to launch once all are aboard!\\
'''Soundwave:''' WHERE'S MEGATRON?\\
'''Starscream:''' Megatron has ''fallen''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Starscream]'' And, well, you know how this song goes!\\
'''Starscream:''' ''[showing the fusion cannon]'' I suppose ''this'' is all the proof I need? In the meantime... I nominate myself as the ''new leader'' of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.\\
'''Linkara:''' ...And apparently, no such challenge happens as Astrotrain takes off. I'm not sure why it'd make a difference. Starscream admitted Optimus killed him and he nominated himself as leader in the movie, too; it just happened a little later. Is everyone just really tired and doesn't feel like doing it, whereas they were a bit more rested in the movie? And I sincerely doubt that's the case, because, of course, my man Soundwave doesn't get tired.\\
'''[[WesternAnimation/TheTransformers Soundwave]]:''' SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR.
* In the meantime, the Autobots gather their dead and begin to clean up Autobot City:
-->'''Optimus:''' We've earned a brief respite from the turmoil. Yet, this victory means little in the scope of the ''unfathomable loss'' before us. The price for peace has become too high. The time has come to end the ''Cybertronian Wars'' once and for all.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' As such, we surrender.
** Hot Rod and Ultra Magnus begin to argue about the battle, but Optimus breaks it up:
--->'''Optimus:''' Take a good look at your fallen brothers. They made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could one day reclaim Cybertron. Chirping at each other like malfunctioning scrap droids is no way to honor their memory.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Let's get them [[PaletteSwap repainted and redecoed under new names for re-release]]... as Primus dictates.
*** Hot Rod offers a few parting words for his fallen comrades:
---->'''Hot Rod:''' They've found an eternal resting place within the Matrix of Leadership. Their heroism will echo through space and time... 'Til all are one.\\
'''Linkara:''' ...And Kup hits him over that remark.\\
'''Kup:''' It's not wise to speak of the Matrix in blasphemous tones.\\
'''Linkara:''' The hell was so blasphemous about what he said? Or did he say it really sarcastically, and it's like, "Oooh, their heroism will echo through space and time~! Look at the cool Matrix of Leadership~!"?
* We cut to Cybertron as Starscream goes through with the coronation ceremony... which is interrupted by Unicron's arrival:
-->'''Soundwave:''' AS OUR NEW LEADER YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE FOR CYBERTRON ON ALL MATTERS EXTRATERRESTRIAL.\\
'''Starscream:''' But--\\
'''Soundwave:''' THE RULES ARE EXPLICIT.\\
'''Linkara:''' I am 99% certain Soundwave made that up to just force him to do it; Megatron would've just done it because he's the "hands-on" type for these sort of situations.\\
'''Starscream:''' Uncharismatic bore... Transforms into a cassette player. What's his value anyway?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[[[TranquilFury gives an extremely angry face while holding a Soundwave toy]]]''\\
'''Soundwave:''' ALL TALK, NO SHOCK.
** Starscream meets with Unicron, who tells him to serve or die:
--->'''Unicron:''' You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing... the ''only'' thing... that can stand in my way.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Unicron]'' It's a good thing I'm telling you this, Starscream; you seem to be someone loyal and trustworthy enough to have this information.
*** Starscream agrees, and asks Unicron to grant him one request in return:
---->'''Starscream:''' Unicron, your power appears limitless. To defeat Optimus Prime and his forces, I need to be reformatted into a stronger Decepticon.\\
'''Linkara:''' Making a lot of assumptions there, Starscream; all you know about him so far is that he's really big and voiced by Creator/OrsonWelles. ''[beat]'' Or could Orson Welles always do that, and that's where the assumption comes from?
* Back aboard the shuttle to Moonbase-Two, Hot Rod and Daniel have a converasation, with Hot Rod feeling sad because he wanted to help Optimus, but feels like every decision he's made is the wrong one; Daniel tries to comfort Hot Rod by proclaiming he's his best friend:
-->'''Hot Rod:''' Thanks, Daniel -- that means a lot to me. May I ask you a question?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' Do you ever feel... you know, not so fresh?\\
'''Hot Rod:''' Humans often have images flood into their heads at random times, correct?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Daniel]'' Yeah, but Dad tells me to ignore the ones that say I should put magnets on you guys.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' I keep having daydreams of Optimus dying. Whenever I get close to him, the images get stronger. Like the Matrix is trying to tell me something.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' Like it's trying to contrive the actual movie into this what-if tale for no good reason, when the entire idea is to explore how things would go if it hadn't happened.
** Magnus then comes over to chew out Hot Rod for no good reason:
--->'''Magnus:''' Maybe the Matrix is trying to point out traitors in our midst?\\
'''Linkara:''' Ultra M-Asshole.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' "Traitor"? How dare you accuse me--\\
'''Magnus:''' Sitting around fantasizing about the death of our leader is mutinous!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Magnus]'' Time for me to police thoughtcrimes; I'm glad the Autobots are the good guys.
* Suddenly, the shuttles are attacked by an upgraded Starscream:
-->'''Megascream:''' I, ''Megascream'', will shred every Autobot until your stain is wiped clean from the universe!\\
'''Linkara:''' So if Creator/LeonardNimoy had voiced Galvatron in the original movie, who voices Megascream here? Creator/GeorgeTakei?
** As Megascream prepares to fire on Optimus' shuttle, Soundwave informs him that Unicron is devouring one of Cybertron's moons:
--->'''Megascream:''' ''No!'' Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Megascream]'' I was going to eat that!
* As the Decepticons head back to base, Optimus discovers that Moonbase-One has been destroyed:
-->'''Kup:''' Reminds me of the battle on Betamax-Nine when the ''Veechezez'' used the dirty tactic of detonating a moon to cover their escape.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Huh, I suddenly feel irrationally angry for no reason...
** Thanks to Hot Rod's stunt during the attack, Magnus' shuttle has been pushed into the next quadrant, which contains nothing of interest except magnetic storms and the trash planet Junkion:
--->'''Grimlock:''' Me Grimlock say we find our friends and then bash Decepticons into their turbo chargers.\\
'''Optimus:''' For once, I can't argue with your logic.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' [[MythologyGag Perhaps you should be leader of the Autobots, Grimlock; you seem to have good ideas.]]
*** Their own shuttle's navigation system has taken some hits during the battle, however, so they decide to touch down on a nearby planetoid for repairs:
---->'''Optimus:''' There's something... ''familiar'' about that place.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Oh, Primus; I think that's the place where I took that vacation, and might have married, like, two different people in the same weekend...\\
'''Optimus:''' What a strange world. I've seen many planets in my travels, but nothing so twisted and foreboding.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yes, nothing says "twisted and foreboding" quite like... green rocks and orange water. ''[beat]'' Optimus, maybe you haven't seen quite as much as you think you have?
* As it turns out, the planet Optimus' team has landed on is the one in the movie where the Quintessons and the Sharkticons were found; as in the movie, as the Sharkticons approach, Kup tries to communicate with them using the universal greeting:
-->'''Kup:''' Bah-weep-Graaaagnah-wheep-ni-ni-bong.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in their language, that means, "Eat me; I'm a [[WesternAnimation/ChallengeOfTheGoBots GoBot]]."
* Back on Cybertron, Megascream demands Unicron explain why he's attacking them, since this wasn't part of the deal:
-->'''Unicron:''' I have grown tired of your whining. For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet of Cybertron. But now... you shall witness its dismemberment!\\
'''Linkara:''' Wow, Starscream; you managed to piss him off so much that he's not even bothering to torture you into obeying, and then sending you back out to get the Matrix like he did Galvatron. What the hell were you telling him when he was giving you a new body? ''[beat]'' Wait... Were you complaining about Soundwave? Is Unicron as big a Soundwave fan as I am?
* We then cut back to Hot Rod and Daniel after their shuttle is destroyed, along with everyone else on it; Hot Rod is naturally despondent about his role in his fellow Autobots' deaths, but Daniel reminds him of what he said earlier about their heroism echoing within the Matrix:
-->'''Daniel:''' Then their sacrifice ''means'' something. I don't know why yet, but there's a reason Ultra Magnus wanted you to survive.\\
'''Linkara:''' Ehh, it was less Hot Rod that he wanted to survive and more you, Daniel. Though, at this rate, I wouldn't put your chances for living through the rest of this much higher.
** They soon spot the other shuttle approaching:
--->'''Hot Rod:''' Optimus.\\
'''Daniel:''' They've come to rescue us!\\
'''Hot Rod:''' Yeah...\\
'''[[VideoGame/ResidentEvil1 Enrico Marini]]:''' Yeah.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' ...Somehow, I don't feel like I deserve to leave this graveyard of garbage.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' At least, not until the [[Music/WeirdAlYankovic "Weird Al"]] song starts playing. "Hardware Store", maybe?
*** The Autobots reunite, but Hot Rod still feels guilty about his compatriots' deaths:
---->'''Optimus:''' The ways of the Matrix are mysterious. I mourn the loss of my friends, but this war needs to end, and we cannot fall victim to sorrow, no matter how natural it comes to us.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Gotta be honest, as soon as this is over, we're going to just start blubbering like a baby over Ironhide and the others; today kinda sucks.
* Optimus goes alone to Cybertron to confront Unicron, only to be met by Megascream, who combines with the other Decepticons into a larger form:
-->'''Linkara:''' It really does say something that every time Starscream gets some source of major power, he grows bigger, like [[CompensatingForSomething he eternally needs to compensate for his tiny null ray]].
** Fortunately, Hot Rod appears in the nick of time to get Optimus to safety, sacrificing himself by unleashing the power of the Matrix on Megascream, the other Decepticons, and Unicron; Optimus honors his deeds in a speech:
--->'''Optimus:''' Let this mark the end of the ''Cybertronian Wars'' as we march forth to a new age of peace and prosperity. And let us never forget the tremendous sacrifice of ''Hot Rod'' and the wisdom within the ''Matrix''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Screw Ultra Magnus, though; he was kind of a dick.\\
'''Optimus:''' Remember our comrades and honor them in the years to come as our ''darkest hour'' has become a ''sliver'' of ''history''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' [[TemptingFate It's a good thing there won't be anything waiting for us in the years to come, like Headmasters, or a hate plague, or Starscream's ghost, or the Quintessons, or the guy who created Unicron unleashing anything else on us.]] ''[beat]'' Just a sliver of history.
*** Optimus looks up to see visions of Alpha Trion and Rodimus Prime:
---->'''Linkara:''' Oh hey, they became Force ghosts, too, [[ContinuityNod just like in the last comic]].
* The issue ends with some final bits of narration:
-->'''Captions:''' In the realm of quantum realities, any number of deviations can occur. A single decision can change the fate of the universe.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean... things were largely unchanged, frankly; sure, who died and who lived is different, but Unicron still got blowed up and the Decepticons are scattered to the wind just like in the original movie.\\
'''Captions:''' Heroes die, enemies are born, faith expands, old hatreds last forever... ...and the ultimate reward of eternal peace is bestowed upon those willing to ''stand against'' the ''forces'' of ''darkness''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Pretty sure ''all'' the Autobots were doing that, but a bunch of them just died.
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Starscream:''' In the meantime... I nominate myself as the ''new leader'' of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.\\
'''[[Anime/TransformersHeadmasters Sixshot]]:''' I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:704: [=PATREON: Legion of Super-Heroes Vol. 4 #0 and Legionnaires #0=]]]
* ''Legion of Super-Heroes'' #0 begins with three siblings -- Garth, Mekt, and Ayla Ranzz -- flying through space on a joyride:
-->'''Garth:''' ''Awright!'' Pour it on, bro'! ''Yah-hoo!''\\
'''Mekt:''' Taught ''that'' comet a thing or two about speed, didn't we?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mekt]'' Pretty sure that comet [[FlippingTheBird gave us the finger]] as we passed it, too...\\
'''Mekt:''' Nothing like ''cutting loose'' and being ''free''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mekt]'' Free to show those stupid comets who's ''really'' the fastest! I have sensible life goals!
** This is actually part of a memory dream for Garth reminding him of how he got his lightning powers three years ago, and he wakes in his bed with a start:
--->'''Garth:''' ''[thinking]'' Oh, ''man''... ''Three years'', and ''still'' it keeps knocking at my ''dreams''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Garth]'' [[Main/NotWearingPantsDream At least this time, we all had clothes on...]]
* Meanwhile, some reporters try to interview Rokk Krinn, champion of the Magnoball Cosmic Games, in a spaceport:
-->'''Reporter:''' The ''Internet'' has nicknamed you "Cosmic Boy"!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the reporter]'' Which I am now being told is the 30th century equivalent of being called a "woke SJW cuck soy boy", as well as several slurs.
** One reporter asks Rokk about a supposed debt he has, and another asks for a demonstration of his Braalian magnetic powers... so Rokk complies by lifting the reporter into the air by his belt:
--->'''Linkara:''' [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome And now the debt includes money from the resulting lawsuit!]]
*** Rokk looks at his shuttle's itinerary and notices that one of its stops is the moon Titan, which is surprising considering Braal and Titan's rocky relationship; he chalks it up to the new United Planets group having a positive effect on galactic unity:
---->'''Linkara:''' Whereas I see it as, "Yeah, it's the cheapest route, and I'm sure they'll only shoot off a few bits of the ship as we head down."
* On Titan, a girl named Imra Ardeen, an interrogator for a law enforcement agency, uses her telepathy to investigate a few suspects regarding the theft of some jewels; Imra lets them go... but finds out the owner of the jewels planned to sell them on the black market to a known criminal, and has her arrested:
-->'''Linkara:''' Ah, telepathy, the "'Right to privacy'? Pah!" superpower.
** Imra gets congratulated on a job well done, and is told that she's earned the right to join the agency in the future, known as the "Science Police":
--->'''Linkara:''' It's always been a weird title to me; it just makes me envision cops throwing test tubes at people. ''[aside]'' The SWAT team uses flasks, instead.
* Back on the shuttle, Rokk and Garth meet each other for the first time, where Garth explains that he's heading to Earth to find his missing brother; the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of R.J. Brande, the richest man in the galaxy:
-->'''Brande:''' ''No'', no! No special ''treatment'' for ''this'' old man! Today, I'm ''just'' a ''passenger''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Richest man in the cosmos, and he still has to fly coach.\\
'''Rokk:''' The whole ''United Planets'' project depends on him! They say he's the ''only man alive'' who knows the ''secret'' of ''Stargate technology''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, it's not that complicated: [[Franchise/StargateVerse Naquadah, seven symbols with the last being the departure point, Dial Home Device]], having Creator/RichardDeanAnderson around... Also, the secret's going to turn out to be garlic powder. Also also, he's the only one? Well, screw all the engineers and people who build them, I guess. Also also also, he's that important, why is he on a commercial flight, and not on some privately-owned secure transport to keep him safe?\\
'''Garth:''' Without ''Brande'', we'd still be bankrupting ''entire worlds'' for ''warpspeed fuel''-- --instead of ''jumping'' light-years at the shift of a ''relay''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Garth]'' [[AsYouKnow It's a good thing we both know who it is, or else it'd be weird that we're giving exposition to each other!]]
* After the shuttle arrives in Metropolis, Imra spots a group of suspicious maintenance workers, who are revealed to be assassins out to eliminate Brande; before the would-be killers can fire their weapons, Rokk uses his magnetism to lift the guns out of their hands, and Garth zaps them with lightning:
-->'''Rokk:''' ''[thinking]'' Well, what do you ''know''? ''Red'' here is a real ''live wire''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, Rokk here is a real cosmic boy, a-- Wait...\\
'''Imra:''' Hey! ''Hey!'' Don't let me ''interrupt'' all those ''good thoughts''... ...but do you suppose you ''boys'' could ''ditch'' the mutual ''strokefest'' long enough to actually ''catch the bad guys''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Imra]'' Thinking your friend is cool? ''[scoffs]'' Stop jerking each other off, ''boys''! This is the 90's; we're supposed to all be assholes to one another!
** After the attempt on his life is foiled, and impressed with what the three teenagers could do, Brande meets with the President of Earth and says he has a proposal for her:
--->'''President:''' ''Splendid!'' I always ''wondered'' when you'd finally sell your secrets! With ''Earthgov'' privy to Stargate tech, we can open--\\
'''Brande:''' Oh-''ho''! Nice ''try'', Madame-- but the ''Stargates'' are this old man's ''only hole card''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Tell the Goa'uld I won't let them have Stargate technology until they free the Jaffa.
*** Actually, his idea is an organization that can promote galactic unity, shared tech, common alliance, and so on:
---->'''President:''' Tell me ''more''. Earthgov ''always'' listens to R.J. Brande. Even his ''wildest'' ideas are fun to hear.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Well, I was thinking we could glue live squirrels to the sides of our heads.
* During Brande's first meeting with Garth, Imra, and Rokk, he turns on a hologram of Superman:
-->'''Rokk:''' Even the ''Braalians'' heave heard of the legendary ''Man'' of ''Steel''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Rokk]'' Did you know he was King of Atlantis for a while? And also that Atlantis was in the Pacific Ocean?\\
'''Linkara:''' And then a hologram of Batman.\\
'''Imra:''' Another twentieth-century champion.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Imra]'' He died after trying to blow up a VHS tape factory; never made it to the 21st century to see [=DVDs=] eventually supplant them. Real shame.
