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Episode Introductions
- Episode 1:Trixie: Hi everyone! It's me, Trixie MattelKatya: And I'm Katya!
- Episode 2: "RDR8 Cast Advice"Trixie: I'm Marketwoman of the Serengeti, Trixie Mattel.Trixie: Hi I'm Delta Sky Lounge member, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm a semi-pro athlete, Katya.
- Episode 3: "Traveling"Trixie: Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel!Katya: And I'm Katya.
- Episode 4 and 5: "Dating"Katya: Hi I am life-sized human person, Katya!Trixie: And I put the "pal" in high-school princiPAL, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 6 and 7: Sex in Drag and Worst HookupKatya: Hi everyone, I'm Katya.Trixie: And I'm Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 8: "Drag Names"Trixie: I'm the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm a complex human person, Katya.
- Episode 9: "Hollywood Blvd"Trixie: Hi I'm Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm Katya.
- Episode 10: "Drag Show Etiquette"Trixie: Hi I'm that Texting While Driving PSA that still keeps you up at night, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the 10-to-15 pounds of weight you've gained over the holidays, Katya.
- Episode 11: "Money part 1"Trixie: Hi I'm the tote bag that comes with the fragrance as a gift with purchase but you give it to your cousin, Trixie Mattel!Katya: Hi and I'm Sydney Prescott's Mom, Katya!
- Episode 12: "Money part 2"Trixie: Hi I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of drag, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the subprime autoloan of drag, Katya.
- Episode 13: "Flirting Pt. 1"Trixie: I'm your dad's fuccboi, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the bird woman of Alcatraz, Katya.
- Episode 14: "Flirting part 2"Katya: Oh you wanted a twist?Trixie: More flirting!
- Episode 15: "Health and Fitness Pt 1"Trixie: Hi I'm the only thing standing between you and repeating the seventh grade, Trixie Mattel!Katya: And I'm a hot slut, ready for action. Katya!
- Episode 16: "Health and Fitness Pt 2"Trixie: Have you ever wanted the body you've always wanted, but you were too scared to ask?Katya: Have you ever dreamed of getting the body of your dreams?
- Episode 18: "RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race"Trixie: Hi I'm the Starburst you got from the bathroom attendant and you didn't even tip him, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the human dump truck parked on your lawn, Katya.
- Episode 19: "Religion"Trixie: Hi I'm the Girl Scout merit badge in basket-weaving that still eludes you to this day, Trixie Mattel!Katya: And I'm the human vacuum cleaner with an insatiable hunger for pain, Katya.
- Episode 20: "Female UNHgasm pt 1"Trixie: Hi I'm the twelfth step that always sends you spiralling back down, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the space between the cushions of your childhood home that used to rub your ding-a-ling inside, Katya!
- Episode 21: "Female UNHgasm pt 2"Trixie: Hi I'm Trixie Mattel and there's no one over here. And welcome to UNHhhh. Where the show where I talk about wherever I want without Katya cause it's my show and not her's.Katya: [quietly, off-camera, in a British accent] I'm the slit in the pillow that you fucked as a c-
- Episode 22: "Social Media"Trixie: Hi I'm Ellen Degeneres' dance teacher, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm Portia de Rossi's live-in pirate wench, Katya!
- Episode 23: "Twitter Questions"Katya: I'm the visual depiction of untreated mental illness, Katya.
- Episode 24: "Getting Older"Trixie: I'm Halle Berry in the first 15 minutes of Losing Isaiah, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 25: "Beauty Tips Pt. 1"Trixie: I'm Morgan Freeman's freckle that's getting a little bit bigger! Making him kinda nervous! Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the violent tendency in your life that you are desperately trying to avoid and suppress, Katya.
- Episode 27: "Dreams Pt. 1"Trixie: I'm the wipe back-to-front that got you pregnant, Trixie Mattel.Katya: That's not scientifically possible! And I'm the—Trixie: Yes it is! If you get fucked in the asshole, and then you wipe the cum from your asshole up your pussy, honey. Up your pussy, honey.Katya: [mortified] And you think I'm disgusting?!Trixie: That's just possible!
- Episode 29: "Halloweenie"Katya: You're gonna die up there. I'm Katya.
- Episode 33: "Childhood"Trixie: I'm the Big Gulp you get behind the 7-Eleven, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 34: "Kids and Parenthood"Trixie: I'm the chemical burn from the spiral perm, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 35: "Hollywood"Katya: I'm Betsey Johnson in the straight-to-video soon-to-be-classic movie Goth Busters, Katya.
