See if the above poster hooked you:
Every time someone doesn't read the first part of this post, Rick Santorum eats a kitten and your post may be frowned upon.Idea stolen from Critique Circle. The writer will post no more than the first 500-1000 words of their work (unless you desperately need to finish a sentence, I guess). If it's a script, the first four pages should suffice, since 1000 words is about four pages in most books. The reader is pretending to be an editor going through the slush pile, and will stop reading the excerpt if they lose interest. The reader will post to say if they stopped reading, why/ why not, and offer suggestions. The critique doesn't have to be detailed, but please at least offer some advice.
Every time someone doesn't follow the second part, Rick Santorum eats five kittens and your post has a 90% chance of being ignored.FRIENDLY REMINDER: As the title of the thread implies, if someone posted an excerpt before you, please critique it before posting your own. If you skip someone, you lose the right to whine if someone skips over you. People that have been skipped, feel free to post a polite reminder if you're getting concerned. Reading 1000 words and leaving a few comments shouldn't take too long. And look at it this way: if you critique it yourself, you don't risk waiting forever for someone else to do it for you (this thread takes occasional naps) and you don't have to hope the critiquer doesn't have an excerpt of their own to post right after. A SHORT NOTE: By hook we mean the first thing the reader sees of the story, not necessarily some sort of inciting incident. Your beginning can be slow and steady, but it still counts as the hook because readers can still be interested by something that moves slowly as long as something is there that gives the reader a reason to keep going. So if you have a prologue that meets or surpasses the word limit, don't stick your first chapter underneath it. DISCLAIMER: This isn't a hardcore critique thread, so don't try to milk a detailed critique for your first chapter. That's why we have the word limits. Just think of this as a preliminary screening process for serious problems so you can get started on making your first impressions sparkly and awesome.
edited 20th Aug '12 7:46:48 PM by SnowyFoxes
TG: I never really thought that a consequence of the zombie apocalypse would be perfect wifi. GG: No? TG: I mean, it kind of makes sense, if all the power is still on, that there's not thousands of people trying to use the bandwidth around here. But that was just not what I was expecting. TG: It's kind of nice, though. TG: I guess when you're being lectured about how touching the dead bodies in the street will turn you into one of them, and how your rations will slowly run out and you'll starve to death waiting for help, that's not really something you think about. GG: I guess not. But. Besides the wifi. How are you holding out? TG: I have enough cans to last for at least another week and a half, more if I keep stretching them. I still have plenty of bullets. I managed to board up all of the bottom story windows. TG: I've been burning a lot of incense but it doesn't help. GG: Incense? TG: With the smell. TG: It's really bad. GG: Oh. TG: Yeah. TG: I'm really, really fucking bored. TG: I've just been playing scrabble online all day. GG: Are you okay? TG: The house hasn't been attacked for a few days. I've been keeping the lights low. I think maybe they've stopped noticing this place. GG: I mean. Are you okay. TG: I'm fine. GG: Fine fine? TG: What, are you asking if I'm about to have a mental breakdown due to the fact that everyone I know in this city is probably dead by now? GG: Well, yes. GG: I don't think it's an unreasonable question to ask at this point. TG: I'm fine. GG: Still in shock, I'm guessing. TG: Please don't assume things about me. GG: All right. GG: I won't. GG: I'm just asking because I think I might have some very bad news. GG: What city do you live in? TG: I'm in St. Paul. GG: Okay. So I was right. TG: Why? What? GG: St. Paul is on the list of cities to be razed. GG: You have five days. TG: I have five days. GG: Right. You have five days to get out of the city before it's razed. TG: What the fuck? TG: The zombies are going to freeze in a month or two! They've already been mostly pecked to death by birds! TG: You're supposed to wait out a plague like this, not just raze everything willy-nilly! GG: I'm sorry. I think because my dad has the technology to do shit like this, it gives him the right to destroy whole cities from space. TG: Well.
Sure I remember it. I remember it as well as I remember bein' born. Oh, don't look at me like that. You know I'm just messin' with you. God, you people and your precautions. Just loosen my arms, willya? What, you think I'm gonna kill you? With four guards in the room? Alright, take it easy. I'm gonna tell it. Bren taught me how to spin a good one, too-shame he's not here to hear it, huh? I know it. Okay, here goes. So we were just walking out of the movies, arguing over who played the better Cleanser in this particular picture. Bii'lu was munching down the last of his popcorn before Rez could took it from him, and I was just shoving Rez, thinking, you know, maybe Bii'lu would share if I helped him out. And Bren was yelling at us to shut up, people were looking at us, and that was the last thing we needed right now. What? Oh, yeah. Well, Bii'lu, he's the darker one with the scar under the eye, 'cept you can hardly seen it if he's not in the light. Rez is the short dude with all the hair, and Bren is the big guy, older'n all of us. Short blond hair, with the Band on his ear. Uh-uh. No, I'm the tallest one out of us four, but Bren's the biggest.
