Let’s Watch: Dingo Pictures' "Animal Soccer World":
Hello and thanks for reading! I’m Ronka. I love animation and hate Dingo Pictures; the two are related. Dingo Pictures (DP) is an “animation” studio from Germany that producers mock busters (rip-offs) of animated movies— mainly Renaissance Disney and other 90s-era films. I put animation in quotations because they don’t so much “animate” as “mutilate paper on film.” And I say “film,” but I’m pretty sure they record on tape. And I say “mutilate,” but only because I don’t feel comfortable comparing cartoons to eye rape. Their movies are awful. Really, indescribably awful. Bad scripts, bad stories, bad characters, bad pacing. Bad designs, bad backgrounds, bad animation, bad synching. Bad dubbing, bad looping, bad music and bad, bad, bad, awful reused art. Long story short: They are shit. They’re actually worse than shit, but if I say more I risk ripping off the Angry Video Game Nerd. Short story long… Well, that’s what the rest of this is about. I’ve already analyzed Anastasia and dug into Dinosaur Adventure. Both experiences left me mildly traumatized, but I am a glutton for audio-visual punishment and so here I am, back in action, rip-roaring, ready to go, and other clichés. I’ve got the movie ready, my word processor open, and my will prepared. I’ve set my eyes on the prize of that company I despise. How will it compare to those that came before? Let’s find out together. Heeeeeeere’s Let’s Watch: Animal Soccer World! Or… Animal Soccer Match! It goes by both, apparently. See, on the site it says “Match”, but on the movie it says “World”, and… damn, that— that stole my thunder, didn’t it? I had this big dramatic introduction planned, with the title of the thread in bold letters, and it just fizzled. Curse my obsession with including all pertinent information, regardless of overall post flow! Curse it! Before we continue, some stats: Famous Movie They’re Ripping Off: Seems to be Bedknobs and Broomsticks. At least, there are cartoon animals playing soccer in that movie. Ronka’s Sanity Status: Normal. Mildly excited but bracing for impact, like a fat kid about to do a belly flop off the high dive. Minutes Left: All of them.
(Follow along with me here, if you’re itching for an eye-stitching good time. Eye-stitches hurt, I’m told.) The movie opens, as so many do, with the Phoenix Games logo and the Code Monkeys animation bumper. How can music that goofy fill my heart with so much fear? Then comes the title card, which is also the box cover art, and it’s not that bad, which is as expected. Mockbuster box art is always good; it’s the plastic bait at the end of the hook that wiggles and shimmers and looks like a fish, but is really just tricks and lies. You think it’s a real movie, and in the end you get filleted and roasted over some angler’s fire and end up subjected to some horrible animation and inept storytelling. I mixed my metaphors a bit there, but you get the point. The title card is done in an art style you’d find on the cover of a one-dollar colouring book. On it, a lion wearing a crown is kicking a red ball into a net. A monkey (chimp?) dangling from the net catches it, and a hippo falls to the ground. Uproarious! What will those funny animals do next? I don’t think I need to tell you the lion king (™) looks like the lion king (™) from Bedknobs and Broomsticks, but I just did so I suppose I should edit this sentence to reflect that but I won’t. Oh Dingo, stealing right out of the gate. You so crazy. Is "crazy awful" a thing, like Crazy Awesome? It should be. Once this is done, the movie begins at last! Hooray! As if to prove that Dingo hates its viewers, the first thing that happens, the very first thing we hear, is a sound design mistake. A music clip quickly fades out and before switching to the music they intended to use. Way to fail, DP. The music turns out to be Dingo Pictures’ signature Jaunty Music, an annoying chipper beat they play when something happy is happening, like a dinosaur’s birth or a dog surviving an explosion. Next come the visuals. We fade in (of course, DP doesn’t know how to transition any other way) on a dog walking in front of a stone wall. Long-time readers (all five of you, love you guys) will remember this dog as Sasha, Anastasia’s amazing bomb-surviving pet from “Anastasia.” Ha ha, the rest of you thought I was making up that dog explosion joke above, didn’t you? You were wrong. DP is so cheap, they constantly reuse characters from other movies (some of them are even their own). If you think this is weird, you clearly haven’t read my