All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

I don't own Negima, Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha do. I don't own Zero no Tsukaima or My Little Pony- Friendship is Magic either.

I make no money from this.

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The Ways of the Heart are Millions.

OVA One: For Stupids, and by Stupids.

—-

Twenty years ago, this world, the Mundus Magicus, was on the verge of complete disaster. An unprecedented crisis! Quickly, a minor conflict between two countries, born from misunderstandings, refused arranged marriages, and a drunk translator, developed into a great war that divided the world between North and South!

"So, it was pretty much like the North American Civil War, right?" Yue asked.

"You mean that time Captain America-sama and Iron Man-sama ended up at each other's throats? Wasn't that because some yahoos blew a village in Kansas or something?" Asuna asked her in turn.

Ahem! This was a conflict FAR GREATER AND BIGGER THAN ANY OTHER CONFLICT EVER! It was the most incredible war our world had ever seen! But in the midst of it all, when everything seemed lost, several champions rose to turn the tides and protect the innocent! All while being awesome! Their name was ALA RUBRA!

Their leader, Nagi Springfield! The already legendary Thousand Master! The strongest of all mages at the ripe age of fourteen! The master of turning sheer, raw idiocy into complete genius!

His trusty friend, Konoe Eishun! The silent and thoughtful master of the Shinmeiryuu School! A noble samurai from the Old World, whose sword could cut the wind!

The mysterious professor of the Soundless Fist, Gateau Kagura Vanderberg! A hard-boiled former man of the government, always stylin' with his white suit, his rugged beard, his cigarette and his loyal disciple Takamichi!

The scariest woman ever! She even dragons ran away from, the one who could challenge the gods armed with nothing but a butter knife! Luna Inverse, Luna the Red Moon!

I think there were also others, but they had no importance...

... but me! The strongest of them all, the man of a thousand blades! The mythical swordsman mercenary, hero of all gladiators! The slave who bought his freedom on stadiums full of his enemies' blood! The Thousand Master's one true rival... their score, 498 to 499!

"499 what? Fights between you? Slain enemies? Conquered castles? You can't just leave it at—" Twilight Sparkle began.

"All of those and more!" the tanned, silver haired titan laughed, slamming a large hand on his rock hard chest, barely contained by his red jacket. "And now you know the truth about Jack Rakan, the man who won't die even if he's killed!"

With that, he stopped his story and stood proudly, hands on his hips, as the warm West breeze blew over the oasis and Negi clapped enthusiastically. The rest of those gathered before Jack and sitting behind boxes of oranges in a ridiculous mockery of the educative system— Kagurazaka Asuna, Sakurazaki Setsuna, Ayase Yue, Twilight Sparkle and Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière— looked far less enthusiastic about the tale they had just been fed.

"But," Louise started, "my father said Ala Rubra only made things worse with their intervention by provoking—"

"Slander!!" Rakan said, folding his muscular arms and shouting like a booming cannon, although not sounding angry in the slightest. "Vile lies spread by the aristocracy to protect their reputation! I wouldn't mix with that father of yours if I were you, Missy. He already sounds like a fishy character!"

"Wh-What are you saying, you hooligan?!" Louise sprang to her feet, her riding whip already deployed at a side. Yue and Twilight already were groaning in annoyance. "The la Vallière family's proud past is spotless! If you want to convince me you were the good guys, produce some evidence!"

"Can't do," Rakan said.

"Ah ha! See?" Louise grinned. "I was sure you couldn't defend yourself!"

"Don't be dumb, I always can defend myself," Rakan simply said. "But it doesn't come free! If you want to listen to my defenses, you'll have to pay me ten million per body of evidence!" he smirked, wagging a finger.

"... would you be willing to charge even over evidence that would absolve you...?" Negi said, eyes going tiny.

"I'll never complain about Haruna's mother again," said Yue. "I imagine you're going to demand for an impossible fee over training Negi-sensei as well, then?"

