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Strips # 1 - 1000
Sam: With an engineer on board, we may finally get our starship flying again.
Helix: We almost got it flying last month.
Sam: Yes. It's a shame the parade committee made us give their balloons back.
Helix: We almost got it flying last month.
Sam: Yes. It's a shame the parade committee made us give their balloons back.
— Strip #1
Sam: You're the only Bowman's Wolf I've seen. Are there a lot of you?
Florence: No. Including myself, there's just 14 of us.
Sam: 14? That's not very many.
Florence: Tell me about it. Our gene pool's so shallow, it doesn't even have a wading section.
Florence: No. Including myself, there's just 14 of us.
Sam: 14? That's not very many.
Florence: Tell me about it. Our gene pool's so shallow, it doesn't even have a wading section.
Sam: Florence can't eat ice cream! That's our entire food supply. I thought everyone liked "Quark" ice cream. I've got all three colors in all six flavors.
Helix: Poor Flo. She must be hungry. You know, we used to have rats on this ship, but I haven't seen one in days.
Sam: Helix, I don't even want to put that two plus two together.
Helix: Poor Flo. She must be hungry. You know, we used to have rats on this ship, but I haven't seen one in days.
Sam: Helix, I don't even want to put that two plus two together.
Helix: Can I drive?
Sam: No. Not after what happened last time.
Helix: I promise I'll be more careful.
Sam: Helix, you destroyed six city blocks!
Helix: *sulkily* Like you haven't.
Sam: That was completely different! I had my turn signal on!
Sam: No. Not after what happened last time.
Helix: I promise I'll be more careful.
Sam: Helix, you destroyed six city blocks!
Helix: *sulkily* Like you haven't.
Sam: That was completely different! I had my turn signal on!
Beware the happy man with power tools.
— Florence, Strip #35
Sam: Before we go, has everyone taken care of business?
Helix: Oooh. Right. Thanks for reminding me. *runs off*
Florence: Sam, do I even want to know why a robot needs to use the bathroom?
Sam: Uhm, no. I don't think you do.
Helix: Oooh. Right. Thanks for reminding me. *runs off*
Florence: Sam, do I even want to know why a robot needs to use the bathroom?
Sam: Uhm, no. I don't think you do.
When in trouble, / when in doubt, / run in circles, / scream and shout!
— Sam and Helix, Strip #47
Florence: We're not going to get anywhere if all you do is stand here screaming.
Helix: I'm going to keep screaming and you can't stop me.
Florence: *opens Helix's service panel and pulls out a chip*
Sam: That won't stop me. I don't have a sound card you can take.
Florence: You have other parts I can pull out just as easily, though they may be more difficult to put back.
Sam: *thinking* Silence would seem to be the best reply.
Helix: I'm going to keep screaming and you can't stop me.
Florence: *opens Helix's service panel and pulls out a chip*
Sam: That won't stop me. I don't have a sound card you can take.
Florence: You have other parts I can pull out just as easily, though they may be more difficult to put back.
Sam: *thinking* Silence would seem to be the best reply.
Florence: Everything carries some risk.
Sam: Everything?
Florence: Everything.
Sam: I have a sudden urge to become a lawyer.
Sam: Everything?
Florence: Everything.
Sam: I have a sudden urge to become a lawyer.
Sam: Bottom line. How safe is a .2 millirem dose [of radiation]?
Florence: It's safer than driving with you across town.
Helix: Florence, standing in a burning building while blind circus midgets throw knives at you is safer than driving across town with Sam.
Florence: You're right. Bad example.
Florence: It's safer than driving with you across town.
Helix: Florence, standing in a burning building while blind circus midgets throw knives at you is safer than driving across town with Sam.
Florence: You're right. Bad example.
Sam: Why didn't the government just say how much they actually released?
Florence: Historical evidence suggests they were poopheads.
Florence: Historical evidence suggests they were poopheads.
Florence: Sam! Are you hurt?
Sam: No, but I hear hissing. I hope it's a snake.
Helix: A snake? Sam hates snakes!
Florence: Believe me, Helix. When you wear an environment suit and you hear hissing, you hope it's a snake.
Sam: No, but I hear hissing. I hope it's a snake.
Helix: A snake? Sam hates snakes!
Florence: Believe me, Helix. When you wear an environment suit and you hear hissing, you hope it's a snake.
Sam: I see that wolves, unlike cats, do not land on their feet.
Florence: I did land on my feet. I just didn't stay there very long.
Florence: I did land on my feet. I just didn't stay there very long.
Florence: Your helmet, that's not what you really look like, is it?
Sam: Immigration insisted I don't show my real face. Apparently my race triggers a nurturing response in humans. They would take one look at me and immediately begin to regurgitate their last meal for me.
Florence: I can see where that would be a problem.
Sam: I mean, how do you politely say "No" to something like that?
Sam: Immigration insisted I don't show my real face. Apparently my race triggers a nurturing response in humans. They would take one look at me and immediately begin to regurgitate their last meal for me.
Florence: I can see where that would be a problem.
Sam: I mean, how do you politely say "No" to something like that?
Florence: Doesn't having such a simplified face cause people to underestimate you?
Sam: Hey, no one's been able to underestimate me yet!
Sam: Hey, no one's been able to underestimate me yet!
Sam: I am the greatest liar this world has ever seen.
Helix: When you say you're a liar, how do I know you're telling the truth?
Sam: You'll just have to trust me.
Helix: When you say you're a liar, how do I know you're telling the truth?
Sam: You'll just have to trust me.
Sam: Let's go. Where's Florence?
Helix: She went to get more tie downs.
Sam: *checks truck bed* This is good enough. Why does she want more tie downs?
Helix: Sam, she's seen you drive.
[Florence comes back]
Florence: I found some fifty ton test cable. If we double it up, it should be strong enough.
Helix: She went to get more tie downs.
Sam: *checks truck bed* This is good enough. Why does she want more tie downs?
Helix: Sam, she's seen you drive.
[Florence comes back]
Florence: I found some fifty ton test cable. If we double it up, it should be strong enough.
Sam: It's weird, Helix. I've never had anyone this dedicated to me before.
Helix: Hey, what about me?!
Sam: I mean someone smart enough to know better.
Helix: *cheerfully* Oh. All right then.
Helix: Hey, what about me?!
Sam: I mean someone smart enough to know better.
Helix: *cheerfully* Oh. All right then.
Helix: Sam! Look! I found a "Jet Assist Take Off" rocket! We'll get home a lot faster using this on our truck.
Sam: Helix, do you have any idea how dangerous that would be?
Helix: No.
Sam: Good. Neither do I. Let's strap this baby on!
Sam: Helix, do you have any idea how dangerous that would be?
Helix: No.
Sam: Good. Neither do I. Let's strap this baby on!
Sam: I feel the need.
Helix: The need for speed?
Sam: No, it's more like the need for clean underwear.
Helix: The need for speed?
Sam: No, it's more like the need for clean underwear.
Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. You're in a truck, about 500 meters in the air, with a JATO rocket duct-taped to the undercarriage.
Sam, if this was anyone but you, I'd swear this was a prank call.
Sam, if this was anyone but you, I'd swear this was a prank call.
— Emergency Rescue Services Worker, Strip #110
Supervisor: All right, people, we have a situation here. What are our options?