- Episode 37: "New Year New You"Trixie: I'm the fine line between a cleft chin and a bullet hole, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the only surefire way to disengage your temporomandibular joint, Doctor Bitchcraft! [laughing] I don't know what— Let's Party! Katya.
- Episode 45: "Music"Trixie: I'm the star of the softcore Iraqi porn "Stuck Between Iraq and a Hard Place", Trixie Mattel.
- Then there's Katya while Trixie is saying this, slowly realizing what the punchline is going to be.
- Episode 64: "Time"Trixie: I'm the thick, faux-leather wrist band with the gold stitch that reminds you that you like girls, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the seven tentacled anus monster that came through the sky in the movie Arrival. *Trixie stares silently at Katya as the name appears behind them*
- Episode 67: "The Last Random"Trixie: I'm that house in your neighborhood that gives away pennies instead of candy, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm the banker that's gonna foreclose on that home next year, Katya.
- Episode 71: "Censorship"Trixie: I'm the illegal pedicurist who got ingrown nailed by the fuzz, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 75: "Online Dating Pt. 1"Trixie: I'm the piercing salon that also has open mic, Lisa's Lobes, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 80: "Apologies"Katya: I'm the 99 people in the room who don't believe in you, Katya.
- Episode 83: "Roommates Pt. 2"
- Of course what truly makes the moment work is a combination of the edit
slowly and excruciatingly downpitching the usual intro music, and Trixie's increasingly concerned and bewildered expression.
- Episode 84: "Return of the Random"Katya: I have some clams I'd love to unload. Do you need some... cla—[laughing]Katya: I have a lot of stuff that I need help moving into this van? Would you help me?Trixie: ... do you have a name?Katya: I don't like my neck. [Beat] Katya.
- Episode 85: "Driving"Trixie: I'm Trixie Mattel, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 87: "Doctors"
- A whole slew of puns, in fact:
Trixie: I'm the British lady who hates time, a fucking clock destroyer, Trixie Mattel.Katya: [through laughter] I'm gonna be the lady that can't stand slow cooking, the crock destroyerTrixie: I'm that bitch in your room cutting up your dresses at night, the fucking frock destroyer. - Episode 88: "Self Esteem"Trixie: I'm the Aviary/underwear store, The Pelican Briefs, Trixie Mattel.
- Episode 92: "Crime Part 2"Trixie: Hi, I'm the superhero porn, Caping Asshole, Trixie Mattel!Katya: I am Henry Winkler's new illegitimate business venture, the Fonzi Scheme. Do you get it? Because Fonzi—Ponzi Scheme.
- Episode 93: "Fame"Katya: I like to spend some of my free time visiting websites. Katya.
- Episode 96: "Gaming"Trixie: I'm the elusive Missing No. of your love life, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm a librarian who can't read or write, but that doesn't stop me from achieving professional success, Katya.
- Episode 119: "Gurl, You Gay"Trixie: I survived the Vulcan death grip, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I was a falsetto child, Katya.
- Episode 122: "Movies"Trixie: Hi, I'm the spooky optometrist, Lens Witchcrafters, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm Blair St. Clair's mother, Claire St. Clair.
- Episode 127: "Getting Fired"Katya: I just discovered that natural flavors and ingredients are at the heart of bringing people together, Katya.
- Episode 128: "Procrastination"Trixie: Hi, jealousy's a disease, get well soon bitch, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I saw what you scrawled in blood with your vagina brush on the bathroom mirror bitch, Katya.
- Episode 129 "Drama", not so much for the intros themselves but because Katya asks to sit in total silence for a solid ten seconds before they start. The edit, of course, is what really sells the moment.
- Episode 130: "Random XI"Trixie: Hi, yes black is slimming but I'm also extremely thin, Trixie Mattel.Katya: I'm still not ready. Katya!
- Episode 131: "Straight People"Trixie: Hi, I'm Cate Blanchett saying, "You wanna fuck me, Barbara?" Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm so, so sorry, but I just cannot have a baby in this weather. Katya!
- Episode 132: "Texting Etiquette"Katya: I just discovered that if you submerge your toddler in a dirty lake, it is an alternative to vaccination, Katya!
- Episode 134: "Fighting"Katya: You're lucky that my breasts are small and humble so that you don't confuse them with mountains, Katya.