"Well, actually..." Rakan looked at Twilight, who frowned, shook her head, and made the horn at the midle of her head glow. A tiny golden note appeared in the air right before Rakan's face, making the man moan and wave it away. "I know, I know! Celes wants it, Celes is not to be refused, Celes can pay anyway! Geez. But!" he cautioned, "What Celes can't guarantee me is a disciple worth my time! You gotta prove you've got the stuff to study under me, Nagi's brat or not! Or else, go 'way! I can't waste my valuable time with weaklings!"

Louise looked all around the oasis, with its dilapidated tower and old, dusty structures, and snorted. "What do you ever do around here that could be so important anyway..."

"Never ask a sexy man what does he do by himself in the middle of wilderness. You won't like the answer," Rakan advised the pink haired youth before walking up to Negi, stopping at a short distance from him. "Hit my stomach with all you've got! That'll be your first test, lil' Negi!"

"Y-Yes, Sir!" the boy said, standing up to assume a battle stance taken from Ku Fei. "B-But, what if—!"

"What ifs are worth nuthin'! Just do whatever you've gotta do!" Rakan instructed, placing his arms at his sides, opening them wide as if to offer an even better target. "Just hit me already! If your punch's pathetic, I ain't teaching you squat!"

"Of... Of course, Sir!" he swallowed, and then chanted, "Cantus Bellax... VIS MAXIMA!!"

Louise, Yue and Twilight gasped hard as a massive aura literally exploded around Negi, enveloping him and tossing chunks of ground in all directions, while the boy tightened a fist and threw it back, gathering his power into it. Yue gave the mostly unmoved Asuna and Setsuna an aghast stare. "What in the world has Eva done to you?!"

Asuna shrugged. "Whatever doesn't kill one makes one stronger... I guess..."

But Rakan just shouted, "No, no, that's bad and you should feel bad!"

Negi blinked. "... mweh?"

"What's up with that?" Rakan asked. "That's the same crap I saw you using at the arena. That's fine for losers like the runts in the circuit nowadays, but it ain't even scratching me. Don't you have anything better in your repertoire?"

"Hey! What are you talking about, old man?!" Asuna protested. "That thing defeated Takahata-sensei when he and the brat fought! Maybe you're as strong as you brag if you were his teammate, but if he couldn't take it, a solid hit from it, with no guard, could even—!"

"Heh heh! Don't put me on the same level as a kid like Takamichi, princess!" Rakan boasted, shaking his head carelessly. "I'm not going to say I was stronger than Nagi... but we were both way above Takamichi! An' I haven't grown any weaker since!"

Asuna bristled. "What a blowhard! Takahata-sensei didn't stop ever growing better, either! I'd bet he went on to become way stronger than you! And stop calling me 'princess' already! It isn't cute or anything!"

"He's truly despicable, isn't he?" Louise murmured to Asuna.

"Weren't you saying, during your narration, you were the strongest of all...?" Yue deadpanned.

Rakan closed his eyes and lazily twisted aside, tossing his hair back. "If you're like Nagi at all, boy, I'm sure you've got something else you can give me. He never liked to show all his cards from the start either, but against me, you're going to need a full deck to even stay in the game."

"Boo! You're playing with a stacked deck, you joker!" Asuna hissed.

Negi inhaled deeply, nodded, and closed his eyes before further chanting, "Rastel Maskil Magister! Centum Et Unus Spiritus Lucis Coeuntes Inimicum Sagitent! Sagitta Magica Convergentia Lucum!"

"Oh-ho! That's a well polished Archer class spell!" Rakan observed. "'Course, takes so long you're going to need your own mini army to cover your ass while chanting it, but not too bad..."

"He does have his own mini-army!" Asuna said, placing a hand on her chest. "That's what we are for!"

Negi clenched his teeth as a veritable multitude of arrow lights formed themselves around his fist, quickly gravitating about it at dizzying speed, pushing for violent release. It was a very impressive spectacle that had Yue, Twilight and Louise again gasping in awe, and doubly so when Negi bolted ahead, finally letting the arrows go with the force of his punch, the fist colliding against the older man's unprotected stomach with the deafening sound of a gigantic bolt hitting and cracking rocky ground...

