Let's Watch the Watchmen: I haven't read the comic.

I know three things about Watchmen: It is the Magnum Opus of Alan Moore, who is a genius (also Rasputin). Secondly, memes. Third, something about a squid, or lack of squid.

I will read the comic when I own it, and it will be better than the movie so I figure I should watch it first so I don't end up hating the movie.

I will be watching the Ultimate Edition or what-have-you, the version with extended scenes and something about pirates. Arrh! I'm in for a long three hours. This had better be good.

I'm a tad nervous. I worship Alan Moore like a god of creativity, but Zack Snyder directed this. I hated 300 and I don't know how much of it was Snyder and how much was Frank Miller. Onward!

In moments, we shall proceed. Do not post until I have completed the movie, please.

I have been forwarned by a friend that My Chemical Romance, who I hate with fiery passion, have made a terrible cover of Bob Dylan's Desolation Row for the credits. THEY MADE A COVER OF MY FAVORITE SONG FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU

Ahem, let us begin.

EDIT: YOU MAY POST, JUST DO NOT SPOIL UNTIL I GET THERE.

edited 14th Nov '10 8:21:23 PM by NotADuck

I hated 300

bwahahahaha

There's plenty of slow-mo, but I thought it was less egregious. I found 300 unbearably silly but was ok with Watchmen. I would not say the fight scenes are the high point, though.

Pan out from smiley face.

Well, clearly it's during the late Cold War.

It looks like the Eighties. Why is Nixon president? Great Nixon actor, by the way. I'm assuming prosthetics.

Who is Dr. Manhattan? Assuming his name refers to the Manhattan project, I'm going to guess nuclear powered madman.

That it is the Eighties is confirmed by the presence of Mad TV.

Our hero relaxes to a commercial, WHEN AN INTRUDER.

Gratutious slow mo fight set up.

TV gets shot, music becomes soundtrack, fight gets fucking brutal.

Our mustachioed hero is losing, quick, knife fight!

Ouch!

Non-sequitur about jokes and mom.

And out the window!

Smiley face with pin, iconic, we go into it's eye!

Yay! Bob Dylan!

Old-timey heroes! Hot lady with newspaper. Bank robber foiled.

Superhero photo!

No! Nagasaki! The hot lady is responsible!

V-Day! Nurse. Lesbian superhero replaces Sailor in iconic photo!

"No capes!" Haha.

Random "Last Supper" reference. Hot lady pregnant.

Mothra is crazy! "Lesbian whores!" What a jerk. I hate him.

Whore, red headed kid, atomic bomb?

Kennedy shakes hand of blue man, Kennedy shot.

Our Mustachioed hero shot Kennedy! Holy Shit!

Hot lady argues while daughter creeps down hallway while Vietnamese monk burns.

Crooks tied up to fire-hydrant, weird symbol.

Soviets and Castro look at fighters.

Hippies just got shot while placing a flower in a gun! Holy shit!

Other stuff with art, the moon.

A superhero outside Studio54 with the village people.

New heroes.

Nixon elected for third term. You damn superheroes made an Alternate History!

Zoom out from smiley face.

edited 14th Nov '10 8:20:29 PM by NotADuck

There is a generic cop scene with the guessing the motive. I know the motive! He shot Kennedy!

Weird blimp, I guess even Alternate History that diverged recently need some.

Everything goes all film-noir as we are introduced to Rorschach. He seems to need mental-help. Cool grappling gun though. I really like his mask, and his voice.

Mustachioed man had a portrait of the hot-lady.

Mustachioed man was a superhero. This surprises Rorschach. Durr!

I think this "Moloch" is the real killer. (Doubt it)

Comedian? Sounds like the joker.

Run Rorschach, ethnically balanced cops! The cops quickly get pwned.

Mothra is crazy! "Lesbian whores!" What a jerk. I hate him.

Whuh? Moth-guy didn't have anything to do with those murders.

Comedian? Sounds like the joker.

Funny that you say that.

An old man narrates as we pan away from framed picture of old-timey supers. Pausing quickly, I see that it is 1940.

From left to right. Lesbian heroine. Crazy Mothra. Man who shouldn't have worn a cape. Man with nice package. Generic Man. The Comedian (Le Gasp!). Hot-lady. And finally, what appears to be a walking Racist joke.