** After more holograms of heroes are turned on, Rokk comments that it's nice that someone remembers their legacy, and they don't have people like them anymore:
--->'''Brande:''' ''Precisely''. So what can we ''do'' about that?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' I've bought the rights to them, and I'm going to start printing them in a new reboot.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Rokk]'' Isn't it a thousand years in the future? Haven't they fallen into the public domain?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Ha! You're funny; you think corporations were ever going to let that happen?
*** Brande then lays out his proposal for the three to officially form a team, with his resources and financial backing, working as superheroes and helping people:
---->'''Brande:''' ''Join me''. I don't know what'll ''happen''. Maybe we'll all walk ''away'' from this in three months. Maybe it won't ''work out''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Maybe we'll get another reboot in ten years; who can say?
* ''Legionnaires'' #0 opens with a commercial for Garth, Imra, and Rokk -- now going by "Live Wire", "Saturn Girl", and "Cosmic Boy", respectively -- operating as the Legion:
-->'''Narrator:''' Gathered together from all corners of the galaxy to personify the unity of our universe--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the narrator]'' Or, at least, the Caucasian parts of it...\\
'''Narrator:''' '''''--the Legion of Super-Heroes!''''' Representing the brave and good of the citizens in our galaxy, the Legion stands ready to protect and serve all the worlds of the United Planets.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the narrator]'' And you can, too, by buying the official Legion of Super-Heroes merchandise!
** Garth asks Brande why he wasn't given his planned name of "Lightning Lad":
--->'''Brande:''' Marketing thought "Live Wire" was a ''fresher'', more ''noticeable'' name, son...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' They're also looking to get a Mountain Dew sponsorship for you.
* Meanwhile, the villain of the arc introduced in the previous issue, Lord Doyle, monologues to some terrorists he hired about how the very idea of the galaxy joining together is a terrible one:
-->'''Doyle:''' First his damn ''Stargates''. Now this "Legion" he's developing!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Doyle]'' Next, he'll be figuring out how to activate the eighth and ninth chevrons!\\
''[beat]''\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, last ''Stargate'' joke, I promise.\\
'''Doyle:''' Have all the preparations been made for the conference?\\
'''Terrorist:''' Yes, sir. Everything's taken care of.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the terrorist]'' [[TakeThat The hors d'oeuvres are being catered by Hardee's! There can be no peace after that!]]\\
'''Doyle:''' In one shot, the hope of a unified galaxy, Brande, and his three little ''pets'' will be ''destroyed''.\\
'''Linkara:''' He's after his cats?!\\
'''Doyle:''' Now, ''go''! Make sure all of our guests ''stay'' for the festivities.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Doyle]'' I'm just going to sit here and stare at my ''Film/{{Phantasm}}'' orb.
* At the conference, Brande introduces the Legion, complete with their new uniforms:
-->'''President:''' ''[whispering]'' Brande, those uniforms...\\
'''Brande:''' ''[whispering]'' --look ''much'' better than the first set. I agree, Madame President.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' I admit, I wish that they still said "Made by R.J. Brande" on the back, but still; can't argue with fashion.
** The heroes successfully stop a bomb from destroying the United Planets building, and Saturn Girl manages to identify two of the terrorists:
--->'''Saturn Girl:''' ''--There!'' Those two are responsible for locking the doors!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Saturn Girl]'' And they were going to be in here when the bomb goes off, so they were idiots.
* The Legion gives chase, passing by a neon sign advertising a three-breasted alien from Eroticon 6:
-->'''Linkara:''' It's also a bar and grill, which I imagine is the real selling point for customers.
** They apprehend one of the terrorists, but Saturn Girl loses track of the other one:
--->'''Saturn Girl:''' We'll have to seatch each building.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, it's not like there are... dozens of buildings all around you; great plan, Saturn Girl!\\
'''Gen. Patton:''' [[RunningGag Magnificent bastard, I read your book!]]
* The next day, following the terrorists' capture, the Legion of Super-Heroes, now with Apparition and Triad added to their roster, gets full approval by the United Planets, but Brande still feels regret for what happened:
-->'''Brande:''' ''Damn''... She was a ''great'' assistant.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' But for some reason, they wouldn't let us name her "Secretary Girl".
** The President says the Legion is already popular, but their standing will increase even more after their first mission:
--->'''President:''' We need them to do something more ''galactic''. Something the media can ''play'' with.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' You know, something that'll really get the media to misinterpret what's happening!
*** Brande is furious at this, and storms out of the President's office saying he won't let her use the Legion as a P.R. tool, and their neither strong nor ready enough for any real missions; unbeknownst to Brande, the President actually agrees with his sentiments:
---->'''President:''' Javan, get me in touch with the Science Police...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' It's time to finally arrest the evil clone of [[Series/BillNyeTheScienceGuy Bill Nye]].\\
'''President:''' But first, take a memo...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' "R.J. Brande, do you like me?" Then make two boxes with a "Y" over one and an "N" for the other.
* On Mars, Gim Allon, later identified as "Leviathan", is congratulated by his fellow officers in the Science Police for an arrest he recently made:
-->'''Officer:''' Guy's wall-crawlin' ''40 meters'' up the side of a building... when the ''big'' man here ''reaches up'' and ''taps'' him on the ''shoulder''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the officer]'' Dude said that he was from the "Marvel Universe", and that somehow, he teleported here? Yeah, that kook is gonna be in a cell for a ''looooong'' time.
** Suddenly, Allon is handed a message:
--->'''Officer:''' Whaddaya ''got'' there, pal? Your ''promotion''?\\
'''Allon:''' Huh! Something a lot more ''interesting'', actually...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Allon]'' Somehow, Steve was able to get Android working on this iPad without needing to jailbreak it!
* Another message is delivered to the home of Lyle Norg, later known as "Invisible Kid":
-->'''Female Officer:''' ''[whispering]'' This ''Norg'' fella must be doing awfully ''well'' for himself. Where does the ''money'' come from...?\\
'''Norg:''' ''[suddenly appearing behind the officer]'' Oh, I did Earthgov a couple of favors...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Norg]'' I'm ''really'' good at deleting search history.
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Female Officer:''' How ''dare'' you sneak ''up'' on me like that?\\
'''Norg:''' Sorry. Old ''habit''.\\
'''Female Officer:''' ''<sigh>'' Is your ''dad'' home?\\
'''Norg:''' ''Dad?'' You're looking for ''Lyle Norg'', right? Well, baby... Look no ''further''...!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Norg]'' He's that houseplant over there; he's a shapeshifter.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:705: [=Mr. T and the T-Force #7=]]]
* Linkara looks over the issue's cover, which shows Mr. T being attacked by what appears to be child-sized ninjas:
-->'''Linkara:''' Dammit, ninjas! Don't you realize how doing this is disrespecting your mothers? To give you a positive role model for this situation, the musical stylings of Mr. T... along with the [[RunningGag Ninja Style Dancer]].\\
'''Ninja Style Dancer:''' ''[dances along to the hit Mr. T single "Treat Your Mother Right"]''
* The issue opens at the World Diamond Exchange in Chicago as three thieves dressed like ninjas break in:
-->'''Thief 1:''' We 'bout to grad-u-ate.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Thief 1]'' Weird how they're holding the graduation in this vault, but hey, at least they updated the gowns.\\
'''Thief 3:''' Yeah, and we ain't even got no ''hall'' pass, my brutha.\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, considering high school graduation is not necessarily held inside the school itself, nor during regular hours, a hall pass isn't even necessary, so I don't see why you need to brag about that.\\
'''Thief 1:''' We ''major''-league gangstas, man.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Thief 1]'' The only thing that could possibly stop us now is... some kind of 80's action icon, and what are the odds of that?
** The thieves use explosives to bust open the vault, which is noticed by a security guard in the lobby:
--->'''Guard 1:''' What was that?\\
'''Linkara:''' The other does not acknowledge what is happening on his security monitor.\\
'''Guard 2:''' Uh, I dunno... Earthquake?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 2]'' Look, I've gotta be honest; for people who are rich on diamonds, they're only paying me minimum wage, and that is not enough to make me care about the thieves.
*** The thieves make their escape, but are spotted by the guards; one of the thieves is shot, forcing the others to leave him behind, and the police watch over him as he vomits due to the stress and sudden injury:
---->'''Guard 1:''' What's with him?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 1]'' Their thief clothes are tacky as hell... Ugh, I might throw up, myself.\\
'''Guard 2:''' I dunno... Maybe he never shot a kid before.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 2]'' Me, though? As the night security guard at the World Diamond Exchange, I've had to murder ''thousands'' of children every week.
* The next morning, Mr. T looks over the crime scene:
-->'''Mr. T:''' Another baby brother goes down hard... brother that didn't know the way of the T-Force.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Well, my ally is the T-Force, and a powerful ally it is, suckah.
** A kid named Lester then walks up to Mr. T:
--->'''Lester:''' Yo, m' man, T. Wassup?\\
'''Mr. T:''' I know that can't be you, Lester, callin' me "T." 'Cause I know you ''respect'' the man called ''"Mr. T."'' If this lost brother respected himself, he'd be seein' his momma to the bus, watchin' out for her... ...instead of coolin' at the city icebox.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' He's not dead; just really overheated.\\
'''Mr. T:''' Speakin' a' cool, how come you ain't at school, Lester?\\
'''Lester:''' Man, I cut out on that chump-dump.\\
'''Linkara:''' Ooh, bad move, saying that to Mr. T; you might as well have admitted to telling a string of [[YourMom "Yo' Mama" jokes]].\\
'''Mr. T:''' Yeah? Well, if you're so smart, I better get you down on ''tape''. That way the whole world can witness... ...your great genius.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lester]'' "Do you wanna make more money?" Sure! We all do!\\
'''Lester:''' Man, you talkin' ''raw'', T. Got me a ''trade'', now, my man. Takin' me to the ''top''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Damn, I was actually hoping he'd talk about it; I want to sell it as a "get rich quick" tape.
* Later that night, Lester sneaks out of his apartment... and meets with the gang of diamond thieves from before:
-->'''Bodyguard:''' Yer late.\\
'''Lester:''' Yeah, but I'm good-lookin', I'm smart, and I smell good. Puts me three-up on you, chump.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lester]'' Tardiness in our criminal enterprises is acceptable, as long as I have good hygiene and conventional attractiveness!
** After Lester answers the boss's question about what he learned after last night with a snarky response, the boss's bodyguard angrily picks him up by the neck and slams him into a wall; Lester gets the point and is let down:
--->'''Boss:''' Good. Now, gather 'round, kiddies. Tonight you get a lesson in back-to-basics.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the boss]'' Now, we'll be splitting you into different study groups; I expect a five-page essay on robbing a bank once you're back on Monday.
* The thieves infiltrate their next target, a bakery that supposedly has a heavy payroll:
-->'''Thief:''' One day you gettin' paid in diamonds... Next day, some old, funky Kaiser roll!\\
'''Linkara:''' It's going to turn out the leader was just hungry for some Dunkin' Donuts, but the place wasn't going to open for another few hours.
** However, the thieves are caught by the owner, who brandishes a revolver at them:
--->'''Owner:''' I know what you after... And now you gonna get it...\\
'''Linkara:''' Man, Krispy Kreme takes its security seriously.
* We cut to Mr. T talking with the police about the string of robberies; the officers conclude, based on the size eight shoe prints they've found, that the thieves are kids:
-->'''Mr. T:''' No kid is ''born'' to steal.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' That kinda skill, you've gotta ''earn'' if you wanna be a champion at it.\\
'''Mr. T:''' Kids have gotta be ''taught'' to do wrong.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Stuffin' Jell-O into bathtub drains and drawin' with crayons on the walls? Somebody taught them that.\\
'''Mr. T:''' And you can bet Mister Teacher-Man is coolin' his heels in some three-hundred-dollar size twelves.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Those kids should be gettin' $300 size eights for themselves!
** They discuss that it's adults who are really responsible, since kids don't get jailed the same way as adults and the kids have nothing to gain by ratting the gang's leader out:
--->'''Mr. T:''' Not this time, Teach. Mr. T is on the job and school is ''out''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Welcome to Mr. T's summer school. First lesson: pain.
*** Suddenly, the bakery owner runs at the group holding his gun and fires it, thankfully missing them; Mr. T angrily grabs the gun from the owner as he apologizes:
---->'''Mr. T:''' Gotta write to my congressman 'bout them late-night Wyatt Earp re-runs.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Nobody can shoot straight on that show, and it's ruining everybody else's aim!
* Mr. T gives chase to the thieves, leaping from rooftop to rooftop (and thus [[RunningGag another power is added to the count]]):
-->'''Mr. T:''' Give it up, fools! The T-Force is on your case and in your face!\\
'''[[Series/TheATeam B. A. Baracus]]:''' Then I'll take my fist, and then put my initials on your brain.\\
'''Mr. T:''' ''[thinking]'' These boys have no fear of heights.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' And I also have no such fear. ''[beat]'' Just don't put me on no plane.\\
'''Mr. T:''' ''[thinking]'' Let's see how brave they are when they gotta face the wrong that they've done. Weight of a conscience... ...break a strong man down.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' These kids are assholes, though, so they probably can't even lift twigs.
** Unfortunately, one of the buildings' roofs caves in from Mr. T's weight, causing him to crash all the way to the basement, but he gets up none the worse for wear (which means yet another power added to the count):
--->'''Janitor:''' Little late for that kinda noise, ain't it, son?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the janitor]'' Crashing through ceilings is more of a 4 PM thing.
*** Mr. T then discovers he grabbed one of the thieves' shoes as he fell:
---->'''Mr. T:''' Little late for ''my'' "eye on the city," too. And late for somebody else I know.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Fortunately, I got this midnight snack out of it!
* The issue ends with Lester sneaking back into bed, rattling off excuses as the lights turn on thinking it's his mother... only for him to see Mr. T holding his shoe:
-->'''Mr. T:''' I ain't your momma, boy... And you sure ain't Cinderella...\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, I would totally watch Mr. T's ''Cinderella''.\\
'''Mr. T:''' But I'm bettin' this fly sneaker ''fits'' your trespassin' foot... ''Don't'' it, Lester?!\\
'''Linkara:''' OH, MY GOD! IT'S THE KID THAT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT IT WAS!
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Editor's Note:''' NEXT ISSUE: The action-packed conclusion of Mr. T's battle against the inner-city crime school.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, sure, Mr. T ''says'' he's a man of the people, but here he is trying to shut down schools! Tsk-tsk, trying to prevent kids from getting an education, dude; for shame.
[[/folder]]
%%[[folder:706: [=The Ring, Vol. 3=]]]
%%[[/folder]]
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:[=700th Episode: Superman: Year One #1-3=]]]
* The FramingDevice for this episode is about an elder Linkara (played by Lewis' father) being interviewed by a reporter (played by Lewis' mother) over his successful career, all the while parodying the constant {{retcon}}ning of origin stories as he keeps making blatantly false claims about his past.
** It turns out elder Linkara explained the ''entirety'' of his theme song. When the reporter expresses shock he just did that, Linkara replies that she "gets paid by the hour, right?" This silences her.
** In the far-flung future, Pollo has a new body (based on Laserbeak of ''Franchise/{{Transformers}}'' fame), but ''still'' no working arms. He does have neat talons, though!
** With the interview over, the reporter goes to someone more popular than Linkara: [[WebVideo/TheDomReviews Dominic Noble]], who still looks like he did in the 2020s. He explains that this is because he has somehow gained immortality through reading an unhealthy amount of Creator/ELJames books. Both he and the reporter admit that [[Main/TakeThat it wasn't worth it at all.]]
* Linkara notes how the first issue's cover depicts him as an adult due to his body proportions, but appears to be emerging from the ship that took him to Earth as a baby:
-->'''Linkara:''' Although, I can't really tell if he's fully-grown or not; this could be a teenager, for all we know. With the proportions all over the place, maybe this ''is'' him as a baby!
* The story opens on Krypton's final moments:
-->'''Captions:''' The air seems to ''boil''. Lightning ''flashes''. Thunder ''roars''. A planetwide storm. There is no rain, no relief.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Weather forecasters all across the planet say in unison, "Oops."\\
'''Captions:''' The crust ''roars'' and ''wrenches''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, yeah, I remember the last time I overcooked a pizza.\\
'''Captions:''' Everything ''falls'' and ''clatters'' and ''breaks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' All cats on Krypton are making a statement.\\
'''Captions:''' Everything ''screams''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' That shoelace over there? It's screaming.
** We get a closer view of the destruction:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Pipelines'' explode. Crystalline ''towers'' built to last for eons shatter like ''porcelain''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Lawsuits are filed for false advertising.\\
'''Captions:''' It is the ''end''. For ''everything''. For ''everyone''. It is the ''death'' of the planet ''Krypton''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Somehow, the life insurance on it still ends up being collected.
