- "Santa Claus doesn't give any breeeeeaks!"
- "Who gives a shit?!"
- Pretty much all of the dialogue between Beck and Travis.
- Beck's abject terror at seeing the plane he's riding in is held together with duct tape - specifically the wings. It's pretty much the only time in the entire film when he's genuinely nervous or scared.
- "ESTABLISH DOMINANCE!"
- And failing.
- If it's possible to have a single line count as a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, it would be this one: "...That's a lotta cows."
- "Not this boy's pintu. Uh-uh!" (hastily pulls his pants back up)
- Mariana flipping off Hatcher and his brilliant response of, "If I was ten minutes younger..." which is incredibly justified considering it's Rosario Dawson.
- The Tooth Fairy speech.
Two very bad men are trying to steal from me. I feel like a little boy who's lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to come. Only two evil burglars have crept in my window, and snatched it, before she could get here... Wait a second. Do you understand...the CONCEPT of the Tooth Fairy? ... She takes the god-damned thing, and gives you a quarter! They've got my tooth! I want it back.
- Hatcher's Famous Last Words: "Oh shit."
- The little person running out of the bar, with all the characters watching him clear out.
- Hatcher's response to Harvey when he asks if Beck and Travis are dead: "What am I, psychic?" Extra hilarious when you bear in mind one of Christopher Walken's previous roles...
- Hatcher's speech to Beck when they first meet:
Where you see Hell, I see a spell-binding sense of purpose. I see the value of keeping your eye on the ball. When a bride slips the ring on her finger, when a businessman lays his hands on a Rolex, when a rapper gets a shiny new tooth, this is that cost, Mr. Beck—my horror for their beauty, my Hell for their little slice of Heaven. Somebody's gotta keep his eye on the ball. That somebody is me, Mr. Beck. I am down here every day, keeping my eye on the ball. That's just a simple fact of life. And if you're bold enough to face that cold, hard fact...you can make a lot of money.
- Hatcher's rant after he's defeated:
Before I came here, what'd you people have? Face it, be fair. I put a roof over your heads, a little coin in your pockets, you barefoot Indians didn't have pockets before Hatcher came along. I gave you life! I am the heart in the darkness. You can't run this thing without me. I am pumping the blood of the modern world into your backward veins, you stinking...ingrate...oompa-loompa...MORONS!
- Hatcher's reply to Beck's ultimatum? He starts laughing hysterically, getting louder and louder. His henchmen join in, and Hatcher even turns a knob on the controls so Beck can hear them laughing at him. Beck then goes "Wrong choice" and ends the message, at which point Hatcher becomes calm again, scowls and orders: "Lock down the town."
- When Declan says he can't land the plane because of the herd of bulls on the ground, a bewildered Beck mistakes Declan's heavy accent as saying "booze on the grind."
- As Beck is waking up from being fed a paralysis-inducing fruit, he grumbles that he hates "freaky fruit and penis-eating minnows", making reference to the water-borne parasites Mariana warned him about earlier.