Yay?

The narrator explains that they dressed up to counter crooks dressed up! A ha! Vaguely plausible! The old man is talking to a young man.

Edit: ACCIDENTAL POST. I'm really bad at this.

edited 14th Nov '10 8:35:05 PM by NotADuck

Old Man name drops entire team, I notice he is one short. I'm guessing these guys may be important, or may not. You never know with the Moore.

Old Man is adorable. Nixon has been voted for five times! It would appear the this Nite Owl is a Legacy Character, and the young man is the second one. Nixon got rid of superheros. What a crook.

Old Man gets fake offended by language, does old-timey punching poses. Old Man's name is Hollis. Must remember.

Assuming you mean the guy in a noose, he was German in the comic.

Rorschach is a vigilante in a world where that is EVEN MORE illegal, yeah.

You're lying, Nite Owls. Of course you miss it.

Le Gasp! The lock has been broken. Fists clench...dangerously.

The reveal! It's Rorschach, eating beans. Cold beans...the fiend.

Dan, must remember name. Rorschach has bad grammar.

We see the Comedians smiley face. With blood, then we see the...Owl...cave?

Nixon is using superheros to overturn Latin American communism?

Rorschach accuses Hollis, Dan doesn't like it.

Rorschach's identity is still a secret. He sees paranoid and ranting about society. He walks off. They used to be partners. Dan sits down to low-key music.

Journel time. He seems convinced Nuclear Holocaust is coming. Ignores hooker.

We suddenly descend into animation. I emit a Flat "What" and pause to post.

edited 14th Nov '10 8:51:10 PM by NotADuck

This must be the pirate thing I was warned about. I don't get it.

Man floating in corpse. Burning ship. Ridley has survived? Who is Ridley? Ridley dies!

Pirates chant for more blood! What do "men's brains," smell like, I wonder? Our sailor gropes figurehead.

So it's a comic book. Black kid is reading it, while newsstand owner seems to believe nuking Russia would have no negative consequences. Apparently Dr. Manhattan could apparently do it himself. Red headed Doomsayer doesn't get his paper.

We see "Veidt" who is also Ozymandias. Terrible name, doesn't he know the implications. He seems like a douche. Although he is trying to save the planet. So, go him?

Twin towers with Airships From Another World!

Hugs Dan weirdly. First name Adrian. Newspaper printing "Doom."

Comedian was a fascist. Apparently, few of them know each others true identities.

All the nukes will not end all life on Earth. I call bullshit.

Rockefeller? Really, Rorschach. Ya crazy fool.

According to Rorschach:

Dan=Flabby failure. Silk Spectre Uno=Bloated whore. Silhouette="Indecent lifestyle" The lesbian? So that means Hot-Lady is a bloated, aging whore. Adrian Veidt="Possibly homosexual, must remember to investigate further." Whatever floats your boat, Rorschach.

He is there to warn Manhattan.

GIANT BLUE ASS. I pause to post/ogle ass.

Hot-lady is in fact bloated and aging in the present. YMMV on whore, she was worse in the comic IIRC.

Laurie is the second Silk Spectre, Manhattan can see the future, can't for some reason with tachyons. Nuclear war!

Laurie doesn't like Rorschach. Manhattan teleports him away. I just noticed that not only does he have all the powers, he's the only one with powers.

Rorschach skulks away. Cool thing happens with telekinesis. Then "Jon" shows Laurie how he perceives time. She flashes back to the first Silk Spectre arguing. Apparently this Legacy Character is passed from mother to daughter.

Apparently something happened with rape and the Comedian and she is blamed. Jon does REALLY cool shit with telekinesis, then tells her to go out with Dan for dinner. I see penis. I wish it wasn't blue.

Ninety-Nine Luftballons. Dan makes adorably nerdy face, music weirdly fits.

Funny bit with masochist-villian. Rorschach killed him.

A woman in the background clearly says "I'm so glad I order the three-legged chicken."!!!!

She complains about her costume, he thinks it was hot, but doesn't say it. She drops the "We are going to die in Nuclear fire," bomb, ruins dinner. Then backtracks and claims it's just alternate realities and quantum mechanics.