*** We soon discover, weirdly enough, that baby Kal-El is the one providing the narration:
---->'''Captions:''' Just ''look'' at ''Mom'' and ''Dad''. They're ''running''. They're ''jumping''. They're ''dancing''.\\
'''Linkara:''' No, no, no, no, no. That's not how you dance when the world is ending. Fortunately, to demonstrate that properly, we have the [[RunningGag Ninja Style Dancer]].\\
'''Ninja Style Dancer:''' ''[properly demonstrates apocalyptic dance protocol]''
* Jor-El and Lara manage to send Kal-El away before Krypton explodes, setting his course for the planet Earth... only for it to seemingly explode, too:
-->'''Linkara:''' Man, [[Film/ManOfSteel the "S" doesn't mean "hope"]] in this version; it means "worst luck".
* Jor-El's voice is broadcast from the ship's computers to wake up Kal-El, which are only distinguishable from Kal's previous captions by rounded corners:
-->'''Jor-El's Voice:''' Wake up, my son! Wake ''up''. You have ''much'' to do.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' You've got a busy day of pooping, and then sleeping, and then giggling at random things.\\
'''Jor-El's Voice:''' A ''world'' awaits. A living world. A world of ''terrors'' and ''wonders''. A world that ''needs'' you. A world you must ''save''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' No pressure or anything.\\
'''Jor-El's Voice:''' ''WAKE UP!''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' [[Music/SystemOfADown Grab a brush and put a little makeup! Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup!]]
** The ship then opens up, revealing Jonathan Kent:
--->'''Captions:''' Rush of a thousand gorgeous, angelic alien scents.\\
'''Linkara:''' And then he smells [[RunningGag grape jelly and mustard]], and Kal-El decides to destroy the Earth.\\
'''Captions:''' A million ''buzzes'' and ''squeals'' and ''chatters'' and ''chirps'' from a ''universe'' of life.\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, mostly bugs, though, based on that description.
*** Kal-El emerges from the ship and stares creepily at the reader:
---->'''Captions:''' The Kansas ''wind'' sweeps across the ''wheat field'' like the ''cleansing hand'' of ''God''.\\
'''Linkara:''' I think that lyric got cut from ''Theatre/{{Oklahoma}}''...
* Jonathan picks up Kal-El for the first time, and feels something... unexpected:
-->'''Captions:''' Jon Kent feels something ''probe'' inside his skull. A gentle ''warmth'' makes him feel like his ''brain'' is floating. The boy ''coos'', pleased. This is ''not'' a ''hostile''. Let him take you to your new ''home''. Let him think this is all ''his'' idea.\\
'''Linkara:''' Is Kal using mind control on him?!
** Jonathan brings Kal-El back to his house on his truck:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Father'' once did a ''demonstration'' of how this antique kind of ''engine'' works. It burns ''dead monsters''.\\
'''Linkara:''' So, Jor-El decided to teach his infant son the basics: reading, writing, and how combustion engines, long-outdated technology on Krypton, works; it's like trying to teach your three-year-old about Linotype machines!
* Jonathan introduces Kal-El to Martha:
-->'''Jonathan:''' Hi. I found me something. He came out of a rocket what dropped straight outta the sky.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jonathan]'' [[ImAHumanitarian We're eatin' good tonight, Martha!]]\\
'''Martha:''' Those eyes of his... It's like they've seen ''worlds'' upon ''worlds''. ''Wonders'' beyond all ''reckoning''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Martha]'' We'll make a ''fortune'' selling them!\\
'''Martha:''' Jonathan-- ''Wherever'' could this boy have ''come'' from?\\
'''Jonathan:''' Maybe that ''just don't matter'', my love! Maybe all that ''counts'' is where he's ''headed''.\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, so many seem to care more about where he came from; go figure.
* After Kal-El gets his Earth name of Clark Kent and grows up, Jonathan drives him to his first day of high school:
-->'''Jonathan:''' You ''watch your step'', Clark. If you go and start thinking you're ''better'' than everybody else... ...well, there's ''nothing'' good can come of ''that''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jonathan]'' Especially because... well, not to put too fine a point on it, Clark, but you ever hear the expression "pencil-neck"?\\
'''Clark:''' I'm not better ''than'' anybody. I know that. I'm just better at ''doing stuff''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' [[RunningGag I really want to go "over there" and be better, but "over there" has to take care of its own problems, right, Dad?]]\\
'''Jonathan:''' Or like your ''head's'' getting so big, it'll just ''explode'', right, boy?\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, God, even the comic is aware of how comically huge his head is!
** During lunch, Clark overhears his classmates talking about how he managed to adjust his friend's styrofoam helmet in science class, but then picks up something else, revealed to be Lana Lang:
--->'''Captions:''' Then he hears a ''name''. Her ''name''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Wait, why are those kids talking about Music/BillieEilish years before they were even born?
* Later that afternoon, Clark meets with a group of similar "weirdos" and encourages them to respond to bullying with snark and jokes:
-->'''Clark:''' Never forget. You're a heck of a lot smarter than the whole pack of them. Mess with their heads.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Tell them to solve pi to the last digit and watch their heads explode.
** The kid he helped earlier, Mickey, says they'll just bust their heads open in response:
--->'''Clark:''' Not if your jokes are good enough to get the whole crowd laughing.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Do what that Linkara guy does and say "boner" a lot! It works for him!
* At the dinner table, Clark asks his parents what to do about the bullies at school; Martha says to deal with them non-violently, while Jonathan jokes that he should talk to them first and then kick their butts when that fails... but ultimately sides with Martha:
-->'''Linkara:''' [[TakeThat Then he tells his son to just let bullying happen, and also, if kids get hurt, he should let them get hurt, because it's more important to preserve the secret, but in the future, he can probably figure it all out for himself in a vague, abstract sense that isn't actually helpful.]] ''[beat]'' [[Film/BatmanVSupermanDawnOfJustice Oh, and then his ghost will show up at some point to tell Clark that helping people will actually make things worse.]]
* After another bullying incident, Clark tries to talk to them and get them to stop, but they decide to pick a fight with him in return:
-->'''Captions:''' ...His ''father's'' voice whispers. The voice from the rocket.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Jor-El]'' My son... I think I accidentally left my wallet in the rocket; could you send it back?
* After meeting with the vice principal about his encounter with the bullies, Clark talks with his parents about ways to fight back:
-->'''Clark:''' But is it bullying to fight back? Somebody's gotta take on the bad guys.\\
'''Martha:''' Oh, nobody's really bad, darling. Some people just get confused.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hahahahahaha... [[SincerityMode Yes, they are, Martha; there are legitimately bad people. They are awful, and the only confusion should come from why it took so long to punch them.]] ''[beat]'' [[MoodWhiplash Boner! I'm hilarious!]]
** Later, Jonathan visits Clark and tells him that Martha was wrong, and that you shouldn't be a complete doormat:
--->'''Jonathan:''' No, you... You're something this old world's never seen before. And you're going to change it. Just by being there. So change it for the better.\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark would go on to endorse a toothpaste phone app that told you when to brush.
* Over the next few days, Clark learns that his attempts at fighting the bullies caused them to escalate their tactics, such as graffitiing buses and attacking Clark's other friends:
-->'''Captions:''' His mind ''races''. It's just like ''Pa'' said. Don't go ''showing'' off. Liable to get somebody ''hurt''. Liable to get somebody ''killed''. There's ''got'' to be ''another way''. A better way...\\
'''Linkara:''' Bacon-eating contest!
* After saving Lana from a trap set by the bullies, Clark flies her back to her house, revealing his powers to another person for the first time; he also tells Lana that she should dig up the truth if she wants to find justice:
-->'''Lana:''' Like a reporter would.\\
'''Linkara:''' Or a really obsessed blogger with a bunch of unhinged conspiracy theories, but who can say?
* Clark and Lana meet up in the school library the next day:
-->'''Lana:''' ''Boning up'' there, Mr. Kent?\\
'''Captions:''' ''Damn'' if Lana doesn't just have a way of ''saying'' things...\\
'''Linkara:''' [[IWarnedYou See? Me saying "boner" several times in this episode isn't just me being endlessly humorous, but also prophetic.]]
** They begin to grow closer as a couple and, after getting a kiss goodnight from Lana, Clark heads to a place where several kids were bullied:
--->'''Captions:''' ...And for a minute, he pretends the spot is his own hiding place... ...his little ''Fortress of Solitude''. ...And then he takes himself a ''pee''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Likes to pee in bushes where he was bullied!
* Near the end of their senior year, Clark informs Lana of his plan to join the Navy; the two of them have sex before Clark leaves for basic training the next day:
-->'''Linkara:''' And hey, once again, it all comes back around to boners.\\
'''Lana:''' I guess you're off to storm the barricades now, soldier boy. Don't you go forgetting the small-town girl you left behind.\\
'''Clark:''' I won't be gone forever, Lana... ...And how on Earth could I ever forget you?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[WhatHappenedToTheMouse Lana Lang is not seen again for the rest of this miniseries.]] I think he mentions her once or twice, but otherwise, she is gone from this story. ''[beat]'' As we'll see, that's apparently a recurring motif.
* Linkara briefly describes the imprint this story was published under, Creator/DCBlackLabel:
-->'''Linkara:''' We'll talk about the Black Label another time, but more or less, "Here's where we put everything that used to be in [[Creator/VertigoComics Vertigo]], and also any time [[ComicBook/BatmanDamned we want to show Batman's penis]]." ''[beat]'' Again, more boners.
* In the beginning of the second issue, Clark proves to be an exceptional recruit, and is sent to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado in San Diego to train as a Navy SEAL, where he seems to have a particular affinity for the sea:
-->'''Captions:''' And the ''sea''. Her ''smell''. Her ''taste''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Mmm, tastes like dehydration!\\
'''Captions:''' She ''calls'' to him. She ''strengthens'' him. She ''begs'' for him.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' She wants the money he owes her.
* One night, Clark spies mermaids frolicking in the water in the distance, which his superior corroborates:
-->'''Superior:''' Watching the ''girls'', boy? Can't say I blame you. They're ''worth'' the watching, they surely are.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' Especially when they lure them out and rip them to shreds with razor-sharp teeth; now, ''that's'' entertainment!\\
'''Superior:''' This world's ''full'' of wonders, son.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' For example, digital watches; I don't see it getting any better than that.
** The superior warns Clark that several men have been attracted to the mermaids and swam out to meet them... and have never been seen since:
--->'''Superior:''' ...But you never heard nothing about no ''mermaids''... not from ''me'', now, ''did'' you, boy? Now ''did'' you, boy?\\
'''Clark:''' Sir, no, ''sir''! Nothing about no ''mermaids'', ''sir''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the superior]'' Good. ''[beat]'' Now, hippogriffs, on the other hand...
* After being forced to clean the latrines after inadvertently starting a bar brawl while on shore leave, Clark sneaks out to the water to get a closer look at the mermaids:
-->'''Captions:''' The ''angels'' are calling to him. The ''sea nymphs'' are calling.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, it would turn out they were really sea monkeys.\\
'''Captions:''' ...But their ''song''... Why is it so ''sad''...?\\
'''Linkara:''' That's because they're singing [[Music/BenFolds Ben Folds Five's]] "Brick", Clark; it's not a happy song.\\
'''Captions:''' Adapt. You don't need the air. Let it out. Now breathe the water. It's easy. It's easy.\\
'''Twin Clone of Hitler''': Of course. Don't you know anything about ''science''?\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, idiots; it's easy to breathe underwater! Just do it! ''[angrily taps his head]''
** He eventually encounters one, who communicates with him telepathically:
--->'''Captions:''' The angel's name is ''Lori''... ...and she's ''teasing'' him...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Asking him why he brought his watch underwater with him. ''[beat]'' Also, she thinks his haircut is stupid.
*** Clark follows Lori to the undersea continent of Atlantis, which is currently dealing with an experimental surveillance submarine that crashed into its walls; as Clark helps out, the perspective shifts to one of the Atlanteans:
---->'''Atlantean:''' ''[thinking]'' It was our darkest hour... ...all hope was lost... and ''LO''! ...a beacon of ''LIGHT'' shone through! It was a ''SURFACE MAN''... A ''SUPERMAN''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the Atlantean]'' Wait, no, that's what we'll call him! "Surface Man"!\\
'''Atlantean:''' ''[thinking]'' Words... the hero's voice spoke to us... to our minds...\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, so we're adding telepathy to Superman's powers now?! Or is this just an ability unique to Surface Man?!
* Clark returns to base, and while sparring with another soldier, he knocks him down without hurting him as the captain barks about finishing moves:
-->'''Captain:''' From this here ''position''... ...you can pound his ''face'' to ''burger meat''... ...or you can ''rip'' his ''throat'' out with your ''teeth''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captain]'' Either way, lunch is up!\\
'''Captain:''' What's it going to ''be'', soldier?\\
'''Clark:''' I think I'll ask him how his ''mom'' is doing, sir!\\
'''Linkara:''' ...Okay, I know that's supposed to be Clark being wholesome and friendly, but you can also read that as him saying "I banged his mom."
* Following a mission aboard a hijacked cargo ship where he refused to kill any of the pirates, Clark is honorably discharged and meets up with his superior before rejoining Lori:
-->'''Superior:''' You practically ''ate'' that ''hand grenade'' back there, soldier... and that baby was no ''dud''. That I seen... and plenty else. You got ''gifts''... gifts like nothing anybody's ever ''seen''. Gifts. Talents. Hone those talents! Learn those skills!\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark went on to become a professional game streamer on Twitch.
* After Lori tells him that he needs to speak with her father Poseidon for permission to have sex with her, Clark puts on his Superman outfit for the first time and battles a sentry stationed outside Atlantis, using his telepathy to convert it to his side:
-->'''Captions:''' So he ''focuses'' his ''mind''... ...and gives a gentle psychic ''push''... ...and the sentry ''pivots''... ...and opens ''wide'' the gate... ...and beckons its new master ''in''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Has more psychic powers than [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} Mewtwo]]!
** Clark then makes his way to the throne room:
--->'''Captions:''' And how the ''sea maidens'' chitter and ''chat'', their voices like ''chimes''... ...It's ''music'', all ''music''. It's all ''music''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[singing]'' [[Music/TheBeatles I like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden, in the shade.]]
*** Clark approaches Poseidon and kneels before him:
---->'''Lori:''' He shows you respect, Father.\\
'''Poseidon:''' He respects nothing. He squats like a frog.\\
'''Linkara:''' So... What? Was he supposed to curtsy, then?
* Clark thinks about Poseidon's challenge, musing about what would happen if he managed to wrest the throne of Atlantis from him:
-->'''Clark:''' ''[thinking]'' Wouldn't ''that'' be a hoot!... ...I can just see it. "''Clark Kent, King of the Seven Seas''"... ...that's got one ''heck'' of a ring to it!\\
'''Linkara:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yeah, wouldn't that be stupid and ridiculous?!]] ''[uncomfortable pause]'' WOULDN'T THAT BE STUPID AND RIDICU--?!
* After attempting to kill Clark with his mightiest warriors as well as a mother and child Kraken to no avail, Poseidon accepts defeat and swims away to reflect and plan his revenge:
-->'''Captions:''' He will ''reclaim'' his ''throne''. He will ''reclaim'' his ''princess bride''.\\
'''[[Film/ThePrincessBride Count Rugen]]:''' I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
* The third and final issue opens with Lois Lane in a miniature sub exploring the ocean as an Atlantean torpedo strikes the area near her:
-->'''Captions:''' Targeting systems lock. ''Torpedo'' strike. Volcanic gas ''explodes''. Planet Earth ''farts''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Stay classy, Frank.
** Unfortunately for Lois, the sub begins to take damage:
--->'''Captions:''' Another ''explosion''. The ocean's demons ''laugh''. A child ''smacks'' his bathtub toy. ...And then the little beast ''throws'' his toys ''away''.\\
'''[[Recap/StarTrekS2E7Catspaw Kirk]]:''' Spock. Comment?\\
'''Spock:''' Very bad poetry, Captain.
* As the Atlanteans prepare to finish the job, Clark intervenes, destroying the Atlanteans' submarine and delivering Lois to shore... all while Frank Miller's bad habit of incessantly repeating dialogue returns in full force:
-->'''Captions:''' She's as good as ''dead''. She's as good as ''dead''. She's as good as ''dead''.\\
'''Linkara:''' This story is as good as dead, good as dead!
** Clark performs CPR on Lois, saving her life:
--->'''Clark:''' You're going to be fine. You're safe with me.\\
'''Captions:''' "You're safe with me." It sounds so ''simple'' when ''he'' says it. So simple... and so utterly ''true''. Like she'd ''always'' be safe in ''his'' arms. Right. Provided this ''space cadet'' doesn't get ''distracted'' by a ''butterfly'' or something and ''drop'' her.\\
'''Linkara:''' She should be concerned about that; he might spot some butterfly woman that he decides to go romance and then forget about later.
* After dealing with a squad on soldiers who attempted to ambush him, Clark returns to Lois to find her in shock from both the water and the cold temperatures:
-->'''Captions:''' Got to move ''quickly''... ...But... ...Take a second... ...Just a second... ...Get a look at her papers...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Clark]'' Oh, my God, she's dying! [[SkewedPriorities I better rifle through her purse!]]