The whole oasis and the buildings surrounding the water were blanketed by several thick capes of dust and dirt, through which beams of light erupted in all directions. Yue, Twilight and Louise were sent tumbling back in shrieks, but Asuna and the stoically grim and silent Setsuna stood their ground firmly with little effort. Yue supported herself on the pony unicorn's body after feeling around blindly, coughing while her vision cleared itself slowly. When they finally could see again, they saw, amidst the lowering sand, a grinning Rakan standing right where he had been moments ago, while Negi's fist still rested against his skin. The boy looked up at the man's face, rattled by sudden uncertainty. "Um... Mr. Rakan, sir? Have I passed—"

Then Rakan's glinting white teeth went open, and his mouth vomited several large glops of dark blood all over Negi.

"GAHHHHHHHH!!!" Asuna, Negi, Yue, Twilight, *AND* especially Louise yelled all at once.

Then Rakan lost his smile, swung an arm, and punched Negi across the jaw, hurling him high into the air. "DAMMIT, STUPID BRAT! THAT HURT!!"

"— so I passed or whaaaaaaaaaaattt—!!" Negi cried as he became a blink in the blue sky.

Yue looked at Louise. "Very well. I'm not complaining about YOUR treatment of him now, either."

Louise blinked, stunned out of her mind. "I'm not... ever going to... WHY YOU VILLAIN!" she suddenly exploded, jumping on Rakan with her whip savagely bearing down.

"— huh? Funny, I never heard before of a pink haired mosquito," Rakan said as the ineffective blows rained mercilessly on him and Louise bawled her eyes off. "Must be a new— UGGHHH!" he gulped while Yue, hammering away with two books, Asuna, using her harinsen, Setsuna, unsheathing her Yuunagi, and Twilight, ramming at his ass with her horn, all piled up on him as well.

A moment later, Negi landed back, falling on his face in the dirt and gurgled as his limbs stuck all in twisted opposite ways, twitching while the girls rushed to his side, protectively. "I don't think I feel my legs," he confessed.

Rakan, who was now a similar bundle of flesh a few steps away, chuckled grisly. "Okay. So maybe you've got somethin' goin' on with this team of yours after all... They seem to love you enough, at least..."

"It's not love, you moron!" Asuna protested as she and Louise nestled the comatose Negi's head between their chests, all the while Yue read his pulse...

"So, you've studied under Eva already, haven't you?" Rakan asked Negi later, as the group sat at the middle of one of the place's numerous Roman styled halls, forming a loose circle. Negi, of course, sat opposite the man, with Louise at one side and Asuna at the other. Rakan seemed to ponder his own grave words carefully for several moments, then bluntly added, "I don't believe you."

"Oh, yes," Setsuna dryly said. "You cannot believe Evangeline-san ever would see fit to take an apprentice, can you?"

"Nah, it's not that," Jack said. "If half the really well kept stories about her are true, Granny just loves to surround herself with people to use at her advantage while whining about how looooonely she is. Say, did she ever tell you about Karin?"

"Karin?" Negi echoed.

Rakan rubbed his own chin. "I thought so. Well, that's Granny for you!"

"Soooo..." Asuna said, "Should we know about who that Karin person was, or would it also cost us..."

"Fifty millions," Rakan said.

"Wait," Yue said, "why does it cost more than knowing personal things about y—"

"I'll answer that question only if I'm given twelve cold and hard millions."

"Forget I said anything," Yue began rubbing her wide forehead in wide circles.

"Anyway, if you really were Eva's disciple, for as long as you've said, by now you'd be completely broken, dead, or... well, something even I can't tell a child your age," Rakan told Negi. "So nope, sorry, I'm noy buying it."

Asuna sighed and placed a few pats on Negi's scalp. "Sorry to tell you this, but he is, indeed, broken."

