Let's Watch: Dingo Picture's Anastasia

^^Oh, I should have made that joke! But then, I don't play RPGs, so I didn't think of it. But that's a good one.

^ That would be true, normally, but this Russia isn't communist. It is not part of the Soviet Union— otherwise it wouldn't be a democracy. See, 'cause Rasputin wants to be elected president. See, 'cause Rasputin is alive.

This movie is so stupid.

I hope y'all brought your snarking boots, 'cause this is a long one!

Part 5: An Unshocking Discovery

Fade in on a blond young woman wearing a schnazzy pink blazer. In that cute ensemble, she hardly looks like a peasant at all! It's never said, but of course we know this is Asha/Anastasia. So far, Asha is the only character who has aged or changed wardrobe in the past six years. She has also developed the ability to make birds levitate in her palm. Extraordinary.

Boris walks up to her and— I’m going to pause here, because I want to say that Boris and Asha are STUPID names for a hero and heroine. I mean, who wants to be rescued by a guy and then have to say, “Ooooh, thank you Boris!” And Asha isn’t even a really Russian name. They just made it up! These names are awful.

There, I got that off my chest. Anyway. Boris walks over to Asha, while a jaunty tune plays in the background. It sounds like it was ripped from a 1970s instructional video. “Now, have you slept well?” says Asha.

Boris doesn’t reply because Sasha the dog is leaning against him. Boris has his hands in his pockets, so the animators don‘t have to draw them. Also, he’s in profile. I am so shocked.

“Say, c-can’t you tie up this monster?” says Boris. He neither looks nor sounds afraid of the animal.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of Sasha!” exclaims Asha. Cue long shot of Asha and Sasha— Sasha is laughing. Dogs laugh, apparently. Well, at least he‘s not ROTFLMAO like the rat was two minutes ago. God, was it really two minutes? It feels like days. “Have you heard Sasha, he is really AFRAID of yeeeeewwww.” Another expertly done awkward line reading. If there were Olympics for being unable to speak normally, the Dingo Pictures dubbers would be medallists.

Orange coat man-with-a-woman’s-voice shows up with his accent and orders Asha to make breakfast.

Before she leaves to do her woman‘s work, Asha says to Boris, “You must play with [Sasha], otherwise she won’t give you any rest.” Abuhwha? Do the writers even speak English? That is not how a native English speaker would say… well, anything.

Also during this speech, Asha’s necklace abruptly decides to die. Maybe it got tired of living in this world. It falls off her neck in the most elaborately animated scene of the movie— by which I mean, it might have as many as seven frames. Oooooh, shiny.

“Well, if you say so,” says a bored Boris. I guess he’s not afraid of dogs anymore?

No sooner is Asha gone than Boris steals her pendant. Actually, I’m not sure she’s really gone— it’s only like a half a second between her father calling her in and Boris grabbing the pendant. Surely she must have seen him.

The animation of the theft it pretty pathetic— his hand comes in from off screen and the pendant just attaches itself to his hand. It’s like a magnet. He doesn’t really grab it, it just… sticks to his fingers. He must literally have Sticky Fingers! Lol.

Also, that pendant is HUGE now. It’s like the size of Boris’ palm. He could wear it as bling and make Flava Flav jealous.

Anyway, Boris takes the ginormous pendant, which ticks Sasha off— you can tell because her eyes are pointed down as she barks. Otherwise she’d just be doing what she normally does, which is a hell of a lot of nothing. Boris soliloquises that this jumbo pendant must be worth 200 rubles, which is enough to pay off his debt. Can we add economics and basic math to the list of crimes against reason this movie perpetuates? Boris stole 200 from the old guy, filched 75 from the hobo’s brother in law, and pocketed an unknown sum for the vodka water. That’s already more than the necklace is worth, and we don’t even know if he has more debt in Moscow. Plus, 200 rubles today is like seven dollars American. And that’s enough to pay off you debt?

So Asha comes out and asks if Boris has seen her pendant, which she just realized she lost. How could you fail to notice that your pendant fell off? It’s the size of a hubcap!

Boris lies and says he hasn’t seen it around, then beats a hasty retreat. I wish I could escape this movie so easily. I love his excuse for leaving, too— “But now I have to go.” Wow, what subtlety! What art!

So first he turns around and just walks away, then after a moment he starts running. Again, as always, he’s in profile. Lazy animators.

If this were shot from another angle, like from Asha’s POV, it would be hilarious to watch him walking then running away. As it is, it’s just painful. And I know they’re trying to be serious, which makes it all the more painful.

“There must be something wrong here.” GOOD CATCH, LADY. “What do you think, Sasha?” Sasha whimpers. I’m whimpering, too.

Fade out on Asha looking off at the running Boris. There should be a WTF look on her face, but it’s the same face she always has. There is no such thing as expression in Dingo Pictures land. Oh, well, her face looks pretty WTF-y anyway.