ERS Worker: Option one: Do nothing and let Sam smear himself across the landscape in a blazing fireball.
[Beat]
Supervisor: I LIKE that option!
ERS Worker: So do I, but it would be bad for public relations. Okay, option two...
ERS Worker: Option one: Do nothing and let Sam smear himself across the landscape in a blazing fireball.
[Beat]
Supervisor: I LIKE that option!
ERS Worker: So do I, but it would be bad for public relations. Okay, option two...
Ethics. Of all the flaws for a crew member to have, why did it have to be ethics?
— Sam, on Florence, Strip #122
Sam: Florence is so negative. She acts like debt is a bad thing. There's an old quote. "When a man owes you a hundred dollars, you have power over him. When a man owes you a million dollars, he has power over you."
Helix: We could set city policy.
Sam: Heck, with our debt load, we could set galactic policy.
Helix: We could set city policy.
Sam: Heck, with our debt load, we could set galactic policy.
Helix: Do you want anything in your coffee?
Florence: A little blood would be nice.
Helix: Blood?
Florence: I am a carnivore, after all.
Helix: We've got non-dairy creamer.
Florence: Please, Helix. Let's not be gross.
Florence: A little blood would be nice.
Helix: Blood?
Florence: I am a carnivore, after all.
Helix: We've got non-dairy creamer.
Florence: Please, Helix. Let's not be gross.
Sam: I don't know why the police keep stopping me. There's no reason for it. The last ten times they pulled me over, how often was I doing something illegal?
Helix: Ten times.
Sam: I still say statistics are a poor excuse to stop anyone.
Helix: Ten times.
Sam: I still say statistics are a poor excuse to stop anyone.
Florence: Helix, why are you acting like this? What's wrong
Helix: Before you got here, Sam and I always watched T.V. together.
Florence: You think I'm getting between you two?
Helix: That's part of it.
Florence: And the other part?
Helix: We're repairing the coolant loop of a nuclear fusion reactor. This is women's work!
Florence: Repairing a reactor is woman's work?
Helix: Yep. Sam told me so.
Florence: Really? What else does he consider woman's work?
Helix: Basically everything except for eating, fishing, and driving.
Florence: How convenient for Sam.
Helix: Before you came, it was "Robot's work".
Helix: Before you got here, Sam and I always watched T.V. together.
Florence: You think I'm getting between you two?
Helix: That's part of it.
Florence: And the other part?
Helix: We're repairing the coolant loop of a nuclear fusion reactor. This is women's work!
Florence: Repairing a reactor is woman's work?
Helix: Yep. Sam told me so.
Florence: Really? What else does he consider woman's work?
Helix: Basically everything except for eating, fishing, and driving.
Florence: How convenient for Sam.
Helix: Before you came, it was "Robot's work".
You know you've over explained something when you make a robot's eyes go glassy.
— Florence, Strip #164
Helix: So, what is the minimum safe distance for ignorance?
Florence: You know, I'm not really sure.
Florence: You know, I'm not really sure.
Sam: [thinking] So Florence is hungry. It's not my fault. I'm sure she'll find something to eat when Helix's not around.
Florence [singsonging]: [giant carnivore grin] Sam, did you know that you walk with a slight limp?
[scene cut]
Helix: We're going to a restaurant and you're paying? What did Florence say to you?
Sam: Let's just say her concerns about my health suddenly became my concerns about my health.
Florence [singsonging]: [giant carnivore grin] Sam, did you know that you walk with a slight limp?
[scene cut]
Helix: We're going to a restaurant and you're paying? What did Florence say to you?
Sam: Let's just say her concerns about my health suddenly became my concerns about my health.
Helix: You look nice.
Florence: Thank you, Helix.
Helix: Oh, no need to thank me. My self preservation routine prompts me to say that whenever I see a known female in a new outfit.
Florence: [thinking] I did not need to know that.
Helix: It's evolution in action. Robots who give their honest opinion tend not to survive.
Florence: Okay, let's give your self preservation routine a real test. "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Helix: AAIIEEEE! [flees]
Florence: [thinking] Screaming and running away. Not bad. I've met humans with far worse survival responses.
Florence: Thank you, Helix.
Helix: Oh, no need to thank me. My self preservation routine prompts me to say that whenever I see a known female in a new outfit.
Florence: [thinking] I did not need to know that.
Helix: It's evolution in action. Robots who give their honest opinion tend not to survive.
Florence: Okay, let's give your self preservation routine a real test. "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Helix: AAIIEEEE! [flees]
Florence: [thinking] Screaming and running away. Not bad. I've met humans with far worse survival responses.
Sam: What did you do to this truck?
Florence: The super-conductive motors and power torus had a lot of quench points I took them out and cryo-treated them. The rest was just minor work. Replacing seals, calibrating sensors, and fixing some problems in the optical communication harness. It's fun to work on these old vehicles. You don't need a lot of specialized equipment like you do on the new ones.
Florence: The super-conductive motors and power torus had a lot of quench points I took them out and cryo-treated them. The rest was just minor work. Replacing seals, calibrating sensors, and fixing some problems in the optical communication harness. It's fun to work on these old vehicles. You don't need a lot of specialized equipment like you do on the new ones.
Sam: How does a super-conductor work?
Florence: Oh, it's really simple. Electrons are half integer spin particles. In a superconductor, you get a pair of electrons to act as a single particle with integer spin properties. This electron pair now operates by the Bose-Einstein statistical model instead of the Fermi-Dirac statistical model and is no longer affected by the exclusion principle.
Sam: [thinking] I learned something new. Any time Florence says "It's really simple", I'm not going to understand a word of it.
Florence: Oh, it's really simple. Electrons are half integer spin particles. In a superconductor, you get a pair of electrons to act as a single particle with integer spin properties. This electron pair now operates by the Bose-Einstein statistical model instead of the Fermi-Dirac statistical model and is no longer affected by the exclusion principle.
Sam: [thinking] I learned something new. Any time Florence says "It's really simple", I'm not going to understand a word of it.
Helix: I didn't think you were going to cook the meat.
Florence: It's safer with wild deer to clean and cook the meat thoroughly. It's very easy for a body to pick up parasites.
Helix: Even political bodies?
Florence: Especially political bodies. In those, the mass of the parasites often outweighs the mass of the host.
Florence: It's safer with wild deer to clean and cook the meat thoroughly. It's very easy for a body to pick up parasites.
Helix: Even political bodies?
Florence: Especially political bodies. In those, the mass of the parasites often outweighs the mass of the host.
Three bits of advice. Never talk about food with a carnivore. Never get sick in a space suit. And most important, never occupy the [bathroom] stall needed by a guy being sick in a space suit!
— Sam, Strip #238
When someone who's covered with blood and carrying a knife asks me politely, I'll usually say "yes".
— Sam, Strip #248
In a way, meat is like government money. People like getting it, but they don't like thinking about where it actually comes from.
— Florence, Strip #253
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Barry Gehm
Barry Gehm
Any technology, no matter how primitive, is magic to those who don't understand it.
Florence Ambrose
Florence Ambrose
— Graffiti Wall, Strip #255
Sam: (in the pilot seat) I want to get in the air as soon as possible.
Helix: I know what to do! I know what to do! Press that button!
(Sam presses said button... which activates his Ejector Seat)
Helix: I know what to do! I know what to do! Press that button!
