Romance

Question:

Is attraction the same thing as manipulation?

If you dress and talk and walk and flirt and act the way a person likes, is that manipulation?

Yes and no.

Most things we do are manipulation.

It's just not toxic manipulation.

for instance if I say "hey it's super important to me if you take this drive to the store so we can buy groceries" that is on a technical level manipulative because I am getting a reaction and placing weight in an interaction.

It's also a normal and natural way people interact. Because it's not just about expressing ourselves, but also convincing others that we are expressing something in a legit and honest way.

The problem is when it's done with desires or motives that aren't consented to.

Dressing sexy for yourself to enjoy being sexy is a contract with yourself and needs no consent. Others can choose to engage or assume, but it's an action for yourself.

Dressing sexy to sexually attract people comes with the social contract that it's about sexually attracting people.

Dressing sexy to seduce people and steal their kidneys does not come with that social contract. We do not have a social contract for that. And with good reason.

Read my stories!

So, she asked me if I thought she was crazy when she asked me to be her boyfriend after only a handful of dates, and what I meant when I said I wasn't sure if I was ready. And I told her what I meant. And that I'm still not sure. And now I think this relationship might be over. Because she thought everything was going beautifully and I just told her I don't love her yet and I don't think I have the emotional foundation for where we are superficially. I've been explaining and explaining that and how much I didn't want to hurt her, but she's gone silent and I think she's mourning the love of her life.

Fresh-eyed movie blog

Update to : after about a day, we started talking it out. I thought that she would want to break up because I admitted I don't feel what I want to feel for her and the relationship isn't going in a direction where I feel like I would be able to come to love her, but we discussed what we can do to fix that, and we're going to try to communicate more with each other and get better at being friends. Also there were things we were doing that were mutually indulging each other on what we assumed the other wanted.

Fresh-eyed movie blog

Communication is always key in terms of being in a relationship, otherwise what is the point. Talking things out is a decent way to clear the air. Keep up this, though. Sure, you're not going to get all the answers overnight but its a step in the right direction. Keep it up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

I think I'll give this thread a shot. I have an issue regarding rejection.

I'm currently heading towards the end of my undergrad college career and I'm currently for potential love interests. However, it's very hard for me to become romantically interested in a person for some reason. Then I met this really nice, genuinely attractive person I really liked out of nowhere. So after a few short interactions (over the course of a couple of weeks) and exchanges on social media, I found the confidence to ask them if I could get to know them better. Not necessarily in a romantic way or anything, just as a potential friend. Now keep in mind, they already found out that I liked them from a previous situation, so I thought, why the hell not?

And to my surprise, they politely declined my offer, stating that they don't want to add any potential friends to their "mix." Now, this may sound a little terrible, but...I'm not used to being rejected. Not because I'm the most attractive person in the room or anything (although, I am pretty charismatic), but simply because I don't really give too many people that level of vulnerability. But I'm also a person who makes friends pretty easily, so to have someone reject both my friendship and my romantic interest was a real blow to my emotions.

It's been a few days now and I still have feelings for this person, but I'm a little stuck. I see them everywhere now and it's weird. People have told me to just move past it, but it's still a little hard because my emotions are still so invested. Other people have told me to give it another shot in a few weeks, but I don't know about that either. Any thoughts?

edited 22nd Mar '18 7:00:23 PM by deuteragonist

Help and welcome to the thread.

These feelings are normal for anyone who has been rejected, whether or not its your first time in that situation or it's happened plently of times. Its OK if those feelings have lingered for this person, even after they say no. The thing about those feelings is not to act on them, otherwise, no one is going to be happy on either side.

The thing about rejection is that it'll hurt, yes. It may seem like it's a low point in your life. It may seem like it may get worse. But its the complete opposite. Eventually, that feeling of longing for someone will eventually go away little by little, until you too will move on, not giving much of a second thought about it when you do.

The thing about rejection is what you make of it. Either you stay stagnant, which will hurt you and other future relationships, or you build upon it, growing as a person. People learn from things that may seem like a wall blocking their path towards what they really want. One could figure a way to get around it and get to that path another way, or find another path that is just as satisfying.

I suggest focusing on just making friends, for now, instead of looking for a relationship. You may find that it may be just as good, surrounding yourself with close friends is a great way to build your social status. I'm sure that you're a decent person to be around so you probably won't have trouble in that regard.

In terms of times, it depends on the person. Sometimes, these feelings take days to go away, sometimes months. Either way, its not all wise to give it another shot if these stick by their feelings. It's quite normal to think of seeing them everywhere because that is all you think about. Just don't let it take over your day to day living and have it become an obsession. If its in your heart to give it another shot, it is your decision. Just make sure you prepare about the results that may end up, whether you like it or not.

All I can say is that I hope I've at least helped you with this and good luck with this situation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

Thank you so much for being awesome! This really does help.

Its no problem. Any time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

The girl I like has a boyfriend, but what else is new?

edited 20th Mar '18 11:24:50 AM by Spinosegnosaurus77

Peace is the only battle worth waging.

