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Quotes / Villains Out Shopping

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"Some days, you just don't feel all that evil."

Naomi: I'm leaving, I'll be back later. Take care of yourselves and try not to destroy any furniture in your petty battles for world domination.
Light: My goal is not world domination.
Naomi: Light, you said you'd be god of the new world. What do you call that?
Light: A new era of enlightenment.
Duck: To save face and not sound like a jackass I'll be frank, my goal is world domination.
Naomi: Whatever. Try not to get any blood on the carpet.

"Now is a chance to see what happens to the Master between the Doctor's adventures, what he gets up after his last defeat and before his next (I hate to sound pessimistic but it's his lot in life)."

"Zod at a coffeehouse. That's the name of my new beat play. But anyway, we see Zod not making people kneel... but instead getting coffee. Menacing indeed."
Neal Bailey on Smallville, "Crossfire"

"That's cute, Thanos has a retirement plan."
James "Rhodey" Rhodes/War Machine, Avengers: Endgame

Sgt. Bidet: He's out there somewhere, Peep. A ruthless, bloodthirsty killer.
[cut to the Nomad under a palm tree with a bag of sweets]
Nomad: Oh goody, nothing but red ones left!

"Light, since nobody's home right now, let's play Mario Golf. We haven't played in a while."

"At four PM, I shall return home for a nap and an early dinner... ...At seven, I shall go the gala at Buckingham Palace and blow the place to kingdom come!"
Professor James Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes radio drama

"Once Clark’s done working on his fitness, it’s back to Lex Luthor, who is inexplicably practicing ballroom dancing with a woman dressed as Marie Antoinette in what is unquestionably the single best shot of the movie. I just love that Luthor has weird habits to goof off with whenever he has downtime from his Kill Superman plans. It’s also worth noting that he’s wearing a golden dollar sign medallion for the duration of this scene."

Newsreader: Voldemort blogs about [his return to power] on his new FlooTube channel.
Voldemort: I'M GONNA FIND HARRY POTTER AND I'M GONNA [bleep] IN HIS [bleep]!
Newsreader: Also does a review of 17 Again (2009).
Voldemort: Well, it was a little slow at the beginning, but come on: Zac Efron! Zefron! 'Nuff said.

"The [Decepticon Justice Division] were never going to be utterly murderous, terrifying, super-evil monsters 24/7, because who is like that, really? But given that, as readers, you weren't afforded a privileged 'off-stage' glimpse into their lives until #39, but instead saw them as the 'in universe' characters did, of course based on the info given you're gonna assume they're 100% awful — everyone 'in universe' does."
James Roberts on issue #39 of Transformers: More than Meets the Eye

"...We should pick up some milk while we're here."
Dr. Drakken, Kim Possible

"Don't bother me, Knuckles! I just want to play some slots!"
Danny Sexbang, pretending to be Dr. Eggman

The vampire moped for a week. Not in the way that one might expect him to — with fire and death, blood running red in the streets, and a dark miasma blotting out the sun. No, the vampire moped pretty much the same way everyone else does — he watched television.
An Unattractive Vampire by Jim McDoniel

"Fawful is on the cozy couch, sipping tea that laughs at you! And he is watching the seal on the Dark Star as it breaks... When it does, all the kingdom will be dark as darkness! But until then... maybe Fawful will have some shopping."

Ganyu: I think you've had enough. About time you tell us your plan, no?
Fatui Skirmisher: Plan... What plan?
Ganyu: We just taught you a lesson, but clearly, you weren't paying attention. If you don't spill whatever you're scheming against Liyue... We'll be forced to use harsher methods.
Fatui Skirmisher: I'm telling the truth. There's no scheme.
Ganyu: If you're telling the truth, then why would you, a member of the Fatui, suddenly appear on the outskirts of Qingce Village?
Fatui Skirmisher: Fine. If you really want know, then, well... I was about to...
Paimon: About to... what?
Fatui Skirmisher: ...pick berries over there.
Ganyu: Uhh... I must admit, I didn't expect you to come up with a silly excuse.
Fatui Skirmisher: It's not an excuse! I rarely have a free morning, and I heard that there were fresh berries in this area... Think about it. I'm here alone and Qingce Village is nothing more than a retirement spot for old people. What could I be scheming anyway?
Paimon: Judging by how he's looking at us, it does seem like he feels like he's the victim here.
Ganyu: So you have nothing to do with the occupation of Fanmu Carpenter's warehouse?
Fatui Skirmisher: Fanmu Carpenter's warehouse? Where is that? I swear, I only came here to pick berries, that's all.
Genshin Impact, "Sea of Clouds, Sea of People"

Agent Stone: I just thought you might like a latte with steamed Austrian goat milk?
Dr. Robotnik: ...What do I look like, an imbecile? Of course I want a latte. I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE THEM!

"Contrary to All for One's usual habits of death, destruction, revolution of society and inhumane quirk experimentation, he did have a few milder hobbies."

Glumshanks: Sir, if you hate the Skylanders so much, why are we here?
Kaos: I'm getting a lay of the land for my attack. Plus, I need to know who to draft for my Skylander fantasy league.
Glumshanks: I guess every supervillain needs a pointless hobby. (Kaos hits him with his binoculars)
Kaos: Don't judge me, Glumshanks. I don't mock those little candies you collect.
Glumshanks: That's my anxiety medication, sir.

"Most people just know my father as the despotic warlord who rules Europa, but he does have his amusing Sparky quirks. Did you know he really loves waffles?"
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach on his father Klaus, in Girl Genius (Vol. IX p. 77)

Wordgirl: Dr. Two Brains! Robbing the hardware store, eh?
Cashier: He wasn't robbing me. Look, he's in the middle of handing me money.
Wordgirl: Oh. Anyways, I'm surprised to see you here and not trying to rob the cheese delivery van like you said you would.
Dr. Two Brains: I said I'd think about it.


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