He was very hard of hearing
He was dull and domineering
Misogynist, cantankerous and vain
But all that’s now forgotten once he took his final breath
Yes, even pricks turn into top blokes after death!
[...]
It's not how they live that counts, but how we rewrite the book
When it comes to truth, it's best to use restraint
It pays to throw away the facts and have a rose-coloured look
When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint!
[...]
Remember all will be forgotten once we take our final breeeeeeeeeath...
Yes, even pervert motherfuckers, even rampant child abusers, even local Baghdad looters, even baby bunny rooters,
Even reckless drunken drivers, even rodent sperm-imbibers, even violent poofter-bashers, even public penis-flashers,
EVEN ANNA BLOODY COREN
YES, EVEN SHE
Will be a top bloke after death!
"τὸν τεθνηκóτα μὴ κακολογεῖν" [tòn tethnēkóta mḕ kakologeîn] (Let only good be spoken of the dead). note
— Chilon of Sparta, one of the Seven Sages of Greece (circa 600 B.C.)
When someone dies thou shalt no longer be under obligation to cry saying 'he'll be missed' knowing good and well that he was an asshole.
— "Posdnuos, Thou Shalt Always Kill" (De La Soul version)
Death makes the worst of men instantly respectable, you know.
— Francis Cheviot, The Reluctant Widow by Georgette Heyer
You should never say bad things about the dead, only good. Joan Crawford is dead....good!
— Bette Davis (attributed)
Everyone now says he was a genius and brilliant and the greatest of all time, whatever, I was there. Back in 2001, Michael Jackson was treated as a ridiculous, pathetic freak of nature who hadn't done anything worthwhile in like twenty years. Yet now he's dead everyone's like: "Oh he was the greatest ever, meant so much to me". I bet you most to all of them were crapping on the guy just as much as anyone.
— Todd in the Shadows, "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm review
Newspaper: And thereby, our conclusion is that Councilman Hunzinker is a pin-headed old demagogue.
Opus: Excuse me, [Milo]... I thought you'd like to know that Councilman Hunzinker just kicked the bucket.
(Milo crosses out "is a pin-headed old demagogue" and rewrites:)
Newspaper: Hunzinker was a sharp-witted elder statesman.
Mako!? You mean that guy I made fun of in the TMNT review and got horribly ridiculed for it? [continues nervously] Well, I'm...uh... sure there'll be nothing wrong with his character in this movie... In fact, I'm sure that it will be absolutely delightful. With no flaws at all. [holds hand in prayer in the image of Mako while angelic chorus plays]''
— The Nostalgia Critic, Sidekicks review
"However you felt about the man, whatever your opinions are, I believe we, as a people, should make a rule that once you die… whatever derisive nickname that we used for you, it dies with you. So can we stop calling him 'Jacko' now? After you die, can a brother get a 'Mr. Jackson'?"
Yosuke: Hey guys, you'll never believe this. I just got back from the crime scene. The victim this time...it was King Moron.
Chie: Hey, um...I know he was a jerk 'n all but...now that he's dead...should we show some respect and actually call him Mr. Morooka?
Yukiko: No. I hope the worms eat his heart first.
"Seems kinda... Mean, I think, to talk down on someone who died like this? Even if [Levin] was kind of mean. Then again, I, uh, didn't really know the dude as well as you guys."
— Argentum, We Are Our Avatars
"I take no solace or joy in this man's passing. We will not dance upon his grave, nor stand vigil at his funeral holding "God Hates Freds" signs, tempting as it may be. He was a tormented soul, who tormented so many. Hate never wins out in the end. It instead goes always to its lonely, dusty end."
— George Takei on Fred Phelps Sr.'s death
Angie: Benny, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
Benny: You know what? When the dead runs out on you and leaves you with a two-year-old son to raise by yourself, I'll say whatever the hell I want about him.
— The George Lopez Show, "Mementos"
Why are the world's biggest sinners
Always saints when they're gone?
