Gay bacon stripsEDIT: If you have a favourite piece in your writing, here's your chance! Post your piece and include a synopsis before or after if necessary to give us context. Tropers will give you critique to help build on your writing. My example: For context, the subject of this piece, Tom, has thus far been very passive and refuses to fight. He has a cheerful disposition and cares very strongly for the narrator (Jack). Jack, however, fears his friendship with Tom because it gives him something to lose. This scene takes place a few weeks after Tom is wounded while saving Jack's life and is the first time Jack has ever seen Tom angry.
As Tom reached up for the mugs his shirt rode up and I tried to discretely avert my gaze before I caught sight of the scar on his left hip, feeling the guilt rise up in my stomach. He made a noise of disgust and I watched from the corner of my eye as he turned towards me, peeled off his shirt and threw it to the kitchen floor in an extremely un-Tom-like manner. "Look at me, Jack, " he said firmly. "Look. At. Me. Is it really that hideous to you?" I turned to my mate, opening my mouth with full intention to correct this misconception, but before I could speak a word he grabbed my wrist and pressed my hand to his bare skin, making me feel the scar for myself. Eyebrows furrowed with fierce dignity, he said to me, "I am proud of this scar. So bloody proud. I didn't get this because of you, I got it for you. If you're going to belittle yourself over that you're even more self-centered than I thought. You have this bloody hero complex and the one time someone else saves you, you flip a nut. Believe it or not, you're not the only bloke in the world who can't stand the thought of someone they care about being hurt or killed. So don't you dare pull this hypocritical martyr bullshit on me."
edited 5th Sep '11 5:21:05 AM by MechaJesus
watching down on usYour piece: It's amazing. I love it.
edited 4th Sep '11 6:56:44 PM by annebeeche
Banned entirely for telling FE that he was being rude and not contributing to the discussion. I shall watch down from the goon heavens.
Since my story has nothing awesome thus far, the only thing I can spare is a halfway funny moment.
Moments later, the dragon dropped his bags in front of a particular establishment not far from the city center. The shop front stretched several dozen yards along one of the city’s main streets, while the bulk of the building itself towered a remarkable six storeys from the ground level. It sported a double-sized door that was constantly held open for its steady stream of patrons going in and out one after the other. Around him, Agnochroth could notice a couple groups of travelers bearing respectable assortments of luggage waiting to check in. An oversize billboard loomed over the visitors, which read, in large, red letters, “THE BROTHERHOOD OF BEER”, with corresponding decorative patterns of mouth-watering foamy beer mugs, soft bread and legs of lamb. Or rather, what would have been mouth-watering had the artist not apparently slept on his job, Agnochroth thought. As it now stood, the foamy beer mug looked like some sort of foul-smelling greenish liquid, the soft bread a log of poorly-cut lumber, and the legs of lamb the kind of anatomical object polite people would not suffer to be mentioned in their company. So many times he had visited the place and never once had he failed to chuckle.
Eye'm the cutest!While in need of some refinement via editing to make it more awesome which is coming Soon(tm) I have this Establishing Character Moment.