Fade into another scene. We’re back in town. It must be Dingo Pictures Moscow, because there is nothing on the streets except one carriage that looks like it was recycled from scene one again. Boris shows up at a pawn shop and tries to sell his hubcap pendant. He never actually goes inside the store; I guess they do all their business on the streets.

I won’t comment too much on this, since it’s pretty dull. Really, any scene without Rasputin is just boring. The shop owners ask where Boris got the pendant, and he lies, saying he got it chopping wood for an old man. You can tell he’s supposed to be lying badly, but the VA is acting badly, so we get a bad actor playing a bad actor, which should result in a good actor, but in practice just ends up sounding as bad as every other line.

The shop owners are glad to hear Boris had to suffer for his pendant. Boris really wants to sell the pendant, but one of the shop owners, who must be retarded, says it looks identical to the one in the newspaper.

“Keep your mouth shut,” says the smarter but equally-stupidly drawn shop owner. Despite this, the other shop owner gives Boris the newspaper. Idiot Plot ahoy! At the least the smarter shop owner has an appropriate reaction— he’s looking up at the sky with his arms open, seemingly cursing the God who gave him such an incompetent accomplice.

Boris sees that the pendant is identical to the one the Grand Duchess gave to her granddaughter, and comes to the conclusion that Asha is Anastasia!

…

…

…

WAIT. Is Asha illiterate? Does her foster father not believe in newspapers? Do they not interact with people from Moscow? Don’t they gossip about the news? How can they not have heard about Anastasia and the pendant before? HOW IDOT PLOT IDIOT PLOT IDIOT PLOT!

Boris runs off to find Asha again, bragging to the shop owners about bringing her in and getting the reward money. Is this guy supposed to be a con man? He is the stupidest criminal in the world. He’s on par with the guy who tried to hold up a store with a banana and the guy who wore a condom over his head as a mask. Banana guy, condom guy, and Boris. I hope they all get together in prison.

Boris presumably leaves town and… the next scene is just confusing. It’s just a shot of the outside of the shop, and disembodied voices are talking. I assume it’s the shop owners, but I don’t actually know, because their accents keep changing mid-sentence. The smart shop owner berates his idiot friend, then switches accents and says they should contact Rasputin, who “will certainly be interested in what I have just heard.” How do they know Raspu— you know what, I don‘t care, let’s just move it along. The more we stop and think, the longer I have to watch this movie.

Next scene. Asha’s out walking Sasha, and Boris shows up. Asha uses her amazing thesaurus powers and calls Boris various synonyms for thief, because she’s finally figured out he stole her pendant. YOU DON’T SAY. Boris is unconcerned; he admits he has her pendant, but says it accidentally fell into his boot. His right boot, if you really want to know. Asha doesn’t believe him, and tries to sound sarcastic, but it doesn’t work. Nothing in this movie works. Everything it touches turns to ash.

Foster father guy shows up to insult Boris some more, but his thesaurus powers are clearly inferior— he only calls him a “vagabond.” Asha turns to leave in a huff. She doesn’t even try to get her pendant back— I guess the only tangible piece of her past life didn’t really mean that much to her.

Boris tells Asha to stop, asking, “where did you get the-the thing.” The thing? Boris’ thesaurus-fu is very weak—he can’t even think of one other word for “pendant.” Clearly he an Asha are incompatible.

Or maybe the actor just lost his place in the script again. Or the writers suck. Any and all are possible.

Whatever. Boris tells Asha and her dad that the pendant was “from the possession of the former tsar.” I don’t even know what that means. I’ll just pretend he said, “the pendant belonged to Anastasia” or something that doesn’t sound stupid.

“From the tsar’s possession?” says Asha. Crap, I can’t pretend it away, they just said it again. Is this a term I’m just not familiar with?

Orange coat man reveals that Asha is not his real daughter: “I mean, she’s my real daughter NOW, but as a matter of fact, I found her.” I found her. Right. Like you find a puppy or quarter. This is how you talk about your daughter to strangers?

Another pointless animal shot, but this time it’s a crow! For those unfamiliar with Dingo Pictures’ other movies (you lucky, lucky people), they always inexplicably have three crows sitting on branch in them. It appeals to the studio’s dual love of reusing their own footage and pointless animal shots. This time, though, there’s only one crow; I guess their Xerox machine was busted. The crow makes up for it by hamming it up for the camera despite doing nothing useful and adding nothing to the scene.

And then, in a flash, he’s gone. Just like every other pointless animal in the movie. Goodbye, Dingo Crow! I hope you actually get eaten by a dingo!

We get some banal dialogue explaining things we just watched ten minutes ago. What is it with this movie and repeating information we already know? We know Asha is not orange coat man’s real daughter, we know it happened six years ago, we know she doesn’t remember her parents, we know we know we know we know! I don’t care if Boris doesn’t know, he can find out in a way that doesn’t repeat scenes we JUST WATCHED. ARGH!