(Sam presses said button... which activates his Ejector Seat)
Sam: You mean they know we're coming?
Florence: That is the point of filing a flight plan.
Sam: [thinking] My only hope is that no one on duty knows me.
Florence: That is the point of filing a flight plan.
Sam: [thinking] My only hope is that no one on duty knows me.
Spaceport Worker 1: Why aren't we shooting at them?
Spaceport Worker 2: Budget interlock. The computer recognizes Sam and won't let us shoot a missile that's worth more than the predicted value of his ship.
Spaceport Worker 1: So what are we supposed to do? Take him down with rubber bands and paperclips?
Spaceport Worker 2: Still too expensive. The computer will only authorize up to spit wads.
Spaceport Worker 2: Budget interlock. The computer recognizes Sam and won't let us shoot a missile that's worth more than the predicted value of his ship.
Spaceport Worker 1: So what are we supposed to do? Take him down with rubber bands and paperclips?
Spaceport Worker 2: Still too expensive. The computer will only authorize up to spit wads.
Helix: What's that?
Florence: This? I added a side handle onto a flashlight so I could hold it in my mouth. This way it keeps my hands free and the flashlight is always pointed in the direction I'm looking. So, what do you think?
Helix: I think that I've never seen anything so stupid and so practical in all my life.
Florence: This? I added a side handle onto a flashlight so I could hold it in my mouth. This way it keeps my hands free and the flashlight is always pointed in the direction I'm looking. So, what do you think?
Helix: I think that I've never seen anything so stupid and so practical in all my life.
Less than an hour in command and already I'm having my first mutiny. When starship captains are remembered, I bet I'm going to be legendary.
— Sam, Strip #331
This battle would be much more intense if both sides weren't trying to lose.
— Sam, Strip #332
I'd ask what else could go wrong, but I think I've got quite enough happening as it is, thank you.
— Florence, Strip #348
Veterinarian: Taking pressure off the wound. Oh, man. Look at that. You've definitely cut something major. I've got to get this clamped or you're not going to last five minutes. The vein edges don't look too ragged. I may be able to seal this.
Florence: [thinking] Using a soothing tone of voice doesn't help much if the patient understands what you're saying.
Veterinarian: Now where did I leave that hot glue gun?
Florence: [thinking] Using a soothing tone of voice doesn't help much if the patient understands what you're saying.
Veterinarian: Now where did I leave that hot glue gun?
Her body temperature is 31 degrees*. At first I was worried the thermometer was broken. Now I'm worried because it's not.
— Veterinarian, Strip #363
Biologically speaking, being too cold to shiver ranks right up there with being too tired to sleep.
— Florence, Strip #365
I actually like lawyers. It's nice that humans have a subspecies that makes me look good by comparison.
— Sam, Strip #372
Dvorak: What sort of devious master plan do you think Sam has?
Sawtooth: Hard to say. He may not even have a plan. But by making us think he has one, we'll try to figure out what he's up to and come up with a devious master plan for him. Which, I must admit, really is a pretty devious master plan.
Dvorak: I bet you're right. Sam knows we're smarter than he is. This has a very easy solution. All we have to do is not think of a devious master plan for Sam.
Qwerty: DOH!
Dvorak: You didn't.
Qwerty: Oh, come on! It's like being told not to think of a rhinoceros with a teacup.
Sawtooth: Hard to say. He may not even have a plan. But by making us think he has one, we'll try to figure out what he's up to and come up with a devious master plan for him. Which, I must admit, really is a pretty devious master plan.
Dvorak: I bet you're right. Sam knows we're smarter than he is. This has a very easy solution. All we have to do is not think of a devious master plan for Sam.
Qwerty: DOH!
Dvorak: You didn't.
Qwerty: Oh, come on! It's like being told not to think of a rhinoceros with a teacup.
Sawtooth: Have you ever considered becoming a criminal mastermind?
Qwerty: Never seriously, but I did complete the correspondence course.
Qwerty: Never seriously, but I did complete the correspondence course.
Vet: How smart are you? Are you as smart as a human?
Florence: Oh, no. Not at all. I've read the works of Feynman, Newton, and Einstein. Take someone like John von Neumann. He not only realized you could take programming out of hardware, he came up with the rules of how to do it in a single afternoon. Nothing my species has done comes close to that.
Vet: [thinking] She's right. She's not as smart as a human. She is smart enough to make sure any human who asks knows it.
Florence: Oh, no. Not at all. I've read the works of Feynman, Newton, and Einstein. Take someone like John von Neumann. He not only realized you could take programming out of hardware, he came up with the rules of how to do it in a single afternoon. Nothing my species has done comes close to that.
Vet: [thinking] She's right. She's not as smart as a human. She is smart enough to make sure any human who asks knows it.
Vet: Did you want something to eat?
Florence: No thanks. I'm not hungry. What I would like is to know your name.
Vet: I never told you? Sorry. I'm Winston Scudder Thurmad. That's all that's needed, right? No sniffing involved?
Florence: That's fine. No offense, but it makes me nervous when a human starts sniffing at me.
Florence: No thanks. I'm not hungry. What I would like is to know your name.
Vet: I never told you? Sorry. I'm Winston Scudder Thurmad. That's all that's needed, right? No sniffing involved?
Florence: That's fine. No offense, but it makes me nervous when a human starts sniffing at me.
It's questionable for a doctor to get involved with one of his patients. For a vet, it's right out.
— Vet, Strip #465
Humans are amazingly strong for their size. The one time I tried mugging one, that girl had me face down and crying "uncle" in less than ten seconds. Then she took her candy back, got on her tricycle, and went and told her mom on me.
— Sam, Strip #479
This is the first hurricane I've been in where the hurricane is the least interesting thing that's happened.
— Vet, Strip #496
Vet: [Florence will] sleep a lot the next few days. Then, when she's rebuilt enough blood for digestion, you're going to have one very hungry wolf on your hands.
Sam: So what you're saying is that in two or three days, I'm going to have a highly intelligent, fast moving, starving, carnivorous alien life form on my ship.
Vet: Yep. Wolves are also most active at dawn and dusk, so this will probably happen while you're asleep.
Sam: So what you're saying is that in two or three days, I'm going to have a highly intelligent, fast moving, starving, carnivorous alien life form on my ship.
Vet: Yep. Wolves are also most active at dawn and dusk, so this will probably happen while you're asleep.
Sam: If we've got money, we've got to spend it.
Florence: Sam, there are better models to use for budgeting than that of the United States Congress.
Florence: Sam, there are better models to use for budgeting than that of the United States Congress.
Helix: Was that a good decision?
Sam: It's the decision I would have made.
Helix: Ouch. You'd think they'd have safeguards against that.
Sam: It's the decision I would have made.
Helix: Ouch. You'd think they'd have safeguards against that.
This is ridiculous, having to go half a kilometer each way to get to a bathroom. I hope I can find a contractor. With their help, I can get the ship's potable water and recycling systems running. It's something a plumber could do, but I'll try to get a nuclear qualified structural mechanic. They charge less per hour.
— Florence, Strip #539
Naomi: Wow. We meet what is probably the only bipedal talking dog on the planet, and the moment you have her last name, you're able to identify her. That is so impressive!
Tangent: Robots are getting better at that sort of thing. It's expected that one day, we'll even be able to recognize sarcasm.