other Let’s Watches, which makes me sad but is probably better for your mental health. The gist is this: Get used to recycled characters, because it is something Dingo has a hard-on for. Also, get used to stilted animation, because that’s not going away either. Not!Sasha walks, when we suddenly cut to a couple of weasels(?) snickering. First Pointless Animal Shot (PASS) of the movie, and we’re not even five seconds in. Cut back to Not!Sasha, who is sniffing something on the ground. Cut to a sleeping Simbaaahhh I mean just a sleeping lion cub, obviously not Simba at all totally different character. Cut to a close-up of Not!Sasha. “-ong time no see,” says Not!Sasha, phoning it in. He couldn’t sound less alive if he were dead; a death rattle at least has some personality. His friend is worse. The lion cub wakes up with a “Huuuuh?” Like the actor was doing a bad Tim the Tool Man Tailor impression. “Whad arr you douin todai?” says Not!Sasha’s accent. “I donn know yed,” says Not!Simba’s accent. Unlike Rasputin’s accent in “Anastasia,” these ones aren’t fake— which means they'll be with us for the entire movie. At this point, I should probably just tell you to get used to bending over and taking it, because that’s all DP is dishing out. Seriously, they couldn’t hire English-speaking actors to record this? Not even bad ones? They were so cheap they hired— what are they, Swiss? Dutch? French? German? Whatever, they hired non-English speakers to record their English language dub? (sigh) They’re going to make me long for the old Female Voice Actor and Male Voice Actor, aren’t they? That’s just sick and wrong. That’s like having herpes and wishing for syphilis. Anyway, Not!Sasha and Not!Simba have a useless rapid-fire conversation of pleasantries that ends with them deciding to visit friends because Not!Simba “likes visiting friends very much.” Clearly, the script writers don’t speak English well either. The Jaunty Music cuts back in, and it now becomes clear something is very wrong with the music. On top of the Jaunty Music, there is this weird… jungle beat. Normally, Dingo reserves the DRAMATIC MIDI BONGOS for moments of “drama” and action, but this isn’t action-packed, it’s just them walking. And the drum beat is playing over the Jaunty Music. It throws off the chipper beat and makes it kinda sinister. Who spliced the track to make the music so schizophrenic? Anyway, back to the movie OH HOLY SHIT oh man suddenly there was this fucking goat baaing for no reason in the most obnoxious voice possible. Why does its head jiggle when it baas? God this is stupid. PASS 2. Cut to adult Simba and Nala from the Lion King (or, if you’re a fan of DP, “The Lion and the King”). And cut back to Not!Simba and Not!Sasha walking. I guess that was another Pointless Animal Shot. Two in a row. Wow. The Not! Brothers have moved on from walking in stilted profile and are now walking face-on to the camera. Still stilted, though. “Who are we goin’ to visit,” says Not!Simba. Not “asks,” that would imply he made it sound like a question. “Harry. We are going to visit Harry,” says Not!Sasha. “Then we know right away. [sic] If there’s something going on. And then we can. Tell ow friends.” Oof, those awkward pauses would make Female Voice Actress cringe, and she was more robot than man. “K. Let’s visit Harry.” And so the two “run” off into… town, I guess? It’s one of those great Dingo Pictures towns, with lots of houses and no people. “Attention attention,” says Not!Simba’s Voice Actor, pinching his nose. “Did you see it? Of course you didn’t see it! Because you can only hear me.” That’s a… passable joke, but the delivery is so bad I almost didn't really it was supposed to be funny. The character the dialogue belongs to is clearly Harry, the Not! Brothers’ friend. He’s a stork dressed up like a reporter from Cliché City— he’s wearing a gray trench coat, gray hat, and a portable microphone. Gee, where’s the little tag for his hat that says “Press”? I guess we’ll have to wait for the close-up. “Okay, listen carefully,” continues Harry with the sinus congestion. “There is an indescribable chaos.” Is he talking about the movie? Because it is kind of a train wreck. “More and more animals are coming this way.” PASS and PASS, including the three vultures on a branch, a DP favourite. For some reason, two vultures are wearing a hat and sunglasses. I… don’t know. “You can hear the sirens. Ambulance. Police. Fire department.” What the hell. “But Harry. What are you talking about,” says Not!Sasha, tonelessly. “Ah, uh, yeah,” replies Harry. Riveting, I can see why he