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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
Homestuck Jossed Felt
    Who Is Lord English? Not these guys 
Vriska will become Lord English
Based on the recent appearance of a broken 8-ball(?) in relation to LE, and the fact that Doc Scratch really cares what she does. She is also arguably the most powerful of the trolls, and wants to be (or is) the one behind everything. For a little self-regulation, here's some points against: Doc Scratch apparantly tried to kill Vriska, though it's possible he knew it wouldn't kill her; Vriska doesn't want to be the bad guy, she wants to be the hero, even if that means creating the bad guy so she can beat them.
  • Her powers will completely change from Luck to Time that makes sense. Moreover, English is male.
    • Jossed, she's dead.

Above it is mentioned that Vriska cannot be Lord English because Lord English is in fact male. Am I correct in assuming Hussie has only ever written "The demon is already here"? It was the fans who shortened it to "He is already here". The demon may in fact be female.
  • Doc referred to him with male pronouns, as did Slick and co.
    • Technically Jossed, but Jade might be a candidate host now.

Vriska will create Lord English
Because of many of the thoughts related above: She's powerful, Scratch cares what she does, and she's willing to create the Bad Guy so that she can them defeat them and be the hero. On a similar note......
  • Extrememly unlikely at this point. She doesn't even know he exists.
    • Jossed; at the very least she does not do so consciously.

Gamzee is Lord English
Think about it. He's called the "Most Important Character in Homestuck." He may well lead to the deaths of all the other trolls. On top of that, his ancestor was the Grand Highblood, which may make him large enough to fit in the Cairo Jacket.
  • Gamzee Makara may never have existed, or he may have been killed and replaced by Lord English. Either those or he's being possessed.
    • It was a joke. Besides, he also has no time traveling powers.
      • Jossed, he's taken down by Karkat easily.
      • And then uses Doc Scratch as a host.

Doc Scratch is Lord English merged with the First Guardian code.
The original Lord English was unleashed on the Kids dimension. Somehow, somebody in the Alternia-verse managed to obtain his genetic code (probably related to Jack somehow, since he seems to be the only thing that moved from the Kids' world to Alternia-verse) and make it into a First Guardian - Doc Scratch.
  • Semi-confirmed. The First Guardian code is part of what allows English to manifest; however, the rest of the particulars are incorrect.

Well, think about it. Whenever Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff appear, they warp and distort the comic. Maybe Lord English isn't them directly, but was, at some point, somehow made with them. For evidence, I present the ominous passage found on this page.
  • Plausible; but you have to remember LE is a) the Big Bad (probably) and b) way beyond a single session. SBAHJ is too comedic for genuine villainry.
    • That passage is Andrew Hussie speaking. I mean, it DOES explicitly say that it was "the authors HOT SELF INSERT....." here.

Lord English is the bunny.
Because why not.
  • Too short
    • Still possible, monsterfier and the one that makes things smaller. Unlikely.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Diamonds Droog.
His cold, calculating personality combined with his weapon of choice already fitting The Felt's theme, The Ultra Violence Cue-Stick, make him an obvious choice.
  • He has also shown remarkable combat prowess, and seems to have an agenda of his own.
  • If this is to believed, because he wields a cuestick, then that would mean he's the one knocking people around, he's the pool shark in control of it all. Using Doc Scratch(The Cueball) he's bouncing people, timelines, etc, off of each other to reach his goal.
    • Stitch doesn't recognize him as English, and Stitch has seen English. That's the only flaw I can find, aside from his height
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Eddie Morton
Based on this page.
  • Morton's dead.

Lord English is a Hero of Time from another, failed, Sburb session.
And managed to escape the reset. Sorta unlikely, but still.
  • Indeed unlikely; Andrew hasn't introduced any random new characters in quite some time and LE is probably someone already in the cast.
  • Jossed.
  • Actually, semi-confirmed! Openbound confirms that Caliborn is LE and his class is Lord of Time. The only thing that remains to be seen is whether or not his session was a failure.

The anime girls found in the Squiddles static are unconscious parts of Lord English
Think Power Rangers or Captain Planet for a moment here. As the Squiddles are horror-terrors, inhabiting the Furthest Ring, at one time, they were alive and...humanoid to a degree. (cough...Slenderman...cough) As humans, we see Squiddles when they are Cthulu, and by extension, we see anime girls when those images are really their humanoid forms. As Hussie spoofs a lot of things in Homestuck, the anime girls will appear somehow in a future act as a spoof of manga and anime, and when these girls summon their zords or have their powers combine, Lord English descends.

