Quotes: The Computer Is a Cheating Bastard

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    Film — Live-Action 

Chess Wizard: Your move: king to rook one. My move: rook to knight six. Checkmate. Checkmate.
MacReady pours his drink into the computer tower, frying it
MacReady: Cheating bitch.


The thing about video game basketball is that the computer decides whether or not the ball goes in when you shoot.
David Wong, John Dies at the End

     Video Games 

You don't know how the intruders managed to get past your Zoltan Energy Shield!

Due to space treachery, your enemy will always go first!

    Web Animation 

The player can't survive more than a measly handfuls of bullet ripping though their flesh, while the armored enemies can take so many rounds to the torso you'd think there'd be nothing left but a spinal column and the Corn Flakes they had for breakfast. They can spot you in pitch darkness even with your flashlight off, and they can shoot you from halfway to Neverland because their guns have magic accuracy that evaporates the instant you get your hands on them.

    Web Original 

"Luke, for example, has a move where he throws his lightsaber at you. Not only does this move do about 75% of your life on hit, it’s also entirely unblockable. The AI can and will use this move against you if it has the meter to do so, and it doesn’t have to worry about trying to get in the half circle motion required to do it."
Bobinator on Star Wars: Masters of Teräs KäsiPlayStation (1997)

Oh, and to add insult to injury, Seth is generally regarded as one of the least effective player characters in the game. That's right: He's only awesome when he's computer-controlled. Because the computer is a cheap, cheating bastard.

Don't you know? 'CC' in Mario Kart refers to 'Cheating Capacity'. On 50cc, they have a much lower cheating capacity than on 150cc, where everyone but you is hacking to go max speed all the time.
—Post on VGF on the cheatsy AI in Mario Kart.

    Web Video 

What I really hate are the F.B.I. Agents and the Scientists...Tryin' to outrun these guys without steppin' in the holes is a pain in the ass.

* grunt* C'mon. C'mon, c'mon you motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker RRRRGH (falls)

And how come they can pass over a hole and you can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pass over the hole again, yeah. Fuck you. I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole.

Yeah, you know it's a Pokémon Let's Play if you get random criticals when you don't need them, your opponent gets them all the time at the most crucial moments, you don't catch Pokémon when they're in perfectly catchable ranges.

Gnu Gnu: Hi, there! Want to race me to my Food Shop? Last one there's a rotten egg!
Noah: The fuck—? He used a teleporter? That cheating son of a bitch! I swear to God, if I ever play Ultima VII again I'm gonna track him down so I can go to the Forge of Virtue, take the dark core of Exodus and send it to the void straight up this cocksucker's cheating ass! Who builds a teleporter to cheat at something this fucking petty?
Noah Antwiler on Ultima: Runes of Virtue

How the hell do you have a Dragonite at Level 49, you hacker?! It evolves at 55! This guy...I swear man, this guy hacks.
Haydunn, in the Champion battle against Lance in his Pokemon Heart Gold Nuzlocke

    Western Animation 

Bob: Matrix! Help!
Matrix: I can't! The rules are clear!
Bob: You're a renegade! CHEAT!
Matrix: Oh, right. (cheats)
ReBoot, computer characters abusing the trope, again.