“Dig in right here and do not let them pass! The last transport is on its way!” Colonel Smith said as he hosed down the approaching Preyaran infantry with his M-5 machine gun. “You like that? There’s plenty more where that came from!” Mat, Tenchi and Daniel immediately ran over next to his position. “Sorry we’re late Colonel.” Mat said ducking behind the barricade with his rifle. “Better late than never Watkins!” Smith said as he glanced around for a count of his team. “Anyone seen Noland? Sasha? Viktor? Benjamin?” “I haven’t seen her since we pulled back from the motor pool! I think she got separated into the hospital.” Sergeant Major Sharon replied. “Great now I got to find Jessie. Watkins you just volunteered! Get in that hospital and find her and get her out of there! Yamanaka! Daniel! Get on the line and give us a hand!” Mat took off to the right intent on finding his missing comrade, the newest member of Assault Team Bravo, the 22 year old blonde haired, blue eyed, small chested Staff Sergeant Jessebelle “Jessie” Marietta Noland. Standing only four feet eight inches tall and weighing a mere eighty-four pounds she was the smallest member of the team ever, often mistaken for a child. But at the same time, she had proven herself in combat several years earlier at Tarsius and had passed full training for AT: Bravo. Meanwhile inside the hospital… “You think you elves got what it takes to kill me? Not a fucking chance! I am Jessie Noland and I have faced your kind before and sent you packing!” Jessie grasped her M-4 Breyl Automatic Rifle in hand. A large weapon, the Breyl stood nearly as long as she was tall at four feet in length and weighing in at fourteen kilograms. It fired a 20mm Minovski particle bolt at three hundred shots per minute with devastating firepower. Originally a Feyline weapon still used by them, the Breyl never saw much popularity in the Terran forces compared to the M-6 Ascendant Battle Rifle, but where it sees use it always sees a willing user. Two Preyaran Lancers opened fire on Jessie from a floor above her through the bombed out remains of the ceiling above her. She returned fire with a hail of eight shots downing them both. Three more Lancers popped out of cover above her to the left on another broken section of ceiling. She quickly shifted her Breyl over and gunned them down in a hail of fire. “Is that it? Really? Is that the best you can do?” Jessie yelled out as she fired on two more. “No.” A voice sounded from the ruins of the hospital. She rounded right catching sight of another Lancer trying to pass by above her and promptly buried him in a barrage of particle bolts. She shifted left to catch another target but this time when she pressed the trigger, the gun ran dry depleted of reserve charge. Jessie immediately reached for and drew her combat sword, a hand and a half weapon designed for close combat against the Preyarans. “Come on! Who else wants some!” She yelled out as she cast aside her rifle onto the ground. Four Lancers dropped down into the room she was in each having drawn their own swords. “Mighty brave of you Terran to draw on us like this.” One of them said. “We shall enjoy this.” Jessie reached for the combat knife on her belt and held it in her right hand opposite her sword. “Not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie quipped. She flipped her knife onto its edge in her hand stepped her left foot forward and threw it at the opposing Lancers burying the blade in the rightmost one's right eye. That Lancer stumbled back in pain as she charged forward. She ran to the right catching the other Lancer on the right swinging and dodged the blade before countering with a stab into his chest. She turned backward running her sword through the Lancer with the knife in his eye and yanked it right back out holding it in a reverse grip in her right hand. The closest remaining Lancer charged, the second one close behind. The first strike came down and was met by Jessie’s sword as she turned backward and buried her knife in the other’s throat before yanking it back out. She turned again as the remaining Lancer tried to strike again deflecting the blade to the left and countering with a quick thrust into his belly. “I told you, not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie said to herself. “Impressive…most impressive.” A voice sounded from above.And this is just a taste of what I consider the Awesome Moments of Endless Conflict.
Endless Conflict: Every war ends in time, even supposedly this one.
We have about eight of these threads.
I'd say even more, but they keep dying. In that case I think making a new one might be a good idea. But hey.
They keep dying for good reason. Because the author has no right nor power nor discernment to decide which moments of her story is the best. That's the audience's job. And speaking of which, authors who write stories just to put in "awesome" moments are going to have stories that don't work. Because a story shouldn't be a collection of "awesome" moments, but a seamless thread of moments and events and character interaction, placed in a naturally flowing array to emphasize some and place less importance on others, which makes the terrible so much more terrible, the awesome more awesome, and the heart-breaking more heartbreaking. tl;dr: A moment is nothing without context.
edited 4th Sep '11 9:19:59 PM by Kraken
To be honest, listing crowning moments in your own works seems awfully arrogant. They're subjective tropes for a reason. You can certainly try to do them on purpose - I have several scenes that were written as one character or another's CMOA - but whether they worked or not should be up to the readers. Of course, if you have readers and they've declared a scene from your works a crowning moment, go right ahead and post it. But I have to say I disapprove of picking them out by yourself. Ninja!
edited 4th Sep '11 9:18:45 PM by nrjxll
BFS EnthusiastJust wanted to share this with you guys. I hope I did well. For context: Matthew just woke up after two days of recuperating from battle wounds incurred during the fight with Sangou and Kasuga. He found out that The Principal who was always rather odd was Aleister Crowley. Yes, the man himself. The Student Council decided to send some assassins after him, oddly using students for reasons that will become evident later. Matthew fights three of them all by himself. Also introducing Decium "Dex" Anthem.