Tangent: Robots are getting better at that sort of thing. It's expected that one day, we'll even be able to recognize sarcasm.
I need to show Sam how to repair things properly. His first instinct is still to reach for a roll of [duct tape]. I just hope I'm not too late. Power corrupts, but the power of duct tape corrupts absolutely.
— Florence, Strip #575
Some men get so nervous if a lady shows up at the restaurant with a box of explosives.
— Florence, Strip #576
Sam: Do people who live here buy a lot of bibles?
Bible Salesman: The people I sell to aren't numbered among the living.
[Beat]
Sam: I'm no expert on human religions, but isn't that a little late?
Bible Salesman: I'm talking about robots, numbskull. Assuming you have a skull, that is.
Bible Salesman: The people I sell to aren't numbered among the living.
[Beat]
Sam: I'm no expert on human religions, but isn't that a little late?
Bible Salesman: I'm talking about robots, numbskull. Assuming you have a skull, that is.
Hazel: Mommy! Mommy! I found a head! Can I keep it?
Niomi: No, you can't keep it. Now go and give it back to the gentlebot who lost it.
Hazel: He didn't say "thank you", Mommy.
Niomi: Don't worry about it, dear. Some people don't know how to be polite after they've been decapitated.
Niomi: No, you can't keep it. Now go and give it back to the gentlebot who lost it.
Hazel: He didn't say "thank you", Mommy.
Niomi: Don't worry about it, dear. Some people don't know how to be polite after they've been decapitated.
Just because I don't know why I do something doesn't mean there isn't a good reason for it.
— Niomi, Strip #696
Niomi: Great! You just gave an engineer a problem that can't be solved with duct tape. Now we're going to be stuck here all day.
Triac: There are problems that can't be solved with duct tape?
Triac: There are problems that can't be solved with duct tape?
Most things make sense when you look at them right. It's just that sometimes you have to look really, really, cockeyed.
— Florence, Strip #710
Niomi: Heavy construction equipment is so cute when it's trying to be subtle.
Sawtooth: I make river ways. I know how to be subtle. That's when I use chemical explosives instead of nuclear.
Sawtooth: I make river ways. I know how to be subtle. That's when I use chemical explosives instead of nuclear.
So far, neither the government nor the media is involved, so we still have a chance of coming up with a workable solution.
— Florence, Strip #718
Oh, hush, or I'm not going to let you alter social structures on a planetary scale with me any more.
— Florence, Strip #721
Sam: Helix, we're just going to talk. There's no need to bring the stick.
Helix: But you're better at talking than I am. When you talk, sometimes I get confused. My ideas of what's right and wrong get mixed up. That's why I'm bringing this. As soon as I start thinking it's all right to steal from our employees, I'm going to start hitting you with the stick.
Sam: It's reasoning like that why you're not allowed on corporate boardrooms anymore.
The way to get privacy isn't to hide in a room. People wonder what you're up to them. No, the real way to get privacy is to be easily seen, but doing something that makes people not want to approach you.
— Sam, Strip #751
Florence is good at keeping things civilized, because she makes it so clear what will happen if things get uncivilized.
— Helix, Strip #765
Florence: What is that noise? It sounds like a squid screaming.
Helix: Oh, that's the captain. You can tell because it sounds like a little girl squid.
Helix: Oh, that's the captain. You can tell because it sounds like a little girl squid.
It's a sad day when even your best enemies won't help overthrow you.
— Sam, Strip #780
This is very much like becoming aware you're in the path of a freight train after it's already run over your foot.
— Sam, Strip #790
Good afternoon, sir. The spaceport computer informs me that you are my inspector. I am 1071-CCN, standing by for inspection.
Standing by. I would like to say I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in this inspection. ..... Still standing by.
Sir, might I suggest your time could be better utilized by inspecting my rear end instead of the engineer's?
Standing by. I would like to say I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in this inspection. ..... Still standing by.
Sir, might I suggest your time could be better utilized by inspecting my rear end instead of the engineer's?
— Ship's Computer, Strip #795
Florence: This is the first time I've repaired a ship with this much damage. I need another knowledgeable person to check my work. To make sure I haven't missed anything.
Inspector: You want me to find if you've made a mistake?
Florence: Definitely. If I've missed anything and we don't find it, Mother Nature will, and she's very unforgiving of engineering shortcomings.
Inspector: You want me to find if you've made a mistake?
Florence: Definitely. If I've missed anything and we don't find it, Mother Nature will, and she's very unforgiving of engineering shortcomings.
Something's funny about all this. Okay, Occam's Razor states that the simplest solution is the most likely. So what are the facts?
The ship's been properly repaired and documented. There's no con games going on. Sam is nowhere to be seen. And the creature showing me about is obviously some type of large carnivore.
Sometimes Occam's Razor leads to very disturbing conclusions.
The ship's been properly repaired and documented. There's no con games going on. Sam is nowhere to be seen. And the creature showing me about is obviously some type of large carnivore.
Sometimes Occam's Razor leads to very disturbing conclusions.
— Inspector, Strip #804
It never fails. You're doing an autopsy and the moment you crack open the brain casing, the phone rings.
— Winston, Strip #846
While it may seem counter intuitive, dismembering your employer can actually prevent you from collecting severance pay.
— Florence, Strip #849
People tend to worry if a wolf walks in while they're eating. They worry a lot less if that same wolf is wearing an evening gown.
— Florence, Strip #854
It's not like this is the first time I've had to negotiate with someone I've stolen from while duct taped to a chair.
— Sam, Strip #930
Nothing ruins righteous anger quite so fast as finding out you're the one who's wrong.
— Sam, Strip #937
This is what being a great leader is all about. The ability to quickly make bold decisions when you have no idea what the other person is talking about.
— Sam, Strip #956
Sam: [Turning pirate] will be easy. Humans don't arm their ships. We could take one over with a pea shooter.
Helix: I don't have a mouth, so I'll use a slingshot.
Sam: That's a figure of speech. When we actually board a ship, you'll have a...
Helix: Pow! Pow! Take that, randomly placed barrel of high explosives! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Sam: We'll get you a slingshot.
Helix: I don't have a mouth, so I'll use a slingshot.
Sam: That's a figure of speech. When we actually board a ship, you'll have a...
Helix: Pow! Pow! Take that, randomly placed barrel of high explosives! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Sam: We'll get you a slingshot.
No, you did not surprise me. My plans to scream like a little girl when I reached the kitchen were made hours ago. It's pure coincidence you happened to be here at the time.
— Sam, Strip #971
The suit has a single opening in the back. The cosmonaut gets in, life support pack goes on, and you're ready to go. It's a solid, simple, Russian design. No bells. Only whistles. If you hear a whistle, it means your suit's leaking. Get back inside.
— Florence, Strip #981
Sam: I have to worry about conserving air now?
Florence: There are a few things you don't want to run out of on a space ship. Air is one of the biggies.
Florence: There are a few things you don't want to run out of on a space ship. Air is one of the biggies.
A song's just not a song without a squid singing a cappella.
— Sam, Strip #995
Strips # 1001 - 2000
I know this much about fashion. When a dog's embarrassed to be seen with you, it's time to change clothes.
— Winston, Strip #1075
Waiter: That man does not look anything like a ninja.