Always saints when they're gone?
— Accept, "The Curse"
"He served parliament and party for more than twenty years" is about all you can think of, but you stretch it out and make up a few virtuous anecdotes from whole cloth. It's probable that nobody believes you, but decorum demands that you remain unharangued.
Faye Whitaker: We should really amend his tombstone to "David Whitaker - Loving Husband, Devoted Father, Fucking Idiot."
Faye's Mom: You'll have to take that up with the cemetary caretakers. I wanted to put "He was God-damned Jackass who didn't deserve the wonderful family he had" but they felt it was too disrespectful.
Faye's Mom: You'll have to take that up with the cemetary caretakers. I wanted to put "He was God-damned Jackass who didn't deserve the wonderful family he had" but they felt it was too disrespectful.
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
— Linkin Park, "Leave Out All The Rest"
"Charles Xavier did more for mutants than you will ever know. My single greatest regret will be that he had to die for our dream to live."
— Magneto to Pyro, X-Men: The Last Stand
"Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was your time and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad. You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose."
— George Lass, Dead Like Me
"Look, respect for the dead is only a thing because the dead usually don't do any more damage."
— Jeff, Community
Sejanus: Well if he's profoundly loved, he's also profoundly dead. Everybody's loved when they're dead.
Livia: I wouldn't count on that if I were you.
Livia: I wouldn't count on that if I were you.
But part of the service is giving a sense that maybe its not too late to show some kindness or some heart, right, even if you never did give a fig for the dead while they was still alive, or if they never gave a fig for you, because let's face it, as great a proportion of the dead are arseholes as the living. It stands to reason, although you won't find many funerals begin with "he was a total pain in the neck and only half as clever as he thought, so let's put him in the ground and have a pint, and good riddance." I've always thought that would have a certain charm, myself.
—Billy Friend, Angelmaker
Imagine yourself in his position. It's not as if you're reading an obituary. Nearly everyone present liked you to a greater or lesser extent, some loved you. But at such a gathering as this, even the ones who hated your guts (and we'll go into this later because there were many who hated Nick) wouldn't dare to speak out. Well, it just wasn't going to happen. Just as it isn't going to happen to you. When you stand at the back, when it's your turn at the pyre or the big hole, nobody is going to say horrible things about you. People are pretty decent on this score, or at any rate too cowardly to break with the narrative conventions of funeral orations.
—The Golden Age Of Censorship, by Paul Hoffman
Moe: Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
Shemp: Do I? Why, that old tightwad, he'd steal flies from a blind spider!
Moe: But Shemp, he's...
Shemp: He's a louse and a weasel!
Moe: Yeah? Well, he just died and left you five hundred thousand bucks!
Shemp: Just like that old skinflint. (suddenly overcome with shock) Five hundred thousand bucks?! (whines, on the verge of tears) Poor old Uncle Caleb... like I was saying, he was a swell guy! He'd give you the shirt off his back and throw in the buttons, too!
"I seem to lack the skills required to grieve for the dead. If someone has passed, even someone dear to me, I could stand about and wail or get on with my life. While I'm at it, that whole idea that we must speak well of the dead? I don't understand that either. If I didn't like them when they were alive, then why pretend to do so when they are no longer here?"
— Linhardt, Fire Emblem: Three Houses
“It seems odd to be coming even this close to criticizing my wife, with her lying dead in front of me. Isn’t this the time for glorifying her and claiming she never did anything wrong in her entire life? Isn’t this when she gets to be perfect?”
— Alexander Healy, InCryptid “Halfway Through the Wood”
"Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground."
Livia: Johnny was a saint.
Carmela: Yes, we have heard. Funny, though, I don't remember you telling him that when he was alive!
Carmela: Yes, we have heard. Funny, though, I don't remember you telling him that when he was alive!
—The Sopranos, "Nobody Knows Anything"
