Ozzy wants YOU to read his story.
My father always said I would do something big one day. He'd tell me after he'd had a few beers; 'John Michael Osbourne. You're either going to do something very special, or you're going to go to prison'. And he was right, my old man. I was in prison before my eighteenth birthday.
— John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne
I am Ozzy is, as the name implies, Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography chronicling his childhood in postwar Birmingham to his career as a heavy metal vocalist, both as the Black Sabbath frontman and during his solo career as well as his reality show appearances.
Due to his dyslexia, the book was co-written by screenwriter Chris Ayres. The book garnered acclaim for its humour and Osbourne's detailed account of life in a working-class English neighbourhood.
The book includes the following tropes:
- The Alleged Car: Tony Iommi's father used to flip used cars hence why he had access to a lot of them, some of which came in a rather derelict state. One of those vehicles was a Commer van
whose suspension was so shot that it handled much like the boat-like cars in Grand Theft Auto IV. - Autobiography: Ozzy chronicles his storied career as a heavy metal vocalist, sprinkled with humorous anecdotes prior to, during, and after his career in Black Sabbath.
- Blackface: When Ozzy and his family celebrated Queen Elizabeth II's coronation at their neighbourhood, his father went all out with his Al Jolson impersonation, with boot polish smeared all over his face to complete the minstrel show look. Young Ozzy was understandably terrified by his dad's transformation, and in hindsight he had a point as it was, in his own words, "the kind of
politically incorrect stuff they’d flog you for today." - Blatant Burglar: Not content with his meagre income in his teens, he tried to be "cool" by engaging in petty crime. Unfortunately for him, he donned fingerless gloves and was easily identified when the police arrested him at his house for attempted burglary.
- Book Dumb: Ozzy did poorly academically largely due to his dyslexia, recalling how he dreaded school during his formative years, but he grew up as an acclaimed vocalist in his own right and a history buff on the side. The only time he got praise from the teachers was when he managed to save a goldfish from being killed, only to turn out that it was him all along who nearly murdered the poor fish.
- Companion Cube: During his teens Ozzy took a discarded Hush Puppy shoe from the bin, tied it like a leash and took the brand name quite literally.
- Cross-Cultural Kerfluffle: Ozzy asked for "twenty fags" at a liquor store during his first trip to America with Black Sabbath. The salesperson thought he must have been a pervert looking for gay sex, not knowing that "fag" is British English slang for cigarettes.
- Culturally Religious: Ozzy's mother Lilian was raised Catholic but wasn't a devout parishioner, and neither was the Osbourne family at the time.
- Drives Like Crazy: During his first marriage to Thelma, he was forced to get behind the wheel of his wife's car despite not having driven a vehicle at that point when his wife was about to go into labour. Fortunately he somehow managed to rush their way to the hospital safely.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Ozzy vividly recalls a notorious child molester who was jailed in Winson Green. Both the guards and convicts clearly wanted nothing to do with him, and when a burly inmate beat the living hell out of the molester, the guards simply let that slide, deeming that the molester deserved it.
- Fish out of Water: During Ozzy's first trip to America, not having heard of things like pizza prior.
- Hollywood Satanism:
- Both the media and religious groups especially in America looked at Osbourne and his bandmates with scrutiny considering the dark and brooding image of their music. Ozzy recalled having to deal with scores of cult members who tried to hex them which accounts for him having his father (who was a toolmaker by trade) fabricate a set of metal crosses for him and his fellow Sabs as a form of protection. Geezer Butler was said to have dabbled in the occult by painting his flat black with satanic imagery strewn all over, but regretted it shortly after when he had a horrifying vision that scared him shitless.
- During his first trip to America, Ozzy jokingly wrote "Satanist" as his religion in the immigration questionnaire, prompting a bemused look from the immigration official. Before he was able to explain that he wrote it purely as a stupid, drunk joke and not as his actual faith,note the official stamped Ozzy's papers and Osbourne passed by the airport without incident.
- When their self-titled debut album was first released, Anton LaVey of the Church of Satan reportedly celebrated in honour of the band, but Osbourne dismissed the cult as "bollocks", theorising they were more after the debauchery than any sort of reverence to the dark arts.note
- Immune to Drugs / Made of Iron: Ozzy had been intoxicating himself since his teens, but somehow managed to survive being subjected to a metric shit-ton of controlled substances which would've killed him.
- Lethal Chef: Ozzy's mother, who was so bad at cooking that she would unwittingly leave foreign objects in her meals.
- Never Learned to Read: Subverted. He is able to read and write at least to an extent, but his dyslexia got in the way of him academically, eventually quitting school at age 15.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Only his first wife and relatives were the ones who referred to Ozzy by his real name, John.
- Rags to Riches: He along with his fellow Sabbath bandmates grew up in the ruins of Birmingham a few years after the Second World War. The Osbourne family at the time didn't have much to go by, with Ozzy's mum and dad having been in factory work and their house not even having a decent shitter to move their bowels to.
- Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: In spades during the height of his band's career, groupies, narcotics and all that. He does admit it took a toll on him in the long term though.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Happened several times with his former factory jobs, though his stint at the abattoir was the only one he enjoyed a bit more.