* Clark enrolls in college at Kansas State University and gets his journalism degree, and is now all set to move to Metropolis for his new job at the ''Daily Planet'':
-->'''Captions:''' He looks ''around'', but nobody's asking for ''help''. Not in ''Metropolis''. Everybody knows ''exactly where'' they're ''going''. ''Exactly'' why they're ''here''. Nobody's ''talking'' too much. Nobody's ''wasting time''. Not in ''Metropolis''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Have we had it wrong all this time, and the repeating is just him writing lyrics for a musical? ''[singing]'' Nobody's wasting time, not in Metropolis!\\
'''Captions:''' The ''fashions'' here... The ''styles''... It's like another ''planet''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, my God! It's... a hoodie! And a hat! [[RunningGag What new spore of madness is this?!]]\\
'''Captions:''' ''Fashions''. ''Styles''. From all around the ''world''. A million disguises to be had. One's bound to stick. Only ''bad guys'' wear ''masks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Clark Kent helped keep the pandemic going.
* Clark, preparing to be Superman for the first time, sorts through the noise of Metropolis to find what crimes he needs to prioritize:
-->'''Captions:''' ''Start'' where it ''starts''. Crime ''starts'' on the streets. So what do crooks ''want''? They want money. Where do they ''find'' it? ''Banks''.\\
'''Cyber-Leader:''' [[RunningGag There is... logic in what he says.]]\\
'''Captions:''' Never mind the third-rate ''muggers'' and ''street swindlers''. Go for the ''banks''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' Rob all the banks so the criminals can't! A-- Wait...
** After foiling a bank robbery and rounding up some drug dealers, Superman turns his attention to an abusive husband:
--->'''Captions:''' Across town. Utter ''madness''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, because a lot of the other stuff that's happened so far has been perfectly sane and rational!\\
'''Captions:''' An all-too-''common'' sort of madness.\\
'''Cyberman''': Is this human condition of "madness", Leader?\\
'''Cyber-Leader''': It is.\\
'''Abusive Husband:''' ''Reading'' that ''garbage'' again, are ya? You ''know'' I ''hate'' it when you ''read'', woman!\\
'''Linkara:''' The dark sequel to ''Batman: A Word to the Wise'' that nobody was asking for.
*** Before the husband can lay a hand on his wife, Superman stops him cold, breaking his wrist in the process:
---->'''Abusive Husband:''' ''Ghad''. You bastard. Right in my own home.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the abusive husband]'' It'd be okay if you broke my wrist out on the streets, but here?!
* Sure enough, footage is captured of Superman, and his exploits are the top story on all the major networks:
-->'''Anchorwoman:''' This story's going to knock your snot out, folks...\\
'''Linkara:''' A phrase nobody has ever said before, especially not on the news. ''[beat]'' This is going to be like [[ComicBook/TheDarkKnightStrikesAgain that "Naked News" thing from years ago]] and be a totally real thing and the only thing you comment on for this video that's already well over an hour long, isn't it?
* At the ''Planet'', Lois, Jimmy Olsen, and another reporter named Winters prepare to report on a hostage crisis at Luthor's Palace:
-->'''Lois:''' So where's ''Kent'', anyway?\\
'''Olsen:''' Says he hadda go to the ''bathroom'', Ms. Lane.\\
'''Lois:''' Useless.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lois]'' Needing to pee? What a useless guy!
** Clark, overhearing this, does not take it well:
--->'''Captions:''' "Useless." She scarcely ''whispers'' the word... ...But it ''sticks'' in him like a hot ''poker''. It always does. Each and every time she says it. "''Useless''." It's like he's ''nothing''. It's like he's ''worthless''. One of these days he'll ''show'' her just how ''worthless'' he is. He'll ''show'' them ''all''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[with the Superman theme playing]'' Superman! Incredibly petty!
* The hostage-takers threaten to drop a baby to her death unless they get safe passage and a billion dollars in diamonds, but Superman easily her:
-->'''Captions:''' ...He snaps up this scared, scared little Dorothy... ...like he was carrying her straight off to ''Oz''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, he dropped her off in ''Film/ReturnToOz'', and she's scarred for life.
** Superman then returns to the hostage-takers to finish the job:
--->'''Hostage-Taker 1:''' We are so dead.\\
'''Hostage-Taker 2:''' ''No!'' He's just a ''man''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' That's right! I AM A MAN! ''*punch*''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[finds a miniature Pollo in his hands]'' Oh, hey; little Pollo figurines. I'm going to sell these at conventions.\\
'''Captions:''' Just a ''man'', yes. A man of ''steel''!\\
'''Linkara:''' And of very compressed pectorals, based on this image.
* While the hostages escape, Lex Luthor makes his way to Superman:
-->'''Luthor:''' ''[thinking]'' Everything is in ''order''. Everything is in ''order''. ''Beautiful''. Surely he will ''understand''. Surely Superman will ''realize''... that ''truth'' and ''justice''... ...will only be found in a time of peace... ...a time of order.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luthor]'' Surely he will realize that ''my'' narration captions are the best ones.\\
'''Luthor:''' ''[thinking]'' Surely this godlike ''champion''... ...will ''smile'' into the bright light of ''reason''... ...and recognize his ''superior''... ...and ''kneel'' down before Luthor in grateful ''obedience''.\\
'''Linkara:''' No, Lex, he won't. ''[beat]'' And the "S" doesn't stand for "surely".
** As Luthor walks onto the roof, Superman yells at him that he won't take orders from him, seemingly reading his thoughts:
--->'''Luthor:''' My mind just works a little ''faster'' than yours. You'll do what you're told.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, but will it move faster than his fist to your face?
* Because it seems like an obligation at this point, Frank Miller introduces Batman in the final third of the issue as he stops a gang of pirates from hijacking an arms shipment in Gotham... while waving a gun at them:
-->'''Batman:''' Keep ''moving'', pirates, or you're all ''dead''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman, holding a gun]'' I know you're the ones keeping DC comics from arriving in Gotham City! Carol Fein warned me about you! ''HOW MUCH IS [[RunningGag ONE-FACE]] PAYING YOU?!''
** Batman leads the pirates onto a boat to be picked up by the feds back onshore:
--->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' It's all so wonderfully quiet, so perfectly ''Gotham''... ...The constant ''bleating'' of my city... The ''car alarms'' crying... ...The ''police sirens'' rising, then falling off, so far away... ...The lapping ''waves''... ...The pirates' muffled ''curses''... ...All of it ''music'' to my ears.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Specifically, it's a Starland Vocal Band song; weird.
*** Batman escapes by swimming to a motorized engine he stored underwater:
---->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' Slapped this little darling together in my ''workshop''. She converts sea ''water'' straight into ''electrical power''... ...giving me an ''ocean'' of fuel. The concept could have ''applications''. That's if I ever cared to ''share'' it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman, singing]'' [[Series/Batman1966 Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Bat-Dick!]]
* Luthor holds a press conference declaring that all costumed vigilantes will now be agents of the state, Superman included, and his first order of business will be to send him after Batman; Superman tries to object, but Luthor keeps interrupting him:
-->'''Captions:''' They ''cheer''. This is only getting worse.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' [[StatingTheSimpleSolution I suppose I could very loudly and noticeably take the microphone from him and admonish him over this,]] [[IdiotBall but I'm not going to because I'm suddenly an idiot.]]
* The Joker meets with Luthor to plan a distraction for Superman and Batman, and uses his phone while Luthor contacts his drug manufacturers:
-->'''Captions:''' Alone with his thoughts. His thoughts. The thoughts he has. That's a little too disturbing ...even for him.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the Joker, thinking as he scrolls on his phone]'' I think now's the right time for a ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'' reunion movie.\\
'''Captions:''' But that's okay. That's what phones are for. So you don't have to ever be alone with your thoughts.\\
'''Linkara:''' Is Frank Miller having an [[Recap/TheSimpsonsS13E13TheOldManAndTheKey "Old Man Yells at Clouds"]] moment with that?
** Suddenly, Batman captures the Joker and blows up a drug farm, while quoting lines from ''The Dark Knight Strikes Again'' for some reason:
--->'''Batman:''' ''[thinking]'' Striking ''terror''. Best part of the ''job''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Well, that and [[ComicBook/AllStarBatmanAndRobinTheBoyWonder making out with random women who show up on motorcycles]]; that's pretty cool.
* After learning his plans were foiled by Batman, Luthor decides to force Superman and Batman into a direct fight:
-->'''Luthor:''' ''Lure'' their competing ''visions'' of ''justice'' into blessed ''conflict''... ...and reap the ''whirlwind''. They'll ''destroy'' each other. ''Genius''. It's too ''small'' a word.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luthor]'' All I have to do is use an African warlord to lure Superman out to the desert, have mercenaries kill the warlord's forces and frame Superman for it, have Superman grow paranoid of Batman's activites, have Congress investigate it, then blow up Congress when Superman goes in to answer for it, make Batman be paranoid about Superman's powers, and have him steal a hunk of kryptonite, and kidnap Superman's mom and threaten to kill her if he doesn't go and kill Batman! ''[beat]'' And then make Doomsday as a backup plan or something. ''[beat]'' "Genius" is too small a word.
* As Superman and Batman's fight devolves into childish bickering, a hand suddenly reaches out and grab's Superman's arm:
-->'''Voice:''' ''NO!'' ''No more''. You're ''both'' making ''fools'' of yourselves.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh hey, ''I'm'' in the comic.
** Actually, it's Wonder Woman, [[DeusExMachina who literally comes in out of nowhere and orders the two to stop fighting]]:
--->'''Wonder Woman:''' But this ends now. Now is our moment. No more ''squabbles''. No more ''fights''. We ''join forces''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Superman]'' Good point. ''[beat]'' Also, who are you?\\
'''Wonder Woman:''' From this ''very moment'' to the ''exact instant'' that ''each one of us dies''... ...we serve ''one purpose''... ...''one idea''... ...''one cause''... ...''justice''.\\
'''Linkara:''' And together, we can ''be'' justice! ''[cringes]'' Oh, my God, and with the crappy writing... I can totally believe she actually would say that in this.\\
'''Captions:''' And with those ''words''... ...an era ''begins''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' An era of continuity mistakes if this really takes place in the same universe as ''ASBAR'', because Wonder Woman was the one who wanted to murder Batman in that.
*** The trio confront Luthor in his office, where he reveals that an android named Brainiac is in possession of the Bottle City of Kandor; Superman leaves to intercept him, but not before giving Wonder Woman a kiss on the forehead:
---->'''Wonder Woman:''' ''[thinking]'' You ''boy''. You sweet little ''Adonis''. ''Go'' become a man. Then you come ''back'' for me.\\
'''Linkara:''' Sorry, Wondy, but given the track record of every other love interest in this book...
* The story ends on one last bit of narration:
-->'''Captions:''' He leaves ''Planet Earth'' and all it holds. His accidental ''home''...\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, not really accidental in this because it was chosen for him by Jor-El.\\
'''Captions:''' ...his ''chosen people'', his sacred trust... ...and ''still'' he climbs... ...and still he ''climbs''...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' ...And then he remembers that he can't actually breathe in space even if he can breathe underwater. ''[beat]'' Whoops.\\
'''Captions:''' His ''tribe'' cries ''out'' to him. The genocidal ''Brainiac'' lies in wait. Comes his ''destiny''. And, without ''pause'', without ''fear''... ...he flies ''straight'' and ''swift'' and sure to ''meet'' that ''destiny''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, destiny had to cancel their reservation due to a family emergency.\\
'''Captions:''' This ''sole survivor''... ...this ''orphan''... ...this ''wild child''... ...this angry ''adolescent''...\\
'''Linkara:''' He's in his twenties! Shut up!\\
'''Captions:''' ...this intrepid ''reporter''... ...this streaking ''savior''...\\
'''Linkara:''' I know he just means the color streak behind him, but in a Frank Miller comic, that could also mean him naked.\\
'''Captions:''' ...this space-spanning ''seeker'' of ''truth''. This ''man''. This ''Superman''. '''The NEVER-ENDING BATTLE''' '''''BEGINS!'''''\\
'''Linkara''': [[NoEnding And ends, because... that's the end of the comic!]] ''[beat]'' That's it! He goes off to fight Brainiac... and nothing! The story just... stops! I don't know if the plan was to have more issues and, for some reason, they needed to cut it short, but the story just ends there! Hell, it's barely a story! It's like a few barely-connected instances of Clark Kent's early life!\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S08E12TheIncrediblyStrangeCreatures Crow T. Robot]]:''' We hope you've enjoyed No-Moral Theater, ladies and gentlemen!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:701: [=PATREON: Ken Penders' The Lost Ones #1=]]]
* As Linkara prepares to give a rundown of the Ken Penders drama for viewers who might be unfamiliar...
-->'''[[Film/ThePrincessBride Inigo Montoya]]:''' Let me explain. ''[beat]'' No, there is too much; let me sum up.
* Linkara reads the red text at the top of the issue's cover:
-->'''Cover:''' They're out there... hidden among us!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''VideoGame/AmongUs'' is such a great game that they were promoting it even this far back.\\
'''Cover:''' You're about to discover... ''The Ken Penders' Lost Ones''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, I know the name isn't in there like that, but that's what happens when you shove your name in the middle of the logo.
* Linkara then looks over the introductory blurb for the series:
-->'''Blurb:''' Welcome to the future...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the blurb]'' There's a complimentary fruit basket waiting for you in the future's hotel room.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where every home is jacked into the internet with hi-speed transmission, and widescreen is the accepted format for every form of digital video media.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[suddenly in a 4:3 aspect ratio]'' Pfft! Like that's ever going to happe-- ''[buffering]''\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where a flight from New York to Tokyo is just under four hours, and Boston to Los Angeles is a daily commute.\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, the former is still not a thing, but the latter...? Eh, I could see some people doing that. I wouldn't recommend it, but hey, I'm not, like, a rich businessman with a private jet or whatever.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where the beaches along the Great Lakes are far more valuable waterfront property than the ocean fronts of either coastline, by virtue of the abundance of fresh water versus the lack thereof.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean, I've been telling all my friends to move to Minnesota for years now, so this is starting to look like our old future.\\
'''Blurb:''' ...where there are only two kinds of people -- those that matter -- and everyone else!\\
'''Linkara:''' And that's ''really'' the attitude of people who would have a commute from Boston to Los Angeles.\\
'''Blurb:''' Or, to put it another way, there's THE LOST ONES -- and then there's you!\\
'''Linkara:''' So... I matter?! [[BigYes YES!]] I made the cut!
** The next page features more setup:
--->'''Captions:''' ''Where do you come from? Where are you going?''\\
'''Linkara:''' The lesser-known questions asked in ''Series/BabylonFive''.\\
'''Captions:''' These are questions we all ask of ourselves at one time or another. While some can trace their family lineage back hundreds of years, there are those who literally haven't a clue who their parents are.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' That's when we call in [[Series/TheJerrySpringerShow Jerry Springer]].\\
'''Captions:''' Then there are those born to wealth and privelege...\\
'''Linkara:''' And those born to spelling errors.\\
'''Captions:''' ...their lives predetermined, while the majority struggle merely to survive another day. For a select few, born without an awareness of where they came from, but with an ability to reshape a world, they now find themselves at the most important crossroads of their lives.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Should they try to sell their world-changing product via infomercial?\\
'''Captions:''' ''This is their story...''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir ...all about how their lives got flipped, turned upside-down.]]
* The first page of the story proper features yet more blocks of exposition from the narrator, FBI Agent Julian Sikorski:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Some people think the ''past'' is whatever just took place, the ''present'' is what's happening, and the ''future'' only something to look forward to, very rarely if ever linking ''cause'' and ''effect''. I was like that ''myself''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' [[Literature/AChristmasCarol Then, I met the Ghosts of Christmas.]]
** Sikorski flashes back to July 31, 1945, where the Potsdam Conference was held to discuss the fate of post-war Germany... and where [[UsefulNotes/HarrySTruman President Truman]] authorized the use of the atomic bomb on Japan:
--->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' And with that signed order, Truman had ''determined'' the future for ''everyone'', at a cost ''beyond'' anyone's wildest imagination...\\
'''Linkara:''' What do you mean, this individual sheet of paper costs $20?!
*** We then cut to Monday, in the comic's version of the near-future:
---->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' I actually thought it began with a phone call on a routine Monday...\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''Sikorski!'' Just finishing some reports! ''[[BigWhat WHAAAAT?!!]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' "Is my refrigerator running?" The hell kind of question is that?!
* Sikorski and his partner Tocata drive to Reagan International Airport, along with a full detachment of police, to arrest a particular Japanese-American woman; Sikorski questions the amount of firepower the police are carrying just to arrest a single woman:
-->'''Tocata:''' Who ''cares''? Probably some ''techno-terrorist'' with ''classified'' information!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tocata]'' My God! She cracked the [=YouTube=] algorithm! We have to stop her!\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Unknown to me at the time, at that ''exact'' same moment, there were others ''north'' of the ''American-Canadian border'' after the same objective...\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S08E04TheDeadlyMantis Tom Servo]]:''' Canada calls to ask, "What are you guys doing up there?"
** We then cut to a ''Film/MenInBlack''-styled agent codenamed "Number Seven" also looking for the woman, relaying his progress to an outside party:
--->'''Radio:''' Is there another way she could exit without noticing?\\
'''Seven:''' ''Highly'' doubtful, sir! This is a ''hi-tech'' facility with ''state-of-the-art'' security!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Seven]'' I mean, they made her take off her shoes and everything!