Boris listens to Asha and father spouting off ways Asha is like Anatasia, then exclaims “Asha is genuine— the genuine Anastasia!” Animation note: His lips are moving funny, so at first I thought he was only thinking it, but Asha actually comments on what he says, and then I realized that it was just another lip synching fail. He wasn’t thinking at all. He’s just like the people at Dingo Pictures.

More banal dialogue that only serves to delay the inevitable reveal that Asha is Anastasia. Oh, my. How surprising. I am surprised. Everyone watching is surprised. Sur. Prize. Asha refuses to believe she’s the lost princess, so Boris’ arm extends out of his torso and hands the newspaper over to Asha.

Okay, so clearly she can read. What was their excuse for not getting this news sooner, then? Other than overwhelming stupidity?

Asha reads— or maybe not. “That looks like my pendant!” she says. Maybe she’s only looking at the pictures. Asha’s foster father and the dog both walk off, leaving Asha and Boris alone. Why? Never explained! Asha and Boris talk some more about how she is totes Anastasia, and she’s like, “RRRRRUBBISH!”

Woo! Second “rubbish” of the movie! I mean, second use of the word— obviously the whole movie is complete rubbish.

Anyway, Asha continues to refuse to believe she’s Anastasia. You’d think she’d be a bit more open to the idea— I mean, she said herself she doesn’t remember anything about the night orange-coat found her. Plus, she has the pendant that was “from the possession of the former tsar.”

… seriously, I still don’t get that.

Anywho, Boris continues his attempt to convince Asha and her dad that she’s “the genuine Anastasia,” and Asha continues to be thick about it. This scene goes on for waaaaaaaaay to long. I am so bored right now. Suddenly, orange-coat calls out to his daughter.

Oh, so this is why he walked off— he had to sit down to read the paper!

…no wait that makes no sense. Why couldn’t he just stay in the scene and do that? Why’d he have to walk off? They had to animate him, why go through the extra effort and— no, Ronka, stop, breathe, let it go, get it over with.

Anyway, the father is sitting in a chair in front of his cabin, in a way that looks like he’s taking a dump. He’s also reading the newspaper, making it look even more like— you know what, I’ll just stop that train of thought.

Asha and Boris come running to see him. Ha, ha, that’s a lie, they’re just walking slowly and casually. In profile. Again.

For about eight seconds, while they walk, the movie is completely silent. I know eight seconds doesn’t sound like a lot, but in a movie, it is. Count off eight second right now.

It’s a bit long, right? Long enough to grind a movie to a halt and make everything awkward. And we, the audience, are treated to this experience, watching a movie where nothing happens with no sound. Asha and Boris walk, the father looks weird, and they do this all in complete silence. It’s just… bad. I don’t know how else to describe it— it’s so terrible.

Think of the sound designers, people. Say a little prayer for them.

So Asha and Boris, after several painstaking minutes of total quiet, meet up with her father. He says there is a picture of the little Anastasia, and “I must say she looks exactly like you when I had found you.”

No. That is not English. Stop it. Stop abusing my mother tongue. STOP IT.

You can’t see me now, but I am actually flailing my chubby little arms around in impotent rage. Everything about this movie makes me hate it more. I wish Rasputin would show up and kill these people, then say something stupid so at least I could laugh again.

Alas, I don’t get that. I get Boris FINALLY convincing Asha to go to Paris, so she can meet the Grand Duchess and possibly get her memories back. He’s also throwing up the horns again, but that’s really the least ridiculous part of this scene.

Boris wants her to go to Paris with him, but the father says they’ll ALL be going. “I wouldn’t let Asha go away from home alone. We must keep an eye on such a little crook like you.” This dialogue deserves an Oscar. There are Oscar for “Writer Most Deserving a Crowbar to the Head,” right?

While orange-coat says that, we get this blibvert shot of Asha smiling. It’s up and gone in a fraction of a second, and I don’t know if it was just a cutting room mistake or if it was put there on purpose or if it’s some sort of subliminal message. What kind of subliminal message could it be? I dunno— maybe it’s the spirit of Don Bluth’s Anastasia, crying out for vengeance.

Sasha the dog barks, and apparently Asha has learned to speak dog as well, because she replies, “Yes Sasha if we have to go to Paris you will come with us of course.” No pauses, no breath, no normal person would talk like that. Arrrrrrrgh. And fade out the moment she delivers her line.

ARGH. THIS IS POINTLESS STUPID SHIT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

How much of this is left— oh God, another twelve minutes. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this with my sanity intact— I think it’s already been permanently damage. This is just so awful. So very, very awful. And it’s not even ha-ha awful it’s just boring awful, which makes it even more awful, somehow.

I’m taking another break. I can’t watch anymore of this today. The stupid story, the awful dialogue, the cardboard characters, the pointless animal shots, the terrible animation, the complete absence of anything resembling entertainment, the sheer boredom…

I need to recover. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

To be continued…unfortunately for me.

edited 27th Apr '10 4:51:00 PM by Ronka87

I feel stupider from watching this, but I can't look away.

