See if the above poster hooked you:
Every time someone doesn't read the first part of this post, Rick Santorum eats a kitten and your post may be frowned upon.Idea stolen from Critique Circle. The writer will post no more than the first 500-1000 words of their work (unless you desperately need to finish a sentence, I guess). If it's a script, the first four pages should suffice, since 1000 words is about four pages in most books. The reader is pretending to be an editor going through the slush pile, and will stop reading the excerpt if they lose interest. The reader will post to say if they stopped reading, why/ why not, and offer suggestions. The critique doesn't have to be detailed, but please at least offer some advice.
Every time someone doesn't follow the second part, Rick Santorum eats five kittens and your post has a 90% chance of being ignored.FRIENDLY REMINDER: As the title of the thread implies, if someone posted an excerpt before you, please critique it before posting your own. If you skip someone, you lose the right to whine if someone skips over you. People that have been skipped, feel free to post a polite reminder if you're getting concerned. Reading 1000 words and leaving a few comments shouldn't take too long. And look at it this way: if you critique it yourself, you don't risk waiting forever for someone else to do it for you (this thread takes occasional naps) and you don't have to hope the critiquer doesn't have an excerpt of their own to post right after. A SHORT NOTE: By hook we mean the first thing the reader sees of the story, not necessarily some sort of inciting incident. Your beginning can be slow and steady, but it still counts as the hook because readers can still be interested by something that moves slowly as long as something is there that gives the reader a reason to keep going. So if you have a prologue that meets or surpasses the word limit, don't stick your first chapter underneath it. DISCLAIMER: This isn't a hardcore critique thread, so don't try to milk a detailed critique for your first chapter. That's why we have the word limits. Just think of this as a preliminary screening process for serious problems so you can get started on making your first impressions sparkly and awesome.
edited 20th Aug '12 7:46:48 PM by SnowyFoxes
edited 5th Dec '11 3:06:20 PM by NoirGrimoir
- Clarence Darrow
edited 6th Dec '11 2:05:10 AM by NoirGrimoir
edited 6th Dec '11 2:16:25 AM by fanty
edited 6th Dec '11 3:30:35 AM by NoirGrimoir
edited 11th Dec '11 7:23:24 PM by chihuahua0
edited 11th Dec '11 7:28:40 PM by burnpsy
edited 11th Dec '11 7:38:00 PM by burnpsy
edited 12th Dec '11 2:18:26 AM by burnpsy
The following is the intro to my NaNovel, Whispers of Darkness. It's only had a quick edit, so it's a bit rough, but I would appreciate thoughts/critiques/opinions.
Close of life draws ever nigh
The time is now for Renewal lore.
The right son of the displaced Master
Must gain his own from she who dances.
Fate of years bears heavy
Purity of purpose must reign once more.
From the town at end of downs
Ever in the looming shadow
Must be chosen she who goes
To aid him on this mission grave.
If this shall fail, then world shall end.” A murmur ran through the crowd, growing steadily louder as people identified parts of the meaning of the prophecy. The scribe held up his hand for silence, and waited for it to be granted before continuing. “The man you see before you”—the scribe glanced at the man in black—“is the son spoken of. You, villagers of Hyllthwaite, are charged with choosing the woman who will accompany him to The Museum on this vital task. You are also to equip him and his companion with whatever they need which has not already been provided. “If you do not act of your own accord, my men will act in your place. If this should come to pass, you shall experience my displeasure. “Thus sayeth the king.” The scribe re-rolled the scroll. “You have the rest of the day to reach a decision. The two will leave on the morrow.”
edited 17th Jan '12 10:59:40 PM by Nocturna
edited 17th Jan '12 11:46:23 PM by RPGenius
edited 18th Jan '12 9:21:55 AM by fanty
'Cause they blow heads like that dead clothes designer
- The unconventional opening is interesting, but up until '...saying this for context', it reads more like Real Life, out-of-universe information. This may confuse readers.
- The punctuation in the dialogue is a bit off (too few commas). Yes, I know I'm a nitpick, but this sort of thing really drags me out of the story.
- Even more nitpicky, but I'd replace the 'racist groups' with the name of a specific group, like the English Defence League or the BNP or what have you (assuming your story is set in Britain). 'Fliers for house parties and the BNP' sounds just that little bit more lively, less sterile, than 'fliers for house parties and racist groups'.
- Also, and this is my biggest point of criticism, your merry gang of friends' tormenting of Michael over his relationship comes across as a lot more disturbing than you probably intend (although I don't know your exact intentions, of course). Creating your own crises and drama is one thing; anyone who is in secondary school or university and has no real crises to worry about does it to some degree, and given enough Wangst, even the suicide attempts aren't that much out of the ordinary. Creating drama by trying to destroy a friend's relationship (especially a relationship that's serious enough for him to be considering marriage), and then calling another friend a "traitor" when he sticks up for him, is another. Only really cruel people, who deliberately toy with other people's lives for their own amusement, would do such a thing.