* The next page formally introduces us to the target in question, Keri Kurosawa, AKA "Particle":
-->'''Captions:''' Where indeed do you begin a ''hunt'' for one of the most ''unusual'' human beings ever to walk the planet?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[shrugs]'' [[TakeThat I don't know, Twitter?]]\\
'''Captions:''' A being whose abilities not only make her ''unique'' among her own kind, but also one of the ''most dangerous'' and ''elusive'' to capture! For she wields the power to ''control'' the ''electron'', whether it operates the ''nervous system'' of an ''organic being'' or the functionality of the most ''advanced microchip''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' [[MundaneUtility Although, mostly, she uses it to skip lines in coffee shops.]]
** According to the narration, Keri just wants to live life like everyone else:
--->'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' The ''"dogs"'' are ''already'' out for me-- --but this is one ''"fox"'' who ''won't'' easily be ''caught''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, just look at those two neat little smartwatches she's got on her; she'll be fine.
* Another flashback takes us back to 1945, as the flight crew of the ''Enola Gay'' is being briefed on the properties of the atomic bomb before flying out to Hiroshima:
-->'''Air Force Presenter:''' It is the ''most'' destructive weapon ''ever'' produced! We think it will knock out ''everything'' within a three-mile radius!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the presenter]'' Though, for the love of God, can you ''please'' stop daring each other to kick it?!\\
'''Air Force Presenter:''' Now, if someone will please ''dim'' the lights...\\
'''Air Force Projectionist:''' Sorry, sir. The ''film'' is getting ''chewed up'' in the sprockets!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the presenter]'' Well, we ''were'' going to show you a comedy movie before you slaughtered thousands of people, just to lighten the mood a bit, but Gary over there keeps getting butterfingers!
* Back in the "present", Keri drives out to the border:
-->'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' My ''birth'' certificate may state I'm an ''American''-- --but driving a car with ''Canadian'' plates is still going to arouse some ''questions''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Keri]'' Like "Where are my poutines and Tidbits?" Or "Why can I still go to Toys R Us?"\\
'''Keri:''' ''[thinking]'' Fortunately, I have an ''edge''!\\
'''Border Officer:''' Please state your ''citizenship''!\\
'''Keri:''' American.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the border officer]'' Wow, American?! Go on through!
* At FBI Headquarters, Sikorski and Tocata are debriefed about failing to locate Particle; Tocata is dismissed, but Sikorski is asked to stay:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Something ''weird'' was going on, and I could tell from ''Tocata's'' expression he felt the same thing...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' I was then recruited to be the FBI's new mascot character, "Feddy the Federal Agent".
** Actually, Sikorski is being reassigned to Buffalo, New York, for unknown reasons:
--->'''Superior:''' Apparently, a higher authority believes ''something'' in Buffalo, New York, is of sufficient ''importance'' to warrant sending an agent!\\
'''Linkara:''' Turns out her boss was just really confused about New York-style pizza.\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' As I walked out of that room, I couldn't help but wonder about the other ''poor souls'' in history who were given orders of ''dubious'' merit from their government--\\
'''Linkara:''' We then cut back to 1945 and the flight crew for the ''Enola Gay''. Oh, yeah, getting vague orders from your superiors is ''totally'' comparable to the guys who dropped an atomic bomb on people, Sikorski! Truly kindred spirits, here!
* The morning of the bombing run, the base chaplain offers a prayer to Col. Paul Tibbets before the crew fly out, but Tibbets says God won't give His blessing for what's about to happen, and that he'll worry about his conscience later:
-->'''Chaplain:''' Colonel, do you know ''why'' God created the ''Devil''?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[ComicBook/OneMoreDay Because God hates Spider-Man's marriage, too.]]\\
'''Chaplain:''' Because the ''Almighty'' knew He ''needed'' someone to do the ''dirty'' work in order to ''protect'' His ''children''!\\
'''Linkara:''' I must've missed that part of ''Ecclesiastes''...
* Sikorski arrives at the FBI Buffalo Field Office, where the Special Agent in Charge informs him that Buffalo is usually where Headquarters sends its most unwanted agents:
-->'''Sikorski:''' Really? Seems rather nice around here! Didn't their ''football team'' just win a ''Super Bowl''?\\
'''Special Agent in Charge:''' Their ''third'' in a row! The quarterback has a gun for an arm!\\
'''Linkara:''' I'd actually watch football if the players shot each other with cyborg gun arms.
* Later, Sikorski drives to Particle's house, wondering why the government is so interested in her arrest:
-->'''Sikorski:''' "I was directed to ''arrest'' her, on charges that in plain English were ''nebulous'' at best..."\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[reading a document]'' She "did a bad thing" that was "very bad" and also "might have been against the law"; also, "her face is dumb, and she won't tell us where she bought her jacket".
** Sikorski works out that if the government wants her this badly, others would be after her, too:
--->'''Sikorski:''' "And if so, what ''secrets'' would I find possibly ''unlocked'' in here?"\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' My God! She knows the Colonel's eleven secret herbs and spices!
*** Sikorski is then attacked by a cyborg, but Particle saves Sikorski by overloading the cyborg's circuits, the feedback powerful enough to reach the main villain, [[PunnyName Dr. Ian Droid]], last seen in ''Sonic Super Special'' #7:
---->'''Droid:''' It's fortunate I broke the link with Thirteen before the feedback hit maximum surge-- --otherwise the console wouldn't be the only piece of equipment with fried circuits!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Droid]'' In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have plugged twenty different power cables into the same outlet...
* With the danger over, Sikorski introduces himself to Keri:
-->'''Sikorski:''' ''Julian Sikorski -- FBI!''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' [[ContinuityNod I heard you already met]] [[Series/TheXFiles Agents Mulder and Scully?]]
** Sikorski asks why Keri is wanted by the government, and where her "Particle" codename came from:
--->'''Keri:''' You're a ''government agent'', and you ''don't know''?\\
'''Sikorski:''' Contrary to ''popular'' belief, not all of us are in on the ''conspiracy''!\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S06E17TheSwordAndTheDragon Mike Nelson]]:''' ''[singing]'' I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works!
* After Keri explains her backstory, Sikorski lets her go:
-->'''Sikorski:''' You better get going! I have to call in the ''medics'' for our ''friend'' here!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' Not for the injuries, mind you; I can just tell that he has food poisoning.
** Before she leaves, Keri points out the other cyborg upstairs and tells Sikorski that she has never killed anyone, not even in self-defense:
--->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' I should've handed in my ''resignation'' right then and there.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' Although, no one else would've seen it, because I'm the only one in the house.\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' My assignment was to take ''Keri Kurosawa'' into custody-- --and I let her go just like that! How could I ''justify'' my actions?\\
'''Linkara:''' [[StatingTheSimpleSolution Well, you could... lie, I guess. Say you heard a noise, went in to investigate, and managed to knock out the two yourself, or found them knocked out already. And then you could keep investigating what this is all about? Just a thought, I guess.]]\\
'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' There were too many ''questions'' and not enough ''answers''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Sikorski]'' For example, if we're in the future, why haven't Arby's Potato Cakes been restored yet? Where's the outrage?!
*** The story ends with Sikorski realizing he never asked Keri about any leads on her family, or about the people after her:
---->'''Sikorski:''' ''[narrating]'' Maybe someday, I'd find out. Someday, but not today.\\
'''Linkara:''' [[CutShort I wouldn't put any bets on tomorrow, either, dude, since this never got a second issue.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:702: [=PATREON: Star Wars Infinities: A New Hope #1-4=]]]
* The series begins with a recap of the film up until the attack on the Death Star:
-->'''Linkara:''' And yet, no opening crawl?! How is this even related to the main series episodes if this doesn't have that?!\\
'''Captions:''' A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... ...A war raged between oppressed and oppressor. Between rebel and empire.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Between different trilogy fans.\\
'''Captions:''' A proud and noble tradition was passed into the charge of a new generation.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' And now you get to see them botch it.
** In the original film, Luke manages to guide his proton torpedoes into the Death Star's thermal exhaust port, causing it to explode and him to be celebrated as a hero of the Rebellion (along with Han and Chewie for their assistance):
--->'''Captions:''' A future made, event by event, link by link, a living chain of action, reaction... and change. Alter one event, and a new future comes to be.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' What if Chewie ''had'' received a medal during the ceremony?
* We then see history change, as Luke fires his torpedoes... only for the Death Star to remain intact:
-->'''Linkara:''' Honestly, it's probably better that way. I mean, it's pretty unbelievable that some farm boy who's never even flown in one of these things before and never used the Force would be able to blow up this massive planet-destroying weapon on his own; that's some MarySue bullcrap right there, if you ask me.\\
'''Wedge:''' Luke, check your tactical readouts!\\
'''Luke:''' One... One of the torpedoes detonated short of the reactor. How--?\\
'''Wedge:''' It happens, Luke. Power fields... Heat... Faulty chip...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' I knew we shouldn't have downloaded that service patch before we launched!\\
'''Wedge:''' Programming error.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Wedge]'' I saw Mon Mothma get drunk one time and try to run ''VideoGame/{{Doom}}'' on one of these torpedoes; this stuff happens in the Rebellion.
* Grand Moff Tarkin orders the recently damaged superlaser to fire on the Rebel base on Yavin IV, but while it manages to level the complex, most of the Rebel Command survive; Tarkin then demands that all power be diverted to the weapon:
-->'''Tarkin:''' And release every reserve fighter to intercept any Rebel ships that may get off that moon. I want ''Lord Vader'' to lead the operation personally.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' Where is Vader, anyway?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader, as the camera spins around rapidly]'' OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M GONNA THROW UP IN THIS THING! WHY DIDN'T I ANTICIPATE THIS IN THE DESIGN?! OH, GEEZ, [[Film/ThePhantomMenace THIS IS NOT PODRACING!]]
** After Yavin IV is destroyed, Luke goes berserk at the thought of his dead allies (even though they managed to escape the blast) and shoots any TIE Fighters he can find, only stopping upon hearing Obi-Wan's voice:
--->'''Obi-Wan's Voice:''' Don't give in to your ''anger''! ''Save'' yourself. Your ''destiny'' lies elsewhere!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Yeah, well, maybe my destiny should've done a better job at not making sucky torpedoes!
*** As Luke, Han, and Chewie jump to lightspeed, Leia is brought aboard the Death Star along with the other Rebels to meet with Tarkin and Vader:
---->'''Tarkin:''' Ah, Princess. Again we must extend our ''hospitality'' to you.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' We're sorry for the open sewage line near your room last time; we've comped it and are upgrading you to our executive detention cell, which features a kitchenette and hot tub.
* In issue 2, Luke is let aboard the ''Millennium Falcon'' so Artoo can be repaired:
-->'''Luke:''' Artoo spent a lot of time hooked into the ''Death Star'' computers. He might have something we can use.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Maybe we can blackmail the Death Star!
** Luke thinks they should try to destroy the station again, but Han replies that they had one shot, and they blew it; Luke then retorts that they should try to fight for the sake of those who died:
--->'''Han:''' And I don't want ''my'' name added to the list, ''okay''? I'm ''retired'' from the ''hero business''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, "retire", "let go because the store went out of business"; same thing, really.
*** The two come to blows, with Luke even drawing his lightsaber, but Obi-Wan's Force ghost appears to warn Luke against giving into his anger, which Han cannot see:
---->'''Obi-Wan:''' Your training is ''incomplete''. Now is when you are most ''vulnerable'' to its influence. Go to the ''Dagobah system''. Find ''Yoda'', the Jedi Master.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Obi-Wan]'' Tell him I'm sorry I never called, but I was depressed, I refused to help some escaped Jedi, gave up the fight entirely and waited to die; [[MythologyGag I'm sure you could never relate to that in your own future, though, Luke.]]
* We then cut to Coruscant, as Vader delivers Leia to the Emperor:
-->'''Imperial Officer:''' Welcome to Coruscant, ''Lord Vader''. And to your... ''guest''.\\
'''Leia:''' Go to ''blazes''!\\
'''Vader:''' Your sense of ''protocol'' leaves something to be desired, ''Princess''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' Just because we blew up your homeworld and crushed your efforts to stop our evil empire doesn't mean you can be rude. And honestly, using language like "blazes"? Why, if I knew your father, I'd bet he'd wash your mouth out with soap... or whatever the hell we call "soap"; probably "cleaning bricks" or something.\\
'''Vader:''' With the Rebellion vanquished, the Emperor's mood is one of ''magnanimity''.\\
'''Leia:''' I can't imagine a more ''sickening'' display of ''hypocrisy''. Though what the Empire has done to Coruscant comes close.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Hanging the flag and symbol on ''every'' building? Come on, Vader; even you have to admit that's pretty tacky!\\
'''Leia:''' Such a vulgar display of ''oppression'' and ''corruption'' suits the Emperor well.\\
'''Vader:''' I'm certain the Emperor will be interested to hear your views, Princess.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' He's actually just instituted an open-door policy for anyone who has complaints and suggestions; it's been going very well.
** Leia is then brought before Palpatine:
--->'''Palpatine:''' Ah, Alderaan... A ''lovely'' world... ''in its day''.\\
'''Leia:''' Not so lovely that you didn't hesitate for a second to order its destruction and the murder of its people.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Okay, to be fair, that was Tarkin. My idea was to blow up, like... [[Film/TheForceAwakens Jakku]] or something; [[TakeThat no one ever wants to go back there]].\\
'''Palpatine:''' But then, my ''vision'' is not clouded by ''sentim nt''. All is as I have ''foerseen'' it.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[MediumAwareness Even those weird typos you just made?]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' ''Especially'' the typos.
*** Palpatine then orders Leia to be taken to "obedience training", sensing her power in the Force; Vader senses a disturbance in the Force, but Palpatine isn't too worried:
---->'''Palpatine:''' The greatest ''triumph'' is yet to come. ...A triumph as inevitable as ''destiny''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yes, this is definitely how things were supposed to go; [[TemptingFate I can't imagine this story going any other way than how it did.]]
* Meanwhile, the ''Falcon'' arrives at Dagobah; after landing, Luke, Han, Chewie, and a repaired Artoo begin their search for Yoda:
-->'''Han:''' How do you expect to find a ''Jedi Master'' in this mess? Are we looking for the special ''Jedi Master swamp''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Well, Ben did tell me about Jedi Master Franchise/{{Shrek}}, who also lived in a swamp...\\
'''Luke:''' Don't ask me how I know, but I ''know'' we'll find him -- or he'll find ''us''.\\
'''Han:''' Why would I doubt someone who talks to ''thin air''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Dammit, Han, why do we always fight on vacations?!
** Suddenly, Yoda appears in front of them:
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Looking'' for someone, are you? ''Lost'' you appear to be?\\
'''Luke:''' We're not lost.\\
'''Han:''' We're ''not''?\\
'''Luke:''' Look, little fella, we're a little ''busy''--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Help you, I can! But only if you have breadsticks and pen lights.\\
'''Yoda:''' A strange tribe of creatures you are. Is this your ''chief''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Artwo]'' Yes! I, R2-D2, am the one in charge; I'm also the most handsome.\\
'''Yoda:''' Come! Help you find your way I will!\\
'''Luke:''' Look, we don't--\\
'''Han:''' --know where we are. ''He does.''\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, I know where you are: up crap creek without a paddle!
* Yoda brings the group into his hut for food, but Luke grows impatient:
-->'''Luke:''' We're wasting our time here! He doesn't know ''anything''!\\
'''Han:''' He's ''playing'' you, pal. Don't you get it, Luke? ''This'' guy's Yoda!\\
'''Luke:''' ''What?'' I-- ''[bonks his head on the ceiling]'' ''<urgh>'' How can you know--\\
'''Han:''' ''Takes'' a con man to ''know'' one.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Also, because I swiped his wallet when he wasn't looking.\\
'''Obi-Wan's Voice:''' Calm yourself, Luke. Listen carefully to Yoda.\\
'''Luke:''' ''Ben!'' Ben, tell him I--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Oh yeah, kid, I'm pretty sure Yoda laced the soup or something, 'cause I'm hearing voices now, too.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Tricked Dagobah's Congress to legalize it, I did!
** Yoda explains to Luke that he has already taken steps on the path to the dark side, and if he doesn't complete his training, he will become a "servant of evil":
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Train'' you I will. Train you I ''must''.\\
'''Luke:''' I won't fail you.\\
'''Yoda:''' On this the future depends.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' In retrospect, aided other Jedi who escaped [[Film/RevengeOfTheSith Order 66]] I could have, to avoid you being our only hope. ''[beat]'' Kind of an idiot, I am.
* Back on Coruscant, Vader visits Leia's apartment to give her Obi-Wan's lightsaber:
-->'''Vader:''' Can you ''feel'' it? Not like some cold blaster, but a ''living thing''. An extension of the ''spirit''. A servant of the ''will''.\\
'''[[Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000S06E20DangerDeathRay Mike Nelson]]:''' [[FreudWasRight Sure it's phallic; why wouldn't it be?]]