entered journalism. “But where is the ambulance? And the police? And I don’t hear any sirens also,” says Not!Simba, and I feel I should mention because I didn’t before that two adult men should NOT be playing these roles. Not just because they don’t speak English, but because the vocal dissonance is incredibly jarring. A cub should not have a man's voice. And this IS the man's regular speaking voice, you can tell. He's not trying to sound kiddy at all. “You are right, you can’t hear them, I’m just practicing,” says Harry, “in case something really happens.” “But what is suh-posed to hepen?” asks Not!Sasha. God, doesn’t he have a name yet? “Something that even scares the dog,” says Harry. “SCUSE me?” says Sasha’s voice, a few moments after his body mouths it. “I wasn’t talking about you.” And then that tangent is over. What a weird and pointless exchange. “Ever since I was a reporter, nothing happens, if nothing happens, I can’t report anything.” Poor Harry. You’ll just have to stir up your own news, like FOX does. Any missing white women in the neighbourhood? “Hmm, I see, that is hard,” says Not!Simba, suddenly standing on a sponge. I don’t know. I was going to cut this bit out, but it’s just so weird that I had to include it. Harry says, “For weeks, I’ve been running, from one end, to another. It’s everywhere the same.” A random donkeys asks, “What’s the same, everywhere?” “It’s everywhere the same, the same of nothing happened.” “Yeah, it’s the same also,” says the donkey, who now has an British accent. ?? What?? A rooster shows up to join in, uh, dadaist conversation? “Yeah! Old songs. It’s no fun to be a singer when there are no parties where I can sing, my old songs.” A bear selling cotton candy shows up. He’s got a baseball cap on backwards. Just go with it. “Parties?” he asks. “Where? Can I sell my candy somewhere?” And then he shuts up but keeps walking for a few seconds. Awkward. “There is no party!” says Harry. “Oh,” says the bear. He’s still walking, but I don’t think he’s going anywhere. I think maybe the animators forgot he didn't have to be moving in this scene. “This is driving me crazy!” says Harry. Hey, me too! Hmm... I'm developing a theory that Harry the voice of the audience in this movie, and he says exactly what we're thinking. Have to wait for further evidence. I’d like to point out that it is painful how obvious it is that everyone’s problems will be solved by that soccer match from the title. It is so obvious, in fact, it’s more like a Simpsons parody, with everyone gathering around complaining about their problems that one solution could fix. I half expect a horse to show up complaining about not being able to scalp tickets. Alas, the writers are clearly not smart enough for that. (Also, it wouldn't be a horse anyway.) Back to the OH SHIT dammit, again with the obnoxious loud sounds from nowhere. This time it’s a duck in a nurse's uniform. Fine, I buy it. She’s making this horrible fake siren noise. It sounds like she’s impersonating a rusty hinge, but it keeps going and going and going and going and going. Also, the duck looks like she has a floating eye. An eye should not point in that direction naturally. “I told you there is something happen wait Greta I’m coming,” says Not!Sasha. He must have stepped away from the mike because his voice is really soft. In fact, it goes soft a lot. Maybe the two guys are just sharing one microphone and have to move in to say their lines but don’t want to bump heads. “Hey! Wait up Cromell!” says Not!Simba, and at last we have a name for Not!Sasha! It’s only been three minutes in a thirty-minute movie. No word on not!Simba yet. Harry believes it’s probably nothing, but follows after the pair. Cromell (the dog) and not!Simba “run” across the Magic Marker background while the weird jungle music plays (I mean, it always plays, but there’s nothing playing over it at this moment. OMINOUS MIDI BONGOS AWAY!). This running scene takes ten whole seconds; I checked. The padding is palatable. At some points, there is nothing on screen at all. They’ll run on and then run off and the camera will linger for a few seconds on an empty screen. This is so lazy, it hurts. Only Cromell and not!Simba are running, too— Harry isn’t because Dingo was probably too cheap to draw him in profile. Next scene— Ha ha ha oh my God, this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen in a cartoon. Two black animals (a jaguar and a jackal, maybe?) are standing on their hind legs, swatting their arms, hovering from right to left, while dust clouds flicker around them. This is Dingo