Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted. Everyone now spends too much money on 'smokey things'.

I wish law enforcement wasn't a hypocrite.

Sure. Law enforcement isn't a person, so... again, you get nothing.

I wish I had something tasty to eat.

Granted. Tasty enough?

I wish I could eliminate all backlash I will inevitably have to deal with.

edited 10th Mar '15 4:34:12 PM by yellowturtle

Granted: You become completely resistant to inertia and thus immobile.

I wish I had a ready-made sewing pattern for Sheik from Ocarina of Time's outfit.

Granted, but there's no way you'll fit into those lean, mean, ninja-machine duds!

I wish I understood the granting of my last wish. Am I supposed to eat the guy who accosted Luke Skywalker at a bar?

Granted. You are supposed to eat him. And now you're forced to.

I wish I was slightly less evil.

Granted. You're still so evil you are now competing for the position as Big Bad #1.

I wish I was making a cake.

Granted, you're helping me by doing all the tedious parts. I get all the credit and you don't get to eat any of it.

I wish the Millionaire's Shortbread in my signature didn't crack as I was cutting it.

Granted, but all of your knives are now permanently dull.

I wish to be a Fountain of Memes.

Granted. All your meme material is already 1 second too old.

I wish I didn't have to make a wish.

Granted. Get the fuck out.

I wish I didn't have to pee.

I can't tell whether to be disappointed or glad that no one made the obvious response. I suppose you could say I'm relieved.

edited 11th Mar '15 2:55:57 PM by SolipSchism

Granted. Just hold it in, you wimp. Don't worry, it won't have any side effects for your bladder at all.

I wish I had more drinkable liquids in my cup.

I could help with that.

I wish the little ticker things above the posting box would get some new entries. They're funny and cute, but getting old.

Granted: Solip's pee is free of any diseases (AFAIK), so his urine is sterile and technically potable.

Granted, but a glitch prevents you from experiencing any of the new ones.

I wish I had spellcasting abilities.

edited 11th Mar '15 2:58:23 PM by Bisected8

Your spells are Cast from Lifespan.

I wish I had some candy.

Granted. You have those Harry Potter jellybeans, but only the gross flavours.

I wish I could watch any TV show I wanted for free

Granted: you suddenly want to watch all the show you hate.

I wish for a glass of water

Granted. It's evaporated.

I wish to play some solitaire.

edited 11th Mar '15 4:02:58 PM by WilliamRadarStorm

Granted. You lose. Badly.

I wish that my shoulder would quit being sore already >=/

granted, the rest of you body is now sore

I wish I could stay awake

You now have massive insomnia.

I wish to feed the next troper's soul to my pet Sunkern. Muhahahaha!

Granted. My vengeful spirit has taken over its body and evolved it into a Sunflora. Taste Solarbeam, punk!

I wish that alcohol was illegal and impossible to create.

Without a means to naturally decontaminate water, we're still in the stone age and rapidly going extinct.

I wish I had an excuse, the ingredients and the time to bake a cake.

Granted, but for some reason, the cake goes bad.

I wish for the revival of DrawQuest without forced microtransactions, and that it also has filtering for the more racy drawings and is also bug- and glitch-free.^note It's an iPad/iPhone app that gives you daily drawing prompts to stimulate your creativity.

edited 15th Mar '15 7:11:57 AM by TroperNo9001

Granted. For some inexplicable reason, it isn't nearly as good as you remember. The Nostalgia Filter must have broken...

I wish for a box. A magnificent box, such that all shall look upon my boxdom and weep at its glorious BOXNESS.

BAWKSES.