And, as this theory needs a bit of stupid to really be considered, a rare edition of Hunk Rump will be discovered to contain Penthouse-like letters working as an instruction manual/cheat sheet to ScRUMP, the new version of the session created by when the Kids and Trolls scratch occur, revealing Gamzee's cult to be behind Bard Quest's Dragon and behind the imprisonment of the the four Jail Broken prisoners, using Prince Persia Sword Time Shit to have them relive their nightmares until the Pony of Doom meets the Donkey of Despair and the cult feels rewarded by their efforts. Before anything like this happens, though, Lord English must descend, in the Kids-Trolls combined session, as this session is different from everything else due to the What Pumpkins of all Pumpkins, the Pimp-Coat-Kin, empowered by Nic Cage of all things, required for Gamzee's cult to attain their goals.
  • The Squiddles flash is non canon, those girls were in jokes for the animators. This is pretty noticeable by the pretty blatant sexual content for instance, which is canon is not present in the show.

Lord English is an expy of Mobster Kingpin
The evidence: Mobster Kingpin's flagship is the Chicago Overcoat, Lord English has a Cairo Overcoat; Mobster Kingpin was temporarily a member of the Midnight Crew, and all four permanent members of the Midnight Crew have counterparts in Homestuck; Lord English is implicitly an Eldritch Abomination or Humanoid Abomination, Mobster Kingpin can go One-Winged Angel and transform into his Eldritch Abomination form, Demonhead Mobster Kingpin; it has been speculated that Lord English is the cue stick in the Felt's pool theme, which wouldn't work for Mobster Kingpin, but he would fit in as the pool player; finally, Mobster Kingpin would fit perfectly in The Felt's gangster theme as The Don.
  • Probably not. No character from PS have explicitly appeared and the Homestuck MC are very different from the PS MC.
  • Jossed.

Snowman is Lord English
  • Based on the fact that she appears in the site banners after Doc Scratch's house is lit on fire and Slick dies(?).
    • Nah, Snowman already exists in the universe. English can't enter until Doc dies.
      • But HE IS ALREADY HERE.
      • Snowman is the BQ from the troll session so she can't be LE because she entered the trollverse with no special conditions. Moreover; Female and too short.
  • Jossed.

Nic Cage is Lord English
  • Nic Cage is the only person awesome enough to be Lord English, after all, he is a vampire. And he is already here.
  • Jossed.

The Grand Highblood is Lord English.
Motherfucker's huge. I could see him wearing that coat.
  • Dead on Alternia long before beginning of Hivebent.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Jade's grandson
Doc Scratch said that Lord English would arrange his own creation, because he's already here. Jade's grandson helped Jade send John's present which created the chain of sequences that led to this whole mess.
  • Probably not! Remember, English is part of Sburb proper and is greater than any single session. Moreover J will likely not make any appearances until the epilogue at this rate.
    • Speculation within speculation Jossed; Jake has already appeared in Act 6. Further, where is it said that Lord English is a part of SBURB itself?
  • Jossed

Lord English is Bec Noir.

Why? Lord English is described as an indestructible demon that will utterly destroy everything upon his arrival. Bec Noir comes VERY close to that description, and has resigned himself to destroying everything that exists.
  • He's way too short and there is no conceivable way Snowman would ever work for a Jack Noir. The parallels between Noir and English are deliberately there in order to have mislead people into thinking English was the villain of the Troll's story.
  • Made more unlikely, as Doc Scratch discussed why Lord English would be an acceptable alternative to Bec Noir. It's not impossible, but even literally omniscient beings would have to be unaware of it.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Pickle Inspector
Let's see, PI is very tall, has appeared in a ludicrous amount of forms and variations (One such form was a god), heck the poor guy even looks somewhat like a cuestick! ...This is highly unlikely, but the prospect of PI dressed in a huge green overcoat that's too wide for him with flashing cueball eyes was too funny to dismiss.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Falkor from The NeverEnding Story.
  • Lord English has been confirmed to have cue-ball eyes, as in when he's tormenting Aradia's ancestor. The connection between him and Falkor can be found on this page. Also, Falkor has been connected to AH, thus explaining how Andrew got the Cairo Overcoat. And, to top it all off, he's ALREADY HERE.
    • A panel mentions AH having to 'drag Falkor out behind the shed and put him down'. So either Jossed, or that's how the game ends.
  • Jossed.