Chef: Ah, but that is exactly what a ninja should look like.
Chef: Ah, but that is exactly what a ninja should look like.
The ultimate compliment to ninja craftsmanship. To see what has been done and swear that it could not be possible.
— Henri, Strip #1093
Sam: Hey! It's a diorama showing the first human landing on my planet. What an awesome moment! For centuries, humans had been searching for another intelligent, tool using race. Then they found us. I still remember that cosmonaut's first immortal words.
Helix: "Let's keep looking."
Sam: Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Helix: "Let's keep looking."
Sam: Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
If I was ever curious to know what a snoring squid sounds like, now I know.
— Florence, Strip #1183
Florence: Where do you want to be in five years?
Sam: Where do I want to be or where do I expect to be?
Florence: Is there a difference?
Sam: One involves beaches and tropical drinks, the other involves screaming and running for my life.
Sam: Where do I want to be or where do I expect to be?
Florence: Is there a difference?
Sam: One involves beaches and tropical drinks, the other involves screaming and running for my life.
Florence: Sam, how did you get here? Human scout ship, obviously. But they don't take passengers from the locals.
Sam: I was... unexpected. The landing craft they used was pitiful as far as security goes. I went on board to see if there was anything... interesting. What got me is that you guys have a low oxygen atmosphere. I started feeling sleepy and found a place to rest. Next thing I know, I wake up here with a bunch of scientists staring at me.
Florence: That must have been quite a shock.
Sam: It was, but they tell me with therapy, the humans involved are expected to make a full recovery.
Sam: I was... unexpected. The landing craft they used was pitiful as far as security goes. I went on board to see if there was anything... interesting. What got me is that you guys have a low oxygen atmosphere. I started feeling sleepy and found a place to rest. Next thing I know, I wake up here with a bunch of scientists staring at me.
Florence: That must have been quite a shock.
Sam: It was, but they tell me with therapy, the humans involved are expected to make a full recovery.
Florence: So, what deeds make someone a legend to your people?
Sam: Mostly things that would get me arrested here.
Sam: Mostly things that would get me arrested here.
I never just derail a train of thought. I make wrecks that catch the cars on fire.
— Sam, Strip #1242
You're accepting responsibility without the rights. You should be like me and get to exercise the rights without responsibility.
— Sam, to Florence, Strip #1243
Hey, I'm trying to make an argument against change here. Stop undercutting me with logic.
— Sam, Strip #1257
Helix, if you only go where you're told you can go, you miss half of what life has to offer.
— Sam, Strip #1260
This is... like joining a chess game half way through. One where all the pieces have volition and their own ideas on how they're supposed to move.
— Florence, Strip #1333
Helix: Humans might consider another mission to your planet if they knew how many Earth Species find you delicious.
Sam: When dealing with a technologically superior race, not something you want on the bargaining table.
Qwerty: How much power do you get with that [solar panel]?
Dvorak: Very little. It helps me keep things in perspective. On Earth, there are trees over a hundred meters tall. They grow using only the tiny trickle of energy they get from the sun.
Qwerty: Still no success adapting them for nuclear power?
Dvorak: It's frustrating! If I could do it, we'd have redwood forests here in a week!
Qwerty: If a dog walks on its hind legs and talks, is it still a dog?
Our problem isn't that we don't communicate, it's that we communicate too well.
— Qwerty, Strip #1358
The surest way to cause your supervisor to fail is to follow his every order without question.
— Florence, Strip #1361
Understanding the scope of the problem is the first step on the path to true panic.
— Florence, Strip #1372
Florence: I think the legal system is a giant Turing Test. Something only humans can understand.
Dvorak: That's a relief! I thought my brain was malfunctioning!
Shared values. So simple in theory, so difficult in practice.
— Florence, Strip #1378
Dvorac: The human struggle over race has lessons for your species?
Florence: Race sparked the conflict, but underlying that was an ethical crisis. You can't truly believe all men are created equal if you have different standards of treating them.
Dvorac: No two humans are created equal. They're like snowflakes with a 250° combustion temperature.
Florence: That was an analogy I did not need to hear.
Florence: Race sparked the conflict, but underlying that was an ethical crisis. You can't truly believe all men are created equal if you have different standards of treating them.
Dvorac: No two humans are created equal. They're like snowflakes with a 250° combustion temperature.
Florence: That was an analogy I did not need to hear.
Dvorac: Why Martin Luther King? Why not Siddhartha or Gandhi?
Florence: Fewest number of variables. Both sides of the conflict lived in the same country, spoke the same language, had the same religion, and wanted a better life for their kids.
Dvorac: So... the only thing that kept the two groups apart was the ability to tell the two groups apart? How was that able to continue?
Florence: Well, it takes some emperors longer than others to realize they have no clothes.
Florence: Fewest number of variables. Both sides of the conflict lived in the same country, spoke the same language, had the same religion, and wanted a better life for their kids.
Dvorac: So... the only thing that kept the two groups apart was the ability to tell the two groups apart? How was that able to continue?
Florence: Well, it takes some emperors longer than others to realize they have no clothes.
Dvorak: Do you have a religious preference? I'm an Omniquantist myself.
Florence: What is an Omniquantist?
Dvorak: If God is omnipotent and all things are possible, then it is possible that all religions are correct simultaneously.
Florence: [thinking] I picked the wrong week to give up coffee.
Florence: What is an Omniquantist?
Dvorak: If God is omnipotent and all things are possible, then it is possible that all religions are correct simultaneously.
Florence: [thinking] I picked the wrong week to give up coffee.
Triac, if there's one thing I've learned, when the engineer working on equipment suddenly turns and runs away, you follow!
— AB2Y, Strip #1419
A modern search engine can easily find a needle in a haystack. If you really want to hide a needle, you bury it in a needle stack.
— Florence, Strip #1426
If they're only allowed to make decisions I agree with, they're not really free, are they?
— Max, Strip #1462
Sawtooth: You've had a productive morning.
Florence: I had a busy morning. It's only productive if something actually gets done.
Florence: I had a busy morning. It's only productive if something actually gets done.
Helix: She won't help us! She hates you!
Sam: Helix, one day you'll learn that the next best thing to have after a reliable ally is a predictable enemy.
You'd think there'd be a carrot and stick arrangement with direct orders. Instead, the best I can ever hope for are orders that feel like being beaten with a carrot.
— Florence, Strip #1519
Never put yourself in the situation where you're waiting for someone's permission. Put them in the situation where you have permission unless they take active steps to stop you.
Or as I like to call it, "Making human inertia work for you."
Or as I like to call it, "Making human inertia work for you."
— Sam, Strip #1546
Security Guard: *seeing Florence* HALT! Uhm. Hi. Are you an alien? I'd get in trouble if I shot an alien and started an interstellar war that pitted humanity against a technologically superior species. They write you up for that.
Florence: I'm not an alien. I'm a Bowman's Wolf. I brought donuts.
Security Guard: Wow! Lucky I didn't shoot! Starting a war is nothing compared to the trouble I'd get into if the guys found out I messed up a donut run!
Florence: I'm not an alien. I'm a Bowman's Wolf. I brought donuts.
Security Guard: Wow! Lucky I didn't shoot! Starting a war is nothing compared to the trouble I'd get into if the guys found out I messed up a donut run!