Matthew ran forward, brandishing his claymore and his blade collided into the quickly conjured longsword created by Richard's Spell Core. Matthew moved backward, but then lunged forward, not willing to give Richard any time to plan his battle ahead. He had the advantage here, since Richard was so preoccupied with his cruelties that he had neglected the enemy right in front of him. Against a lesser enemy, the mistake might be forgiven. And if Matthew was an honorable person, he'd wait for the man to get ready. But this was the modern day and there were more stakes than just honor or the victory of the fight. Richard panicked, backing up slightly and launching a larger fireball at Matthew, forming it in one hand until it reached the size of a basketball before throwing it at his opponent. Matthew slashed with his claymore at the streak of fire and managed to prevail, striking through it. He kept going, rushing forward and using both hands, holding the sword over his shoulder first before sending it crashing down at Richard. The older, supposedly stronger enemy tried to block, only for his blade to shatter in his hands. He backed up and right into another of Matthew's attacks, so he conjured his blade again, only for Matthew to shatter it again. William looked surprised as Richard fell backward, clearly frightened. He was right to be frightened, due to Matthew learning to use Mana in that way, he was out of Richard's league. The bully was only worth while as muscle and not much else. He had a strong Spell Core and belonged to a powerful family, but next to his younger brother Kyle, he was nothing special. William even knew that Richard's parents saw this, and made the younger son the family heir. But William was no Richard. He had trained with his Spell Core rather than just making himself bigger and more intimidating. Matthew kept walking, and Richard slowly tried to move away from the seemingly unstoppable foe. To Richard, this Matthew, who he was vaguely warned about by the Student Council, was a monster. Something that kept breaking his weapon, never showed a single weak spot, nor did he relent. He gulped, trying to find the courage to get back up, make his sword again, or make more fire and throw it at Matthew. But he couldn't. That look in the kid's eyes, it...it just felt like if he kept fighting, he would wind up dead. Him, the heir to a family connected to the Eisenet Family, beaten so horribly by that...that no name brat! The fury of his loss motivated Richard to get back up, and he actually grinned maniacally, more fire forming in his hands, slowly forming into a massive orb above his head, “Y-You...You think you're so special? What makes you, some nobody, could defeat me, the heir to the Branch House of Eisenet! No no no no no! I won't lose, I don't lose, you won't win!! Never never never never! I won't accept! Fuck you fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!” He kept laughing and fed more power into the sphere of fire above him before throwing it at Matthew. The sphere of fire, the Ignis Magnus spell, flew at Matthew, flames whipping off and licking at him as it approached. He remained cool headed, prepared to simply use his sword to parry the spell. However, with a spell of this advanced level, he got the feeling he'd wind up burned by the aftereffect. Time seemed to slow and Aleister spoke to Matthew in his head, Matthew, this attack is nothing special, especially when cast by an idiot like Richard. Simply concentrate, use your willpower and determination, control your inner power...and then we will see if you can use your Mana yet. Matthew sighed, concentrating on his sword, the cold steel in his hands, the determination to see his friends again, the willpower to stop all evil powers trying to harm his loved ones. A light tingle in his hands slowly turned to a glow, a radiant aura manifesting on his sword. He moved the sword up and then slashed down, a huge blue streak of energy whipping off of the sword. It ripped clean through the haphazardly cast spell and slashed Richard from the top of his head to his groin. Blood spurted out of the cut and Richard went down hard, his eyes rolling up into his head, What...what the hell just...what did he...how did he defeat...my mightiest spell with just...one strike. William looked astounded, that opponent...that monstrous, hideously powerful thing dealt with Richard's ultimate spell so easily...and still managed to deal a finishing blow through that! He still had to deal with this guy. William's Great Earth Spell Core activated, and he whispered, “Terra Nebula...” Matthew watched as some of the asphalt on the sidewalk slowly disintegrated off, forming a cloud of dust on the ground that slowly grew and swirled around behind him and in front of him. Both clouds slowly formed into hands made of asphalt and flew at Matthew. Matthew activated his Spell Core almost at second nature, and his sword metamorphosed into two long swords, and he focused Mana into both of the swords. First he shattered the hands behind him with a slash like a sharp gust of wind, a single blue beam dispersing the clenched fists of dirt into simple asphalt again. He then slashed once at the fists in front of him, the blue energy wave leaping from his sword, shattering these fists the same way but flying at William as well. William tried to make another layer of ground become his defense, only for that to break too, and the resulting force sent him flying backward and on to his rear. Jake fired off his missiles at Matthew, the twelve heat seeking weapons streaking at Matthew. Applying Mana to his body, he moved quicker than anything Jake had ever seen. Matthew had not even known before then that he would be able to do that with Mana, and as such it was a risky maneuver and not one to be done again so carelessly, as he discovered when he stopped at the curb of a part of the street. He had no idea how fast he went, but at least the missiles had wound up hitting one another in the confusion.