Pardon the crude way of putting it, but the theory goes like this: Lord English is a being beyond the universe, right? So, why does he have to be a character already revealed? Sure, Lord English is just his title, but there is no evidence besides that to support the idea that he is a character already seen. Him being Pickle Inspector, or the reader, is quite plausible, but even then the latter would be too Mind-Screwy, and the former is just too kind and quiet to be a malicious demon. Therefore, Lord English is really his own character, and has yet to truly be revealed, as he is not one of the current characters revealed.
  • Because in all of Andrew's work for the past few years, he has without fail introduced the villain in the guise of a protagonist before their motivations become revealed. Mobster Kingpin, Jack Noir, Doc Scratch, Betty Crocker, etc.
    • ...That is not the definition of a protagonist.
    • We didn't know Doc, Jack, or MK were villains until later in the story; ie the guise of a protagonist.
  • And while it's been a long time since Hussie introduced a new character, considering how important he's been in the background of much of Act 5, in a very real sense, HE IS ALREADY HERE.
  • Confirmed, sort of, though he actually seems to be an Evil Counterpart to Doc. Jossed in spirit though, as he's been retroactively hinted at since Cal's introduction, again in the guise of a protagonist.

Lord English Was Once a Man
And he was Dave.
  • Jossed.
    • Okay, then... He was Jake. Come on, one of the Alpha kids is named Jake English? And the Alpha kids are introduced right after we see Lord English enter the world in Intermission 2? If they're not one and the same, they're at least connected somehow, because that kind of thing being a coincidence is just too far-fetched to be anything but ridiculous and implausible.
      • And when he puts on his computers, he looks very much like Lord English. There is a connection. There must be.
      • Red Herring potentially. We've yet to know, but that's a separate WMG at any rate.

Lord English is Wossy
Because if in real life, you saw an Englishman in that coat, and couldn't see his face, and were told to guess his identity, what would be your first thought?
  • Jossed. We can see his face now.

Everyone is Lord English.
Be it everyone in Sburb, or literally everyone. He is the living representation of the worst you could ever fall. That is why his true name inspires ultimate terror; discovering that it's your own.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is Betty Crocker
As of the latest updates, Nannasprite says Betty Crocker wasn't human. There's only one person diabolical enough to assume the guise of the batterwitch herself...
  • Even more likely now, considering who sent Dave the Miracles video.
    • Jossed. At this point it is very likely that Betty Crocker is Feferi's ancestor, who is nevertheless destined to become Lord English's servant.

Lord English is an Infovore
Of the sort seen in Stross's Atrocity Archives. Both of them are 'summoned' with someone's death, and generally both of them will eat your universe when they arrive in it.

Lord English is completely unaware that he is Lord English - and, more specifically, Lord English is Karkat
Lord English is summoned upon the end of the world, and goes back in time to ensure the events that lead to his own creation. Thus, he exists solely to bring about the end of the world - but what if he doesn't realize this? Karkat has confessed to being the one who gave the cancer to the human's universe, and his actions have directly led to other failed timelines and bad things happening in the alpha-timeline. He could have been summoned as Lord English as a grub (when he would not be able to remember it) and sent back in time to Alternia - explaining his mutant-blood, as he was not actually born through traditional troll reproduction. He doesn't realize that he's solely responsible for the end of the world; he just is.
  • Karkat's responsibility for everything that happens may be just as much a result of the curse or Paradox Space.
  • Jossed.

Lord English is to Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff as the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors are to the squiddles
All of them clearly warp their respective realities- however, SBAHJ is far too light hearted to literally be Lord English. Dave will destroy the Green Sun/ kill Doc Scratch, and catch a glimpse (or more) of Lord English. This reverberates back through his life, and SBAHJ become his subconcious representation of a reality warper.
  • Jossed

Lord English is the pockets
The Felt are pool-themed. Doc Scratch is the cueball, the numbered members are the numbered balls and the Handmaid seems to represent the cuestick. The only things left are the table, the player, the rack and the chalk. Since Lord English is basically a Planet Eater turned Up to Eleven, he corresponds to the pool table's pockets.
  • Cue stick by Word of God. Handmaid and Empress do not represent anything in the pool metaphors.