edited 8th Feb '13 5:37:09 PM by BrainSewage
I have been deemed a fair amount of titles within my life. Some have viewed me as an unholy trickster. Others have made a hero of me. Personally, I’m disinclined to lay claim to either. My take on the concepts alone are that they’re simply labels meant to cast judgment, for better or worse. Whether I’m one, the other, both, or something else entirely relies solely upon the eye of the beholder. At the very least, I can faithfully disclose anything my ventures entail, in addition to the rationale behind my decisions. Whether or not my deeds are to your liking remains another matter entirely. Should you not desire to become acquainted with affairs which you might take issue with – deception, seduction, manipulation, kidnapping, violence, and capers, to name a few – cease now. Perhaps a narrative starring an infallible knight in white who fights for truth and justice, can topple evil with their might alone, rescues damsels in distresses, seldom settles truly difficult quandaries, and so forth would resonate better with you. I’ll make no secret that I’d prefer to live such a tale. I merely refuse to con myself by painting reality black and white, or forge some fabrication to appease anyone. Should you wish to confront the truth, it’s an honor and pleasure to have you along. I am Cassidy Cain: Granddaughter to Edan Cain – a legendary strategist who counseled Emperor Alexandros Arkland the Second throughout The Great Unification, Daughter of Nickolas and Scarlette Cain – the founders & first owners of CAI Nternational (Cain International), and The Grandmaster of Theft – a phantom thief who rendered aid to those helpless against the decadence of the upper echelon. Consequently, I found myself embroiled in affairs far removed from "normal". Some occasions called upon me to network and persuade. Others required me to strategize, lead, and compete. In any event, I addressed any ordeal my standing required – and merrily, no less. While I'm acquainted with the reality that some might lament such standing, I was nothing of the kind. When I was told "Uneasy is the head that wears a crown", I smirked then replied "Worth it. For I am the master of my fate." A case which exemplified this, and more, was when I squared off against one Narcissa Richmond.
There we go, I personally enjoy this one way more, but I'll let you judge. Also, there's a little question I'm curious about from an outsider's perspective. This doesn't have to be answered, but I rather not pass up on a profitable opportunity. I thank you in advance should you answer & shall return the favor by reading & responding to an entire 1st chapter of anybody's work who does this, should they give me the means to. Does this character sketch convey the same attitude as the narration does to you? If so, can you tell me why?◊
edited 14th Feb '13 6:14:13 AM by Prime_of_Perfection
- Clarence Darrow
edited 14th Feb '13 11:19:49 AM by Leradny
edited 14th Feb '13 5:09:51 PM by Wolf1066
Should you not desire to become acquainted with affairs which you might take issue with – deception, seduction, manipulation, kidnapping, violence, and capers, to name a few – cease now. Perhaps a narrative starring an infallible knight in white who fights for truth and justice would be more to your liking. I’ll make no secret that I’d prefer to live such a tale. The line where morality ends and immorality begins is far easier to discern in such backdrops. All of life’s complexities can be remedied by merely adhering to a set of infallible principles, as opposed to having to rifle through every contingency whilst hoping for the best. You seldom have to question whether you’re the hero or the villain. It’s simpler. It’s nicer. And it was not my world. My battle of wits with one Narcissa Richmond proved a telling example of this. It all began one Saturday near noon, after I had settled in at my L shaped desk. Before me was my laptop, which was on one of The Empire’s premiere online news outlet, The Observer. Upon the screen was this message: "I – the GLORIOUS MADAME RICHMOND – will defeat and reveal to the world the face of my great rival: THE GRANDMASTER OF THEFT! The world will soon know what I – the MAGNIFICENT MADAME RICHMOND – has already known: That she is just a GUTLESS, POMPOUS FOOL who is unworthy of her PRETENTIOUS title. To prove she DOESN’T DESERVE anybody’s fear, I’ll stand alone against her and risk one of my treasures: UNDINE’S TEAR! SO COME AT ME, 'NOBLE' THIEF! Face me at THREE PM at Acquiro’s train station to Montello today. I – the SPECTACULAR MADAME RICHMOND – will singlehandedly see to it that the Grandmaster receives an all-expenses paid one way ticket TO JAIL!” Once I finished perusing that, I reclined back into the cushy paradise of my expensive leather desk chair, crossed my legs, and smirked. Not only did the challenge rouse my mind, it proved the cherry on top of an already satisfying morning.
Also, while I may be presuming this will come up, I will answer this ahead of time since I feel it's likely someone will ask about or comment on it. Narcissa's over the topness is intentional. She's just an obnoxious Starter Villain who happens to be an Attention Whore.
edited 15th Feb '13 8:42:35 AM by Prime_of_Perfection
edited 21st Feb '13 1:00:21 AM by MorwenEdhelwen
edited 20th Feb '13 11:54:58 PM by Philosopher
edited 23rd Feb '13 6:16:22 AM by Jabrosky
edited 27th Feb '13 3:10:46 AM by Thelostcup
edited 28th Feb '13 5:23:29 PM by StillbirthMachine
edited 17th May '13 11:37:07 PM by MorwenEdhelwen
edited 18th May '13 2:07:53 AM by MorwenEdhelwen
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edited 18th May '13 3:55:54 AM by Wolf1066
edited 18th May '13 6:12:12 AM by MorwenEdhelwen