"I bought the milk," said my father. "I walked out of the corner shop, and heard a noise like this: T h u m m t h u m m. I looked up and saw a huge silver disc hovering in the air above Marshall Road."
"Hullo, I said to myself. That's not something you see every day. And then something odd happened."
"Hullo, I said to myself. That's not something you see every day. And then something odd happened."
Fortunately, the Milk is a 2013 children's book by author Neil Gaiman. Two children are waiting at home for their Father to return home with the milk so that they can have their morning breakfast, while their Mother is away at a conference. After an exceptionally long absence, their Father returns with the milk, and a rather odd story about his misadventures in retrieving it. He begins the story with the above quote, and then Hilarity Ensues...
It’s illustrated by Skottie Young in the US and Chris Riddell in the UK.
Fortunately, the Milk contains examples of:
- Alien Invasion: For the purpose of tasteless redecorating.
- Apocalypse How: The Universal version is stated to be a potential consequence for the same object from two different points in time touching itself. Actual results may vary.
- Appease the Volcano God: Dad and Professor Steg almost end up this way.
- Author Avatar: Sort of? Chris Riddell's illustrations of Dad bear a noticeable resemblance◊ to Neil Gaiman.
- Big Red Button: Used to activate the Really-Good-Moves-Around-in-Time-Machine.
- Blatant Lies: The children believe this of their Father's tale.
- Chekhov's Gun: The consequences of touching together two things that are the same thing from different time periods.
- The Determinator: No matter what happens, Dad is not going to let anything stop him from getting the milk home to his children.
- Flying Saucer: The "huge silver disc".
- Genre Savvy: When he's captured by the pirates, the Father bases his plan on stories he's read or seen about people being captured by pirates.
- Giver of Lame Names: Professor Steg, inventor of the Floaty-Ball-Person-Carrier and discoverer of hard-hairy-wet-white-crunchers, may be a genius but isn't very good at naming things. (Might be filed under Buffy Speak or Calling a Rabbit a "Smeerp" instead. Doubly subverted when the Professor calls a button a button "after my Aunt Button".)
- It Sucks to Be the Chosen One: The tribesman originally chosen as the sacrifice to the volcano certainly thought so.
- Never the Selves Shall Meet: Much is made of the potentially disastrous consequences if the same object from two different points in time touches itself.
- Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Or Time Traveling Mad Scientist Dinosaur Balloonist.
- Noodle Incident: The piranha encounter.
- Phlebotinum Killed the Dinosaurs: The dinosaurs didn't die out, they invented space travel and headed for the stars.
- Piranha Problem: Hungry piranha are among the dangers the father faces.
- Pirate Girl: The Queen of the Pirates. (And "Mad Matilda, the Girl Buccaneer", who appears in Riddell's illustrations but is not mentioned in the text.)
- Pirate Parrot: The Queen of the Pirates has one.
- Real After All: An illustration on the final page hints that Dad's narrative might not be wholly fabricated.
- Samus Is a Girl: Professor Steg, after pages and pages of being referred to as "he" is addressed as "Madam" by the Dino-Cops.
- Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Made after the fact, no less.
- Shout-Out:
- Many shout-outs to Gaiman's earlier children's book The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish.
- The father's description of spoons echoes a line in Gaiman's Doctor Who episode.
- Related to the above — the father even somewhat resembles the Fourth Doctor in Skottie Young's illustrations.
- The talking pink ponies with blue stars on their sides.
- According the captions of Riddell's illustrations, the pirates include Captain Hook'n'Crook, Fat Pew, and Priscilla, Queen of the Pirates; and the wumpires include Nosfewatu and Pale And Interesting Edvard. And the pteranodon is named Pterry.
- Space Police: The Galactic Police who show up near the end to take the alien invaders away.
- Talk Like a Pirate: The pirates use a lot of words like "keelhauled", "landlubber", and "scurvy dog".
- Timey-Wimey Ball: Too complicated to even get into. Trust us.
- Title Drop: At several points in the narrative, after something exciting has just happened, the Father adds that fortunately, the milk was safe in his pocket/because he'd kept a tight grip on it/etc.
- Tractor Beam: The kind used by flying saucers to abduct humans is used on the father.
- Vampire Vords: The Wumpires have a wery interesting vay of zpeaking.
- Walk the Plank: The father insists on being made to walk the plank, on the grounds that that's when pirates' victims are most often rescued. He has to explain the process to the pirates, who usually just slit their victims' throats.
- Weakened by the Light: Wumpires are not keen on daylight, and with good reason.
- Your Vampires Suck: The Wumpires would like you to know that they do not sparkle.