Picture’s send up to the classic cartoon fight, the Big Ball of Violence, where you see nothing but fists and dust. And it looks ridiculous. And the sound effects don’t help. “Grumblrumblegerrumgurhgrr.” “What? Why can’t you be nice to each other?” says the duck. Oh boy, this voice is a doozy. Not only is the (male!) VA so quiet you can barely hear him, he’s tried to pitch his voice higher to make it sound like a woman. You know how men don’t sound like women? This is an especially bad case. I guess she gave up the obnoxious fake ambulance sirens, too, which come to think makes me wonder about Harry’s “chaos, with sirens and ambulances and police” bit. If the ambulance is just Greta the Duck making honking noises, is the fire truck Herman the Elephant, and the police Johnny the Alligator? This just gets stupider by the second. So Greta asks why the dog (not a jackal) and jaguar can’t be nicer to each other, and the black dog says, “That is no fun” in a growly voice. “Thass wight,” says the jaguar. “Is it bad,” says Cromell, who has just arrived on scene. “No. Just the usual scratch and bite holes.” The bite holes? I, uh, wha? “Why weh you fighting?” asks not!Simba. “That’s why,” says the dog. There a red ball on the ground, and his head lowers slightly, so I guess we’re meant to assume the ball is the problem. Series of random cuts. “I found the ball,” says the dog. “And then he didn’ led me play wid it,” says the jag. He sounds like he has a cold, too. Must have got it from Harry (or Tio’s dad). “Yeah, that’s right,” says the growly dog, “because you can’t shoot it, you just shoot it everywhere.” Um. ... no, no, I won't. Anyway, the dog and jaguar fight over who’s better at playing with the ball (um). The dialogue’s inane and I don’t want to transcribe everything. At one point there’s some great voice synching failure, and at another the jaguar’s jaw inexplicably opens up. Like, no sound comes out, he’s just normal and suddenly his jaw expands. The two black animals are having their little back-and-forth “I’m better no I am” when Cromell says, “Why don’t you owganize a soccergame then you will see, who’s the best.” Which might be the most blatant show of plot placement ever. Seriously, if you saw two friends fighting over a ball, would your first thought be “We must have a soccer game!”? I mean, you have to gather up a bunch of people, and find a field, and get a ref, and all that hassle. My solution would be rock, paper, scissors. Then a cage match. But of course everyone thinks this is a great idea (great idea!). The black dog (we’ll call him Growly since I just know they won’t be giving him a name) announces his team will be called the Wild Dogs. Says Jaggy the jaguar, master of the non-sequitur, “Heh he ha ha don’t make me laugh, my team’s name is, the Jungle Kings, the kings of the jungle.” Thanks for that, I wouldn’t have figured it out otherwise. Harry announces that the game will take place between the two teams (stellar fucking journalism), and Jaggy and Growly run off as the Jaunty Music plays under the Jungle Drum Music. We are then treated to everyone discovering that, Hey, this soccer match could benefit ME as well! “Don’t you also need nurses? At such a game?” says Greta in her man voice. “Yeah, as far as I know, people always get hurt.” “That’s great!” Bitch. “I will get my emergence kit, right away.” PASS stupid hyenas laughing, Jaunty Music spliced with Jungle Drum Music as Greta leaves. Harry announces he’s off to make posters and advertise the game, except his says it more stupidly. Cromwell and Not!Simba bemoan the fact that they will have to be on different teams. PASS a hopping rabbit. The pair decide they can still be friends and that it’s “just for the game” that they’ll be rivals. Then they split up. The only interesting part of this exchange is that apparently not!Simba’s name is Joe? Or Jove? GOB? Something like that. AND FADE OUT! We're five minutes in and it‘s taken me three hours to write this. It's nothing like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, but that is fine by me, because the less it ruins my childhood, the better. So far it’s boring, but not horrible. I don’t know how bad it will get in the future, but at the very least DP can’t butcher history like they did in “Anastasia” and “Dinosaur Adventure.” Once you get over the voice acting and the constant jungle music, it’s… well, it’s bad, but just bad. Not horribly bad. But will it stay that way? Only time will tell. Tune in tomorrow— different Bat-time, same Bat-thread, as we dive further into: Animal Soccer World!
