Funny: The Professional

  • Stansfield pausing in the middle of raiding a drug holder's apartment to discuss classical music with the owner.
    Stansfield: We said noon — I've got one minute past. (a long silence) You don't like Beethoven. You don't know what you're missing: overtures like that get my... juices flowing. So powerful. But after his openings, to be honest, he does tend to get a little fucking boring. (he laughs) That's why I stopped!
    (he sighs and turns to the thugs behind him)
    Stansfield: Toss the apartment.
    (as they start ransacking the place, Stansfield continues)
    Stansfield: You're a Mozart fan — I love him too. I looooove Mozart! (in a very bad German accent) He vos Austrian you know? (in ordinary voice) But for this kind of work.... (he mimes playing the piano on the mantlepiece) he's a little light. So I tend to go for the heavier guys. Check out Brahms — he's good too.
  • "...'ello, pilgrem."
  • For a regular comedy moment: Mathilda just fired six shots at random. Cut to Léon and Mathilda walking down the street, carrying their belongings.
    Léon: Mathilda, don't you ever do that again or I'll break your head. You got that?
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: I don't work like that. It's not professional. There is rules!
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: And stop saying "okay" all the time. Okay?
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: Good.
  • The scene in the unedited version where Léon gives Mathilda a target practice lesson... in the middle of a drug dealer hit. You can hear the guy murmur "What the fuck is this?" in disbelief a couple of times until Léon puts him down for good.
  • Léon showing Tony his new apprentice.
    Tony: Isn't there supposed to be an age limit?
  • Stansfield's reaction to being shot in the shoulder has less to do with being wounded and more to do with being pissed his suit's ruined. He also wanders absent-mindedly around the apartment following the raid, including into the path of his goons' weapons and has to be led out by Malky, his second-in-command.
    • Immediately following this scene, Malky puts Stanfield in the hallway while trying to calm him down, leading to a hilarious exchange with an inquisitive old woman coming out of her apartment to find out what all the noise is about.
    Old Lady: What's happening out here?
    Malky: It's alright, ma'am, go back inside. DEA. Police.
    Old Lady: Why don't you leave that poor family alone?
    Malky: (to Stansfield) Everything's alright, just calm down. (Goes back inside the apartment).
    Stansfield: (while reloading gun) I am calm! I'm calm.
    Old Lady: Why don't you leave them alone?
    Stansfield: *shoots out a pane of glass right next to her* He SAID, 'Go back inside'!
    Malky: (returns and quickly begins dragging Stanfield back into the apartment he'd just led him out of) Stan, I think it's better if we go inside now, alright?
  • A bit of Cringe Comedy, but it's pretty funny watching Mathilda troll the hotel owner by telling him Léon isn't her father, he's her lover. The guy's Reaction Shot is priceless.
  • "Hey, I said take the guy out, not the whole fucking building!!!"
  • Tony ensuring Léon his money is safer with him than in a bank, because banks get knocked off and no one knocks off Old Tony... and at the bank there's tons of forms that need to be filled out.