Yes, I am a half-elf. Yes, I am using a longsword and shield. Yes, I do have a fairy familiar. Yes, I am skilled at magic, music and sword-fighting.
No, I am NOT Link, and the dm will murder me if I say "Well, excuse me, princess" one more time.
People say I have a problem with authority. I say that authority has a problem with me.
"No, no- see, the bec de corbin was a pole weapon, but not a pole-arm, since it was derived from the war hammer and the spike, or "fluke", was a secondary addition that later morphed into the- of course I get the +1 from using the 2/3rds rule with this, because it's a pole weapon!"
That's okay. In a pathfinder game I was in last weekend, my bard got into a musical duel with a sewer gator ate some mushrooms and spaced out for a few moments in front of the whole party, all because I suggested to the GM that there should totally be sewer gators with banjos.
x3 So, what about playing a comb, then? Also, using your minions as a xylophone has been done before by Marvin Suggs. Of course, if your bard is named Marvin Suggs, then I would totally count it as legitimate.
I don't have a middle aged bard, but I did make a middle aged Artificer for an Eberron campaign.
the prospect of being in presence of impossibly gigantic, improperly supported anti-gravity breasts has never made me afraid for my life.