She reveals she is basically a government whore. He reveals the death of the Comedian.

An angel, and the "The Sound of Silence." Oy vey.

How do you like their acting so far?

Edit: Acting is pretty good. I really like this movie so far.

Comedians cemetery, red-headed doom-sayer briefly "turns his collar to the cold and damp, while his eyes were stabbed, by a flash of the neon light" of Doctor Manhattan. That's clever.

Dan and Adrian are there.

I guess president killing superheroes get military funerals...

Laurie is teleported into a bathroom, and vomits. I worry for her beautiful hair, no one to hold it back.

Silk Spectre I has become one of the cool old ladies. Has a Tijuana Comic of herself, we see a glimpse, and she has the audacity to be shocked when her daughter thinks it is gross.

She has sympathy for her rapist, because she's old. Okay...I guess everyone in this is fucked up.

Flashback immediately reveals that the actress is actually young, because there is no way that is an old woman under heavy make-up.

We see Young!Hollis. Comedian looks devious, you gonna get raped!

This actually makes me uncomfortable, which is a good sign. This is actually pretty brutal. These are strong people here.

Rape is uncomfortable to watch. Walking Racist Joke saves the Day. Eddie makes some comment on WRJ getting hot, which is weird and confusing and I bet people have made slash fiction about it.

edited 14th Nov '10 9:34:22 PM by NotADuck

Flight of the Valkyries. Exploding Viet-Cong. Helicopters. The Comedian. Giant Manhattan. Flame-throwers.

So I guess we won the Vietnam War in this World.

Nixon-parade!

Alternate History Cliche: Character speculates on how the world would be like if things had happened like they did in our world, and went on to detail exactly why things happened in their world.

Wild Asian Baby Mama appears! Asian Baby Mama uses broken bear bottle. It's super effective! The Comedian uses Gun! Asian Baby Mama dies!

He then lays the blame on Manhattan saying he was omnipotent and did nothing. He's right, but that's not how morality works, Eddie. He then screams for a medic like a bitch.

All set to my favorite Janis Joplin song!

edited 14th Nov '10 9:41:42 PM by NotADuck

I was wondering how you liked the acting because apparently the Nite Owl and Silk II actors got a lot of flak for sucking ^__^;. I thought they were alright, I see you don't have a problem with them either.

I guess president killing superheroes get military funerals...

The joke is that the government hired the superhero costumed vigilante to kill the president. 'Cos like, conspiracy theories and shit.

Silk Spectre I's actress is Carla Gugino.

Eddie makes some comment on WRJ getting hot

In the comic "WRJ" was gay and implied to be like, into BDSM and stuff, so that's why he became a superhero. 'Cos like, he really really liked to beat up people.

edited 14th Nov '10 9:47:30 PM by melloncollie

We zoom in on Adrian. We see a map of America. A meeting of superheroes. Jon teleports in, with a woman we haven't seen before. I don't know if she is a superhero or not.

Laurie's just flirting with everyone.

The Comedian is really cynical, and thinks all this world-saving shit is a waste of time. I find myself agreeing with Rorschach, way to go Eddie.

A mysterious man watched the funeral. Rorschach? The killer?

A 1970s riot set to "Boogie Man," That's great.

Apparently there is a police strike. Dan has an airship! The Comedian is there as well.

I've heard the meme "My son is a police officer you fucking faggots," and had no idea that this is where it came from.

The Comedian just full on punched a young woman in the face. Gender equality, huzzah! He actually looks quite menacing when he jumps down. Rubber bullets, then cynical societal observations.

Edit: Woodward and Bernstein! He stopped Watergate, he caused Nixon!

edited 14th Nov '10 9:53:36 PM by NotADuck

Okay...I guess everyone in this is fucked up.

That about sums it up.

Dan flips the smiley into the grave, the funeral breaks up. It's raining heavily. Mysterious man with pointy ears puts roses on the grave, red-haired doomsayer watches him leave. Mysterious man goes to his home, an apartment. Sorts through mail. Headlines about Afghanistan. Rorschach is short.

So this is Moloch. Seems quite pathetic. Rorschach believes he is the killer.

