Schrödinger's Cat comes to visit
"Real cats don't need names. But they often get called them. 'Yaargeroffoutofityarbastard' does nicely."
The Unadulterated Cat is a humorous nonfiction(ish) book about cats by Terry Pratchett, with cartoons by Gray Jolliffe.
It is a book of praise (mostly) about Real Cats, by which it means cats that act like cats are "supposed to". Topics covered include types of cats, names of cats, how to give a cat a pill, breeding cats, games cats play, how to transport cats, the future of cats, and more.
As this is an allegedly nonfiction book, many of these tropes are more discussed than actually played straight.
The Unadulterated Tropes:
- Amalgamated Individual:
- It's claimed that all "Travelling Cats" — i.e. the ones that make news headlines after showing up thousands of miles from home, and are frequently named Oscar for some reason — are all actually the same cat, a smallish black and white tom which is trying to get somewhere, but keeps getting lost due to its inability to provide directions a human can understand.
- It goes on to suggest that Oscar is in fact a sort of feline Flying Dutchman who has been cursed to walk the earth ever since the 4th-century Bishop of Smyrna, St. Eric, tripped over it and wished for it to go away and never come back (It also notes that some evidence suggests Oscar may have had a litter of kittens, which does make "a tiny hole" in the theory, but "nothing that a reasonable grant couldn't plug").
- Angrish: Commonly used to yell at cats.
- Animals Fear Neutering: Averted, oddly enough; the book refers to "sleek females for whom liberation from the joys of motherhood appears to have come as something of a relief".
- Artistic License – Animal Care: Subverted by a vegan couple who claimed their cat thrived on a meat-free diet, while the rest of the neighbourhood knew it thrived on the area's entire rodent population.
- Business of Generic Importance: The section on Factory Cats says they may be an endangered breed because management thinks "they don't fit in with the new streamlined image of United Holdings (Holdings) plc".
- Cats Are Magic: One of the theses of the book is that the Schrödinger's Cat experiment has bred the ability to teleport and time-travel into cats.
- Cats Are Mean: One of the major topics of the book.
- Cement Shoes: A possible method of getting rid of an unwanted cat, complete with cartoon illustration.
- Dog Food Diet: Mentioned as one of those things one used to do.Whatever happened to those dog biscuits? They were real dog biscuits, not the anaemic things you get in boxes today; they were red and green and black and came in various interesting shapes. The black ones tasted of charcoal.
- Dogs Are Dumb: The Campaign for Real Cats describes most dogs, at least, as "smelly, fawning, dribbling, morons of uncertain temperament".
- Dolled-Up Installment: Republished in 2022 with the animated version of the Amazing Maurice on the cover, and the word "Cat" clawed out of the title and replaced with "Maurice" in a much bigger font.
- The Dreaded Pretend Tea-Party: Number 3 on the list of things that happen to cats in a house with children.
- Embarrassing Nickname: Warns against giving the cat one. One of the cartoons features a man standing in the doorway calling his cat by name: "Sperm Bank!"
- Flying Dutchman: Parodied, in reference to the "Travelling Cat" so beloved of local newspapers (as in "this unlucky cat was rescued from a car's engine compartment, having accidentally hitched a lift..."). The book alleges that St. Eric, 4th century Bishop of Smyrna, may have unintentionally cursed a small black-and-white tomcat to an eternity of wandering when he yelled for it to go away after he'd tripped over it.
- Footnote Fever: A given for Pratchett, of course. A discussion of Dogs Are Dumb nests footnotes three-deep.
- Giver of Lame Names: Warns against being one of these, because you will end up calling out the name at midnight to try to convince an escaped cat to return home.
- Grandfather Paradox: Cats have no thumbs, and therefore do not need to worry about traveling back in time and shooting their own grandfather. They may try to become their own grandfather, but this is normal for barn cats anyway.
- Noodle Incident: The bit about travelling with cats says travelling with any animal is fraught, and casually adds "goats are generally the worst". Further details about why the author was travelling with goats and what happened are not forthcoming.
- Paper Key-Retrieval Trick: Describes using this to rescue next-door's gerbils from his cat, based on a vague memory of a "beat the burglar" piece in The Eagle, and being amazed when it actually worked.
- Patron Saint: St Eric, the patron saint of Real Cats. The book's theory that Cats Found in Lorries are all the same cat, who is trying to get somewhere, goes on to suggest that it might be a feline Wandering Jew, cursed by Eric to "go away and never come back" after he tripped over it. In the chapter speculating about cats being bred for the same roles as dogs, the St Eric is the counterpart to the St Bernard. (There's a real St Eric, but he was a 12th century Swedish king, while the one in the book was a 4th century Greek bishop.)
- Pet Dress-Up: Number 5 in the list of unfortunate things that happen to cats in a house with children.
- Rigged Contest: Mentioned in the definition of a Real Cat, where an unReal cat will go for the cat food being advertised even if the others don't have sump oil on them.
- Right-Hand Cat: Arch-villain cats are not Real, because there are no unwanted animal bits hiding underneath the laser table.
- Running on the Spot: Mentioned in the definition of a Real Cat:If, when it starts to run, its legs pinwheel in the air for a humorous few seconds making binka-binka-binka noises, it is a Cartoon cat.
- Saint-Bernard Rescue: One chapter imagines what the world would be like if we'd attempted to breed cats to fit all the roles dogs take in society, with the St Bernard being replaced by the St Eric. Many lost mountain hikers have been kept warm by the sheer fury of seeing a St Eric give up looking for them and go to sleep.
- Shout-Out: Many.
- The Campaign for Real Cats, including the reference to "Fizzy Keg Cats", is a reference to the Campaign for Real Ale, a UK organization opposed to the homogenization of British beer.
- Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats: The Naming Cats chapter, of course.
- Stable Time Loop: Where cats came from, courtesy of the Schrödinger's Cat experiment. A cat wandering through time and space came across a residence in the country (read: a prehistoric cave) that had people but no cats, and decided to fill in the gap because it could get food that way.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: The Campaign for Real Cats has nothing against dogs, certainly.
- Vegetarian Carnivore: The entry for "the green, organic, whole-earthbox cat" features a vegan couple who worked out "a vegetarian diet with occasional treats of fish" for their Siamese, and were blissfully unaware that it had consequently become one of the most dedicated hunters in the area.
- Wet Cement Gag: A game cats play. The basic play is simple; run through some wet cement. Scoring maximum points, however, requires careful judgement and timing, to hit the cement when it's still wet enough to leave clear paw-prints, but hard enough that smoothing it out again is going to be a tough job.
- Wrote the Book: A particularly lazy cat who gained a reputation as a mouser by stealing mice from another cat is described with, "When it came to delegation, this was the cat who got someone else to write the book".
- You Do Not Want To Know: Talking about how cats evolved from civets, Terry initially refuses to look up how civetone is extracted because "it's probably dreadful". Upon doing so anyway, all he says is "It is".