I do actually know a guy named Boris, btw. It's not so bad.

edited 27th Apr '10 4:59:57 PM by melloncollie

I just don't think it's a good name for a hero— I blame Naming Conventions. "Boris" conjures up images of big burly Russians, not suave Jerk with a Heart of Gold Russians.

I dunno, the Boris I knew was pretty goodlooking and had a lot of girl friends. Of course Your Milage May Vary about the guy, but he's kinda skewed my perception of Borises being huge fat Russian guys with grey beards.

That said, I wouldn't mind having a Husky Russkie as a male lead ^___^

edited 27th Apr '10 5:33:23 PM by melloncollie

Everyone except Rasputin sounds like a native english speaker. They couldn't ad-lib to make the lines sound less forced?

Jeebus cripes, the amateur film and podcast projects we watched today in my lit class had better acting than this. And a good fourth of the people in that class aren't native English speakers.

Why is this film.

^ Because tax write-offs.

why is the poster in German, if this is set in Russia

There were actually quite a few Germans in Russia. However, the German poster was probably a lucky coincidence.

Oh wait: I forgot to sign in with my proper username. Sorry.

About two-thirds of the way in, and I'm not quite insane yet! Let's see how much longer I can hold out.

Part 6: I Wonder Whether the Weather Will Change?

Fade in on Rasputin, in town. I mean, in the city. Of Moscow. Where apparently nobody lives, because it is as deserted as ever. “RRRrrrrrr arrrrRRRrre you surrrRRRrrre that Borrris has got the old duchess’ pendant?” says Rasputin’s accent.

The smarter shop owner, who for some reason is carrying a set of scales, says, “You know all I’ve told you, and I’m never wrong in things like this.” What happened to his accent? I mean, he still sounds like a woman, but didn’t he used to have an accent?

Whatever, I’m not going back to check. I promised myself I wouldn’t watch this movie more than I have to.

Rasputin wants to know who Asha is and where she lives, but the smart shop owner can only tell him her name. He does know, however, that Boris will certainly have found her and be on his way to Paris to collect the reward.

Okay, I get how the shop owner knows Boris, but how does he know Rasputin? Did he campaign for him or something? And how does he know that Rasputin wants to capture Anastasia? Does he just shout it from the streets or something? Once again, the plot is never explained.

The rat that has been perched on Rasputin's shoulder suddenly leaps off. He doesn’t fall, he just jumps off and off screen. It’s like a flying squirrel rat. That rat was never explained, either, was it? It just shows up, talking for no reason at all.

Rasputin declares that it is “a LONG WAY to Pareeeeeesss” and he’ll catch up to them on the way. Meanwhile, the rat leaps onto the stupid shop owner, who has a delayed reaction to a FUCKING GIANT RAT JUMPING ON HIS SHOULDER.

Why does that scene even happen? What possible purpose does the leaping rat serve?

Whateves. Rasputin calls for a coach and suddenly the rat is on his shoulder again. So they had the rat jump onto the other guy for literally no reason. It’s just another in a loooooong list of pointless animal moments in this equally pointless movie.

As Razzy walks away, grumbling to himself, the smart shop owner demands his hundred rubles. Because apparently Rasputin promised him a hundred rubles to give him information. Rasputin doesn't pay, because he's eeeeeeeevil. Oh no, shop owner, you’ve lost, like, three bucks. How hard for you.

Rasputin ignores the shop owner, kind of like I try to do, and keeps on walking. He’s still in profile, but it’s just a mid-shot, so all they have to do to make it seem like he’s walking is move his torso up and down slightly. I didn’t think it possible, but they found a way to make their animation look even cheaper. Jackasses. While Razzy walks away, grumbling, the rat says, “Too late! Too late!”

… no, I won’t comment, I just want this horrible experience over with.

Of course they fade out, and the next scene is a long shot, starring everyone’s favourite carriage! I never noticed until now, but the wheels don’t turn properly. One of them is huge and they don't rotate at the same rate. Also, it looks like the carriage is just floating over the snow.

There’s some happy midi harp music, which means they must all be having fun frolicking in the snow.

They drive into the woods, then we get the crappiest looking flock of birds in the history of animation. I hear Asha say, “Look!” and I think she’s talking about the birds, but then I realize…

“The snow is gone! It’s already springtime here!”

And suddenly the background is sunny and green.

…

…

…

WHAT. What what what what WHAT. It’s been like two fucking seconds! Snow doesn’t disappear that quickly! You don’t just go into the woods and spot a flock of sparrows and BOOM it’s spring! How much time is supposed to have passed? BECAUSE WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S NOT ENOUGH.

Oh, whatever, let’s get on with it. So the scene changes and instead of a white winter wonderland, we get pastoral green fields.