edited 11th Sep '10 10:50:10 AM by CrowT.Robot
edited 15th Sep '10 6:07:00 AM by CrowT.Robot
(Join the madness by watching along here, but you prolly don't want to yes you do.) Well, folks, we survived part one fairly easily, but today is a whole different ball park— what will part two hold? Predictability and rampant idiocy. It’s not even a guess. OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC plays as we FADE IN on our next scene. The OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC is barely audible under machine noises— they’re stock effects, but points to Dingo for trying decent SFX this time. Harry (or should I type, Hah-ree? No, the other way is less work) stands in a room that looks like either a drug warehouse or a set from Saw. He is behind a conveyor belt (of doom?) that we are meant to assume is a printing press; flyers fly off the conveyor belt and into a bucket while Harry the Stork Detective supervises robotically. This is clearly a magic printing press, because even though it’s just tossing down individual single-page flyers, the papers don’t blow off of the conveyor belt. Why do they need such a needlessly complicated system to print off one-page fliers, anyway? If I were Harry, and I'm thankful I’m not, I’d just buy a photocopier and call it a day. Fucking Puss in Boots shows up. Dammit, they couldn’t re-draw the character? Or draw on new feet, or even just shoot close for a mid-shot so we didn’t have to see his fucking ENORMOUS RED BOOTS? WHY is Puss in Boots here? And it’s not like it’s even a Pointless Animal Shot (PASS), either. Puss in Boots has lines; he’s a fucking secondary character. As of this scene, he’s as important as Greta the Sadist Duck and more important than the candy bear. “Today in two weeks,” says Puss, whose appearance in this movie must have fractured the space-time continuum and made it so the future is, literally, now, “the sucka game of all time will take place.” Well, he’s got the ‘Sucka’ part right. “The supahclub the Wild Dogs, play the top team of… The Jungle Kings. Harry, is this true?” “Yeah it’s true,” says Harry, whose nose is still stuffed up. Pro tip, H-Man— just take your fingers off your nose, and it'll clear up. “Isn’t that a lot of work, to organize that?” says Puss, suddenly in the warehouse shot with Harry. I can see why he wears the boots now— he looks like a midget. Is Harry some sort of giant, or is Puss just that small? “Yeah you can say that again firstofall, I have to hand out ALL these flyers—” PASS a pelican giggling but no sound comes out. Wait, wha— “and I have no clue how to do all that!” No clue? How to hand out flyers? YOU STAND ON A CORNER AND GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE. This isn’t rocket surgery, crazy people can do it! Hell, STATUES, CABINETS, AND TABLES can do it. Are you more retarded than a sheet of wood? This is your fucking job! Puss has a solution. “If you wan’, I can help with the organization. It’ll be fun!” The pelican, who is apparently also a secondary character and has a disturbingly high-pitched voice, adds, “I can help with the spread the flyers.” That's not a typo; that's aaaaaaallll pelican. Harry, who has his mike out for no reason other than this is the only body Dingo designed for him, says, “That would be OUTSTANDING then, I could prepare myself in orest (earnest?) for my appearance as a sports caster.” Is a sports caster a thing? Is it like a jock wizard? And suddenly we’re outside with The Three Vultures, because why not, it’s not like that would be jarring. Since I know DP won’t give them names, I dub the vultures Shades, Hat, and Curly-Joe. Hat says, “What do we hear? You want to become a sports caster? And of course you want to? Aren’t you FM from the Wild Dogs?” Incensed by their Joycean insults, Puss leaps to the defence of his friend with an expert retort: “If you vultures know it so good, why don’t you become reporters yourself?” Oooh, feel the burn. “OK boys, we will become the reporters of the Jungle King…s,” says Hat. Jeez, people make loads of rash decisions in this town, don’t they? It’s like, if one of them said "I’m hungry," another would pipe up, "I’ll build a restaurant!" Or if a cow said, "I’m sad," a goose would go, "Let’s commit mass suicide!" And a beaver would be like, "Finally! A use for my poison and Kool-Aid!" Actually, that would make a better movie. Anyway. “What they can do, we can do,” says Shades the vulture, whose voice is cracking like a fourteen-year-old boy. He doesn’t sound like he’s taunting, but taunting words are coming out of his mouth. “Much better,” concludes Curly-Joe. It doesn’t sound so much like a response as just a free floating statement. I imagine him wandering around town, randomly accosting people and whispering, "Much better." He's why the lady vulture don't fly alone at night. “We will see, HA! You and your reporters,” says Harry, and the vultures start laughing. Why Dingo decided it would waste money animating laughter and not drawing