Quotes / Never Speak Ill of the Dead

He was very hard of hearing
He was dull and domineering
Misogynist, cantankerous and vain
But all that’s now forgotten once he took his final breath
Yes, even pricks turn into top blokes after death!
It's not how they live that counts, but how we rewrite the book
When it comes to truth, it's best to use restraint
It pays to throw away the facts and have a rose-coloured look
When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint!
Remember all will be forgotten once we take our final breeeeeeeeeath...
Yes, even pervert motherfuckers, even rampant child abusers, even local Baghdad looters, even baby bunny rooters,
Even reckless drunken drivers, even rodent sperm-imbibers, even violent poofter-bashers, even public penis-flashers,
Will be a top bloke after death!

"τὸν τεθνηκóτα μὴ κακολογεῖν" [tòn tethnēkóta mḕ kakologeîn] (Let only good be spoken of the dead). note 
Chilon of Sparta, one of the Seven Sages of Greece (circa 600 B.C.)

When someone dies thou shalt no longer be under obligation to cry saying 'he'll be missed' knowing good and well that he was an asshole.
— "Posdnuos, Thou Shalt Always Kill" (De La Soul version)

Death makes the worst of men instantly respectable, you know.
Francis Cheviot, The Reluctant Widow by Georgette Heyer

I was told only to speak good of the dead, Joan Crawford is dead....good!
Bette Davis (attributed)

Everyone now says he was a genius and brilliant and the greatest of all time, whatever, I was there. Back in 2001, Michael Jackson was treated as a ridiculous, pathetic freak of nature who hadn't done anything worthwhile in like twenty years. Yet now he's dead everyone's like: "Oh he was the greatest ever, meant so much to me". I bet you most to all of them were crapping on the guy just as much as anyone.
Todd in the Shadows, "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm review

Newspaper: And thereby, our conclusion is that Councilman Hunzinker is a pin-headed old demagogue.
Opus: Excuse me, [Milo]... I thought you'd like to know that Councilman Hunzinker just kicked the bucket.
(Milo crosses out "is a pin-headed old demagogue" and rewrites:)
Newspaper: Hunzinker was a sharp-witted elder statesman.

Mako!? You mean that guy I made fun of in the TMNT review and got horribly ridiculed for it? [continues nervously] Well, I'm...uh... sure there'll be nothing wrong with his character in this movie... In fact, I'm sure that it will be absolutely delightful. With no flaws at all. [holds hand in prayer in the image of Mako while angelic chorus plays]

"However you felt about the man, whatever your opinions are, I believe we, as a people, should make a rule that once you die… whatever derisive nickname that we used for you, it dies with you. So can we stop calling him 'Jacko' now? After you die, can a brother get a 'Mr. Jackson'?"

Yosuke: Hey guys, you'll never believe this. I just got back from the crime scene. The victim this time...it was King Moron.
Chie: Hey, um...I know he was a jerk 'n all but...now that he's dead...should we show some respect and actually call him Mr. Morooka?
Yukiko: No. I hope the worms eat his heart first.

"Seems kinda... Mean, I think, to talk down on someone who died like this? Even if [Levin] was kind of mean. Then again, I, uh, didn't really know the dude as well as you guys."
Argentum, We Are Our Avatars

"I take no solace or joy in this man's passing. We will not dance upon his grave, nor stand vigil at his funeral holding "God Hates Freds" signs, tempting as it may be. He was a tormented soul, who tormented so many. Hate never wins out in the end. It instead goes always to its lonely, dusty end."
George Takei on Fred Phelps Sr.'s death

Angie: Benny, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
Benny: You know what? When the dead runs out on you and leaves you with a two-year-old son to raise by yourself, I'll say whatever the hell I want about him.
The George Lopez Show, "Mementos"

Why are the world's biggest sinners
Always saints when they're gone?
Accept, "The Curse"

"He served parliament and party for more than twenty years" is about all you can think of, but you stretch it out and make up a few virtuous anecdotes from whole cloth. It's probable that nobody believes you, but decorum demands that you remain unharangued.

Faye Whitaker: We should really amend his tombstone to "David Whitaker - Loving Husband, Devoted Father, Fucking Idiot."
Faye's Mom: You'll have to take that up with the cemetary caretakers. I wanted to put "He was God-damned Jackass who didn't deserve the wonderful family he had" but they felt it was too disrespectful.

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Linkin Park, "Leave Out All The Rest"

"Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was your time and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad. You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose."
George Lass, Dead Like Me

"Look, respect for the dead is only a thing because the dead usually don't do any more damage."
Jeff, Community