- Episode 138: "Getting Sick Part 2"Trixie: I'm the well-dressed health technician who may or may not be qualified, the Pussybow Effect, Trixie Mattel.Katya: I'm Gwyneth Paltrow's dental dam made out of children's teeth, Katya.
- Episode 141: "Make Loneliness Work for You"Trixie: Somebody told me I was hot, sexy, fly and beautiful, and I am nothing of the sort, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And I'm a fat c*nt, Katya.
- Episode 145: "Waiting"Trixie: Hi I wanna have sex with my neighbor but I don't talk about it, Trixie Mattel!Katya: And I'm in my early 40s and I'm not afraid to show my breasts, boobs, t*ts or jugs to the general public, Katya.
- Episode 147: "Pain"Trixie: (concerned/sympathetic tone) Oh... [Beat] Trixie Mattel!Katya: (intrigued tone) Ahhh! Katya.
- Episode 148: "Babies"Katya: I just saved a fortune on car insurance by sucking dick and cock! Katya.
- Episode 149: "Teachers"Trixie: Hi, I have a dead, wet hole, Trixie Mattel.Katya: And someone might as well break the ice and it might as well be me y'know I am used to being a hostess as part of my husband's work and am determined to enjoy myself oh my! this soup's delicious isn't it? Katya.
- Episode 210, "Bottoming":
General
- Ep. 27, "Dreams pt 1"Katya: Talk about sleep and dreams, my grandmother [signing the cross], the last dead... last dead—not last, uh, most recently dead, my most—she just died.Trixie: When did she die?Katya: Like five, uh, could be between one and five years ago.Trixie: Sounds like you were close. [mouthing "between one and five years ago?!" at Pete the camera guy]
- Ep. 57, "The 90s"
- Katya being outlandishly amazed by the flying dolls.
- Ep. 62, "Drinking"Trixie: I used to drink whiskey, but y'know, turns out diarrhea is not for me.
- Which is immediately followed up by her talking about darker liquors, and that leads to:
Trixie: Complex notes of fruit, floral and nut, in my butt? [Beat] What?- Or Trixie talking about a gag she used to do hosting local drag shows:
Trixie: [to the audience] "Okay whose birthdays are it?" —-uh, nope.Katya: [laughing, banjo music edited into background] [heavily affected hillbilly accent] Hoos birfdays are it?Trixie: [similar accent] Is it has been your birthday? - Ep. 63, "Drugs"
- Trixie's take on ayahuasca:
Trixie: Oh, that's for white people. After you've bought everything there is to buy at Pottery Barn, you get a sitter for the kids, you go out into the desert, you talk to your dead sister, and you pretend something good happened. - Ep. 71, "Censorship"Pete: [to Trixie] What is your favorite curse word?Trixie: Okay, my favorite curse word? Honey, sale rack. Ugh!Katya: [faux gags]
- Ep. 72, "Global Warming"Trixie: Fool me once, shame on you. Melting ice caps, drown my babies? Oops.
- Ep. 74, "Food"
- In general, Trixie eagerly plowing through the food, whereas Katya can barely stomach anything.
- Ep. 82, "Roommates Pt. 1"Katya: I can't decide if I would wanna go, like, tenement slum lord, or like a new age-y kind of guide. Like, where I say "I'm not the landlord; I'm your friend."
Trixie: Completely. They wake up, and you've let yourself in.
Katya: (laughing) "I took the liberty of saging the apartment!"
Trixie: And you have a bunch of crystals in a pan, and you go "are you hungry?" And you flip it, and it's like... an amethyst... Also, they're sitting in the living room watching a movie, and only halfway through the film do they realize you've been hanging from the ceiling with one of those yoga ropes, upside-down. Or, you go to knock on the door to collect rent, and you're wearing one of their outfits. And they're like, "is that mine?" "It's ours." - Ep. 89, "Shopping Part 1"
- The process of the episode becoming a conversation on pooping, culminating in Katya detailing how she clogged the toilet at her work once (which, incidentally, happened to be a retail job).
