Joke thread

@Best Of: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! @truteal: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

edited 22nd Aug '12 4:01:26 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

One I saw once:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stomp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Why did the cat fall out of the tree? It was dead.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was attached to the cat.

Why did the tree fall over? It felt left out.

Once, at an wedding in Ireland, the pastor told the men to stand next to the person who made their worthwhile.

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

They say that Christopher Hitchens had a deathbed conversion. A priest visited him in the hospital, and an hour later, he had become an atheist.

Guess he saw the light?

edited 22nd Aug '12 5:08:05 PM by Hydronix

My versions of Phoenixor's joke

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was also dead

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

Peer Pressure

Why did the -insert ethnic group you think is stupid here- fall out of the tree?

Because he tied himself to a dying Koala

And two offensive jokes

What do cowardly women have?

Chicken Breasts

Why did the far left support the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell?

They wanted to see equality in War Criminal Pawns of the Military Industrial Complex

edited 22nd Aug '12 7:18:06 PM by truteal

That last one was gold.

Oh what the heck, I'm running out of ideas.

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the next competition. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. Deciding that he might as well give it a shot, the preacher entered the donkey in the race and, against all expectations, it came in second.

• The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass shows."

The preacher was very pleased with his donkey's success, so he entered it in the race again and this time it won.

• The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass out front."

The bishop, however, was not happy with this kind of publicity so he commanded the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.

• The newspaper headline the next day read, "Bishop scratches preacher's ass."

Seeing this headline, the bishop commanded the preacher to get rid of the donkey once and for all. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

• The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun has best ass in town."

This wa too much for the bishop so he then commanded the nun to get the donkey out of the town. She sold it to a farmer in a neighboring village for a very reasonable price.

• And the newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun sells ass for $10."

The bishop fainted. When he had recovered, he told the nun to buy the donkey back from the farmer and release it into the wilderness so that it would be no more trouble.

• The newspaper headline read, "Nun announces ass is wild and free."

The bishop was buried the next day.

edited 24th Aug '12 5:46:25 AM by HouraiRabbit

@Hourai Rabbit: Lucky I've finished my hot chocolate.

edited 24th Aug '12 5:51:09 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?

You open the fridge, put in the elephant and close the door.

How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?

You open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe and close the door.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

One day, the lion summoned all the animals of Africa to a grand meeting. But one animal did not appear. Who?

The giraffe. It was still in the fridge.

@Lemurian: Contender for one of the funniest jokes in this thread IMO next to Hourai Rabbit's.

edited 24th Aug '12 6:05:57 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

On the coast of Africa, there exists a river that few dare to cross. The reason is that a large colony of crocodiles live there, attacking all that attempt to cross. They eat swimmers and turn over small boats, and because of the sandbanks, it is impossible to use large boats. One day, in a trek across Africa, you arrive at this very river, needing to cross. How do you cross safely?

You swim across. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.

Still laughing...

Why did the boy take a ladder to class?

Because he wanted to go to high school.

edited 24th Aug '12 6:35:45 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

I remember a long joke about stereotypes... it started with 'Jock humour: throwing someone's bike onto the roof' and then went on for ages, like this:

Nerd humour: calculating how to throw someone's bike onto the roof.

Racist humour: only throwing black bikes onto the roof.

Slum humour: throwing someone's bike through the roof.

Capitalist humour: starting a bike shop on the roof.

Vandal humour: throwing the roof onto someone's bike.

Dumb Blonde humour: roofing someone's throw onto the bike...?

Etcetera.

edited 24th Aug '12 10:11:52 AM by MidnightRambler

Troper humor: Collecting three instances of bikes being thrown on rooves and starting a YKTTW about it.

An old man enters a confessional and says, "Father, I have sinned. I am eighty-five years old, and I have been married faithfully to the same woman for the last sixty years. Last night, I took a pair of attractive blond twins back to my house and had sex with them. Three times. Each. In a different position each time. My wife has no idea."

The priest thinks for a moment and asks, "Well, my son, how long has it been since you last attended confessional?"

"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."

This takes the priest aback, and he inquires, "Then why are you telling me this?"

The old man responds, " Didn't you hear me? I'm tellin' everybody!"

edited 24th Aug '12 11:39:24 AM by ABNDT

Why doesn't Jerry Seinfeld like getting makeovers?

Because after it, he'd be a Newman

What's the different between a Takin and a Bilby?

A Takin looks nothing like a Bilby

Why are Elephants big, grey and wrinkly?

Because if they were small, yellow and feathery, they'd be Canaries

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet red?

So they can hide in tomato soup

"Do you see any elephants in your tomato soup?"

"of course not!"

"see, it works"

What do you call a male rodent that looks like a girl?

A Mousetrap

edited 24th Aug '12 4:18:22 PM by truteal

@ABNDT and @truteal (And Midnight Rambler) HILARIOUS!

How about this one?

Rick and his sister Jane are arguing.

Rick says, "Oh, you're so stupid!"

Their father says, "Rick! Don't call your sister stupid. Apologise to her!"

"Okay, Dad," Rick says. "Jane, I'm sorry you're stupid."

ABNDT, I don't get that one about the Jewish man...

He's proud that he was able to score 2 blondes so he's bragging about it to everyone, including Catholic priests.

That. He doesn't have to be Jewish; I just picked something that wasn't Catholic.

"Comedy, or at least the kind of comedy I like, are the ones that make you feel a bit uncomfortable and then hit you with a great joke." Thurop Van Orman

I looked at the favorites of your Deviantart page, wheres the joke afterwards?