a second body for Harry is beyond me. Then again, any money spent on this POS is a waste. It would have been better invested in auto stocks. (Economics jokes! There's something for everyone in this liveblog!) Puss and the pelican organize the flyer distribution. “And really throw these flyers everywhere,” says Puss, who seems to have developed Harry’s cold. “Don’t be afraid, in a circle of hundred kilometres, nobody will be able to tell that he didn’t know.” Is that a riddle? Seriously, what does that mean? Also, I question pelican’s ability to fly; his wing looks like a mutilated cheese string. But fly he does! A different kind of happy music plays as the pelican takes off, the OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC still playing over it. In the ensuing scene, the pelican rains flyers down on the unsuspecting animal populace. I won’t call these Pointless Aanimal Shot, because it does make sense, but that doesn't make it less lazy. We see some camels, a hippo, a snake, some geese, a horse, cow, pigs, a donkey... wait, those farm animals... live on a farm. Why are there farm animals living on a farm? Do humans exist in this world? Who lives in those houses in town? It's not GOB, Jove, Joe— it's not Not!Simba, because he sleeps in the grass. How do the animal politics work in this world? Is it actually Animal Farm? I am confused. But shoddy world building isn't the only weird part of this scene. The pelican drops the flyers, but how come the flyers don’t land? They just fall down and off screen, like there's no ground for them to land on. Does Dingo Pictures World exist on only one dimensional plane? It would explain why everything looks so weird drawn face-on. And why the characters are so flat. (rimshot) I blame Puss. I knew his appearance in a work he patently didn't belong in would tear the universe asunder! They called me mad, MAD, but I'll show them, I'll show everyone! MOVING ON. A snake reads a flyer, holding it his... ah, scales, maybe? says, “A sucka game takes place in two weeks?” No, it takes place today, because today is in two weeks now. Honestly, pay attention, snake! “Is that something?” Nevermind, he’s senile anyway. This flying/flyer montage goes on forever. It is, I am not kidding, not exaggerating, a full minute. Sixty solid seconds of a bird flying and animals saying, "Oh gee, a ssocka match in two weeks! Hmm!" Yes, we know, we know, there's a soccer match in two weeks, you said it six times, move on Dingo Pictures, MOVE ON! And then as the scene ends, it just gets bizarre. A pig shows up, and then the donkey, and then the pig’s like, “Hey sister, I have an idea!” And a whole bunch of pigs show up, then the rooster from part one materializes, only now he has a saxophone, and he says “Well guys what are we waiting for!” And a dog plays a snare, but it comes as the synth intro to “Oooh, Yeah!.” FADE OUT. WHAT.
(Share in the suffering and watch along with me here and then here.) FADE IN. A chipper kind of country-harpsichord tune plays over the ever-present OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. Holy crap, what is with this soundtrack? Can’t they turn that music off? It's starting to grate. Anyway, PASS a blue bird flying past a barn (an animal farm?) and the country-harpsichord tune cuts out after two seconds. Growly the black dog says, “Hey guys, come over here, I want to discuss something with you.” And then the country-harpsichord music cuts back in as a bunch of dogs do jumping jacks over a moving background— I guess it’s meant to be running? Then two other dogs just saunter over nonchalantly. One is wearing glasses and the other is a Dalmatian, no doubt fresh off the set off Dingo’s “Dalmatians.” “Jacko and I have decided to organize a soccer match,” says Growly, and I have no idea who Jacko is so I’ll just assume they’re talking about Michael Jackson. “That’s awesome,” says… Poochie. It’s Poochie, guys. From The Simpsons. Poochie the Totally Radical dog. Seriously, he’s wearing a pink baseball cap, sunglasses, and bling. Is it bling? Looking closer, it looks like it might be a chewed-off rabbit’s foot, maybe. But it’s totally Poochie. Imagine Poochie’s clothes on Santa’s Little Helper’s body. That is this dog. What. Cut to another dog. This one is lying on the ground and is gray and angry looking. “Euuuin,” he groans, sounding like he’s got dysentery, “a soccer match. That’s cool.” “And we name ourselves, the Wild Dogs,” says Growly. Back to the group of dogs, and holy shit Poochie’s head is about to explode. It’s just inflating and deflating erratically. God, that is just so creepy. While Poochie’s head go spastic, other dogs are barking, but I guess Dingo doesn’t know how to make barking sounds because they’re no sound accompanying them. As usual. The dog with glasses (I’ll call him Professor Pooch) says, “Andtheothers, what are the others called?” “The Jungle Kings.” WE FUCKING KNOW! THE AUDIENCE FUCKING KNOWS! YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT EVERY TWENTY SECONDS FOR THE PAST SIX MINUTES! JUNGLE KINGS, WILD DOGS, A SOCCER MATCH, TWO WEEKS, WE FUCKING GET IT MOVE ON!!!!! “Don’t make me laaaaugh,” says a Great Dane who must want to be a sheep dog. “The Kings of the Jungle. That’s stupid.” Okay, forget Harry, THIS is the voice of the audience! And what is it with people hearing ‘The Jungle Kings‘ and responding, ‘The Kings of the Jungle.’ Imagine if every time someone said, “The Lion King,” you answered, “The King of the Lions.” You’d sound like a moron. Cut to Poochie again, in a closer shot. I see now the stupid thing around his neck is a slingshot. Pink hat, green sunglasses, and a slingshot around his neck. Also, his sunglasses blink. … there is just so much what the fuck going on here I’m gonna move on and pretend nothing happened. So Poochie says, “The kings of the jungle, they have no chence against us.” You have no chance of survival, make your time! “Who’s in? Who want to play?” says Growly. “We need defenders, attackers, ah…” The “ah” clearly indicates that he’s run out of positions to name, probably because he knows nothing about soccer. ‘Attackers and defenders’? Seriously? No wonder the jaguar made fun of you, Growly. And you missed goalie, numbnuts. “Defender, I want to be a defender,” says the baa-ing Great Dane, who wants to be a defender. Defend against sheep, no doubt. Also, he sounds a bit like Kermit. “Well, then I’ll be a forward,” says Growly. “I can also be a forward,” says Poochie in this high-pitched voice but then we cut to a Dalmatian pup and maybe he’s the one that wants to be a forward? “I can run fast!” says the pup. “Well okay,” says Growly, “you’re a little bit small, but you’re fast, you can run between the legs.” Snerk! The rest of the dogs pick positions. One looks like the redneck offspring of Disney's Pluto and a woodchuck. Professor Pooch says, “I, would also like to take part, is there a position where you don’t have to run that much?” It’s weird how he can sound so bombastic and so dumb at the same time. “Well I can’t uh… think about anything yet but uh… I’ll find something,” says the Great Dane, who is obviously not a Great Thinker. Then again, none of these dogs are. Goalie, guys! He can play goalie! Why are you dragging this out?! “And I?” says Cromell, sounding like he’s high. (It’s a possibility.) “What can I be?” “Nothing,” says Growly. “Cromell you are waaay too small. It’s not a playground.” But… but you just said the puppy could play! You said he could go under the players’ legs, and I snerked. Don’t you remember? Inconsistent movie is inconsitotallydumb. “But it was my idea,” said Cromell, emotionlessly. “We don’t care,” says Great Dane. You gotta laugh at that. “We can’t beat the Jungle Kings (the kings of the jungle?) when we have to look after someone all the ti—” The line cuts out. “The Jungle Kings, will allow GOB to play, and, he’s just as small as me,” says Cromell, who sounds so uninterested in this. Imagine a kid giving a class presentation on the most boring subject on earth and he’s reading his note cards the entire time. That is what Cromell sounds like. What is it with Dingo Pictures and giving their main characters the dullest voices imaginable? Then again, the alternative is giving their mains goofy voices. *shudder* “GOB’s father, is the head of the lion. GOB’s father, is ahead of the lines.” I think Poochie just broke. “That is something, quite different,” says Cromell, looking pissed. I don’t know why, because it’s clear Poochie encountered a fatal error and had to reboot. And GOB’s dad is head of the lions? Is he their king? Why didn't they mention this before? Does this take place in the same universe as The Lion and the King? Questions, so many questions, and no answers. Apparently Growly cares as much about that conversation as I do, because he ignores it and announces, “So now we took care of that now we can go practicing. First of all, we’re gonna practicing shooting.” Shooting? Man, animal soccer is intense. And it makes me wonder— was Bambi’s mom really killed by hunters, or was she playing soccer, the most dangerous game of all? Back to the movie, and oh look! Nothing is happening at all! What a surprise! Even though Growly said they’d practice “shooting,” the dogs just run/do jumping jacks for about ten seconds. WHAT TIME IS IT? IT’S FILLER TIME! Poochie is dribbling a soccer ball. Yeah, you read that right, and no, I don’t get it either. This ball is actually black and white, not red like the ball Growly and Jag are fighting over. That better not become a plot inconsistency, because that is a pretty big one. The red ball is only the entire reason this movie exists. And for that, I hate it. Poochie dribbles some more. Fillah! “What a minute,” says Professor Pooch, “we still need a goalkeeper.” Noshit. “Yeah, we almost forgot,” says Redneck Pluto. A thing: He’s standing up on two legs, like a traditional funny animal, but all the other dogs are on all fours. This is becoming more and more