Quotes: Old Media Are Evil

You cannot hope to bribe or twist, thank God! the British journalist. But, seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to.
Humbert Wolfe

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    film - live action 

If the headline is big enough, it makes the news big enough.

Peter Parker: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to SAVE it! That's slander!
J. Jonah Jameson: It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel.

The news is a sacred temple. And you are part of the cabal that's ruining with horseshit!
Craig Pomeroy, Morning Glory

Well, if you want to try and turn this into some anti-war protest, expect to hear your "Mountain of Conflict" soundbite everywhere: from ringtones to a fucking dance mix on YouTube. And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide. (no reply) Righto, let's just go and draft your "Dear Prime Minister, just a quick note to say thanks for giving me the sack" letter.
Malcolm Tucker, In the Loop

Television is not the truth. Television's a god-damned amusement park. Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players. We're in the boredom-killing business. So if you want the Truth, go to God! Go to your gurus. Go to yourselves! Because that's the only place you're ever gonna find any real truth. But, man, you're never gonna get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you wanna hear. We lie like hell. We'll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer and that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house. And no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry. Just look at your watch. At the end of the hour, he's gonna win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in illusions, man. None of it is true! But you people sit there day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds. We're all you know. You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here. You're beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal! You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube! You eat like the tube! You raise your children like the tube! You even think like the tube! This is mass madness. You maniacs. In God's name, you people are the real thing! We are the illusion!
Howard Beale, Network

    live-action tv 

Sheridan: You didn't come here to do an objective story.
Dan Randall, ISN: There's no such thing. The objective journalist is one of those great myths you read about, like a griffin or a phoenix or an honest politician.

You know what a fake news show on Fox News should give you? Real news.

Joe Scarborough: He gives great advice. And listen, if he's got magic coffee beans, I want some of that.
John: You JUST SHOWED A REPORT THAT IMPLIED THEY DIDN'T WORK! You basically just did an Emperor's New Clothes piece and then ended it by saying, "btw, the emperor's tailor was incredible. That guy can stitch."


We talk and talk until my head explodes
I turn on the news and my body froze
The braying sheep on my TV screen
Make this boy shout, make this boy scream!
The Jam, "Going Underground"

I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something
Something I can use
People love it when you lose
They love dirty laundry
Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Don Henley, "Dirty Laundry"

    newspaper comics 

Oh greatest of the mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

    web original 

Cronkite?! Jesus, kid! Cronkite only covered the Watergate scandal to help sell burglar alarms to liberals!

Matt Johnson sees life as a movie where heís the star-auteur, always performing, or thinking how to best frame himself for the imaginary audience, effectively treating the universe as a Matt Johnson Joint...Parlaying that modern disease into a self-aware school shooter, borrowing Catcher in the Rye from the school library 'cos itíll be funny,' is a genius move, especially when any would-be maniac is fully aware ó often, as a motive ó that infamy awaits, with 24 hour news using body-counts like a high score, and where any actual docu-footage would be ghoulishly judged on the Dutch camera angles and soundtrack choices.
Stuart Millard on The Dirties