Joke thread

We love our neighbours. Here's one joke I might have told here before - it'll become very apparent that it's Finnish.

After creating Adam, God got a little bit bored. To amuse himself, he decided to carry out an experiment on his creation.

"Adam, do me a favour. Count to five."

"Alright", said Adam. "One, two, three, four, five. That OK?"

"Sure, Adam. Now, just hold still - this won't hurt, I promise." With that, God removed the left hemisphere of Adam's brain. "Now, Adam, count to five for me again, would you?"

"No problem", said Adam. "One, three, five, seven, nine. Was that right?"

"Interesting", said God. "Let's try something else. Just don't move." God returned Adam's left hemisphere, but took away the right. "Count to five for me, please."

"Two, four, six, eight, ten. How was that?"

"That was really neat, actually. Now, if you can just stay focused for a little bit longer - just one more experiment to go." This time, God didn't return the missing hemisphere. Instead, he took out the remaining one. "Count to five for me, please."

"Ett, två, tre, fyra, fem."

I had to look up the language the counting was in but I am amused.

That's what, Swedish?

i don't know many languages on sight, but considering that both thenerdytimes and bestof mentioned that they were finnish, i'd think not.

Yeah, Swedish. As I said, we love our neighbours; so a person who's had their brain removed talks Swedish.

hm. my mistake. shows what i know, talking about shit i know absolutely jack about.

My taste is comedy is more British, so I actually think it's more fun to make fun of yourself than it is to mock your neighbours. That said, I'm sure all countries have jokes about their neighbours. I'm Finnish, so our jokes tend to poke fun at Swedes. It could be Russia, but since we've been associated with Sweden for so much longer, it's the default.

Just to be clear, most Finns don't speak Swedish, at least as their first language - the fact that Adam speaks Swedish is the punchline, and it's not aimed at ourselves. We speak Finnish. It's a language that you're better off avoiding - only related to a couple of other languages, none of them spread around the world, only spoken by a few million people, and ridiculously complicated and generally difficult. Most Nordic people speak Swedish or a language closely related to it (but not us), and Swedish is very similar to German and Dutch - and, thus, to English. (Those languages are closely related.)

Not that similar. The structure is sometimes significantly different from English (as many an early ABBA lyric shows.)

edited 9th Mar '17 5:16:19 PM by Theatre_Maven_3695

people call me asian, that's not true, I'm really caucasian.

no you don't understand, white is my alt. skin.

They're very close. Not so close you could understand Norwegian just because you can speak English, but learning Norwegian if you already know English is easy. The difference between German and English is greater that the difference between English and Swedish, for instance. If you know a bunch of languages (or, really, even two from different language families) you'll know how much of a difference it makes if languages are related.

Of course it's all relative. Learning a new language is never easy. If you only know one language, as some people still do even today, it can be a bit hard to understand the difference between languages from different language families. Still, if you're an English speaker and you tried to learn Swedish, Spanish, Russian, and Japanese, you'd very quickly see that Swedish is the easiest for you (assuming, of course, that you have no skill in any of those languages before you start learning them, and that you're not exposed to one of them much more than the others).

edited 11th Mar '17 1:35:51 AM by BestOf

Here's two that work best if you say them out loud.

What do you call a female-to-male sex change? An addadictamy.

What do you call a female-to-male sex change? A lopitoffamy.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Alaska.
Alaska who?
I'll ask ya one more time: Open the damn door.

In response to this news item:

edited 24th Mar '17 4:50:20 PM by eagleoftheninth

Q: What's Mr. T's favorite rock band?

A: Foo Fighters.

Robot Chicken beat you to it. Still...

edited 25th Mar '17 3:21:19 PM by Theatre_Maven_3695

How to make Sleeping Beauty even cooler. ;)

There are some things man was not meant to know. For everything else, there's HasturCard (c).

Why are black holes elected monarchs/presidents/prime ministers of the universe?

They do their job with gravity.

Overheard at Carl Orff's table at Red Lobster:

Server: Can I get you something, sir?
Orff: Oh! Four tunas, please.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One...or two? One...or two?

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Penis. I mean, father. I mean, one!

What's the first thing a melodramatic rooster does when he barges into your room with a gun? He cocks his gun.

What did Joseph of Nazareth say when he had his first diaper duty? Holy shit!

I just remembered one in light of the Easter season.

This one time, Jesus and Satan were having an argument, this time it was about who was better with computers. So God decided to settle the matter by giving the two of them a computer and two hours to work on them as productively as possible. Wasting no time, Jesus and the Devil got to work, spending each minute making all sorts of files and documents. Towards the end of the time limit, a fierce thunderstorm rolled in and knocked out the electricity. Fortunately, it came back on a few minutes later, but when Satan turned his computer back on, he found out that all of the things he was working on were gone. Meanwhile, Jesus was printing off all of the things He made during the contest. The Devil crossly asked "What?! How did he beat me?!" The answer: Jesus saves.

A news article goes viral on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Encyclopedia Dramatica, TV Tropes and 4chan.

It goes: "A crime syndicate held a ruthless monopoly on all links of the local drug trade. They met in a network of safe houses to pick up shipments and share useful information. Everyone involved was told to stay quiet. After the police started investigating three weeks back, they carefully moderated the pushing and stopped shipping large consignments, but there were no lulls in trading until the police cracked the gang by the subversion of a new recruit. He said 'I was lured in by money but soon found myself caught up in a deadly game of bribery and intimidation where the rules were changing every day and there was no way to leave.' He and his fiancée remain under police protection."

Facebook users ask: "What is 'share useful information'?"

Tweeters ask: "What is 'stay quiet'?"

Tumblrites ask: "What is 'stopped shipping'?"

Redditors ask: "What is 'carefully moderated'?"

Editors on Encyclopedia Dramatica say: "If 'there were no lulls', we're not interested."

Tropers say: "That's an aversion, not a subversion." There follows five paragraphs of arguments on the main page with a lot of gratuitous hyperlinks.

4channers say: >Damn normies ruin everything. They want in on our games expecting them to be easy, find the rules are too hard and the stakes too high, and instead of leaving decide they must change it to suit their pleb tastes. Never let anyone with a girlfriend join your gaming session.