like Animal Farm every second, isn’t it? “Butcher,” says Great Dane, “Butcher should become the goalkeeper. He will stop anything, and nobody will pass him!” That was covered when you said he would stop anything. Stupid dog! “Hey Cromell, make yourself useful, go get Butcher,” says Growly. I love how much of a jerk he is. He’s so casual about it. “Always have to do everythin’, juss because they bigger than me,” says Cromell's accent. You know who he sounds like? Tommy Wisseau. "YOA TEHRIN' ME APAHRT, GROWLY!" But, wait, hold on— Cromell is getting someone else to be goalie? I... I thought they were going to make Professor Pooch goalie. Why would they have all that set up about "a position where you don't have to run" if they weren't going to give him the position? Was it a subplot they abandoned halfway through? Did they just add it in for filler? Dumb! Was this movie written by Tommy Wisseau, too? (It wouldn't surprise me. I'm surprised how much that wouldn't surprise me.) “Go on go, try to hit the goal,” says Professor Pooch dully. Oh, I see, they must have made him team busybody. That's so much better than goalie. “Uh what goal?” says Redneck. “That one!” says Poochie! "Stupid filler!" says Ronka. Redneck runs toward the soccer ball and kicks it, sending it flying through the air with the greatest of ease. Some bizarre carnival music starts playing and all the dogs go, “Wooah, woah hoooo!” like it’s a big deal and they’ve never seen a soccer ball kicked before. Actually, considering how much they seem to know about soccer... In a cathartic scene, the ball hits Poochie square in the chest, sending him flying off screen. Forever? I dare to dream. The dogs laugh and—most wondrous—it’s accompanied by actual sounds of laughter. Is the world ending? Has Dingo finally added “half-hearted chortle” to its library of mediocre sound effects? Granted, it's closer to “wheezy crazy old-man” laughter than anything else, but hey, it’s a start. And we cut to Cromell walking. I don’t know if I can take anymore of Dingo Pictures’ “walking filler.” There was so much damn walking in Dinosaur Adventure, they should have called it Walking with Dinosaur Adventure. To top it off, while Cromell is walking they play the same stupid jaw harp music from DA. I take comfort that there are no rhyming nose-spike monsters or Harlequin-eyed dinosaurs wandering around in this world. I hope. PASS another bird flying. So we arrive at the home of Butcher, an orange bulldog. He is drawn with eyes narrowed, so he looks angry all the time. “Hi Cromell! How nice from you to visit!” [sic] he says jovially with eyes narrowed, confusing the audience. The dialogue is stupid so I’m not going to transcribe, but here’s what happens: Cromell tells Butcher they want him to play goalie, and Butcher says he doesn’t want to because he’s afraid of getting hit by the ball. I have to say, I’m kind of impressed that DP actually subverted a stereotype there. It’s still stupid, but having a bulldog with a name like Butcher play against type is at least a little interesting. Anyway, Butcher doesn’t want to play and asks if Cromell is. C-dog (see what I did there?) says they won’t let him play because he’s too small. B-dog says, “Nonsense! You’re not too small. And I shouldn’t be afraid, that you shoot the ball too hard at me. You know what? I’m just gonna tell them, I only play goalie, if Cromell plays in the game.” Okay, officially, unironically, Butcher is my fav character in the movie now. I hate DP, and this story is incredibly stupid, but that’s actually kinda sweet. I know it’s only there as a quick cheap way to get Cromell on the team so he can have the inevitable rivalry with GOB, but it’s still a pretty awesome move by Butcher. Go Butcher! The movie should just be about Butcher. … how much you wanna bet we never see him again? PASS a crow. Remember the crow that stalked the Sexy Duck Narrator back in Dinosaur Adventure? That one. This must be their Dinosaur Adventure call back sequence. Butcher and Cromell walk away, back towards the other dogs. Jaw harp music plays over OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. FADE OUT. Can you believe we are ten minutes into a thirty minute movie and next to nothing has happened? OF COURSE YOU CAN, it’s Dingo Pictures, what did you expect? Plot? Conflict? Decent storytelling? Ha! Hahahahaha! Oh, the laughter! It makes me laugh! And the laughter? Sounds like a wheezy crazy old man. Three parts down, unknown parts to go. Will the Wild Dogs accept Cromell onto the team? (Yes.) Will GOB get to play on his team? (Yes.) Will their friendship be tested by this bitter day-old rivalry? (Who cares?) Will there ever be a soccer match, or will the movie be overtaken by filler? (Yes.) And what about Butcher? (Potato.) The answers to these questions and more won’t be in brackets on the next exciting episode of— Let’s Watch Animal Soccer World!
edited 18th Sep '10 9:57:27 PM by gentlemanorcus
edited 21st Sep '10 5:44:14 PM by randomtropeloser