hey kids do you want to see a dead body
was a comedic JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable fanfiction by Shortfuse.
A meteor with a humanlike face lands in a field outside Morioh. Mikitaka Hazekura determines it to be alive and brings Josuke Higashikata, Okuyasu Nijimura, and Koichi Hirose to investigate. Josuke decides to revive it with Crazy Diamond, not knowing that the "alien fossil" is in fact the petrified Kars. The disgraced Ultimate Life Form is thankfully severely weakened from his ordeal in space. Hilarity Ensues, but Josuke contacts Jotaro, who gets Joseph and the Speedwagon Foundation involved.
Eight chapters of this fanfic are available. A ninth was posted, but removed, and the author officially declared it a Dead Fic.
Tropes appearing in this fanfiction:
- Adaptational Diversity: It's hardly a representational landmark, but Gatta (Stray Cat) is a female in this fic when it is referred to with male pronouns in the manga and anime.
- Adaptational Sexuality: It hardly has any bearing on the story, but Josuke and Okuyasu are a couple in this fic.
- Batman in My Basement: The boys hide "Otto" in the Nijimura house's attic.
- Brick Joke: Josuke adopts the frog and calls it "Otto 2: certified World's Stickiest Bastard."
- Calling the Old Man Out: Santana to his adoptive father in the deleted ninth chapter. It doesn't work, only reopening his trauma.
- Cats Are Mean: Gatta "would only show concern for a dying man if it meant she could eat the body."
- Cerebus Syndrome: Chapter 9 was much more serious than the rest of the fic, having virtually no humor and dealing with Santana confronting Kars for treating him like an animal for millennia and abandoning him.
- Exotic Equipment: Kars is implied to have this. Mikitaka is frightened by what he sees when he looks under the unconscious "alien's" loincloth. The author refused to elucidate any further.
- Feathered Serpent: Referenced with Santana's Stand, Godhunter, which takes the form of a colony of winged coral snakes.
- Forgot About His Powers: It takes Kars some time to get his mental faculties back, and it's implied his abilities are severely weakened.
- Heel–Face Turn: Santana lives with and works for the Speedwagon Foundation. He still thinks little of Joseph and anyone related to him, but grudgingly gets along with them when the Santana we saw would have tried to kill them on sight. And he somehow acquired a Stand.
- Missing Episode: The ninth and final chapter to be posted was deleted from Archive of Our Own for reasons unknown.
- No Ending: Due to being a Dead Fic.
- Pet the Dog: The only denizen of Morioh that Kars shows any affection for is Stray Cat (called Gatta in the fic).
- Shout-Out:
- The sample we get of Mikitaka's untranslated speech is "w’leah yterhm fthagn l’lweh".
- The Speedwagon Foundation is depicted as highly reminiscent of the SCP Foundation, with its transcripts of communications between agents and the humanoid containment chamber where Santana lives.
- Stealth Pun: Okuyasu decides to call the creature Otto. In-universe, it's after Otto von Bismarck, but it also sounds like "auto," as in "automobile," as in "cars."
- Take Our Word for It: Mikitaka does not share what he saw when he peeked under an unconscious Kars' loincloth, and the author declined to answer a comment asking about it.
- Translator Microbes: Mikitaka has a device on his shirt that acts as a Universal Translator.
- Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: Santana still finds Joseph annoying, but it's implied they've worked together before.
- Walking Spoiler: The true identity of the Speedwagon Foundation agent with the alias "Godhunter": a reformed Santana.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: The Ultimate Life Form is terrified of... frogs.