Negi pouted. "When will you start showing me some respect already, Asuna-san?"

"Very, highly, perhaps extremely broken," Setsuna agreed.

"Respect, please!" Negi protested.

"And this is coming from someone with first hand experience on the subject," Yue thirded, pointing at Setsuna.

"RESPECT!" Negi and Setsuna cried together now.

"Well, if you say so," Rakan placed his hands on his knees, spreading his legs slightly while leaning ahead, to look directly into Negi's eyes. "Why else would you come here, to the middle of nowhere, dragging four completely lovely girls and a hot piece of pony plot, just to submit yourself to some torturous training that will make Granny's look positively charming and easygoing?"

"Plot?" Asuna blinked at Twilight.

Twilight shuddered. "What a dirty, filthy man!"

"Exactly what moves a young man like you, someone apparently so responsible and sensible, to do that, Negi?" Rakan asked, actually rather gently.

"I get the feeling," Yue said, "he tends to ignore the input of women whenever it's voiced."

"I'm sure we're all just 'plots' for him," Twilight murmured.

"No, really, what does 'plot' mean in this context?" Asuna insisted.

Negi was about to join in that question, but then decided to directly answer Jack's question. Even if it meant he'd probably be accused of ignoring female input as well. "I want to get stronger, sir. Recently, I've been proved I'm nowhere strong enough as to protect those who were left under my care, and after dragging them into my personal quests, as well! I want to redeem myself, to help them to the best of my capacities!"

"See? Broken!" Yue said. "Extremely noble, but broken all the same!"

"Yeah, I see," Rakan nodded, then put a hand on Negi's head, which seemed barely smaller than the man's palm. "And what made you realize that, kid?"

"At the Gateport... we were attacked by a girl my age, calling herself Sextum Averruncus," Negi admitted. "She had attacked us before, but this time, she and her followers were especially vicious. Due to her actions, we lost several of our friends, who might still be scattered around this world, in imminent danger..."

"Well, that shit happens," Rakan said. "By the way, someone should pass Crow Girl here a glass of water," he casually added, making Asuna, Louise and Yue gasp while realizing Setsuna was even way paler than usual, twitching violently to herself while shuddering in place. As if nothing had happened, Rakan kept asking Negi before the boy could react as well, "Was that Averruncus girl a short albino of few words, with extraordinary power, and usually polite but also capable of extreme cruelty?"

"Don't tell me you had crossed paths with her before!" Negi gasped.

"Nooope, never met her or even heard of 'er before today!" Rakan rapidly replied, making Negi facefault."But, I might have heard of others like her before. For more on that, however, one million, please."

"Seriously, just cut that out already," Twilight grumbled.

"*That* would cost y'all one hundred millions," Rakan teased, before walking away just enough as to grab a random piece of chalk from a random table and begin doodling and writing on a random chalkboard on a random nearby wall. "But, what I can tell you f'r free is, if that chick is like the Averrunci I once knew, well... you guys are screwed. Let me put it in a way even the princess will understand."

"Better men have tried and failed at educating me, mister!" Asuna proudly said from where she and Yue kept on fanning the wide eyed Setsuna, who kept on tightly hugging Yuunagi while feverishly whispering a name over and over.

"Let's see," Rakan hummed. "Zero Girl here can't use magic yet, and while she's a pro with a whip— someday you'll be a very lucky man, Negi— i think we still can use her as the baseline standard for the chart..."

Negi blinked. "Lucky, me? What does my luck have to do with Miss La Vallière being able to use a whip?"

The blushing Louise, Yue, Asuna and Twilight all just rasped very uncomfortably. Twilight looked at Asuna and asked, "What do you usually tell him in situations like this?"

"'Go ask Takahata-sensei'," Asuna said, "But we haven't been able to think of a replacement just yet..."

Negi tossed his hands up in frustration. "Look, I'll just start looking those things up in the Maginet after we get back home, okay?"

"Don't think about that either!" Setsuna suddenly revived.