** Leia activates the saber and attacks Vader, who encourages her to give in to her rage; after she fails to do any damage, Vader Force pulls the lightsaber away from her:
--->'''Vader:''' You ''felt it'', didn't you? Like a hidden ''voice'', breathing ''strength'' into your spirit...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Actually, it was more like a creepy mouth-breather, to be honest...\\
'''Vader:''' You have no ''idea'' what you can yet become, Leia. The door opens.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And to quote a great Jedi, "The door's open! Let's go!"
* As Luke begins his training, Han and Chewie perform maintenance on the ''Falcon'' over two months; Han offers Luke a chance to join him, and Luke does consider whether he can do more good off-planet, but Yoda and Obi-Wan's ghost discourage him:
-->'''Obi-Wan:''' You are at the same crossroad that ''Vader'' reached. Choose as ''he'' did, and ''his'' fate will be ''yours''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Obi-Wan]'' Vader, too, preferred to hang out with his smuggler best buddy and run around with him instead of training. Plus, he had [[Characters/StarWarsAhsokaTano an apprentice I've never mentioned before]]; I wonder what she's up to these days?
* Returning to Coruscant, Vader visits Leia again, along with Threepio:
-->'''Threepio:''' Good ''afternoon'', Lord Vader! May I just say that--\\
'''Vader:''' Leave us.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' You're not my maker! You can't say that!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' But you're wrong, Threepio; ''[[LukeIAmYourFather I]]'' [[LukeIAmYourFather am your maker.]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' Oh dear! That's... That's not true! That's impossible!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' Search your circuits; you know it to be true.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Threepio]'' [[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]\\
'''Vader:''' Now is the time that an empire formed in the crucible of battle must forge a future in which war is but a fading memory.\\
'''Linkara:''' Who exactly are you at war with if the Rebellion is gone?\\
'''Vader:''' The Emperor is ''dying'', Leia.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Vader]'' And fortunately, he doesn't have, like, [[Film/TheRiseOfSkywalker a secret granddaughter or a crapton of clones that his soul jumps into or something]].
* The third issue jumps five years later as Han and Chewie are in a bar watching a news report detailing the anniversary of the Rebellion's defeat; they learn that the Emperor has allowed the formation of a new Imperial Senate, and, to their shock, the representative for Coruscant is... Princess Leia:
-->'''Leia:''' As you all know, I once led an ill-conceived, violent insurrection against the Empire, a rebellion that cost the lives of many beings.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[Film/RogueOne Especially the lives of Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor, who stole the Death Star plans.]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as an offscreen listener]'' [[VideoGame/DarkForces What about Kyle Katarn?]]\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' [[DiscontinuityNod Who?]]\\
'''Leia:''' The war is over, but its wounds are still fresh. Now, the Empire's commitment must be to ''healing'' as greatly as it was to restoring ''order''. The restoring of the Senate is the ultimate expression of the Empire's desire to bind the wounds of war.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Leia]'' Plus, we've still got that big-ass Senate chamber with the floating disks, and we really don't know what else to do with it; we were storing old arcade cabinets there.
* On Dagobah, Luke nears the end of his Jedi training, with Yoda commending him on learning patience and quieting the anger in his spirit:
-->'''Luke:''' But I am ''troubled'', Master. The ''visions'' have returned. Stronger than before.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' What is this... [[WesternAnimation/StarWarsDetours "Detours"]] that I dream of?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' [[TakeThat The domain of evil, it is.]]
** For his final test, Yoda sends Luke into the Cave of Evil once again, this time with Luke heeding his advice and handing over his lightsaber:
--->'''Yoda:''' ...A lightsaber is not your only weapon. Leave them ''all'' behind. On this ''everything'' depends...\\
'''Linkara:''' Turns out this whole thing has been a long con, and Yoda wants him to die in the cave so he can finally join the Sith.
*** As Luke finally manages to dispel the vision of Vader nonviolently, Han barges in:
---->'''Han:''' Excuse me, sir... ...but have you seen a punk kid by the name of ''Skywalker''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Oh no! ''Han'' is my true enemy according to the cave! Where's my lightsaber?!
* Later that evening, Han informs Luke that Leia is alive and under the thrall of the Empire; Luke immediately suggests going to Coruscant to rescue her:
-->'''Han:''' Look, I'm as concerned about Leia as the next guy...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' Those two hours I spent with her five years ago really meant a lot to me.\\
'''Han:''' ...but waltzing into the ''Imperial throneworld'' seems like a ''really bad idea''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Han]'' And I once tried to pretend that a rock was a thermal detonator, so I know bad ideas!
** Yoda then reveals to Luke that Vader is his father; he admits that he kept this information from him because the truth would have increased his impatience and anger, and there is still anger within him:
--->'''Yoda:''' ''Fear'' was your father's path to the ''dark side''. Unconquered, your anger to the same ''destiny'' will take you.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Well, at least I'll get a cool helmet out of it.\\
'''Yoda:''' ''All'' depends on you, Luke. You are the last of the ''Jedi Knights'', the only hope to overcome the tyranny of the Empire... ...and the evil of the Sith.\\
'''Linkara:''' Given what's going to happen later in the comic, that is a ''massive'' lie, Yoda!
*** Yoda then admits that Leia is his sister, Obi-Wan's ghost appearing to explain that they kept it secret from him to avoid the Empire ever finding out. However, they also suspect that Palpatine knew all along about Leia's connection to Vader; since Vader is incapable of succeeding him, he would accept either Vader's son or daughter as potential heirs:
---->'''Luke:''' I... I don't know what to do, Ben.\\
'''Obi-Wan:''' Let the Force speak to you, Luke. It will provide you with a path.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke, "reaching out to the Force"]'' The Force keeps telling me... I need to recruit... [[Film/TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial Bea Arthur from a bar on Tatooine]]?
* Luke and Yoda reunite with Han, who offers to take Luke to Coruscant, against his better judgment; however, Yoda declares that he'll tag along with them:
-->'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Bingo night it is at the Mos Eisley Community Center, and another commitment my ride has.
* We cut back to Coruscant, where we learn that the Death Star has been rechristened the "Justice Star":
-->'''Linkara:''' Which is, like, one step from calling it the "Peace Moon" like in ''Webcomic/DarthsAndDroids''.
** After Leia and Threepio leave Vader, Palpatine arrives and talks to him, saying he's pleased with how powerful she's becoming:
--->'''Palpatine:''' You, however, seem ''conflicted'', apprentice.\\
'''Vader:''' I sense... a ''disturbance'' in the Force, my master.\\
'''Palpatine:''' What you sense is the ''destiny'' I have put in motion. The ''extinguishing'' of the Jedi flame.\\
'''Linkara:''' I don't know, man; "disturbance" in the big energy field surrounding everything is usually not code for "everything's going to plan".
* The final issue begins with the ''Falcon'' dropping out of hyperspace upon reaching Coruscant... right in the middle of a massive Imperial fleet; understandably, Han doesn't have much confidence:
-->'''Han:''' Look, I know the ''Force'' is with you guys, but... are you sure the Force is ''really'' with you?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Eh, the Force is kind of playing it by ear, seeing which way the wind blows.
** After the ''Falcon'' lands aboard the Justice Star, Yoda and Artoo brazenly walk out to meet the squad of stormtroopers waiting for them:
--->'''Yoda:''' Pleased I am to see you. For meeting us, I thank you. ''Expects'' us does Admiral Tarkin.\\
'''Stormtrooper:''' ''Expects'' them does Admiral Tarkin.\\
'''Yoda:''' Important business we have.\\
'''Stormtrooper:''' Important business they have.\\
'''Linkara:''' You think Vader ever does this? Like, he gets bored and just makes the stormtroopers do goofy things and repeat what he's saying in silly voices?
*** Thanks to Yoda, Han, Chewie, and Luke are in the clear:
---->'''Han:''' Boy, I could get ''used'' to this Force stuff! Say, I know a nice ''casino'' on Nar Shaddaa...\\
'''Linkara:''' Cheating in gambling: this ''is'' how the Force works!
* As the others land on Coruscant, Yoda arrives at Tarkin's quarters:
-->'''Tarkin:''' How ''dare'' you enter my quarters without-- --''<urgh>''...\\
'''Yoda:''' A long time it has been. Much ''younger'' were we in the days of the Republic, hm? ''Important'' you have become. Sufficient payment for your ''soul'', I would hope.\\
'''Tarkin:''' ''hrnn.''\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' I would attempt to justify myself, Master Yoda... but it seems my slippers are a bit tight...!\\
'''Yoda:''' A ''tour'' of your vessel I desire. A demonstration of its ''power'' I would see.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Tarkin]'' You... didn't have to do this, you know... There's an official tourism section next to the gift shop!
* After fighting off members of the Emperor's Royal Guard, Han and Luke find Threepio and follow him to Leia... where she waits for them alongside Vader and Palpatine:
-->'''Palpatine:''' Greetings, young ''Skywalker''. I have waited a long time to meet you. How fitting that you came before us as a ''Jedi''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' I was kind of expecting to fight a moisture farmer; this works a lot better.\\
'''Palpatine:''' ''Destiny'' has brought you to this moment, Jedi. A destiny I have crafted over many years.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yes, it was totally my plan to have Vader's kids show up even though I didn't know they were even alive. Look at me; master strategist here! [[RunningGag I'm a magnificent bastard,]] ''[[RunningGag and you read my book!]]''
* While Luke and Leia duel, Yoda uses the Justice Star's superlaser to take out the Imperial fleet:
-->'''Yoda:''' A most impressive toy, Admiral. Intended for this use it was not, hmm?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Wars not make one great, BUT FUN SURE AS HELL THEY ARE!!
* Luke and Leia's duel ends with Luke managing to break through to Leia; together, the two Skywalkers face down the Emperor:
-->'''Luke:''' Leia is a ''Skywalker''... Like our ''father''... Like the noble line of Jedi stretching over a thousand generations.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Luke]'' Jedi like... ''[uncomfortable pause]'' uh... ''[another uncomfortable pause]'' Wow, I just realized that in five years, Yoda never actually told me about any of the other Jedi.
* Palpatine inflicts Force lightning on the two, but Vader gets in the way, allowing them to escape; naturally, he is quickly overpowered by the Emperor:
-->'''Palpatine:''' You ''fool''... Did you really think this would ''change'' anything?\\
'''Yoda:''' ''[over the screen]'' ''Life'' is change... Your ''Excellency''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' For instance, [[BringMyBrownPants change to your brown pants you should]].\\
'''Palpatine:''' ''Yoda!'' Well, you've had a ''busy day''. Don't think your little ''mission'' will deter me or this empire. Your pitiful powers are ''nothing'' compared to the ''dark side''.\\
'''Yoda:''' ''[over the screen]'' Save your ''fleet'' the dark side did ''not''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Palpatine]'' Yeah, well... Like, I-I'll just have a secret Sith army building a fleet of Death Stars on Exegol! ''[beat]'' Yeah, beat that.
** And then there's Linkara's reaction to what comes next:
---> '''Palpatine:''' By now, the Death Star's weapon systems have been disabled by my troops. It's only a matter of time before you and your young charges are in my custody. Why delay the inevitable? [[BringIt Come down here and]] ''[[BringIt face me]]''[[BringIt , Jedi!]]\\
'''Yoda:''' [[PreMortemOneLiner Coming to see you I am.]] ''[[PreMortemOneLiner Now.]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' And, yep! As our heroes escape on the ''Millennium Falcon''... '''''[[ColonyDrop YODA BRINGS THE DEATH STAR CRASHING DOWN INTO CORUSCANT,]] [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill RIGHT ON TOP OF THE EMPEROR!!!]]''''' ''[grins, then inhales sharply and claps his hands together]'' WELP... ''[[RapidFireComedy HERE WE GO!!]]''\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, size matters not, according to Yoda, unless he wants to drop the Death Star right on Palpatine's face!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Yoda]'' Remember how Senate disks you threw at me? This time, something bigger have I to throw.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey Vader, remember when you said not to be impressed by the Death Star compared to the Force? Think you may need to make some re-evaluations.\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, I guess it did live up to the name "Justice Star", given Palpatine's own body count.\\
'''Linkara:''' Not sure I like the Jedi version of billiards...\\
'''Linkara:''' Sooo, everyone on Coruscant is dead, right? Even if it didn't explode right after the collision (which it did), the gravitational forces would've ripped Coruscant to shreds when it's that close, right?\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey Yoda, what was that about the Jedi never using their abilities to attack?\\
'''Linkara:''' This wasn't even Yoda's original plan; he just got drunk on Tarkin's whiskey and had to improvise!\\
'''Linkara:''' I kinda just want it to start rolling around the planet; just, like, add insult to injury.\\
'''Linkara:''' Gotta imagine this was in the Death Star plans; in the event of the weapon being disabled, just set a collision course and watch the fun.\\
'''Linkara:''' So, did Yoda explain to Luke and Han this plan? Like, did he directly tell them, "Take over the Death Star myself I will, and then play 'bowling at Palpatine'!"?\\
'''Linkara:''' You think this ever happened in the last five years? Like, the guy driving the Death Star got distracted and accidentally slammed it right into Naboo?\\
'''Linkara:''' The weird thing is that the insurance actually covers this.\\
'''Linkara:''' Welp, I see we have our explanation for why, in ''The Force Awakens'', Coruscant isn't the capital world anymore!\\
'''Linkara:''' And finally...\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey-hey, I think this is how ''WebVideo/ToBoldlyFlee'' ended, too! Haha... ''[beat]'' Oh, my God, that was ten years ago... ''[the music cuts out as Linkara stares in horror]''
*** Han has only this to say when staring back at the carnage:
---->'''Han:''' Man, that's some light show...\\
'''[[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Wakka]]:''' Boom! Hahaha! Like happy festival fireworks, ya?\\
'''Luke:''' The Force will be with you, Master... always.\\
'''Linkara:''' ALTHOUGH, APPARENTLY, NOT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE DOWN THERE!
* A few years later, as Leia becomes the Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic on Naboo, Threepio bemoans that Artoo can't be here to witness this event... until Artoo shows up in a new body, with Han explaining that his memories were copied onto the ''Falcon''[='s=] computer before going with Yoda:
-->'''Linkara:''' Betting that a lot of people that day wish they had that option...
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Linkara:''' [[Memes/RevengeOfTheSith Have I ever told you the Tragedy of Darth Sidious the Squished?]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:703: [=PATREON: Transformers: Deviations #1=]]]
* Linkara brings up why ''WesternAnimation/TheTransformersTheMovie'' is so infamous among ''Transformers'' fans -- [[MerchandiseDriven to make way for a new line of toys]], [[CharactersDroppingLikeFlies a number of fan-favorite characters were mercilessly and brutally killed off]]... including Optimus Prime, traumatizing legions of children across the globe:
-->'''Linkara:''' BUT DON'T THINK THAT HURTING ROBOTS CAN'T AFFECT YOU WELL INTO ADULTHOOD! ''[holds up a figure of [[Film/ShortCircuit Johnny 5]]]'' I'VE BEEN 3D-PRINTING THIS JOHNNY 5 TOY, AND I KEEP HAVING FLASHBACKS TO WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN ''SHORT CIRCUIT 2''! WHY DIDN'T LOS LOCOS COME AND HELP HIM, DAMMIT?! WHY WON'T SOMEONE HELP HIM?! ''[grabs the camera and shakes it]'' ''SOMEONE ANSWER ME! ANS''-- ''[cuts to a "WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties" card, then returns to Linkara using a [[Franchise/{{Whoniverse}} sonic screwdriver]] on robot parts]'' Must keep building robots... Must help Johnny 5... I-- ''[snaps out of it]'' Uh, w-what I mean to say is that, uh, yeah, we joke about it nowadays, but killing off Optimus Prime was a big fricking deal.
* The issue begins with a recap of the events of the film, featuring panels from the comic adaptation created for the film's 20th anniversary:
-->'''Blurb:''' WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...\\
'''[[Film/{{Clue}} Title Card]]:''' But here's what really happened.\\
'''Blurb:''' In the future of 2005, Megatron's Decepticons launch an all-out attack on Autobot City on Earth...\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh yeah, I remember that; ended up delaying the release of ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith'' by a few days.\\
'''Blurb:''' Hot Rod's distraction creates the opportunity for Megatron... who kills Optimus Prime.\\
'''[[Series/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy1981 Narrator]]:''' This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.\\
'''Blurb:''' But Megatron himself is left for dead in space, where he meets the planet-eater called Unicron.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the blurb]'' It turned out to be a very fun [[MeetCute meet-cute]].\\
'''Blurb:''' As Unicron moves on Cybertron, Hot Rod uses the Autobot Matrix of Leadership...\\
'''Linkara:''' And... nothing, I guess; I suppose if you weren't familiar with the story, then you're just supposed to infer something good happened. Then again, why would you be picking this up if you weren't already familiar with this story?\\
'''Blurb:''' Today, we will explore a world where things happened differently. In a world... where Optimus Prime never died!\\
'''[[Film/{{Clue}} Title Card]]:''' That's how it could have happened. But how about this?
