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Misquoting Historical Figures for Fun and Profit, Mostly Fun:

 76 Mr AHR, Tue, 26th Apr '11 2:33:37 PM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
This is my new favorite thread.
Game Master
"You can thank me for searching the cuckoo quote and finding it again." — Nathan Fillion
TVTropes Nuzlocke Thread. - Arceus Help Us All.
 78 Mark Von Lewis, Tue, 26th Apr '11 2:46:11 PM from Somewhere in Time Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
KCCO
Whoa I had totally forgotten I made this thread!

"Not now, I'm watching my soaps." - Genghis Khan
Run the red, won't stop at night, I don't care for traffic lights.
 79 Ralphrius, Tue, 26th Apr '11 3:10:25 PM from Neo-Holland
Unwinning Ranger
"Join the army, they said. See the world, they said." - Julius Caesar.
 80 Mark Von Lewis, Tue, 26th Apr '11 3:26:20 PM from Somewhere in Time Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
KCCO
"Alright, soldier, if you aren't feeling up to battling today, take a day off." - George S Patton
Run the red, won't stop at night, I don't care for traffic lights.
"I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN" - Roberto Carlos

 82 Ironeye, Tue, 26th Apr '11 4:02:18 PM from SoCal Relationship Status: Falling within your bell curve
Cutmaster-san
"Rommel, you Magnificent Bastard! I read your bo—shit, I have to move this to YMMV now, don't I?" — George S. Patton
I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me.
 83 Saeglopur, Tue, 26th Apr '11 4:31:30 PM from Various places in the UK
Resident Hipster
"Ooh, okay, I've got a good one, right, listen to this: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar..." - Oscar Wilde.
Listen to Music with Tropers at The Troper Turntable!
 84 Madrugada, Tue, 26th Apr '11 4:39:52 PM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
^^[lol][lol][lol][lol]
'He strutted across the bedroom, his hard manhood pointing the way' sounds like he owns a badly named seeing-eye dog. 'Sit, Hard Manhood!
 85 inane 242, Tue, 26th Apr '11 4:46:01 PM from A B-Movie Bildungsroman
Anwalt der Verdammten
I meant "The Best minds of my generation destroyed by madness" IRONICALLY - Allen Ginsberg
 86 Bobby G, Tue, 26th Apr '11 5:08:09 PM from the Silvery Tay
vigilantly taxonomish
"I don't care what Rowling says, Harry/Hermione is canon!" - Roland Barthes

"It's a story about magic lions and fauns and evil witches and stuff. You people are reading way too much into it." - C.S. Lewis

"The fuck you listening to that old people music for? Get with the times, man!" - Harry Cox

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couples whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate. Only the other day, I was engaged in a scuffle with two such papist brutes, which caused my mother to become quite frightful, and she remarked to me, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and had a dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought nah, forget it, yo homes to Bel-Air! I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, and I yelled to the cabby "Yo, homes smell you later!" Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

- Jonathan Swift
 87 Mr AHR, Tue, 26th Apr '11 5:08:52 PM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
Oh you little bitch.[lol]

Thumbs up for the Bobster.

edited 26th Apr '11 5:09:05 PM by MrAHR

 88 ABNDT, Tue, 26th Apr '11 5:15:30 PM from where you're not looking
You can't kill a stone....
"You know, maybe the British have a point." -Joan of Arc

"Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA! Ooh, that's good. I should write it down." -Leonidas

"Phwoar, no wonder you want to sleep with your mother. I mean, damn!" -Sigmund Freud

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun. And she's giving me skin cancer." -Romeo

"It's evolution. I ain't gotta explain shit." -Charles Darwin

"Why does no one love meeeeeeee?" -Adolf Hitler

"Pleasedon'tsquishmepleasedon'tsquishmepleasedon'tsquishme" -Tank Man

"Long live Mother Russia!" -Joseph McCarthy

"You get Jerusalem on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and we get Jerusalem on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays will be decided by rock-paper-scissors, best of three." -Richard I

edited 26th Apr '11 5:15:45 PM by ABNDT

Panhandling sign glued to hands. Need $5 for solvent.
 89 Mark Von Lewis, Tue, 26th Apr '11 5:22:53 PM from Somewhere in Time Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
KCCO
Well played, Bobby G, well played indeed sir.