"Well, here it is, all according to my clinic eye and flawless logical reasoning," Rakan stepped back from the chart he had just made, which went like this, from bottom to the top:

0- Field Mouse.

0.5- Cat.

1- Pink Mosquito Whip Girl (w/o whip).

2- Pink Mosquito Whip Girl (w/whip).

3- Average Mage (standard citizen of Mundus Magicus).

5- Farmer with Shotgun (Rowling was right).

10 to 50- Martial artists from Mundus Vetus.

100- Standard Graduate of Magical Academy.

200- War Tank (BOOM!)

300- Magical Teachers at Mahora Academy (average). Members of the Ariadne Knights Order (average). High level wizards.

500- Negi.

650- Dragons (standard species).

700- Kagetaro.

1,500- Warship Aegis.

2,000- Takamichi (depending on if he's goin' all out).

2,800- Kijin Soldiers from the Great War.

3,000- Averruncus gal.

8,000- Ryomen Sukuna no Kami.

OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAND- Ape warrior from outer space.

∞- The Almighty.

"THREE THOUSAND?!" Negi cried in terror, his eyes going blank.

"Oh, c'mon, that's gotta be Internet message board-level bullshit!" Asuna protested. "It looks like something a fanboy came up with while trying to see how many Harry Potters it'd take to destroy a Gundam!"

"Hey, no chart is perfect," Rakan shrugged, "But this was mostly to give you a general idea of how power levels work. The outcome of any fight depends on too many factors. A normal man, for instance, can sink a warship by himself just by placing a strong enough bomb in it. But naturally, the bigger the difference in power levels is, the more it takes to cover the gap! And the more difficult victory becomes for the weaker side."

"If you put it that way," Negi gasped, his face bathed in sweat, "No matter how much I train, I can't ever catch up to her, much less before... before...!"

Rakan folded his arms. "If we did honest training, it'd be an impossible task, yeah."

"So, if five cats got the jump on you at once..." Asuna was telling Louise.

"Do you think this is the time to be doing jokes like those?!" Louise growled.

Negi, meanwhile, was looking up at Rakan again. "'Honest' training? Do you mean, there's another way...?"

Rakan picked his nose. "Nah, don't even think about it. An obviously honest kid like you shouldn't even be thinking about those things. It's feasible, of course, I guess. For someone with tons of talent and luck. But—"

"So there *is* a way!" Negi said.

Rakan waved a hand. "Yeah, and it's Eva's way. That tells you all there's to know about it, really..."

"A way to become as strong as Master!" Negi was growing even more excited.

Rakan clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Oi, kid. Haven't you been paying any attention at any time you've been around her? You're aware what kind of person Granny is, right? Take that path and it'll leave you just like her, even if you survive it. An isolated, alienated, inhuman creature cut off from those who love you..." His gaze travelled all over Asuna, Yue, Louise, Setsuna and Twilight, all of which recoiled uncomfortably. "Do you really want to do that to yourself?"

Negi pondered that in a stunned silence, then shyly asked, "As someone who knew my father, what do you think he'd have done?"

"It's not about what Nagi would have done!" Rakan protested. "You're nothing at all like him! Well, in some things, yeah. But not in most things. And yet, you aren't exactly like Loli Granny either. You have some traits of her too, but your heart... I don't think your heart is dark enough for that, kiddo."

"Dark enough for what?" Negi asked, becoming impatient.

"For some forbidden art that could unleash the true power of darkness into someone," Rakan answered ominously. "She worked it out hundreds of years ago, while she was still weak. It's something that empowers your body up greatly, but all the while corrupting your soul..."

"I'm so glad Haruna's not here right now," Yue said.

"She called it Magia Erebea," Rakan said. "The ultimate form of—"

"Like Magus Erebus-san!" Negi gushed, bringing his hands together, his eyes sparkling.

"Yeah, like— uh-what?" Rakan said.

Asuna sighed. "Hand me that chalk, please. It's my turn to tell you a ridiculous over the top story of our own..."