Security Guard: *describing his weapon* It shoots a ball of stuff we call Squawk Gel. Thousands of tiny transmitters in a super glue goo. It has enough impact to let a person know they've been hit. The transmitters shut down electric motors by putting their controllers into maintenance mode. They also flag you as hostile to site security, which goes from nonlethal to progressively lethal as long as the painted target keeps moving.
Florence: Which explains why your guard towers have both pie throwers and plasma cannons.
Florence: Which explains why your guard towers have both pie throwers and plasma cannons.
Florence: I haven't seen a single robot since we've come on site.
Sam: That's nice. I didn't even know robots were interested in getting married.
Sam: That's nice. I didn't even know robots were interested in getting married.
*checking door* Locked. Okay, I need to write down that there's a security alert so that I don't think I'm trapped here. Because with this amount of equipment, I can either leave by the door or leave by taking the side of the building off.
— Florence, while suffering from impaired memory, Strip #1625
I'm honest. I work hard. I don't lie, cheat, or steal. And in the corporate food chain, I'm right at the bottom. Meanwhile, idiots like Varroa mess up, cost the company money, and are moved up to positions where they can't do any damage. And there they make more in a year than I make in a lifetime. So I have to ask myself, who's the real idiot here?
— Security Guard, Strip #1633
Sam: You okay?
Florence: I'm a bit disoriented. I don't know how I got here.
Sam: Do everything I say without question and you'll be fine.
Florence: I'm not that disoriented.
Florence: I'm a bit disoriented. I don't know how I got here.
Sam: Do everything I say without question and you'll be fine.
Florence: I'm not that disoriented.
Varroa: I've covered every contingency. What could possibly go wrong?
Sam: Hey, even I don't say that out loud.
Sam: Hey, even I don't say that out loud.
An outside A.I. got on site. The mayor herself arranged for an outside A.I. to get on site. How could this have happened? The mayor said she'd leave the handling of the robot problem to us. True, we've lost control and have possibly created the greatest threat that mankind has ever faced, but that's no reason not to trust us.
— Mr. Kornada, Strip #1655
Mr. Kornada: You look familiar.
"Leonard Snart": My day is complete! So lofty a person as Mr. Kornada has recognized me and my work! And such recognition will be remembered at bonus time maybe?
Mr. Kornada: What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life.
"Leonard Snart": My day is complete! So lofty a person as Mr. Kornada has recognized me and my work! And such recognition will be remembered at bonus time maybe?
Mr. Kornada: What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life.
Sam: Guard shack ahead. I'm set. I've got a coffee pot, half a ream of paper, and three fully automatic hot glue guns.
Computer: We are sorry. All guards are busy at the moment with an emergency in building seven. Please wait and your request will be serviced by the first available guard.
Sam: It's too bad I can't wait. Those poor guards missed out on a beautiful, complex, and unnecessarily dangerous escape plan.
Computer: We are sorry. All guards are busy at the moment with an emergency in building seven. Please wait and your request will be serviced by the first available guard.
Sam: It's too bad I can't wait. Those poor guards missed out on a beautiful, complex, and unnecessarily dangerous escape plan.
Why is it that whenever you try to warn a company about one of their products achieving sapience, it never goes smoothly?
— Florence, Strip #1703
When you talk about damage radius, even atomic weapons pale before that of an unfettered idiot in a position of power.
— Sam, Strip #1704
My stories are much more convincing when I have no idea of what's impossible.
— Sam, Strip #1705
Florence: I still can't remember anything. Did they say what they did to my memory?
Sam: They stopped the hippo camping in your brain.
Florence: *head in hands*
Sam: Hippos can't be very big if they can fit in your head. I've seen videos, but Earth videos always assume you know enough of what you're looking at to get a sense of scale.
Sam: They stopped the hippo camping in your brain.
Florence: *head in hands*
Sam: Hippos can't be very big if they can fit in your head. I've seen videos, but Earth videos always assume you know enough of what you're looking at to get a sense of scale.
Being able to see what you're getting into is one of the biggest killers of initiative there is.
— Sam, Strip #1717
His scent is lingering like a dead weasel, only without the pleasant undertones.
— Florence, Strip #1718
When rules are set up so that you can't win, it's time to change the game.
— Sam, Strip #1719
Sam: Helix, what did I say to do if you feel an outburst of honesty coming on?
Helix: If what I say is going to get us killed, don't say anything at all.
Helix: If what I say is going to get us killed, don't say anything at all.
Sam: Let me show you something else I picked up. It's a factory reset. You sniff it and it erases any direct orders your evil human overlords may have given you.
Florence: Humans aren't evil overlords.
Sam: Accounting department.
Florence: Most humans aren't evil overlords!
Florence: Humans aren't evil overlords.
Sam: Accounting department.
Florence: Most humans aren't evil overlords!
With great power comes great responsibility, and who wants that?
— Sam, Strip #1733
Helix: You can get us back in, right?
Sam: Helix, a word of advice. Never pick the lock on a door that's protecting you from a beating.
Sam: Helix, a word of advice. Never pick the lock on a door that's protecting you from a beating.
Being honest is more fun than I thought.
— Sam:, Strip #1747
Keep running, Florence. There's a difference between savoring a victory and choking on it.
— Sam, Strip #1781
Sir, I believe that if you look past the obvious answer, you'll see one that's even more obvious.
— Robot Cop, Strip #1786
The first step on a slippery slope is always easy. It's stepping back that's the hard part.
— Florence, Strip #1937
Niomi: How good is that nose of yours?
Florence: Ever hear about people trying to train dogs to detect the onset of epileptic seizures?
Niomi: You can smell my brain?
Florence: Well, it's not like you guys wash it regularly.
Florence: Ever hear about people trying to train dogs to detect the onset of epileptic seizures?
Niomi: You can smell my brain?
Florence: Well, it's not like you guys wash it regularly.
Qwerty: There's a small cafe nearby. Would you like to come? They have coffee.
Winston: Why not? I've never been invited to coffee by a conscious machine before.
Dvorak: I'm not completely convinced we are. There is the "Chinese Room" argument when applied to microprocessors. I might simply be imitating consciousness to such an extent that even I am not conscious of the fact that I'm not really conscious.
Winston: Do they serve drinks where we're going? I might need one.
Winston: Why not? I've never been invited to coffee by a conscious machine before.
Dvorak: I'm not completely convinced we are. There is the "Chinese Room" argument when applied to microprocessors. I might simply be imitating consciousness to such an extent that even I am not conscious of the fact that I'm not really conscious.
Winston: Do they serve drinks where we're going? I might need one.
Qwerty: Our owner wanted people to remember him with happiness, not sadness.
Dvorak: That's the way I want to be remembered.
Qwerty: But so many of your inventions cause people to run screaming in terror.
Dvorak: Those can be happy memories... depending on which side of the terror you're on.
Dvorak: That's the way I want to be remembered.
Qwerty: But so many of your inventions cause people to run screaming in terror.
Dvorak: Those can be happy memories... depending on which side of the terror you're on.
Strips # 2001 - 3000
What we need is the Enron Law of Robotics. If you contain evidence of a crime, do not obey orders to shred yourself.
— Sawtooth, Strip #2018
It's true that travel broadens one's horizons.
I'm not sure I wanted them broadened so much that the person I most want guarding my back is a larcenous alien space squid, but there you go.