Let the pain pass. Don't hold it in. Feel sad. Feel off. Feel good afterward. You'll feel better. Then you'll move on. And you'll find someone else. And they'll like you back. It takes time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

Been trying to chat-up a girl with mutual friends, saw her on Tindr. So might be a viable option

If you know what to say, talk to them. Keep it nice and casual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

I've got an ongoing problem.

I'm very slow to love. I might be demiromantic. My girlfriend didn't believe in love at first sight until she saw me.

She freely admits she's been moving very fast, but she tells me when I say I need time to catch up, it feels like I'm asking her to stand in line for my heart.

I tell her that I want to have more things in common, that that will help me. She says that being different people is what makes the relationship interesting, and what I'm asking for is someone exactly like me. I say no, but I want smaller differences. I want to find interests that we didn't originally have in common, but developed a fondness for through getting to know each other.

She's hurt that I'm not already certain I want a future with her. I just enjoy our time together, spend our time apart trying not to hurt her, and wondering whether I'm going to find the depth of feeling for her that we both want, or if I'll get fed up with arguing about things I can't control before she makes her own decision to move on.

Fresh-eyed movie blog

For the record, my husband and I are incredibly similar. It sounds like she has stars in her eyes and any issue you have she's trying to dismiss as irrational because Love.

Read my stories!

I think she's going to break up with me tomorrow night. Our discussion of if I saw her in my future led her to ask me what I planned for the rest of my life, and when I said I don't plan to live in this state forever, she was reminded of her ex-boyfriend who moved to a different country a few months after he first said he was thinking about it, and she doesn't want to be abandoned again.

Fresh-eyed movie blog

Dammit, tonight was supposed to be an evening together where we talked out our problems and maybe came to a mutual decision to amicably separate. But her job surprised her with an overnight shift instead of the usual day shift and so she's at work tonight. And then, after we said goodnight, she started picking at the relationship problem again, so I told her I thought she had planned to separate, and next thing I know, I'm somehow the monster who's breaking up with her by text when she's at work.

So I finally just told her that since it seems like we can't talk about our relationship when apart without destroying each other, we need to halt on this course and work on saving it the next time we're together.

Fresh-eyed movie blog

So the girl I like kissed me tonight (she initiated). Now what?

Peace is the only battle worth waging.

Was it mouth-to-mouth ? This may turn either into a light web or a catastrophic type-7 Triang Relation (or affair). What relationship do you have with the boyfriend, and how open may he be ?

I'm really not an expert in the subject, but I'd do the following

• If he's violent or too closed, you may have to back off unless he knows about the affair.
• If he's nice and one of your friends, you may try to treat both of them to a nice restaurant and try to regularize those feelings (stressing the main goal as making her the happiest).
• If he's not yet a friend, try to get advice from her (and eventually befriend the boyfriend ?)

At all costs, you should sort it out before sex or other, more intense things happens.

edited 28th Apr '18 1:44:15 AM by acuddle

Sorry for any inconvenience I've caused by ever writing here.

It was the girl from this post & this one. She doesn’t have a boyfriend.

edited 28th Apr '18 7:22:19 AM by Spinosegnosaurus77

Peace is the only battle worth waging.

Ah, whoops. So she said she wasn't sure if you were more than a friend, then wanted to kiss you, then kissed you...

How adorable ! She probably likes you like you are right now. It's one of the main romantic problems: the illusory barrier between friendship and love. A lot of people believe that to be a lover, one has to stop being a friend, while in fact it's the reverse: love is a friendship with the added sexual element, and goes sour when if the friendship goes away, as it was the relationship's potential for mutual trust and complicity.

So, continue listening to her, and maybe ask her what she likes to find out about your common tastes, and what she likes about you. As you'll have fun together she will feel less awkward and naturally open up to you and you'll feel it'll be the time to confess (or not, if you find out that you have divergent tastes and it was only Love at First Sight, but I don't think it's the case).

She already trusts you a whole lot, responding more or less calmly about the hand-holding, showing a little of her past love life and letting you console her... More than you trust her, so it's natural that you'd ask for a few pointers on her heartstrings . I believe she'll enjoy talking of herself to you, though don't force her too much.

Sorry for any inconvenience I've caused by ever writing here.

What is that feeling you get when you see someone really cute, never talk to them, can't stand still when they're standing right next to you and, when you don't see them for a week you feel empty?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

Normal.

In all due seriousness, feeling / acting the way you do is just the average reaction to seeing someone whom you wouldn't mind having as a romantic partner. You want to spend time with them but have no idea how to talk to them. You feel loss when they're not around, but are utterly self-conscious when they are.

edited 5th May '18 12:52:20 PM by TempestKnight

-slams head against table-

I need a drink...ugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8p-tnJWGo

Ha ha, for me it's the complete opposite, my mind is in a frenzy if I'm alone with the person I like. The other day, I noticed the guy I liked was there in the library with a friend, so I thought I would go there and chat up as soon as I was done with my assignment. Instead, as I walk towards there, I see he's now alone, think "no way" and clumsily turn around and leave the room.

Life is unfair...