Trixie: So that's when you had to roll up your sleeves, get a q-tip– scalpel.Katya: Okay, this is even grosser.Trixie: Okay.Katya: I had to–Trixie: Shopping. - Ep. 81, "Personal Hygiene"
- Trixie's long, drawn-out description of Katya in drag in her twenties having just cleaned up and looking for a trick:
Trixie: I picture you, bony limbs with a turbie twist, and I think the song that's playing is "Nothing Compares to You" by Sinéad O'Connor. And I think you're sitting cross-legged with a coffee cup with nothing in it at a Dell HP desktop computer, [imitating Windows 7 startup sound] like, "You've Got Mail!". And you're sifting through headless torsos of people's dads in Boston.- This is immediately followed up by Katya admitting that showering up in drag once (because as Trixie explained earlier, it's a quick and lazy way to clean your outfit), she put her hair in a banana clip despite her wig not even being attached. Why? Because she felt like a girl.
- Trixie and Katya sharing their feelings on anilingus—in particular, Trixie's... evocative descriptions of her preferences:
Trixie: I don't want any visitors, but I—
Katya: —?! ... turds?
Trixie: Yeah! But I'd like a little... [Beat] I like to be able to take a sample. I'd like to be able to identify a body.- Katya talking about an old bartender she knew telling her that guys would say her butthole tasted like a penny, and Trixie's response:
Trixie: That means blood. That means blood! Pennies mean blood. Please welcome to the stage, Pennies Mean Blood. - Ep. 85, "Driving"
- Trixie describing her body as a car:
Trixie: When people look at my body, they think "Prius".
Katya: It's odd shaped.
Trixie: It can seat 4.- Katya admitting to "pulling the padge" behind the wheel, and Trixie's immediate response.
Trixie: What street was sexy to you? - Ep. 91, "Crime Part 1" : Trixie and Katya chanting "no bra, no panties".
- Ep. 94, "Self-Care" : Katya revealing she likes Yoga because it's the only time she gets to be fully serious and Trixie's rebuttal.Trixie: So you think at other times you're whimsical and fun? Where do you keep this other persona?
- Ep. 103, "Pets"Trixie: Taylor Swift googling gay celebrities.Katya: Is she gay now?Trixie: Taylor Swift is on PrEP.
- Ep. 107, "Secrets Pt 2", in which Trixie leaning a little too heavily onto "she eats herself out" as a joke culminates in her clearly inadvertent admission that she herself has, in fact, "indulged" (much to Katya's shock and glee).
- Ep. 122, "Movies"
- Trixie reveals that she once skipped school to watch, of all movies, Under the Tuscan Sun. Katya's reaction makes it even better.
Katya: With fucking Diane Lane?! Were you 70? Are you 70? Do you love turquoise jewelry? What is wrong with you?
Trixie: (laughing) And I had the nerve to make fun of Ron for liking The Green Mile!- They start riffing on ways to stage a home viewing of a horror movie, and Katya's idea is to tape a knife to the ceiling.
Katya: It's gonna fall at any—I don't know when. Loose tape, loose tape, scotch, scotch, scotch. - Ep. 135, "Season 7 React"
- Katya bringing attention to the flaw in Miss Fame's otherwise immaculate entrance look — the obvious tape keeping her hairdo in place.
Katya: It's like seeing an Olympic athlete do a perfect routine on the balance beam, execute a perfect routine, and then start pissing themself.
Trixie: "Minus a tenth of a point, Simone. We've talked about this."- The way they both make fun of Trixie's entrance look.
- Ep. 136, "Moving"Katya: I had a sex doll. So my mother had to carry out a torso - a latex torso sex doll -Trixie: (Gets up and starts walking around/away)Katya: AND load it into a box that it came with, and you know what it said on the box?Trixie: Tell me!Katya: "MEGA FUCK MACHINE."Trixie: (Almost falls off her stall and starts laughing on the ground)Katya: "Ultra mega fu-" like it said something like "14 pounds of real poundable pussy!" I swear to God, every inch of that box was so lurid, so vulgar, so nasty, and my poor mother, 60 years old, is saying my fucking son is fucking some headless woman -Trixie: How long ago was this?Katya: Just a few years ago.Trixie: Was it Jennifer?Katya: Gennifer with a G! Mega fuck slut!Trixie: Little did she know she was going to be fucking disposed of, full of cum in her, at Courtney's house.Katya: Down the chute!
- Ep. 138, "Getting Sick Part 2"Katya: [to Trixie] Can I tell you? So, okay... [pauses to think] ... uh, okay.Trixie: Sometimes I wonder if you know what you're gonna say.Katya: I do, I do, I'm just trying to crank it out. My breasts came. And I put them on? I got the downstairs tingle!Trixie: You felt like a woman?Katya: I felt that if it was 15 years ago and I was in Boston with those titties, the whole world would be different.Trixie: (laughing) In what way?Katya: The Butterfly Effect.Trixie: (gasp) The titties would've been President?Katya: The titties would have been so prominently featured in my reality, my reality lived out loud so clearly and vividly and brightly like Holly Hunter and Queen Latifah that the world would have fundamentally changed on every level, socioeconomic, political, everything!Trixie: (gay cackle) Let me just say, you not having real breasts really gave the rest of us a chance.