edited 6th Sep '11 10:09:37 PM by NickTheSwing
Gay bacon stripsAh! Looking back on this I see I've been misinterpreted. If an author enjoys their own work, I think they should be proud of it. Who would write a story they don't even like? I wanted this to be a chance to shine and show your favourite moments in your writing/stories, whether for the piece itself or a character. This isn't supposed to be a brag-fest or anything!
I wanted this to be a chance to shine and show your favourite moments in your writing/stories, whether for the piece itself or a character.
This isn't supposed to be a brag-fest or anything!...Does not equate?
BFS EnthusiastYeah, I agree with you there. I really liked writing that bit that I posted there. I wanted to share it with everyone before New Dawn was edited fully and chapters were posted to Fiction Press. It doesn't mean I am saying its so perfect or anything, I know it can use improvements, but its one of my favorite parts of my story. Mainly because it shows what the main character can do.
edited 4th Sep '11 10:07:27 PM by NickTheSwing
Gay bacon stripsNot necessarily. There is a fine line between being proud of one's accomplishments and outright bragging.
And I think that line comes when you start telling everyone how proud you are of your accomplishments.
BFS EnthusiastI get the feeling that both me and Mecha Jesus just want to share how we are proud of our accomplishments thus far, but acknowledge there is always room for improvement. Is there something wrong with that? Being proud of yourself? I have low self esteem issues, so what is it? First I am told to not be so ashamed and stuff and be a little more proud of myself, but then you people tell me not to be proud of myself. I am just a bit confused.
My argument is that there is a big difference between having confidence in yourself/your work and going around gushing about how awesome your work is. A thread created to list Crowning Moments Of Whatever - possibly the biggest way we have for Gushing About Shows You Like - in your own work feels very egotistical to me. A thread where you post scenes from your work that you meant to be crowning moments, to seek readers' opinions on whether they are or not, is one thing (although I happen to agree with Kraken, context is everything here). A thread where you post scenes from your work and say "this is a Crowning Moment of Awesome/Funny/Heartwarming" is something quite different. I don't think this thread is doing that much harm, but I think it is pretty clearly for ego-stroking and nothing more.
Honestly though, I think that is what the OP was going for in the first place: Excerpts where you think you have done well, expecting maybe, maybe a slight critique for that specific excerpt, rather than gushing about your own writing. But I'd admit that the line between the two can get really, really blurry,
edited 4th Sep '11 11:34:09 PM by ArgeusthePaladin
BFS EnthusiastBut I am not ego stroking...
Wütend JaegerI personally think that many of the posts in this thread so far is leaning toward to ego-stroking-fest.
"I'm going to kill them all, but not before I teach them how to speak so they can beg for mercy while I kill them slowly and painfully!"