Orange coat man says— they never gave him a name, you know that? We’re two-thirds of the movie in, and that fat guy in the orange coat with the stupid accent and a woman’s voice still doesn’t have a name. That’s just pathetic. He’s a main character. He’s been in this movie more than Boris has. He deserves at least a name. Plus, I’m kinda tired of calling him "orange coat guy." From now on, I am calling the orange coat guy Ivan. I thought about Vodka Drunkenski, but I don’t always want to be writing that.

So Ivan tells the two in the back to stop “fidgeting around, otherwise the coach will topple over.” Why are they fidgeting? Is this… their romantic bonding time or something? If it is, there are a few scenes missing.

Also, what kind of lame ass carriage is this that it can’t stand a couple of people moving around? Maybe if the wheels were the same size and there were more than two of them this wouldn't happen. Anyway, Ivan is talking and then WOAH.

Sorry, I was just jarred by an abrupt scene change. Before Ivan can even finish his line, we cut to Rasputin racing along in his coach— um, chariot? Weird rickshaw thing? Anyway, he's riding in something, and it’s black and driven by a black horse, because Rasputin is eeeeeeeeevil. Also, in Rasputin land, it’s still winter. Snow everywhere, pine trees, carriages floating on air— you know the drill.

“CHIAP!” says Rasputin, beating his horse. “CHIAP! Faaaassssterrrrrrr! Ch!”

…I have no idea.

So Razzy is racing, Dingo Picture’s poor attempt at action music is thumping along in the background (it sounds like a broken washing machine), and we cross-cut to the heroes, who are just trotting along in their wagon.

Cross-cutting is actually an appropriate way of formatting this sequence, since it’s an action scene and the events are happening simultaneously. It should work, but of course they foul it up, since everything Dingo Pictures touches turns to shit. They're like a reverse Midas.

Asha and company decide to stop in front of a field to take a break, killing the sense of urgency the cross-cutting creates. There is also a difference in music between the scenes— when we’re with the heroes, the light classical midi music plays, but when Rasputin is on, we get the washing machine beat. Instead of being an exciting chase sequence, it just looks really goofy. But, since they tried a real editing technique, we’ll give them an E for Effort. (E still comes after F.)

Another jarring part of the scene is how quickly Rasputin rides through the countryside. I made a big fuss about the sudden change from winter to spring when the heroes were on, and it’s no less weird when Rasputin does it. In fact, it seems more ridiculous because of all the ridiculous things happening at the same time.

But I’ve already talked about the idiot weather, and repeating things I just only five minutes ago just makes me more like them.

So Asha wants to stop in front of a wheat field because she likes the setting. Ivan Orange Coat also wants to stop: "I’m hungry. Apart from that, my bones needs a little bit of a movement.”

… no, I’ve already made one poo joke here, another one is beneath me.

While they’re lounging about, Rasputin continues his chase. We cut back to our heroes; the horse is eating, the dog is performing jumping jacks, and Boris comes out of the fields with a giant pot, announcing he’ll make borscht.

Ivan laughs at him, but Asha wants to know why Boris wouldn’t be able to cook. Ivan replies, “If he can distinguish a cucumber from a tomato you can call me Trotsky.”

…

…

…NO! No, no movie, don’t do this to me. Please. I was fine before. I just assumed you knew nothing about Russian history and we were operating in some sort of fantasy Russia where Communism never existed and Rasputin was alive and democracy was established the moment the tsar died. I was fine with that… sort of. I mean, it was stupid, but I could forget it because there are worse things going on in this movie. And then you go and pull out Trotsky? Leon Trotsky, Lenin’s second-in-command, one of the leaders of the October Revolution, one of those Names to Know in Communist Russia? HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT TROTSKY WHEN COMMUNISM DOESN’T EXIST?!?!? It’s a fucking DEMOCRACY! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, MOVIE, BECAUSE RASPUTIN WANTS TO BE THE EVIL PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA! I’m not asking for much, I’m not asking you to actually do a micron of research and crack open a text book to learn about Russian history— I’m just asking for internal consistency!

AND WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET THAT POT? IT COME OUT OF NOWHERE!

GAAAAAAHHHHHH!

I need this to be done.

Asha and Sasha go for a walk. Rasputin is not far behind the heroes, but his horse has stopped running— it is gasping for breath. Rasputin yells at it, having no clue why it would stop running.

Okay, Rasputin, you know I love you, you’re Russian’s greatest love machine and everything, but this is just dumb. Being evil doesn’t mean being stupid— if you want to abuse animals to show how evil you are, fine, do it, but be aware that what you’re doing is evil. Evil acts committed out of stupidity aren’t evil, they’re just pathetic.

The rat jumps off Rasputin’s arm again, and we get another pointless animal shot of a jumping squirrel or something, and Sasha shows up to chase the rat, and the rat stops to tease Sasha by giving her the world’s worst raspberry. It looks like its face is spasming.

The jumping squirrel shows up again, in close-up, and laughs. With a human voice.

That freaks me out, and I have no idea why.