Tells a story about how the Comedian ranted to him one night, about something that is so really, really terrible that it makes this psychopath despair. The Comedian is only "friends" with his enemies. Moloch was on a list, with that woman from earlier who was with Manhattan.

Rorschach believes it. Moloch has terminal cancer. Rorschach, surprisingly, let's him keep the illega medicine.

Rorschach ignores more hookers. Gay. Because that's what I want.

So the Comedian sees life as a joke, because he "saw societies true face." Rorschach pays last respect.

Hollis buys magazine from Bernie, who is the newstand guy. I sense another Pirate cutaw-

Damn it.

Emo pirate is washed ashore on figurehead. Seagulls feast. I like this animation style.

Gruesome. He also covers the figureheads eyes with sea-weed, because fuck you, that's why.

He attacks birds. He wants them to eat his eyes.

Noir sex scene!

Electrical sex! Billy Holiday.

One hand. Two hands. Three hands! Four hands!

He's giving her a threesome without her permission!

He's also working while she fucks him.

Adrian, on a screen, awkwardly pretends not to pay attention. She smashes a tv, he fixes it. Manhattan teleports a...thing to Adrian.

Laurie leaves. Also, four penises.

Old picture. News cast about Manhattan's interview. Dan is watching him. Laurie shows up.

I REALLY WISH I COULD QUICKLY PUT MY APPRECIATION FOR THIS MOVIE INTO TYPE, but instead I am forced to make little quips instead. But I am really enjoying this movie so far.

Cool bit with Manhattan dressing himself telekinetically. He teleports to the studio. Black lady is distraught. Make-up man makes him be darker.

Bernie rants to doomsayer about Conservatism. New Frontiersman.

Laurie and Dan are in a bad neighborhood. Vaguely-Asian gangsters corner them.

Government agents brief Manhattan. We learn he got his powers through an accident.

More gangsters. Shit is about to go down.

Manhattan doesn't care about nuclear war, and says some really relativist things.

Holy shit, that bone went through the arm.

Manhattan sees all time simultaneously.

Manhattan's old friend died of cancer. Moloch has cancer. Reporter suggests Manhattan causes cancer.

Laurie stops a bullet with another gangster.

Manhattan sees no value in human life.

His old girlfriend shows up, she also has cancer. It's really creepy and she freaks out and all the reporters freak out.

This means the list the Comedian told Moloch about has to do with cancer.

Why don't they just shave the hair before chemo? Manhattan teleports everyone away.

Laurie and Dan walk away from the scene in which they kicked major ass.

I like the graffiti.

"New Frontiersman. In you hearts, you know it's right-WING."

The EMO pirate returns. He worries about his family, which is legitimate. He finds Ridley's corpse, tied to the mast.

He finds a sail as well. He creates a raft. He uses the bloated bodies for buoyancy? Ewwwww!!!

Well, efficient, I guess. Actually, no. Sharks will come. Also, bad for morale. The blood on the sail is a Rorschach blot.

He actually bites into a dove. The kid looks confirmed. Random man announces Manhattan is gone. Hollis says the same to Dan. Laurie doesn't know.

He appears on Mars.

Stars are old photographs. I like it.

Human!Manhattan is a lot more attractive. It's also the fifties.

We see Wally Weaver. He dies of cancer years later.

Sex happens.

He leaves his watch in some Intrinsic Testing Room. He is sealed in. They can't get him out. Lightning crackles. She leaves him. She can't watch.

When he is torn apart, the very matter he is made of is torn apart, IT LOOKS REALLY FUCKING AMAZING.

His Father teaches him how to make watches.

A nervous system appears, then a skeleton. He is rebulding himself, like the watches.

He's an atomic ghost!

"The Superman exists, and he is American."

He gives himself the symbol of a hydrogen atom, so simple, yet so powerful.

He destroys a tank.

The Viet-Cong bow to him like a god.

Hollis writes a book.

He explodes a ganster. Bloody bones swing from the ceiling.

"God exists, and he is American." But that's not what you said. I saw it.

Janey is afraid. He is so god-like. He lies to her.

He cheats on her with Laurie.

He can probably see Janey age on the cellular level.

He sick of people. He drops the photograph, sits in the air, and creates a crystal...thing.