* The story proper starts during the attack on Autobot City at the beginning of the film, as Optimus runs down a horde of Decepticons:
-->'''Captions:''' There's a theory of quantum realities, a concept of infinite possibility where anything that ''can'' happen, ''does'' happen somewhere in the multiverse.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Like, what if yarn was pudding?\\
'''Captions:''' A single decision can change the fate of the universe. A simple turn to the left can avert catastrophe while a right turn can trigger an apocalypse.\\
'''Linkara:''' Hey, I know what you're alluding to, but ''Doctor Who''[='s=] 60th anniversary is ''next'' year; we'll save the references for that.\\
'''Captions:''' In this world, in this moment, a tragedy of galactic proportions is about to unfurl.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the captions]'' Instead of "The Touch" playing, it's the Music/{{Divinyls}}' "I Touch Myself".
** Eventually, Optimus makes his way to Megatron:
--->'''Optimus:''' One shall stand, one shall fall.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean... they actually both ended up falling; just saying.\\
'''Megatron:''' Why throw away your life so recklessly?\\
'''Optimus:''' That's a question you should ask yourself, ''Megatron''.\\
'''Linkara:''' The more badass way of saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
* In the original film, Optimus manages to beat Megatron, causing the villain to beg for mercy as he tries to reach a gun in the rubble; thanks to Hot Rod's interruption, Megatron grabs him as a shield, allowing him to inflict Optimus' infamous mortal wound. This time, however, Kup grabs Hot Rod, allowing Megatron to reach the gun and shoot at Optimus... but he misses, and Optimus wastes no time [[BoomHeadshot blasting his arch-nemesis' head off]]:
-->'''Captions:''' And with that, this quantum reality spirals in a new, unforeseen direction.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, especially since Megatron can't see anything anymore.\\
'''Optimus:''' 'Til all are one...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Or until all the Decepticons get their heads shot off; either way, really.\\
'''Linkara:''' This is a weird way of incorporating ''[[Anime/TransformersHeadmasters Headmasters]]'' into this book...
** With Megatron's demise, the tide of the battle turns in favor of the Autobots, forcing the Decepticons to retreat, but not before Starscream grabs Megatron's fusion cannon:
--->'''Starscream:''' ''Astrotrain!'' Prepare to launch once all are aboard!\\
'''Soundwave:''' WHERE'S MEGATRON?\\
'''Starscream:''' Megatron has ''fallen''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Starscream]'' And, well, you know how this song goes!\\
'''Starscream:''' ''[showing the fusion cannon]'' I suppose ''this'' is all the proof I need? In the meantime... I nominate myself as the ''new leader'' of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.\\
'''Linkara:''' ...And apparently, no such challenge happens as Astrotrain takes off. I'm not sure why it'd make a difference. Starscream admitted Optimus killed him and he nominated himself as leader in the movie, too; it just happened a little later. Is everyone just really tired and doesn't feel like doing it, whereas they were a bit more rested in the movie? And I sincerely doubt that's the case, because, of course, my man Soundwave doesn't get tired.\\
'''[[WesternAnimation/TheTransformers Soundwave]]:''' SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR.
* In the meantime, the Autobots gather their dead and begin to clean up Autobot City:
-->'''Optimus:''' We've earned a brief respite from the turmoil. Yet, this victory means little in the scope of the ''unfathomable loss'' before us. The price for peace has become too high. The time has come to end the ''Cybertronian Wars'' once and for all.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' As such, we surrender.
** Hot Rod and Ultra Magnus begin to argue about the battle, but Optimus breaks it up:
--->'''Optimus:''' Take a good look at your fallen brothers. They made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could one day reclaim Cybertron. Chirping at each other like malfunctioning scrap droids is no way to honor their memory.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Let's get them [[PaletteSwap repainted and redecoed under new names for re-release]]... as Primus dictates.
*** Hot Rod offers a few parting words for his fallen comrades:
---->'''Hot Rod:''' They've found an eternal resting place within the Matrix of Leadership. Their heroism will echo through space and time... 'Til all are one.\\
'''Linkara:''' ...And Kup hits him over that remark.\\
'''Kup:''' It's not wise to speak of the Matrix in blasphemous tones.\\
'''Linkara:''' The hell was so blasphemous about what he said? Or did he say it really sarcastically, and it's like, "Oooh, their heroism will echo through space and time~! Look at the cool Matrix of Leadership~!"?
* We cut to Cybertron as Starscream goes through with the coronation ceremony... which is interrupted by Unicron's arrival:
-->'''Soundwave:''' AS OUR NEW LEADER YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE FOR CYBERTRON ON ALL MATTERS EXTRATERRESTRIAL.\\
'''Starscream:''' But--\\
'''Soundwave:''' THE RULES ARE EXPLICIT.\\
'''Linkara:''' I am 99% certain Soundwave made that up to just force him to do it; Megatron would've just done it because he's the "hands-on" type for these sort of situations.\\
'''Starscream:''' Uncharismatic bore... Transforms into a cassette player. What's his value anyway?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[[[TranquilFury gives an extremely angry face while holding a Soundwave toy]]]''\\
'''Soundwave:''' ALL TALK, NO SHOCK.
** Starscream meets with Unicron, who tells him to serve or die:
--->'''Unicron:''' You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing... the ''only'' thing... that can stand in my way.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Unicron]'' It's a good thing I'm telling you this, Starscream; you seem to be someone loyal and trustworthy enough to have this information.
*** Starscream agrees, and asks Unicron to grant him one request in return:
---->'''Starscream:''' Unicron, your power appears limitless. To defeat Optimus Prime and his forces, I need to be reformatted into a stronger Decepticon.\\
'''Linkara:''' Making a lot of assumptions there, Starscream; all you know about him so far is that he's really big and voiced by Creator/OrsonWelles. ''[beat]'' Or could Orson Welles always do that, and that's where the assumption comes from?
* Back aboard the shuttle to Moonbase-Two, Hot Rod and Daniel have a converasation, with Hot Rod feeling sad because he wanted to help Optimus, but feels like every decision he's made is the wrong one; Daniel tries to comfort Hot Rod by proclaiming he's his best friend:
-->'''Hot Rod:''' Thanks, Daniel -- that means a lot to me. May I ask you a question?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' Do you ever feel... you know, not so fresh?\\
'''Hot Rod:''' Humans often have images flood into their heads at random times, correct?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Daniel]'' Yeah, but Dad tells me to ignore the ones that say I should put magnets on you guys.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' I keep having daydreams of Optimus dying. Whenever I get close to him, the images get stronger. Like the Matrix is trying to tell me something.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' Like it's trying to contrive the actual movie into this what-if tale for no good reason, when the entire idea is to explore how things would go if it hadn't happened.
** Magnus then comes over to chew out Hot Rod for no good reason:
--->'''Magnus:''' Maybe the Matrix is trying to point out traitors in our midst?\\
'''Linkara:''' Ultra M-Asshole.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' "Traitor"? How dare you accuse me--\\
'''Magnus:''' Sitting around fantasizing about the death of our leader is mutinous!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Magnus]'' Time for me to police thoughtcrimes; I'm glad the Autobots are the good guys.
* Suddenly, the shuttles are attacked by an upgraded Starscream:
-->'''Megascream:''' I, ''Megascream'', will shred every Autobot until your stain is wiped clean from the universe!\\
'''Linkara:''' So if Creator/LeonardNimoy had voiced Galvatron in the original movie, who voices Megascream here? Creator/GeorgeTakei?
** As Megascream prepares to fire on Optimus' shuttle, Soundwave informs him that Unicron is devouring one of Cybertron's moons:
--->'''Megascream:''' ''No!'' Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Megascream]'' I was going to eat that!
* As the Decepticons head back to base, Optimus discovers that Moonbase-One has been destroyed:
-->'''Kup:''' Reminds me of the battle on Betamax-Nine when the ''Veechezez'' used the dirty tactic of detonating a moon to cover their escape.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Batman]'' Huh, I suddenly feel irrationally angry for no reason...
** Thanks to Hot Rod's stunt during the attack, Magnus' shuttle has been pushed into the next quadrant, which contains nothing of interest except magnetic storms and the trash planet Junkion:
--->'''Grimlock:''' Me Grimlock say we find our friends and then bash Decepticons into their turbo chargers.\\
'''Optimus:''' For once, I can't argue with your logic.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' [[MythologyGag Perhaps you should be leader of the Autobots, Grimlock; you seem to have good ideas.]]
*** Their own shuttle's navigation system has taken some hits during the battle, however, so they decide to touch down on a nearby planetoid for repairs:
---->'''Optimus:''' There's something... ''familiar'' about that place.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Oh, Primus; I think that's the place where I took that vacation, and might have married, like, two different people in the same weekend...\\
'''Optimus:''' What a strange world. I've seen many planets in my travels, but nothing so twisted and foreboding.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yes, nothing says "twisted and foreboding" quite like... green rocks and orange water. ''[beat]'' Optimus, maybe you haven't seen quite as much as you think you have?
* As it turns out, the planet Optimus' team has landed on is the one in the movie where the Quintessons and the Sharkticons were found; as in the movie, as the Sharkticons approach, Kup tries to communicate with them using the universal greeting:
-->'''Kup:''' Bah-weep-Graaaagnah-wheep-ni-ni-bong.\\
'''Linkara:''' Unfortunately, in their language, that means, "Eat me; I'm a [[WesternAnimation/ChallengeOfTheGoBots GoBot]]."
* Back on Cybertron, Megascream demands Unicron explain why he's attacking them, since this wasn't part of the deal:
-->'''Unicron:''' I have grown tired of your whining. For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet of Cybertron. But now... you shall witness its dismemberment!\\
'''Linkara:''' Wow, Starscream; you managed to piss him off so much that he's not even bothering to torture you into obeying, and then sending you back out to get the Matrix like he did Galvatron. What the hell were you telling him when he was giving you a new body? ''[beat]'' Wait... Were you complaining about Soundwave? Is Unicron as big a Soundwave fan as I am?
* We then cut back to Hot Rod and Daniel after their shuttle is destroyed, along with everyone else on it; Hot Rod is naturally despondent about his role in his fellow Autobots' deaths, but Daniel reminds him of what he said earlier about their heroism echoing within the Matrix:
-->'''Daniel:''' Then their sacrifice ''means'' something. I don't know why yet, but there's a reason Ultra Magnus wanted you to survive.\\
'''Linkara:''' Ehh, it was less Hot Rod that he wanted to survive and more you, Daniel. Though, at this rate, I wouldn't put your chances for living through the rest of this much higher.
** They soon spot the other shuttle approaching:
--->'''Hot Rod:''' Optimus.\\
'''Daniel:''' They've come to rescue us!\\
'''Hot Rod:''' Yeah...\\
'''[[VideoGame/ResidentEvil1 Enrico Marini]]:''' Yeah.\\
'''Hot Rod:''' ...Somehow, I don't feel like I deserve to leave this graveyard of garbage.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Hot Rod]'' At least, not until the [[Music/WeirdAlYankovic "Weird Al"]] song starts playing. "Hardware Store", maybe?
*** The Autobots reunite, but Hot Rod still feels guilty about his compatriots' deaths:
---->'''Optimus:''' The ways of the Matrix are mysterious. I mourn the loss of my friends, but this war needs to end, and we cannot fall victim to sorrow, no matter how natural it comes to us.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Gotta be honest, as soon as this is over, we're going to just start blubbering like a baby over Ironhide and the others; today kinda sucks.
* Optimus goes alone to Cybertron to confront Unicron, only to be met by Megascream, who combines with the other Decepticons into a larger form:
-->'''Linkara:''' It really does say something that every time Starscream gets some source of major power, he grows bigger, like [[CompensatingForSomething he eternally needs to compensate for his tiny null ray]].
** Fortunately, Hot Rod appears in the nick of time to get Optimus to safety, sacrificing himself by unleashing the power of the Matrix on Megascream, the other Decepticons, and Unicron; Optimus honors his deeds in a speech:
--->'''Optimus:''' Let this mark the end of the ''Cybertronian Wars'' as we march forth to a new age of peace and prosperity. And let us never forget the tremendous sacrifice of ''Hot Rod'' and the wisdom within the ''Matrix''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' Screw Ultra Magnus, though; he was kind of a dick.\\
'''Optimus:''' Remember our comrades and honor them in the years to come as our ''darkest hour'' has become a ''sliver'' of ''history''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Optimus]'' [[TemptingFate It's a good thing there won't be anything waiting for us in the years to come, like Headmasters, or a hate plague, or Starscream's ghost, or the Quintessons, or the guy who created Unicron unleashing anything else on us.]] ''[beat]'' Just a sliver of history.
*** Optimus looks up to see visions of Alpha Trion and Rodimus Prime:
---->'''Linkara:''' Oh hey, they became Force ghosts, too, [[ContinuityNod just like in the last comic]].
* The issue ends with some final bits of narration:
-->'''Captions:''' In the realm of quantum realities, any number of deviations can occur. A single decision can change the fate of the universe.\\
'''Linkara:''' I mean... things were largely unchanged, frankly; sure, who died and who lived is different, but Unicron still got blowed up and the Decepticons are scattered to the wind just like in the original movie.\\
'''Captions:''' Heroes die, enemies are born, faith expands, old hatreds last forever... ...and the ultimate reward of eternal peace is bestowed upon those willing to ''stand against'' the ''forces'' of ''darkness''.\\
'''Linkara:''' Pretty sure ''all'' the Autobots were doing that, but a bunch of them just died.
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Starscream:''' In the meantime... I nominate myself as the ''new leader'' of the Decepticons. Unless, of course, anyone chooses to challenge me for the crown.\\
'''[[Anime/TransformersHeadmasters Sixshot]]:''' I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:704: [=PATREON: Legion of Super-Heroes Vol. 4 #0 and Legionnaires #0=]]]
* ''Legion of Super-Heroes'' #0 begins with three siblings -- Garth, Mekt, and Ayla Ranzz -- flying through space on a joyride:
-->'''Garth:''' ''Awright!'' Pour it on, bro'! ''Yah-hoo!''\\
'''Mekt:''' Taught ''that'' comet a thing or two about speed, didn't we?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mekt]'' Pretty sure that comet [[FlippingTheBird gave us the finger]] as we passed it, too...\\
'''Mekt:''' Nothing like ''cutting loose'' and being ''free''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mekt]'' Free to show those stupid comets who's ''really'' the fastest! I have sensible life goals!
** This is actually part of a memory dream for Garth reminding him of how he got his lightning powers three years ago, and he wakes in his bed with a start:
--->'''Garth:''' ''[thinking]'' Oh, ''man''... ''Three years'', and ''still'' it keeps knocking at my ''dreams''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Garth]'' [[Main/NotWearingPantsDream At least this time, we all had clothes on...]]
* Meanwhile, some reporters try to interview Rokk Krinn, champion of the Magnoball Cosmic Games, in a spaceport:
-->'''Reporter:''' The ''Internet'' has nicknamed you "Cosmic Boy"!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the reporter]'' Which I am now being told is the 30th century equivalent of being called a "woke SJW cuck soy boy", as well as several slurs.
** One reporter asks Rokk about a supposed debt he has, and another asks for a demonstration of his Braalian magnetic powers... so Rokk complies by lifting the reporter into the air by his belt:
--->'''Linkara:''' [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome And now the debt includes money from the resulting lawsuit!]]
*** Rokk looks at his shuttle's itinerary and notices that one of its stops is the moon Titan, which is surprising considering Braal and Titan's rocky relationship; he chalks it up to the new United Planets group having a positive effect on galactic unity:
---->'''Linkara:''' Whereas I see it as, "Yeah, it's the cheapest route, and I'm sure they'll only shoot off a few bits of the ship as we head down."
* On Titan, a girl named Imra Ardeen, an interrogator for a law enforcement agency, uses her telepathy to investigate a few suspects regarding the theft of some jewels; Imra lets them go... but finds out the owner of the jewels planned to sell them on the black market to a known criminal, and has her arrested:
-->'''Linkara:''' Ah, telepathy, the "'Right to privacy'? Pah!" superpower.
** Imra gets congratulated on a job well done, and is told that she's earned the right to join the agency in the future, known as the "Science Police":
--->'''Linkara:''' It's always been a weird title to me; it just makes me envision cops throwing test tubes at people. ''[aside]'' The SWAT team uses flasks, instead.
* Back on the shuttle, Rokk and Garth meet each other for the first time, where Garth explains that he's heading to Earth to find his missing brother; the conversation is interrupted by the arrival of R.J. Brande, the richest man in the galaxy:
-->'''Brande:''' ''No'', no! No special ''treatment'' for ''this'' old man! Today, I'm ''just'' a ''passenger''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Richest man in the cosmos, and he still has to fly coach.\\
'''Rokk:''' The whole ''United Planets'' project depends on him! They say he's the ''only man alive'' who knows the ''secret'' of ''Stargate technology''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Eh, it's not that complicated: [[Franchise/StargateVerse Naquadah, seven symbols with the last being the departure point, Dial Home Device]], having Creator/RichardDeanAnderson around... Also, the secret's going to turn out to be garlic powder. Also also, he's the only one? Well, screw all the engineers and people who build them, I guess. Also also also, he's that important, why is he on a commercial flight, and not on some privately-owned secure transport to keep him safe?\\
'''Garth:''' Without ''Brande'', we'd still be bankrupting ''entire worlds'' for ''warpspeed fuel''-- --instead of ''jumping'' light-years at the shift of a ''relay''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Garth]'' [[AsYouKnow It's a good thing we both know who it is, or else it'd be weird that we're giving exposition to each other!]]