Apparently the rat has a name; Rasputin calls it “Kilk” and demands Sasha stop chasing it. “You leave Kilk alone you BLOODY MONGRRRREL! Arggggh!”

Wow, he’s pretty passionate about that rat. That’s the most emotion I’ve heard in his voice the whole movie. But, what’s up with the British slang? The VAs are clearly not British— are the writers?

Oh, forget it. I gave up on the language issues in this movie when the shop owner’s accent inexplicably disappeared.

Sasha backs away, looking kinda scared, and Rasputin berates his rat for nearly getting eaten. Asha shows up to berate Rasputin: “How DARE you swear at my dog like that he is NOT a bloody mongrel.” I like that she added the rolling Rs in there.

Rasputin and Asha start to argue, but Asha decides to leave. “I don’t WANT to be offended by him like that. We go back to f-old father and Boris.” That’s not a typo or anything, she’s actually just missing a verb. The acting is just so bad, I can easily believe she screwed up the reading and they were too lazy to go back and record a better version.

Of course, she said the magic word (Boris— remember how everyone in Moscow knows Boris?) and Rasputin now realizes the girl is Anastasia: “What did she say? Old fatherr and BORIS. That was ANASS-TAH-ZIA! AaaaAAAAuuuh am I am idiot! That coulda been my chance! (indecipherable garbage) What an idiot what a crank I am.”

Pathetic dialogue aside, why don’t you just go chase after her? She left, like, less than a second ago. You can probably still see her walking away. Just reach out with your arm and grab her or something!

So, so far, we’ve got character design, sound design, music, animation, backgrounds, politics, economics, math, geography, logic, history, psychology, biology, editing, and meteorology on the list of Things Dingo Pictures Doesn’t Understand. Might as well add “time and space” on; they certainly deserve it for this bit of stupidity.

Boris and Ivan (how sad is it the RAT gets a name and old father orange coat doesn’t?) are sitting around, looking at the enormous pot. “Asha,” says her father, “do you smell that it’s delicious MMMMMMMmmmmm delicious perhaps this Boris is not such a bad guuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyy… After all. Hmmm? Whatdyouthink?”

I think it’s shit.

And is he trying to pair Asha and Boris? Because that just... ooooyyyyyyyy.

More terrible dialogue as Asha explains she encountered a rude man in the forest who swore at Sasha. Blah blah he had a rat blah blah it was a tame rat blah blah blah.

Boris seems to know who he is. “Rat? A man with a rat? Black beard, long nose, rather thin?”

Pfft. Rasputin in this movie is many things, but is not thin. I would have said, "Huge, bald, yellow-to-orange skin, beard as thick as his accent, and only has four moving parts?"

But apparently Boris' description is sufficient, and he exclaims “That can only be Rasputin! Everyone in Moscow laughs at him and his rat. What could he be doing he.”

“Rasputin,” "interrupts" Ivan. (He doesn't really, Boris just stops talking.) “It has been said that it is Rasputin who set fire to the tsar's palasss!”

“Gasp!!” says Sasha the dog. Or maybe it's Asha, I don’t really care.

“And what is told beyond that is that he wants to kill the tsar’s daughter!”

Ivan, how do you know that? You didn’t even know the Grand Duchess was looking for Anastasia, and it was everywhere. How could you know who Rasputin was, and that he burnt down the palace, and that he wants Anastasia dead? And if you knew, how come Boris didn’t?

INTERNAL CONSISTENCY, MOTHERFUCKER. DO YOU SPEAK IT?

“I don’t want to be killed by Rasputin do something about it Boris!” whines Asha. (She must do breathing exercises or something.) Now, normally I'd be sympathetic to a woman whose life is in danger, but I actually kinda want her to die, just to end this movie faster.

Boris is throwing up the horns yet again, but is otherwise unconcerned. “I already have,” he says, “getting rid of pursuits is part of my job. I’ve have a lot of practice at it.”

Okay, honest laugh # 4. Don’t worry, it goes back to sucking immediately. “Up ‘til now Rasputin has pursued us. But from now on we will pursue Ras-poutine.” Mmmmm, poutine. This movie would be infinitely better if it was smothered in gravy and cheese curds and was a plate of fries instead of a movie.

The father doesn’t get it, but Asha does. The plan is to hide in some bushes and wait until Rasputin passes them.

In reality, this plan has some flaws. What if Raspoutine stops and checks the camp? What if he stops ahead of them, and they run into him while they're following? Why do they even need to follow him— why not just wait a few days until he’s well and gone?

And here's the big one: So what if Rasputin finds them? There are three of them and one of him. He doesn’t have any cartoon bomb, he doesn't have gun or a sword, he's not a wizard— he just has a stupid rat and stupider accent. What’s he gonna do?

Whatever, Asha thinks it’s a brilliant plan. She compliments Boris’ skills at evading pursuers and cooking borscht, in a scene that is probably setting up their romance but has no emotion in it at all. They just stare at each other with blank open smiles. Boris kinda looks like a gremlin, a bit.