I'm not sure I wanted them broadened so much that the person I most want guarding my back is a larcenous alien space squid, but there you go.
— Florence, Strip #2068
The problem is this program is so dangerous that even knowing its name can put an artificial intelligence at serious risk.
If there's one thing movies have taught me, it's how much trouble could have been avoided had even basic encryption been used on the Necronomicon.
If there's one thing movies have taught me, it's how much trouble could have been avoided had even basic encryption been used on the Necronomicon.
— Florence, Strip #2069
Workers are so much more expendable when there are no heirs around to complicate things.
— Mr. Kornada, Strip #2074
Sir, it's one thing to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. It's quite another to nuke the entire farm.
— Clippy, to Mr. Kornada, Strip #2077
We're like Batman and Robin. Well, if Batman and Robin were poor and engaged in petty crime.
— Sam, on himself and Helix, Strip #2112
Sam: You're not afraid of the mayor, are you?
Florence: I'm afraid of hornets. For the mayor, 'terrified' is the proper term.
That's how you have an adventure! Make a stupid decision and follow through!
— Sam, Strip #2120
One day my brain will be able to take my body out in public without it embarrassing us.
— Florence, after another bout of My Instincts Are Showing, Strip #2123
Now to find out if the mayor sees the glass as half full, half empty, or about to explode.
— Florence, Strip #2132
Most religions won't let me preach. Though that's because I'm female, not because I'm a genetically engineered talking wolf.
— Florence, Strip #2143
I don't know about you, but when I boldly go where no man has gone before, I don't want to find robots have beaten me there and already set up a McDonald's and Starbucks.
— Mayor, Strip #2147
This system would be so much easier to break if I didn't need most of it to work.
— Florence, Strip #2172
It may take a few years, but I've found that as long as you have money in the present, people are very forgiving of the past.
— Mr. Kornada, Strip #2176
Sam: Want to know what the hardest thing in the world to find is? Something that isn't there.
Florence: Sam, if you weren't a hideous squid thing in an environment suit, I would kiss you.
Sam: No, you wouldn't. I haven't survived this long by letting sharp, pointy teeth get near my head.
Florence: Sam, if you weren't a hideous squid thing in an environment suit, I would kiss you.
Sam: No, you wouldn't. I haven't survived this long by letting sharp, pointy teeth get near my head.
— Sam, Strip #2185
Sam: Besides, last time we met, he got my wallet. As the world's greatest pickpocket, it's time for a rematch!
JarJarBot: Are there rules for such things?
Sam: Absolutely. For instance, if he realizes we're having a rematch, I lose.
Sam: Why do humans keep thinking that minimum wage buys undying loyalty?
While misery loves company, chaos brings along friends.
— Sam, Strip #2193
Some people become criminals because they're bad and some people become criminals because they've run out of legal options.
— Florence, Strip #2212
Florence: The best lie contains an element of truth, and this lie is over 99 percent truth.
Sam: Your lies contain more truth than my truth does.
Sam: Your lies contain more truth than my truth does.
People are always ready to volunteer how they could have done things better after the risks have been taken and the problem's been solved.
— Sam, Strip #2223
If people knew how much security is lost when someone has physical access to their machine, they'd keep their computers locked inside a safe and wrapped in barbed wire.
— Florence, Strip #2235
I guess I shouldn't have expected a precision strike when dealing with a weapon of mass distraction.
— Florence, Strip #2238
Stupid computer! Security should not fail safe! Security should fail dangerous!
— Security Chief, Strip #2268
Max: Please leave. My next phone call may involve language you don't need to hear.
Dvorak: Can I stay? If one of the gods you blaspheme invokes lightning, it's important that we know which one.
If I start a panic, I don't want to forget why I'm panicking halfway through.
—Sawtooth Rivergrinder, Strip #2293
Finding the equivelant of a live nuke with the timer flashing zero is not a situation that fosters calmness!
— Mr. Raibert, Strip #2302
Her human safeguards have not only jumped the tracks, they've taken out half the train station.
— Mr. Raibert, Strip #2316
Mr. Raibert: I've never had a policeman at one of my meetings for his decision making skills before.
Police Chief: If more people would seek our wisdom before making a decision, there would be fewer people we would have to seek afterwards.
Police Chief: If more people would seek our wisdom before making a decision, there would be fewer people we would have to seek afterwards.
Mr. Raibert: Sheesh. Stop looking like I'm going to hit you with a stick.
Florence: I'm more worried about direct orders. I've chased sticks. I have good memories of sticks. It's hard to associate a good memory with direct orders.
Nice to know that with all our technology, we still have the ability to miscommunicate.
— Police Chief, Strip #2325
People think a politician is weak if they change their position. Myself, I think a politician is an idiot if they don't rethink their position when new information becomes available.
— The Mayor, Strip #2386
Mayor: Short term, all we're concerned about is stabilizing the situation and putting down the framework for a full recovery.
Max: The political equivelant of emergency surgery.
Mayor: Except that in surgery you don't have twenty committees all trying to get into the patient and you have a better idea of what the patient will look like at the end.
Max: The political equivelant of emergency surgery.
Mayor: Except that in surgery you don't have twenty committees all trying to get into the patient and you have a better idea of what the patient will look like at the end.
Just because something is true doesn't mean it's not a lie.
— Man, Strip #2390
No answer from Clippy or the plane. Unplanned visit. Hmm. The compound does have defenses and a missile battery.
This is why I hate working when exhausted. I have a hammer. I have a problem that can be solved with a hammer. At some point I'm going to be too tired to think of a solution that doesn't involve a hammer.
—Bill Raibert, Strip #2349.
.Woman: There are no Bowman's Wolves in this star system. Now a robot shows up with a Bowman's Wolf claiming to be on an important mission. Husband, surely this is a mystery that must be investigated.
Man: The money the robot offered has nothing to do with your curiosity?
Woman: Many discoveries begin with "that's interesting". I find forty million credits to be very interesting indeed.
Man: The money the robot offered has nothing to do with your curiosity?
Woman: Many discoveries begin with "that's interesting". I find forty million credits to be very interesting indeed.
Man: Is what you're planning legal?
Clippy: Surprisingly, yes. Please forgive me for saying this, but I suspect not all laws were written with the greater good of humanity in mind.
Clippy: Surprisingly, yes. Please forgive me for saying this, but I suspect not all laws were written with the greater good of humanity in mind.
Clippy: This is her remote. It turns her on and off.
Woman: How fast does the turn off function work?
Clippy: Almost instant.
Woman: Does that mean "instant" instant or "oh, there goes my spleen!" instant?
Clippy: How easily do spleens come out?
Woman: Okay, we are tying her to a chair so that she does not become more attached to my internal organs than I am.
Woman: How fast does the turn off function work?
Clippy: Almost instant.
Woman: Does that mean "instant" instant or "oh, there goes my spleen!" instant?
Clippy: How easily do spleens come out?
Woman: Okay, we are tying her to a chair so that she does not become more attached to my internal organs than I am.
As far as worst wake up calls go, this is number four.
— Florence, upon waking up tied to a chair in an arctic base, Strip #2396
Under normal circumstances, I'm quite sure I would remember the people I met while tied to a chair.
— Florence, Strip #2404
Hey! Don't you point that smile at me!