* After the shuttle arrives in Metropolis, Imra spots a group of suspicious maintenance workers, who are revealed to be assassins out to eliminate Brande; before the would-be killers can fire their weapons, Rokk uses his magnetism to lift the guns out of their hands, and Garth zaps them with lightning:
-->'''Rokk:''' ''[thinking]'' Well, what do you ''know''? ''Red'' here is a real ''live wire''!\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, Rokk here is a real cosmic boy, a-- Wait...\\
'''Imra:''' Hey! ''Hey!'' Don't let me ''interrupt'' all those ''good thoughts''... ...but do you suppose you ''boys'' could ''ditch'' the mutual ''strokefest'' long enough to actually ''catch the bad guys''?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Imra]'' Thinking your friend is cool? ''[scoffs]'' Stop jerking each other off, ''boys''! This is the 90's; we're supposed to all be assholes to one another!
** After the attempt on his life is foiled, and impressed with what the three teenagers could do, Brande meets with the President of Earth and says he has a proposal for her:
--->'''President:''' ''Splendid!'' I always ''wondered'' when you'd finally sell your secrets! With ''Earthgov'' privy to Stargate tech, we can open--\\
'''Brande:''' Oh-''ho''! Nice ''try'', Madame-- but the ''Stargates'' are this old man's ''only hole card''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Tell the Goa'uld I won't let them have Stargate technology until they free the Jaffa.
*** Actually, his idea is an organization that can promote galactic unity, shared tech, common alliance, and so on:
---->'''President:''' Tell me ''more''. Earthgov ''always'' listens to R.J. Brande. Even his ''wildest'' ideas are fun to hear.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Well, I was thinking we could glue live squirrels to the sides of our heads.
* During Brande's first meeting with Garth, Imra, and Rokk, he turns on a hologram of Superman:
-->'''Rokk:''' Even the ''Braalians'' heave heard of the legendary ''Man'' of ''Steel''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Rokk]'' Did you know he was King of Atlantis for a while? And also that Atlantis was in the Pacific Ocean?\\
'''Linkara:''' And then a hologram of Batman.\\
'''Imra:''' Another twentieth-century champion.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Imra]'' He died after trying to blow up a VHS tape factory; never made it to the 21st century to see [=DVDs=] eventually supplant them. Real shame.
** After more holograms of heroes are turned on, Rokk comments that it's nice that someone remembers their legacy, and they don't have people like them anymore:
--->'''Brande:''' ''Precisely''. So what can we ''do'' about that?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' I've bought the rights to them, and I'm going to start printing them in a new reboot.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Rokk]'' Isn't it a thousand years in the future? Haven't they fallen into the public domain?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Ha! You're funny; you think corporations were ever going to let that happen?
*** Brande then lays out his proposal for the three to officially form a team, with his resources and financial backing, working as superheroes and helping people:
---->'''Brande:''' ''Join me''. I don't know what'll ''happen''. Maybe we'll all walk ''away'' from this in three months. Maybe it won't ''work out''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' Maybe we'll get another reboot in ten years; who can say?
* ''Legionnaires'' #0 opens with a commercial for Garth, Imra, and Rokk -- now going by "Live Wire", "Saturn Girl", and "Cosmic Boy", respectively -- operating as the Legion:
-->'''Narrator:''' Gathered together from all corners of the galaxy to personify the unity of our universe--\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the narrator]'' Or, at least, the Caucasian parts of it...\\
'''Narrator:''' '''''--the Legion of Super-Heroes!''''' Representing the brave and good of the citizens in our galaxy, the Legion stands ready to protect and serve all the worlds of the United Planets.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the narrator]'' And you can, too, by buying the official Legion of Super-Heroes merchandise!
** Garth asks Brande why he wasn't given his planned name of "Lightning Lad":
--->'''Brande:''' Marketing thought "Live Wire" was a ''fresher'', more ''noticeable'' name, son...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' They're also looking to get a Mountain Dew sponsorship for you.
* Meanwhile, the villain of the arc introduced in the previous issue, Lord Doyle, monologues to some terrorists he hired about how the very idea of the galaxy joining together is a terrible one:
-->'''Doyle:''' First his damn ''Stargates''. Now this "Legion" he's developing!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Doyle]'' Next, he'll be figuring out how to activate the eighth and ninth chevrons!\\
''[beat]''\\
'''Linkara:''' Okay, last ''Stargate'' joke, I promise.\\
'''Doyle:''' Have all the preparations been made for the conference?\\
'''Terrorist:''' Yes, sir. Everything's taken care of.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the terrorist]'' [[TakeThat The hors d'oeuvres are being catered by Hardee's! There can be no peace after that!]]\\
'''Doyle:''' In one shot, the hope of a unified galaxy, Brande, and his three little ''pets'' will be ''destroyed''.\\
'''Linkara:''' He's after his cats?!\\
'''Doyle:''' Now, ''go''! Make sure all of our guests ''stay'' for the festivities.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Doyle]'' I'm just going to sit here and stare at my ''Film/{{Phantasm}}'' orb.
* At the conference, Brande introduces the Legion, complete with their new uniforms:
-->'''President:''' ''[whispering]'' Brande, those uniforms...\\
'''Brande:''' ''[whispering]'' --look ''much'' better than the first set. I agree, Madame President.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' I admit, I wish that they still said "Made by R.J. Brande" on the back, but still; can't argue with fashion.
** The heroes successfully stop a bomb from destroying the United Planets building, and Saturn Girl manages to identify two of the terrorists:
--->'''Saturn Girl:''' ''--There!'' Those two are responsible for locking the doors!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Saturn Girl]'' And they were going to be in here when the bomb goes off, so they were idiots.
* The Legion gives chase, passing by a neon sign advertising a three-breasted alien from Eroticon 6:
-->'''Linkara:''' It's also a bar and grill, which I imagine is the real selling point for customers.
** They apprehend one of the terrorists, but Saturn Girl loses track of the other one:
--->'''Saturn Girl:''' We'll have to seatch each building.\\
'''Linkara:''' Yeah, it's not like there are... dozens of buildings all around you; great plan, Saturn Girl!\\
'''Gen. Patton:''' [[RunningGag Magnificent bastard, I read your book!]]
* The next day, following the terrorists' capture, the Legion of Super-Heroes, now with Apparition and Triad added to their roster, gets full approval by the United Planets, but Brande still feels regret for what happened:
-->'''Brande:''' ''Damn''... She was a ''great'' assistant.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Brande]'' But for some reason, they wouldn't let us name her "Secretary Girl".
** The President says the Legion is already popular, but their standing will increase even more after their first mission:
--->'''President:''' We need them to do something more ''galactic''. Something the media can ''play'' with.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' You know, something that'll really get the media to misinterpret what's happening!
*** Brande is furious at this, and storms out of the President's office saying he won't let her use the Legion as a P.R. tool, and their neither strong nor ready enough for any real missions; unbeknownst to Brande, the President actually agrees with his sentiments:
---->'''President:''' Javan, get me in touch with the Science Police...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' It's time to finally arrest the evil clone of [[Series/BillNyeTheScienceGuy Bill Nye]].\\
'''President:''' But first, take a memo...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the President]'' "R.J. Brande, do you like me?" Then make two boxes with a "Y" over one and an "N" for the other.
* On Mars, Gim Allon, later identified as "Leviathan", is congratulated by his fellow officers in the Science Police for an arrest he recently made:
-->'''Officer:''' Guy's wall-crawlin' ''40 meters'' up the side of a building... when the ''big'' man here ''reaches up'' and ''taps'' him on the ''shoulder''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the officer]'' Dude said that he was from the "Marvel Universe", and that somehow, he teleported here? Yeah, that kook is gonna be in a cell for a ''looooong'' time.
** Suddenly, Allon is handed a message:
--->'''Officer:''' Whaddaya ''got'' there, pal? Your ''promotion''?\\
'''Allon:''' Huh! Something a lot more ''interesting'', actually...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Allon]'' Somehow, Steve was able to get Android working on this iPad without needing to jailbreak it!
* Another message is delivered to the home of Lyle Norg, later known as "Invisible Kid":
-->'''Female Officer:''' ''[whispering]'' This ''Norg'' fella must be doing awfully ''well'' for himself. Where does the ''money'' come from...?\\
'''Norg:''' ''[suddenly appearing behind the officer]'' Oh, I did Earthgov a couple of favors...\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Norg]'' I'm ''really'' good at deleting search history.
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Female Officer:''' How ''dare'' you sneak ''up'' on me like that?\\
'''Norg:''' Sorry. Old ''habit''.\\
'''Female Officer:''' ''<sigh>'' Is your ''dad'' home?\\
'''Norg:''' ''Dad?'' You're looking for ''Lyle Norg'', right? Well, baby... Look no ''further''...!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Norg]'' He's that houseplant over there; he's a shapeshifter.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:705: [=Mr. T and the T-Force #7=]]]
* Linkara looks over the issue's cover, which shows Mr. T being attacked by what appears to be child-sized ninjas:
-->'''Linkara:''' Dammit, ninjas! Don't you realize how doing this is disrespecting your mothers? To give you a positive role model for this situation, the musical stylings of Mr. T... along with the [[RunningGag Ninja Style Dancer]].\\
'''Ninja Style Dancer:''' ''[dances along to the hit Mr. T single "Treat Your Mother Right"]''
* The issue opens at the World Diamond Exchange in Chicago as three thieves dressed like ninjas break in:
-->'''Thief 1:''' We 'bout to grad-u-ate.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Thief 1]'' Weird how they're holding the graduation in this vault, but hey, at least they updated the gowns.\\
'''Thief 3:''' Yeah, and we ain't even got no ''hall'' pass, my brutha.\\
'''Linkara:''' Well, considering high school graduation is not necessarily held inside the school itself, nor during regular hours, a hall pass isn't even necessary, so I don't see why you need to brag about that.\\
'''Thief 1:''' We ''major''-league gangstas, man.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Thief 1]'' The only thing that could possibly stop us now is... some kind of 80's action icon, and what are the odds of that?
** The thieves use explosives to bust open the vault, which is noticed by a security guard in the lobby:
--->'''Guard 1:''' What was that?\\
'''Linkara:''' The other does not acknowledge what is happening on his security monitor.\\
'''Guard 2:''' Uh, I dunno... Earthquake?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 2]'' Look, I've gotta be honest; for people who are rich on diamonds, they're only paying me minimum wage, and that is not enough to make me care about the thieves.
*** The thieves make their escape, but are spotted by the guards; one of the thieves is shot, forcing the others to leave him behind, and the police watch over him as he vomits due to the stress and sudden injury:
---->'''Guard 1:''' What's with him?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 1]'' Their thief clothes are tacky as hell... Ugh, I might throw up, myself.\\
'''Guard 2:''' I dunno... Maybe he never shot a kid before.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Guard 2]'' Me, though? As the night security guard at the World Diamond Exchange, I've had to murder ''thousands'' of children every week.
* The next morning, Mr. T looks over the crime scene:
-->'''Mr. T:''' Another baby brother goes down hard... brother that didn't know the way of the T-Force.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Well, my ally is the T-Force, and a powerful ally it is, suckah.
** A kid named Lester then walks up to Mr. T:
--->'''Lester:''' Yo, m' man, T. Wassup?\\
'''Mr. T:''' I know that can't be you, Lester, callin' me "T." 'Cause I know you ''respect'' the man called ''"Mr. T."'' If this lost brother respected himself, he'd be seein' his momma to the bus, watchin' out for her... ...instead of coolin' at the city icebox.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' He's not dead; just really overheated.\\
'''Mr. T:''' Speakin' a' cool, how come you ain't at school, Lester?\\
'''Lester:''' Man, I cut out on that chump-dump.\\
'''Linkara:''' Ooh, bad move, saying that to Mr. T; you might as well have admitted to telling a string of [[YourMom "Yo' Mama" jokes]].\\
'''Mr. T:''' Yeah? Well, if you're so smart, I better get you down on ''tape''. That way the whole world can witness... ...your great genius.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lester]'' "Do you wanna make more money?" Sure! We all do!\\
'''Lester:''' Man, you talkin' ''raw'', T. Got me a ''trade'', now, my man. Takin' me to the ''top''!\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Damn, I was actually hoping he'd talk about it; I want to sell it as a "get rich quick" tape.
* Later that night, Lester sneaks out of his apartment... and meets with the gang of diamond thieves from before:
-->'''Bodyguard:''' Yer late.\\
'''Lester:''' Yeah, but I'm good-lookin', I'm smart, and I smell good. Puts me three-up on you, chump.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Lester]'' Tardiness in our criminal enterprises is acceptable, as long as I have good hygiene and conventional attractiveness!
** After Lester answers the boss's question about what he learned after last night with a snarky response, the boss's bodyguard angrily picks him up by the neck and slams him into a wall; Lester gets the point and is let down:
--->'''Boss:''' Good. Now, gather 'round, kiddies. Tonight you get a lesson in back-to-basics.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the boss]'' Now, we'll be splitting you into different study groups; I expect a five-page essay on robbing a bank once you're back on Monday.
* The thieves infiltrate their next target, a bakery that supposedly has a heavy payroll:
-->'''Thief:''' One day you gettin' paid in diamonds... Next day, some old, funky Kaiser roll!\\
'''Linkara:''' It's going to turn out the leader was just hungry for some Dunkin' Donuts, but the place wasn't going to open for another few hours.
** However, the thieves are caught by the owner, who brandishes a revolver at them:
--->'''Owner:''' I know what you after... And now you gonna get it...\\
'''Linkara:''' Man, Krispy Kreme takes its security seriously.
* We cut to Mr. T talking with the police about the string of robberies; the officers conclude, based on the size eight shoe prints they've found, that the thieves are kids:
-->'''Mr. T:''' No kid is ''born'' to steal.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' That kinda skill, you've gotta ''earn'' if you wanna be a champion at it.\\
'''Mr. T:''' Kids have gotta be ''taught'' to do wrong.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Stuffin' Jell-O into bathtub drains and drawin' with crayons on the walls? Somebody taught them that.\\
'''Mr. T:''' And you can bet Mister Teacher-Man is coolin' his heels in some three-hundred-dollar size twelves.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Those kids should be gettin' $300 size eights for themselves!
** They discuss that it's adults who are really responsible, since kids don't get jailed the same way as adults and the kids have nothing to gain by ratting the gang's leader out:
--->'''Mr. T:''' Not this time, Teach. Mr. T is on the job and school is ''out''.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Welcome to Mr. T's summer school. First lesson: pain.
*** Suddenly, the bakery owner runs at the group holding his gun and fires it, thankfully missing them; Mr. T angrily grabs the gun from the owner as he apologizes:
---->'''Mr. T:''' Gotta write to my congressman 'bout them late-night Wyatt Earp re-runs.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Nobody can shoot straight on that show, and it's ruining everybody else's aim!
* Mr. T gives chase to the thieves, leaping from rooftop to rooftop (and thus [[RunningGag another power is added to the count]]):
-->'''Mr. T:''' Give it up, fools! The T-Force is on your case and in your face!\\
'''[[Series/TheATeam B. A. Baracus]]:''' Then I'll take my fist, and then put my initials on your brain.\\
'''Mr. T:''' ''[thinking]'' These boys have no fear of heights.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' And I also have no such fear. ''[beat]'' Just don't put me on no plane.\\
'''Mr. T:''' ''[thinking]'' Let's see how brave they are when they gotta face the wrong that they've done. Weight of a conscience... ...break a strong man down.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' These kids are assholes, though, so they probably can't even lift twigs.
** Unfortunately, one of the buildings' roofs caves in from Mr. T's weight, causing him to crash all the way to the basement, but he gets up none the worse for wear (which means yet another power added to the count):
--->'''Janitor:''' Little late for that kinda noise, ain't it, son?\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as the janitor]'' Crashing through ceilings is more of a 4 PM thing.
*** Mr. T then discovers he grabbed one of the thieves' shoes as he fell:
---->'''Mr. T:''' Little late for ''my'' "eye on the city," too. And late for somebody else I know.\\
'''Linkara:''' ''[as Mr. T]'' Fortunately, I got this midnight snack out of it!
* The issue ends with Lester sneaking back into bed, rattling off excuses as the lights turn on thinking it's his mother... only for him to see Mr. T holding his shoe:
-->'''Mr. T:''' I ain't your momma, boy... And you sure ain't Cinderella...\\
'''Linkara:''' And yet, I would totally watch Mr. T's ''Cinderella''.\\
'''Mr. T:''' But I'm bettin' this fly sneaker ''fits'' your trespassin' foot... ''Don't'' it, Lester?!\\
'''Linkara:''' OH, MY GOD! IT'S THE KID THAT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT IT WAS!
* The post-credits stinger:
-->'''Editor's Note:''' NEXT ISSUE: The action-packed conclusion of Mr. T's battle against the inner-city crime school.\\
'''Linkara:''' Oh, sure, Mr. T ''says'' he's a man of the people, but here he is trying to shut down schools! Tsk-tsk, trying to prevent kids from getting an education, dude; for shame.
[[/folder]]
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