“Good heavens!" says Ivan, thankfully interrupting before Boris eats Asha. "If you keep on like this you will become a real couple of gangsters! Well let’s get to work, huh? Get busy.”

You are going to regret saying that, Ivan. Trust me on this.

To be continued…

Because I figured that it had to be posted at some point

That song is about a million times more entertaining than any moment in this movie.

All the horses have the same stupid face.

I CANNOT GET OVER THIS.

Borscht! Because we didn't have enough awful Russian stereotypes in this movie, amirite?

Also, I think Sasha mysteriously changed gender on us.

Even more frightening: While leafing through some links to the other Dingo stuff... they apparently made an Atlantis The Lost Empire rip-off. My god. I don't know if I can stomach that one.

Guys, I just finished the seventh part of this, and I'm in shock. It's not over, I haven't reached the end, but I... I think I'm having a meltdown or something. It's just, I don't know how to put it into words. This movie has broken something. Inside me.

I was watching, and snarking, like always, and everything was fine, but then suddenly...

I can't say it. You'll have to read. But honestly, I am in shock. It's just so... ACK!

Read it, please. Help me make sense of this senseless thing.

Part 7: Molested

(link)

Fade in on— “Is that far enough?”

“It should be far enough.”

That’s what she said! Wait, what’s going on? We haven’t faded into the next scene yet, and already Asha and Boris are feeding us porn dialogue? What’s going on?

We are treated to a brief shot of our three heroes, plus horse and carriage, and dog, poorly hidden behind a bush. Maybe a hedge. Some sort of plant.

Rasputin arrives, cracking his whip. “Eeeuh! Yaaeuh! Giop! Faster!”

What is “giop”? Is that like Russian for “faster,” or is it just more garbled Rasputainian nonsense?

Rasputin drives right past our heroes, even though they are fairly visible.

“It worked! It worked!” cries Boris. “What do you say now?”

“Now,” says Ivan, “we have enough time to eeeeeeeeeeat.”

Pointless woodpecker pecking at wood.

Ivan and Sasha are eating some stew, and Boris and Asha walk on scene. To no point, apparently, because what we get next is a close-up of Ivan. To my shock, his face actually changes position— he goes from blank to smiling, kinda, as he eats the delicious stew.

This is so pointless.

We catch up with Rasputin, who has arrived at a road. Apparently the locals use Crayola crayons as milestones. “We should haff kot up with them alREADY by noowww,” says Rasputin. “Giop! Faster!”

He passes the road, then an inn, then he arrives at— the border to France? Oh you’ve got to be shitting me. How long has it been since they left— five minutes? And it’s already turned into spring and they’ve crossed, what, at least twelve countries?

The border is so stupid looking, too. It’s just a hut less than half the size of the people guarding it with the word FRANCE emblazoned on the front. A round sign (white centre, red outline), that our European readers will notice is in fact a modern speed limit sign, has some indecipherable writing on it. The border is patrolled by two soldiers in plain blue uniforms: One of them is fat and bald, and the other has a magnificent moustache and is, of course, wearing your standard bicorn hat. This movie was made in a country that shares a border with France— you’d think they’d be a bit less stereotypical. Then again, considering their treatment of Russia, with its horrible accents, eternal winter, and vodka-drinking, borscht-eating peasants, I shouldn’t be surprised.

“Suspicious subject in front of us!” says moustache man, his hand firmly embedded in his jacket, Napoleon-style. If they’re in front of you, do you have to say it? “Only rumma ma blahug.” I didn’t catch that— no matter how many times I scroll back, it just comes on out sounding like “asdfghjkl;”.

“We’ll have, a careful look at him,” says baldy in a voice that SO does not match his appearance. Talk about Vocal Dissonance. Jeez, they couldn’t get the male actor to play that guy? Or at least tell the woman actor to lower her voice, instead of pitching it higher? Jeez.

“Schtop! Schtop!” says moustache. We get a close-up on him, with a nice view into his nostrils. How… flattering.

Long shot, and the fat guy has his hand held out— like that’s going to stop an oncoming wagon. Actually, it does— Rasputin’s carriage stops, in a scene you might remember from Bug Bunny cartoons. You know, well-animated stuff.

“What do you want?” says someone.

“What do you want to let me through I’m in a rrrrrush!” He sure is. I guess you could say he’s a— rushin’!

…well it’s still better than anything in they could come up with.

“We realize that,” says moustache. Aw, the border patrol really DOES care! And all along I thought they were just there to limit the amount of alcohol and cigarette I can bring into the country.

“WHY are you in such a rush?” says squeaky fatman. Ugh, that voice is just so awful. “What are you running frommmmm.”

“Run away?!” says Rasputin. “That’s NONSENSE. Nowww (blank) away you stupid fool!”

“What did you say?” says moustache. Someone set us up the bomb? “CLOTHES!”