Run the red, won't stop at night, I don't care for traffic lights.
 90 inane 242, Tue, 26th Apr '11 6:51:14 PM from A B-Movie Bildungsroman
Anwalt der Verdammten
@ Bobby: Damn. And I thought my Ginsberg one was good...
The Saint of Lost Causes
"For the last time, no, we are NOT there yet!" -Christopher Columbus

 92 KCK, Tue, 26th Apr '11 9:27:40 PM from In your closet
Can I KCK it?
@Bobby G [awesome]
There's no justice in the world and there never was~
"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." - Buddha

"Fuck bitches, get immortality." - Laozi

"To create Friday, you must first create Thursday. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards." - Carl Sagan

edited 26th Apr '11 10:28:30 PM by AirofMystery

 94 Zersk, Tue, 26th Apr '11 10:47:56 PM from Columbia District, BNA
o-o
"Religion is the marijuana of the people. I mean seriously, have any of you guys heard of Rastafarianism? Damn, man, and they have some pretty good weed!" - Joseph Stalin

"He who neglects what is done for what ought to be done, sooner effects his chance of me bustin' a cap in that bitches ass." - Niccoló Machiavelli
ᐅᖃᐅᓯᖅ ᐊᑕᐅᓯᖅ ᓈᒻᒪᔪᐃᑦᑐᖅ
 95 Malph, Wed, 27th Apr '11 1:42:49 AM from The middle of somewhere Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
All hail
"Dude, I had the weirdest dream where I was a butterfly."- Huang Tzu

"How the hell do you see a penis when you look at that tower?"- Freud

"Yeah, beat the shit out of that horse! It totally deserves it!"- Nietzche

"Let he who is without sin go out and live a little."- Jesus

"Rule by the people? Awesome idea."- Socrates
So, in the U.S., randomly stripping is a signal that you want to sing the national anthem? - That Human
 96 ABNDT, Wed, 27th Apr '11 1:58:27 AM from where you're not looking
You can't kill a stone....
"Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? No, say I, he needs a shower!" -Ayn Rand

"Gaze upon my radiant beauty and despair!" -Gary Busey

"The Earth moves around the sun...and around...and around...gettin' kinda dizzy here." -Galileo

"You know what the next Star Wars rerelease needs? Finger puppets!" -George Lucas
Panhandling sign glued to hands. Need $5 for solvent.
 97 captainbrass 2, Wed, 27th Apr '11 2:09:57 AM from the United Kingdom
"Call me Ishmael. Well, all of you except Betty, 'cause Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al!" Herman Melville.
"Well, it's a lifestyle"
 98 pagad, Thu, 28th Apr '11 9:29:48 AM from perfidious Albion Relationship Status: Having tea with Cthulhu
Sneering Imperialist
"Bitches don't know about my V2s." - Adolf Hitler

"Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive." - Pope Benedict XVI
Permanently Banned
"Obedience is the role of a woman, thinking that of a man." - Adam Smith

edited 28th Apr '11 5:41:40 PM by Shichibukai

Requiem ~ September 2010 - October 2011

[Banned 4 Life]
 100 Astrosimi, Thu, 28th Apr '11 6:24:39 PM from God's Waiting Room
Astronomically Awesome
"I do predict, that in the future, I shall be continuously and falsely attributed to inane sayings by a futuristic subculture whose wisdom is only surpassed by its hubris." - Oscar Wilde

"HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS" - Oscar Wilde
A child may be raised to think that light is darkness, but the light still enlightens.
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