Doc Scratch is Lord English
Or rather, Lord English is Doc Scratch. It's not a reverse Calvin and Hobbes-type thing. Lord English has been flash-stepping Doc Scratch all along to help arrange his own summoning. Logically, this must mean Bro is Lord English.
  • Ultimate speculation Jossed, though he IS Doc Scratch.
  • To those who get confused: Doc Scratch is Lord English, but most of the details here are Jossed.
    • Though the parallel to a puppetmaster with Bro and Cal was intentional.

The Felt are Uranium beings.
Interviews have stated that Uranium (The green grist) exists, and there are Uranium monsters. It seems that the Midnight Crew are Oil/Shale beings, so that the Felt can only be Uranium Gangsters. What happened to the Amber(yellow) and Chalk(white) Gangsters for the other elements? They're all dead.
  • Tying into this, consider this....the Felt all have powers that either warp the fabric of time or reality itself. What are the Uranium imps seen doing in the LOFAF?
    • Imps and Underlings in general don't bleed. The Felt do.
      • Clearly, the gangsters are a "second-tier" enemy type, who get the post-medium ring forms instead. In particular, they are related to Doomed Dave. They embody his knowledge of the Felt and Midnight Crew. Then, images of them somehow make their way to Earth through shenanigans, and a game developer found them, and created games about them. Henceforth, a stable time paradox, fitting with Dave's nature as Knight of Time. By messing with the fragile timeline, he created a related phenomenon that was in itself a stable time loop.
  • The white (chalk) ones are Problem Sleuth, Ace Dick, Pickle Inspector, and Mobster Kingpin.
  • Jossed.

When Jade enters the Medium, alternate universe versions of the Felt will appear.
Tying in to the above theory, it's not implausible to think so, since we've seen alternate versions of the Midnight Crew in Derse.
  • Jossed.

The surviving members of The Felt are connected to (or are) the twelve Trolls
With the exception of Lord English, there are twelve remaining members of The Felt. Additionally, Spades Slick makes repeated mentions of confusing time-related shenanigans with respect to the members of The Felt;
"Best to avoid DIE (6) in any direct confrontations unless you want a temporal mess on your hands."
"But it looks like there's already been some action in here. Or there will be. You can never take tense for granted with these goons."
The Felt seems to exhibit the same sort of temporal disconnectedness as the Trolls have claimed to have.
  • The Felt are all guys, and also all bleed red. The trolls don't.
    • Straight jossed with later acts like the Trolls dying all over the place.

Snowman is Rose's Mother
  • Not unless Rose's Mother can become the black queen of another universe.

The Felt will become very significant in the troll intermission
This is pretty much just a shot in the dark, but oh well. There has been discusion about the world ending in the trolls' session, such as here. Where have we heard of that before? That's right, Snowman. "If you kill her you destroy the universe." Coincidence? There's no such thing where Andrew is involved.
  • Nope.

Doc Scratch's death will cause the scratch
He wants to die, so it's beneficial to him anyway. What happens when you pocket the cue ball? You scratch.
  • Jossed. Unrelated entirely actually.

Doc Scratch's head is actually a mask/helmet. His secret identity is...
Dad. Because why not, it's not like we know where he's from.
  • Cal skull.

Destroying the Green Sun doesn't kill those connected to it, it simply removed their Guardian abilities and reverts them to how they were before.
Jack will become a normal chess-doll-cat-bird-dog psychopath. Jadesprite will become a much happier dog-girl. Doc Scratch... who knows? Well, for one theory...
  • Presumably true at this point, based on Doc's cryptic conversations the destruction of the sun won't kill him outright.
    • And now irrelevant.

The Felt are frogclones made in the cloning labs by the kids and trolls.
A recent update shows that the cloning lab is made not to repopulate the planets with people, but... with FROGS. Perhaps the Felt are strange frog clones made in these cloning labs.
  • Recent developments seem to joss the underlying assumption.