Nice GuyI'm pretty proud of a few CMOA's from Remus that I've written for my villain, but since he's a Chessmaster, they're all spoilers. Meanwhile, here's some of the script I've got kicking around my "possibly implement a few years down the road" file (involves the villain, but isn't spoilery and will probably never make it into the main body of the comic). It's from a flashback to the Second American Civil War that happens in my comic's backstory. Seth is the comic's resident Ax-Crazy Knife Nut and, at least in the flashback, the head of the U.S. Army's 17th Tactical Disposal Unit, nicknamed the Butchers. He's been inserted to prevent the assassination of the governor of New York, but has his own unknown agenda. This takes you from the start of the flashback up to the moment of awesome. Note: O.P. is "Out of Panel"
Flashback to the war. We’re in New York City. There’s large amounts of smoke coming off a few buildings, quite a few windows are shattered, there’s a few rocket impacts scattered around, etc. The main focus is a formal party on a rooftop. A sniper scope is placed over the whole image. Caption: "The governor is in position." An INSURGENT SNIPER lies in a very high window, aiming his rifle at a rooftop party on another building. Another insurgent stands behind him and is clearly the one in charge. The office used to be nice, but it’s in a bit of disrepair. Everyone in the office, including the sniper, is wearing baseball caps and bandanas over their faces. INSURGENT LEADER Good. Take ’im. Pull back to show 4 more insurgents around the room. One of them is SETH, slouching in a chair. INSURGENT SNIPER Kill confirmed. Goodbye, Governor Hauss. All the insurgents except SETH start celebrating. SETH stands up and looks very cold. He’s reaching behind his back with both hands. The INSURGENT LEADER turns to him and looks a bit confused. INSURGENT LEADER (WITH OTHERS) (In the background) Nice shooting. SETH One down... SETH pulls his knives out from their holsters 0behind his back. Everyone else is still congratulating the sniper and doesn’t see SETH. SETH ...Five to go. [page break] SETH nonchalantly exits the office, covered in blood. A corpse is visible through the open door as he walks through it. He’s holding a phone in one hand and a pistol in the other. SETH All units, this is Butcher 1-1 Actual. An INSURGENT sees SETH and raises his weapon. SETH is looking off to the side. SETH Priority targets eliminated. Prepare to engage secondaries. INSURGENT He’s here! He’s— SETH nonchalantly shoots the INSURGENT in the head, still without looking at him. SETH Move out immediately. SETH turns a corner and is about to head into a large, long hallway. There are elevators along the walls and full plate glass windows on both sides. PILOT (O.P.) (Phone) Roger that, sir. Back in the building. SETH, covered in blood, is walking down a hallway towards an opening. On the other side of the opening is a large hallway with elevators along the walls and plate glass windows on both sides. He turns the corner into the large hallway and gets a somewhat amused look on the small portion of his face that we can see under the mask. A large group of INSURGENTS stands with rifles trained on SETH. Behind them is a large plate glass window. Close up on one of the insurgents. INSURGENT You move, you die. SETH gets an evil looking gleam in his eye. SETH I wouldn’t be so sure. [page break] SETH stands in the hallway, calmly facing down the insurgents with his arms at his sides. The insurgents are angry. SETH You’ve already assassinated Governor Hauss. The insurgents start to look at each other, confused. SETH And for that, you have my gratitude. SETH smirks. SETH Unfortunately, you have outlived your usefulness. SETH Now if you’ll excuse me... A helicopter flies next to the window behind SETH. SETH is completely calm. A SOLDIER wearing a gas mask is manning a gatling gun pointed directly at the window. SETH I have a flight to catch.
You can probably guess what happens next.
edited 5th Sep '11 9:29:48 PM by KyleJacobs
Read Remus! Has nothing to do with wolves.
True. Hmm... I am thinking of an alternative way to use this thread. How about we turn it into a "quick critique" thread where we each take turn breaking apart the poster above's "moment"? Silly idea, I know.
Wütend JaegerI disagree; it actually sounds like a good idea.
"I'm going to kill them all, but not before I teach them how to speak so they can beg for mercy while I kill them slowly and painfully!"
It would certainly be more useful then a self-congratulating thread.
Again, context. Most of what makes a good moment in fiction is build-up. Without the build-up, the moment as it stands alone is useless.
How about a short "synopsis" of sort to provide this context? The critique would be based on the excerpt and this synopsis. Of course, there is a downside that we have to take the writer's words for the context. Just a thought.
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