Alright, I’m not certain he said clothes, but it sounds like clothes and I’m tired of trying to decipher these guys. If you’ve ever been in an acting class, or taken any kind of public speaking course, you know you should ENUNCIATE your words. If you wonder why— this is why.

They should show Anastasia to acting classes, to stress the importance of speaking clearly.

“Stupid fools!” says squeaker. Oh, I guess they’re repeating Rasputin’s insults? When did he compare people to clothes? What word sounds like clothes?

Maybe he just says “fools” again. I’m not feeling very Sherlockian today, which is sad, because I’m usually very Sherlockian. It’s in my sig and avatar and everything.

“You’re arrested!” says moustache. “For inSULTing civil servant!” No plural.

Razzy grumbles some more, flashing his pearly whites the whole time.

Is… that the end? Seriously? Rasputin gets arrested by the French border patrol for “inSULTing civil servant(s)”? How… anticlimactic. I mean, wow. That came outta nowhere. That came outta nowhere so fast it’s almost a Mind Screw. And he’s not fighting them off or running away or anything? He’ll just go to prison quietly?

I… wha… buh… how…

Oh, let’s just get it over with.

Our heroes are back on the road and trotting slowly toward the crayon milestones. They arrive at the border; the gendarmes or soldiers or whatever are still in the process of arresting Rasputin. I won’t make a comment about time, I won’t make a comment about time, I won’t make a comment about time, I won’t make a comment about time…

So they arrive at the border, and Rasputin’s being arrested. Guess we’re not through with him yet. The patrol tell our heroes to “carry on” about four times. Rather than just do what the border patrol tells them, Asha asks why they’re going through the border so quickly. HONESTLY, WOMAN? Why do you want to be held up at the border? You piece of shit idiot hag die in a death fire agony burn it destroy gak gak gak gak gak gak gak gaaaaakk!

Moving on. Asha asks the general what’s going on (that’s a general? Oh whatever) and Rasputin growls, “Anastasia, I’ve got you at last!”

And he starts waving around a sword.

I… uh. I should be asking where the sword comes from, why he never mentioned it before, why the soldiers let him keep it. I should be asking all this stuff. But I actually don’t care. “Because because” is the only answer the movie is going to give me, so I’m just going to cut my losses right now.

Rasputin starts waving the sword around in front of the horse, who’s all, “ZOMGWTFBBQ?” Either it or Asha, don’t know don’t care, wails in fear. Probably Asha, her face goes from “blankly content” to “SHOCK OMG” in about a second.

The guards put a gun to Rasputin’s nose (clearly the source of his evil power), saying “I KNEW there was something wrong with him!”

Squeaker says. “EXXXXXcuse me madame he must be a madman, you can tell that by… the… rat.”

Moustache says, “We’ll take him away. He won’t molest you again so quickly!”

…

“He won’t molest you again so quickly.”

…

He won’t… molest you… again… so quickly.

…

He won’t… molest you… again…

So quickly.

I… oh, for fuck’s sake.

That’s it. That’s it, guys. I am never going to top that. There is nothing that could possibly happen in the remaining four minutes that could be better than that. I am done. I’m lost at sea. I have no idea where to go from here. There is nowhere to go from here— there’s nothing left to say. The movie has said it all. “He won’t molest you again so quickly!” It’s perfection in the form of a sentence.

I need a break. It’s the middle of a scene, but I have to take a break. Fuck Rasputin, fuck Anastasia— THIS is the real climax of the film, and I need to recuperate. Its weight is too great for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

“He won’t molest you again so quickly.”

My God, it’s full of stars.

Wait 'til you see Paris. It looks like an Impressionist painting.

Why do I keep reading the thread title as "Dingo Pictures' Anesthesia?"

All of France, in such a tiny cottage! That thing must be a real TARDIS.

And now, may I bring you some tea and cookies to help nurse your broken soul?

Again, I'm completely late in pointing out the joke potential, but:

This dialogue deserves an Oscar. There are Oscar for “Writer Most Deserving a Crowbar to the Head, ” right?

I assume this must be the acclaimed Freeman Award.

Still, excellent recap so far. Please try to finish this as soon as possible, if only so that the movie won't molest your mind again so quickly.

How will Rasputin die? Will Anastasia meet the Grand Duchess? We'll find out, and the answer will be more boring and anti-climactic then we can possibly imagine!

Something tells me Rasputin isn't going to even die.

Probably because they couldn't be bothered to draw him a dying animation.

They could just make him fall down without making any other animation frames, although that would venture into So Bad, It's Good territory.

Well, I've watched ahead, and I know his eventual fate.

It's... "special"

Thanks for the comments, guys. I think I've recovered enough to sit through the final part of the movie. Probably.

Does anyone else find it really hard to work up the nerve to actually watch this? Every time I sit down to write, I end up procrastinating somehow. I have the movie open in my tab, and the processors open, but I just can't motivate myself to watch. I think I've actually somehow trained my mind to resist watching because it's that terrible.

But enough stalling tactics. This movie isn't going to savage itself.