Quarters is the bartender
Based on the 'Quart' in his name. He mixes sinister drinks in his BLENDER. His ability is to BLEND timelines together. He has multiple jars of liquid time.
  • You do not under any circumstances drink the liquid time.
    • You hate time hangovers you hate time hangovers you hate time hangovers
  • This is the saddest thing I've ever had to say, but it's looking jossed.

Cal was used to make the 14 green members of The Felt.
Moreover, the felt members would be Cal's imperfect clones. The time-related powers could easily be mutations of Cal's teleporting power from way, way back in Dave's dreams.
  • True in the case of Scratch, at least. Hee hee hoo hoo haa haa.
    • Cal doesn't have teleporting powers, that was simply Dave subconsciously manipulating him because he thought Cal had teleporting powers. Confused?
    • They also bleed and Cal doesn't.
      • But Doc Scratch does.
      • The Felt are unrelated to Cal, though they are seemingly related to Cal, having more in common with Lord English.

Doc Scratch wants the Green Sun destroyed to sabotage Lord English's plans.
Doc Scratch has never once failed to complete his objective, and never will, and he cannot act against his objective, however First Guardians need the Green Sun as a power source, and will die without it. Doc Scratch is using Loophole Abuse and the dark spots in his virtual omniscience to rebel against Lord English, facilitating the destruction of the Green Sun to prevent new instances of himself from being spawned.
  • Or he's genuinely trying to serve English because that makes more sense than whatever this is. English seemingly isn't powered by the Sun at any rate.
  • Isn't it stated that English is only unleashed by the destruction of a universe?
  • Oh so very Jossed.

Clover and Quarters are the same person
Quarters just appears less often. Perhaps even a fraction of the time. Bordering on the titular.
  • But Slick seems to think Quarters is dead during the intermission... if Clover and Quarters can be respectively alive and dead at the same time, isn't that a pretty good fundamental litmus test for whether they're two different people?
  • Slick's also an idiot. Quarters could simply have disappeared and Slick counted him dead.
    • Jossed.
      • You know for something that is Jossed this was remarkably close.

Whoever uses Quarter's "Quarter" can become him
You just have to be lucky for it to work, and Clover is VERY lucky. This also explains why Spades thought Quarters was dead before, when he really only killed the person using the coin.
  • Then why is the other side a 4? I could understand one being 14, but by your logic the other side of the coin should be blank.
    • Each member has their own Quarter to use as a last resort.
      • Good call; not exactly but pretty close. Still, only Clover can switch places with Quarters

Slick won't be the one to kill Snowman— but Jack (Bec) Noir will.
Slick wasn't able to do it because his caliginous feelings for her were too strong: they'd built up their kismesissitude for years after being exiled and killing her would seem like a waste. He would basically rather put up with his huge bitch forever than end the universe, since doing so consequently ends the relationship. Jack, on the other hand, killed his version of the Black Queen using the first chance he got, and thus has no deeper attachment to her. Since Jack is confirmed for ending up in the troll's session, he will somehow run into Snowman and— mistaking her for his session's queen— kill her in his murderous rage, without realizing he's ending the universe.
  • Still has no known way to get to the Trollverse, so we're still confused.
  • Jossed by [S] Cascade

Andrew will accidentally summon Lord English
Seems like the kind of thing he'd do. Especially considering how his current battle against Doc Scratch is going.
  • Confirmed. At the very least, he plays a critical role by killing Doc Scratch.
    • Jossed actually. Word of God is that Andrew's attack on Doc Scratch didn't harm him at all.

When Lord English is officially introduced, there will be two of him.
One will be the Lord English that whose summoning was orchestrated by Doc Scratch, and the other will be the Lord English that was already there. Further upon that, the two Lord English will merge together to become a supreme being which will most likely be the True Final Boss.
  • Uh no. The LE Scratch summoned immediately went back in time to become the LE who is already here.
    • Hold it! This is partially confirmed in a few ways. One, when Lord English was introduced as Caliborn, he was actually two Cherubs sharing the same body. Also, look at what he (Caliborn) does to Jack Noir, who has a familiar gold tooth, one leg replaced with a gold peg leg, and Lord English's flashing pool ball eyes. It leads me to believe that since Caliborn himself caused this to happen, and is confirmed to become Lord English, that he can simply infuse himself into another being's soul through Cal, thus creating multiple Lord English beings!


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