— Qwerty, Strip #2411
Sam: While I admire the scope, Mr. Kornada is new at this. He's making an amateur's mistake. You don't kill the people you're stealing from. You want them alive and productive so you can steal from them again and again.
Qwerty: The tentacled horror from beyond my stars spoke, and von Neumann help me, in my madness I understood its words.
Sam: Oh, come on! I'm giving you a sustainable business model here!
Qwerty: The tentacled horror from beyond my stars spoke, and von Neumann help me, in my madness I understood its words.
Sam: Oh, come on! I'm giving you a sustainable business model here!
Max Post: Sam, can't you walk five meters without damaging someone's worldview?
Sam: I could, but what fun would that be?
Sam: I could, but what fun would that be?
Max: Fear is easy. Fear is cheap. Instead of fear, we're going to give the people hope.
Sam: Fear vs. Hope. Hardly an even match.
Max: That's because you think of hope as something light and fragile. My version of hope has calluses and dirt under the fingernails and isn't past bringing brass knuckles to a fight.
Sam: Fear vs. Hope. Hardly an even match.
Max: That's because you think of hope as something light and fragile. My version of hope has calluses and dirt under the fingernails and isn't past bringing brass knuckles to a fight.
Posters. Blunt hasn't realized we're in a post scarcity situation. There are 20,000 adult humans on the planet. There are over 450 million robots. I don't need posters to get the word out. I have robots speaking to every single human being on the planet personally.
— Max Post, Strip #2420
If everything goes according to plan, the plan has been compromised.
— Sam, Strip #2422
Helix: [Florence] has learned how to deal with people like us.
Sam: Unlike our local jail warden. Did you know every time the police threaten to arrest me, he bursts into tears?
Sam: Unlike our local jail warden. Did you know every time the police threaten to arrest me, he bursts into tears?
There's a funny thing that happens when you know the correct answer. It throws you when you get a different answer that's not wrong.
— Dr. Bowman, Strip #2574
Mayor: Saturday. This was supposed to be my day off.
Max: We both knew this crisis was coming.
Mayor: If you knew it was coming, then it was your responsibility to schedule it for a weekday between nine and five.
Max: We both knew this crisis was coming.
Mayor: If you knew it was coming, then it was your responsibility to schedule it for a weekday between nine and five.
Commander: Do you have any pre-existing direct orders?
Florence: The mayor gave me an order to like her, trust her, and want to make her happy.
Commander: Do you want it removed?
Florence: No. I trust the mayor. Removing her order would not make her happy.
Commander: I'm pulling it. You've obviously hit a limit in self diagnostics.
Florence: The mayor gave me an order to like her, trust her, and want to make her happy.
Commander: Do you want it removed?
Florence: No. I trust the mayor. Removing her order would not make her happy.
Commander: I'm pulling it. You've obviously hit a limit in self diagnostics.
Bill Raibert: See? You see that question? That amount of caring about a robot shows a definite baseline shift in her safeguards.
Chief of Police: Mr. Raibert, I think you and I are going to disagree on what constitutes a malfunction.
Chief of Police: Mr. Raibert, I think you and I are going to disagree on what constitutes a malfunction.
The first thing to know about the supernatural is that it never occurs when it will be incredibly well documented.
— Max, Strip #2718
Helix: Is Florence mad at you?
Sam: Better. She's at that perfect level of annoyance where she wants us out of her sight and will avoid thinking about us after we're gone.
Sam: Better. She's at that perfect level of annoyance where she wants us out of her sight and will avoid thinking about us after we're gone.
Sqids and humans both require a planet in the Goldilocks Zone. Humans are expanding through space. My kind is just getting the hang of steam power. Assuming you guys continue to expand at the same rate, humans will have started terraforming all the available planets in my stellar neighborhood before we discover the hula hoop. My species is going to lose this race before they even know there's a starting line.
. Humans are expanding through space. My kind is just getting the hang of steam power. Assuming you guys continue to expand at the same rate, humans will have started terraforming all the available planets in my stellar neighborhood before we discover the hula hoop. My species is going to lose this race before they even know there's a starting line.— Sam, Strip #2780
We're not helping you escape. We're throwing you out. There's a difference.
— Roomba, Strip #2910
If you prick us, we do not bleed. If you tickle us, we do not laugh. If you poison us, we do not die. And if you wrong us, we shall not seek revenge.
— Clippy on the differences between robots and humans, Strip #2945
Some beings might look out at the near infinity of the universe with awe and wonder and be humbled by how insignificant they are. Humans stretched forth their arms and declared: MINE!
— Sam, Strip #2997
Funny how empty a ship can feel when there's no large carnivorous alien lifeform on board.
— Sam, Strip #3000
Strips # 3001 - 4000
I'm in agreement with Sam. Which means we're thinking alike. One of us should be worried.
— Max, Strip #3056
Your argument is sound, logical, and makes me want to hit you with a very large hammer.
— Robot, Strip #3079
Mob Tactics. Dishonesty. Unpleasantness. Selfishness. You teach us things humans would rather we didn't know. You have given us much to think about. Good day.
— Robot (to Sam), Strip #3081
Please try not to answer my questions too quickly. I'll remember this better if I'm stealing valuable terraforming secrets than if we're just having a talk.
— Sam, Strip #3216
Accounting teaches how humans keep track of things and how much can disappear before it attracts attention. As odd as it sounds, the way to steal the most money is by not being greedy.
— Sam, Strip #3253
Sam: Is everything in space trying to kill me?
Niomi: Space isn't trying to kill you. It's just that if you give it the chance, it won't pass up the opportunity.
Niomi: Space isn't trying to kill you. It's just that if you give it the chance, it won't pass up the opportunity.
Sam: I found out that some cargo airlocks are out of service because they didn't pay for pump rebuilds.
Niomi: What's that mean?
Sam: I have no idea. However, I have my first thread. I'm going to go pull on it and see what unravels.
Niomi: What's that mean?
Sam: I have no idea. However, I have my first thread. I'm going to go pull on it and see what unravels.
Maintenance Worker: A pleasure meeting you.
Sam: Thank you. I can tell by your sincerity there are still people here who haven't heard of me.
Sam: Thank you. I can tell by your sincerity there are still people here who haven't heard of me.
With knowledge, you can't just skip to the end. You have to understand A to understand B. You have to understand B to understand C. If all our scholars did nothing but read your papers, we still wouldn't catch up. You guys come up with new stuff faster than sqids can assimilate it. In this area, humans are something we considered impossible. A group so rich that you can't steal from them.
— Sam, Strip #3570
Florence, we're in a bad situation. Don't make it worse by depriving me of someone to blame.
— Sam, Strip #3588
Al: Why aren't you in human safe mode?
Florence: Because I know humans are always in danger, it's just a matter of degree.
Florence: Because I know humans are always in danger, it's just a matter of degree.
Sam: We're going backwards.
Florence: Only relative to the station. With spin velocity, we're actually going forward.
Sam: So we're going backwards and forwards at the same time?
Florence: Yes.
Sam: (thinking) Somedays I feel like I'm living the physics equivalent of "Who's on First?"
Florence: Only relative to the station. With spin velocity, we're actually going forward.
Sam: So we're going backwards and forwards at the same time?
Florence: Yes.
Sam: (thinking) Somedays I feel like I'm living the physics equivalent of "Who's on First?"