- Ep 146, "Pulling the Padge"
- Trixie has a reaction to a particularly disgusting bit from Katya:
Trixie: I wish I could touch you right now... so I'm gonna have to do this. *mimes picking up stool and swinging it at Katya* - Ep 149, "Teachers"
- What starts with making fun of bog standard internet gay slang quickly devolves into nonsense:
Katya: It's the wig-snapping sis for me.Trixie: It's the wig-snapping flew the chat for me.Katya: Not the snap flewing wig sis chat flop.Trixie: It's the It's for me for me.Katya: Not the The! - Ep. 152, "Disappointment"
- While Katya describes the feeling of knowing you're about to be up for elimination on Drag Race, Pete chimes in as cryptically as possible. Trixie and Katya both immediately burst out laughing at the bizarre interjection from their cameraman/producer.
Pete: Sounds like fear got the best of you.- Trixie spills some piping hot tea as it were and talks about a production of Chicago starring Todrick Hall that she walked out on at intermission due to not liking the other performers. Katya's already colorful laughter grows more and more animated through the telling of the story as Trixie says that Todrick texted her after the show to ask if she wanted to meet him backstage. She lied to him that she had just left and missed him. And then clarifies that no, she has never told Todrick about the lie. And also, she thinks her ticket might have been complimentary.
- While discussing the disappointment of a man seeing Katya nude:
Trixie: Do you worry about them seeing that fried chicken? Do you worry about them seeing the coq au vin and jumping out the f*cking window? Do you get concerned?Katya: (laughwheezing) Last week's bœuf bourguignon?Trixie: Bend over and peeping that croque monsieur? That croque madame?Katya: Once they get a whiff of that bouillabaisse, they are gonna hit the port!Trixie: Once they get into that steak frites? Sis. Once they lick up on that pomme de terre? They are f*cking out of here, bitch. - Ep. 159, "Theater"
- Katya trying to explain to Trixie about dance theater. She just keeps repeating the words "dance" and "theater" in new ways, which ends up confusing Trixie who thinks she is being trolled.
Katya: There's a lot of dancing but it's very theatrical
Trixie: Are you trolling me? You're just saying the words dance theater in new formations and giving me no new information. - Ep. 161, "Hotels"
- The Cold Open has Katya processing Trixie's face through a baby filter, and the end result is downright cursed. In Trixie's words, "It's the smiling for me."
- Ep. 162, "Old"
- Trixie asks Katya if she know someone who is terrible at music but is following that career.
Trixie: Have you ever had someone in your life who is a horrible singer who is pursuing music:Katya: *Visibly holds back a laugh while Trixie's album appears in the background*Trixie: *Laughs* But there are people that are so horrible and no one ever says like "it's not gonna happen for you"Katya: Still holding back laughter when another of Trixie's albums appears in the background.Trixie: i'm gonna break your legs off. - Ep 166, "Marriage"
- At the beginning of the episode, Trixie is very clearly and vocally under the weather, so Katya and Pete try to energize her:
Trixie: (hoarsely) I'm just... I'm just not with it today.Katya: Mary, I know that. I feel that.Pete: Well you look stunning.Katya: Yeah, you look great.Trixie: That's not... that's not part of this.
Ron & Chris via the Editing
- At the beginning of Ep. 83, Katya's response to Trixie asking her if she's ever had a roommate is punctuated by a blink-and-you-miss-it picture of Ann Coulter.
- When Trixie and Katya talk about what kind of car they would want in Ep. 85, Katya says "it can have a life of its own when I'm not in it". Cue a gag in which her dream car drives off on its own, falls in love with another car, goes to a drive-in movie theater with it (to see Christine, naturally), marrying the other car, and having a baby car together.
- Trixie talking about a specific incident in Ep. 86 where a fan got her phone number and pretended to be Adore Delano. The anecdote itself is more creepy than funny, but the editors, playing their usual background text shenanigans, changed "Adore" to "a door", making it sound for a solid half-minute as if Trixie was talking about a fan who was texting her pretending to be... a door.
